Chad Feldheimer Quotes in Burn After Reading (2008)

Chad Feldheimer: [on the phone] Osbourne Cox? I thought you might be worried... about the security... of your shit.

Osbourne Cox: If you ever carried out your proposed threat you would experience such a shitstorm of consequences my friend your empty little head would be spinning faster than the wheels of your Schwinn bicycle back there.

Chad Feldheimer: [laughing] You think that's a Schwinn!

[after having found a CD they believe contains files of the CIA]

Linda Litzke: You should put up a note in the ladies locker room.

Chad Feldheimer: Put up a note? "Highly classified shit found: Signal intelligence shit, CIA shit?" Hello, anybody lose their secret CIA shit? I don't think so!

Chad Feldheimer: Osbourne Cox?

Osbourne Cox: Yes, this is Osbourne Cox, who the FUCK are YOU?

Osbourne Cox: Give me the CD!

Chad Feldheimer: As soon as you give us the money, dickwad!

[repeated line]

Chad Feldheimer: [raspy voice] Osbourne Cox?

Chad Feldheimer: This is some heavy shit.

Linda Litzke: Is that my date list?

Chad Feldheimer: No, fuck.

Linda Litzke: You know, I'm trying to reinvent myself, and these procedures, which are so incredibly not cheap... What is that?

Chad Feldheimer: I can't believe this. This is like intelligence shit.

Ted Treffon: I'm not comfortable with this.

Chad Feldheimer: This is like... I can't believe this shit I'm seeing.

Ted Treffon: Manolo found it.

Manolo: On the floor there.

Chad Feldheimer: Yeah. Manolo found like this CD just lying in a locker, a locker floor, ladies' locker. I'm like, "What, someone's music or what?" And I come in here, and it's these files, man.

Ted Treffon: I'm not comfortable with this.

Chad Feldheimer: Talking about SIGINT and signals and shit and... "Signals" means "code", you know.

Manolo: It was just lying there.

Chad Feldheimer: Talking here about department heads and their names and shit. And then there's these other files that are just, like, numbers. Arrayed. Numbers and dates and numbers and numbers and dates.And numbers and... I think that's the shit, man... The raw intelligence.

Ted Treffon: I'm not touching this. I want this out of here.

Chad Feldheimer: Just throw it out?

Linda Litzke: No. You can't do that. You should put up a note in the ladies' locker room.

Chad Feldheimer: Put up a note? "Highly classified shit found?" "Signals intelligence shit? CIA shit?" "Hello! Did anybody lose their secret CIA shit?" I don't think so.

Ted Treffon: I don't know, you figure it out, but I'm not comfortable with this, and I want this out of Hardbodies. We're running a gym here. God.

Chad Feldheimer: Manolo, you didn't find this.

Manolo: I found it on the floor there.

Chad Feldheimer: Yeah, I know, but...

Manolo: Right there on the floor there. Just lying there.

[repeated line]

Chad Feldheimer: [excited] Oh, my God!

Linda Litzke: I'm really looking for a guy with a sense of humor.

Chad Feldheimer: That guy, wait, that guy wasn't bad.

Linda Litzke: Him?

Chad Feldheimer: No before.

Linda Litzke: Him?

Chad Feldheimer: Umm, he might not be a loser...

Linda Litzke: How can you tell?

Chad Feldheimer: That's a Brioni suit.

Linda Litzke: Yeah?

Chad Feldheimer: Shit yeah!

Linda Litzke: Does he look like he would have a sense of humor?

Chad Feldheimer: Looks like his optometrist has a sense of humor.

Chad Feldheimer: Manolo, you DIDN'T find this.

Manolo: I found it on the floor there.

Chad Feldheimer: Yeah, I know. But...

Manolo: Right there on the floor there. Just lying there.

Chad Feldheimer: Appearances can be... deceptive.

Chad Feldheimer: That's just a kryptonite lock. You can open those fuckers with a bic pen.

Chad Feldheimer: Uh, O-Osbourne Cox?

Osbourne Cox: Yes! Yes, it's - Hello! It's Osbourne Cox! Who the fuck are you? What documents are you talking about?

Chad Feldheimer: And

[takes a piece of paper out of his pocket]

Chad Feldheimer: I got his number! I got his number!