Celeste Talbert Quotes in Soapdish (1991)

[Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer]

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.

Edmund Edwards: [offstage] This guy never heard of contact lenses?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] The test results have come back.

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] And?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid...

[pause]

Jeffrey Anderson: Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.

Burton White: What the hell?

David Barnes: [offstage] Brain fever!

Edmund Edwards: [offstage, loudly] Say it!

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Brain fever!

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria...

[they both goggle at the word]

Jeffrey Anderson: Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Literally explode?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Exactly, within the next three houses.

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Hours?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Restaurant?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Restaurant, yes.

Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Her brain will actually explode?

Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.

Celeste Talbert: [accepting an award] Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...

[At their table]

Ariel Maloney: Bitch!

David Barnes: Hag!

Montana Moorehead: I hate her so much!

[to her male costar]

Celeste Talbert: Next time, could you wear a swimsuit underneath the towel? It's a little early in the day for me.

[walks off]

Blair Brennan: I can't act in a swimsuit.

Tawny Miller: I know...

Celeste Talbert: David! David! David, David, David, David, David!

David Barnes: Hey, great scene with Bolt.

Celeste Talbert: I realize I'm not a young woman; however...

David Barnes: What do you mean, you're not...

Celeste Talbert: ...could you PLEASE point out to our new costume designer

[grabs her]

Celeste Talbert: whose name I don't quite have yet...

Tawny Miller: Tawny Miller, Miss Talbert.

Celeste Talbert: How do you do.

[to David]

Celeste Talbert: that I don't feel quite right in a turban. What I feel like is GLORIA FUCKING SWANSON! What am I, 70, David? Am I 70? Why don't you just put me in a walker? Buy a goddamn walker and put me in it!

David Barnes: [to Tawny] You're fired.

Tawny Miller: Oh God.

David Barnes: I'm just kidding.

[into PA system]

David Barnes: Attention: no turbans for Miss Talbert!

Celeste Talbert: I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how?

Lori Craven: I know that speech.

Celeste Talbert: You do?

Lori Craven: Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.

Celeste Talbert: Yes. Yes. Yes. I AM guilty. Guilty of love in the first degree.

David Barnes: I was under orders.

Celeste Talbert: So - was - Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.

David Barnes: Himmler.

Celeste Talbert: No, no, no.

David Barnes: Hess.

Rose Schwartz: Eichmann.

David Barnes: Eichmann.

Lori Craven: Celeste, I want to act!

Celeste Talbert: Don't say that, "I want to act", ever, please!

Celeste Talbert: What I feel like is Gloria effing Swanson. I'm 42 yrs old, I don't want to be dressed like a dead woman."

Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I can kiss her!

Lori Craven: This is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!

Celeste Talbert: No! You can't! You can't kiss her!

Jeffrey Anderson: Why because she's *your* neice?

Celeste Talbert: [shouts] No, you nitwit! Because she's my daughter! And your daughter.

Lori Craven: What?

Jeffrey Anderson: What are you talking about?

Celeste Talbert: We're her parents! *You* and I!

[sobbing]

Celeste Talbert: We're her Mommy and her Daddy.

Celeste Talbert: Oh, I'll tell you why I'm here! I'm here because... I... I...

Jeffrey Anderson: Come on, say it! "I want you, Jeffery. I'm consumed with jealousy for my neice, because I want you."

Celeste Talbert: Oh, please!

Jeffrey Anderson: Admit it, you have feelings for me.

Celeste Talbert: My feelings are ABOUT you, not FOR you. There's a big difference!

Celeste Talbert: Even for an actor, you're an egomaniac!

Celeste Talbert: I'm not a genius. I'm just a working actress.

Lori Craven: Get out!

Celeste Talbert: [crying] Please try to understand what I am going through.

Lori Craven: I don't give a *shit* what you're going through!

Celeste Talbert: There's no need to use that kind of language.

Lori Craven: [shouts] Get out! Now!

Celeste Talbert: Why are you here?

Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are YOU here?

Celeste Talbert: What are you doing here?

Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment, I live here, what are YOU doing here?

Celeste Talbert: This is my husband, Bolt.

[scene switch back and forth of Celeste, Lori, and Jeffrey in Edwards' office]

Celeste Talbert: I never worked in an atmosphere like this before.

Jeffrey Anderson: This whole pregnancy thing is a scam! I resent being treated like a leper!

Lori Craven: Having to work with these two is a personal nightmare for me. I'm on the verge of a breakdown!

Celeste Talbert: I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown!

Jeffrey Anderson: I could conceivably have a breakdown.

Lori Craven: I mean, can you imagine what it's like having to face them on the set every single day?

Celeste Talbert: It just seems to get harder and harder, even though I devoted my entire life to this show.

Jeffrey Anderson: [walks back and forth lost for words] Uh...

Lori Craven: Mr. Edwards, it's them or me, that is the bottom line here. They go or I go!

Edwards: This is the toughest decision I ever have to make, but I get paid 1.2 million dollars to make these kind of command decisions. So here it is...

[eats a cracker]

[Jeffrey is about to prepare the brain transplant]

Lori Craven: MOTHER!

[Celeste sits up]

Lori Craven: No, I can't let you do this!

Burton White: She spoke?

Jeffrey Anderson: She spoke!

Montana Moorehead: Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!

Lori Craven: I can always speak! Mother...

Montana Moorehead: She's MY mother!

Celeste Talbert: MONTANA, SHUT UP!

Celeste Talbert: Next time could you wear a swimsuit underneath the towel? It's a little early in the day for me.

Blair Brennan: I can't act in a swimsuit.

Celeste Talbert: Why is he back? You've got to kill him off. Get him out of town. Give him a disease.

Celeste Talbert: Jeffrey! Help me please.

Jeffrey Anderson: You're kidding?

Celeste Talbert: Jeffrey, please?

Jeffrey Anderson: I hope you're wearing underwear. Dare I ask?

Celeste Talbert: I'm lost. I'm not familiar with the neighborhood.

Jeffrey Anderson: Well you get a nice view of it from up here.

Jeffrey Anderson: You sure that's why you're here?

Celeste Talbert: Get your hands off my-God you're so disgusting.

Jeffrey Anderson: Lori, get your clothes on! Your aunt's here.

Celeste Talbert: You lowlife, lecherous-Lori?

Jeffrey Anderson: She left ten minutes ago.

Celeste Talbert: Don't insult my intelligence.

Celeste Talbert: Why are you here?

Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are you here?

Celeste Talbert: I'll tell you why I'm here. Oh I'll tell you why I'm here. I'm here because...

Jeffrey Anderson: Go on, go on, say it!

Celeste Talbert: I...

Jeffrey Anderson: I want you Jeffrey. I'm consumed with jealousy for my niece because I want you for myself.

Celeste Talbert: Oh please.

Jeffrey Anderson: You still have feelings for me. Admit it.

Celeste Talbert: My feelings are about you, not for you. There's a very big difference.

Celeste Talbert: I didn't know it was your drainpipe, I thought it was somebody else's drainpipe.

Jeffrey Anderson: Your eyes, they're burning.

Celeste Talbert: I've got the flu.

Jeffrey Anderson: No, they're burning with passion.

Celeste Talbert: You're full of shit.

Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm full of shit but not about that.