Celeste Martin Quotes in My Stepmother Is an Alien (1988)

[Celeste consults with the alien council]

Celeste Martin: The subject says he will be unable to think about science unless he marries me.

Council Chief: Well, marry him.

Celeste Martin: But we don't know what "marry" is.

Council Chief: One moment.

[the second council member takes a book. He and the council chief leaf through it until they find the page about marriage]

Council Chief: Ah, yes. The Monchine Forty says marriage is this: he goes off to fight the Turks, and you put on a lock.

[Celeste is confused]

Second in Command: No, no, no.

[they leaf more pages]

Council Chief: Oh, yes, yes. Wrong century. Eh... marriage is this: you cook and clean and bring him martinies.

Second in Command: No, no!

Council Chief: Wrong again? Ridiculous...

[they leaf more pages]

Council Chief: Yes. Wrong decade. Too old-fashioned. Ah, here we are, yes. The modren marriage: there are no rules or responsibilities, but if he does something wrong, you can set him on fire while he sleeps and go on a talk show, where everyone will forgive you and love you. There is only one drawback: you will have to have more sex.

Celeste Martin: [excitedly] I'll do it!

[watching a video of two people having sex]

Celeste Martin: That is the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

The Bag: That's why we gave it up 3,000 years ago.

Celeste Martin: [after changing to new dress in Dr. Mills' car] Is this acceptable?

Steven Mills: Is the drool apparent?

Steven Mills: Would you mind if I kissed you?

Celeste Martin: Does it hurt?

Steven Mills: Not the way I do it.

Steven Mills: I think... I think...

Celeste Martin: What?

Steven Mills: Would I scare you... if I told you I love you?

Celeste Martin: Not unless you hit me at the same time.

Steven Mills: I'm serious.

Celeste Martin: So am I!

[on Ron's braces]

Celeste Martin: Ooh, mouth jewelry!

[after a long & strange make out, both somewhat out of breath]

Steven Mills: I've never felt anything like that before.

Celeste Martin: Do I now have to eat the chocolate from Pennsylvania?

Steven Mills: [laughs; looks slightly confused] What?

[after Steve asks if she wants to have sex]

Celeste Martin: Sure. I just have to figure out what that is.