Casey Quotes in Minority Report (2002)

John Anderton: Any contractions ?

Casey: Only the ones you give me!

Stuart St. John: I'd like to help.

Casey: Ah, you're gonna help all right. Like bait helps to catch a shark.

Stuart St. John: So, what's the plan?

Bryan Mills: The plan is to make sure my daughter is safe. And the only way to do that, so it seems... is to eliminate the thing that will make her unsafe.

Stuart St. John: Malankov.

Casey: Good one, Stuart.

Stuart St. John: I'd like to help.

Casey: You're gonna help, alright. Like bait helps to catch a shark.

Casey: There's a .45 in the fridge, and you grab a FUCKING frying pan!

Casey: Since we're all good friends here I have a question for you.

Ballpean: Ask way.

Casey: I heard about this big bad motherfucker, has got this habit to hit niggers with a hammer. I've heard a reason why he uses it. I got sympathy for that. But... uh... there's one thing I just can' get out of my head.

Ballpean: Go on.

Casey: Well, I've heard about almost all niggers got these really big dicks, you know, salami size cocks. Now I had many different blowjobs by any number of different bitches so I know how much room my white boy's dick takes up in bitch's mouth right? My question is how in hell this little bitch got this big nigger's dick in her mouth and chopped it off with only one bite? She could gnaw it for a while but I don't think any motherfucker in here never let that happen. So the only thing I can think of is that this big bad-ass kicking nigger had this little, tiny dick that'd done no good anyway. So what do you think? Am I close?

Casey: You know what they did in Ancient Rome, when a visitor violated somebody's hospitality? They would cut off his DICK and they NAILED IT to the FUCKING GATE!

Casey: What do ya think? Am I close?

Dallas: I've gotta tell you, Casey. I'm not impressed. After everything I heard about you, I thought you were gonna be more like... me. But you are a sheep like all the rest.

Casey: There will come a time, when even you can't handle it any more. You'll pack it up... or you'll put a bullet in that pretty little head of yours, or someone else will.

[Casey is tied to a chair, Dallas is holding a gun on him]

Dallas: So, it looks like we're gonna have to wait for Nick. What should we do to kill some time? I know... Let's fuck.

Casey: [sarcastically] That's happening. Even if you weren't the most disgusting bitch I've ever met, I'd have to decline. You see, I'm a married man.

Dallas: You seem to be under the impression that you have a choice here.

[Dallas goes to the stereo and picks a CD to play]

Dallas: You'll appreciate the irony here.

[Dallas picks up a photo of Casey's wife, licks it, and puts it on the counter behind him]

Dallas: She wanted to watch.

Casey: Fuck you, bitch.

[Dallas slaps Casey hard across the face]

Casey: There's no fucking way you'll ever get me inside you.

[lyrics: "I don't know why I can't help myself"]

Dallas: [leans in close] You wanna bet?

Kasarov: Tell you what, Casey. I'm gonna make you a deal. You have that money here tonight at 7 o'clock, and I'll make this fucking nightmare disappear. Where you got the bodies?

Casey: In the garage.

Kasarov: Let's go...

[cut to the garage]

Kasarov: What the fuck is this?

[two men hanging by legs from ceiling, gagged, whimpering]

Casey: I didn't know what to do with them.

[Kasarov draws his gun and puts 3 bullets into each man]

Kasarov: Well, I tell you something, Casey. If I was you, I'd clean up this mess, because your wife's gonna come home and she's not gonna be very happy.

Casey: Any suggestions?

Kasarov: Well, I'll tell you, if, uh, I'm not mistaken... I think today is garbage day.

Casey: Three happy years of veggie burgers and acidophilus.

Nick: [picks up frying pan in sink] Those are scrambled eggs.

Casey: Scrambled Tofutti.

Nick: [scoffs] Fuck, dude. Rod Serling's gonna step outta that fridge any second.

Casey: [Dallas arrives at the Casey's house] Can I help you?

Dallas: May I.

Casey: All right, may I help you?

Dallas: So you're Casey?

Casey: That's right.

Dallas: I'm a friend of Nick's.

Casey: I bet you are.

Dallas: May I come in?

Casey: Nick is not here right now.

Dallas: I'll wait.

Casey: I'm a little busy.

Dallas: Well, I'll be real quiet.

[Sneaks under Casey's arm into the house]

Casey: Look, lady, I just told you I'm a little busy.

Dr. Jarvis: It's quite all right, Mr. Wells, I think I would enjoy speaking with your friend.

Casey: She's not my friend, I don't know who the fuck she is.

Casey: I just love duct tape, don't you? Except you're probably one of those morons that calls it duck tape.

Nick: [Casey calls Nick in the car after found out about the drugs in the briefcase] Yeah?

Casey: I just wanna know one thing what kind of fucking drugs you're on?

Nick: What?

Casey: I wanna know what kind of FUCKING DRUGS YOU ARE ON THAT MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD BRING FUCKING SMACK INTO MY HOUSE?

Nick: The briefcase was closed, Case.

Casey: Yeah? Sue me.

Nick: It wasn't very trusty if you go through my shit.

Casey: This ain't exactly meant to borrow when you trade countier B, you've brought that shit in my house, in my home. Where you were invited to into as my FUCKING GUEST. You know what they did in Ancient Rome when a visitor violated somebody's hospitality? THEY CUT OFF HIS DICK AND THEY NAILED IT TO THE FUCKING GATE.

Nick: You see this is why I didn't wanna tell you. I knew you'd have a little enthusiasm for this deal. I have a little business to finish up here in Houston and I wanted to tell "adios" face to face.

Casey: I want you to penal your ass back here, pick up your shit and get the fuck out of my house.

Nick: No can do, buddy. I appreciate your situation but I told ya I have a little unfinished business to take care of.

[Connects a silencer on his gun]

Casey: Through what?

Nick: Little unfinished business.

Casey: If you're not back here in fifteen minutes you're gonna have to pick up your shit for the police evidence room.

Nick: And tell them what? Your ex-partner had a step by with a basket full of goodies and you felt it was your moral obligation to turn them in? I don't think so.

Casey: Look, you lying piece of shit! Right now I have a little trouble coming up with reasons not to BLOW THE BACK OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF.

Nick: You don't sound like that happy suburban that I saw this morning. Don't forget...

[Knocks the phone on the wheel]

Nick: never can tell, they can listen us in. Just watch my shit, Case, I'll be back in a couple of hours, I'll pick my bags and I'll split.

Casey: Watch your shit? You're not hearing me, Nick, get...

Nick: Sorry, Case, time's up, gotta go.

[Hangs up]

Casey: Nick? Nick? Nick?

[In anger starts smashing the phone]

Casey: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Casey: [Casey picks up the phone] Hello!

Nick: Hey Casey!

Casey: NICK! Man it's good to hear from you! God damn, I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your visit.

Nick: I know you're pissed.

Casey: Pissed? Oh no, I'm not pissed. If you hadn't brought your friends along what would I have done with my day, Man? I had missed out on being beaten, raped, abused, tied up, general fucked up. And not to mention what you have done for my house.

[He looks around in the kitchen]

Casey: What would you call it? Early gothic horror.

Nick: Ballpean's Casa, 7 o'clock.

Casey: Where the fuck a nigger get a name like that?

Nick: You seen Little Nigger's arm, right?

Casey: Oh, yeah.

Nick: That's why they call him Ballpean.

Casey: He broke Jimmy's arm?

Nick: With a 10-pound ballpean hammer. Three years ago, Lester James, AKA Ballpean, was a big stud motherfucker. Had a stable of bitches he fucked on a regular basis, but every couple of weeks he went out to get some strange...

Nick: One night Lester finds himself in this titty bar, and this KNOCKOUT white girl named Raven is just gyrating her little tits off. Well, Lester wanted her, in the WORST way. Even MORE when she told him to go fuck himself. He just sprinkles a little fairy dust on her, some how gets her to go back to his place. Well, that was all she wrote. He ABUSED this bitch. He FUCKED her every way that you can think of and THEN some. Finally, he gets ready to go AGAIN and he figures he'd really degrade this bitch and make her blow him. So, he pushes her head down, and BAM! She bites that motherfucker's dick clean off. Now, fortunately, they found it, and they sewed it back on - but it never worked right again...

Nick: The problem is, a story like that gets around. You know how it is? So, to combat this, any time he even heard anybody talk about it, he'd use his fuckin' hammer on 'em. Ballpean kinda stuck.

[Nick arrives at Casey's door, looking like a gangster]

Casey: Turn around and put your hands on the wall.

Nick: [scoffs] What?

Casey: Turn around and put your hands on that wall.

Nick: You're kidding, right?

[Casey crosses his arms and exhales]

Nick: You're not gonna try and fuck me, are you?

Casey: [patting Nick down] You wish.

Nick: This isn't exactly how I envisioned our re-union going.

[Casey spins Nick around, bear hugs him, and picks him up]

Nick: Oh, god damn! Ah! You had me going.

Casey: God damn! Good to see you.

[Casey pushes Nick and kisses him jokingly on the cheek]

Casey: You wanna beer?

Nick: When's the last time you had a beer at 8 in the morning?

Casey: About three and a half years ago.

Casey: [to Nick] Look, you lying piece of shit. I am having a little bit of trouble COMING UP WITH REASONS *NOT* TO BLOW THE BACK OF YOUR *FUCKING* HEAD OFF!

Dallas: [Dallas's tied up Casey] Well, Case, it's you and I. So what do you think?

Casey: How my wife is gonna have my ass when she finds out I let some dyke in a pink rubber dress blow off a chance for Happy Meals and diaper wipes.

Dallas: It's red, asshole.

[points gun at him]

Dallas: Or is it?

Dallas: You can keep the smack and I'll take the money.

Casey: Money? What fucking money?

Dallas: Looks like we're going around circles here.

[Puts a gun to his head]

Dallas: I need two mill, Casey. Now let me...

Casey: Now let me explain something to you. I am not a drug dealer. It's been four years since I've seen any drugs. I'm an architect. I'm a little happy Republican who spends the majority of his time trying to figure out how to pay the fucking bills and how make my wife happy.

Casey: [trying to convince himself] There is nothing in that case but a pack of legal documents. Maybe a box of condoms. That's it.

[suddenly grabs a screwdriver]

Ice: You know what happens if I pull this trigger? Do ya?

Casey: I repaint my ceiling.

Casey: [explaining away how long it took him to answer the door] I'm sorry about that, I couldn't find the key to the door.

Dr. Jarvis: I didn't hear it unlock.

Casey: Oh that's right, yeah, I didn't find it.

[last lines]

Casey: Sweetheart, there are a lot of things you don't know about me...

Casey: [Chopper flies over head] Supply drop. It's for the outsiders. We don't get any

Robbins: How often do they come?

Casey: Twice a month maybe? Hey, you thinking about trying to jump that chopper, forget it, they pick a new spot each time. We never know where. Even if we did, who's going to fly it? Most of these kinds can't even read.

Robbins: I can.

Casey: What? Fly a chopper?

Robbins: No, read.

Casey: [pause] Mr. Robbins! I think it is time I bought you a drink.

Casey: [enters the Absolum Distillery] Mr. Killian? Hey, Mr. Killian? How about two shots of your finest twelve-day-old?

Killian: Piss off!

Casey: [Three loud knocks are heard on an apartment door. The apartment walls are stacked with electronics boxes] Who is it?

Det. Barzak: [Muffled voice heard through locked door] What's happening, man? Some brothers downtown said you got VCRs for sale.

Casey: Get outta here, man! You got the wrong house! I'm a lawyer!

Det. Barzak: I got cash, motherfucker! I need twenty of 'em!

Casey: Whoooooo!

[Casey begins to unlock the door, realizes who it is, tries to re-lock it, and Nick breaks it down]

Casey: Hey. I was just on the toilet thinking 'bout yall, man. Ain't life a bitch?

Det. Barzak: [singing Gimme Some Lovin by the Spencer Davis Group, badly, while playing a guitar in the zoo] We're so glad you made it - we're so glad you made it. Gimme some lovin'; GIMME SOME A-LOVIN'!

[an elephant trumpets]

Casey: You could make animals sick with that shit. You should cool out.

[Climbs onto a bike to leave]

Det. Hazeltine: Hey, how about that, man. You got any more room on that bicycle?

Det. Barzak: Hey, hey, hey! I been working on this a LONG time, man.

Det. Hazeltine: [looking at stacks of identical VCR boxes] All this yours, brother?

Casey: Uh, yeah brother. Well, see; I'm 'bout to get married. You know how everybody gives you the same present?

Det. Hazeltine: Oh, ye- yeah!

Det. Barzak: Oh, yeah - that's right. That's right. What - you get this $8,000 Rolex for, uh, Christmas, right?

Casey: Yeah, I got that from my lady.

Det. Barzak: [removes Casey's watch, examines the back, & shows it to him] So: how come it's engraved "With Love, to Dr. Ira Kettlebaum"? Check it out.

Casey: [thinking briefly] That's what the bitch calls me, man. Yeah.

Det. Barzak: Oh, it's like a pet name, right? Yeah.

[imitating a woman's shrill voice]

Det. Barzak: "Stick it to me Doctor Kettlebaum!" Oooh-oooh! She's a real squealer & shit?

Casey: Yeah, she's a freak.

Det. Barzak: Squealer, right? Yeah.

Casey: What am I supposed to do? Write a piece called "We're all fucked"?

Charlie Geller: Yes! That's a perfect title!

Casey: Thanks for coming guys, totally fucking awesome to see you.

Charlie Geller: Yeah. Casey, I've always hated you because you were a prick in college and you are a prick today!

Casey: Thanks Charlie! Still living with your mom?

Casey: [after Jane turns down a drink offer from George] He asks if you want a drink. You smile and say, 'Vodka soda.' If you already have a drink, you down it. Then there's some flirting, some interoffice sex, an accidental pregnancy, a shot gun wedding, and a life of bliss. How many times do we have to go over this?

Casey: [on seeing Kevin] Who was that and where can I get one?

Casey: [she and Jane are in mutual friend's wedding. Casey's hair is a mess] What? Don't look at me like that! The bitch said "Up" so it's up!

Jane: God, Casey, can't you keep it in your pants for one wedding?

Casey: Are you kidding? The only reason to wear this monstrous dress is that so some drunken groomsman can rip it to shreds with his teeth.

[Jane has just humiliated Tess at her rehearsal dinner]

Casey: So what happened?

Jane: He needed to know the truth.

Casey: You could have told him face-to-face. I mean, I know my moral compass doesn't exactly point due north, but... if I say something's wrong, something's wrong.

Jane: You're the one who's always telling me to stand up for myself.

Casey: Yeah, but that's not what you did. What you did was unleash twenty years of repressed feelings in one night. It was entertaining, don't get me wrong, but if it was the right thing to do, you'd feel better right now. Do you feel better right now?

Casey: [seeing Jane] Ooh, you clean up good. *I* might even be into you.

Jane: George appreciates me for who I am!

Casey: What good is it being appreciated if no one is naked?

Casey: Hey, do you want to come over to my place before the party? Some of the guys from shipping are coming, and they're bringing tequila and bubble wrap.

Casey: What good is it being appreciated if no one is naked?

Miller: Yeah, she's cute, but she's not my type.

Casey: What is your type?

Miller: Girls who want to have sex with me.

Nicole: So, I take it you're not in a frat?

Casey: No, because I'm not angry and secretly gay.

Casey: Don't ask about my sister, she's 16.

Miller: Well, yeah, but in the real world she's really like 18.

Casey: No, in the real world she's 16.

Casey: Aren't we a little too old to be doing the whole music festival thing?

Miller: I don't know, Casey, are we too old to have fun times?

Casey: No.

Miller: Are we too old to spend a week enjoying 250 bands play seminal music of our generation? Are we too old to drop acid and make love to white chicks with dreadlocks?

Jeff Chang: I don't like dreadlocks.

Miller: Are we too old to take handfuls of ecstasy and dance around in fur, with other people in fur?

Casey: Yes! We're too old for all of those things.

Miller: I'll bet you five bucks that I fuck your sister before you fuck my sister.

Casey: I bet you five bucks that I fuck my sister before you fuck my sister.

Miller: I'll give you five bucks if you fuck your sister.

Taxi Driver: OK, can we cool it with the sister fucking?

Miller: Look, JeffChang, this isn't just any birthday.OK? This is your 21st birthday.

Casey: Here we go!

Miller: This is the day that you become a man.This is the day that you get to tell every bouncer who's ever carded you,"You know what? Sure, I get it.Yes, I look like a nine-year-old Chinese girl."

Jeff Chang: What the fuck?

Miller: "But guess what?Today is my 21st fucking birthday.So, step aside and let the man come through."

Miller: [Forced to kiss eachother] I just... I wish you were wearing more than a tube sock, but fuck it, baby.

Casey: I really wish you didn't call me baby.

Casey: Chuck, I never did like you. Oh, but God, hold me tight.

Chuck: Hey, Casey, do you like sex with death?

Casey: Yeah, so fuck off and die.

Spider: What're they doin', man?

Burt Wilson: [over the telephone to the Military Intelligence] Hang on a second, will ya?

[to Spider]

Burt Wilson: It's weird. These people seem to say they've been waiting for this to happen. Apparently, they've got some sort of contingency plan to deal with it.

Casey: That's great!

Spider: [suspiciously] What is this plan?

Tina: Why don't we go to the park?

Scuz: Oh we can't, the cops said they'd shoot us if we go back to the park.

Spider: Yeah, and I ain't in no mood to die tonight.

Trash: I like death.

Chuck: I like death with sex. Casey, do you like sex with death?

Casey: Yeah so fuck off and die.

[referring to Suicide]

Casey: Well, look who it is! Your friend and mine.

Suicide: Hey, fuck you, ballbuster!

Casey: Hey, is that Freddy?

Chuck: Where?

Casey: Over there, going into that building.

Chuck: No. That is NOT Freddy.

Casey: How would you know?

Chuck: Because, why would Freddy be going into a mortuary?

Casey: [In the Bar] There's something I've been dying to ask you. What's in the basket?

Duane Bradley: My brother.

Casey: Your brother!

Casey: [Duane and Casey both laugh] What is he, a midget?

Duane Bradley: No, we're twins. Siamese twins

Casey: That's funny, you don't look...

Casey, Duane Bradley: oriental!

Casey: [Duane and Casey both laugh] So what happened? Somebody shrink him?

Duane Bradley: No, he's deformed. A freak, he looks like a squashed octopus!

Duane Bradley: Our mother died giving birth to us. He was attached to my right side. They wouldn't let us go to school or anything. They kept us hidden. We were the big family secret. everybody hated us, except our aunt. See, he likes the dark. He doesn't like to be seen, not even by me sometimes. And you know what else?

Duane Bradley: [Casey shakes her head] He talks to me

Duane Bradley: [Points to his head] Up here.

Duane Bradley: Without words. I just here him whispering in my brain. Sometimes he talks for hours and won't shut up. i used to be able to talk to him like that, but that was when we were still connected. Our aunt said it was our special gift. But since we've been separated, I can't do it anymore, but he can still do it to me. In fact, he's even better at it now, he always knows what I'm thinking...

Casey: Duane, you're giving me the creeps.

Duane Bradley: They didn't want him to live. But he fooled them. He didn't die, he just got stronger. Oh, If you only knew what it was like. Duane and I kept hidden from everyone. We're the both of us so messed up. I don't know which one of us is worse...

Casey: [very concerned] Dwayne, what's the matter?

Duane Bradley: [furious] Get out of here!

Casey: Can't you look where I'm goin'?

Casey: What's wrong here?

George Kerby: You are. Take a walk.

Casey: [referring to Topper] Did you notice something funny about that guy?

Elevator Boy: That guy ain't funny, he ain't even human!

Casey: I can't believe you had a threesome before brunch!

Peter: Oh my God, a gay guy's acting slutty. Call TMZ!

Casey: You can almost see the crabs leaping from one torso to the other.

Casey: Who's George Michael?

Jerry: Think Adam Lambert but with plastic surgery and success.

Peter: I'm just not the boyfriend type.

Casey: Oh. I'm definitely the boyfriend type.

Peter: That's part of what makes you so hot... and why I haven't tried to go to naked town with you. I respect you.

Casey: That's really sweet, but... um... I'd love to be disrespected right now.

[last lines]

Casey: While giving Lola head: "And this time when you say you are gonna come, you'd better mean it."

Candy: [in Vietnamese] Ooh, Casey has a straight boyfriend!

Casey: [in Vietnamese] It's better than a gay husband!

Zack: [to Casey] Ryan1989, you're way hotter than your pic.

Casey: I'm so glad I stalked you.

Helen: So when DID you finally get your man-cherry popped?

Casey: Aunt Helen! You don't want to hear about THAT!

Helen: Of course I do. I wouldn't be a good aunt if I didn't.

Casey: We should, like, form a club, ha-ha.

Tandy: Excuse me, I gotta go take a shit.

Zack: What are some of your skills?

Casey: Huh?

Zack: Things you can do to help with the auction since we can't sell you?

Casey: That drink was strong - like drinking blood straight from Amy Winehouse's wrist.

Tiffani von der Sloot: Compliments will get you nowhere unless you're straight and hung like Mr. T.

Casey: Damn and damn.

Tiffani von der Sloot: [in Vietnamese] Pam, Candy, this is the fag who will clean for us and attract gay customers.

Candy: [in Vietnamese] He's too skinny. The gays want more meat on the bone.

Pam: [in Vietnamese] No. Some like to take a twig boy, spread his legs reeeeal wide and snap him in two.

Candy: Oh-ho.

Tiffani von der Sloot: [to Casey, in English] They just said they can't wait to get to know you.

Casey: Oh, cool. Uh, tell 'em I feel the same way.

Tiffani von der Sloot: [in Vietnamese to Pam and Candy] He says treat him nice or he'll call immigration on your asses.

[Casey questions the necessity of creating a fake Internet identity using pictures of Tiffani's sensuous ex-boyfriend Ryan]

Casey: Why would I want Zack to talk to someone way hotter than I am?

Tiffani von der Sloot: When's the last time you opened up to an ugly stranger? Besides, you just find out what you need to know then Ryan will disappear. A fake profile is the perfect wingman.

Casey: What kinda straight guy goes on a date with another man?

Tiffani von der Sloot: He was a stripper at a gay bar. He'd clean a toilet with his dick for a dollar.

Casey: [to himself in a mirror, wearing Ryan's policeman props] You're been a very bad boy. You have a right to remain sexy. Anything you touch will be held against you in a court of my...

Casey: You're straight?

Ryan: We're just three dudes, havin' some fun, now PULL.

Casey: I can't shit in public toilets.

Lilly: Seems ya got a long summer for YOU.

Casey: God, I think you just scared a fart out of me.

Penny: I get that a lot.

Beau: Wow, Casey, you're like the cutest red-head I've ever seen.

Casey: Thanks, but, um, I... I'm-I'm blonde.

Beau: Oh, whatever it is, you're smokin'.

Penny: I read a scientific study once. To see if a guy's gay, they got him to look at a hot naked man and checked if he had a boner.

Casey: They did a study on that?

Penny: Yeah.

Casey: I'm a terrible person.

Lilly: Only on the inside.

Penny: But Benji's not even gay, maybe.

Casey: He had a frozen turkey leg when we kissed.

Casey: Okay, look, I'm pretty cool, but I'm NOT gonna stick his dick in your mouth for you.

Jason: Now, Petruchio, I want you to lean in and kiss Hortensio and get your first kiss ever.

Casey: Um... for realsies?

Penny: [having groped a fellow camper] I can't tell if Benji's dick was big because it was hard or big because it was just a big dick.

Casey: Well, how dense was it?

Penny: Normal dense?

Casey: Okay, like grabbing a frozen turkey leg dense or like grabbing a giant marshmallow dense?

Penny: I don't know - somewhere in between? - but it could have been his iphone or a shoe for all I know.

Casey: A shoe? When's the last time you touched a dick, anyway?

Penny: That was my first.

Casey: The perversions must end!... Family values must be saved!

Christine: No! This is a Troma movie!

Casey: I was thinking about going home and putting a Spielberg movie in - 'Always' or '1941,' something really great like that.

Casey: Sam Fuller, the American no-talent embraced by those French derelicts.

Jerry: Hey look, wouldn't you know it? I missed a spot with the blood. Blood boy! Blood boy!

Casey: You know Jerry, there are many ways to express oneself other then saying "more blood, more blood"!

Jerry: Okay, I could express myself a bit more physically by giving you a nice PUNCH in the fucking lungs! How would you like that?

Casey: You shouldn't hit me.

Jerry: Oh, and why is that?

Casey: Well, because...

[Casey suddenly grabs Jerry and throws him against a wall and lifts him by his collar a few feet off the floor]

Casey: You'll be nothing but a bloody heap of quivering pasty white flesh lying on the ground begging for your mama! Would you like that?

Jerry: [terrified] No...

Jennifer: I'm glad that wasn't a real knife.

Andy: If course it was not a real knife. We wouldn't even allow a butter knife on the set. We all know Benjamin's three simple rules to safety. One, safety to humans. Two, safety to people's property. And three, make a good movie.

Casey: Yeah, too bad he can't seem to get rule three right.

Jerry: Hey Ward, according to these new revisions, Toxie finds out that the chemical company responsible for turning him into the Toxic Avenger was called Junk-O Chemicals.

Ward: No way!

Jerry: Way! It turns out that it was owned by his late father who made this plant which made Toxie sick which is why he commited suicide, and Toxie never even knew it!

Casey: All these revisions... it's absolutely ridiculous.

Jerry: I'm sorry, what?

Casey: We change the script every day. It completely changes everything in the story.

Jerry: Yes. You can do whatever you want to at Troma. It's this shit in which the best chaos emerges.

Casey: How can you like this offensive garbage anyway?

Jerry: Because it is offensive. Sometimes pissing people off is the only reason to get them to look at shit.

[the Mad Cow Boy standing nearby yells 'moo']

Jerry: See? Even Mad Cow Boy agrees.

Old Man Phil: Larry Benjamin was the first director to deal with the subject of AIDS way back in 1985.

Casey: Right, you call having a mindless nymphet getting raped by an evil general with AIDS is dealing with the subject?

Jerry: Right. What's best about it is that you can order that movie and all of Benjamin's older movies on VHS.

Old Man Phil: And on DVD with a director's commentary.

Jerry: Safely and securely on-line or through telephone or mail order.

[the Mad Cow Boy yells 'moo']

Old Man Phil: What's that Mad Cow Boy? You want the Internet address? It's www.Troma.com.

[the caption reading 'http://www.troma.com OR CALL 1-800-83-TROMA' appears on the screen]

Theodora: Larry, Old Man Phil is dead!

Moose: Somebody start digging a fucking hole!

Casey: Houston, we have a problem.

[Yeager the PA looks at and eats the brown excrement from the bottom of the dead body of Old Man Phil]

Naked P.A.: This is definately not chocolate pudding.

Casey: [Southern Belle Accent] My, my, it's hot. But thank God it's not sticky. I just hate it when it's sticky. Listen to silly me. A sticky desert. That's as foolish as a... an intelligent woman. How ridiculous. What nonsense. God, I miss Tara.

Battle: FUCKING BITCH!

Casey: There you go.

Battle: SCREW HER!

Casey: That's right.

Battle: Yeah, I didn't like her anyway. She smelled funny.

Casey: They send me out last. You get me, you've hit bottom. I'm the last cookie in the jar.

Casey: Oh, what are you so worried about? I'm not going to get girly bugs on you.

Casey: Oh mister, you can't do that. you don't know how sick you're gonna be. I just went through this with my dog.

McBride: What are you doing?

Casey: I came for a job.

McBride: This is Brentwood Limousines Ltd.

Casey: I know, I came to be a driver.

[the elder driver is getting visibly excited]

McBride: Madame, if you continue masturbating my driver, you are going to be a murderer.

McBride: Giles.

Giles: Yes, sir.

McBride: Get her a uniform

Casey: [Chasing after Giles] Hey, slow down. What's your problem? Where ya goin', Babe? It is "Babe", isn't it?

McBride: A woman says you and your friends tried to rape her... and her dog.

Casey: She was worth 20,000 points.

Casey: [to Abdul] Your Excellency, do you want to wait for your bodyguard?

Bone: What do you mean? What do I look like? His manicurist? I'M his bodyguard! I'm his American bodyguard. Yeah, he's got a whole bunch of bodyguards out there. Those towlheads out there are his Arabian bodyguards. They protect him from sandstorms comming up in his face, and camel farts which make him nervous. I protect him from... from those guys because there was an artical in Scentific American that these Iranian guys get the sun beatin' on their heads. They come out of the sun and they go ape shit... and kill their superiors, their generals and stuff. I'm here to protect him from them.

Casey: Is that all right, your Excellency?

Bone: Of course it's all right! I'm his bodyguard. I'm Bone and this is... what's your name?

[Abdul does not respond]

Bone: Fine. Let's call him Abdul. Let's just drive. Lady, just drive.

Giles: You used to be a school bus driver and now you want to drive limousines?

Casey: Woo - Baby.

McBride: You're deluded.

Casey: [gasps] I've never had a 'lude in my life.

Casey: Have you ever tried to give a dog an Alka-Seltzer?

Casey: Rise and shine.

Catfight: [Popping up from under covers] Take off your clothes and get into bed.

Casey: We've been driving around in circles for two hours. I'm getting dizzy.

Casey: [quietly] Oh, eat me.

Battle: What did you say?

Casey: Will we be stopping for lunch?

[opening lines]

Casey: [referring to Regina] Pret-ty woman.

Florence Farmer: Boy look what a beautiful glaze she's got on her eyes.

Casey: I'd call that glassy eyed.

Florence Farmer: Hmmm.

Casey: You never know what you're going to find in someone's pocket.

Casey: Harry never holds.

Terry Donager: I'm Terry Donager.

Casey: Hi, I'm Casey.

Casey: Matt, I have a question for you.

Matt: Uh huh.

Casey: If you were able to know when you were going to die, would you want to know?

Matt: I feel like an idiot.

Casey: You look like an idiot.

Matt: I am an idiot.

Matt: We're hundreds of miles away from home, what are we supposed to do?

Casey: Tap our heels three times?

Matt: You think I'm crazy?

Casey: You're asking me?

Matt: You pulled the alarm?

Casey: Yeah.

Matt: What are you nuts?

Casey: Yeah.

Casey: I don't want to be sick anymore, okay?

Matt: You don't have to.

Casey: I don't want to live like this!

Matt: You don't have to!

Casey: They'll lock me up.

Matt: No... no, I'm not gonna let 'em... alright? But you can't do this yourself. Neither can I... I tried, okay? I can't do it.

Casey: Well then go... if it's too much for you to handle.

Matt: I can handle it, alright? I mean I'm here, aren't I? I'm here right now! I'm not leaving!

Casey: Listen, asshole...

Phone Voice: [interrupting] No, *you* listen to me you little bitch! You hang up on me again and I'll gut you like a fish!

Phone Voice: Name the killer in Friday the 13th.

Casey: Jason! Jason! Jason!

Phone Voice: I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer!

Casey: No, it's not. No it's not. It was Jason.

Phone Voice: Afraid not. No way.

Casey: Listen, it was Jason! I saw that movie 20 goddamn times!

Phone Voice: Then you should know that Jason's mother, Mrs. Voorhees was the original killer. Jason didn't show up until the sequel. I'm afraid that was a wrong answer.

Casey: [Weeping] You tricked me.

Phone Voice: Lucky for you there's a bonus round, but poor Steve... I'm afraid he's OUT!

Casey: Who's there?

Ghostface: Never say "who's there?" Don't you watch scary movies? It's a death wish. You might as well come out to investigate a strange noise or something.

Phone Voice: You still haven't told me your name.

Casey: [smiling] Why do you want to know my name?

Phone Voice: Because I want to know who I'm looking at.

Casey: [looks around, frightened] ... What did you say?

Phone Voice: [short pause] I said I want to know who I'm talking to.

Casey: That's not what you said.

Phone Voice: [serious tone] What do you think I said?

Casey: [Talking on the phone to Ghostface] What do you want?

Ghostface: To see what your insides look like.

[first lines]

Casey: Hello?

Phone Voice: Hello.

Casey: Yes?

Phone Voice: Who is this?

Casey: Who are you trying to reach?

Phone Voice: What number is this?

Casey: Well, what number are you trying to reach?

Phone Voice: I don't know.

Casey: I think you have the wrong number.

Phone Voice: Do I?

Casey: It happens. Take it easy.

Casey: Look, I am two seconds away from calling the police!

Phone Voice: They'll never make it in time.

Ghostface: Wait, I thought we were going to go out.

Casey: [uneasily, starting to feel nervous] Um, I don't think so.

Ghostface: [in a warning tone] Don't hang up on me.

Casey: [she hangs up. The phone rings again] Yes?

Ghostface: [in an ominous, taunting threatening tone] I told you not to hang up on me.

Casey: What do you want?

Casey: Hello?

Phone Voice: Why don't you wanna talk to me?

Casey: Who is this?

Phone Voice: You tell me your name, I'll tell you mine.

Casey: I don't think so.

[checks popcorn]

Phone Voice: What's that noise?

Casey: Popcorn!

Phone Voice: You're making popcorn?

Casey: Uh huh.

Phone Voice: I only eat popcorn at the movies.

Casey: Well, I'm getting ready to watch a video.

Phone Voice: Really, what?

Casey: Oh, just some scary movie.

Phone Voice: Do you like scary movies?

Casey: Uh huh.

Phone Voice: What's your favourite scary movie?

Casey: I dunno.

Phone Voice: You have to have a favourite, what comes to mind?

Zeke: Here, take this.

Casey: Now Marybeth.

Zeke: Sniff it.

Casey: You're out of your fucking mind!

Zeke: I'm about to take my chances. I leave for five minutes, and when I come back everyone's a fucking alien. Now, if I have to Men In Black your ass, you're gonna fucking take it!

[Casey sniffs it hasefuly]

Casey: Happy now?

Coach Willis: You're not much into sports.

Casey: I don't think that a person should run unless he's being chased.

Coach Willis: "Being chased." I like that.

Casey: God, you can be such a...

Delilah: What?

Casey: Pretty cool human being when you're not being a first class grade A bitch.

Delilah: Are you hitting on me Casey?

Casey: No. No, I just think that you can be cool. Sometimes. This not being one of them.

Stan: It must really blow being you.

Casey: You have no idea.

Marybeth: You know in my world Casey, there were limitless oceans as far as the eye could see. Beautiful, huh? Till it started to dry out. So I escaped, came here, and I met you, all of you, and all of you were different from the others. You were lost and lonely, just like me. And I thought that maybe I could give you a taste of my world. A world without anger, without fear, without attitude. Where the underachiever goes home at night to parents who care. The jock can be smart, the ugly duckling beautiful, and the class wuss doesn't have to live in terror. The new girl - well - the new girl she can just fit right in with anybody. People who are just like her. You see Casey, even Mary-Beth's feelings can be hurt by a bunch of pathetic, lost, little outcasts who truly believe that their disaffected lonely life is the only way they can survive. I can make you a part of something so special Casey, so perfect, so fearless... Don't you want that, Casey?

Casey: I'd rather be afraid!

Marybeth: Fine. Alright. Have it your way! 'Cause this is where your land of fiction gets it right: we win. End of story!

Zeke: Stan, take it.

Stan: No way, you're takin' it!

Casey: [laughing and obviously high] You're takin' it!

[Stan picks up gun and points it at Casey]

Stan: What the hell is wrong with him?

Zeke: Nothing's wrong with him. He's tweaking you asshole! Let him fucking tweak!

Casey: Tweak! Tweak!

Casey: You're not buying this, are you?

Stokely: No, I'm not... but it's kinda cool.

Stokely: What are we going to do with the police not being an option?

Stan: I could call my dad, he'd know what to do.

Casey: If he's really your dad anymore.

Casey: If you were going to take over the world, would you blow up the White House 'Independence Day' style, or sneak in through the back door?

Delilah: Your fanclub is here.

Casey: Network or local?

Delilah: Both.

Casey: Everyone's been acting really weird, especially the faculty.

Stokely: Tell me about it, it's like they've all turned into fucking pod people or something.

Casey: Into what people?

Stokely: Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Small town gets taken over by aliens... That was a joke.

Stokely: Body Snatchers is a story somebody made up, dingus. It's located in the fiction section of the library.

Casey: Yeah, so is Schindler's List.

Stan: Come on guys, this is nuts.

Delilah: Then leave, Stan. Why are you hanging around? Go win a Pulitzer.

Stan: Blow me, Delilah, 'cause I'm sick of you're shit.

Delilah: Well, then get the fuck out of here and take your little freak dyke with you.

Stokely: Fuck you, tit bags!

Casey: Will everybody calm down, please?

Stokely: So they've just been setting us up over the years with their E.T.'s and their Men In Black movies, just so no one would believe it if it ever happened.

Casey: I think so.

Zeke: Casey, the only person in this school who's an alien is you, man.

Casey: Fuck you, Zeke.

Delilah: Hello Casey. Where ya gonna go, huh? The class wuss... eternal little loser who comes to school everyday knowing this is it. You've been labeled 'pathetic' since first grade and you're afraid it's going to bleed over for the rest of your life. Well we can stop it Casey. We can help you belong. Isn't that what you really want?

Casey: Please don't do this Delilah.

Delilah: I haven't been this happy since... since... before my dad died. You know you want me Casey. Come on. Let's do it together.

[last lines]

Casey: Things sure have changed, havent they?

Casey: [after being told to sniff scat] Why me first?

Zeke: It's your birthright man, just fucking take it.

Gabe: Hey yo, pisswad, you're in my way.

Casey: I'm sorry. I was breathing here.

Gabe: Yeah, that's the problem, you're occupying my air, anal probe.

Zeke: You both take the drug.

Casey: Ohh... showdown!

Casey: We think aliens are taking over the school.

Casey: I say we go for the coach. He turned Stan. He's the one. Or do you want to wait for them to come to us?

Marybeth: Either way we're completely unarmed.

Zeke: Maybe not. I might have some more skat. In my trunk.

Casey: In your trunk? In your car? Amongst the aliens? Oh, that's convenient.

Zeke: [Holds up his car keys] You got a better idea?

Geoffrey: Trouble at that mad house

Casey: [Worried] Where the crazy people live

Randy: Why would any of them want to break out?

Geoffrey: [Comically] Maybe to go to the circus!

Casey: They really are out tonight

Randy: [Confused] Who are?

Casey: The clowns

Casey: The clowns... the clowns Randy they're here

Casey: [about clowns] You never know what they really are

Casey: [Annoyed] Did you ever hear of contraception?

Casey: Alright... Victor Sparks! This song is, um, written by Craig for a band called the Victors!...

Mark: Victor Sparks?

Michael: [nodding] Victor Sparks.

Mark: Sounds like a porn star.

Michael: [drinking his beer] Oh, he wishes.

Mark: [laughing] Which one is Victor Sparks?

Michael: [pointing towards stage] He's the Pillsbury-guy looking there...

Victor Sparks: [tuning guitar and addressing the crowd] Y'all don't have to be so polite...