Carson Quotes in Team America: World Police (2004)

Carson: The terrorist is getting away with the WMD.

Joe: I got him

[fires a rocket at the terrorist, it misses and hits the Eiffel Tower causing it to collapse into the 'Arc de Triomphe']

Joe: Damn, I missed him!

Carson: You think you've beaten the political system because you're hiding out at the bottom of it.

Melinda: That's Carrot. He's always there and always on the lie.

Carson: He seems to be a very self confident young man.

Carson: My usual fee is 5 thousand, but...

Tracy Malvoisie: I don't expect any favors from a cut-price Galahad!

Carson: You didn't let me finish, I was going to say for you 10 thousand.

Hulse: Here's where he varied from the program. That has to be the message. We fed the notes into the computer.

Cooper: [reading] "ARDIE BETGO INDYO CEFAR OGGEL." What the hell is this?

Hulse: I don't know.

Carson: Oh, come on, can't you see? He's rubbing our noses in it! Let's just pick him up and put an end to it.

Cooper: [frowning] Is this "cefar oh-gle" or "cefar oggle"?

Hulse: Oh-gle.

Cooper: "Oh-gle"?

Hulse: Could be "oggle."

Carson: How'd it go, sir?

Cooper: Great. I haven't felt this good since I overthrew the government of Chile.

Luanne: Come back, they'll see you!

Carson: What does it matter, Luanne? Your folks obviously know Pudge.

Luanne: I'm going to tell my parents that Pudge went crazy and that she ran off and we didn't know what to do, so we called the police, and the police tracked her here to Myrtle Beach.

Carson: Luanne, why don't we just go up there and say "This was our last weekend together, and we didn't feel like going to Fort Sumter and touring goddamn colonial homes. We wanted to go to the beach and meet boys and go to wild parties and dance." I mean why can't we tell them the truth?

Buzz: I'm Buzz Ravenal. Let's dance.

Carson: I'm sorry, I'm engaged.

Buzz: Well, I'm sorry you're engaged, too.

Carson: You want me to go all the way up there, to a Yankee school, just so I can come over every weekend and practice "free love" with you?

Buzz: Well, not every weekend.

Buzz: This is intimate.

Carson: Let me out.

Buzz: What are you doin' with that guy? I'm insulted. He's completely wrong for you.

Carson: You don't know me, you don't love me, you sure as all damn don't want to marry me, so why don't you leave me the hell alone?

Buzz: I don't think I can.

Carson: I love y'all so much, and uh, y'all are going off to college and everything, and you're gonna forget me. I know I shouldn't be jealous, but I am.

[cries]

Malaina: She's wrecked her face.

Luanne: Carson, I swear, I swear on the Bible I will write you every week from college, and so will Pudge, and so will Malaina.

Malaina: I'm not going to college.

Carson: Y'all really think I'm doing the right thing?

Malaina: [nonchalantly] Yeah, sure.

Luanne: Of course, Harley Ralston is a wonderful man from a well rounded family, and I know you're gonna be very happy.

Malaina: And if you're not, there's always divorce.

Luanne and Pudge: [disgusted] Malaina!

Luanne: I wanna lay down some rules.

[Pudge sits on the couch]

Luanne: I don't want anybody sitting on the furniture.

[Pudge gets up]

Luanne: If you have to sit then just sit on the floor. Also, don't anybody use the telephone.

Malaina: Oh come on, Luanne!

Luanne: The house is supposed to be empty, if we run up that phone bill and Daddy sees someone was here, why he'd...

Carson: What about calling Harley?

Luanne, Malaina and Pudge: You're not calling Harley!

Carson: Luanne, that was our turnoff!

Luanne: Oh damn, guess we just have to go to Myrtle Beach!

Buzz: You girls want a beer?

Pudge: They don't sell beer.

Carson: I have a soda.

Buzz: Bartender, four Beevos.

Carson: Okay everybody, How Mature Are You? The night before the prom your steady breaks his leg. Do you A, stay home with him and watch TV all night and let your new prom gown go to waste, or B, drag him to the prom broken leg and all and dance with his best friend?

Malaina: Well what's the best friend look like?

Luanne: Malaina! A, sit home and let your new prom gown go to waste.

Carson: Luanne is mature, okay, question 2, you're at a party and your date offers you an alcoholic drink, do you A, politely refuse and ask for a soft drink?

Malaina: Or B, get knee walking drunk and let him go to third base.

Carson: You are not like anybody I have ever met.

Buzz: Well you are like every girl I've ever met. You're stuck up tight-assed and conventional.

Carson: Hey Moody! You owe me a years worth of lunch money

[flips Moody the bird and runs behind Linderman]

Carson: Mom! It's all over the street!

Mom: What?

Johnny: Doctor Detroit's movin' in! They say we're movin' out!

Mom: Oh, the Hell you say. I haven't even met the Doctor.

[takes shot of liquor]

Mom: But when I do,

[crushes shot glass in bare hand]

Mom: he's dog meat!

Carson: What are you going to do? Blow us both up?

Kyle: No. Just you.

Carson: Hey! Your husband didn't jump off that roof! He flew!

Carson: The only piece of evidence is this

[gesturing]

Carson: tall, and will soon be vaporised!

[to Kyle]

Carson: Hey, are you watching this movie? Not too funny. 'Course at 36,000 feet, you can't just up and walk out of the theater, can you?

Carson: You just scared the shit out of 400 passengers, people who didn't plan on spending the night in Newfoundland!

Carson: You know, people will think what I *tell* them to think. That's how authority works.

Therapist: She needs a moment on her own.

Carson: Is she any kind of threat to herself?

Therapist: No, no. No, no.

Carson: Should I take her belt and shoelaces?

Devin: What is that?

Carson: Gook, slime... nobody knows yet. Forensics found it all around here.

Dr. Lawrence Phillips: The potential across the cell membrane must be maintained during irradiation of the nucleus. Is the tri-chem stage complete?

Carson: Yes.

Dr. Lawrence Phillips: And the, uh, vapor-applicator?

Carson: It's been corrected. The histo-connect problem has been solved. There shouldn't be any snags.

Dr. Lawrence Phillips: Good. Now that we've received the infusion equipment, well, I'm certain they will understand my reason for going ahead. I've waited a long time for this moment. If we're successful today, it may well be that we have the cure for cancer.

Carson: Should I start setting up?

Marshall Thomas: When?

Carson: As soon as you get in the shower and remove that rent-boy stink off you.

Carson: So why don't you get out of my way and let me so what I do - oh, so well I might add - and save your tuchus from real embarrassment? And I am talking REAL embarrassment, not the oops-I-left-my-sexa-toy-on-the-floor sort of embarrassment you should be feeling right about... now.

Marshall Thomas: [spotting the giant dildo Dawson left behind] Wow. Okay. Um... not mine.

Carson: Of course it's not - and I'm pregnant with George Clooney's baby.

Kate: [caught dancing at window] Did you see anything - please say no.

Carson: Definitely not.

Kate: You're lying.