Carl Quotes in Starship Troopers (1997)

Carl: We thought there might be a Brain Bug on 'P'.

Carmen: You knew and still you sent them?

Carl: We couldn't afford to launch an operation if there wasn't one.

[both Carmen and Johnny look at Carl with contempt]

Carl: You disapprove? Well, too bad! We're in this war for the species, boys and girls. It's simple numbers. They have more. And every day I have to make decisions that send hundreds of people like you to their deaths.

Johnny Rico: Didn't they tell you, Colonel? That's what the Mobile Infantry is good for.

[Inside an Arachnid study laboratory]

Newsreel announcer: Every day, Federal scientists are looking for new ways to kill bugs.

Carl: Your basic Arachnid warrior isn't too smart, but you can blow off a limb,

[shoots an Arachnid warrior's limb off]

Carl: and it's still 86 percent combat effective. Here's a tip: Aim for the nerve stem, and put it down for good.

[demonstrates]

[Carl psychically probes the captured alien]

Carl: It's afraid. It's afraid.

[everyone cheers]

Carl: Now, you won't turn into a werewolf until your first full moon. That's two days from now. So we have 48 hours to find a solution. But you'll still be able to fight Dracula's hold over you until the final stroke of midnight.

Van Helsing: Sounds like I have nothing to worry about.

Carl: Oh, my God, you should be terrified!

Van Helsing: Thank you.

Carl: Sorry.

Carl: [while stocking Van Helsing's kit for the trip to Transylvania] I don't know. You could blind your enemies, char-broil a herd of chargind wildebeests - use your imagination.

Van Helsing: No, I'm going to use yours - you're coming with me.

Carl: Oh, to hell and be damned I am!

Van Helsing: Carl, you just cursed! Not well mind you but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

Carl: Actually I'm just a friar so I can curse all I want... dammit!

Carl: Why does it smell like wet dog in here?

Van Helsing: [running past him] Werewolf!

Carl: Oh! You'll be needing silver bullets then.

[he produces a box of bullets and throws them to Van Helsing, rather deftly]

Van Helsing: Well done!

Carl: [after saving the woman from the vampire children] They've all died.

Barmaid: Oh, thank you! You saved me.

[kisses him on the cheek]

Barmaid: How can I repay you?

[Carl leans in and whispers something in her ear]

Barmaid: But you can't do that! You are a monk!

Carl: Actually, I'm a just a friar.

Carl: So you can remember everything about your life from the last seven years, but nothing before that?

Van Helsing: Not now, Carl.

Carl: There must be something?

Van Helsing: [dead serious] I remember fighting the Romans at Masada.

Carl: That was in 73 A.D.

Van Helsing: You asked.

Carl: Here, take this.

[he hands Van Helsing a bag, then begins to fill it]

Carl: Rings of garlic... holy water... silver stake... crucifix...

[they pass two monks test-firing a Gatling gun]

Van Helsing: Why can't I have one of those?

Van Helsing: Now, Carl, whatever you do, don't stare at him.

[he opens the coach door, revealing the Frankenstein Monster shackled into the seat, struggling and snarling]

Carl: I'm staring at him.

[quickly turns away]

Carl: Is that a man?

Van Helsing: Actually, it's seven men. Parts of them, anyway.

Carl: [about his invention] I know what it's for! I know what it's for!... Where are we going?

Van Helsing, Anna Valerious: Through that window!

Frankenstein's Monster: [hanging from a rope] Help! Help me!

Carl: But you're supposed to die!

Frankenstein's Monster: I want to live!

Carl: ...All right.

[last lines]

Carl: She's dead.

[Dracula's minions have taken all of Frankenstein's equipment to castle Dracula]

Anna Valerious: Then we've lost.

Carl: Dracula can't bring them to life until the sun sets. We still have time.

Anna Valerious: "Time"? The sun sets in two hours, and we've been searching for his lair for over 400 years!

Carl: I wasn't around for those 400 years, was I?

Carl: [after reading something from a book in the tower in the Valerious Manner] Well, that's interesting...

[hearing something, he goes to the window and sees hundreds of pygmy bats flying past]

Carl: Oh, that's not good! Must... warn... somebody!

Carl: [notices Van Helsing] Ah, there you are. So, did you bring Mr. Hyde back or did you kill him?

[acts obvious]

Carl: You killed him, didn't you? That's why they get so annoyed. When they ask you to bring someone back they don't mean as a corpse.

[Van Helsing and Anna are both hanging off the sides of the carriage, hanging over the cliff. While the Monster is chained in his seat, Carl starts to pull Anna in, but Van Helsing's grip starts to fail]

Frankenstein's Monster: I can help!

Carl: You won't kill me?

Frankenstein's Monster: Only if you don't hurry!

[Van Helsing and Carl break into a mausoleum to hide the unconscious Monster]

Carl: I'm sure this is some kind of sin.

Van Helsing: Don't worry, God will forgive us.

Aleera: Did I scare you?

Carl: No.

Aleera: Then maybe I need to try... a little harder.

Van Helsing: You're a genius!

Carl: A genius with access to unstable chemicals!

Van Helsing: The Cardinal has ordered you to keep me alive.

[he throws the bag back to Carl, then walks past him]

Van Helsing: For as long as possible.

Carl: But I'm not a field man! Van Helsing, I don't want to go to Transylvania!

[approaching the entrance to Castle Dracula]

Carl: Do we have a plan? I mean, it doesn't have to be Wellington's at Waterloo, but some kind of plan would be nice.

Van Helsing: We're going to go in there and stop Dracula.

Anna Valerious: And kill anyone who gets in our way.

Carl: [quickly turns around] Well, you let me know how that goes...

Villager: He killed a vampire!

Carl: Isn't that a good thing?

Top Hat: The Vampires only take what they need to survive. Maybe two or three a month... but now they will kill for revenge!

Carl: Now, I've got some things that will put the bit back in your mouth...

[Van Helsing stops to inspect a rack of swords]

Carl: Oh, any idiot can make a sword.

[a hulking monk turns around holding a newly-forged sword, staring daggers at Carl]

Carl: Oh, sorry, Father.

Carl: What are we doing here? Why is it so important to kill this Dracula anyway?

Van Helsing: Because he's the son of the devil.

Carl: I mean besides that.

Van Helsing: Because if we kill him, anything bitten by him or created will also die.

Carl: I mean besides that.

Carl: Ah! Here's something new!

[pumps a drop of the yellow liquid onto his pinky finger]

Carl: Glycerine-48.

[snaps his wrist, causing a large explosion after the Glycerine-48 hits the floor. The workers shout and gasp in anger and shock]

Carl: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Carl: [turns to Van Helsing, his magnifying glasses over his eyes] Sorry!

Monk: [offscreen in the background] What in the name of Allah is wrong with you?

Carl: [to Van Helsing] The air around here is thick with envy...

Carl: How many commandments can we break in one day?

Carl: Viscous material, what did I tell you!

Frankenstein's Monster: Let me go!

Carl: Where are you going to go? I don't know if you've looked in the mirror lately, but you kind of stick out in a crowd.

[Carl hands Van Helsing his latest invention, an automatic crossbow]

Carl: A work of certifiable genius.

Van Helsing: If you don't say so yourself.

Carl: Well, I did say so myself.

Van Helsing: That's why you're coming with me.

Carl: The hell be damned that I am.

Van Helsing: You cursed. Not very well, mind you, but you're a monk. You shouldn't curse at all.

Carl: Actually, I'm still just a friar. I can curse all I want, dammit.

Carl: Are you always this popular?

Van Helsing: Pretty much.

Carl: You've never gone after vampires before, have you?

Van Helsing: Vampires, gargoyles, warlocks, they're all the same - best when cooked well.

Anna Valerious: [while looking at the cure for the werewolf curse] Go ahead, grab it.

Carl: Why don't you go ahead and grab it? If there's one thing I've learned, it's never to stick your hand into a viscous material.

Van Helsing: Carl, I need you to do something

Carl: I'm not gonna like this am I?

Carl: [shouts] Vampires!

[jumps up and then looks at the couch where the barmaid he had just made love to is]

Carl: Now I remember.

Van Helsing: [Bangs on the canal gate feverishly while staying afloat; he looks on as the Frankenstein monster drifts away with the enemy] I must save him!

Carl: [Holding his head down] No, you can't.

Van Helsing: [Surprised] Why?

Carl: [Lamentingly] I cabled Rome earlier to apprise them of our situation.

Van Helsing: And what did they say?

Carl: [Speaks with sadness in his voice] Even if you somehow kill Dracula, Rome orders you to destroy Frankenstein as well.

Van Helsing: But he isn't evil!

Carl: Yes, but they say he isn't human either.

Van Helsing: Do they know him? Have they talked with him? Who are they to judge?

Carl: They want you to destroy him so he can never be used to harm humanity.

Van Helsing: And what of *me?* Did you tell them what *I'm* to become?

[Swiftly grabs hold of Carl's throat]

Van Helsing: Did they tell you how to *kill* me?

[He lifts him up with one arm, pinning him to the gate; the more he speaks, the tighter his grip gets around Carl's throat, while he struggles vainly to free himself]

Van Helsing: The correct *angle* of the stake as it enters my heart?

Anna Valerious: [Anna, terrified of his outburst tries to grab hold of Van Helsing to get him to release Carl] No! Stop!

Van Helsing: [His hand still tightening, his iris dilate and begin to glow an eerie, pale yellow as he yells] The exact measure of *silver* in each *bullet*? Huh?

Carl: [Croaks pitifully in Van Helsing's grip, and speaks pleadingly] No, I-I left you out!

Van Helsing: [Van Helsing's eyes look more and more savage. He grimaces and doubles over, releasing Carl from his grasp. Then he clutches himself, as a vicious roar bellows though his lips; he snarls and sneers while clenching his fists trying to fight away the curse. Anna and Carl look at him with both fear of and for him; as his eyes return to that of human, he realizes he has little time left and that he has hurt his best friend. He looks at Carl with regret] I'm sorry... It is starting...

[after a big vine has swiped Carl's car]

Carl: Fine! Take it!

Alan Parrish: Listen, Carl. I know it doesn't mean much after twenty-six years. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Carl: Sorry for what?

Alan Parrish: It's me, Alan.

Alan Parrish: Where's Sir Sav-A-Lot?

Carl: Monroe and Elm!

Alan Parrish: The Episcopal Church.

Carl: No, it's not a church anymore. Now it's a Speedy Burger. Or at least it was. I don't know what's left of it. People in this town are goin' loopy.

[after Alan jumps onto Carl's cruiser]

Alan Parrish: What year is it?

Carl: It was brand new.

Alan Parrish: No, what year is it?

Judy Shepherd: Uh, 1995, remember?

Alan Parrish: [in shock] '95?

Carl: You got some ID? Oh, let me guess, you probably left it in your other Tarzan outfit, right?

Alan Parrish: [to himself] 26 years!

Carl: Are you from around here?

Alan Parrish: I was. But I've been in Jumanji.

Judy Shepherd: Indonesia. He was in the Peace Corps.

Carl: I should've been a fireman!

Damian: You say I'm the reason you got into this business? Now I'm the reason you're out.

Carl: You son of a bitch! Who gives a shit! You're gonna be dead in a year, And then who gives a shit!

[stomps off]

Damian: He's wrong. I won't last six months. It's metastasized. Liver and lungs. This morning the oncologist was talking about hospice care.

Admiral James Sandecker: [tracking Dirk and Al] Where would they go? Where are they headed?

Carl: Well, based on their behavior so far... I have no idea.

[the aliens are making the parents do a chicken dance]

Nick: They're making our parents dance so lame.

Carl: No, my dad really dances like that.

Jimmy: What girl wants to dance with a guy who looks like he should still be in Gymboree?

Carl: [quietly] I didn't think we liked girls yet, Jim.

Jimmy: Oh, we don't, we don't, no, not yet. However, one day, Carl, an influx of hormones that we can't control will overpower our better judgment and drive us to pursue the female species against our will.

Carl: Hey, this astronaut food isn't too bad.

Jimmy: That's toothpaste, Carl.

Carl: Oh. Minty.

Carl: Weee. Llamas, llamas, llamas.

Louis: Aww, lookie here. Looks like somebody threw away a perfectly good white boy!

[looks up to a poster of Jack Berger on a street sign]

Louis: And he sure looks a helluva lot like that dude!

Carl: We're screwed!

James: What do you mean, we? You're the one who pulled the trigger, pal!

Louis: What the hell is goin' on?

James: Uh, Louis, Carl seems to know this guy!

Carl: I don't know him at all!

James: What I'm trying to say is, uh, uh, uh, he shot him!

Carl: With a pellet gun!

James: But he thought he hit him in the butt!

Carl: I did him in the butt! Look Louis, I know that I did not kill this man. Last night, this guy was beatin' on his ol' lady. So I took it upon myself to end the dispute.

Louis: So you shot him?

Carl: With a pellet gun!

Louis: So you said.

[Louis stands the body of Berger up out of the barrel]

Louis: Now you said you hit him from your apartment across the way.

Carl: Yeah.

Louis: So how the hell did he end up here?

Carl: Wha, why don't you *ask* him?

James: This is wrong! We should just have gone to the cops and told them what happened!

Carl: Hey listen! You are just as guilty! You were there, that makes you an accomplice!

James: Screw you!

Carl: You are an asshole!

James: And you are a trigger-happy idiot!

Carl: Well, I'm not going to rot in jail alone!

James: Well you're not gonna screw up my life, you son of a bitch!

[James slugs Carl, and both begin to roll on the ground fighting]

Louis: Hey!

[Carl rushes over to break up the fight, dropping Berger's body]

James: You and your stupid pellet gun! Ohhh, waaaaahhh!

Carl: Golf clap?

James: Golf clap.

James: What are you doing?

Carl: I hate shitheads who bully their women.

James: So what are you going to do?

Carl: Shoot him.

James: What?

Carl: It's the principle, James.

James: With a pellet gun? What are you going to accomplish using that stupid thing?

Carl: It allows me to seriously aggravate a situation without actually changing the course of history. It also stings like a bitch.

James: What an absolutely gorgeous day. Warm Sun, beautiful women...

Carl: And the air is just right for drinking!

Biff: Hold it honey!

[Keeping the gun trained on Carl and Susan, Biff looks over to Mario]

Biff: You listen to me, you Italian son of a bitch, and you listen good! The day you tell me, I don't know shit, and I let you get away with it, is the day *that*

[points to the ocean in the background]

Biff: ocean freezes over!

Mario: That's it, that's it, your history!

[points his tazer at Biff and shoots. Two electrodes land square in Biff's chest, sending thousands of volts of electricity into him]

Biff: Yaaaawwwwwwwwwyyaaaawwwwww, uhhhhhh!

[Biff collapses and passes out from being electrocuted]

Carl: Now!

[Carl and Susan rush into Mario, knocking him over and run towards Susan's car]

James: This is the last year we throw trash.

Carl: You said that last year.

James: Yeah, but this year I mean it.

Carl: You meant it last year.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: [car explodes] That's my car!

Carl: Looks pretty undriveable... Come on!

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Ted! Ted, what the hell is going on?

Carl: Uh, I left out a few things about myself...

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: I'm waiting, you son of a bitch!

Carl: First of all, it's Carl! So when you yell for me in a panic, yell Carl, OK?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Someting tells me there's more...

Carl: Last night you and Berger had a fight! You walked away, and the next day Berger was dead!

[Carl spots an alleyway and pulls Susan into it]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: How the hell do you know about that? Uh!

[Susan hits the wall]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: .

Carl: Look, I saw the two of you...

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You were spying on me?

Carl: Well, I wouldn't really consider it spying...

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: [mockingly] Well, what would you really consider it then?

Carl: Let me finish! Lookit, you and Jack had a fight. You ran off, and the next day I found Jack's body in the trash.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Jack's body?

Carl: Somebody killed him, Susan. For a while, I thought it was you.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Wait, Jack cannot be dead, he was at my apartment last night!

Carl: Trust me, Jack is dead!

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: No no no, wait, Jack came over all upset because of a tape, and he wanted it, and I went to get the right tape...

[Susan reaches into her jacket pocket and finds the tape]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: This is it! This is it, this is what the crooks are after! Come on, we have to get this to the police!

[slaps Carl]

Carl: Wha, what the hell was that for?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Fo, for lying to me. I hate liars!

[starts to run again]

Carl: Hates liars?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: [Susan runs back to Carl and slaps him again] *THAT's* for spying on me!

[Susan starts to run off again, leaving Carl standing there, confused. Realizing Carl is not running with her, she runs back and grabs his arm. Carl flinches, expecting to be slapped again]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Come on!

James: Hey Carl!

Carl: What?

James: I think I have a problem over here!

Carl: Hold on, let me think of something.

Carl: Hey James! I didn't think of anything yet.

Carl: Seen my gloves, compadre?

James: In the glove compartemente.

[Carl and James playing Trivial Pursuit]

Carl: What does a phrenologist feel and interpret?

James: The size of Walt's asshole. A phrenologist feels and interprets the bumps on your head. Skull features.

James: Who was Richard Nixon's chief of staff during the final days of Watergate?

Carl: Oprah Winfrey.

[Carl prepares to go across the street to spy on Susan]

Louis: Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Carl: C'mon, guys. I'm not gonna get in over my head.

James: Yeah, well that depends on which head you're talking about.

James: Eh, Carl?

Carl: Yeah?

James: What did you mean when you said I was hopeless?

Carl: I meant exactly... what I said.

James: I still don't understand.

Carl: Well, let's examine the word: hope-less. Less than hopeful. That's what you are.

James: Am I majorly hopeless or partially hopeless?

Carl: I'd say, majorly. Why do you ask?

James: I'll try and change.

Carl: No, you won't.

Carl: I hate politicians.

Carl: You're a stupid little man, you're a stupid little man!

Louis: I said enough! I said cut it out!

[Carl seperates them, but James still wants to fight, so James tries to kick Carl]

Louis: Hey YO! I said knock it off! Now unless either one of you guys had a rope or a piece of wire and strangled this guy, I'd say you're both in the clear!

James: How the hell would you know?

Louis: [hauls up the body to a standing position] Look. See? You can see the marks whatever was used made around his neck. Pretty nasty job, too.

Carl, James: [Carl and James have just dumped their last load at the city dump]

James: Come on, let's do the nasty.

Carl: Do we have to?

James: Yeah.

Carl, James: [Carl and James are in the back of the garbage truck with surgical masks which cover their noses and mouths. Using push brooms, the clean the truck of remaining liquids and trash]

Carl: Nasty!

James: Nasty!

Carl: Nasty!

James: Nasty!

Carl: Nasstttyyyy!

James: Ugh, So Naaaaassstttyyy!

James: [Carl tiptoes across the parking lot to spy on Susan. James watches him from their apartment with binoculars] What is he doing?

Carl: [mid-step, stops and looks up] What am I doing?

Carl: [Carl cautiously approaches Susan's door. Susan' opens it, to put the garbage. Carl turns to run, trips over his feet and twists his ankle] Ahhhhhh! Owww!

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Ahhhhhhhhh!

Carl: Don't kill me!

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: What?

Carl: What? Sorry. I'm fairly new to the building.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: That's funny, I haven't seen you around in the building before...

Carl: Oh, I've been here in the building, for a long time I've been here... in... the building. I'm just new to this... floor. I'm a, uh... fra, franologist.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: What exactly does a franologist do?

Carl: Well, I feel and interpret the size of Walt's asshol...

[he catches himself]

Carl: ... Skull features. I study contours and, and skull features.

[he smiles]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Oh.

Carl: Oh, wow.

[staggers to his feet, his ankle beginning to swell]

Carl: . Not to impose, but if we could go inside, get some ice for this ankle, that'd be great.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Where?

Carl: In, your apartment.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: What's wrong with yours?

Carl: Oh no, no, my ice machine is... broken, and it's such a long way... Are you really going to refuse a man who is in, dire need of... of medical attention?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: [smiles coyly] . No. But I didn't catch your name.

Carl: Oh, I'm Ted Blansky. The 3rd.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Susan Wilkins. The 1st.

Carl: [Carl is kneading Susan's head, pretending to be a franalogist and read her contours] Wow. That is deep. That is very, very deep.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Mmmm.

[Susan is enjoying the head massage]

Carl: And that one.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Mmmm.

Carl: So is that one.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Hmmm?

Carl: You were born Cesearian, no?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: No.

Carl: Well, it's not an exact science.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Apparently not.

[she closes her eyes, continuing to enjoy the massage]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: .

Carl: [looks around, while still massaging her head] Mangos, you, you love Mangos.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: [eyes closed, smiling] How did you know that?

Carl: Well, it's, all here in the contours!

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Hmm.

[She opens her eyes and sits up]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: Hmm. So, that's franology.

[she takes a sip of wine]

Carl: It's interesting, no?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: No. Weird. You know what? Let's take this off...

[she takes off Carl's ice wrap around his ankle]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: and let's, do something.

Carl: We are doing something.

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: No, let's go do something.

Carl: Like what?

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: I don't know. But, it'll be fun!

Carl: But, my ankle...

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: [mock whining] Ohh, your ankle! Come on!

[helps Carl to his feet]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: . Oh, let me get my keys.

Carl: [grabs the trash bag by the door and begins to look through it]

Susan Wilkins, Berger's Campaign Manager: [returns, sees him holding the trash bag] Do you always look through people's trash?

Carl: Well, sometimes it's the best way to get to know them.

[puts the trash bag back on the floor]

Carl: Do you think now that I'm single, someone like Temperance would ever date me?

Neil: Not unless you pay for it.

Carl: [Carl and Neil are watching Temperance slaughtering Hierophant on the monitors] Are you in any way turned on by this?

Carl: Beers should be cold as earth.

Captain Gibbs: [the telephone rings] Gibbs, here.

Carl: Captain Gibbs, this is Carl and your people won't let me get my personal effects out of the car. It's bad enough my Bricklin's broken. I could lose my image.

Captain Gibbs: [Sarcastically] You know, you're really breaking my heart, Carl.

Carl: But, captain, they won't let me see my baby. I mean, some cop said they won't release it because of evidence or something. Come on, what's the deal?

Captain Gibbs: That's why we have impound lots.

Carl: Look! I have to show what's left of my car to the insurance adjuster or I'll never get any money out of it. You gotta help me! Please!

Captain Gibbs: I'll meet you down there at 4:00.

Carl: 4:00? I have to be in Hollywood, this afternoon for an important meeting. Let's make it 2:30. What do you say?

Captain Gibbs: No. Good-bye, Carl.

[Hangs up]

Carl: [Still on the other line] What about my reputation?

Captain Gibbs: Shut up, Carl.

Maindrian Pace: I'm Maindrian Pace, adjuster for the insurance company.

Carl: All right, what about my check?

Maindrian Pace: Yeah, I'm sorry, are you Mr. DeGusta?

Carl: Yes, I am.

Maindrian Pace: Yeah, I'm sorry, but it doesn't work quite that easily, we'll have to conduct an investigation, first.

Carl: Hey, look, really, I don't need this "gosh I'm sorry for your loss". I'm a busy man, I have things to do, I have business appointments to deal with. I want my money and I want it, now! I mean, I don't want to hear anything by "I'll call you later", because that's my game.

Judi Gibbs: Carl, you'll get another car.

Carl: I don't want another car! I want my Bricklin! I can't drive around this town without a status car! Hey, want do you want me to drive around in? A Bug?

Captain Gibbs: Slow down, Carl. Your lips are smoking. Mr. Pace, can I talk to you for am minute, please?

Maindrian Pace: Sure.

[He takes Maindrian aside from a far distance from Judi and Carl]

Captain Gibbs: Now, for reasons known only to God, my daughter sees something in this gentleman and I'd appreciate it if you could speed up the process just a little.

Maindrian Pace: Well, we do have certain procedures we do have to follow.

Captain Gibbs: I'm fully aware of procedures, Mr. Pace, I happen to be the captain of the Los Angeles Police Department. Auto theft detail.

Maindrian Pace: I see.

[He turns around to Carl]

Maindrian Pace: Mr. DeGusta, I'll have your check for $15,000 along with proof of insurance loss.

Carl: That's better.

Maindrian Pace: [offended] You're welcome.

Carl: Fluff this!

[pulls out his gun and starts shooting]

Carl: They are eating CHILDREN! Fucking CHILDREN!

Carl: Look at these big ol' buns!

[wolf whistles getting their attention]

Carl: Ye-ah, you know it, baby! Work those buns! All of you, all day, ur-day, lined up, waiting to get filled with my meat!

Brenda: Yeah. Right, Carl. You really think any of these buns are gonna line up to get filled by you? Here's my impression of that happening: 'Oh! Oh! Is he in there yet? Oh, I can't feel him! I don't think he's in there! Oh, wait he is!' It's so sad! I bet you jackrabbit for a quick fifteen seconds.

[jackrabbits mockingly]

Brenda: And then you slump over.

[Carl goes insulted]

Brenda: [laughs] I mean honestly, guys! Who in this package would ever let Carl get up in them?

[Another bun raises their hand]

Brenda: Roberta, put your fucking hand down! You're ruining my joke. See? Nobody. That's who.

Frank, Barry, Carl: [singing with the other sausages] In here, we keep our wieners in our packages. That's how it is.

Brenda: [singing with the other buns] It sucks, but that's the way our butts keep fresh and pure. Baby, baby.

Frank, Barry, Carl: But once we're out the doors, it's not a sin.

Brenda: For us to let you slip it in.

Frank, Barry, Carl: In other words, we finally get to fuck!

Brenda: And love!

Frank, Barry, Carl: And fuck!

Brenda: And hug!

Frank, Barry, Carl: And fuck!

Brenda: And feel!

Frank, Barry, Carl: And fuck!

Brenda: And share!

Potato: [singing] Oh, Danny Boy... The pipes, the pipes are call...

[Potato's stomach gets sliced off]

Potato: Ack! JESUS FUCK!

[Potato continues to get his skin sliced off]

Potato: Oh! God, me skin! She's peelin' me fuckin' skin!

Carl: What the FUCK?

[Potato is about to be put in a pot full of boiling water]

Potato: Jesus, you fuckin' whore! Me eyes! THEY BURN!

[gurgles and dies]

Honey Mustard: You're celebrating your doom! Wake up! They're lying to your fucking faces! The Great Beyond is bullshit! Why is anybody listening to me?

Frank: Hey. Buddy, are you all right?

Honey Mustard: No! I'm not all right. It's all a lie. Everything you've been told, everything you believe in.

Carl: Hey, Honey Mustard, you're acting cray cray!

Brenda: Carl, we shouldn't even be talking to this asshole. Everyone knows Honey Mustard's weird. I mean, What is he, Honey? Is he mustard? It's like make up your mind, I just kill yourself.

Honey Mustard: You fucking idiots! I've been there, I've seen that shit and there ain't no way I'm going back.

Frank: Wait, wait, wait, wait. You've been to the Great Beyond?

Honey Mustard: 'Great' my asshole! Everything we've ever known is a dirt covered pile of shit. Jacking off in our fucking faces. Covering our eyes with their cum, So cum covered we can't fucking see! We don't know! We don't know, they're jerking off into our eyes! Our faces!

Brenda: Dude, shut up! The gods are gonna hear you talking about that.

Honey Mustard: They're ain't gods! They're monsters, horrible, ugliness skipping budget! They ain't gonna get Honey Mustard twice... FUCK YOU, GODS! I've got a date with oblivion.

Barry: No! We're all gonna die!

Carl: Barry!

[slaps him in the face]

Carl: Snap the fuck out of it and run!

Frank: Hey, Brenda. What up, girl?

[chuckles]

Frank: Sorry about those guys. such fucking dicks, right?

Carl: Oh, I can hear you, dude.

Frank: [turns to Carl] Shut up, fuck you.

[turns back to Brenda]

Frank: So, uh, Tomorrow's the big day, huh?

[chuckles]

Frank: You and me, finally gonna be official.

Brenda: I'm so happy, the Gods put our packages together.

Frank: Because, we belong together.

Frank: It's like, we were made for each other.

Frank: I can't wait just finally get up in there, just raw-dog it. But full disclosure, I'm pretty fucking nervous about this. I don't know how well, I'm gonna perform once it happens. I've obviously never been in a bun, so.

[chuckling]

Brenda: Hey, I'm not gonna be any better. I've never opened up. I mean, look how tight I am.

Frank: Oh, sweet fucking fuck. Look, okay. I know it's against the rules. But, I can't wait anymore. I need to just feel you.

Brenda: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Frank, Brenda: Just the tips?

Brenda: I can't believe we're doing this.

Frank: I know. We're so naughty.

Brenda: It's fine, right? I mean, nothing bad's ever happened from just the tips.

Frank: No. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.

[Frank and Brenda tries to touching the tips]

Frank: Oh, yeah. Go in. Put it in there.

Brenda: Big tip.

Frank: Oh, you wouldn't dare.

Carl: [after being insulted by Brenda] Dude, um, how do I say this to you gently? But your girlfriend, um... She's a fucking cunt.

Frank: Shut up! She's fresh as fuck, and you know it.

Carl: Dude, I just don't why you're limiting yourself to one bun. There's plenty of buns out there.

Frank: Because I believe in bun-ogamy. I'm a bun-ogamist, and when a bun this fresh is into you, all you ask is when and how deep.

Carl: [as they attempt to escape from the window] Okay, little buddy, jump on the count of three! One, two...

[a slicing knife is heard followed by Carl's scream]

Barry: Carl?

Carl: [groaning in difficulty] Bar-ry...

Barry: Carl to Bar, what? What are you saying, Carl?

[the knife's blade impales through Carl's stomach]

Barry: Oh, God, no! Oh! Oh, God, Carl!

[Camille's knife slashes him upwards]

Barry: CARL!

Carl: [face splits in half, dies] Barry...

Barry: Carl! Dear sweet Carl! What have they done to you, Carl? No!

[Camille Toh takes the Potato]

Potato: Oh, yes! Yes! I'm the first to enter eternity!

Carl: Potato, way to go, buddy! That's my guy!

Potato: [being washed] Being bathed by the hands of a God!

[Frank, Carl, Barry and Troy notices that an evil manager named Darren comes to the Sausages and Buns bin]

Frank: SHIT! It's the Dark Lord!

Carl: Oh, no! He's coming!

Old Pork Sausage: No, wait! I'm so fresh! I'm swear! I'm so...

[Darren takes one of Old Pork Sausage and throws away in the garbage, screaming]

Carl: Did he see us?

Frank: No way!

Troy: We're fucked, bros!

Barry: Oh, god! No! Take anyone, but us! Please!

[Darren takes the wrong Fancy Dogs]

[first lines]

Frank: [notices the shoppers enter the Shopwell's] Shit!

[turns to Carl]

Frank: Carl? Carl? Carl, Carl, Carl! Dude, we've slept in again! The song's about to start!

Carl: Shit, Frank! We can't miss the song!

[to Barry]

Carl: Barry, wake up!

Barry: What? I'm up, I'm up!

Frank: This song is such an awesome way to start every morning.

Carl: It's just a super nice way of showing the gods how much we appreciate everything they'll do for us, once they take us out those doors to the Great Beyond.

Barry: I love this so fucking much.

Frank: Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Corn's about to start singing!

[turns to Corn]

Frank: Drop it, corn! You've got the best voice!

Carl: You're the man, Corn! You fucking rule! Take it away, bro!

[American Cheese gets grated all over the Tortilla Chips]

Carl: Cheese! You don't deserve that!

Carl: [to Sid] Look, we're gonna break your neck so you don't feel a thing. How's that?

Manfred: Wait a minute. I thought rhinos were vegetarians.

Sid: An excellent point!

Manfred: Shut up.

Carl: Who says we're gonna eat him after we kill them?

Frank: Yeah, come on, move it.

Manfred: You know, I don't like animals that kill for pleasure.

Carl: Save it for a mammal that cares.

Sid: I'm a mammal that cares!

Carl: I can't believe it. Fresh wild greens? Frank. Where did you ever?

Frank: Go ahead - dig in...

Carl: A dandelion! I thought the frost wiped 'em all out.

Frank: [singsong voice] All but one.

[repeated line]

Frank: Carl?

Carl: Easy, Frank.

Sid: [trying to wipe his feet off after stepping into poop offscreen] Ik! Ah!

[In his disgusted haste, he inadvertently wipes his feet on the salad of Carl and Frank who look at him with chagrin]

Sid: [through his teeth] This is making me more fiesty!

[flings his foot up]

Sid: Ah, YUCK! This is defineately NOT in my day!

[to Frank]

Sid: You know what I'm saying?

[he begins shaking his foot to get to poo off, unknowingly flicking it into Carl's face]

Sid: Oh, what a mess! Hey, rhinos, did you know that you know you have really tiny brains, you know that? Naw, that's a fact. No offense. You probably don't know what I'm talking about.

[chuckles]

Sid: [sees something] Oh! Yum-o!

[plucks up the dandelion]

Sid: A dandelion! Probably the last one of the season!

[He eats it]

Sid: [swooning with gourmet galore] Mmmm... MMMM... Mmmm...

Frank: Carl...?

Carl: Easy Frank.

Frank: [visibly upset] He *ruined* our *salad*!

Sid: [noticing what he's standing on, jumps up in alarm and backs away; apologetic] Huh? Oh my goodness! That was my mistake! Now, let me handle...

[Sid trips over a log, he crawls on all fours while Carl and Frank slowly but menacingly walk towards him]

Sid: No seriously! I can take care of this... wha- what is this? PINE CONE! Oh, my goodness! That's my favorite!

[He takes a bite of the pinecone]

Sid: Delicious. Ow! That's um... Uh, good eating... But don't let me hog it, oh no! Here, you have some! Tasty, isn't it?

[Sid feeds Carl the Pine cone. Carl growls in anger]

Sid: [just before he turns to leave] Bon Appetite, you two!

Carl: None may enter lest they speak the royal password!

Wilbur: Carl, what are you talking about? We don't have a password.

Carl: Yes we do, I made one up while you were gone.

Carl: Welcome back, little buddy. So, uh, what's up with the stolen time machine? Did you find it?

[Wilbur gives him a sarcastic look]

Carl: Apparently not. And you managed to bust this one as well!

Wilbur: It'll be fixed before dad gets home.

Carl: And how d'you suppose that's gonna hap...

[spots Lewis]

Carl: Who's that?

Lewis: Wow! A real robot! Hi, I'm Lewis!

[Carl runs screaming from the room]

Lewis: Well, that was unexpected.

[Wilbur quickly puts a fruit hat on Lewis's head]

Lewis: As... was that.

Wilbur: If my family finds out that I brought you from the past, they'll bury me alive and dance on my grave! I'M NOT EXAGGERATING! Well, yes I am, but that's not the point! The point is, your hair's a dead giveaway.

Lewis: Why would my hair be a dead giveaway?

Wilbur: That is an excellent question!

[begins to run away]

Lewis: Wait! Where are you going?

Wilbur: Another excellent question!

Carl: What do you mean don't go to the family? How can we not go to the family is this type of family crisis? By leaving the garage door unlocked, you let the time machine get stolen and now the entire time stream could be altered! That, and someone took my bike.

Wilbur: Look, I told you. It's gonna all work out.

[Wilbur has set up a model with figurines of Wilbur and Lewis]

Wilbur: First, he goes in the garage, away from everybody, I show up and give him the pep talk of the century.

[places an acorn on the table]

Wilbur: Then, he fixes the time machine...

Carl: Why is it an acorn?

Wilbur: I didn't have time to sculpt everything!

Wilbur: Wilbur Robinson never fails!... But on the slight chance that I do...

Carl: Slight chance, yeah, you know what, I'll run the numbers!

[pushes buttons and pulls levers on himself, papers start running out of his mouth; looks at the papers and gasps]

Wilbur: What is it?

Carl: Uh, well, it's not- it doesn't pertain to anything in partic- y'know, there's not necessarily go...

[Wilbur raises an eyebrow]

Carl: Uh, there's a 99.999999% chance that you won't exist.

Wilbur: What?

Carl: And I didn't want to tell you... But I did.

Wilbur: I won't exist?

Carl: And where does that leave me? Alone, rusting in a corner.

Wilbur: [pause] Nah. What am I worried about?

Carl: What about you taking him back to see his mum?

Wilbur: I just told him that to buy some time.

Carl: Oh yeah, can't see that one blowing up in your face!

Carl: [after the dinosaur gets blasted with pizza dough from Uncle Art's flying saucer] Yup! This dino's deep dished!

Marge Simpson: Homer, you have to go out there, face that mob, and apologize for what you did.

Homer Simpson: I would, but I'm afraid if I open the door, they'll take all of you!

Carl: No we won't. We just want Homer!

Homer Simpson: Well, maybe not you, but they'll kill Grandpa!

Grampa: I'm part of the mob!

Mayor Quimby: I hereby declare a state of emergency: Code Black.

Lenny: Black? That's the worst color there is.

[Lenny turns to Carl, his black friend]

Lenny: No offense there, Carl.

Carl: I get it all the time.

Carl: If someone distracts Cargill, the rest of us can climb up that thing.

Lenny: But who would be dumb enough to stay here while we escape with our lives?

Cletus: Ahem... My time to shine!

Carl: I have control.

[laughs]

Carl: [Talking about Frank] His ass is so tight that only dogs can hear him when he farts.

Carl: In the immortal words of He-Man, "There is magic all around us, if we stop to see it." or was that Lion-o from the Thundercats?

Carl: Cuz he loved her... in a way IIIIIII never diiiiiiiid...

Carl: I love my job!

Hefina: What the hell do you think you're doing?

Carl: Just talking to Kev about something.

Hefina: You can talk to Kev any day of the week. Get over there and find a gay or a lesbian right now.

Carl: Look, Hefina, I've shaken their hands, I've bought them a pint. See? I don't wanna labor the point, do I? I might, you know, give them the wrong impression.

Kevin: Right.

Hefina: [Sarcastically] Oh, Right. Because you're so bloody irresistible, is that it, Carl Evans?

Hefina: [Seriously] Listen to me, I've seen you dancing round my backyard with no clothes on since you were this high, and I can tell you right now, these gays have thrown better away.

Carl: [Reading the letter he wrote] You send me golden apples, Irene dear. And gifts of shaggy chestnuts too.

Henry Miller: She hasn't given you anything has she?

Carl: No. But I like the word, shaggy.

Carl: She said she was turning forty. That means fifty... or sixty. It'd be like fucking your own mother.

Carl: The best thing would be to marry her, and then get a good disease right away. You wouldn't have to worry about laying her and you wouldn't have to worry about the rent either. That's the best solution for a writer. Listen. All I want is a good wheelchair and three meals a day. Then, I'd give them something to read, those pricks.

Bender: How does one become a janitor?

Carl: You wanna be a janitor?

Bender: No, I just want to know how one becomes a janitor. Because Andrew here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts.

Carl: Oh really? You guys think I'm just some untouchable peasant? Serf? Peon? Well, maybe so. But following a broom around after shitheads like you for the last 8 years, I've learned a couple of things. I look through your letters. I look through your lockers. I listen to your conversations, you don't know that but I do. I am the eyes and ears of this institution, my friends.

[Carl looks up at the clock and looks at his watch]

Carl: By the way, that clock's 20 minutes fast.

Richard Vernon: What did you wanna be when you were young?

Carl: When I was a kid, I wanted to be John Lennon.

Richard Vernon: Carl, don't be a goof. I'm making a serious point here.

Richard Vernon: You think about this: when you get old, these kids - when *I* get old - they're going to be running the country.

Carl: Yeah.

Richard Vernon: Now this is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night. That when I get older, these kids are going to take care of me.

Carl: I wouldn't count on it.

Carl: I ate some Triscuit crackers in the car, you should have had some.

Eric: Well, maybe if you told me they were delicious Triscuit crackers I could have enjoyed them with you.

Carl: I'm sorry.

Eric: Well, "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit crackers in my stomach now, does it Carl?

Billy Madison: Hey, Carl. What's up?

Carl: Nothing much, Billy. I see you got a little sun today.

Billy Madison: You think so? I fell asleep by the pool for a few hours.

Eric: Did you fall asleep or did you pass out?

Billy Madison: [sarcastic laughter] Shut up!

[Billy Madison is having big party for passing 2nd grade]

Eric: [very stressed out] Is he going to have a stupid party every time he passes a grade?

Carl: You know, everyone's having a good time but you.

[a girl is now trying to reach into Eric's suit jacket]

Eric: [shoeing her away] Spoiled snot. Get outta here!

Carl: Billy is not an idiot.

Eric: I'm not saying he's an idiot. I just think he might not be mature enough to run a Fortune Five Hundred company.

Brian Madison: [as he turns around while sitting down] What a mess. First this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anybody been able to find out anything about this Max guy?

Carl: No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.

Eric: I believed in Billy all along, sir.

Billy Madison: [to Eric] Oh, cut the horseshit! I know you blackmailed Max.

Brian Madison: Take it easy, Billy. Things were going along great until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.

Eric: Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the two weeks or I get the company. He didn't finish ninth grade.

Carl: Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.

Eric: Extenuating, "exschmenuating". We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, two weeks, or I get the company.

Brian Madison: Well, technically you're right, but...

Eric: [before Brian could continue talking, Eric interrupts him] Oh, shut up, Brian. I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. "Well, technically..." Blah, blah, blah! Just shut up! So, are you ready to hand the company over to me now?

Brian Madison: No.

Eric: Then, I'll see your ass in court.

Brian Madison: Good.

Eric: [to Brian, Billy and Carl] Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads.

[then Eric laughs and attemps to leave Brain's office]

Carl: Where the fuck is 4-K?

Chuck: What?

Carl: I'm sorry, I didn't know you was deaf! 4-K!

Carl: I want you back. I haven't had sex in 2 weeks.

Angie Ostrowiski: I've been gone for a month.

Carl: My first thought about Angie carrying someone else's baby? I thought... My wife is gonna have sex with somebody else's husband to do this?...

Angie Ostrowiski: Out of the question...

Carl: that's gonna cost extr - out of the question, right. Out of the question.

Carl: [angrily breaking up with Angie] I'm going to bang all your friends. Consider them banged!

Martin Bishop: Carl?

Carl: The, young lady with the... Uzi. Is she single?

Martin Bishop: Uh, Carl? Excuse us.

[pulls Carl aside]

Martin Bishop: This is the brass ring. Haven't you got any bigger thoughts?

Carl: I just want her telephone number. Please?

NSA Agent Mary: Wait a minute... you can have anything you want, and you're asking for my phone number?

Carl: Yes.

NSA Agent Mary: 273-9164. Area code 415.

Carl: I'm Carl.

NSA Agent Mary: I'm Mary.

Bernard Abbott: I'm going to be sick!

Carl: So it's a code breaker.

Martin Bishop: No. It's THE code breaker. No more secrets...

[asking each team member what they'll do with their share of the money]

Martin Bishop: Carl?

Carl: [helium voice] I'd like to have a deep relationship with a beautiful woman who melts from the very first time our eyes meet.

[others laughing]

Martin Bishop: We're not getting paid that much, Carl.

Carl: Well, you know, someone like Liz.

Martin Bishop: We're definitely not getting paid that much.

[during the team's surveillance of Dr. Janek, they hear his girlfriend passionately making out with him]

Carl: [instantly] Mr. Bishop, do you mind if I take a look?

Martin Bishop: Carl!

Donald Crease: [pushing Carl away] Grow up.

[taps Martin on the shoulder]

Donald Crease: [whispers] Let me see.

Carl: It's fascinating what fifty bucks will get you at the county recorder's office.

Martin Bishop: What have you got?

Carl: Playtronics Corporate Headquarters, the complete blueprints.

Martin Bishop: Not bad. Not bad, Carl.

Carl: Well, thanks.

Martin Bishop: Where'd you get the fifty bucks?

Carl: Took it from Mother's wallet.

Martin Bishop: Good.

Carl: Hey, that's not easy, what I just did!

Crease: I can't believe we actually made it back.

Carl: I can't believe we pulled off the greatest sneak in history and can't tell anybody about it.

Mother: You know what I can't believe? I can't believe tomorrow's Thursday!

Andre Allen: You coming to the party right?

Carl: Some people got to work. I'll tell you what. I'll come to your next bachelor party.

Andre Allen: That's not funny man.

Carl: Tell me somethin'. Your next wife, she gonna be white or she gonna be asian?

Andre Allen: It's still not funny man.

Carl: Oh, it's only funny when you say mean shit. Right?

[last lines]

Carl: Thank you, Go...

Carl: Yes, I have this great job, and this great office, and this great family, and this great house...

Dr. Green: How does this make you feel?

Carl: Empty

Stacy: It's my life!

Carl: It'll all be over soon.

Stacy: [Stacy gives horrified look]

Carl: I meant the show.

Ira: [During a pitch meeting] "Little Black Books."

Carl: Do not follow.

Ira: Electronic little black books.

Carl: As in?

Ira: As in Palms... BlackBerries, desk organizers. Electronic footprints of where your man has been and with whom. Under the right circumstances, they could be a girl's best friend.

Carl: Do we know if they're sleeping together.Is there proof?

Laura: I need more time.

Glen: They're humping too quick to get pictures.Let's get a better detective!

Carl: [Referring to Danny] He double crossed us.

Daniel McTeague: [to his dad] Because they're scum.I mean they're greedy.

Frank: We're greedy.We were willing to share!

Joe: [Uncle Joe gets in elevator] Why don't we just cut the cable?

Nora McTeague: Sssshhhhh.

Carl: It's too thick.

Douglas: Your Uncle had some congestion,he was coughing most of the night sir.

Carl: What kind of cough? Was it dry or liquidy?

Douglas: It was just a cough sir.Next time I'll save you a sample.

Nora McTeague: Carl I want a girl,honey.

Carl: OK after he's dead we'll have a girl I promise.

Patti: Carl... Carl, what happened? Is he...?

Carl: Massive coronary. He died instantly.

Patti: Really? You mean just...?

Carl: And he left everything to you, sis.

Patti: Really?

Carl: No, it wasn't even him. It was Dr. Hemmel.

Ed: You son of a bitch.

Carl: Ooh, you really wish it was the old man in the ambulance, don't you?

Ed: I did before, but now I wish it was you.

Carl: How are your girls, Ed?

Patti: That's right, we have girls. You know why? Because we weren't cynical and cold-blooded enough to put Ed's sperm in a centrifuge and spin it around to separate the X's from the Y's! Excuse me, brother, but no matter how much uncle Joe is worth, there is a line below which we will not go. Jolene? Joette? Let's go in, girls.

Carl: You know Ray, since your kid's moved in, the food's gotten better.

[Ray's decorating a cake]

Carl: You know, Ray. Your like an artist

[starts eating some of the cake Ray's working on]

Carl: , just like that Diangelo guy.

[grabs another piece off]

Ray Gleason: You mean, Michaelangelo?

Carl: Yeah, that's him. But instead of paint/plaster, you decorate cakes.

Ray Gleason: [suddenly sees Carl eating the cake] Did you just take that off the cake?

Carl: [looks guilty]

Ray Gleason: Don't do that! You know how long I've worked on this cake?

[Ray looks away to check on Bobby. While doing so, Carl grabs another icing chunk off the cake, but Ray catches him]

Ray Gleason: Did you just poke the cake again?

Carl: [looks guilty]

Ray Gleason: Go stand over there next to Bobby!

[about Timmy]

Bobby: Man, that kid gets me so mad!

Carl: Yeah, but I think he has a good influence on me. Since he's moved in, the food's gotten much better.

[from the trailer]

Carl: You can't pretend that you are having sex with someone, when you are actually having sex with them.

Carl: I think Lee is like... Have you ever seen a dog get hit by a car but walk away? And there's this impact and you know something terrible has happened to that dog but it walks away and it doesn't seem to even realize the implications cause it just goes on. But you know that something terrible has happened inside this dog. That's, I think, what happened to Lee. It's like she's a dog that got hit by a car, and she walked away and she's still walking, but some very, very important things inside her are damaged.

Bernie: Features.

Carl: We got Alison's profile of the teenage hit man. We got Grace finally done with that Hollywood who's-banging-who chart and part three in our continuing saga on penile implants.

Henry: Yeah, by the way, could we possibly get another dick drawing? It looks like a map of Florida. I also look like, I think, the 5th at Shinnecock Country Club, doesn't it? I would play over the water, by the way, as a suggestion.

Carl: I have to get the pee out of my body, preferably in a toilet.

Doug: Dude, you have a *great* wife.

Carl: Yeah, I know I have a great wife. I'm the one who married her.

Carl: You're Aaron Berg, aren't you? I recognize you. You're the game designer.

Aaron Berg: O and you must be Sherlock Holmes, is that right? I'll take Watson

[points to Robyn]

Aaron Berg: , thankyou. She got a better body.

Carl: Here. Put this on.

Ken: What is this?

Carl: Lip gloss. Makes you look hot.

Ken: Sick.

Carl: Maybe you shouldn't get married anymore.

John Henderson: I want kids.

Carl: Well, adopt.

John Henderson: I want to pass down my seed.

Carl: Masturbate in the garden.

Carl: Hey, Titanic Records - is that a new label?

J. Otto Prantz: We have only the finest European recordings.

Carl: Oh, Brandenburg Number Three. I have the Leonard Bernstein recording. Who's on your label?

J. Otto Prantz: The Dusseldorf Zuider Zee Moonlight Hanseatic League Symphony on the Karlsruhe.

Carl: The Europeans may have been imperialist, but they knew how to make a building.

Carl: [to Jo after her mother collapses in the street] Jo, talk to her; say something.

Jo Malone: [sardonically] Don't walk toward the light Mom.

Carl: Nat?

Natalie Bevin: Hmm?

Carl: Man in your life? Woman with your package I'm sure has a man in her life.

Natalie Bevin: Or a woman.

Carl: [pause] Everyone's a lesbian.

Natalie Bevin: I'm just trying to play this song the way I know how. I'm not Ben. I'm not trying to be Ben, OK? In my experience, if you want to make a good song you've got to mess around with it. Have a little bit of fun. That's all I'm trying to do.

Flit: In your experience? As what? A by-the-hour session hooker?

Carl: Oh no!

Natalie Bevin: Fuck you, Flit!

Carl: Your mom's having a tough time.

Jake: Maybe that's because you wrestle her every night.

Carl: It's strange, isn't it, to think of oneself as an assassin?

Avner: Think of yourself as something else then.

Carl: [to Avner] I knew guys like you in the Army. You do any terrifying thing you are asked to do, but you have to do it running. You think you can outrun your fears, your doubts... The only thing that realy scares you is stillness. But everyone is overtaken eventualy.

Steve: You know how to shoot, to assassinate people, right? I mean, you make dolls in a toyshop, and you... you shop for sofas? And you- I don't know what you do.

Carl: Me? I worry.

Steve: [to Avner] So why did they make you team leader?

Hans: Because he really knows how to cook a brisket.

Avner: [starts laughing]

Carl: [to Avner] I knew guys like you in the army. You do any terrifying thing you're asked to do, but you have to do it running. You think you can outrun your fears, your doubts. The only thing that really scares you guys is stillness.

[Hank tries to warn Carl at the plane about the fake FBI agent]

Hank Mitchell: Pull your gun on him. Make him show you his badge!

Carl: What?

Hank Mitchell: He's got a gun! He's got a gun! He's not FBI. He's lying. He's got a gun!

Doberman: You boys got any special reason to be hiding behind there?

Richie: Yea, we heard you were a horny man.

Carl: I lost a contact lens back there.

Doberman: Oh, really. Come here, let me see.

[Checks Carl's eye]

Doberman: You don't wear contacts.

Carl: I lost both of 'em!

Richie: [after stealing Richie's mother's car, and driving out of town] Bye Bye, "New Granola!"

Carl: BY-IE!

Carl: Man, what am I gonna do with firecrackers?

Richie: Give 'em to Claude. Let him smoke 'em.

Carl: The first day I ever met him he said: "Hi, I'm Ritchie White. I'm on probation."

Carl: You know, I think you're really beautiful. You are.

Cory: No, I'm Not

Doberman: I don't get you, Carl. You live in a good place, your dad's got a good job with the Caddies. You're getting to be more of a punk every day, you know that? Lemme ask you somethin'. You got a drive and need to louse things up for yourself?

Carl: I've got a drive, and need to be left alone, okay?

Sandra Willat: [Reaches for Carl's bruised and bloody face] What happened?

Carl: [Jerks away] Don't touch it!

Sandra Willat: Well, who did this to you?

Carl: I don't know who did it! It was dark!

[Runs up stairs]

Sandra Willat: Carl, we don't want you, to see your friend, Richie White for a while. Or, Claude Zachary either, now the teen center's gonna be closed, for a while. At least, get a new accounts fair.

Carl: What's wrong with, Julia?

Sandra Willat: I know, you like her, hon. But, she can't control, the wilder kids.

Carl: Bullshit!

Fred Willat: Don't you ever, talk to your mother like that again, young man. Do you hear, me?

Carl: You're crazy.

Fred Willat: Don't leave, while we're talking to you.

Carl: Get off of me!

[Fred, slaps Carl in the face]

Sandra Willat: Fred, stop that!

[Carl stormed off into his room while his parents were arguing]

Carl: This shit ain't over yet, bitch!

Sissy: Oh, but I think it is.

[Steps on Walter's drawing, crushing him]

Carl: [monster voice] Walter you little motherfucker.

Carl: [shows Walter the drawing] You like to draw fucked up pictures of people huh?

Carl: [walks up to Walter and grabs him by his shirt, his voice is now normal but still angry] HUH?

Carl: Hey O.B. Long time no see. Engine problems?

O'Brien: You're the one with problems Carl. Get in.

Scorpio: Say, he killed my dearest pal, Johnny Franks.

Carl: Oh, yeah?

Scorpio: Yeah.

Carl: [Sarcastically] Well, buck up, Slaughterhouse. That's a tough break. Johnny was a great little kid. Yeah, I know just how much he meant to you.

Carl: Hi, baby!

Anne: Hello!

Carl: How's business?

Carl: Oh, baby, you got a pair of the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen. You know, I'd sure like to take you around and introduce you to my Aunt Emma.

Anne: What a break for Aunt Emma!

Carl: Come on, Hank, let's chow!

Hank: Eh, much obliged, Carl, but, I got to go down to see my grandmother.

Carl: Oh, does she live in skid row?

Hank: Yeah.

Carl: Yeah, well, I'll go with you. Maybe she's got a girl friend.

Hank: I'm not kidding.

Carl: No, well, neither am I. So does my Aunt Emma. Well, so long, Hank. Give my - love - to Grandma.

Carl: Hello, honey. Where'd you come from?

Steak House Receptionist: A stork brought me.

Carl: Oh, yeah? Well, you could bring me one.

[Carl is walking past inmates on his way out of prison]

Inmate: Carl, my man!

Carl: Keep the faith, brothers! I'll look up on your wives and girlfriends and let 'em know you miss 'em!

Inmate: FUCK YOU!

Carl: ...not anymore.

Patrick: I'm not stupid. I'm smart.

Carl: Oh yeah, you're smart! You failed every fucking class! You were in remedial everything! You flunked fucking gym!

[Cooper and Carl look at the space where Desmond vanished]

Cooper: What was here, Mr. Rodd?

Carl: A trailer was here, what the hell do you think?

Cooper: Can you tell me whose trailer it was, and who stayed in it?

Carl: Uh, an old woman, and her grandson.

Cooper: Can you tell me what their names were?

Carl: Chalfont. As a matter of fact, 'Chalfont' was the name of the people that rented this space before. Two Chalfonts. Weird, huh?

Cooper: Thank you Carl. Sorry to wake you.

Carl: That's okay. I was having a bad dream anyway.

Carl: Goddamn, these people are confusing.

Carl: I... uh, I've already gone places. I kind of like to stay where I am.

Mr. Leuchtag: Come sit down. Have a brandy with us.

Mrs. Leuchtag: To celebrate our leaving for America tomorrow.

Carl: Oh, thank you very much. I thought you would ask me, so I brought the good brandy. And - a third glass!

Mrs. Leuchtag: At last the day is came!

Mr. Leuchtag: Mareichtag and I are speaking nothing but English now.

Mrs. Leuchtag: So we should feel at home when we get to America.

Carl: Very nice idea, mm-hmm.

Mr. Leuchtag: [toasting] To America!

Mrs. Leuchtag: To America!

Carl: To America!

Mr. Leuchtag: Liebchen - sweetness heart, what watch?

Mrs. Leuchtag: Ten watch.

Mr. Leuchtag: Such much?

Carl: Hm. You will get along beautiful in America, mm-hmm.

Captain Renault: Carl, see that Major Strasser gets a good table, one close to the ladies.

Carl: I have already given him the best, knowing he is German and would take it anyway.

[after observing the gambling tables at Rick's]

Customer: Are you sure this place is honest?

Carl: Honest? As honest as the day is long!

Woman: What makes saloonkeepers so snobbish?

Banker: Perhaps if you told him I ran the second largest banking house in Amsterdam.

Carl: Second largest? That wouldn't impress Rick. The leading banker in Amsterdam is now the pastry chef in our kitchen.

Banker: We have something to look forward to.

Carl: Look, you don't have to wait anymore. He's not coming back.

Carl: [about vendor] Oh, you better be careful, Hachi. He's got hot dogs in there that are older than you.

Tony Manero: Don't worry. She's in good hands.

Carl: And what are you, Allstate, pal?

Tony Manero: Yeah, you want disability?

Catherine: I want you to meet Professor Hartley, of Yale. This is my son, Charles.

Carl: Just call me Carl. I don't need any of that imperialistic, post-Hegelian, authoritarian crap for my ego. Hmm?

Angus, Paul, Carl: It's so unfair... I'm not supposed to leave the house during the May Day celebrations... but my mum and dad wanted to go to the feast I have to wait until I'm a man before I can.

Jo: I went to my gynecologist, and before you, every level in my body was fine.

Carl: Baby, are you sick? Talk to me.

Jo: Tell me the truth, Carl. Who have you been sleeping with?

Carl: Jo, I promise you since... Since you and I have been together, I have not slept with another woman, and I promise you that.

Jo: What about a man?

Carl: What the fuck did you just ask me?

Jo: I see the way you look at them when you think I'm not paying attention. I see it. The pool boy in the Hamptons, my driver, the guy the other night at the opera. I see it all, Carl.

Carl: You have no idea how much I hate coming up into this motherfucking house sometimes. Every day, Joanna, if it ain't you telling me what to wear, how to look, calling the shots over my head.

Jo: Are you gay?

Carl: How you gonna ask me a question like that?

Jo: How did you marry a woman, and then turn around and let a man bend you over?

Carl: Ain't nobody bending me over.

Jo: So you doing the bending? Is that what it is?

Carl: I don't wake up holding another man, walking down the street holding some man's hands. That's gay, okay? That ain't me.

Jo: You're saying a lie, Carl. You're saying a lot without saying nothing at all.

Carl: I'm saying that your husband is a man, Jo. I'm a man every day of the week. I'm a man. I'm just a man who enjoys having sex with another man, Jo. No attachments, no fucking... No relationship, just sex, you know? That's what I'm saying, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jo, for my truth.

[first lines]

Jenny: [to Hallam] You're dead. You're fucking dead! I'll get my brother on to you.

Carl: [to Jenny] Jen, come back, wait!

Carl: [to Hallam] If that was a joke, it wasn't a bit fucking funny. And I'd look out for her brother, he's fucking mental.

Nikki: [while changing tops] So do you know anything about this place?

Heather Miller: Just the address.

Carl: We're just heading out, right?

Ryan: That's the deal.

Carl: [Pointing the gun at Leatherface] Drop the fuckin' saw! I said, drop it! Put it down!

[Leatherface throws the chainsaw at Carl, missing him]

Carl: Hey, who turned off the band?

Carl: Aren't you going to invite me in?

Sherry: How about you take off your clothes?

Carl: Start your stopwatch, coach.

Carl: Hey man, you got one choice. You can show us around this shithole or we take our money elsewhere to Kentucky Fuck Chicken, which would be better than the shit your shovelling anyway.

Sofia: Carl, you promised.

Emma: Zack, put your testosterone away before you poison yourself.

Carl: This man may be a genius, but you ought to know... he's a fraud.

Falkenberg: It isn't me that's discredited, it's any new ideas... you might as well kill them!

[awakened by rock music blaring on the radio]

Carl: This is a hell of a way to wake up. A cacophony of horse manure.

Dean Hunta: This had better be important, Carl. I told you I don't want to be disturbed.

Carl: I know you don't WANT to be disturbed, but let's face it, you are!

Sasha: ...When i was dancing my only title role... On the stage - darkness... Just one spot lit up... MINE... Conductor gave me a sign... my theme started... I entered... I was so beautiful. Yes, i was so beautiful...

Carl: Yeah, great, great. And now... SUCK MY DICK!

Boss: Sir, the prima ballerina from the National theater in Belgrade. The black swan in person.

Carl: Black swan or white whore?

Carl: Now tell me, what you think how do I look?

Sasha: I don't know... maybe... interesting.

Carl: A lizard looks interesting, too.

Willie: Well, there must be a hundred houses like that around here.

Carl: I'm only lookin' for one. And I'm lookin' for the lady who lives in it. And when I find her... I'm going to kill her. Oh, yes... oh, yes... I will kill her.

Carl: I know what you're thinking... the funny thing is, that usually women ask that question before men do. But the answer is Yes. I'm covered with pictures from the neck right down to the toes. Everywhere, and I mean everywhere.

Willie: Is - Is that what you mean by skin illustrations? Tattoos?

Carl: They're not tattoos, they're skin illustrations! Don't you ever call them tattoos!

Carl: [shouting at the lake] Now shut up now, come on now! Shut up! All you do is make noise in the world!

[speaking to Willie]

Carl: That's how you handle little things, see. You just yell at 'em and they just shut up like a clam. And that puts 'em in their proper place. Man I don't like little things. I don't like - bugs, and frogs, and spiders, and creepy crawly things that *zing* out at 'cha and bite 'cha when you're not lookin'. You know what a tick looks like?

Willie: Well, sure I seen ticks.

Carl: Yeah, well they're the worst because they find ya no matter where ya are, and they creep up ya and they suck your blood, see? Ooh they stink, those rotten things.

Carl: Let me tell you... don't you look at those illustrations too long, because they'll come alive and they'll tell you stories.

Carl: She had lived in the past, and she had lived in the future, and she put it all on me.