Captain Stillman Quotes in Stripes (1981)

[after stumbling on the sidewalk]

Captain Stillman: Have that removed.

Captain Stillman: Well, explain yourselves.

Dewey Oxburger: Well sir, we were going to this bingo parlor at the YMCA, well one thing led to another, and the instructions got all fouled up...

Captain Stillman: Shut up.

Dewey Oxburger: Okay, Sir.

Captain Stillman: You men are a *disgrace*. Maybe a few days in the stockade will help you change your rotten attitudes.

Cruiser: But, um, we're supposed to graduate tomorrow, sir.

Captain Stillman: That's even better. Tomorrow, you'll be on parade in front of General Barnicke. And when he sees what total fuck-ups you are, I will recommend that your whole platoon repeat the entire course of basic training.

Captain Stillman: [spying on female soldiers taking showers] I wish I was a loofah.

Captain Stillman: Where the fuck's my truck? Where - ? *Where's* *my* *truck*? Hey, where's the EM-50?

Soldier Outside Motor Pool: A couple of soldiers took it to get it washed sir.

Captain Stillman: All right, soldier, let's see how you fire that mortar.

Soldier with Mortar: What coordinates, sir?

Captain Stillman: [annoyed] Coordinates?

Soldier with Mortar: Yes, sir, they determine where the mortar's...

Captain Stillman: Soldier, the army has spent a lot of money teaching you to fire that thing. Now set it and fire it.

Soldier with Mortar: Sir, we don't know where the shell's gonna...

Captain Stillman: Soldier. The only way to learn anything is to do it. Now fire the weapon.

Col. Glass: [menacingly] You screw this up, Stillman... and I'll have you assigned to a weather station above the Artic Circle! You got that?

Captain Stillman: [contrite] Yes, sir... thank you, sir.

Col. Glass: Good.

[turns and leaves]

Corporal, Stillman's aide: [Stillman is in his office, using a telescope to spy out his window and into the women's shower... Glass and the corporal walk in] Excuse me, C-C-Captain...

Captain Stillman: [angry] When I don't want to be disturbed...

Col. Glass: [interrupting] STILLMAN!

Captain Stillman: [breaks the window and sends the telescope through it, then turns around and stands at attention] Yes, sir!

Corporal, Stillman's aide: Colonel Glass to see you, sir.

Captain Stillman: I can see that, Corporal! Dismissed.

[to Glass]

Captain Stillman: Oh, it's a pleasure to see you, sir!

Col. Glass: Let's skip the bullshit, Captain. I have a problem, and I need your help. Are you familiar with the EM-50 project we have in Italy?

Captain Stillman: Yes... it's a tank... or something.

Col. Glass: [impatiently] It's an Urban Assault Vehicle!