Captain of Guards Quotes in Shrek (2001)

Captain of Guards: [as Donkey flies through the air on pixie dust] He can talk!

Donkey: That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking donkey! You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkeyfly! Ha, ha!

[pixie dust wears off]

Donkey: Uh-oh!

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy!

[nose grows]

Captain of Guards: Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Captain of Guards: [to Shrek, after finding him and Donkey in the woods] You there! Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

Captain of Guards: [to both Shrek and Donkey] By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement - facility.

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army?

[the Captain looks behind him and notices that his soldiers have run away, leaving their spears behind. He does the same]

[a squad of archers aim at Shrek]

Captain of Guards: Shall I give the order, my Lord?

Lord Farquaad: No. I have a better idea...

Captain of Guards: [snaps a witch's broomstick in half] Your flying days are over!

Captain of Guards: What have you got?

Old Woman: Well, I have a talking donkey.

Captain of Guards: Really? Well, that's good for ten shillings... if you can prove it.

Old Woman: Go ahead, little fella.

[Donkey says nothing]

Captain of Guards: Well?

Old Woman: He's just a little nervous. He's really quite the chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

Captain of Guards: That's it, I've heard enough. Guards?

Old Woman: No, no! He talks. He does...

[moves Donkey's mouth while trying to throw her voice]

Old Woman: I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.

Captain of Guards: Get her out of my sight!