Captain Hadley Quotes in The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
Captain Hadley Quotes:
Warden Samuel Norton: [to new inmates, after explaining the prison routine] Any questions?
Prisoner: When do we eat?
Captain Hadley: [Approaches prisoner] You eat when we say you eat. You piss when we say you piss, and you shit when we say you shit. You got that, you maggot dick motherfucker?
Captain Hadley: Dufresne!
Captain Hadley: That's him. That's the one.
Guard Dekins: I'm Dekins. I was thinking about setting up some kind of trust fund for my kids' educations.
Andy Dufresne: Oh, I see. Well, why don't we have a seat and talk it over. Brooks, do you have a piece of paper and a pencil? Thanks. So, Mr. Dekins...
Brooks: [at lunchtime to the other prisoners] And then Andy says, "Mr. Dekins, do you want your sons to go to Harvard... or Yale?"
Floyd: He didn't say that!
Brooks: God is my witness! Dekins just looked at him a second and then he laughed himself silly and afterwards he actually shook Andy's hand.
Heywood: My ass.
Brooks: Shook his hand! I near soiled myself, I mean all Andy needed was a suit and a tie and a little jiggly hula gal on his desk and he woulda been *Mister* Dufresne, if you please.
Red: Making a few friends, huh Andy?
Andy Dufresne: I wouldn't say friends. I'm a convicted murderer who provides sound financial planning - it's a wonderful pet to have.
Captain Hadley: What is your malfunction, you fat barrel of monkey spunk?
Captain Hadley: What the Christ is this happy horseshit?
Prisoner: Hey, he took the Lord's name in vain! I'm tellin' the warden!
Captain Hadley: You'll be tellin' the warden about my baton up your ass!
Captain Hadley: If I hear so much as a mouse fart in here the rest of the night I swear by God and sonny Jesus you will all visit the infirmary. Every last motherfucker in here.
Captain Hadley: Uncle Sam. Reaching into your shirt and squeezing your tit till it's purple.
Red: [narrating] And that's how it came to pass that on the second-to-last day of the job, the convict crew that tarred the plate factory roof in the spring of forty-nine wound up sitting in a row at ten o'clock in the morning drinking icy cold, Bohemia-style beer, courtesy of the hardest screw that ever walked a turn at Shawshank State Prison.
Captain Hadley: Drink up while it's cold, ladies.
Red: [narrating] The colossal prick even managed to sound magnanimous.
Warden Samuel Norton: [as Mozart music is playing on the phonograph, the Warden comes to bang on the door] Open the door. Open it up! Dufresne, open this door! Turn that off!
[Andy acts like he is going to do as he says]
Warden Samuel Norton: I am warning you Dufresne, TURN THAT OFF!
[Andy turns up the volume instead, so Hadley comes to the door]
Captain Hadley: Dufresne...
[taps on the door with the club]
Captain Hadley: ... come on down.
[Andy does nothing, so Hadley smashes the screen on the door, unlocks it, and comes in the room]
Red: [narrating] Andy got two weeks in the hole for that little stunt.
Captain Hadley: [turns off the phonograph] On your feet.
Captain Hadley: So this big shot lawyer calls me long distance from Texas. I say "Yeah?" He says, "Sorry to inform you, but your brother just died."
Guard Mert: Oh damn, Byron, I'm sorry to hear that.
Captain Hadley: I'm not, he was an asshole. Ran off years ago. Figured him dead for anyway. So anyway this lawyer fellow says to me: "Your brother died a rich man." Oil wells and shit. Close to a million bucks.
[$9,670,083 in 2014 dollars]
Guard Mert: A million bucks?
Captain Hadley: Yeah, fuckin' incredible how lucky some assholes get.
Guard Mert: Gees louise, you gonna see any of that?
Captain Hadley: Thirty-five thousand.
[$338,453 in 2014]
Captain Hadley: That's what he left me.
Guard Mert: Holy shit, that's great! That's like winning the sweepstakes.
[Hadley gives him a look]
Guard Mert: Isn't it?
Captain Hadley: Dumb shit, what do you think the government's gonna do to me? Take a big wet bite out of my ass is what.
Andy Dufresne: Mr. Hadley, do you trust your wife?
Captain Hadley: Oh that's funny. You're gonna look funnier sucking my dick with no teeth.
Andy Dufresne: What I mean is, do you think she'd go behind your back and try to hamstring you?
Captain Hadley: That's it. Step aside Mert, this fucker's having himself an accident.
[grabs Dufresne and pushes him near the edge of the roof]
Heywood: He's gonna push him off the roof!
Andy Dufresne: Because if you do trust her, there's no reason you can't keep that $35,000!
Captain Hadley: What did you say?
Andy Dufresne: $35,000.
Captain Hadley: $35,000?
Andy Dufresne: All of it.
Captain Hadley: All of it?
Andy Dufresne: Every penny.
Captain Hadley: You better start making sense.
Andy Dufresne: If you want to keep all of that money, give it to your wife. The IRS allows a one-time-only gift to your spouse for up to $60,000.
Captain Hadley: Bullshit! Tax free?
Andy Dufresne: Tax free. IRS can't touch one cent.
Captain Hadley: You're that smart banker who killed his wife, aren't you? Why should I believe a smart banker like you? So I can end up in here with you?
Andy Dufresne: It's perfectly legal, go ask the IRS, they'll say the same thing. I actually feel stupid telling you this, I'm sure you would've investigated the matter yourself.
Captain Hadley: Yeah, fucking A'! I don't need a smart wife-killing banker to tell me where the bear shit in the buckwheat!
Andy Dufresne: Of course not. But you do need someone to set up the tax-free gift for you, and that'll cost you. A lawyer for example.
Captain Hadley: Bunch of ball-washing bastards!
Andy Dufresne: Right. I suppose I could set it up for you. That would save you some money. If you get the forms I'll prepare them for you, nearly free of charge. I'd only ask three beers apiece for each of my co-workers.
Guard Mert: Ha! "Co-workers", get him that's rich ain't it?
Andy Dufresne: I think a man working outdoors feels more like a man if he can have a bottle of suds. That's only my opinion, sir.
Captain Hadley: [looks over at the rest of Andy's co-workers] What are you Jimmies staring at? Back to work!
Red: [after lights out and the guards walk out of the main area]
Red: I remember my first night, seems like a long time ago.
Prisoner: Yoo-hoo. Big fish. Fish, fish, fish, fishie?
[the others start talking quietly, trying to taunt the newcomers]
Another Prisoner: Poke your ass out here! Give me a first look!
Another Prisoner: Shhh. Keep it down.
Red: [Narrating] The boys always go fishing with first-timers, and they don't stop until they reel one in.
Heywood: [Quietly] Hey, fat ass. Fat ass. Talk to me boy.
[Cut to a shot of him quietly sobbing]
Heywood: I know you're there. I can hear you breathing. Now, don't you listen to these nit-wits, ya hear me? This place ain't so bad. Tell you what. I'll introduce you around. Make you feel right at home. I know a couple of big bull queers that would just love to make your acquaintance, especially that big white mushy butt of yours.
Fat Ass: [Cracks] God! I don't belong here!
Inmates: We have a winner! It's the fat guy!
Fat Ass: I wanna go home!
Heywood: [Announcing] And it's fat ass by a nose!
[Starts the chant]
Heywood: Fresh fish! Fresh fish!
Inmates: [Chant and clap] Fresh fish! Fresh fish! Fresh fish!
Fat Ass: [Comes up to the bars] I don't belong here! I wanna go home! I want my momma!
Prisoner: I had your mother! She wasn't that great!
Captain Hadley: [Storms in with his guys] What the Christ is this happy horse shit?
Another Prisoner: [as everyone quiets down] He took the Lord's name in vain. I'm telling the warden.
Captain Hadley: You'll be telling him about my baton up your ass!
Fat Ass: [as Hadley comes up to his cell] You gotta let me out! You gotta!
Captain Hadley: What is your major malfunction, you fat barrel of monkey spunk?
Fat Ass: Please! I ain't supposed to be here! Not me!
Captain Hadley: [Not one ounce of sympathy] I ain't going to count to three! I'm not even going to count to one! You will shut the FUCK up, or I'll sing you a lullaby!
Heywood: [Under his breath] Shut up, man. Shut up.
Fat Ass: [Crying and pleading] Please! There's been a mistake! You don't understand! I'm not supposed to be here!
Captain Hadley: [to his men] Open that cell!
Prisoner: Me neither! You people run this place like a fuckin prison!
Captain Hadley: [Once his cell door is open, he drags him out and beats him severely in the torso and head with his baton, then knocks him out with one last kick to his head]
[to the rest of the inmates]
Captain Hadley: If I hear so much as a mouse fart in here the rest of the night, I swear by God and sonny Jesus you will all visit the infirmary! Every last motherfucker in here!
[Quietly to his men]
Captain Hadley: Call the trustees to take that tub of shit down to the infirmary.
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