Captain Quotes in 300 (2006)

King Leonidas: This is where we hold them.

[pause]

King Leonidas: This is where we fight!

[pause]

King Leonidas: And this is where THEY DIE!

Captain: On these shield, boys!

Spartans: AU!

King Leonidas: Remember this day, men, for it will be yours for all time!

Persian General: [the Persian general advances from the crowd of the Persian warriors on horseback] SPARTANS! Lay down your weapons!

[pause]

King Leonidas: [one of the Spartan men throws a spear directly at the Persian general, killing him; he falls from his horse dead] PERSIANS!

[the Spartans get into their shielding position]

King Leonidas: COME AND GET THEM!

Captain: [the angry Persian soldiers start charging towards the Spartans] HOLD!

King Leonidas: Give them NOTHING! But take from them EVERYTHING!

Captain: STAY READY!

King Leonidas: [on being told the Persians are coming to parley] Captain, I leave you in charge.

Captain: But, sire...

King Leonidas: Relax, old friend. If they assassinate me, all of Sparta goes to war. Pray they're that stupid. Pray we're that lucky.

[He takes another bite of apple, as the Captain notices a Persian soldier, still alive]

King Leonidas: Besides, there's no reason we can't be civil, is there?

Captain: [stabs the Persian] None, sire.

King Leonidas: This is where we hold them! This is where we fight! This is where they die!

Captain: Earn these shields, boys!

[Spartans cheer]

King Leonidas: Remember this day, men, for it will be yours for all time.

Captain: [Battling the Persians] NO PRISONERS!

King Leonidas: [Stabbing a Persian soldier] NO MERCY!

King Leonidas: My heart is broken for your loss.

Captain: Heart? I have filled my heart with hate.

King Leonidas: Good.

Captain: They look thirsty!

King Leonidas: Well, let's give them something to drink! To the cliffs!

[first lines]

Captain: How are we doing, Richard?

RAF Officer: We should pass over the English coast 15 minutes ahead of time, sir.

Captain: Wow! With this load on our back, that's good going.

RAF Officer: Just trust the RAF, sir.

Castillo: [from the Funny Version] Come closer, Captain. I cannot see your face.

[pause]

Castillo: Are you afraid, Captain?

[Captain takes one step closer to Castillo; annoyed]

Castillo: Jesus... closer.

[Captain gets closer]

Castillo: A bit closer... good. Now, where is my cappuccino?

Captain: We have no more foam, father.

Castillo: [Enraged] No... more... FOAM? You know what I am like without the foam! I have waited 10 years for this cappuccino! I get really angry without sex and a cappuccino with some foam. I'm getting another captain.

[chokes the Captain to death]

Castillo: Do you know why I was banished from Spain?

Captain: Your experiments are not of God.

Castillo: God? What has God done for you? Or for me? Nothing. There is no God... there is only me.

Captain: May He have mercy on your soul.

[Goes to leave, but then gets choked to death by Castillo]

Adm. Tachinaba: I had been very proud, up to this moment, that I had never seen any real combat in my life.

Captain: You felt that way too?

Adm. Tachinaba: I think everyone feels that way.

[Vic Rossiter mis-pronounces the word "lieutenant" while posing as an officer in the Royal Navy]

Captain: [puzzled, and then smiles] You're *Canadian*, aren't you?

Vic Rossiter: [pleased] Why, *yes*! I'm surprised you could still tell- I've been with the Royal Navy for almost 4 years, now.

Captain: [Last lines whie watching the arriving and departing submarines] One goes in, another one goes out, just like running a ruddy bus service.

Captain: As a cop all I have to do is live by the rules of the law. What's right and what's wrong is all I need to know, and that's much easier than trying to figure out what's good and what's bad.

[last lines]

Arthur Lestrange: Are they dead?

Captain: No sir. They're asleep.

Aragorn: [to the corsair ships] You may go no further! You will not enter Gondor.

Captain: Who are you to deny us passage?

Aragorn: Legolas, fire a warning shot past the bosun's ear.

Gimli: Mind your aim!

[Legolas aims; Gimli knocks the bow as he shoots and the arrow kills the bosun]

Gimli: Oh! That's it, right! We warned you! Prepare to be boarded!

[the corsairs laugh]

Captain: Boarded! By you and whose army?

Aragorn: *This* army.

[the army of the dead charges through him and onto the ships]

Captain: [Standing in front of a hologram of the plant from EVE's camera] Haha! Look what I got, AUTO!

AUTO: Not possible.

Captain: [chuckles] That's right, the plant. Oh, you want it? Come and get it, blinky.

Ship's Computer: Voice confirmation required.

Captain: Uhhh...

Ship's Computer: [after the "uhh" echoes] Accepted.

AUTO: [Auto has just shown the Captain directive A-113, which is a message not to return to Earth due to rising toxicity levels making life unsustainable] Now, the plant.

Captain: No wait a minute, Computer when was the message sent out to the Axiom?

Ship's Computer: Message received in the year 2110.

Captain: That's... That's nearly 700 years ago! Auto, things have changed. We've gotta go back.

AUTO: Sir, orders are do not return to Earth.

Captain: But life is sustainable now. Look at this plant. Green and growing. It's living proof he was wrong.

AUTO: Irrelevant, Captain.

Captain: What? It's completely relevant.

[moves toward the window]

Captain: Out there is our home. *HOME*, Auto. And it's in trouble. I can't just sit here and-and-do nothing.

[moves back toward Auto]

Captain: That's all I've ever done! That's all anyone on this blasted ship has ever done. Nothing!

AUTO: On the Axiom, you will survive.

Captain: I don't want to survive. I want to live.

AUTO: Must follow my directive.

Captain: [groans in frustration, then turns around and notices that Auto is looming closer in the portraits of his predecessors. AUTO looms close behind him making him tighten his cap] I'm the captain of the Axiom. We are going home *today*.

[Auto advances toward him threateningly, causing the Captain to flinch]

[last lines]

Captain: This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all kinds of plants! Vegetable plants, pizza plants.

[laughs]

Captain: Oh, it's good to be home!

Captain: We'll see who's powerless now!

Captain: 12:30? AUTO, why didn't you wake me for morning announcements? Honestly, it's the one thing I get to do on this ship.

[Resets the ship back to morning]

Captain: Well, good morning, everybody, and welcome to day 255,642 aboard the Axiom. As always, the weather is a balmy 72 degrees and sunny, and, uh... Oh, I see the ship's log is showing that today is the 700th anniversary of our five year cruise. Well, I'm sure our forefathers would be proud to know that 700 years later we'd be... doing the exact same thing they were doing. So, be sure next mealtime to ask for your free sep-tua-centennial cupcake in a cup. Wow, look at that.

Captain: Define "hoe-down".

Ship's Computer: Hoe-down: A social gathering at which lively dancing would take place.

Captain: [AUTO appears near the captain] AUTO! Earth is amazing! These are called "farms". Humans would put seeds in the ground, pour water on them, and they grow food - like, pizza!

AUTO: [shuts off information display] Good night, Captain.

Captain: Aww!

[starts to move away from workstation, but stops and turns around slightly]

Captain: Psst - Computer, define "dancing".

Ship's Computer: [WALL-E and EVE are seen outside a window in space, flying around] Dancing: A series of movements involving two partners, where speed and rhythm match harmoniously with music.

[camera cuts to outside the Axiom, and WALL-E and EVE continue to "dance"]

Captain: Wait, that doesn't look like Earth. Where's the blue sky? Where's the-the grass?

Captain: AUTO, you are relieved of duty!

[strains up and switches AUTO to "manual"]

AUTO: Nooooooooo.

Captain: Computer, define 'dancing.'

Shelby Forthright, BnL CEO: [Shelby appears onscreen in an old classified recorded message] Hey there, autopilots. Got some bad news. Um... Operation Cleanup has, well uh, failed. Wouldn't you know, rising toxicity levels have made life unsustainable on Earth.

Captain: [to himself, looking at healthy plant] Unsustainable? What?

Shelby Forthright, BnL CEO: Darn it all, we're gonna have to cancel Operation Recolonize. So uh, just stay the course, um... Rather than try and fix this problem, it'll just be easier for everyone to remain in space.

Captain: "Easier"?

Shelby's advisor: Mr. President, sir. Sir! Time to go.

Shelby Forthright, BnL CEO: [overlapping] Uh, I think - huh? Okay, I'm giving override, uh, Directive A113. Go to full autopilot. Take control of everything, and do not return to Earth. I repeat, do not return to Earth.

[puts on his gas mask and starts to leave]

Shelby Forthright, BnL CEO: Let's get the heck outta here.

Captain: [Auto has confined him to his quarters] Stupid wheel!

Lt. Werner: Captain?

Captain: I'm sorry.

Lt. Werner: You think it's hopeless now?

Captain: It's been 15 hours. He'll never do it. I'm sorry.

Lt. Werner: They made us all train for this day. "To be fearless and proud and alone. To need no one, just sacrifice. All for the Fatherland." Oh God, all just empty words. It's not the way they said it was, is it? I just want someone to be with. The only thing I feel is afraid.

Captain: They won't catch us this time! Not this time! They haven't spotted us! No, they're all snoring in their bunks! Or, you know what? They're drinking at the bar, celebrating our sinking! Not yet, my friends. Not yet!

[Werner takes pictures of the watch officers on the conning tower]

Captain: Take pictures of the crew returning, not putting out to sea.

Lt. Werner: Why?

Captain: They'll have grown beards by then. It would shame the Tommies to see mere boys give them Hell. Baby faces. Ones that should still suck mama's breast.

[pause]

Captain: I feel ancient around these kids, like I'm on some Children's Crusade.

Johann: Captain, I wish to apologize.

Captain: You can't just apologize, Johann. You left your battle station at a critical moment. Also, you disobeyed my command.

Johann: Will I be court-martialed?

Captain: How many patrols have you done?

Johann: It's my ninth.

Captain: Why you?

Johann: It was a mistake. I didn't... It was... It... All of a sudden... As if... It won't ever happen again, sir. You can depend on it. I swear.

Captain: It's all right, Johann.

Johann: No court-martial?

Captain: [nods] Get some sleep.

[Johann exits. The Captain adds "Decision, return to La Rochelle" to the log book]

Captain: Okay, men, now listen. We're going to blow out the water now and see if we can get our rear ends out of the sand. If we make it to the surface, things could still get pretty rough. Traffic's heavy up there. And we have to pray the engines start, so we can get out of this mess. The condition the boat is in, we have got to head straight for La Rochelle. If we make it... it's half a bottle of beer for each! There is one thing on our side; they won't be expecting us. Well men, all set?

The Crew: [in unison] Jawohl, Herr Kaleun!

Captain: ALARM!

Captain: April fool. Practice makes perfect.

Heinrich: Noooo! Second contact closing fast, bearing 076!

Captain: Damn them! Another one!

Captain: Phillip, the old bunch is gone. Look at these new heroes. All wind and smoke. Just big mouths.

Thomsen: Yeah, yeah. They keep together, balls in hand. And the belief in our Führer in their eyes.

Captain: They will know in time.

Captain: I'm sorry.

Lt. Werner: Is it hopeless?

Captain: It's been 15 hours. He's not going to pull it off. I'm sorry.

Lt. Werner: I asked for it. 'To be heading into the inexorable... where no mother will care for us... no woman crosses our path... where only reality reigns... with cruelty and grandeur.' I was drunk with those words. Well, this is reality.

Captain: Our patrol planes! Where are they? Answer that one, Herr Goering! The British have plenty of them! Talking big is all he's good for, that fat slob.

[the Captain and Lieutenant Werner escort Thomsen out of the men's room]

Capt. Lt. Philipp Thomsen: I... really wanted to screw my brains out. But now, I am in no condition to fuck!

Captain: It's alright!

Capt. Lt. Philipp Thomsen: Sieg Heil!

Captain: You have to have good men. Good men, all of them.

Captain: [looking at one of the LI's pictures] Funny. I haven't seen snow in years.

Captain: Not bad in here, is it? No mail, no telephone. Solid wood paneling. Well-ventilated boat. Free food, too. "Rolling in clover" we are.

Der Leitende: ...Like fresh horse-droppings. They're "Rolling in clover" as well. They have no need to make a living. They're even allowed to smoke.

Captain: Not yet, Kameraden! Not yet!

Captain: [entering the bar with Werner and the LI] Merkel's boys. They ship out tomorrow, too. Scared fuckers. They need sex as much as the infantry needs alcohol.

Captain: [over PA] Now hear this. We're in pursuit of a convoy being tracked by U-32. Expect contact at 1800 hours. That is all.

[the crew cheers]

Schwalle: We'll finally be able to get rid of these beauties! They're all ready for blast-off!

[U-96 is heading towards a nearby convoy contact]

Captain: [to Werner] More than 30 freighters! Berthold better not attack now. It's best to stay close and wait until the other boats arrive. For me, there is nothing finer than a submarine... and sailboats. There are no lines more beautiful than that of a sailboat. I sailed on a three-masted schooner once. Wonderful ship. Roomy. It had holds as big as churches!

[the Captain and Werner laugh]

[the sounds of torpedoes detonating and sinking ships has subsided]

Captain: Now it's their turn.

Captain: Do you have a sense of romantic?

Lt. Werner: Excuse me?

Captain: There, the empty house next to the warehouse. is that for you?

Lt. Werner: Not that I would know, isn't that area out of bounds?

Captain: Oh yes.

Captain: [Captain looks at the birds overhead] Damn beasts!

[Discovers the watchman's yawning]

Captain: Nay Nay Nay

The Crew: Excuse me, Captain.

Captain: If you can't handle it, don't do it.

[pause]

Captain: Were you part of it? Fireboat drill?

The Crew: [hesitate] Yes, captain.

Captain: [Smile] At least you can aim.

Colonel: [decoding the Twilight Bark] One long howl... two short... one yip and a woof.

Seargent Tibs: Two yips, sir.

Captain: What's the word, Colonel?

Colonel: It's from London.

Seargent Tibs: Then it must be important!

Colonel: Yes, yes, well I'll get the rest of it.

[barks, listens]

Colonel: Sounds like a number! Three fives are thirteen...

Seargent Tibs: Uh, that's fifteen, sir.

Colonel: Fifteen, of course fifteen!

[listens again]

Colonel: Yes, dot, spot, spotted puddings... poodles... no, puddles.

Captain: [confused] Puddles, sir?

Colonel: Fifteen spotted puddles stolen? Oh, balderdash!

[the Colonel and Seargent Tibs are still waiting for Pongo and Perdita]

Captain: Any news, Colonel?

Colonel: No. Not a blasted thing. They're lost or captured, or something or other. Who knows what?

Seargent Tibs: Colonel, here comes a car!

Colonel: Oh, come now, Tibs! Don't be ridiculous! They wouldn't be driving.

Captain: What on earth are you doing?

Alex Rover: I'm just having a nervous breakdown!

Captain: I am Dave Ming Chang.

No. 3 - Cultural Officer: I am Dave Ming Chang.

Various crew members: I am Dave Ming Chang.

[etc]

No. 4 - Security Officer: And I am Johnny Dazzle!

[everyone stares at him.]

No. 4 - Security Officer: What? Not everyone has to be Dave Ming Chang.

[in an alley outside Gina's apartment sometime after she hits Dave with her car]

Gina Morrison: Hi, are you all right? Because you just ran off!

Captain: Contact, everyone! Our first verbal encounter!

[into microphone]

Captain: Thank you for your concern.

Dave: [speaks with extremely high pitch; bottles explode in background]

Captain: It's way too high! More bass!

Dave: [speaks in extremely low pitch]

Captain: Level the frequency!

Dave: [speaking perfectly] I'm all better now.

Josh: [to Gina] How hard did you hit this guy?

Captain: Lieutenant Bottoms, what is your status?

Lieutenant Bottoms: Captain, we had a small gas leak. It was silent, but not deadly.

Gina Morrison: I'm Gina, by the way. Gina Morrison.

[pauses, waiting for him to tell her his name.]

Gina Morrison: And you are?

Captain: 3?

No. 3 - Cultural Officer: This is a list of the most common names on this planet.

Captain: My name is...

Dave: Ming Chang.

Gina Morrison: Ming Chang?

[laughs]

Gina Morrison: Sorry, sorry, you just struck me more like a "Dave" or something.

Dave: Which happens to be my other name.

Gina Morrison: Dave...Ming Chang?

Dave: Dave Ming Chang.

Captain: Number 3, do we have significant linguistic information to communicate with these natives?

No. 3 - Cultural Officer: Yes, I tapped into their central planetary database named "Google."

Captain: What a frivolous name for such a vital function.

No. 3 - Cultural Officer: Well, if you prefer, there's another called "Ya Hoo."

Captain: Baffling!

Gina Morrison: So, where are you from? Do you live around here?

Dave: Yes, of course. I am just a regular person from right here on Earth, just like you. I just don't get out that much.

Gina Morrison: Yeah, judging from your suit, I'd say since about 1978.

[laughs]

Captain: Note: all-white apparel is not as standardized as we thought.

Gina Morrison: [laughing] You late for a Bee Gees concert or something?

Dave: Bee Gees. Barry, Robin and Maurice. The brothers Gibb. Winning ten Grammy Awards and selling over 100 million records.

Dave: [high-pitched, fast singing] Well, you can tell by the way I can use my walk / I'm a woman's man, no time to talk / Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Stayin' Alive / Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[they finish watching "It's a Wonderful Life."]

Captain: [crying] "Lasso the moon". Physically impossible!

No. 3 - Cultural Officer: [crying] Absurd.

[Dave is dancing with Gina]

No. 2 - 2nd In Command: Sir, we already have the orb. There's no need to continue this charade.

Captain: Not now, Number 2! I'm trying to let the music take me!

[last lines]

No. 3 - Cultural Officer: I didn't think we'd make it out of there, Captain. Good thing you have such big feet.

Captain: We'll have much to explain when we return home.

No. 3 - Cultural Officer: We'll find another way to save Nil. There are plenty of worlds out there for us to explore.

Captain: Yes, Number 3. But what we learned on Earth is more valuable than all the salt in the galaxy. And when we do return, it looks like I'll be needing a new Number 2.

No. 3 - Cultural Officer: I think you'll be needing more than that.

[they kiss; the crew cheers]

Captain: Cue the new anthem.

Captain: [after getting knocked out by a baseball and is shocked with a defibrillator] Power has been restored!

Captain: [after getting "knocked out" by a baseball and is hit with a defibrillator ] Power has been restored!

[first lines]

Captain: The channel's here on the chart, all right, and so are the marking lights.

First mate: Then what's wrong with them?

Captain: Those lights don't seem to be in just the right place. They're both a bit out of position according to this.

First mate: Two light buoys means a safe channel between the world over!

Captain: "Safe between the world over" doesn't go in these waters.

[first lines]

Captain: Can you make out the beacon light?

First Mate: Did we pick up any passengers on this stop, Captain?

Captain: Only that strange fellow from London, Dr. Jekyll.

First Mate: Dr. Jekyll? That's odd. He told me his name was Mr. Hyde.

First Mate: [watching the Hunchback of Notre Dame load boxes onto the ship] He's as strong as 50 men.

Captain: And as ugly as any I've ever seen.

Felix: Pardon me, Gentlemen, does this Pickled Herring stop at the Isle of Evil?

First Mate: [Captain and First Mate shudder in horror] Egads. It's another one of them!

Captain: We'll stop, don't worry. We'll do whatever you want. There'll be no charge for you. Be my guest. But please, none of your surprises.

[They scurry aboard the ship]

Felix: Golly. What's the matter with them? Haven't they ever seen a tourist before?

[the Captain is having D.T.'s and shooting wildly]

Captain: Booze! I need booze! Booze! Booze-booze-booze-booze-booze!

Captain: [after the two men have just watched a man be tortured] Are you okay?

Randall Bennett: [smiling nervously] Yeah.

Captain: We'll go easy on this next guy. He's a jihadi, spent time in Afghanistan. And he's a police officer.

Randall Bennett: Man, I love this town.

Captain: I'm gonna go Hercules on your ass!

Captain: [as Leonidas is beating up his son] I remember when my father used to beat me.

Queen Margo: Rites of Passage?

Captain: No, my father was an alcoholic.

Captain: He has a good heart, Sir. And... nice man-boobs.

Nick Naylor: [On the phone in his hotel room] I'm sitting in front of an open briefcase full of money, I don't suppose this is a raise

Captain: You know who Lorne Lutch is?

Nick Naylor: Yeah, of course he's the original Marlboro Man, he's dying, and he was on Sally last week not exactly our biggest fan

Captain: He has a ranch out there in California I want you to bring the briefcase to him

Nick Naylor: His a cowboy sir, cowboys don't like bribes

Captain: It's not a bribe, no sir, you're going out there on "wings of angels"

Nick Naylor: You mean we're just going to give him the money?

Captain: I think Christ would say "that's mighty white of you boys"

Nick Naylor: and no gag agreement?

Captain: Hopefully he'd be so overwhelm with gratitude he'll have to shut up.

[the Captain and Miss Graveley have afternoon tea together]

Captain: A real handsome man's cup.

Miss Graveley: It's been in the family for years. My father always used it... until he died.

Captain: I trust he died peacefully. Slipped away in the night?

Miss Graveley: He was caught in a threshing machine.

Captain: Marriage is a good way to spend the winter.

Captain: Why I can't believe it.

J. Cheever Loophole: But I tell you the man's name is not Jardinet! His real name is V. T. O'Connor.

Captain: No there must be some mistake. Are you sure?

J. Cheever Loophole: I'm positive. It's the biggest dope ring in years and Jardinet is the head dope. Now, keep him in the brig until I can dig up some more dope. This is Operator 77B signing off. That is all.

Captain: Ladies and gentleman. It's a great pleasure that I welcome you all to the final night of the voyage.

Captain: All aboard!

Captain: I'm always a little sad.

Happy Franks: Don't kid a kidder kid! People are afraid of poverty, of war, of pestilence, of not knowing who they are or what they want, of dogs, and I say - Don't! Don't fear these things! They're not real. You want something to fear? Do you know what to fear? Love. Fear love. Love is real and it is terrifying. If you're going to be afraid, be afraid when someone says...

[he is cut off in mid-sentence as other camera angles show the other characters say "I love you" in different ways]

Johnny Leguard: [to Mrs. Essendine] I love you.

Maxine: [to the sheik] Je t'aime.

Captain: [to the deposed queen] Ti amo.

Meistrich: [to Lili] Ich liebe dich.

Sparks: [to Maurice, who is dressed in drag] I lo-

[Maurice stops him]

First Mate: [in foreign language, to bomb which he hid in his coat] I love you.

Emily: [to Happy] I love you!

Captain: All my life, I look for a woman I once loved. Almond eyes, and the mouth of a cherub.

Captain: I'm going to be blunt, and make some very cutting remarks.

Marjoribanks: To be sure, sir, that's a contradiction in terms, but then English is a very curious language!

Captain: If you interrupt me once more, Mr....?

Marjoribanks: Marjoribanks, sir.

Captain: You interrupt me once more, mate, and you'll hear some really curious language!

Captain: Paperwork: not my favourite occupation.

Marjoribanks: Nor mine.

Captain: It's going to be from now on.

Marjoribanks: Charming.

Captain: Health Report, Dock Report, Crew Report, Food Report, Log Report, Sports Report, Diesel Oil and Fuel Report.

Marjoribanks: [singing:] And a partridge in a pear tree!

Captain: Flo! Ebb a bit.

Marjoribanks: I always find the first few days make me feel quite drowsy.

Captain: Shut your port-hole.

Marjoribanks: Begging your pardon, sir, one must have fresh...

Captain: ...and your cake-hole.

[Captain Crowther enters his cabin, and finds Tom Tree putting clothes in the drawers]

Captain: Don't tell me. You're my new steward. Lovall has broken his leg. You've only done three trips, all from Tower Bridge to Margate.

Tom Tree: That's right, sir. How can you tell?

Captain: I'm psychic!

[Glances at his list]

Captain: Tom Tree.

Tom Tree: That's right, sir. Branches everywhere!

Captain: [Walking into bar] Who are you?

Sam Turner, Barman: Me, sir? Turner, sir.

Captain: Turner?

Sam Turner, Barman: Turner, sir.

Captain: What are you doin' 'ere?

Sam Turner, Barman: Head barman, sir.

Captain: You can't be head barman. Angus is my head barman.

Sam Turner, Barman: [Smiling] Not anymore, sir.

Captain: Not any more? They can't do this to me! Changing a barman? It's like ripping out the engine!

Captain: And any short time goof-off that doesn't bust his ass to bring this guy in, is going to be as popular around this precinct as a reggae band at a Ku Klux Klan rally.

Captain: What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach.

Captain: What we've got here is... failure to communicate. Some men you just can't reach. So you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it... well, he gets it. I don't like it any more than you men.

Captain: You run one time, you got yourself a set of chains. You run twice you got yourself two sets. You ain't gonna need no third set, 'cause you gonna get your mind right.

Captain: Now, I can be a good guy, or I can be one real mean sum-bitch.

Captain: You gonna get used to wearin' them chains afer a while, Luke. Don't you never stop listenin' to them clinking. 'Cause they gonna remind you of what I been saying. For your own good.

Luke: Wish you'd stop being so good to me, Captain.

Captain: Where were we?

Captain: Madam, there is no other maiden in your house?

Lady Tremaine: No!

Captain: And has your cat learned to sing?

Captain: [to Cinderella] Miss. You are requested and required to present yourself to your king.

Lady Tremaine: I forbid you to do this!

Captain: And I forbid you to forbid her! Who are you to stop an officer of the king? Are you an empress? A saint? A deity?

Lady Tremaine: I am her mother.

Cinderella: You have never been... and you never will be my mother.

Lady Tremaine: [Captain and Lady Tramaine walking into Cinderella's room] There, see, I told you, there is no one of any importance.

Captain: [to Lady Tremaine] We'll see about that.

[to Cinderella]

Captain: Miss, you are requested and required to present yourself to your king.

Captain: Well, if it's all the same to you, sir, I'll be straight off. I've given myself leave.

Randolph Doryan: Yes?

Captain: Embarkation leave. France. Second Batallion, Southeast Lanchasires... they're in the front line. Will you tell me something, man to man? What's it like, really - front line?

[Doryan's face expresses discomfort]

Captain: Aye. Well, I'll find out soon enough. I'm a coward, you see. No, I always have been - from being a lad. I can't master it. Well, I don't suppose I've tried, really. I'd give my left arm to have a touch of what you've got. I hate it! Just the bloody thought of it gives me the shakes. In fact, that's my nightmare, the shakes. I don't mind dying - not if it's quick. Life's not that much, is it? I wouldn't mind having a gammy leg, like you've got - though I don't suppose it's funny. But the shakes? Shellshock? Just shaking and shambling like a... epileptic baby? Nay, I'd rather be dead! I can see what's coming - I'm going to disgrace myself...

Randolph Doryan: You don't know what you'll do. No one does - you don't know what you're doing?

Captain: Really? I read what you did in the newspapers. That weren't no flash in the pan - you'd do the same again, I dare say.

Randolph Doryan: You'd be wrong.

Captain: Well, you've done your bit - someone else's turn, eh?

Captain: [to Doryan] There's no local crumpet. It's married or virgin here, you know. And that priest down there's got eyes in the back of his head.

[last lines]

Deputy: How shall I make out the report on him, Captain?

Captain: Better make it "dead on arrival."

[addressing the Little Mermaid]

Captain: You look very pale. You shouldn't have sailed with us. That's not for women. If I told you what my divers have seen in the ocean, you would certainly be horrified. Giant snakes with two heads. And many octopusses that break a man's bones and suck out his blood!

Captain: When we return to our planet, the high court may well sentence you to *torture* and death for your treason.

Captain: We are the supreme race. We have the supreme weapons.

Captain: I must resume radiovision contact!

Captain: Morrow! Go below and bring up the young gargon specimen. Now the decision depends on its reactions.

Derek: Wait, Captain. I have found evidence of intelligent beings on this planet!

Thor: Of what concern of foreign beings?

Derek: Of none to you, Thor! Just as you were so unconcerned when you destroyed this small creature, so bravely!

Thor: It was no more than an insect.

Derek: But it had life. And that life you had to take to satisfy your endless hunger for killing.

Captain: I don't trust that man. Especially his thoughts.

Captain: What do you want to hear? That I expected this?

Detective Adams: Two perps beaten to a pulp... unconscious! Not once but on two separate occasions and this guy still has his badge? This guy still has his gun... AND HE'S TELLING ME WHAT THE FUCK TO DO?

Captain: AND I.A. STILL DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TO SUSPEND HIM

Detective Adams: Bullshit

Captain: The point is he's out there

Detective Adams: Yeah he's out there... and he's coming back

Detective Sandeval: [sarcastically] You think?

Detective Adams: [seriously] YOU DON'T! This guy just ran out in the middle of a national sporting event! HE WANTS TO BE SEEN... HE WANTS THE FAME! What did he say "EVERYTIME THEY THINK OF YOU, THEY'LL BE THINKING OF ME!" So yeah I think he's coming back!