Capt. S. Melly Quotes in Carry on England (1976)

[Melly has just swallowed a button from Pvt. Easy's jacket]

Pvt. Easy: Oh, I do hope you're regular, Sir!

Capt. S. Melly: Regular? I've been regular for 18 years!

Pvt. Easy: Oh, good. That means I can have it back tomorrow, then.

Capt. S. Melly: You'll have it back when I'm good and ready.

Pvt. Easy: That's all right, Sir. No need to strain yourself!

[on arrival at the mixed battery]

Capt. S. Melly: Corporal!

Capt. S. Melly: That man, he's wearing lipstick!

Melly's driver: Lipstick sir?

Capt. S. Melly: Yes.

Melly's driver: Where?

Capt. S. Melly: On his face! Where do you think!

Capt. S. Melly: You up there! What's your name?

Bombardier Ready: Ready, sir.

Capt. S. Melly: Ready? Ready... Willing... Able... This is ridiculous.

[Ready twitches]

Capt. S. Melly: What are you doing?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Twitching, Sir!

Capt. S. Melly: I can see that Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching?

Bombardier Ready: It's me nerves, Sir!

Capt. S. Melly: Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the army for the duration. Twitch your way out of that!

[Bombardier Ready keeps twitching]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Twitch off!

[Leans closer]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Wasted on me, boy!

Capt. S. Melly: Good man, and what's your name?

Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse.

[Melly reacts]

Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse, Sir, that's my name!

[Melly moves along the line]

Capt. S. Melly: And what is your name, my man? Er... woman.

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, Sir, the Sharpe with an E and two F's in the Ffoukes. How do you do?

[Pvt Ffoukes crushes Capt S. Melly's hand while shaking it]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [Leaning in] She too is also a ball squeezer, Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe.

[She does so. before grabbing Sgt Maj Bloomer's leg and biting it]

Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: [Standing up] Oh, Tiger! I think you wonderful. When are you going to savage me?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: If only you was a man I would sort you out!

Capt. S. Melly: [Pointing to Pvt. Owen's foot] Well, you seem to have put your foot in it!

Gunner Owen: Not so much my foot, Sir, more my big toe.

Capt. S. Melly: What's wrong with your big toe?

Gunner Owen: Sprained it, Sir, didn't I, when I fell out of bed.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Pushed out of bed, more like!

Capt. S. Melly: [Turns to Bloomer] Pushed out of bed, Sgt Maj?

Capt. S. Melly: Permission to carry on, Sir?

Brigadier: Please do.

Brigadier: Surely in the interest of efficiency, you shouldn't have someone with those

[points at Easy's breasts]

Brigadier: doing that.

[points at the equipment]

Capt. S. Melly: Do you know Sir, you are absolutely right,

Brigadier: Yes, well I do try and keep abreast of things.

Capt. S. Melly: [calling Gunner Hiscocks] Hiscocks!

Brigadier: I beg your parden?

Capt. S. Melly: Gunner Hiscocks! Replace those...

[points to Easy's breasts]

Capt. S. Melly: ... Her, will you?

[points to Easy]

Capt. S. Melly: I'll show them who's wearing the trousers around here.

Capt. S. Melly: Have you got it up?

Sgt. Tilly Willing: I beg your pardon?

Capt. S. Melly: The shell, man, the shell.

Capt. S. Melly: Quick march!

Capt. S. Melly: As a result, headquarters have at last agreed to send us that most desirable piece of equipment to have handy at time of war... namely a gun.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: I beg your pardon, Sir, but I has found you gets more out of the shower if they're's allowed to wake up sort of gradual like.

Capt. S. Melly: Well from now on, they're going to wake up sort of sudden like.

[hysterical laughter]

Capt. S. Melly: What are you laughing at?

Pvt. Murray: Well, I'm happy Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: Happy? What, here?

[Capt. Melly gets a rubbish bin stuck on his backside]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Permission to un-numb bum, Sir?

Capt. S. Melly: [shouts] Get on with it!

[Bloomer slaps Melly's bum and Melly yells with pain]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Cruel to be kind, Sir. Cruel to be kind.

Capt. S. Melly: Frilly curtains? Basket of flowers? Brasiers?

Melly's driver: Pardon, Sir?

Capt. S. Melly: Knickers!

Melly's driver: Same to you, Sir!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: This is one of these new mixed batteries.

Capt. S. Melly: So, that's what the Brigadier meant when he said this battery was an experiment.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Experiment, Sir. One does not need to experiment. They get that right of way, and all the time.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Ah yes, Sir. They gives me a headache too.

Capt. S. Melly: It's not a headache. It's the stomach. There's a button in it.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: What you may now call a belly button, Sir.

[laughs]

Capt. S. Melly: Oh, shut up!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: With respect, sir. 20 years I've been a Sergeant Major. Nobody told me to shut up before. I is the person what tells people to shut up, sir. It's one of the most important parts of my...

Capt. S. Melly: Shut up!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Up!

Capt. S. Melly: What the blue blank blazes is that?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: It's a gun, Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: But it's made of wood.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: It's not a real gun yet, Sir.

Capt. S. Melly: A gun emplacement without a real gun?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: With all respect, Sir. Remember there's a war on. Real guns is hard to come by.

Capt. S. Melly: Are you a ventriloquist?

Bombardier Ready: Oh no. Church of England.

Capt. S. Melly: Surely you don't mean a bit of the other?

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: There's that or the other, Sir. No matter what you call it, they has had it all, all the time. Been in and out of each others quarters like fiddler's elbows.

Capt. S. Melly: Attention: All ATS personnel. I'm going to make men of you. As from this moment, skirts will not be worn. Skirts will not be worn.

Sgt. Tilly Willing: Well, that'll be a bit drafty.

Capt. S. Melly: I'm going to make a couple of points here. Sergeant Major, when I said "that's all", I didn't mean "that's all", I meant "that's all", that's all.

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: That sounds like a lot of all's, Sir.

[Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe has rammed a round into the gun]

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Get that thing out of there!

Capt. S. Melly: [Whispering] She rammed it up, it can stay up!

Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: In that case, gun loaded, Sir!

Capt. S. Melly: [Melly enters the office, walks up to the desk, and salutes] Captain Melly.

Captain Bull: [Looking up from the whiskey bottle] No, you must have come to the wrong place - my name's Bull!

Capt. S. Melly: No, I'm Melly - S. Melly!

Captain Bull: Pity.

[holds up the bottle]

Captain Bull: Have a drink!

Capt. S. Melly: [Bull has kissed Melly on the cheek] He actually kissed me!