Capt. S. Melly Quotes in Carry on England (1976)


Capt. S. Melly Quotes:

  • [Melly has just swallowed a button from Pvt. Easy's jacket]

    Pvt. Easy: Oh, I do hope you're regular, Sir!

    Capt. S. Melly: Regular? I've been regular for 18 years!

    Pvt. Easy: Oh, good. That means I can have it back tomorrow, then.

    Capt. S. Melly: You'll have it back when I'm good and ready.

    Pvt. Easy: That's all right, Sir. No need to strain yourself!

  • [on arrival at the mixed battery]

    Capt. S. Melly: Corporal!

    Capt. S. Melly: That man, he's wearing lipstick!

    Melly's driver: Lipstick sir?

    Capt. S. Melly: Yes.

    Melly's driver: Where?

    Capt. S. Melly: On his face! Where do you think!

  • Capt. S. Melly: You up there! What's your name?

    Bombardier Ready: Ready, sir.

    Capt. S. Melly: Ready? Ready... Willing... Able... This is ridiculous.

    [Ready twitches]

    Capt. S. Melly: What are you doing?

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Twitching, Sir!

    Capt. S. Melly: I can see that Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching?

    Bombardier Ready: It's me nerves, Sir!

    Capt. S. Melly: Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the army for the duration. Twitch your way out of that!

    [Bombardier Ready keeps twitching]

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Twitch off!

    [Leans closer]

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Wasted on me, boy!

    Capt. S. Melly: Good man, and what's your name?

    Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse.

    [Melly reacts]

    Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse, Sir, that's my name!

    [Melly moves along the line]

    Capt. S. Melly: And what is your name, my man? Er... woman.

    Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, Sir, the Sharpe with an E and two F's in the Ffoukes. How do you do?

    [Pvt Ffoukes crushes Capt S. Melly's hand while shaking it]

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [Leaning in] She too is also a ball squeezer, Sir.

    Capt. S. Melly: Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe.

    [She does so. before grabbing Sgt Maj Bloomer's leg and biting it]

    Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: [Standing up] Oh, Tiger! I think you wonderful. When are you going to savage me?

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: If only you was a man I would sort you out!

    Capt. S. Melly: [Pointing to Pvt. Owen's foot] Well, you seem to have put your foot in it!

    Gunner Owen: Not so much my foot, Sir, more my big toe.

    Capt. S. Melly: What's wrong with your big toe?

    Gunner Owen: Sprained it, Sir, didn't I, when I fell out of bed.

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Pushed out of bed, more like!

    Capt. S. Melly: [Turns to Bloomer] Pushed out of bed, Sgt Maj?

  • Capt. S. Melly: Permission to carry on, Sir?

    Brigadier: Please do.

  • Brigadier: Surely in the interest of efficiency, you shouldn't have someone with those

    [points at Easy's breasts]

    Brigadier: doing that.

    [points at the equipment]

    Capt. S. Melly: Do you know Sir, you are absolutely right,

    Brigadier: Yes, well I do try and keep abreast of things.

  • Capt. S. Melly: [calling Gunner Hiscocks] Hiscocks!

    Brigadier: I beg your parden?

    Capt. S. Melly: Gunner Hiscocks! Replace those...

    [points to Easy's breasts]

    Capt. S. Melly: ... Her, will you?

    [points to Easy]

  • Capt. S. Melly: I'll show them who's wearing the trousers around here.

  • Capt. S. Melly: Have you got it up?

    Sgt. Tilly Willing: I beg your pardon?

    Capt. S. Melly: The shell, man, the shell.

  • Capt. S. Melly: Quick march!

  • Capt. S. Melly: As a result, headquarters have at last agreed to send us that most desirable piece of equipment to have handy at time of war... namely a gun.

  • Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: I beg your pardon, Sir, but I has found you gets more out of the shower if they're's allowed to wake up sort of gradual like.

    Capt. S. Melly: Well from now on, they're going to wake up sort of sudden like.

  • [hysterical laughter]

    Capt. S. Melly: What are you laughing at?

    Pvt. Murray: Well, I'm happy Sir.

    Capt. S. Melly: Happy? What, here?

  • [Capt. Melly gets a rubbish bin stuck on his backside]

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Permission to un-numb bum, Sir?

    Capt. S. Melly: [shouts] Get on with it!

    [Bloomer slaps Melly's bum and Melly yells with pain]

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Cruel to be kind, Sir. Cruel to be kind.

  • Capt. S. Melly: Frilly curtains? Basket of flowers? Brasiers?

    Melly's driver: Pardon, Sir?

    Capt. S. Melly: Knickers!

    Melly's driver: Same to you, Sir!

  • Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: This is one of these new mixed batteries.

    Capt. S. Melly: So, that's what the Brigadier meant when he said this battery was an experiment.

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Experiment, Sir. One does not need to experiment. They get that right of way, and all the time.

  • Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Ah yes, Sir. They gives me a headache too.

    Capt. S. Melly: It's not a headache. It's the stomach. There's a button in it.

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: What you may now call a belly button, Sir.


    Capt. S. Melly: Oh, shut up!

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: With respect, sir. 20 years I've been a Sergeant Major. Nobody told me to shut up before. I is the person what tells people to shut up, sir. It's one of the most important parts of my...

    Capt. S. Melly: Shut up!

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Up!

  • Capt. S. Melly: What the blue blank blazes is that?

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: It's a gun, Sir.

    Capt. S. Melly: But it's made of wood.

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: It's not a real gun yet, Sir.

    Capt. S. Melly: A gun emplacement without a real gun?

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: With all respect, Sir. Remember there's a war on. Real guns is hard to come by.

  • Capt. S. Melly: Are you a ventriloquist?

    Bombardier Ready: Oh no. Church of England.

  • Capt. S. Melly: Surely you don't mean a bit of the other?

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: There's that or the other, Sir. No matter what you call it, they has had it all, all the time. Been in and out of each others quarters like fiddler's elbows.

  • Capt. S. Melly: Attention: All ATS personnel. I'm going to make men of you. As from this moment, skirts will not be worn. Skirts will not be worn.

    Sgt. Tilly Willing: Well, that'll be a bit drafty.

  • Capt. S. Melly: I'm going to make a couple of points here. Sergeant Major, when I said "that's all", I didn't mean "that's all", I meant "that's all", that's all.

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: That sounds like a lot of all's, Sir.

  • [Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe has rammed a round into the gun]

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Get that thing out of there!

    Capt. S. Melly: [Whispering] She rammed it up, it can stay up!

    Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: In that case, gun loaded, Sir!

  • Capt. S. Melly: [Melly enters the office, walks up to the desk, and salutes] Captain Melly.

    Captain Bull: [Looking up from the whiskey bottle] No, you must have come to the wrong place - my name's Bull!

    Capt. S. Melly: No, I'm Melly - S. Melly!

    Captain Bull: Pity.

    [holds up the bottle]

    Captain Bull: Have a drink!

  • Capt. S. Melly: [Bull has kissed Melly on the cheek] He actually kissed me!

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