Calvin Quotes in Paid in Full (2002)

Calvin: I just made enough money to bake biscuits for the projects.

Calvin: I'm Fucking Kirk Douglas!

Rut: Hey Calvin, look what else is in here... it's one of them funny cigarettes.

Calvin: Light that sucker up and let's take a cosmic ride.

Calvin: [when Bree coughs after drinking mescal] That'll put hair on your chest.

Bree Osbourne: [clasps hands as if praying] Hope not.

[laughs]

Bree: Have you lived all your life in New Mexico?

Calvin: Not yet...

Toby: How come an Indian wears a cowboy hat?

Calvin: Well, I guess it's because it keeps the sun out of my eyes better than a head band and a couple of eagle feathers.

Calvin: [after receiving tragic news] These kids like killing each other! They like that shit! Man, this is the fuckin' Southside. This "cease fire" shit is over!

Calvin: [to Jay] Jay look at me come back in an hour, come back in an hour I'll take care of your Bill.

Calvin: Welcome to Calvin's. If you like it, you pay. If you don't like it, your ass pay anyway.

Calvin: [voice over] This is the town I love, a neighborhood of family and friends. And right here at the heart of it all is where everyone comes together: the barbershop.

Calvin: [voice over] In every neighborhood there's a place folks gets together to talk about their dreams, to share their frustrations, and maybe even tell a joke or two. It's a home away from home, and these aren't just friends, they're family.

Calvin: Yo man, we closed come back tomorrow.

Jalen: Man,that's too bad I was really hoping you could fit me in.

Calvin: I think I got room for one more, have a seat. Glad you came man

Jalen: Just wanted to do something about this so-called "Abomination" you say.

Calvin: I'll hook you up man don't worry about nothing, I'll edge you up real quick.

Jalen: Uhh... I was thinking start off fresh.

Calvin: You sure?

Jalen: Positive.

Calvin: All right, start you off fresh.

Jalen: You know I didn't mean what I said earlier, you've always be there for me for everything and I appreciate it, love you dad.

Calvin: Love you too. Always gonna be my guy, I swear. All right let's see how we can hook you up here, yeah, ok. Now listen I hear about anything I'm snatching you right up out of there you hear me.

Jalen: Yeah I hear you

Calvin: I'm not playing, be up there quick fast in a hurry, I escort you to the bathroom and everything if i have too.

Jalen: Crazy dad.but I'm fine with that.I'm just happy to stay here happy to be home.

Calvin: I'm happy you back.

Jalen: Let's see me hooping this year, right.

Calvin: You got to penetrate more too manyjumpers.

Jalen: But they go in through.

Calvin: [Chuckles] Not all the time they don't go in

Jalen: Ohh man...

Calvin: You don't wanna rock your dread's like that man, now if you end up on the Bull's, your daddy got to go everywhere with you I'm gonna be the team barber.

Jalen: Damn man. Slow down.

Calvin: Alright. H93, you ain't comb your hair in six month's it's a little nappy down there. All kind of cucabuds back there, Beebees you gonna be all right. Yeah that's it.

Jalen: Oh, looks fresh. I'm getting all the shorties at school now.

Calvin: Now you look like my son again, now you can sweep up the hair.

Calvin: Come on guys, this is bull crap. Where the hell's my chicken sandwich?

Floyd: [Picks up chicken with tongs, drops in on the prep board. Points tongs over counter at Calvin] Fuck you, bitch!

Calvin: What the hell did I do to you, Floyd?

Floyd: [Using chicken and tongs as microphone, sings] Eat at Shenaniganz, Enjoy your food. Eat at Shenaniganz, Calvin works here!

Calvin: Oh, that's hardly sanitary.

Naomi: You really want to know why?

Monty: Yes I really do.

Naomi: Ok Ill tell you why. Its because of THIS!

[jumps on the barstool and lifts her skirt]

Calvin, Mitch, Monty: OH! MY GOD!

Naomi: Yea! Bang! Pow! Pow! Pow!

Monty: Its so angry!

Naomi: [screeches and hisses like cat]

Calvin: Oh GOD does that thing have its shots? Put it away! Just put iy away!

Naomi: Dinner is served!

Calvin: Well its official, my penis is now just for show.

Monty: Mitch you picked a FUCKED up night to start working here.

Calvin: I never make... how do you make a hundred dollars every night?

Monty: You wanna know?

Calvin: Yeah.

Monty: You really wanna know how I make a hundred dollars every night?

Calvin: Yes.

Monty: It's all about that right there!

[he points; everyone turns around and is confronted by Raddimus' testicles]

Monty: Yes!

Raddimus: Yes!

[everyone groans]

Monty: Monty with the assist!

Raddimus: I can't believe how many homos we got working in here!

Dean: Calvin, what happens with every girl you're interested in?

Monty: Nothing!

Dean: You take 'em out, you pay for everything, and you never make a move!

Monty: And then you go home, alone, to masturbate while you cry, using your own tears as lube...

[cut off]

Calvin: Ok, that was once, and I was drunk, and *it was Valentine's Day*. So back off.

Calvin: Take a look at the bat wing, Bitch.

Raddimus: Oh, it's so veiny.

Calvin: Well its official, my penis is now just for show.

Calvin: You really are an asshole

Monty: Shenaniganz

Calvin: [to Bishop] Okay... About three months ago I, uh, just finished my shift, and I really had to take a piss. So, uh, I go into the bathroom. And, uh, I'm at the urinal just waiting for the flow, minding my own business. When, ah, I notice out of my peripheral vision the guy standing next to me was looking straight at my dick. And he's just staring at it like they're old pals. I could practically hear what he was thinking. 'Whoa. That's a nice dick.' And that's it. Yeah, since that time, I haven't been able to use a public bathroom.

Calvin: Quit starin' at my dick!

Calvin: You guys suck.

Monty: Yes... we do.

Natasha: Dean.

Dean: What?

Natasha: The old lady at Table 37 wants you to sing the birthday song for her grandson. His name is Timmy, and he's eight years old.

Dean: [tosses a cake with Happy Birthday onto the counter from the box] I need birthday singers!

Monty: Come on, people! We need birthday singers!

Naomi: Fuck.

Dean: [the gang walk toward Table 37, clapping and cheering. Dean holds out the cake and brings it to the table, spotting Timmy] There he is. There's the big winner.

[sets the cake onto the table where Timmy is]

Monty: [excitedly] Yeah!

Dean: All right. Attention, guests! Today's a very special occasion. It's Timmy's eighth birthday! Big round of applause.

[the guests cheer and applaud]

Dean: He's earned it. He's got his whole life ahead of him. The sky's the limit.

Dean: [singing] I don't know but I've been told.

Monty, Amy, Naomi, Serena, Calvin: [singing] Someone here is getting old!

Dean: [singing, Timmy looks frightened] Good news is dessert is free.

Monty, Amy, Naomi, Serena, Calvin: [singing] Bad news is we sing off-key!

Dean: [singing] Happy birthday...

Dean, Monty, Amy, Naomi, Serena, Calvin: [point to Timmy, in unison] TO YOU!

[Timmy starts crying in embarrassment, the waiters applaud and cheer. One of them holds up Timmy's arm and waves it in the air]

Natasha: Look at the camera!

[holding a camera]

Dean: Picture time.

[the camera snaps and we're revealed the photograph of all the waiters and Timmy posed for the picture, Timmy still cries in the background as this happens]

Dean: All right. All right. Cry it off.

Calvin: Man, you messed shit up with Amy. You're lucky a girl like that would even talk to you. She's hot, sexy. She got a job. Man, that girl out of your league.

Will: She's not out of my league.

Calvin: Shit, she gotta put up with your stank breath. Not to mention your abnormally high plumber's crack.

Enchanted Princess: [singing] My dear prince, you have rescued me you have caught me in your arms...

Calvin: [singing] Actually you landed on my balls!

Calvin: You have a wonderful sense of humor, son, I must say. The acorn does not fall far from the tree.

Adam, Age 11: What's baseball?

Calvin: It's a game, son. I can explain it pretty easily. See, there's a pitcher...

Adam, Age 11: Oh, like a painting.

Calvin: No, a pitch-er.

Adam, Age 11: Like one of mom's?

Calvin: No. There's a man who throws the ball to a man who has a bat.

Adam, Age 11: Oh! The nocturnal flying mammal?

[the doors have unlocked, and Helen and Adam are thrilled; Calvin slightly less so]

Adam: Do we just go on up?

Calvin: No, son. Now is the time we must be at our most cautious. We wait for night.

Helen: Oh, shit!

[Helen, realizing Adam has heard her, immediately covers her mouth]

Calvin: Helen Thomas Webber! Maybe we have been down here a little too long. Pardon her French, son.

Adam: "Shit" is French?

Calvin: [uncomfortably] Well, it's archaic French. It's a sixteenth century colloquialism, meaning, roughly, good.

Helen: Your father's right.

Adam: Well. "Shit"!

Calvin: Son. Adam.

Adam: Yes, Father?

Calvin: Don't forget: stay out of the adult bookstore.

Adam: Adult bookstore. Why?

Calvin: Poison gas. Invisible.

Calvin: Would you like a tranquilizer?

Helen: You have tranquilizers?

Calvin: I told you, I have everything!

[Calvin is reassuring his wife on their son's first night away from home]

Calvin: I just want to say, I think he's going to be fine.

Helen: Thank you, Calvin, thank you very much.

Calvin: He's smart!

Helen: Yes, dear, I know, but he's still such a baby.

Calvin: He's a man.

Helen: He's a baby man.

Adam: [During his first visit back home] Mom, I think I'm being chased by a Psychiatrist.

Helen: Oh no!

Calvin: That happens.

Adam: [Adam is with his parents at the new house] Dad, I don't know how to tell you this. And I was going to wait a while, but I think... Dad, there was no bomb. A plane crashed into our backyard. I looked it up in old newspapers.

Calvin: You're sure?

Adam: Positive. The Soviet Union collapsed without a shot being fired. The Cold War is over.

Calvin: That's what everybody believes?

Adam: Yes, sir. It's true.

Calvin: What? Did the politburo just one day say, "We give up?"

Adam: Yes. That's kind of how it was.

Calvin: Uh-huh.

Calvin: My gosh, those Commies are brilliant! You've got to hand it to 'em! "No, we didn't drop any bombs! Oh yes, our evil empire has collapsed! Poor, poor us!" I bet they've even asked the West for aid! Right?

Adam: Uh, I think they have.

Calvin: Hah! Those cagey rascals! Those sly dissemblers! Those, uh... They've finally pulled the wool over everybody's eyes!

Terri: Who drank my goddamn apple juice?

Calvin: Whoa! Terri, stop cussing. This ain't Def Comedy Jam!

Ray-Ray: [Hustling his goods] DVDs! CDs!

Calvin: Not today, man...

Ray-Ray: Got Cristal, MoÃŽt! Whatever you want, man!

[DMX impersonation]

Ray-Ray: Got dat new DMX, baby!

Calvin: Ray! I told you to stop coming in here soliciting. Are you retarded or something?

Ray-Ray: No.

Calvin: Are you stupid, simple, or slow; which one?

Calvin: You see that? That right there is Oprah's house.

Jimmy: Let me tell you somethin'... you will *never* own a Black barbershop!

Isaac: I will if I want to.

Terri: If Tony Roma can make ribs better than Black people, Isaac can own a Black barbershop...

Calvin: Wait a minute..."ribs better than Black people?"

Jimmy: Tony Roma boils his ribs! That is *not* authentic!

Dinka: Tony Roma is delicious! I don't see White or Black... I just see red sauce on everyt'ing!

[from trailer]

Calvin: Baby, up up.

Calvin: Nursy! Nursy!

Brittany: Oh you want a nursy!

[Calvin is about to eat a biscuit]

Miss Emma: Say grace first!

Calvin: Oh, uh..."Jesus wept".

Miss Emma: Why?

Calvin: Why what?

Miss Emma: Why did Jesus weep?

Calvin: 'Cuz he was sad.

Miss Emma: *Why* was he sad?

Calvin: 'Cuz he was sad 'cuz they ain't let him eat his biscuit...

Calvin: [to his calm baby son] One day this shop's gonna be yours.

[his baby son starts to cry loudly]

Calvin: I just like to blow shit up. I'm a fucking adrenaline junkie.

Calvin: A 44.40 in the brain pan would be my sentence for him. Now I don't know why don't want to go along with that, Tom!

Calvin: [Tristan asks if he got a text] You tell me... firestarter

Calvin: This is like looking for a needle in a haystack full of needles.