Calamity Jane Quotes in Death Race 2000 (1975)

Calamity Jane: Hi ya Herman. I hope your buzz-bomb has a little more juice in its nuclear war head this year.

[Herman glances down at his crotch, embarrased]

[Matilda runs her car over Calamity Jane's navigator, Pete]

Matilda the Hun: [cheers] Blitzkreg! Ha-ha!

Calamity Jane: [screaming] YOU LOUSY BITCH! I'll kill you for that! Nobody scores my navigator and gets away with it.

Lt. Fury: [looks through binoculars] Chicken gang. Chicken in a basket!

Calamity Jane: Chicken in a casket!

Junior: Do I hear the sounds of engines? It's Calamity Jane Kelly, queen of the road, at the wheel of that mean, ornery stud bull!

[Fans of Calamity Jane cheering]

Junior: Zany Janey, winner of this year's trials at Watkins Glen, placed second in 1998 and led in last year's second lap until she went out with gear trouble.

[Jane and her navigator Pete waves to the fans whilst Junior Bruce walks toward them]

Junior: Her fans and lovers everywhere wish Janey better luck this year.

Calamity Jane: My fans can wish me all the luck they want. My luck with my lovers get any better, I'll miss the race completely. Isn't that right, Pete?

[Jane surprises Bill by giving him a wet sloppy kiss]

Calamity Jane: Just for old times' sake.

[Bill wipes off his mouth]

Calamity Jane: You wipin' it off?

James Butler 'Wild Bill' Hickok: No. I'm rubbin' it in.

Calamity Jane: A man that cgeats at cards ain't got no religion.

Calamity Jane: Anybody make a move and I'll fill 'em full of lead, or my name ain't Calamity Jane!

Calamity Jane: Tip your hat when you speak to a lady!

Wild Bill Hickok: I will... when I speak to a lady.

Calamity Jane: Bill Hickok, you ornery son-of-a-mule. You wouldn't give a bad dime to a sick kid, would you?

Wild Bill Hickok: You might be right, Calamity.

Calamity Jane: No, I ain't. I know I ain't worth a bad dime.

Calamity Jane: You're a mule-headed man, Bill Hickok.

Calamity Jane: What are you smoking? Chalk?

Calamity Jane: Maybe you're just bein' nice to me because you think you won't ever see me again.

Wild Bill Hickok: Sure, sure I'll see you again. This is a big country and trails cross sometimes.

Jack McCall: I'm gonna be a big man in this country.

Calamity Jane: [Sarcastically] You're gonna have to grow a foot, won't yuh?

[the singer is a man in drag]

Wild Bill Hickok: She ain't very good lookin'

Calamity Jane: That ain't all she ain't.

Calamity Jane: Make mine sarsparilly!

Calamity Jane: Excitement? Why, I got more arrows in the back of that coach than a porcupine has got stickers!

Calamity Jane: Look at these! Silk, pure silk! I'll bet her mother spun 'em!

Calamity Jane: [singing] At last my heart's an open door / And my secret love's no secret any more.

Calamity Jane: That's better. Next time I tell a story, keep your hands in your *pockets* you toothless old buffalo!

[Bill is dressed as an Indian woman with a baby]

Calamity Jane: Gosh almighty, it's Bill Hickok!

[proceeds to laugh along with everyone else]

Wild Bill Hickok: [hands baby over] Here take him.

[stands up]

Wild Bill Hickok: The next man that laughs is gonna get his head ventilated.

[silence and Bill sits down. Calamity laughs again after a few moments]

Calamity Jane: Whip, crack, away!

Calamity Jane: I got a strange feelin' somebody's bein' hustled.

Calamity Jane: This town ain't big enough! Not for me and that frilled-up, flirtin', man-rustlin' petticoat, it ain't!

Calamity Jane: [singing] Hi Joe / say where'd you get them fancy clothes? / I know / off some fella's laundry line. / Hi Bow / aren't you the prairie rose / Smell like a watermelon vine.

Calamity Jane: [while in Chicago, sees a store window with wigs on display] Scalps!

Calamity Jane: Enjoy the show!

Wild Bill Hickok: [finds a gun hidden in Calamity's wedding dress] What's this fer?

Calamity Jane: Awww... just in case any more actresses come in from Chicagy!

Potter: That's Indian country out there!

Calamity Jane: You're not afraid of a few Indians, are you?

Potter: It's not the Indians I'm afraid of. It's their attitudes.

Potter: Indian country. Do we have to go that way?

Calamity Jane: Now Painless, I'll be with you. You're not afraid, are you?

Potter: No. I can always get another scalp.

Calamity Jane: You see, men have got the whole world right in their punch. And you've got to show them that you are strong as they are. If you run after them they run away. And if you run away and try to get them to follow, honey they get tired mighty quick! If you are honest with them and you tell them what you think well then they get scared because they think that you see right through them. If you hold them the reins tight then they drop and escape. So maybe you're gentle and thought and you give them a little freedom. Then they think thay you don't care for them at all! If you kiss them they wipe it off or they wipe it in. Either way it's the same thing because they don't kiss back, and if they do it's not the right time or the right place or they are thinking of something else.

Calamity Jane: Hiya, boys!

Bob Holliday: Hello, Jane. When did you get in town?

Calamity Jane: A few minutes ago. Just hit the jackpot, so I'm buying the drinks.

Bob Holliday: Busy now.

Calamity Jane: Aw, now, a lady don't enjoy drinking by herself. We sitting together at the show tonight?

Bob Holliday: Maybe. You going home and change your clothes? Don't you ever wear dresses anymore?

Calamity Jane: Not unless I have to. Makes me feel too darn effeminate.

Calamity Jane: I want to see what a "lady" looks like.

Anne Grayson: Well really, I...

Jim Holliday: Jane, there's been a mistake.

Calamity Jane: A big mistake. So you thought you could horn in, did ya? Well, there ain't no place in this camp for ladies. You're going out on the next stage.

Jim Holliday: [to Anne] Oh, this is Jane, eh...

Calamity Jane: Never mind the introductions. I'll tell her who I am. Me and Bob helped settle this town. We trapped for food 'fore the wagon trains come, and we fought Indians 'fore there were soldiers. And when the smallpox hit us, I nursed him through it. Could you have done that, with your pretty face and your fine clothes?

Jim Holliday: If you'd only listen to me...

Calamity Jane: I've listened long enough. I'm doing the talkin' now. No frizzly-haired, hoity-toity petticoat rustler's going to beat my time.

Matt Baker: Miss Mullen hired a lawyer.

Colorado Charley: A lawyer?

Calamity Jane: I'll shoot it out with him, too!

Matt Baker: You can't do that, Calam! Law and order is comin' to the Gulch. Why, in a week or so, we'll have a real United States judge here. Ask Sheriff Atwood if you don't believe me.

Colorado Charley: Great jumpin' horny toads! What's this town comin' to anyway? Soon be where a man can't settle an argument in his own way!

[Calamity, Gordon and Colorado have just won a shoot-out with ruffians who stole a stagecoach]

Calamity Jane: How's your passengers?

Colorado Charley: Them? Uh, why I can't figure out which one's ready for the coroner and which one's ready for jail.

[last lines]

Calamity Jane: Well, I reckon I ain't never loved anybody else but him

[Will Bill Hickok]

Calamity Jane: anyway. Pard, we'll meet again in the Happy Hunting Grounds.

Colorado Charley: I sure hope there's plenty of room up there, Calam, 'cause when you and Wild Bill get together again, there's gonna be some tall shootin'!

Calamity Jane: When I die, Colorado, I want to be buried right here... beside him.

Narrator: Calam's wish was granted. Her friends buried her beside him. Calam died in Deadwood 27 years later on the same day of the month Wild Bill was killed - August 2nd.