Cal Quotes in Eve of Destruction (1991)

Cal: [showing Eve VIII his penis] Say hellooooooo!

Cal: Sharon Bell - she's like a Bruce Lee with boobs, man!

Cal: I may not know kung fu, but I'm an expert in gun fu.

Cal: I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one...

Cal: How about we say what we want on three? One, two, three.

Emily: I want a divorce.

Cal: [at the same time] Creme brulee.

Jacob: Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?

Cal: No.

Jacob: Oh, ok. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.

Cal: I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up.

Jacob: Let's talk about how many women you've been with.

Cal: Sexually?

Jacob: Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.

Cal: [Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart] Cal: Would you put on some clothes please?

Jacob: Jacob: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?

Cal: Cal

[annoyed]

Cal: No! It's not!

Jacob: Jacob: Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.

Cal: Cal: Okay. It bothers me.

Jacob: Jacob: I don't care.

Bernie Riley: Claire said I can't be friends with you anymore.

Cal: What?

Bernie Riley: She said we had to choose between you and Emily. I chose you. But she said no.

Cal: Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?

Cal's Boss: Amy heard you crying in the bathroom - we all thought it was cancer.

Cal: Oh...

Cal's Boss: Thank God, man... *laughing*

Cal: Yeah, just my relationship...

Cal: I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates.

Emily: I miss you.

Cal: [standing in the rain after Emily argues with him] What a cliché.

Jacob: The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.

Cal: [Carefully looks at himself on mirror and sighs... ] Yes, it is.

Robbie: If you love her, then go get her back.

Cal: Wow, how old are you?

Cal: Are you pointing at me?

Robbie: You're pointing at him?

Emily: She's pointing at him? OH!

Kate: What do you want to do with me?

Cal: I want to show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous!

Cal: I have purchased a firearm.

Cal: You're gay, now?

David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.

Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."

David: You're gay for saying that.

Cal: I'm gay for saying that?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?

David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.

Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: You like Coldplay.

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: Your dick tastes like shit.

Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend.

Andy Stitzer: Yeah?

Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.

Andy Stitzer: Yeah.

Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.

Andy Stitzer: Yeah.

Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.

Andy Stitzer: Yeah.

Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse!

Andy Stitzer: Wow, that's something.

Cal: So what about you? What did you get up to?

Andy Stitzer: You know, I just kinda hung out. I was...

[pause]

Andy Stitzer: Oh man, Friday, I really wanted an egg salad sandwich and I was just obsessing about it and I was like, 'Man, I'm gonna make one of those.' So Saturday, I went out and got, like, a dozen eggs and then I boiled them all and I just, I spent, I dunno, probably three hours, like three and a half hours making, you know, the mayonnaise, and the onions and paprika and, you know, the necessary accoutrement. And then, by the time I was done, I didn't really feel like like eating it.

Cal: I can imagine.

Andy Stitzer: And I didn't have any bread.

[pause]

Andy Stitzer: So you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend.

Cal: Sounds pretty awesome.

Andy Stitzer: Yeah, it was fine.

Cal: Sounds really fun.

[pause]

Cal: Cool... Cool cool.

Cal: [Andy turns away and Cal mimics blowing his own brains out with a finger pistol]

[the waxing lady is putting the first coat of wax on Andy's chest]

Cal: If she starts waxing his pubes, I'm outta here.

Cal: [talking about Trish being a grandma] You should fuck her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.

David: You know how I know that you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".

Cal: You know how I know you're gay?

David: How?

Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.

David: You know how I know that you're gay?

Cal: How?

David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face".

Cal: That's gay?

David: [loses his second "Mortal Kombat" match] Goddamn it!

Cal: I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off. And now I'm throwing it at your body.

[David's character explodes]

Cal: [shouts] Fuck you!

David: Aww...

David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."

Cal: That's gay?

Cal: Be David Caruso in "Jade."

Andy Stitzer: Oh, ok, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Cal: You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta fuck the plant.

Cal: Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.

Andy Stitzer: I think I've got all the advice I can handle right now.

Cal: Don't get bitter.

Andy Stitzer: I'm not getting bitter. I almost lost a nipple, okay?

Cal: That was Jay's idea, and I wasn't going to say anything, but waxing your chest is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Look at me: looks are not important. *Really* look at me. I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards, but, I get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?

Andy Stitzer: I am not ugly as fuck.

Cal: I didn't say you were ugly as fuck.

Andy Stitzer: Well, you implied it.

Cal: Okay, okay, it doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck, or you're ugly as shit. It's about *talking* to women, and I know how to do that because I observe, because I am a novelist.

Andy Stitzer: What? You never told me that before.

Cal: That's because I'm not an arrogant prick, Andy.

Cal: I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.

Paula: [Discussing what to do while spending a week stoned] I'll probably re-watch "Gandhi".

Cal: "Gandhi" baked is good. I always feel bad when I watch it baked because I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot and poor Gandhi is starving his ass off.

Cal: [of his first thoughts on Andy] I kinda thought you were a serial killer.

Andy Stitzer: Oh.

[chuckles]

Cal: No, I'm serious.

David: You know how I know you're gay?

Cal: Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are.

[about Andy telling Trish he's a virgin]

Andy Stitzer: What if she laughs at me?

Cal: Then you punch her in the fucking head.

Cal: The problem most men have is they don't know how to talk to women.

Andy Stitzer: You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say? I went to magic camp? That I'm an accomplished ventriloquist? Oh, I *am* the Seventh Degree Imperial Yo-Yo Master. "Ooh, do me, Yo-Yo Master, I want you to do me cause you're the yo-yo guy!"

Cal: [Angrily] You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay? Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy!

Amy: I moved, I changed my email address, my phone number. Okay? He's practically stalking me.

Cal: [Still trying to act angry] Well... I didn't know all that. So, I'm sorry.

Waxing Lady: So this is your first time getting body wax?

Andy Stitzer: Yes. Yes, it is.

Waxing Lady: Take off your shirt.

Andy Stitzer: Ok.

[Andy takes off his shirt, revealing a very hairy torso]

Waxing Lady: [calls out] Oh... we gonna need more wax!

Cal: I'm staying. This is gonna be good.

Waxing Lady: [calls out] And clear all my appointments in the afternoon!

Andy Stitzer: I'm gonna tell her.

Cal: You should totally tell her.

Andy Stitzer: I'm going to.

Cal: 'Cause I watched this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was, "*Don't* lie." And that was a smart movie.

Andy Stitzer: You guys, she's picking me up in an hour.

David: Oh, drag, dude.

Cal: She's picking you up from here?

Andy Stitzer: Yeah.

Cal: That's fucked up, man.

Andy Stitzer: Why?

Cal: Why? Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.

Andy Stitzer: So what?

Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.

Andy Stitzer: Okay.

Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?

Andy Stitzer: That's Oscar Goldman.

Cal: Why do you have that?

Andy Stitzer: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.

Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?

Andy Stitzer: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.

Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?

Andy Stitzer: They did not laugh at me.

David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.

Andy Stitzer: You guys cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay?

Cal: First, you relax, okay?

Andy Stitzer: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.

Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.

[Trish shows up at Andy's door and the entire apartment looks abandoned]

Cal: Here's what you do. You tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit, okay? Here, tell me. Tell me. This is how it's gonna go. Tell me.

Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin.

Cal: Sweet! I like that because I know you don't have... chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean, that shit is everywhere.

Cal: [regarding Andy's girlfriend as a grandmother] You can fuck her while watching "Murder, She Wrote". She'll like that

Cal: I touched a guy's balls once in Hebrew School.

Cal: That's a good looking grandma! My grandma looks like Jack Palance.

Andy Stitzer: Well, she's no Jack Palance.

Cal: No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.

Cal: [looking at Andy's action figures] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?

Andy Stitzer: Is this shirt too yellow?

Cal: No.

[pause]

Cal: Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life?

Cal: You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.

[from the deleted scene]

David: Know how I know you're gay?

Cal: How am I gay?

David: You've seen Rent *three* times.

David: Did you just flick me in the balls?

Cal: No. I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be.

Andy Stitzer: Jay thinks you're a pot head.

Cal: I am.

Jay: Wassup, dawg, what happened? How was the date with Trish?

Andy Stitzer: Oh, it was a disaster.

Cal: Really?

Andy Stitzer: Yes, I've never been more embarrassed in my life. I couldn't get the condoms to work, and one of them exploded on my balls. And then, her kid walked in the room...

Jay: Woah. Wait. Hold up. She was hiding the kid from you, dawg?

Andy Stitzer: You know what? It doesn't matter. Because it was goin' downhill straight from there.

Jay: Listen, you don't want no baby daddy drama. Trust me on this one, aight? For all you know, he in prison right now. Let's say y'all livin' together. Next thing you know, you the one gone on the first and the fifteenth, huh, to pick up the government check? What if he got boys that's on the outside? And they stalkin' you? See what I'm sayin? You gotta think, patna!

Andy Stitzer: What the fuck are you talking about?

Andy Stitzer: [confused by Beth's thong] There's something wrong with her underwear.

Cal: Yeah. They're not in my mouth.

Andy Stitzer: [drunk] You know the thing about relationships is that they make one person go, "Blah blah blah blah blah," and the other person go, "What are you talking about?" And then one person goes, "Blah blah blah blah blah."

Cal: How much have you had to drink, man?

Andy Stitzer: Oh, how much have I had to drink? Hey, how many pots have you smoken?

Cal: What are you talking about?

Andy Stitzer: Oh, how many times have you gone to the bathroom in your life? Let me ask you that. You know what, you don't have an answer for that, do you? Who the fuck you, man? I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, you're such a good guy, and I appreciate you.

Jenna: Cal, are you happy? I mean, when you call yourself a happy man, do you really mean it?

Cal: You ask a serious question, I'll give you a serious answer: Happy enough. I don't expect much. I don't get much, I don't give much. I generally enjoy whatever comes along. That's my answer for you, summed up for your feminine consideration. I'm happy enough.

Jenna: Cal?

Cal: Yeah?

Jenna: Are you happy? I mean, would you call yourself a happy man?

Cal: Well if you're asking me a serious question, I'll tell you: I'm happy enough. I don't expect much, I don't give much, I don't get much I'm generally enjoy whatever comes up. That's my truth, summed up for your feminine judgment. I'm happy enough.

Jenna: Well, Cal, it seems that I'm almost five months pregnant.

Cal: Yeah? And?

Jenna: And... I thought I should tell you.

Cal: Heck, I already knew that.

Jenna: You did?

Cal: Yeah. Heck, I thought everyone knew.

Jenna: Well who told you?

Cal: Nobody needed to tell me. I mean look at you. What, you think I thought you went and let yourself get fat? Truth is, as long as you can carry a tray and fill a pie tin I don't care if you give birth while doing it. Maybe I'm not such a bad guy after all?

Jenna: Maybe you're not such a bad guy after all.

Cal: Well get out there Jenna, get back to work, we've got customers!

Cal: And you, late again. You are inches away from being fired missy.

Becky: Oh just try firing me, you old bucket of cheese.

Cal: Who are you calling a bucket of cheese you heifer? Now get to work before I fire your ass!

Becky: Calm down, you psychotic ape!

Cal: Is this you breaking up with me? Well will you think about it for a minute?

Lanie: A minute just seems like a really long time to waste.

Lanie: I met a homeless guy and he had a vision.

Cal: What like Espn?

Lanie: No, he had ESP! There's no N.

Ben: [discussion about Bruce Willis] I suppose it took him a long time to grow it, he probably just wants to wait 'til the last minute.

Cal: That's what I thought last week, but after seeing him today, I got the sense this is going to be his "look", it's an artistic-choice...

Ben: The extra weight is too? It can't be.

Cal: It's a feeling.

Ben: Cal, we got the studio to pay him $20 million to be a leading man. For that kind of money there is an expectation.

Cal: They expect a good performance...

Ben: No, no, no no, Cal. For that kind of money they expect millions of menstruating women to want to have intercourse with him. You understand what I'm saying? You want a poster that says "See Santa Run"?

Cal: I've got gravitas out the wazoo.

Cal: How do you feel?

Mindy: I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.

National Guard Captain: You Wino?

Detective: Detective Sergeant Wino.

National Guard Captain: Yeah, okay. Where are the kids? What are they doing? Burning their draft cards? Huh? Rioting? Wearing that damn long hair? That's what really grinds me, that long hair.

Detective: Say, aren't you the barber from down on 3rd Street?

National Guard Captain: Yeah, that's right. You need a trim!

Detective: I was thinking of cutting my sideburns...

National Guard Captain: Yeah, we can style them. Why don't you come in and have a shampoo too? Say about four o'clock Monday, huh?

Detective: Monday's no good. How about Wednesday?

Cal: Can't you guys discuss the haircuts later? That thing's got Mindy!

National Guard Captain: Yeah, speaking of haircuts, ya punk...

National Guard Captain: [Schlock has kidnapped Mindy and is holding her in his arms] All right, men, let him have it!

Cal: No, hold it! You can't shoot while that thing's got Mindy!

National Guard Captain: Why not?

Cal: Bye Tess. Haunt me if you like. I don't mind.

Mother: You should say goodbye, Cal.

Cal: No.

Mother: Come on, love, it's important.

Cal: It might make her die.

Cal: Will I still be your brother when you're dead?

Tessa Scott: I'll still be around.

Cal: When Tessa dies, can we go on a holiday?

Cal: How's it working with her?

Hector: Gotta pay the bills.

Cal: When it gets that desperate, borrow from me.

Cal: Where's the Lord say that 'bout feedin' the hungry. What book?

Addie: I don't know. But if he didn't, he shoulda.

Regina Giddens: Cal, the grits is cold. Take it back.

Cal: Yes'm.

[runs back to the kitchen with the grits]

Cal: The grits didn't hold the heat! The grits didn't hold the heat!

Cal: Shut up, punk!

Sara: I don't want to disintegrate any graves.

Cal: Disintegrate. It's desecrate, ya idiot. It's a good thing you're hot.

Deke: When we started this band 20 years ago did you ever think we would be doing it this long?

Cal: Nooooo

Deke: What do you think we will be doing in 20 years?

Cal: I dunno

Cal: I would die for you.

Cal: What if we tied them up and had our way with them?

Cal: Did you ever hold a gun to someone's head while they were having sex?

Cal: I thought gamblers were supposed to be gentlemen.

John Oakhurst: Supposed to be. Actually, they're just gamblers.

Cal: I can't figure you out.

John Oakhurst: Maybe it's because I'm a gambler, not a crook.

Cal: You're no good, Ryker. Robbin' and killin'... that's all you know. I hate you, Ryder. I hate your guts.

Ryker: There was plenty of times when you didn't hate me.

Cal: Maybe I was too good hatin' myself.

Cal: You know, I've seen that old coot before somewhere, but I can't place him.

Lon: Who cares about the old coot? It was that girl that took my eye!

Steve: Yeah, well, it was that gun in the stranger's hand that took my eye. That's the only thing I was lookin' at.

[Billy gets the drop on Cal and his gang again]

Cal: You certainly go out of your way to look for trouble.

Billy Carson: It could be, but I haven't found any yet that bothered me.