Buck Quotes in Deadpool (2016)

Buck: [smacks Vanessa's rear] I'd hit that.

Wade Wilson: Buck, you best apologize before...

[Vanessa grabs Buck's groin]

Wade Wilson: Yeah, that.

Vanessa Carlysle: Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.

Buck: I'm sorry.

Wade Wilson: Breathe through the nose.

Buck: I don't have a filter between my brain and my...

[Vanessa grabs harder]

Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.

[the Bride drags Buck's head to the doorjam]

The Bride: [screams] Where's Bill?

[slam]

The Bride: Where's Bill?

[slam]

Buck: [weakly] Please stop hitting me...

The Bride: WHERE'S BILL?

[slam]

Buck: I-I don't know who Bill is!

The Bride: BULLSHIT!

[another slam; then she notices the words "BUCK" and "FUCK" tattooed on his knuckles, and suddenly has a flashback from her coma]

Buck: Well, ain't you the little slice of cutie pie they said you were. "Jane Doe," huh? Well, we don't know shit about you, huh? Well, I'm from Huntsville, Texas. My name is Buck, and I'm here to fuck, ha-ha-ha...

[back to the present]

The Bride: [gently] Your name is Buck, right?

[Buck's eyes widen]

The Bride: [getting angrier] And you came here to fuck, *right*?

Buck: Wait a minute... WAIT A MINUTE-!

[and with a scream of effort and one mighty slam, Buck is dispatched to the hereafter; she goes through his pockets and finds a large pair of sunglasses, puts them on, then finds a set of car keys with a keychain that says:]

The Bride: "Pussy Wagon." You *fucker*...

[one last slam]

[looking at the Bride in her coma]

Buck: Price is $75 a fuck, my friend. You getting your freak on, or what?

Trucker: Oh yeah, boy.

[gives Buck the money]

Buck: Now here are the rules. Rule Number One: no punching her. The nurse comes in tomorrow and she got a shiner or less some teeth, jig's up. So, no knuckle sandwiches under no circumstances. And by the way, this little cunt's a spitter. It's a motor-reflex thing. But spit or not, no punching. Now, are we absolutely, positively clear on Rule Number One?

Trucker: Yeah.

Buck: Good. Now, Rule Number Two: no monkey bites, and no hickeys. In fact, no leaving no marks of any kind on her. After that, it's all good, buddy. Now, her plumbing down there don't work no more, so feel free to come in her all you want. Keep the noise down, try not to make a mess. I'll be back in twenty.

[Buck starts to leave, but snaps his fingers and turns back]

Buck: Oh, shit! By the way, not every time but sometimes this chick's cooch will get drier than a bucket of sand. If she's dry, just lube up with this,

[tosses him a jar labeled "VasaLube"]

Buck: and you'll be good to go. Bon Appetite, good buddy.

Dodge Landon: Take your stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!

Caesar: NO!

Rodney: [looks at Caesar while he pulls the tranq-gun back and softly] Oh, my God.

Buck: [looks at Caesar and softly] Oh-oh-oh.

Caesar: [grunts and looks at the other apes who are screeching] NO!

Buck: [grunts]

Caesar: NO!

[jumps and walks along the cages]

Caesar: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

Dodge Landon: [groans]

Rodney: [gasping]

Manny: Buck, when exactly did you lose your mind?

Buck: [thinks a moment] Three months ago. I woke up a morning married to a pineapple... An "ugly" pineapple.

[sighs lovingly]

Buck: But I loved her...

Buck: Mammals, we have ourselves a crime scene. Tuff of fur. Half-eaten carcass. Hunk of... aaugh! No! Broccoli!

[almost throws up]

Buck: Here's what I think happened: dinosaur attacks Sid, Sid fights back with broccoli, leaving dinosaur... a vegetable!

Diego: Are you nuts? Sid's not violent. Or coordinated.

Manny: Yeah, and where's the dinosaur?

Buck: All right, good point. Theory two: Sid's eating broccoli, dinosaur eats Sid, dinosaur steps on broccoli, leaving broccoli... a vegetable!

Diego: [to Manny, about possibly staying] This is my kind of place.

Buck: [Pick up a rock like it's a cellphone] Hello? No... No I can't really talk right now... Going to retrive a dead sloth. No, I know. They're following ME! Yeah, and they think I'M crazy! O-Okay... We're going into the Chasm of Death, I'm going to lose you. Yeah. O-Okay.

[quietly]

Buck: I... I love you too. Goodbye... Goodbye!

[throws the rock aside]

Buck: Let's get a move on, shall we?

Manny: [to Diego] That'll be YOU in three weeks.

Eddie: So, why did they come up with the "Chasm of Death"?

Buck: We tried "The Big Smelly Crack" but people kept giggling.

Crash: What's that sound?

Buck: It's the wind. It's speaking to us.

Eddie: What's it saying?

Buck: I don't know. I don't speak wind.

Manny: [looking at Eddie & Crash singing] Are you crazy?

Diego: [lets go of his breath, in a squeaky voice] Its not poison!

[surprised by his voice, he laughs hysterically with Eddie & Crash]

Crash: [in a squeaky voice] That is Sooo Disturbing!

Buck: [from the other side] Stop laughing! All of you!

Crash: [in a squeaky voice, mimicking Bucks accent] Stop Laughing all of you!

[All laugh hysterically]

Manny: [in a squeaky voice, mimicking Bucks accent] Whats rule number 1?

[All laugh hysterically]

Ellie: They are just laughing, what's so bad about that?

Buck: They died laughing!

[points down the chasm at laughing skeletons of dinosaurs]

Ellie: [gasps] Stop laughing!

Manny: [in a squeaky voice] You know whats funny though? We are trying to save Sid, and now we are all gonna die!

[all laugh hysterically]

Eddie: [in a squeaky voice] And i don't even like Sid!

Crash: [in a squeaky voice] Who does? He's an idiot!

[All laugh hysterically]

Diego: [in a squeaky voice] Thats for getting me into this mess! Its the most fun i've had in years!

Manny: [in a squeaky voice] Thank YOU, for deserting the herd, that was totally SUPER!

[moment of silence and then they all laugh hysterically]

Manny: [All notice Buck above the cage trying to release it free and holding his breath, Manny begins to tickle him with his trunk] Coo chee Coo chee Coo!

Buck: [In a normal voice] Stop That!

[gasps]

Buck: Don't you see?

[in a squeaky voice]

Buck: We are all gonna die!

[All look at him and begin laughing hysterically including Buck]

Ellie: [on the other side] I gotta do everything huh?

[Ellie releases the rope and sets the cage loose]

Eddie: [in a squeaky voice] Sometimes, i wet my bed!

Crash: [in a squeaky voice] Thats alright, sometimes I wet your bed!

[All Laugh hysterically]

Manny: [the cage reaches the other side and everyone apart from Buck tumbles out breathing for air while laughing. In a normal voice] Uhhh, I'm not sure how much of that you could hear...?

Manny: Oh i heard all of it

Eddie: [to crash] You wet my bed?

Crash: That was just gas talk dude.

Buck: Rule no. 1: Always listen to Buck! Rule no. 2: stay in the middle of the trail; and rule no. 3:

[long pause]

Buck: he who has gas travels at the back of the pack

Buck: Let me tell you about the time I used a sharpened clam shell to turn a T-Rex into a T-Rachel.

Buck: What are you doing here?

Ellie: Our friend was taken by a dinosaur.

Buck: Well, he's dead. Welcome to my world. Now, go home. Off you pop!

Buck: The name's Buck. Short for Buckminster. Long for Buh.

Eddie: So, Why do they call it the Chasm of Death?

Buck: Well, We tried big smelly crack but uh, that just made everybody giggle!

Manny: Well now what?

Buck: [Buck pulls on a cord and a large ribcage on a vine appears] Madam...?

[gestures for Ellie to get on]

Manny: Whoa! She is not doing that!

Buck: Bup bup bup bup! Rule number 1...?

Eddie: Ooh ooh ooh!

[raises his hand in the air]

Buck: Ah! Come on mammoth! You're supposed to have a good memory!

Ellie: Always listen to Buck!

[walks onto the rib cage]

Buck: Now eyes forward, Back straight and

[quietly]

Buck: breath in the toxic fumes and you'll probably die.

Ellie: TOXIC FUMES?

Buck: Just another day in paradise!

[cuts the vine to release the rib cage]

Manny: Wait!

Buck: GERONIMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Manny: [moment of silence and then sees the empty ribcage move towards them] Ellie? You okay?

Ellie: [calling from the other side] You have to try this!

Buck: Alright! Now Pile on everyone! Couldn't be easier!

Buck: [the cage is stranded in the middle of the fumes] Don't panic! Just some uh technical Difficulties! Keep holding it in boys!

Eddie: [Stops holding his breath] I cant take it anymore!

Crash: He breathed it!

[gasps]

Crash: now I'm breathing it!

[crash & eddie make choking noises]

Eddie: [in a squeaky voice] Hey! We're not dead!

Crash: [in a squeaky voice] You sound ridiculous!

Eddie: [in a squeaky voice] Me? You should hear you!

[Both laugh hard]

Eddie: [in a squeaky voice] Alright Alright. and a one, and a two...

Crash, Eddie: [in a squeaky voice, singing] Christmas, Christmas time is near...

Buck: [Using dinosaur skulls like they're talking using his own voice]

[skull one]

Buck: They'll never survive. It's dangerous out there by day.

Buck: [skull two] And it's even worse at night.

Buck: [skull one] Plus, their guide is a lunatic.

Buck: [skull two] You mean Buck? He's wacko.

Buck: I am not!

Buck: [brings up another skull on his foot] And his feet smell.

Buck: Oh, shut up!

Buck: [skull on his foot] You shut up.

[Buck grabs his foot with the skull on it]

Manny: He's strangling his own foot.

Ellie: Maybe we should keep going.

Buck: [skull three] What? And give Rudy a midnight snack? Not likely.

Buck: The skull's right. Take a load off, Manny. We'll camp here for the night. Now, who's hungry?

Buck: [skull three] I am!

Buck: You don't need the calories.

Buck: [stopping Manny and the herd from moving on] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Whoa! What, you-you think this is some sort of tropical getaway? You can't protect your mate, mate. What are you gonna do with those-those flimsy tusks when you run into the Beast?

Crash: Wait. You mean there's something *bigger* than Mommy Dinosaur?

Buck: Aye.

Eddie: "Eye"?

Buck: Aye aye. He's the one that gave me *this*

[pointing to his missing eye, which is covered in a patch]

Eddie: Whoa. He gave you that patch?

Crash: For free? That's so cool.

Eddie: Yeah, maybe he'll give *us* one, too!

Manny: Well uh, We better get moving!

Diego: Aren't We forgetting something?

Buck: [Buck is sliding down the vine through the tocix fumes, in a squeaky voice] Here Rudy, Rudy, Rudy! HaHaHaHa Oh im so lonely!

Buck: [from trailer] Are you ready for adventure?

Crash, Eddie: Yes, sir!

Buck: For danger?

Crash, Eddie: Yes, sir!

Buck: For death?

Eddie: Uhh, can you repeat the question?

Ellie: [Talking about Sid being missing] This isn't your fault. It's bigger than both of us. We have to get Sid

Manny: Yeah. But if I have been a better friend to him... we wouldn't be here.

Buck: [interrupts] Better friend, Are you pluckin' my whiskers? You risked your life, your mate and your baby to save your buddy! Not the best husband or father... but a darn good friend!

Ellie: Manny! Pineapples!

Buck: Pineapples?

Manny: She gets cravings.

Ellie: Pomegrantes? Grapefruits! Nectarines?

Diego: She's ordering a fruit cocktail.

Ellie: Come on, think! Peaches!

Manny: Peaches? Peaches! The baby! What, what now?

Diego: This? Not good.

Manny: [Freaking out] The baby's coming!

[to Crash and Eddie]

Manny: Did you guys hear that? Cause sometimes I imagine it in my head, but...

Crash: Can you try to hold it in?

Ellie: Can somebody slap him for me?

Eddie: [Slaps Crash] Done and done.

Manny: Just sit tight. We're coming!

Buck: Hello Rudy!

Buck: The Buck stops here!

Ellie: [Manny and Diego are trapped by a meat-eating plant] That's it, I'm tearing that thing out through the root.

Buck: Do that, and it'll clamp shut forever.

Ellie: What?

Buck: Calm down, preggers. Don't get your trunk in a knot. I'll have them out of there before they're digested.

Manny: Digested?

Buck: They'll be nothing but bones in three minutes. Well, maybe five for the fat one.

Manny: I'm not fat!

Buck: Now then, eyes forward, back straight... oh, and breathe in the toxic fumes and you'll probably die.

Ellie: Toxic fumes?

Buck: Just another day in paradise!

Buck: There's only one thing to do. Possums, come with me. Manny, you stay and take care of her.

Manny: You can't leave now! She's off the trail! What about rule number two?

Buck: Rule number 5 says you can ignore rule number 2 if there's a female involved, or possibly a cute dog. You know, I just make up these rules as I go along.

Buck: We're hit! We're hit! Mayday! Mayday! We're losing altitude!

[Taps flying dinosaurs eyeball]

Buck: Hold these!

[Hands reins over to Crash & Eddie, and begins mouth to mouth on dinosaur]

Buck: Oh, tastes like fish.

Eddie: Okay. That's just weird. I love you, bro!

Crash: I know!

Buck: Snap out of it! Come on!

[Punches dinosaurs nostril; dinosaur wakes up]

Sid: [after being rescued by flying dinosaur] Help!

Eddie: [Looks over side of dinosaur] No, Sid, it's me!

Crash: [Looks over also] And me!

Buck: [Joins Crash & Eddie] And me!

Sid: Uh, I don't wanna panic anyone, but who's flying this thing?

Buck: Oops!

[Crashes into ice ceiling]

Buck: Grab that ammo!

Crash: [Using Eddie's tail as sling-shot] Bogey, three o'clock! Fire!

Eddie: This is awesome!

Crash: Light it up! Yeah!

Eddie: Hasta la vista, birdy!

Crash: Have you ever flown one of these before?

Buck: No. First time, actually.

Buck: It smells like a buzzard's butt fell off and was sprayed on by skunks.

Diego: That's Sid.

Buck: [after Manny and Diego get trapped in giant plant] It's time to get... Buckwild!

Buck: We're not alone, are we?

[Rudy appears and roars]

Buck: Hello, Rudy.

Buck: [Buck sees a large butterfly as it takes off] I knew that guy when he was a caterpillar, you know, before he came out.

Buck: Pop goes the weasel!

Manny: [after listening to Buck's dream] That's bullshit. You're not gonna do nothin' like that. I'll tell you what you gonna do. You gonna get a job. That's what you gonna do. You're gonna get a little job. Some job a convict can get, like scraping off trays in a cafeteria. Or cleaning out toilets. And you're gonna hold onto that job like gold. Because it is gold. Let me tell you, Jack, that is gold. You listenin' to me? And when that man walks in at the end of the day. And he comes to see how you done, you ain't gonna look in his eyes. You gonna look at the floor. Because you don't want to see that fear in his eyes when you jump up & grab his face, and slam him to the floor, and make him scream & cry for his life. So you look right at the floor, Jack. Pay attention to what I'm sayin', motherfucker! And then he's gonna look around the room - see how you done. And he's gonna say "Oh, you missed a little spot over there. Jeez, you didn't get this one here. What about this little bitty spot?" And you're gonna suck all that pain inside you, and you're gonna clean that spot. And you're gonna clean that spot. Until you get that shiny clean. And on Friday, you pick up your paycheck. And if you could do that, if you could do that, you could be president of Chase Manhattan... corporations! If you could do that.

Buck: Not me, man! I wouldn't do that kind of shit. I'd rather be in fuckin' jail.

Manny: More's the pity, youngster. More's the pity.

Buck: Could you do that kind of shit?

Manny: I wish I could.

Sara: Hold me. I don't want to die alone.

Buck: We gonna be all right.

Sara: Yeah.

Buck: We gonna be fine.

Manny: Ha,ha. We all die alone.

Buck: [while running behind Manny through the tundra] Manny, I don't wanna die!

Manny: I'm hurtin' too!

Buck: At least you got shoes!

Manny: [Buck bangs on a locked locker, making noise] Freeze, Sucker!

Buck: Hey man, nobody's going to hear us.

Manny: Just don't do it.

Buck: [Buck points his finger at Manny] Hey Manny, You don't treat me like your punk, OK.

Buck: Cause I'm a goddamned college graduate!

Buck: I'm a college graduate. I used to play college ball.

Buck: Get out your card decks and backgammon boards, lucky Buck is back!

Buck: Very ballsy.

Wilma: What?

Buck: Never mind.

Buck: Fine. Your place or mine?

Wilma: What was that? What did you say?

Buck: Just joking.

Buck: Well, I'm scheduled for execution and if I miss it, I could be in a lot of trouble.

Princess Ardala: [Buck starts dancing at Ardala's reception] What are you doing?

Buck: It's called gettin' down. It's a little before your time, if it frightens you.

Princess Ardala: Nothing frightens me.

Wilma: I confess I thought the Princess had you beguiled!

Buck: Well, she did have the nicest set of horns at the ball!

Dr. Theopolis: Yes - it was an attractive hat!

[last lines]

[Buck sees Ardala's shuttle escaping, Twiki turns to see]

Buck: Twiki, eyes forward, you'll get starsick!

Twiki: [Buck turns him around] Buck, you're my kind of guy!

Buck: It's the police!

Pete Schroeder: It's the police!

Det. Steve Carella: Who the hell is that?

Det. Bert Kling: It's the police.

Det. Steve Carella: What police? We're the police!

Buck: [from trailer] Oh, hello mammals!

Buck: [Buck, Gavin, Gertie and Roger crash into the snow] The weasel has landed.

Buck: The mother of all asteroids, screaming towards us. But I got a plan! Who's with me?

Crash, Eddie: Crash and Eddie reporting for duty!

Eddie: Haha! "Doody".

[He and Crash laugh]

Buck: Try not to make any friction.

Eddie: No friction. Got it.

[Pull back to show Crash and Eddie rubbing their feet on Manny's fur]

Crash: Cool beans. What exactly is friction?

Shira: [about Buck] Wait, this half a snack is a dinosaur whisperer?

Buck: [Holds her paw] And expert Salsa dancer

[Begins dancing around her]

[the English garrison are all bewildered to see the French, under Jeanne's direction, wheeling the siege tower towards the wall - backwards]

Redbeard: What the fuck is she playing at?

[From the inner keep, Buck sees the tower approaching, and starts to laugh]

Glasdale: Crazy bitch. She doesn't even know how to use it.

[as the tower nears the ditch, Buck stops laughing, realizing what's about to happen. The tower topples into the ditch... ]

Redbeard: Oh, my God!

[He turns and runs as the tower smashes down the drawbridge, throwing the outer wall wide open and forming a perfect bridge over the ditch]

Glasdale: FUCK! CLOSE THE DOORS!

Buck: [panicking] Close the doors!

Redbeard: Captain! Captain!

[the doors to the inner keep are shut, trapping Redbeard outside, as the French stream into the fortress]

[Mrs. Mallory, a passenger, has just given birth]

Buck: Hey, Curly, do you think I oughta charge Mrs. Mallory's baby half fare?

Buck: If I was you, I'd let them shoot it out.

Marshal Curly Wilcox: Let who?

Buck: Luke Plummer and the Kid. There would be a lot more peace in this territory if that Luke Plummer had so many holes in him he couldn't hold his liquor.

Buck: If there's anything I don't like, it's driving a stagecoach through Apache country.

Buck: Well all I gotta say is, that he better stay away from that there Luke Plummer. By gosh, Luke's run all'a Ringo's friends outta Lordsburg. Why the last trip there I seen him hit a rancher on the head with the barrel of his gun and, well he just laid it wide open like a butchered steer.

Buck: Mr. Jackson, sir, My name is Buck. And whilst you're here at Grangerford Manor, I will be your personal manservant and valet.

Buck: Which way are you ridin', Preacher?

The Preacher: Well, that's not exactly settled in my mind yet.

Buck: Well, you got three possibilities.

The Preacher: Oh?

Buck: North, south or east.

The Preacher: What happened to west?

Buck: We're going west.

The Preacher: Plan on taking all 8?

Buck: Three of 'em upstairs.

Buck: [Charges into the gambling room, kicks down the door, and shoots the men with his double barrel pistols shouting] I'm Buck!

The Preacher: Buck, you're just one man.

Buck: But I gave them my word.

Buck: $157! They drunk up and screwed away more than $1,000!

The Preacher: That's a lot of drinkin'.

The Preacher: Where are you gonna find that money?

Buck: I don't know.

The Preacher: If it was me, I'd look for money where money's kept. Like in a bank or an express office.

Buck: Hey! Jump back, kiss myself!

Buck: Say, girls... got milk?

Buck: It's hero time.

Buck: Rusty! Rico's saddle! I'm wearing Rico's saddle! I'm wearing Rico's saddle!

Rusty, the Dog: Great, I'll leave you two alone.

Buck: So long, sucker! He must be taking stupid lessons from that buffalo.

[Junior the buffalo snorts down Buck's neck]

Buck: Uh-oh.

Buck: You think you got the drop on me? Well, think again!

Buck: You got something you wanna say to me?

Mike Rogers: Go sit down, Buck.

Buck: You boys wanna remedy this, we can step outside right now.

David Whitlock: [jumps up from his seat] You got kiddin' me, you fat piece of shit!

Miles: Where do you live?

Buck: In the city.

Miles: You have a house?

Buck: Apartment.

Miles: Own or rent?

Buck: Rent.

Miles: What do you do for a living?

Buck: Lots of things.

Miles: Where's your office?

Buck: I don't have one.

Miles: How come?

Buck: I don't need one.

Miles: Where's your wife?

Buck: Don't have one.

Miles: How come?

Buck: It's a long story.

Miles: You have kids?

Buck: No I don't.

Miles: How come?

Buck: It's an even longer story.

Miles: Are you my dad's brother?

Buck: What's your record for consecutive questions asked?

Miles: 38.

Buck: I'm your dad's brother alright.

[Buck's beat up old car pulls up]

Bug: [sarcastic] Ever hear of a tune up? Hee hee hee hee hee.

Buck: [also sarcastic] Ah, heh heh heh. Ever hear of a ritual killing? Ah, heh heh heh heh heh!

Bug: I don't get it.

Buck: [serious tone] You gnaw on her face in public like that again and you'll be one. Ah, heh heh heh heh!

Buck: Well, well, well, they certainly are scraping the bottom of the barrel for cheerleaders these days.

Tia: What are you doing here?

Buck: We were just driving by to get some ice cream. Thought you might like to join us.

Tia: I said I would be home at 10. It's not even 9!

Buck: Who said anything about that? I thought you might like to join us for some ice cream. Maybe your Bug here can join us. We can talk about burying the hatchet. You know what a hatchet is, don't you, Bug?

Bug: It's an ax?

Buck: Sort of, yeah, yeah. I got one in my car if you'd like to see it.

Bug: [getting scared] I'll pass.

Buck: Fair enough. I like to carry it, you never know when you're going to need it. A situation may come up say for example, someone has been drinking, and about to drive a loved one home... then I'd like to know I have it. Not to kill, no. Just to maim. Take a little off the shoulder. Swish! The elbow. Slash! Shave a little meat off the old kneecap. Fowap! Ooooo! You got both kneecaps? I like to keep mine razor sharp. Sharp enough you can shave with it. Why I've been known to circumcise a gnat. You're not a gnat are you, Bug? Wait a minute, bug, gnat. Is there a little similarity? Whoa, I think there is! Ha ha ha. You understand what I'm talking about? I don't think you do. I'll be right back. Heh heh heh heh.

[walks away]

Tia: I'm sorry.

Bug: Look, I think you'd better split. I don't exactly want him to go berserk with an ax on me.

Tia: He's all talk.

[Buck pulls out a small hatchet from his car]

Buck: Here it is! Come over, come on, I want to show it to you. Maybe later. Okay.

Miles: You have much more hair in your nose than my dad.

Buck: How nice of you to notice.

Miles: I'm a kid that's my job.

Buck: The guy's a predator and you're his prey.

Tia: Really?

Buck: You bet.

Tia: And how would you know?

Buck: When I was his age, I was a guy zooming girls like you. Pretty face, good chip on your shoulder.

Tia: I recommend you stay out of my personal life!

Buck: Do your parents stay out of your personal life?

Tia: They don't know my personal life.

Buck: Have they met twiddle-dink?

Tia: His name is Bug.

Buck: [chuckles] First or last?

Tia: First!

Buck: What's his last name, Spray?

Tia: You should talk, Buck!

Buck: Did you brush your teeth?

Miles: Yeah. You can even feel my toothbrush.

Buck: You know, I have a friend who works at the crime lab at the police station. I could give him your toothbrush and he could run a test on it. To see if you actually brushed your teeth or just ran your toothbrush under the faucet.

[Miles imagines hearing sirens, Buck leaves]

Maisy Russell: If that's true, we're gonna really have to start brushing our teeth.

Buck: [is trying to make Tia go out bowling with him] We've done the battle of the wills. The deck's stacked in my favor. You're just gonna lose again.

Tia: Try me.

Buck: How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out-of-work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? See you in the car.

Buck: What, did you have a few drinks this morning? Huh? Yeah, I think you did.

Pooter-the-Clown: What are you? Mother Cabrini? You never touch the stuff?

Buck: No, no. It's just that I wouldn't be drinking if I was going to entertain some kids. You know?

Pooter-the-Clown: I don't have to take this shit from you. You know who I am? In the field of local-live-home entertainment, I'm a god!

Buck: Get in your mouse, and get out of here.

Pooter-the-Clown: Hey, you, let me tell you something you low-life-lying-four-flushing-sack-of-shit.

[Buck punches him, gets back up like an inflatable clown, Pooter groans, Buck punches him again]

Buck: What time do you want me to pick you up after school?

Tia: Don't bother! I'll get a ride with friends

Buck: No, I have my orders. What time?

Tia: Are you really this stupid? I said I would get a ride. I always get a ride.

Buck: Hey, I'll just call the school, find out what time, and meet you right here.

Tia: Go ahead, call the school. I won't be here.

Buck: Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and walk you to your first class. 4:00 okay?

Buck: [struggling to open the washing machine] Do I have to talk dirty to you? Come on! Open up for daddy! I'm gonna shove a load into you! Here we go! Come on, it's nice and easy. Aaah! Come on, here we go! Ah! Take that! Take that! Come on! You don't want the crowbar, do you? Come on! Open up! Ugh! I'm gonna shove my load into you whether you like it or not!

Buck: [struggles to pick a hissing, fighting cat up out of the bushes] Come on.

[takes it into the house]

Buck: Hey who left the cat out?

Maisey Russell: We don't have a cat.

Buck: [takes the cat back out] Shoo.

Tia: Uncle Buck?

Buck: Yeah?

Tia: Got a minute?

Buck: I got lots of minutes.

Tia: Now that everything's okay with my grandfather, I want to go out tomorrow night.

Buck: You can go crazy after I leave. Until then, I'm not letting you out.

Tia: [getting angry] You just can't find any way to be cool can you?

Buck: You mean easy? No.

Tia: I mean decent!

Buck: You mean blind!

Tia: Who are you trying to score points with? My parents? How many times have they had you over here since we moved? Try none until they went up Shit Creek and got stuck!

Buck: [looking frustrated] Get used on your parents' time.

Buck: You know there's uh, one family charity case who loves you very much.

Tia: [crying] I'm sorry.

Buck: Hey, come on. Nothing to be sorry about. I'm just glad I got a chance to know you again.

Tia: Do have any idea how embarrassing this is? You driving me up to my school where everyone can see you? I can't believe I'm related to you.

Buck: You just get that big stick out of your keester young lady, and we'll get along just fine.

Tia: Can I ask you a personal question?

Buck: Sure.

Tia: Did you ever have anyone embarrass you like this?

[a very long pause as Buck glances up, then down, and side to side trying to remember and contemplating Tia's question until he makes eye contact with her again]

Buck: No.

Buck: Hey, I stopped smoking cigarettes.

Cindy Russell: Oh, good.

Buck: Isn't that something? I'm on to cigars now. I'm on to a five-year plan. I eliminated cigarettes, then I go to cigars, then I go to pipes, then I go to chewing tobacco, then I'm on to that nicotine gum.

Buck: [into the phone] Hey, Bobby we should really get together sometime. I haven't been over at the new house since you moved. By the way, I want to apologize for last year at your old house about those bushes. I had no idea they all would catch on fire like that. You were right. I should never have put the barbeque grill that close.

[Chanice is listening to an answering machine message from Buck]

Buck: I think about those two little dimples on your buns. Hahaha.

Chanice Kobolowski: Dimples!

Buck: What do we call them? One, one was on the right was Lyndon and left was.

Chanice Kobolowski: It's Johnson.

Buck: Johnson.

[Chanice laughs]

Buck: And then there was your boobs we did. Now, your boobs were Minnie and Mickey, I remember that because of Disney World. And Felix! Felix is what we called your.

[cut to the next scene, where a cat meows loudly]

Buck: Art Linkletter was right. Kids do say the God damndest things.

Buck: [while flipping a huge pancake] Here's where we separate the men from the boys.

Party Guest: I wouldn't go in there with that hat

Buck: Thanks for the tip!

Buck: Zoe... I'm sorry I never ate your pussy. I'm gonna go back and eat all of it one day.

Zoe: It's okay, baby. We're going to get out of here, okay?

Buck: It just smells so bad down there...

Buck: I've never seen a real beaver before up close.

Zoe: Well, maybe you should try going down on me once in a while, Buck.

Dorothy: Where's the groom-to-be?

Karen: He's not here yet.

Dorothy: You know Paul, he always comes a little late.

Buck: What do you think of that, Kenny?

Ken: So, Buck, are you a duffer?

Buck: Well, if you mean do I like playing with my balls, the answer's yes.

Dorothy: These are going to be our in-laws, so we really have to make sure that...

Buck: Honey, I'm a pants salesman. I think I know how to act around people.

Buck: So Kenny, what do you think of the condo?

Ken: [struggling to be tactful] It's great... it's got a lot of... character.

Buck: When I gave up the bachelor pad, I said to Dorothy, I'll move in with you under one condition: it's gotta reflect my style.

[proudly points to huge painting of John Wayne]

Buck: The Duke... signed by the artist!

Wendy Worthington: Is it possible for you to be any dumber?

Buck: I-I don't see how.

Wendy Worthington: You'll take care of me, won't you Buck?

Buck: Of course I will. I'm very muscular.

Hedy: Do you think that when we die, we have to wear the clothes we died in for all of eternity?

Buck: No way. I bet we get those kickin' white robes like you see in the old cartoons.

Hedy: I look awful in white. Maybe Emma would let me borrow some sweats.

Buck: I bet you get a sweet-ass harp too.

Hedy: Hmmmm...

[scoffs]

Hedy: Do you have any idea how many human beings are estimated to have lived and died on Earth throughout all of time?

Buck: I have absolutely no idea.

Hedy: 106 billion.

Buck: Wow.

Hedy: Yeah. So what you're saying is that when we die we're going to a place where 106 billion people are sitting around playing the harp. That would be really fucking annoying.

Buck: Was all of it for nothing? Say, they didn't accept me, the psychiatrist said no, and that's it. What do I do now? Please, tell me, what now!?

Buck: [Calling his intended victim] I called to see if you were home, I have to kill you tonight.

Buck: Dad's gonna haul our asses when we get back!

Conrad "Con" Jarrett: I don't think it's so goddamned funny

The President: How did you get to be a translator, Buck? You don't seem the academic type.

Buck: [nervously] I guess I have a talent for languages, sir. I hear a language once I pick it right up. I don't even know how. They found out about it in the Army.

The President: You sound sorry they did.

Buck: No, sir. It's a very interesting job.

[pauses]

Buck: That is, most of the time.

The President: Well, you did a good job today, Buck.

Buck: Thank you, sir. All I did was repeat what he said.

The President: You didn't freeze up. Another man might have.

Buck: You're the one who didn't, sir.

The President: I wonder what it's like outside? Looked like rain before.

Buck: The radio said it would clear by the afternoon.

Buck: [to Cay regarding her number of female visitors] How you get all that traffic with no equipment is beyond me!

[Taggert is looking for the disabled bus]

Taggert: Are there any landmarks nearby? What are you close to?

Buck: I'm close to pissing my fuckin' pants!

Buck: Two classes of people? What, the "will be eaten" and the "won't be eaten"?

Jack Taggart, Jr.: Are you still there?

Buck: I'm so fucking still here!

Jack Taggart, Jr.: Okay. Okay. Just say again what you just told me.

Buck: We're not playing games here, alright?

Jack Taggart, Jr.: Just say it man!

Buck: We are trapped in a broken down school bus out on East 9. And something is going to kill us if we don't get help out here right away!

Jonny Young: You gotta be...

Buck: ...fucking kidding me.

Buck: Name's Buck... and I'm rarin' to fuck.

Buck: Get the hell out of my town!

Buck: We are NOT cannibals!

Weasel: You kill and eat people - you ARE a cannibal!

Buck: What this country needs is less ventilation and more smoke!

Joan Prentice: [Seeing Jerry being carried in] Buck, is he hurt?

Buck: Oh, he's still alive, but a couple of bottles of scotch are dead.

Dr. Bill Capa: [about Bob's murder] He was locking up here late Friday night.

Sondra Dorio: Here?

Dr. Bill Capa: Yes, right here in the office.

Buck: Was he shot, stabbed, beaten? Have they got a suspect? A motive? Three days go by and you don't call us?

Dr. Bill Capa: I thought it'd be easier if you heard it together.

Casey Heinz: Oh, I see. So even Bob's death is group therapy. That's great.

[looks skyward]

Casey Heinz: Hey, Bob, thanks for giving us a chance to grieve together. Shit!

Casey Heinz: [Discussing bob's murder] It wasn't a thief. I'll tell you that right now.

Clark: I agree.

Casey Heinz: I mean why stab a guy thirty times? Bob, he'd piss in his pants if you showed him a knife. You know that?

Sondra Dorio: What are you saying?

Casey Heinz: I'm saying Sondra, that you have to really hate a person to stab him that many times.

Casey Heinz: [to Bill] You're a shrink, right? You know what kind of power people hand over to shrinks. Well, maybe sometimes they hand over more than they want too!

Clark: That is absolutely correct. A thief would not stick around to stab someone thirty times!

Buck: Since when did you become such an expert on robbery?

Sondra Dorio: It's not the robbery he's an expert on. It's the rage!

Dr. Bill Capa: Six weeks ago, I spoke harshly to a patient and she committed suicide. Right in front of me. Perhaps she would have done this anyway. That's what my colleagues say. But I don't know.

Sondra Dorio: Oh, I'm so sorry.

Dr. Bill Capa: And my patient, her name was Michelle, jumped out of a window in my office.

Clark: Oh.

Dr. Bill Capa: So much blood. So red, and I... and right, uh, before my eyes the red, uh, disappeared. Just turned to gray, and so I don't see... red now. But, see, I was her doctor. And I failed. So I cannot help you. I don't think that you want someone like me around right now.

Buck: I think I do.

Richie: Me too.

Casey Heinz: Why don't you give us a try for a month?