Bruno Quotes in Armed and Dangerous (1986)

Bruno: Pay attention fat boy! It's canine control. You got it?

Frank Dooley: Daaahhh, I think so.

Bruno: Don't be a smart ass Dooley!

Pluto Nash: So how's it going with you and Babbet?

Bruno: Me and Babbet? I don't think that's going to happen. I found out that I'm 110 volts and she's a 220.

Pluto Nash: Just go to the hardware store and get an adaptor.

Bruno: Nah. That just ruins it for me.

Mogan: Hey Bruno. What are you? A 65?

Bruno: Model 63. Deluxe.

Kelp: 63? Talk about ancient.

Bruno: Your sister didn't seem to mind.

Frankie Delano: You ever read this book?

Bruno: Have I ever read that book? Not only does that insult my intelligence but it insults my ignorance. Why would a man like me, who happens to like himself, be caught dead reading a bit of boy toy fluff like that?

Frankie Delano: Because it's a killer.

Gus Cardinale: Bruno, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.

Bruno: Don't worry, there's plenty of more where that came from...

Ralph: [motioning to the mess in his apartment] My maid died.

Bruno: [smelling the air] Must've died in here.

June Daley: What did you do to my living room?

Bruno: The same thing you did to your bedroom.

Gus Cardinale: Bruno, I'm sorry for everything mankind has ever done to you!

Bruno: That's all right... I'm sure they didn't mean it.

Shopkeeper: [as bikers become rowdy] Ahem! Will there be anything else?

Funky: [to Bruno] Will there be anything else?

Bruno: Will there *be* anything *else*

Whole biker gang: [begins chanting loudly] Anything else! Anything else! Anything else!

Bruno: One day I'll beat you kids at fishin'! One day I'll beat you good! You and your secret formula.....

Bruno: Thank you my brother, how much I owe you?

Motorcycle Driver: Don't worry, it's fine.

Bruno: No way you gave me a service, tell me how much I owe you?

Motorcycle Driver: If I feed my family with that God will punish me. It's fine.

Bruno: Thank you

Bruno: I think that I know you.

Gregorio Brown: You know all Haitians, all of us look alike.

Bruno: No problem, bro, take your peso, and I take my mints. Because now you pay with mints, I take my mints. I pay you in currency, you give me back the change in mints, no problem. Next week I'm gonna come with a truck full of mints and I'm gonna unload them right here, and you'll collect them. About the change, you'll store it here. Because this is our new currency, right? Mints. Look, the 3 Founding Mints: Duarte, Sánchez and Mint.

Bruno: My daughter will study at this university, even if I have to sell puppies at every traffic light!

[Lucas walks into the school shower with the other football jocks]

Bruno: Hey, Leukoplakia. They got a jockstrap that can fit you? Hey, maybe one of you guys should stop by sewing class and pick up a thimble, Lucas here needs a jockstrap. Or maybe a thimble would be too big. Hey, anybody got a contact lens? A contact lens with a Band-Aid.

Lucas: Are you referring to the size of my penis?

Bruno: Yeah I am.

Lucas: With a flaccid penis, it's the number of folds that count. And anyway, I don't get semi-erect around other males like some of you fellas do.

Bruno: What'd you say?

Lucas: It's a study done by the University of Illinois. You can tell the fags in a warm shower by who's got the longest dong. Look, yours seems to be growing even now.

Bruno: The hell it is.

Lucas: [Lucas points] It is, look.

Spike: Hey, look. He's getting a hard-on. Don't nobody bend over to pick up the soap.

Bruno: You little shit.

Lucas: Oh. They say physical violence is an expression of sexual feeling.

[Bruno and Spike charge Lucas and carry him with the rest of the football players]

[Lucas and Ben run into Bruno, the bully football player while in the theater lobby]

Bruno: So, what do you guys say? You coming out for the football team or not? We're trying to find you a jersey, but we're all out of pup tents.

Ben: You should talk, shit breath.

Bruno: Luke, Luke! Get that ball away and puke! Ben and Luke! I'm going to puke!

Lucas: Let's go...

Ben: Don't let him scare you away!

Lucas: Scare me away?

Ben: Yeah, just tell him to eat shit.

[last lines]

Bruno: [Lucas returns to school and a few of the football players and Lucas's closest friends wait for him in the hallway of his locker] Here he is.

[Lucas opens his locker to find a football jacket with the name Lucas on it, as everyone begins to clap in unison]

Maggie: Try it on, Lucas!

Kid in Hallway: Try it on, Luke!

Bruno: [Lucas puts on the jacket] All right, Lucas!

Ben: [Ben films Lucas on his camera] All right, Lucas! Way to go!

Kids in Hallway: [the students all begin to cheer the name Lucas] Lucas! Lucas! Lucas! Lucas! Lucas! Lucas!

Bruno: All right!

[Lucas throws his arms up]

[Lucas and Ben stand up to Bruno in the theater lobby]

Cappie: Hey, what's going on?

Bruno: Hey, this kid is mouthing off to me.

Cappie: Come on, let's go.

Bruno: Hey, wait a second.

Cappie: Hey, what's the point?

Bruno: Hey, I'm kidding around, and this fat little marshmallow opens his mouth to me.

Cappie: Don't worry about it. Let's go see a movie.

Bruno: You better watch your mouth fat boy.

[grabs Lucas by the neck]

Bruno: Learn to be like Lucas here, he's smart, not like you.

Ben: He's scared, not like me.

Bruno: Oh, yeah?

Ben: Yeah.

Bruno: You know, you're asking for it.

Lucas: Well, so are you!

Bruno: What'd you say?

Lucas: You heard me.

Bruno: You know, maybe you boys would like to step outside.

Angie: Bruno, let's go.

Bruno: No, I think I have to settle this.

Angie: Well, I came to see a movie.

Cappie: So did I.

Lucas: [Lucas gets in Bruno's face] Yeah, but not King Kong.

Cappie: Come on, settle down.

Angie: No fights, I mean it.

Cappie: I'd listen to the lady.

Bruno: You know if I was you, I wouldn't stick around to see the movie. You understand me, Leukoplakia? I'm gonna be looking for you guys afterwards.

Cappie: No you won't.

Bruno: The hell I won't?

Cappie: They're gonna be with me afterwards.

Bruno: Oh yeah.

Cappie: Yeah we're going out to eat.

Bruno: Why are you always sticking up for this wimp for?

Cappie: Why you always picking on him for?

Brüno: Look at the four of us; we are so like the Sex in the City girls!

Donny: Oh no, we aren't either!

Brüno: Which one are you, Donny?

Donny: I ain't any one of them, I'm Donny.

Brüno: That is such a Samantha thing to say!

Brüno: [standing naked outside of tent] Donny, let me in your tent. A bear stole all of my clothes... except for these condoms.

Brüno: I am going to be the biggest Austrian celebrity since Hitler.

Brüno: So you were never gay?

Pastor Jody Trautwein: [shakes head] Mh-mh.

Brüno: It's ironic that you should have amazing blowjob lips.

Pastor Jody Trautwein: These-these lips were made to praise Jesus.

Ron Paul: [after Brüno drops his pants] All right, get out of here! This is ended.

Ron Paul: [later, in the hallway] That guy's queerer than the blazes. He took his clothes off. Let's get goin'. He's queer, he's crazy, he put a hit on me and took his clothes off.

Brüno: [narrating] I couldn't even schtupp RuPaul.

Brüno: Can I give you guys a word of advice? Lose the beards, because your King Osama looks like a kind of dirty wizard... or a homeless Santa.

Brüno: There's a lot of African Americans in Africa!

African-American Lady: No! There's a lot of Africans in Africa!

Brüno: That's racist!

Drill Sergeant: Your finger's in my alley.

Brüno: Not yet.

Lutz: Because I think that... you're amazing.

Brüno: Am I going to wake up to find you masturbating over me?

Lutz: I promise not to wake you.

Brüno: Ich was going to become famous by solving a world problem! But which one? Clooney's got Darfur, Sting's got the Amazon, and Bono's got AIDS! Luckily, there was still one shithole left to fix: the Middle Earth.

Brüno: How do you protect yourself from a dildo?

Brüno: [about the baby in his arms] I swapped him.

African-American Lady: Swapped the baby for what?

Brüno: For an iPod.

Elton John: [singing] War's just based on hate and fear / Stop fighting, North and South Korea.

Brüno: [singing] You're both basically Chinese.

Chris Martin: [singing] He's Brüno, dove of peace.

Snoop Dogg: [rapping] Hey, yo Brüno, where the bitches at?

Brüno: I wouldn't want to wake up and find that I'm torn in my arschenholer.

Brüno: We have chosen your baby to be dressed as a Nazi Officer, pushing a wheelbarrow, with a Jewish baby, into an oven!

Brüno: [referring to a woman's breasts] You must produce a lot of milk.

TV Host: What's the baby's name?

Brüno: I gave him like a traditional African name: O.J.

African-American Lady: WHAT?

Brüno: [about his baby, O.J] I've gotta be honest: he's a real dick magnet.

Brüno: Look me in the eye.

Angry Swinger: This is a fuckin' swingers' party. OK? If you don't want pussy, if you don't want fuckin'... then quit fuckin' touching me and quit looking at me. I definitely ain't lookin' at you in the eye. OK? I didn't come here for no fuckin' queer shit, OK? I know what you're doin'.

National Guard Officer: What type of belt is that, candidate? What is that?

Brüno: D and G.

National Guard Officer: What is D and G?

Brüno: Dolce and Gabbana, hello.

National Guard Officer: By the way, where's your uniform? Go get your uniform on. Do it!

Brüno: [Brüno returns with a scarf on]

National Guard Officer: Oh my god. What's up with the scarf?

Brüno: That is like... it's my own...

National Guard Officer: [Interrupts] Let me introduce you to somebody. Captain Miles!

Captain Miles: [Walks towards Brüno] Candidate, what are you doing? Stand into position of attention, candidate!

National Guard Officer: Do it!

Captain Miles: Head and eyes straight forwards, candidate!

National Guard Officer: Do it!

Captain Miles: Head and eyes straight forward!

National Guard Officer: Do it!

Captain Miles: Stand still, candidate!

National Guard Officer: Do it!

Captain Miles: That is not part of the uniform, candidate. You need to take that off.

Brüno: This outfit is to matchy-matchy as it is. And so I was just trying to break it up with some simple horizontal lines.

Captain Miles: Do you have an attitude, candidate?

Brüno: No but, sir...!

National Guard Officer: I think we do...

Brüno: Sir, she's got an attitude!

National Guard Officer: Not sir, officer candidate!

Captain Miles: What?

National Guard Officer: Did you just call me a she? Get down!

Brüno: It's just this bear took my clothes. He took everything apart from these condoms.

Brüno: [after eating numerous pieces of pie] I'm committing carbicide.

Brüno: Looking up at the stars makes me think of all the hot guys in the world.

PR Consultant: Is there something that you, like, that you believe in, like...

Brüno: Well, I'm really into issues.

PR Consultant: Yeah. Global warming's only getting worse, so...

Brüno: Great!

PR Consultant: That would be, that's something to get involved now, so... we can just help East, uh, Africa in order to help for our future in order for everyone... that's a beneficial thing to be involved with now.

Dominatrix: What is this? You're gonna dress me like a man?

Brüno: No, it's just a beard.

Brüno: So... if they are nice they are gay, right?

Bruno: Isn't there anybody you can call at 3 a.m. in case you have a big problem?

François: I don't have any big problem.

Bruno: Yes, you have one, you can't call anybody at 3 a.m.!

Bruno: Same old story. You meet people, get close to them... then they're gone. Friendship is a myth.

François: Look who's talking! You make friends with everyone.

Bruno: Everyone's the same as nobody. Believe me, we're always alone.

Bruno: Are you married?

François: I am. But she isn't so much any more!

Bruno: I owe this guy from 3 years ago. I took my kid to the hospital, all bruised up. Fuckers thought I'd beat up on him. This guy tells the cops it wasn't me, my kid's a haemophiliac. As long as he needs us, we're there, okay?

Bruno: My theory is that everyone is a potential murderer.

Bruno: I have the perfect weapon right here: these two hands.

Bruno: Only fuckers work.

Bruno: Did you fart?

Thomas: No.

[Bruno laughs, walks away smelling something in the air]

Thomas: Must be the school's food.

Bruno: There. I didn't hit you this time. Little cunt.

Nathalie: You fake beggar!

Bruno: What was that?

Nathalie: I never swallowed your "abandoned baby" crap.

Bruno: Well, I did sleep under the stairs. And my mother... she took off, understand?

Nathalie: What about the orphanage?

Nathalie: What are you going to do?

Bruno: Shut your trap!

[smacks her face]

Bruno: If they want to kill me, they're going to have to rape me first.

Bruno: In ancient Persia, whenever an artist created something, he would include a flaw on purpose, because only the gods are supposed to be perfect. And, so today we introduce a flaw into something that would otherwise be perfect, and we say it is so as not to offend the gods.

Shmuel: I wish you'd remembered the chocolate.

Bruno: Yes, I'm sorry. I know! Perhaps you can come and have supper with us sometime.

Shmuel: I can't, can I? Because of this.

[points the electric fence]

Bruno: But that's to stop the animals getting out, isn't it?

Shmuel: Animals? No, it's to stop people getting out.

Bruno: Are you not allowed out? Why? What have you done?

Shmuel: I'm a Jew.

Bruno: We're not supposed to be friends, you and me. We're meant to be enemies. Did you know that?

Bruno: There is such thing as a nice Jew, though, isn't there?

Herr Liszt: I think, Bruno, if you ever found a nice Jew, you would be the best explorer in the world.

Bruno: I'm Bruno.

Shmuel: Shmuel.

Bruno: Sorry?

Shmuel: I'm Shmuel.

Bruno: That's your name? I've never heard of anyone called that before.

Shmuel: I've never heard of anyone called Bruno.

Bruno: Shmuel? No one's called Shmuel.

Bruno: Why do you wear pajamas all day?

Shmuel: The soldiers. They took all our clothes away.

Bruno: My dad's a soldier, but not the sort that takes people's clothes away.

Bruno: Shmuel. Can we go to the café or something?

Shmuel: Café?

Bruno: [pause] Maybe I should go home.

Shmuel: What about Papa?

Bruno: [after looking around] Yeah.

Shmuel: We'll check our hut first.

Bruno: He used to be a doctor once, but gave it all up to peel potatoes.

Bruno: Do you not like playing?

[Shmuel nods]

Bruno: Just not ball games?

Shmuel: Not here.

[about Gretel's reading from their tutor of popaganda about "the Jew"]

Bruno: I don't understand. One man caused all this trouble?

Pavel - Jewish servant: I practiced as a doctor.

Bruno: You must not have been very good then, if you had to practice.

Bruno: [Pavel is nursing Bruno] Where's my mum?

Pavel - Jewish servant: She's out.

Bruno: When will she back?

Pavel - Jewish servant: Soon I expect, but don't worry.

Bruno: Will I have I have to go to hospital?

Pavel - Jewish servant: No, it's only a small cut.

[Bruno moans in pain]

Pavel - Jewish servant: Oh come on it's not that bad. There all better.

Bruno: What's your name?

Pavel - Jewish servant: Pavel. Now you better sit still for a couple of minutes before you start walking on that again.

Bruno: It could be worse than it looks.

Pavel - Jewish servant: It isn't.

Bruno: How would you know? You're not a doctor!

Pavel - Jewish servant: Yes I am.

Pavel - Jewish servant: No you're not. You peel potatoes.

Pavel - Jewish servant: I practiced as a doctor before I came here.

Bruno: You couldn't be much good if you had to practice.

Pavel - Jewish servant: Now what are you going to be when you grow up? I know! An explorer!

Bruno: How did you know that?

Lieutenant Kotler: How dare you talk to people in the house? How dare you! Are you eating? Have you been stealing food?

[shouts]

Lieutenant Kotler: Answer me!

Shmuel: No, sir. He gave it to me. He's my friend.

Lieutenant Kotler: What?

[to Bruno]

Lieutenant Kotler: Little man, do you know this Jew?

[shouts]

Lieutenant Kotler: Do you know this Jew?

Bruno: No, I just walked in, and he was helping himself. I've never seen him before in my life.

Lieutenant Kotler: You, finish cleaning the glasses. When I come back, we'll have a little chat about what happens to rats who steal.

Bruno: I want to go home.

Father: You are home, Bruno. Home is where the family is.

[first lines]

Mother: Hello, sweetheart.

Bruno: Mum, what's going on?

Mother: We're celebrating.

Bruno: Celebrating?

Mother: Mm, your father's been given a promotion.

Gretel: That means a better job.

Bruno: I know what promotion is.

Mother: So we're having a little party to celebrate.

Bruno: He's still going to be a soldier though, isn't he?

Mother: Yes, my lamb. Just a more important one, now. I have some even more exciting news, but I think dad wanted to tell you about that himself.

Bruno: It's not fair you've got a nicer view.

Gretel: I'm not swapping.

Herr Liszt: Yes Bruno?

Bruno: I don't understand, the Jew is down to this one man?

Herr Liszt: The Jew here means the entire Jewish race. If it was just this one man I'm sure something would be done about him.

Bruno: There is such thing as a nice Jew isn't there?

Herr Liszt: [Sarcastically] I think Bruno if you ever find a nice Jew, you'd be the best explorer in the world.

Father: What are you doing today?

Bruno: The same as yesterday

Father: And what was that

Bruno: The same as the day before

Bruno: [from trailer] Dad's a good man.

Gretel: Of course he is.

Bruno: It could be worse than it looks.

Bruno: Let's go and find your dad. Come on!

Father: [Elsa has just discovered the true nature of the camp] Elsa I was sworn to secrecy.

Mother: From your own wife?

Father: I took an oath upon my life, do you understand? Elsa you believe in this too. You want this country to be strong...

Mother: No Ralph! No not THAT! How could you?

Father: Because I am a solider! Soliders fight wars!

Mother: That isn't WAR!

Father: That is a part of it, it's a vital part of it! The Fatherland we all desire, all of us, you included cannot be achieved without work such as this!

[Elsa begins to break down]

Father: Elsa, Elsa!

Mother: Get away from me! GET AWAY FROM ME!

[Begins to cry]

Bruno: [Enters Ralph's office] Grandpa's here!

Father: We'll be through in a moment.

[to Elsa]

Father: Who told you about this?

Bruno: Aw, you look just like me.

Bruno: Baby, you like snakes?

Bruno: [watching Oscar smoke DMT] Just light 'er up. Yeah, you gotta watch out, because you could drop it, you might fuckin' burn yourself. So if you want, next time... I could hold it for you.

Bruno: Pasadena, leave it alone.

Joanna: Where the fuck have you been? I've been looking all over for you.

Bruno: Joanna we have to get out of here.

Joanna: Well what are we waiting for, huh?

Bruno: Tennis balls?

Bruno, Sandra, Angela, Katia: Chow!