Brooke Quotes in Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

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Brooke Quotes:

  • Brooke: Hi, Detective Williams! This must be Mindy.

    Detective Marcus Williams: It is. Hi, Brooke. So you girls have some fun and I'll pick you up in the morning, okay?

    Mindy Macready: I'll be the one with the slit wrists.

  • Mindy Macready: [after watching Union J's music video] What the fuck was that?

    Dolce: I know, right? I'm soaked!

    Brooke: That - that is who you are, Mindy. You may not dress like us or talk like us, but when it comes to boys we're all the same. Twilight, Channing Tatum, Union J... it's biology, bitch. Don't fight it.

    Mindy Macready: I, um... I gotta go.

    Dolce: But we were going to go get high on bath salts at Logan's house!

  • Barry: We need to find a zombie fast.

    Brooke: A zombie? What do we need a zombie for?

    Benny: This truck runs on zombies. No zombies? No truck.

  • Crash: [from trailer] Where are we?

    Brooke: Here he is. The master of meditation. The supreme sovereign. The Shangri Llama!

    [Shangri Llama spits into a bowl which a Geotopia Aardvark holds]

    Diego: This is the guy who's gonna save us?

    Shangri Llama: Yes, but first... downward dog!

    [Manny, Sid, and Diego do the downward dog pose]

    Shangri Llama: Caterpillar!

    [Diego tries to do the caterpillar pose]

    Shangri Llama: Funky chicken, bouncing Betty, mashed potato!

    Sid: [doing the mashed potato bounce] Hey, this is kind of easy.

    [he gets tied up with Granny]

    Sid: Could you help me, please? My nose is dangerously close to my butt.

  • Elle: [Elle is cross-examining Chutney Windham] Ms. Windham, what had you done earlier that day?

    Chutney Windham: I got up. Got a latte. Went to the gym. Got a perm and came home.

    Elle: Where you got in the shower?

    The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: I believe the witness has made it clear that she was in the shower.

    [Courtroom audience laughs]

    Elle: Yes, your Honor.

    Elle: [a sudden brainstorm comes over Elle] Ms. Windham, had you ever gotten a perm before?

    Chutney Windham: Yes.

    Chutney Windham: Two a year since I was 12. You do the math.

    Elle: You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure, but thankfully that same day she entered the Pheta Delta Phi wet t-shirt contest where she was completely hosed to down from head to toe...

    DA Joyce Rafferty: Objection, why is this relevant?

    Elle: I have a point, I promise.

    The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Then make it.

    Elle: Chutney, why is it Tracy Marcinco's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?

    Chutney Windham: Because they got wet.

    Elle: Exactly. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the immonium thygocolate?

    Chutney Windham: Yes.

    Elle: And wouldn't somebody who had, say, 30 perms before in their life be well aware of this rule, and if in fact you weren't washing your hair as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot, and if in fact you had heard the gunshot Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which means you would have had to found Brooke Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible, isn't that right?

    Chutney Windham: She's my age! Did she tell you that? How would you feel if your father married someone who was your age?

    Elle: You, however, Chutney had time to hide the gun after you shot your father.

    Chutney Windham: [Chutney is in tears] I didn't mean to shoot him!

    [points at Brooke]

    Chutney Windham: I thought it was YOU walking through the door!

    [Courtroom audience gasps]

    Elle: Oh my God.

    The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Oh my God.

    Brooke: Oh my God.

    The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Balliff, take the witness into custody, where she will be charged for the murder of Joseph Windham. Case dismissed. Mrs. Windham, you're free to go.

    Brooke: Thank you, your honor.

  • Brooke: Are you one of my lawyers?

    Elle: Sort of.

    Brooke: Well thank God one of you has a brain.

  • Brooke: I was getting...

    [whispers]

    Brooke: liposuction.

    Elle: I'm sorry, what?

    Brooke: [whispers a little louder] Liposuction.

    Elle: What?

    Brooke: LIPOSUCTION!

    Elle: [gasps] OH MY GOD!

    Brooke: I KNOW!

    Elle: [low voice] NO...

    Brooke: Yes! I know I'm a fraud, but its not like normal women could have this ass! If anyone found out about this, I would be ruined!

    [sadly]

    Brooke: You must understand me, Elle... I had just lost a husband...

    [bitterly]

    Brooke: I would rather go to jail than to lose my reputation!

    Elle: [understanding] Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.

    Brooke: [tearfully, yet thankfully] Thank you, Elle.

  • Brooke: You know a Delta Nu would never sleep with a man who wears a thong.

    Elle: Never!

    Brooke: I just liked to watch him change the filter.

  • Brooke: My sister has been through a lot...

    Gary: ...of dick!

  • Gary: What kind of bullshit move was that?

    Brooke: I'm sorry, what? What happened?

    Gary: Oh don't be coy with me. You sent that animal over here to attack me when I was hung over and weak.

    Brooke: Oh no. Look, all I know is The Tone Rangers they needed some place to rehearse so I very clearly told Richard stay in my room, which you explained to me was my space to do with what I want.

    Gary: Is that how you want to play it? Cause I'll play it like that. I'll play it like Lionel Richie, all night long, lady. Oh yeah. I'll call some guys from my neck of the woods. And we're not talking about, Brooke, about a couple of queens who know a few grapples. We're talking about Polacks that don't have a goddamn future. That's right. We can make shit real uncomfortable around here, and that's what we're going to do.

    Brooke: Please, come on. You know what, you're just embarrassed because Richard kicked your ass.

    Gary: Richard did not kick my ass. What Richard did was attack me when I was half asleep.

    Brooke: Really, is that how you see it?

    Gary: There's a real big gap between getting your ass kicked and having a dancing, singing sprite fool you with trickery and then strike your throat before you even know you're in a fight. But I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand that, because all you do is make moves from up in your ivory tower.

  • Brooke: I just don't know how we got here. Our entire relationship, I have gone above and beyond for you, for us. I've cooked, I've picked your shit up off the floor, I've laid your clothes out for you like you're a four year old. I support you, I supported your work. If we ever had dinner or anything I did the plans, I take care of everything. And I just don't feel like you appreciate any of it. I don't feel you appreciate me. All I want is to know, is for you to show me that you care.

    Gary: Why didn't you just say that to me"

    Brooke: I tried. I've tried.

    Gary: Never like that, you might have said some things that meant to imply that, but I'm not a mind reader...

    Brooke: It wouldn't matter you are who you are. Just leave me alone ok? Right now, just shut my door.

    Gary: Listen...

    Brooke: Alright Gary just please, just leave the room. Gary just... I don't want to be near you right now, please just shut the door, please.

  • Gary: I'm the one who should be sorry, Brooke. I shouldn't sit here and pick on your art, because you've got the 'nuts' down, Picasso! All you have to do is cut off your frigging ear.

    Brooke: That's Van Gogh, you idiot. Your insults are much more effective when they're accurate.

  • Brooke: What are these?

    Brooke: [holds up a bag with 3 lemons]

    Gary: You asked for lemons. What my baby wants my baby gets.

    Brooke: There are 3 lemons. I asked for 12. Baby wanted 12.

  • Brooke: Yea, I completely agree with you. You know, an art teacher of mine once said. Never buy a piece of art that you don't have to have. You know, don't worry about who the artist is or how much it's worth. I mean, you have to live with it everyday. You have to walk by it everyday. You have to really love it; you have to really appreciate it. It's kind of like picking a mate.

  • Brooke: You're crazy.

    Gary: No, I'm not crazy and a lot of times people go "Oh that's crazy!" then they go "It's genious!". That's what happened to the person who invented fire, they burned that witch and guess what, then they got warm and they ate good stuff. Now where are we headed to. Let's not make this weird 'cause I'm not good on dates...

  • Brooke: Who loves ya, baby?

  • Marilyn Dean: Who am I?

    Brooke: Marilyn Dean.

    Marilyn Dean: And where are we?

    Brooke: The Marilyn Dean Gallery.

    Marilyn Dean: And of whom is that portrait?

    Brooke: That is, uh, Marilyn Dean.

    Marilyn Dean: Yeah. Now, your personal life is your personal life... but you look like shit. And if you look like shit, Marilyn Dean looks like shit, and then it's my business, and when it comes to my business... I don't like anything that's distracting. So I want you to take the rest of the day off... to be sad... and get back here tomorrow ready to take care of... business! Got it?

  • [last lines]

    Gary: I'm just saying we shouldn't wait so long the next time before we...

    Brooke: Yeah.

    Gary: Catch up.

    Brooke: We have a lot more to talk about.

    Gary: Yeah.

    Brooke: So.

    Gary: Be good.

    Brooke: Okay.

    Gary: Bye.

    Brooke: Bye.

  • Burt Vickerman: [Haley does a skill and tumbles on her landing] Shall we share out philosophy with Haley, ladies? Speak my mind. What are we about?

    JoanneMina HoytWei Wei YongDevonLaceyBrooke: Clean, safe routines, guaranteed to stick.

    Haley Graham: [Gags] Is he keeping your brains in jars? Or should I be concerned about the water?

  • Brooke: I think I'm sick, and I don't know if my ailment has a name. It's just me sitting and staring at the internet or the television for long periods of time, interspersed by trying to not do that and then lying about what I've been doing. And then I'll get so excited about something that the excitement overwhelms me and I can't sleep or do anything and I just am in love with everything but can't figure out how to make myself work in the world.

    Tracy: I think I have that too.

  • Brooke: There's no adultery when you're eighteen. You should all be touching each other all the time.

  • Brooke: You are much more of an asshole than you initially appear.

  • Brooke: You can't *really* know what it is to *want* things until you're *at least* 30. And then with each passing year, it gets bigger... because the *want* is more, and the *possibility* is less. Like how each passing year of your life seems faster because it's a smaller portion of your total life. Like that. But in reverse. Everything becomes pure want.

  • Brooke: I know I'm funny. I know everything about myself. That's why I can't do therapy.

  • Brooke: I'll probably end up doing something depressing, but young.

  • Brooke: Stop calling her these old-timey names.

  • Brooke: Sometimes I look like I have fat arms.

    Dylan: I like fat arms.

  • Tracy: Your tragedy is your armor.

    Brooke: Please, somebody defend me against this monster.

  • Brooke: I thought I might actually go to college. I'm not an amputee.

  • Brooke: I want the whole deal. I want the dead-on-my-feet-wake-up-and-I'm-40. I've spent my whole life chasing after things and knocking at doors... and I'm tired of running towards people. I want to be the place that people come to. I want to make a home for all the knockers and runners. I'm good at that. I'm happy with that. I keep the hearth. That's a word, right? Hearth?

  • Brooke: What's going on at college?

    Tracy: Everyone's really excited about the frozen yogurt machine in the student center.

    Brooke: I watched my mother die.

    Tracy: What?

    Brooke: I was with my mother while she died.

    Tracy: I don't know any dead people.

    Brooke: That's cool about the frozen yogurt machine. Everyone I love dies.

    BrookeTracy: Laughter

  • Dylan: Whatever you're doing, it's working.

    Brooke: No, it isn't.

  • Brooke: You think that I'm a running carcass, that I'm doomed to failure?

  • Brooke: I don't give a shit, because I am not a friend of Tennessee Williams.

  • Brooke: It's weird that someone that studies rocks is really into Jesus.

  • Brooke: I just wasn't brought up that way.

  • Brooke: Of course it's possible to hurt me. I'm the most sensitive person.

  • Brooke: I never went to college. I'm an autodidact. Do you know what that means?

    Tracy: Yes

    Brooke: That word is one of the things that I self-taught myself.

  • Brooke: I like to drink.

  • Brooke: That's cool about the frozen yogurt machine. Everyone I know dies.

  • Brooke: I don't give a shit because I'm not a friend of Tennessee Williams!

  • Dylan: If you started the restaurant, you would be back here in a year asking for *five* times this.

    Brooke: Not if it was successful.

    Dylan: What are the odds?

  • Brooke: New York isn't the New York I used to know. There's too much construction.

  • Bo: Hey, I know you. You're from PE.

    Brooke: His name is Billy.

    Jimmy Myers: Ah, its, uh, Jimmy.

    Bo: You're the dodgeball crotch target! You should really wear a cup.

    Brooke: Stop it, Bo. Okay?

    Bo: I'm just lookin' out for him. He can't help it. Every school's got one; the derogatory hit-geek on his way to Fagtown.

    Jimmy Myers: Look, uh, I-I'm not gay.

    Bo: Oh, bummer. You mean you're just an ass-wimp-wad for no reason?

    Jimmy Myers: [nods reluctantly] ... Y-yeah.

    Bo: Ha, that sucks.

    [starts to turn away. turns back quickly]

    Bo: BOO!

    [Jimmy jumps]

  • [the Shit sisters are mocking Angela's happy camper's song]

    Brooke: Oh, I'm a happy camper, I love the clear blue sky, but only when I'm shitfaced, so everyone get high! Oh, I'm a happy camper, I love to drink and fuck, and if you pay me money, on my titties you can suck.

  • Dotty: Now I've lost the newspaper!

    [exits]

    Lloyd: Sardines!

    Gary: [to Brooke] I'm sorry about this.

    Brooke: [to Gary] That's all right. We don't want the television, do we?

    Lloyd: SARDINES!

    Dotty: [re-entering] I forgot the sardines.

  • Brooke: You can't even get the door open.

    [and, in fact, Gary can't]

    Lloyd: [distant] Hold it.

    Frederick: [entering with Belinda] Yes, but this is Mrs. Clackett's afternoon off.

    Lloyd: [a little louder] Hold it!

    Frederick: We've got the place entirely to ourselves.

    Belinda: Look at it.

    Lloyd: [Freddy tries to close the door but can't] HOLD IT!

    [they continue to try to open or close their respective doors]

    Lloyd: And God said HOLD IT!

    [they stop]

    Lloyd: And they held it. And God saw that it was TERRIBLE!

    Gary: Sorry, folks. The door won't open.

    Belinda: Sorry, folks, this door won't close.

    Lloyd: And God said, "POPPY!"

    Frederick: Sorry folks, am I doing something wrong? You know how stupid I am about doors.

    Belinda: Freddy, darling, you're doing it perfectly.

    Frederick: As long as it wasn't me that broke it.

    Lloyd: [Poppy comes on stage] ... And there was Poppy. And God said, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fetch Tim to fix the doors."

  • [Dotty enters with the detached receiver and a small shovel]

    Dotty: I've just come for me sardines.

    [Gary yells in surprise, she gives a sarcastic yell back]

    Gary: Well, I'm sorry, I thought there was no one here.

    Dotty: I'm not here. I don't know where I am.

    Gary: I'm from the agency.

    [she tries to put the receiver down, but finds that the rest of the phone is missing]

    Dotty: Lost the phone now.

    Gary: Squire, Squire, Hackem and Dudley.

    Dotty: Never lost the phone before.

    Gary: I'm Tramplemain.

    Dotty: I know, I'll just put it up here in case anyone wants it, look!

    [she hangs the receiver on a lampshade]

    Gary: Oh, right, thanks. No, no, I just dropped in to go into a few things - well, to check some of the measurements - do one or two odd jobs.

    Dotty: Now the plate's gone.

    Gary: Oh, and a client: I'm showing a prospective tenant over the house.

    Brooke: What's wrong with this door?

    [Dotty begins looking under the sofa cushions for the plate]

    Gary: She's thinking of renting it, her interest is definitely aroused!

    Brooke: [bursting out of the bathroom] That's not the bedroom!

    [Dotty looks behind the sofa]

    Gary: The bedroom? No, no, no, that's the downstairs bathroom and WC suite! And this is the housekeeper, Mrs. Crocket.

    [he walks onto the sardines on the floor]

    Dotty: Sardines! Here, sardines!

    Brooke: Oh, hi!

    Gary: She's not really here.

    Dotty: You *stepped* on 'em!

    [she pounds Gary's feet with the shovel]

  • Lloyd: Brooke?

    Brooke: Yes?

    Lloyd: Are you in?

    Brooke: In?

    Lloyd: Are you there?

    Brooke: What?

    Lloyd: You're out. Okay. I'll call again.

  • [looking for Selsdon]

    Frederick: I'm sure he wouldn't. Not during a tech rehearsal.

    Dotty: Half a chance, he would!

    Brooke: Would what?

    DottyGaryLloyd: [Gesturing drink in hand] Glck! Glck! Glck!

  • [Brooke has lost one of her contact lenses]

    Belinda: Which one is it this time?

    Brooke: Left.

    Gary: It's the *left* one, everybody!

    Poppy: Left one.

    BelindaPoppyFrederick: [shouting] Left one!

    [Everyone starts looking around for it]

  • Vanessa Wetherhold: [drunk] What's it like... to be stupid?

    Brooke: What's it like sitting by yourself at lunch every day?

    Vanessa Wetherhold: It sucks.

  • Brooke: [after a long and prolonged fart] Sorry, it's all the fiber bars that I've been eating.

  • Brooke: Tell her how you feel!

    Johnny Rizzo: Feel about what?

  • Brooke: Have you ever slept on the beach?

    Johnny Rizzo: I'm not really a 'sleep-on-the-beach' kinda guy.

    Brooke: You could be.

  • Brooke: [Teasing Johnny about his tennis skills] You should stop talking so much about sports and maybe start playing them.

  • Brooke: So how was it?

    Amy: You tell me.

  • Johnny Rizzo: [Notices couple making out next to them] Friends of yours?

    Brooke: They just met.

  • Johnny Rizzo: You're drunk...

    Brooke: [Smiles] I know.

  • Brooke: A lot of times you don't know how it ends. When your units get to a scene you sign off and they take over. But, you don't know. Did they make an arrest, shoot the bad guy, did the PR live, did she die...

  • Brooke: We'll be moving up to Ojai so you won't be seeing Evie again. Ever. You're really cruel, Tracy. I mean, I'm sure you can be a sweet kid when you want to, but right now, you're a really bad influence. I mean, you cheat, you lie, you steal...

    Tracy: [shouting in disbelief] Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? Where do you think I learned all this shit from?

    [walks off into the kitchen]

    Melanie: Tracy was playing Barbies before she met Evie.

    [Melanie, Evie and Brooke follow Tracy into the kitchen]

    Brooke: Did she teach you how to beat the crap out of her as well? I've seen the bruises.

    Tracy: What the hell did you tell her, Evie?

    Brooke: [turns to Evie] Come here. What about this?

    [shows the scrape by Evie's hairline that Tracy accidentally made while the two girls were play-fighting]

    Tracy: [shouts] What the fuck? We were just goofing.

    Melanie: Tracy didn't hit her.

    Evie: [starting to cry] Yes, she did.

    Tracy: I don't believe this! She hit me too!

    Brooke: [grabs Tracy's arm and struggles with her to pull back her sleeve] And look at this, Mel.

    Tracy: Don't you dare! No! Please!

    Melanie: Get your hands off her.

    [Tracy starts to cry as the cuts on her arm are revealed when Brooke pulls down her sleeve]

    Brooke: She cuts.

    [Melanie looks stunned and horrified at the cuts on Tracy's arm]

    Tracy: [crying] It's none of your business, you fucking Frankenstein!

    Brooke: Oh, no, this child is my business, you little cunt.

    Melanie: That's enough. You need to get out.

    Brooke: [to Evie] Honey, come on.

    [she and Evie slowly start to leave the house]

    Melanie: [yelling] Get out!

    Evie: [crying] Who would want to be in this shit hole anyway? It fucking stinks in here, Mel!

  • Tracy: [to Brooke] So you're a model?

    Evie: She's a model-slash-actress.

    Brooke: Mmm, slash-bartender who's about to be late for work.

  • Brooke: Evie, goddamn it. Where's my other cutlet?

    Evie: Incoming cutlet!

    [throws the cutlet at Brooke which hits her from behind]

  • Carmen: Maybe he was upset cos you were so bad.

    Brooke: Ease off Carmen, she was killing it.

  • Ryan Shoos: [upon inspecting stage exit doors and seeing them to be broken] No. Hey! Hey Brooke!

    Brooke: [Kelly and her friend enter from the stage turning a left stop and pointing to herself confusedly acknowledges Ryan] It's Kelly.

    Ryan Shoos: Yeah whatever, hey what's up with these doors?

    Brooke: [Kelly and her friend begin to turn down the left hand corridor] They're broken. Everyone knows that.

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