Brodie Quotes in Mallrats (1995)

T.S. Quint: But they're engaged.

Brodie: Doesn't matter, it can't happen.

T.S. Quint: Why not? It's bound to come up.

Brodie: It's impossible. Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle his sperm? I guarantee he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry his child?

T.S. Quint: Sure, why not?

Brodie: He's an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by Earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan, the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a Kryptonite condom, but that would kill him.

T.S. Quint: How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?

Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.

T.S. Quint: Of course it is.

Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.

T.S. Quint: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.

Brodie: Bullshit! Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as food court. Anything outside, of said designated square, is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if you're going to wax intellectual about the subject...

[first lines, Theatrical Version]

Brodie: [voice-over] One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck up his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarrasing for my relatives and all, but next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So, I run into him a week later in the mall and he's buying another cat. And I says to him, "Jesus, Walt! What are you doing? You know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too. Why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

Shannon Hamilton: You wanna say something?

Brodie: Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand 'em all.

Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda Gross's mother after she called him "low class".

T.S. Quint: That wasn't me. It was you.

Brodie: Oh, yeah.

T.S. Quint: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.

Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.

Brodie: I took you shopping all the time!

[Banging his hands against the elevator wall]

Rene: You took me where you went shopping, you jerk! You think I care what store in that shitpit dirt mall has the latest Godzilla bootlegs? Do you call eating pizza in the same dive pizzeria every night eating out? Do I give a shit when two major comic book labels are crossing over characters, selling two editions of the same book in varied-ink chromium covers? I'm a girl, damn it! I wanna do girly things! Like fix up someone's hair and get phone calls expressing romantic sentiments!

[Jay and Silent Bob are hiding from La Fours]

Jay: Is he gone?

Brodie: Halfway to Buy Me Toys by now.

[they come out of hiding]

Jay: Man, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog...

Brodie: After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.

T.S. Quint: How do you propose I do that?

Brodie: You stinkpalm him.

T.S. Quint: Stinkpalm?

Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.

T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie: Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"

T.S. Quint: Whats the point?

Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.

T.S. Quint: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.

Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

Brandi: Suitor number 3, is your kiss like a soft breeze, a firm handshake or a jackhammer?

Gil Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer, I'm in there with some pressure and when I'm done, you're not the same as before. You're changed.

Brodie: Where do you come up with this shit? That's the cheesiest response to an honest question I have ever heard. I saw you kiss and it wasn't anything like that.

Bob Summers: [Chuckling] Suitor #2, you'll have to wait until you're addressed before you respond.

Brodie: Richard Dawson, why don't you just go back to your podium until it's time to play The Feud. All right?

[Audience laughs]

Gil Hicks: Who the hell did you see me kiss?

Brodie: Some dude backstage. I don't know who he was but he seemed unimpressed.

Gil Hicks: I didn't kiss any guy backstage. I swear. I'm not gay.

Brodie: Hey, Suitorette, this guys a homophobe. You heard how repulsed he sounded. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend a vacation with? This hate-monger?

Gil Hicks: I don't hate gay people.

Brodie: So you love them?

Gil Hicks: Yes. I mean no.

Brodie: Textbook closet case self-loather. Can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.

Brandi: Second suitor, would you ever make whoopie in public?

Brodie: I already did once today.

[clicks his finger at Renee]

Brodie: But my cousin Walter jerked off in public once. True story. He was on a plane to New Mexico when all of the sudden the hydraulics went. The plane started spinning around, going out of control, so he decides it's all over and whips it out and starts beating it right there. So all the other passengers take a cue from him and they start whipping it out and beating like mad. So all the passengers are beating off, plummeting to their certain doom, when all of the sudden, snap! The hydraulics kick back in. The plane rights itself and it land safely and everyone puts their pieces or, whatever, you know, away and deboard. No one mentions the phenomenon to anyone else.

Gil Hicks: [beat] Well, did he cum, or what?

Brodie: Jesus *Christ*, man! There's just some things you don't talk about in public!

Shannon Hamilton: That's it. You're dead, mallrat! I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair!

Brodie: Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place.

Gil Hicks: What... like the back of a Volkswagen?

[At a Dating Game-like game show]

Brandi: Second suitor: if we were making whoopee, what sounds would you make?

Brodie: Wait, what's whoopee?

Brandi: You know, being intimate.

Brodie: What? Like fucking?

[the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Trica is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background]

Shannon Hamilton: Yeah, who's your favourite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl.

Jay: Goddamn. This is one wacky game show.

Brodie: [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15!

[cops focus their attention on Shannon]

Shannon Hamilton: Ah, 15. I thought she was 36!

[cops are approaching him]

Shannon Hamilton: Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her.

Jay: Shit, bitch, we're gonna bust up that stage like a high school kegger. We're just gonna outwit Lafours, X-Men style.

Brodie: Should I call you Logan, Weapon-X?

Jay: No, *Wolverine*! Shnickty shnickty shnoine!

Brodie: See, what he's doing is imitating Wolverine's berserker attack with his adamantium claws.

T.S. Quint: I never would have guessed.

Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".

T.S. Quint: She didn't!

Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.

Brodie: Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty but damn are they exquisite.

Gwen: How is it that you recall the most trivial events?

Brodie: I'll never forget it. How many times do you get to see Smokey fuck the Bandit?

Gwen: Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?

Brodie, T.S. Quint: Except for the moustache.

Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn for Sega.

Brodie: Hey, look at that ring. What is that?

Jared Svenning: That is, um, my Junior College class ring. Cum Laude, '69.

Brodie: I also hope to cum loud one day, preferably in a 69.

Jay: You're fucking kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?

Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.

Jay: He's fucking dead!

Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.

[T.S. and Gwen approach them]

T.S. Quint: What the hell happened?

Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.

Brodie: I had it coming.

Jay: [to Silent Bob] Fuck all that shit! Come on, Silent Bob.

[Jay and Silent Bob leave]

T.S. Quint: What really happened?

Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.

Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?

T.S. Quint: You know that guy?

Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.

T.S. Quint: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?

Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.

Brodie: You know about this game show they got goin' on here? We need you guys to somehow ensure that it doesn't happen.

Jay: Is that it? We were gonna do that anyway.

Brodie: Really? Why?

Jay: What else are we gonna do?

Brodie: How much longer are we gonna be in this chick store? I'm starting to get a mean hard-on.

Brodie: That kid is *back*... on the escalator again!

Rene: That was too little too late.

Brodie: Too little? You said it was a good size!

Rene: The effort, you retard. The effort was too little too late.

[pause]

Rene: But, now that you mention it, when a girl says its a good size, that's a nice way of saying that it's small.

Brodie: Hey!

Brodie: Jesus Christ! What the hell gives with the cover boy?

Rene: None of your business, but he'll kick your ass if he knows what you just pulled.

Brodie: Are you insane? The guy looks like a date rapist! Is that my jacket?

Rene: Start the elevator.

Brodie: Not until you tell me what the situation is with you and the Sperminator out there! How long has this been going on?

Rene: Since I mustered the good sense to send you packing. He's a much more suitable companion than you any day.

Brodie: Are you nuts? The guy's pure testosterone! He's a walking hard-on just looking for a hole!

T.S. Quint: Why do palm reading topless?

Brodie: It makes the news easier to take. She could tell me I was going to die in ten minutes, just as long as she told me topless.

T.S. Quint: Your maleness amazes me sometimes.

Brodie: [about Rene] I threw her away like a parking ticket.

Brandi: Suitor number one. If we fell in love, how would you propose to me?

Brodie: [aside] When Jaws popped out of the water...

Brandi: If we were making whoopee, what kind of noises would you make?

Brodie: [Making a 'doggy style' motion with his hand] Rrrruff... rr... rruff...

Brodie: [Looks over at TS] You know, that's kind of a personal question, I don't think I should answer that.

Brandi: Suitor #2...

Gil Hicks: Hey, what about me?

Brodie: Aw Gil, just shut the fuck up!

[Brodie picks up a controller and continues a paused video game]

Rene: What are you doing? You promised me breakfast.

Brodie: Breakfast, shmreakfast. Look at the score, for Christ's sake. It's only the second period and I'm up 12 to 2. Breakfasts come and go, Rene, but Hartford, "the Whale," they only beat Vancouver once, maybe twice in a lifetime.

Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.

Brodie: You have my Punisher War Journal #6, my copy of "Fletch" and the remote control to my TV. Now, I know it's going to be hard to give this stuff up because of it's sentimental attachment...

Rene: Sentimental attachment? Look, if I have any of that crap it's because you brought it over my house and left it there.

Brodie: Okay, then let's talk about coming up with a schedule for visitation rights.

Rene: For what?

Brodie: For the mall. I figure you can take the odd days, I'll take the even days and weekends. When there's any special feature like a sidewalk sale...

Rene: [interrupting] Brodie, Brodie...

Brodie: ...or a boat show...

Rene: [interrupting] Brodie! I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse", I said okay. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother burst in, I did it. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide.

Rene: [Grabs Brodie by the ear] But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your shit with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious fucking disappointment!

T.S. Quint: Maybe he's calmed down, we'll talk about it reasonably.

Brodie: Reasonably shmeasonably, you should go over there and give him shit.

Brodie: Brandi is the past my friend. You face forward, or you face the possibility of shock and damage.

[Brodie gets knocked down by a metal beam]

T.S. Quint: You should learn to heed your own advice.

Brodie: Where the hell did that come from? What's going on here?

T.S. Quint: Looks like a stage is being erected.

Brodie: What is this monstrosity?

T.S. Quint: Maybe it's for the Easter Bunny pictures.

Brodie: Impossible, the Easter Bunny Court is down at the other end of the mall, it's been there since two days after Christmas. I want answers!

[Trying on lace panties overtop of his jeans]

Brodie: I would've made a sexy chick!

Brodie: You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics he can't start some shit?

Brodie: You've probably had a slew of women since her, am I right?

Stan Lee: Oh, lots of women. Jagger and me, we had a running contest to see who had the most. In fact, last time I checked I was way ahead.

Brodie: DAMN that's hot!

Brodie: I love the smell of commerce in the morning.

Brandi: Suitor Number Three, what would our first date be like?

Gil Hicks: Well, uh, first I'd take you shopping to stores you wanna shop in, and then we'd do a little lunch, probably at the Cheese Haus, followed by some golfing. And then at night, we'd take in an opera, probably Die Fledermaus, and then I'd follow it up with a drive to a secluded beach where I'd pop on the radio and we could slow-dance till the sun came up.

Brodie: That was the biggest load of crap I've ever heard! I mean, look at you. You're the kind of guy who would beg for sex. And I should know, we can smell our own.

T.S. Quint: How easily do you quit? Say you wind up with one of us?

Brodie: Hopefully not Rush Limbaugh over here.

Gil Hicks: Well, now, I'm not like Rush Limbaugh.

Brodie: Well, why not? Because he's fat? Now you have something against fat people, too?

[Brodie introduces Tricia to T.S]

Brodie: T.S. Quint, meet Tricia Jones. They call her "Trish the Dish."

Tricia Jones: [Shaking T.S's hand] Nobody calls me that.

[Brodie Bruce speaking of T.S. and Brandi's love]

Brodie: You two are retarded for each other.

Brodie: Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like 'BJ and the Bear.' Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.

T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now - a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie: Yeah, I probably look like my old man.

[Brodie is trying to get into the comic book store]

Brodie: Hey, what's going on in there?

Steve-Dave Pulasti: I was warned about you. Take it easy before I have you removed from the mall.

Brodie: Warned? What the fuck are you talking about?

Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave!

Brodie: Fuck you, Fanboy!

T.S. Quint: [breaking up the fight] When you two testosterone-seething, he-man, comic book fans finish up with this display of tough guy back-and-forth? I have some questions that need answering.

T.S. Quint: I was going to propose to her.

Brodie: Where?

T.S. Quint: The Universal Tour.

Brodie: You're kidding. What part?

T.S. Quint: When Jaws popped out of the water.

Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

T.S. Quint: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.

Tricia Jones: I heard that you were going to propose to Brandi Svenning at some theme park. When are men going to learn that women want ROMANCE, not Mr. Toad's Wild Ride...

Brodie: Be fair. EVERYONE wants Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Brodie: You're going to listen to *me*? To something that *I* said? Hell, most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass... or sticking my hand in it.

[about the break-up letter from Renee]

Brodie: Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.

[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]

T.S. Quint: What's he doing?

Jay: Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy fuck thinks he can levitate shit with his thoughts.

[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]

Jay: Knock it off!

Brodie: [to Silent Bob] The force is strong with this one.

Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.

Ivannah: Free your minds.

Brodie: I'd like to free something...

Stan Lee: They look happy, don't they?

Brodie: What, the bras?

T.S. Quint: [reading the break-up letter that Renee gave Brodie] Woah, she calls you "callow" in here.

Brodie: You say that like it's bad.

T.S. Quint: It means frightened and weak-willed.

Brodie: Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.

Jared Svenning: Once I realized the both of you were in the mall together, I decided to set up this little ambush to remove you and your sidekick here from the premises, permanently.

Brodie: Hey, why am I his side-kick? How do you know he's not *my* side-kick?

Brodie: Look, if I had any kind of glow it's because I just got laid. I would look the same had I banged anyone in that elevator... present company excluded.

T.S. Quint: Deny it all you want. I think that you're too proud to admit that you want her back.

Brodie: I suddenly want something very bad to happen to you.

[TS elbows Gwen in the chest, she hits him in the groin]

Brodie: [Kicking him on the ground] See, that's what you get for fucking with me.

Brodie: I call you all time!

Rene: "Rene, my mom's asleep. Come over." You call that romantic? When was the last time you pulled out my chair, or told me I was beautiful?

Brodie: And this guy does all this in a day?

Rene: This guy already introduced me to his mother.

Brodie: Really?

Brandi: When I walked away, did you make any effort to repair that breach? No, you ran off and cried on the shoulder of Bumble the Boy Wonder over there.

Brodie: Boy Wonder? Hey, I'm all man, lady!

Brodie: [about to get beaten up by Shannon] Want a sip of my soda?

Brodie: You used to like tits too.

T.S. Quint: Hey, I love tits as much as the next guy, but why should I pay some old hag good money for some supernatural chicanery coupled with a pair of sagging wrinkled weathered boobs?

Gwen: Tell me about the elevator.

Brodie: It goes up-and-down. Ba-dump-tsss.

[Thinking Rene is at the door]

Brodie: You're a fickle broad...

Ivannah: It's the third nipple that does it.

T.S. Quint: Oh, you have a third nipple? I didn't notice.

Brodie: What are you *talking about*? It's as clear as day! Look at it for god's sake!

Ivannah: You can stare at it. I don't mind.

T.S. Quint: That is one of your more admirably deplorable traits. You, unlike me, would beat up somebody's grandmother or an entire senior citizens' community if you believed in the principle.

Brodie: Yeah, but only if they were really old.

Gwen: Why are you glowing?

Brodie: I'm *not* glowing!

[Upon meeting Stan Lee]

Brodie: The Thing! Is his dork made out of orange rock like the rest of his body?

Stan Lee: I don't know. It's a superhero secret.

Stan Lee: [Remarking on a happy couple in a store window] They look happy don't they?

Brodie: I suppose, as far as couples go.

Stan Lee: You know, it reminds me of an issue of Spider-man I did. When Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy went lingerie shopping. Of course, the Green Goblin showed up, and he pumpkin-bombed the hell out of the place. But aside from that, it's pretty much the same thing.

Brodie: Oh, my god... *holy shit*! Aren't you...

Stan Lee: Oh, Stan Lee, hi.

Brodie: Hey, you know where you're going, they screw people in a very uncomfortable place.

Shannon: Really?

Brodie: Yeah.

Arresting Cop #2: Hey, hey! You can't strike a prisoner in police custody.

Brodie: Oh, come on. Just once?

Arresting Cop #2: All right, but make it fast.

[punches Shannon in his stomach]

Brodie: [referring to the tape of Shannon having anal sex with Trish] Did you see that shit? You call that romance?

Rene: I call that illegal.

Brandi: [calm and nefarious tone] Second Suitor? If you were a comic book character, what character would you be?

Brodie: [caught off guard, but delighted] Wow! That's a great question. Tough one, though I mean, what does one gauge his response on? Physical prowess? Keen detection skills? The ability to banter well with super villians?

Brandi: [interupting] How's your comic book collection, Brodie?

Brodie: Oh it's goin' good. But, I mean...

Brodie: [T.S. punches Brodie's arm and shows an angry look, realizing they have been made] Oh, comics? what are you talkin' about lady? I don't collect comics! Comics are for kids!

[to T.S]

Brodie: You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?

Brodie: Tell me, did you ever fart in front of her?

T.S. Quint: No, why do you ask?

Brodie: I never farted in front of Renee. Not once. Last week, I let one slip and today she dumps me.

T.S. Quint: You think that's why Renee dumped you? Come on, she's not the shallow type. You're not insinuating...

Brodie: She was going down on me at the time.

T.S. Quint: [Retches]

Brodie: What can I say, I was feeling very relaxed, when I'm relaxed I squirt.

T.S. Quint: If all she did was dump you, you got off light.

Brodie: The usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.

T.S. Quint: You're such an anal retentive bastard.

Brodie: Hey, I tried to teach you how to handle comics in the sixth grade, but oh no. You wanted to play little league instead.

Jay: Silent Bob stole the schematics from some foolish carpenter and found a weakness just like the fucking Death Star. You knock this crossbeam out and, fuckin' bickety-bam, the whole stage comes crashing down.

Brodie: Well we were thinking of something simple, but hey, if you want to destroy the stage, we're all for that.

Brodie: There is something out there that can help us ease our simultanious double loss.

T.S. Quint: What? Ritual suicide?

Brodie: No, you idiot, the fucking mall!

T.S. Quint: I'd prefer ritual suicide.

Brodie: Oh come on man it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand, you have to try 'em. They're awesome.

Shannon Hamilton: Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those loser fucking mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out all day, act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda.

Brodie: Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship?

[Shannon Hamilton beats up Brodie]

Shannon Hamilton: Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend.

Brodie: If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me.

Shannon Hamilton: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.

Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Shannon Hamilton: No. More like someplace girls dread.

[Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, Shannons gives him another beat-down]

T.S. Quint: I got to hit the bathroom.

Brodie: PLEASE. Don't say "hit".

[about the indoor flea market]

Brodie: Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.

T.S. Quint: Neither does any self-respecting consumer.

Rene: [about why she cries in the bathroom] Do you really wanna know?

Brodie: I asked, didn't I? I'm playing the role; the concerned guy.

Ivannah: Fucussa.

Brodie: That's what I was thinking.

T.S. Quint: She said 'focus'.

Brodie: Whatever.

Brodie: You know how when someone lays with their back to you, and you lay behind them really close and you throw one arm over them?

T.S. Quint: It's called spooning.

Brodie: Yeah, but you gotta put the other arm somewhere. You can either lay on it or shove it between your bodies. The only other option is to stretch it above your head. But sometimes my arm pops out of socket when I'm sleeping like that. So I was constantly searching for someplace to keep my arm while still laying close to her.

Gwen: And?

Brodie: What do you mean, 'and'? That's like a metaphor for our whole relationship. I'm all out. I'll meet you at the food court.

Saleslady at Lingerie Store: [crying] I know exactly how he feels. Excuse me.

Brodie: Hey Hamilton! Let's try and wrap this up, alright? I promised her breakfast!

Brodie: [Looking at comics] These should have boards in them. Bloody savage.

Brodie: Little Trisha here is only fifteen, but somehow she's a senior.

T.S. Quint: How did you manage that?

Brodie: [Makes sucking noises]

Tricia Jones: Don't listen to him. I studied my ass off.

Brodie: Yeah, right. So what do you say? You wanna nail T.S. Or what?

T.S. Quint: Jesus, Brodie!

Brodie: Hey guys, you'll never guess who I just met.

[looks at the two suitors on the floor off camera]

Brodie: What happened to these two?

Jay: Power of the dark side.

T.S. Quint: Wait a minute. There's only two. There's supposed to be three! What happened to the third guy?

Jay: I never saw a third guy.

[Gil enters and looks down at the two on the floor; both he and Brodie take an instant dislike to each other]

Gil Hicks: What happened to these two?

T.S. Quint: Um... they got light headed.

Jay: You got that right.

Gil Hicks: So, what's going to happen now? They going to cancel the show?

Brodie: What do you care, asshole?

Gil Hicks: I'm supposed to be on it. I'm Gil Hicks, Suitor Number Three.

T.S. Quint: We're gonna take their places. Hi. I'm T.S. Quint, this is my friend Brodie Bruce.

Gil Hicks: Hey, didn't Svenning have you arrested?

Brodie: [belligerent] Look man, don't give him any shit!

Gil Hicks: Something's going on here. Where's Mr. Svenning?

Roddy: [enters] Mr. Svenning has come down with a sudden case of depheria.

[looks down at the two guys on the floor]

Roddy: What happened to these two?

Jay: The homeboys got a case of the mad munchies!

Gil Hicks: [points to T.S] Hey, Roddy Roddy, isn't this the guy that Svenning had arrested?

Roddy: Why yes it is. All right Quint, I don't know how you got back in here, but we're postponing the start of the show until I call Mr. Svenning. You've brought down the fire, well now you've got it! Security!

Brodie: Hey, Roddy!

[Brody puches Roddy out]

Security Guard: [enters] Somebody call security? What happened here?

Brodie: Oh, these two guys got stonned and knocked this guy out. I think he needs medical attention.

Gil Hicks: That's not what happ...

[Brody stomps on Gil's foot, silencing him]

T.S. Quint: Yeah, could you get him and these two guys out of here? The show's about to start.

Security Guard: Whatever.

Brodie: [to Gil] Look asshole, just go out there with us and behave, and you'll be just fine.

[to Jay]

Brodie: Jay, when Tricia shows up here with a video tape, you give it to Silent Bob.

Jay: Check. Say, where is that tubby bitch?

[to a customer at his comic shop, bending a comic's spine]

Brodie: It is a comic book, not your dick! Show some respect. Hold it like you'd hold a woman.

Steve-Dave Pulasti: [at Brodie's Secret Stash] Boy, Walt. This store sure does suck ass, doesn't it?

Walt "Fanboy" Grover: Tell him, Steve-Dave.

Brodie: You're both banned.

Steve-Dave Pulasti: Holy Shit. Un-ban us. This guy'll suck your dick.

Brodie: I'm sure he will.

Walt "Fanboy" Grover: [Steve-Dave is forcing him onto his knees] NO!

Brodie: Oh my God. Don't tell me you have no idea there's a movie being made of the comic you two were the basis for.

Jay: What? Since when?

Brodie: See, here's the pulse. And this is your finger, far away from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass. Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?

Jay: Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like "The Piano" and "The Crying Game".

Brodie: Yeah, but then they made "She's All That" and it went downhill from there.

Brodie: And on that note, we cue the music.

Abigail: The possessed bodies, they kill all in their path in preparation for Aeloth's ascension on the next blood moon. On the Devil's hour.

Brodie: Oh shit, the moon is red tonight. When is the Devil's hour?

Abigail: Three AM.

Zakk: Three AM Pacific or Eastern time? Do demons recognize daylight savings?

Brodie: My uncle Albert was balls-deep into Jesus. He thought Ricky Martin was heavy. He heard me cranking some Disemboweled Corpse and he hasn't slept for days.

Brodie: Hey David - I saw Uncle Albert washing your sheets this morning. You shit the bed or something?

David: Fuckin' devil-worshiper. I can't wait until my dad kicks you out on the streets and you've got to blow truck drivers for food like your psycho mum.

Brodie: Jesus. Who's that?

Dion: Medina Darcy... Uhh, no dude...

Brodie: What do you mean, "no"?

Dion: No way are you tapping that. Chicks like that don't go out with metalheads. They bang apes like your cousin.

Brodie: My friends are losers, my uncle keeps trying to christen me in my sleep, and I'm drenched in my cousin's bodily fluids.

Zakk: I bags that record.

Brodie: Dude, that's low.

Zakk: I can go much lower.

Mr. Capenhurst: Good work Brodie. Nice technique. Great shading on the demon penises. Is that me having hot pokers stuffed up m rectum by skeletons?

Brodie: Yes, sir.

Mr. Capenhurst: Nice likeness .Very detailed. Two weeks detention.

Brodie: Does anybody want anything from the shop?

Zakk: Condoms, Vaseline, jumper cables, and ammonium nitrate.

Brodie: I don't think they sell that combination of things.

Terry: The Blind One is coming. He's going to suck out your intestines for a thousand years and use your ribs as toothpicks.

Brodie: Um... okay.

Terry: Did I mention he's going to roast your nuts over an open fire? While they are still attached, of course.

Brodie: No, Terry. You didn't mention that.

Terry: Well, he is.

Byron: Welcome to Alien Records. How are things, kid?

Brodie: Things are shitty.

Brodie: When is the devil's hour?

Abigail: 3 a.m.

Zakk: Wait. 3 a.m. Pacific or Eastern Time? Do demons recognize daylight savings?

Zakk: Hey man, you wanna do something crazy?

Brodie: It's not role-playing, is it?

Zakk: What the fuck is role-playing?

Brodie: Okay, I don't want to know what you think fourth base is.

Zakk: No, I don't.

Zakk: Got it! "dethgasm" All spelt in capitals. Lower case is for pussies.

Brodie: Cool. What about...

Brodie: I fucking said "dethgasm"!

Zakk: Pretty sure he wasn't possessed.

Brodie: What? Oh no. Of course he was. Because when he came in he said something about Satan. You didn't hear him say that?

Brodie: Sick, man!

Zakk: What? They were like that when I found them.

Zakk: Medina is never gonna put out for you, man. You're never gonna get to second base with that girl.

Brodie: What?

Zakk: You know - anal.

Brodie: Okay, I don't want to know what you think fourth base is.

Rikki Daggers: Aeon sent you, didn't he? When are you occultist cunts ever gonna fuckin' learn?

Brodie: No, we're just... we're just metalheads. We're fans.

Brodie: It's music.

Zakk: Can you read it?

Brodie: Yeah, I think so. It's pretty universal. It's really old. Holy fuck. Look at the title.

Zakk: What the fuck does it say?

Brodie: Don't know. I think it's Latin.

Zakk: What, like Dora the fuckin' Explorer?

Brodie: No. Like, like, Romans and shit.

Brodie: Okay, so all the shit is in my room, all right? But watch out for my aunt and uncle because they hate you. And, also, they might be demons.

Brodie: Y'know, I'm not even sure I'm in the right tuning.

Brodie: Do you - do you like metal?

Medina: Um, isn't it just a bunch of guys screaming?

Brodie: No way! Well... apart from grindcore. And death metal is kind of like that. And deathcore, screamo, pornogrind, black metal, metalcore, thrash, and mordorcore. But apart from those...

Medina: It's just not my thing. I don't really get it.

Brodie: It's like, when life sucks, and you feel alone and empty. You stick on some metal and life is better, because... because somebody else knows the pain and the rage that you're going through, y'know?

Brodie: Motherfucker!

Medina: Brodie, just leave it.

Brodie: Fucking wanker! You knew I liked her.

Zakk: Calm the fuck down, all right? I'm not even into her. I was just bored.

Brodie: Oh well, that's supposed to make it fucking better? What happened to Brotherhood of Steel?

Zakk: Brutal.

Brodie: Should we check his pulse?

Zakk: He has a fucking engine for a head. I don't think he's gonna be walking this one off, man.

Brodie: Shit.

Zakk: Y'know - it's weird, but I think he would have wanted to go out like this.

Brodie: His eyes ripped out, face grinded off and then head mounted under a car engine?

Zakk: Totally. For whom the bell tolls, old man.

Zakk: Whoa. Is that Satan?

Abigail: That is Aeloth. King of the Demons.

Zakk: Aeloth? Sounds like a badass.

Brodie: These words were in music pages.

Abigail: The Black Hymn. You have it.

Zakk: Have it? We fuckin' played it.

Abigail: Well, then, you have fucked us all.

Brodie: You don't know what you're doing. The whole town is overrun with fucking demons.

Shanna: We know exactly what we are doing. Give me the "vogue catty quaff wrecks demony".

Dion: It's actually pronounced vocavitque rex daemonia.

Brodie: I thought you were off to the lookout to watch the town burn.

Zakk: Realized I couldn't leave my mate in the shit. Not with all these demons to mega-kill. Metalheads stick together, right?

Medina: Whoa, wait. You decided that you wanted to help us, and then you went and applied makeup? Well, how long did that take? What ten - fifteen minutes?

Zakk: It's not makeup. It's fucking corpse paint. For going into battle.

Medina: Okay. Well, you look adorable. It really brings out your eyes.

Medina: I can't stand mic cupping.

Brodie: Cannibal Corpse do it.

Medina: No. Barnes used to do it. Fisher... it's straight from the guts.

Brodie: Shit. Did I just get schooled?

Medina: I'm a very fast learner.