Brian Quotes in The Dark Knight (2008)

The Joker: [after a news segment] Are you the real Batman?

Brian: No.

The Joker: No? Then why do you dress like him?

Brian: He's a symbol... that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.

The Joker: Yeah, you do, Brian. You *really* do!

The Joker: [the Joker has Brain Douglas captured and is recording him] Tell them your name.

Brian: Brian... Douglas.

The Joker: Are you the real Batman?

Brian: No.

The Joker: No?

Brian: No.

The Joker: No? Then why do you dress up like him?

[grabs Brian's mask and dangles it in front of the camera]

The Joker: whooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Brian: Because he's a symbol that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.

The Joker: Oh you do, Brian. You really do. Yeah. Oh shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. So, you think Batman's made Gotham a better place? Hmm? Look at me. LOOK AT ME!

[turns camera to himself]

The Joker: You see? This is how crazy Batman's made Gotham! You want order in Gotham? Batman must take off his mask and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, people will die. Starting tonight. I'm a man of my word.

[laughs]

[Batman has just fought off Scarecrow and a group of Batman wannabes]

Batman: Don't let me find you out here again.

Brian: We're trying to help you!

Batman: I don't need help.

Dr. Jonathan Crane: Not my diagnosis!

Brian: What gives you the right? What's the difference between you and me?

[Batman lowers himself into the Batmobile]

Batman: I'm not wearing hockey pads!

Vince: Why don't you try Fat Burger from now on? You can get yourself a cheese and fries for 2.95, faggot!

Brian: I like the tuna here.

Vince: Bullshit asshole, no one likes the tuna here!

Brian: Yeah well I do.

[Brian comes into a restaurant]

Mia: Tuna on white. No crust, right?

Brian: I don't know. How is it?

Mia: Every day for the last three weeks you've been coming in here and you've been asking me how the tuna is. Now, it was crappy yesterday, it was crappy the day before and guess what? It hasn't changed.

Brian: I'll have the tuna.

Mia: No crust?

Brian: No crust.

Mia: Letty grew up just down the street. She was into cars since she was like ten years old. Dom always had her attention. Then she turned sixteen...

Brian: And she had Dom's attention.

Mia: Yeah, it's funny how that works out.

[last lines]

Dom: [Brian hands over the key to the Supra] You know what you're doing?

Brian: I owe you a ten-second car.

Brian: So what's your best time?

Dom: I've never driven her...

Brian: Why not?

Dom: She scares the shit out of me.

Dom: [looking at the junked Toyota Supra being hauled in] I said a ten-second car, not a ten-minute car.

Jesse: You could push this across the finish line, or tow it.

Dom: You couldn't even tow that across the finish line.

Brian: No faith.

Dom: I have faith in you, but this isn't a junkyard. This is a garage.

Brian: You know, I was thinking we should go out sometime.

Mia: Oh, that's sweet, but I usually don't date my brother's friends.

Brian: Well, that sucks. I guess I'll have to kick his ass then.

Mia: I'd love to see that. Actually, I'd pay to see that.

Brian: I thought if I got in your good graces you might let me keep my car.

Dom: You are in my good graces, but you ain't keepin' your car.

Dom: You drive like you've done this before. What are you, a wheelman?

Brian: No.

Dom: Boost cars?

Brian: No, never.

Dom: Do time?

Brian: Couple of overnighters. No big deal.

Dom: What about those two years you did in juvie for boosting cars? Tucson, right? I had Jesse run a little background check on you, Mr. Brian Earl Spilner. He can find anything on the web, anything about anyone. So, why bullshit?

Brian: So what about you?

Dom: Two years in Lompoc. I'll die before I go back.

Brian: Hey, wait, hold up! I don't have any cash, but I do have the pink slip to my car.

Jesse: Wait, you just can't climb in the ring with Ali 'cause you think you box!

Brian: [points to Vince] He knows I can box! So check it out, it's like this: If I lose, winner takes my car clean and clear. But if I win, I take the cash, and I take the respect!

Dom: [laughing] Respect?

Brian: To some people, that's more important.

Dom: ...That your car?

Mia: You know, my brother likes you. Usually he doesn't like anybody.

Brian: Yeah, he's a complicated guy.

Brian: What's the retail on one of those?

Ferrari Driver: More than you can afford pal. Ferrari.

Dom: [turning to Brian] Smoke him.

[Dominic breaks up a fight between Vince and Brian]

Dom: [checks Brian's wallet] Brian Earl Spilner. Sounds like a serial killer. Is that what you are? Don't come around here again.

Brian: Man, you know this is bullshit!

Dom: You work for Harry, right?

Brian: Yeah, I just started.

Dom: You were just fired.

Brian: [referring to the hostile Johnny Tran] What was the deal back there?

Dom: It's a long story.

Brian: We have a twenty mile hike. Humor me.

Dom: A business deal that went sour. Plus I made the mistake of sleeping with his sister.

Hector: Wait, hold up, hold up. Look at this snowman right here, man.

Hector: [walks over to Brian] Sweet ride! Whatcha runnin' under there, man?

Hector: [Brian grins] You're gonna make me find out the hard way?

Brian: Hell yeah!

Hector: You're brave! You're brave! They call me Hector. Gotta last name too, but I can't pronounce it

Brian: [shakes Hectors hand] Brian Spilner.

Hector: Typical white boy name, know what I mean?

Brian: Nice crib, sarge. It's a lot better than that last place you confiscated.

Sgt. Tanner: Eddie Fisher built it for Elizabeth Taylor back in the fifties.

Brian: See? Even the cops in Hollywood are Hollywood.

Brian: Mia, I'm a cop.

Mia: What are you talking about, Brian?

Brian: Ever since I met you, I've been undercover. I'm a cop.

Mia: Oh, you bastard. You bastard!

Jesse: These are the additions, this is the basic layout of the car, and this is what it could look like when it's done. Red, green, whatever.

Brian: Hey man, you should be going to MIT or something.

Jesse: No man, I got that attention disorder.

Brian: Oh, A.D.D.?

Jesse: Yes, that shit.

Brian: I just need some more time.

FBI Officer: If you want time, buy the magazine!

Brian: Hey, what's up, Jesse? What do you have in your hand?

Jesse: Throwing down the pinkslip just like you.

Brian: Pinkslip for what? The Jetta?

Jesse: Yeah.

Brian: You can't bet your dad's car.

Jesse: It's all right. I ain't losin'. This fool is running a Honda 2000. I'll win. Then me and my dad can roll together when he gets out of prison. It's all good.

Brian: Well, they're gonna throw him right back in prison after he kills you.

[after Johnny Tran is arrested]

Agent Bilkins: DVD players were purchased legally. All we've got on Tran and his boys are some low-rent weapons charges and some outstanding speeding tickets.

Sgt. Tanner: So, they're out.

Agent Bilkins: Father bailed them out. Is this the kind of intelligence I can except from you, O'Connor?

Brian: What, you're gonna pin this on me?

Agent Bilkins: Hey, I can pin this on whoever I want to. Perks of the job.

Sgt. Tanner: Are you going native on me, Brian?

Muse: I think the sister's clouding his judgement.

Brian: What was that?

Muse: Hey, I don't blame you. I get off on her surveillance photos too.

Brian: After this it's just babies and memories.

Brian: [after taking a picture of his infant daughter being held by Mike Winchell] I tell you what - Why don't you hold onto her for a while? Babysit her for us for a couple of hours? We're gonna go get ourselves drink, ya know, back in a while. All right, see ya later.

[They start to walk off, Mike looks shocked. Brian laughs]

Brian: I'm just kidding!

[to his daughter]

Brian: Come here, sweetie.

Royston: They make take our lives, but they will never take our pensions.

Brian: They've already taken our pensions

Royston: They may take our pensions, but they will never take our lives.

Brian: [getting rough] It's going to be better for me if it looks like I tried harder to find out.

Elizabeth: Just not my face, okay?

Brian: Dude, that was Batman!

Mackie: That couldn't be Batman, Turk said he killed Batman!

Brian: Yeah, Turk says a lot of shit.

Aron Ralston: [as Brian Stephenson] Good morning, everyone! It is 7 o'clock here in Canyonlands, USA! And this morning on the boulder, we have a very special special guest, self-proclaimed American superhero, Aron Ralston! Let's hear it for Aron!

[nods to his imaginary audience]

Aron Ralston: [as himself] Hey. Hi. Oh, gosh, it's... It's a real pleasure to be here. Thank you. Thank you! Heh. Eh-heh. Em... Hey, can I say hi to my mom and dad?

[as Stephenson]

Aron Ralston: Mom and Dad! Mustn't forget Mom and Dad. Right, Aron?

[as himself]

Aron Ralston: Yeah, that's right. Eh... Hey, Mom. I'm really sorry I didn't answer the phone the other night. If I had, I would have told you where I was going, and then... Well, I probably wouldn't be here right now.

[as Stephenson]

Aron Ralston: That's for sure! But like I always say... your supreme selfishness is our gain. Thank you, Aron. Anyone else you'd like to say hi to?

[as himself]

Aron Ralston: Ehm... Well, Brion at work.

Brian: Hi, Aron!

Aron Ralston: [as himself] Hey! Eh... I probably won't be making it into work today.

[Stephenson-Aron and the audience laughs]

Aron Ralston: [as Stephenson] Get a load of this guy! Oh, wait. Hold on... We've got a question coming in from another Aron in Loser Canyon, Utah! Aron asks...

[as caller]

Aron Ralston: Am I right in thinking that even if Brion from work notifies the police, they'll put a 24-hour hold on it before they file a Missing Persons report? Which means you won't become officially missing until midday Wednesday, at the earliest?

[as himself]

Aron Ralston: Yeah. You're right on the money there, Aron.

[the audience laughs]

Aron Ralston: Which means, I'll probably be dead by then.

[the audience laughs again]

Aron Ralston: [as Stephenson] Aron from Loser Canyon, Utah. How do you know so much?

[as caller]

Aron Ralston: Well, I'll tell you how I know so much. I volunteer for the rescue service. You see, I'm something of a... well, a big fucking hard hero.

[the audience laughs]

Aron Ralston: And I can do everything on my own, you see?

[as Stephenson]

Aron Ralston: I do see! Now... Is it true that despite, or maybe because you're a big fucking hard hero... you didn't tell anyone where you were going?

[as himself]

Aron Ralston: Yeah. That's absolutely correct.

[as Stephenson]

Aron Ralston: Anyone...?

[as himself, shaking his head]

Aron Ralston: Anyone.

[as Stephenson]

Aron Ralston: Oops...

[the audience laughs]

Aron Ralston: [silently repeats] Oops. Oops.

Brian: Dad's gonna kill you when he finds that you lost his camcorder.

Kyle Grant: I didn't lose it. The gorilla did.

Brian: All right, the gorilla.

Kyle Grant: When we get back, you'll see.

Brian: [to Kyle] If anything happens to me, there's a box of magazines under my bed; get rid of them, okay?

Brian: Well, if your going to be grounded in a 5-star hotel it is the place to be.

Brian: You do realize we'll probably end up living in a Motel 6?

Robert Grant: Yep! Sounds pretty good to me.

Brian: Dylan, can you beat them up?

Dylan: Call me Neo.

Dylan: Chill out guys, I've got something stashed that just might help.

Brian: Dylan, we don't have time to indulge in recreational activities...

Brian: Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.

ZeBadDee: Very well! Sam, bring out the sticks and stones!

Brian: [to Moose] Have you seen our friend Dougal? Big black noise, looks like a bad hair day on legs.

ZeBadDee: Give me that map... please?

Brian: Over my dead body!

ZeBadDee: Sam, get out the garlic butter. I'm feeling a little peckish.

Brian: You're bluffing!

ZeBadDee: Try me, you spineless slime-spreader!

[Dylan is looking at the buttons on the train, and sees one marked with a spring]

Dylan: Hey, maybe this is some kind of anti-spring device.

[he presses button. Brian is catapulted upwards]

Brian: I can fly!

[looks down]

Brian: No, I can't.

Dylan: Or maybe it's an ejector seat.

Brian: Oh no! Trouble dead ahead!

Train: [jumping from one trainrail to the other] That's my line!

Brian: Stephen, your 'motor-mouth' disease, does it affect, um...

Stephen Hawking: What?

Brian: [Gesturing towards his crotch] Uh, everything?

Stephen Hawking: What? No. Different system. Automatic.

Brian: Are you serious? Well that's pretty wonderful isn't it? Well it certainly explains a lot about men.

[raising their glasses in a toast]

Jane Hawking: To the esteemed and formidable doctor...

Brian: Who?

Jane Hawking: *Doctor Stephen Hawking*.

Brian: Cash.

Bookman: Cash? Whaddaya mean, "Cash?"

Brian: You know.

[holds up a dollar bill]

Brian: This stuff.

Mike: It's green with little president's pictures on it.

Andrew: What do you need a fake I.D. for?

Brian: So I can vote.

Andrew: Look, you guys keep up your talking and Vernon's gonna come right in here. I got a meet this Saturday and I'm not gonna miss it on account of you boneheads.

Bender: Oh, and wouldn't that be a bite, huh? Missing a whole wrestling meet!

Andrew: You wouldn't know anything about it, faggot! You never competed in your whole life!

Bender: Oh, I know. I feel all empty inside because of it. I have such a deep admiration for guys who roll around on the floor with other guys.

Andrew: Ah, you'd never make it. You don't have any goals.

Bender: Oh, but I do!

Andrew: Yeah?

Bender: I wanna be just... like... you. I figure all I need is a lobotomy and some tights!

Brian: You wear tights?

Andrew: No, I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform.

Brian: Tights.

Andrew: [short pause] Shut up!

Brian: Are you gonna be, like, a shopping bag lady? You know, like, sit in alleyways and, like, talk to buildings and wear men's shoes and that kinda thing?

Brian: You fucked my girlfriend, dude!

Pete: One time... for a week.

[Last Barman poem]

Brian: I am the last barman poet / I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make / Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake / The sex on the beach / The schnapps made from peach / The velvet hammer / The Alabama slammer. / I make things with juice and froth / The pink squirrel / The three-toed sloth. / I make drinks so sweet and snazzy / The iced tea / The kamakazi / The orgasm / The death spasm / The Singapore sling / The dingaling. / America you've just been devoted to every flavor I got / But if you want to got loaded / Why don't you just order a shot? / Bar is open.

Brian: Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours.

Bonnie: Please, I don't want to end it this way.

Brian: Jesus, everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn't end.

Brian: Coughlin's law: never show surprise, never lose your cool.

[last lines]

Jordan: Bet I can still spook you.

Brian: No way.

[she whispers in his ear]

Brian: Twins? Twins?

[to everyone]

Brian: Twins! Drinks are on the house!

Uncle Pat: No! No!

Brian: The bar is open!

Doug: Mighty Casey has struck out.

Brian: The game's not over yet. It wouldn't be any fun if they fell over with their legs in the air, would it?

Brian: I'm looking for the Manager.

Doug: What's the problem? Did you find a hair in your quiche?

Brian: No, I'm looking for a job.

Doug: Ah, you'd like to put a hair in somebody else's quiche.

[Jordan is drawing a picture of Brian]

Brian: So this is your profession.

Jordan: More like my... obsession.

Brian: To pay the rent?

Jordan: Someday it will.

Brian: Listen, I'm sorry I called you a bitch.

Eleanor: Why? I am a bitch.

[Flanagan's advice to his unborn child:]

Brian: If Jordan gives birth to a fine Irish son / There will be Cocktails and Dreams for him one day to run / A business that will yield the financial windfall / To be franchised in every suburban shopping mall. / If a daughter arrives to bless our clan / I guess the shit will finally hit the fan / But this I shall promise thee / I'll never let her marry a guy like me. / Still if our child is the naughtiest of girls or the wildest of young men / I swear I'll be the best dad I can / And never ever get spooked again.

Brian: You're offering me a job?

Doug: Uh huh.

Brian: The waitresses hate me!

Doug: You wait till you've given them crabs. Then you'll really know hatred.

[Jordan has returned to her father's Park Avenue penthouse to find Brian arguing with him]

Brian: I think there's a chance for us.

Jordan: Brian, there is no "us." There's too many things about "us" that don't work.

Brian: What about the baby? A kid needs a father.

Jordan: Not one who's not going to be around in a year?

Mr. Mooney: Yeah, with your lifestyle, what kind of a father would you...

Jordan: Dad!

Brian: Not a goddamned thing any one of those professors says makes a difference on the street.

Doug: If you know that, you're ready to graduate.

Brian: Should we let it breathe?

Doug: It hasn't breathed for fifty years, it's dead. Let's just drink it.

Brian: I'll stick with the brew.

Doug: Beer is for breakfast around here, drink or be gone.

Brian: [telling Bonnie he's moving out of her place] I left a can of Spam in your refrigerator... I hope your Brewers Yeast doesn't take it personally.

Brian: I'm willing to start at the bottom.

Job Interviewer: You're aiming too high.

Brian: [looking at Jordan's painting] Is this our waterfall?

Jordan: No.

Brian: It's terrific.

Jordan: Yeah, it's all right. The name's Mooney, not Monet.

Bonnie: I've been thinking about you all day.

Brian: Really? A plane ride home will cure that.

[first lines]

Brian: Come on, put it to the floor! Come on! Let's go!

Brian: You don't need to put your P in a V right now.

Peter Bretter: No, I need to B my L on someone's T's.

Brian: You gotta get your shit together, man.

Peter Bretter: I'm trying to. It's so hard here. Brian, everywhere I look I'm reminded of her, okay? Like, she got me this, okay because I would always leave my cereal boxes open, and the cereal would get stale, and so one day I came home, and she had this waiting for me, because it keeps my cereal fresh. And now I have the freshest cereal.

Brian: Look. Liz and I, we think the world of Sarah. We think she's great. But, and I'm just being honest here, every time she would come over to our house, she always acted, you know, like a... like a little bitch. Okay, okay, okay, pump the brakes.

Peter Bretter: Dating Sarah is not like dating Liz, okay? Sarah is better than Liz!

Brian: You really want to have this conversation? Do you really want to have this conversation?

Peter Bretter: Yes.

Brian: [screaming] She is the mother of my unborn child!

Peter Bretter: [meekly] Sorry.

Brian: You're my step-brother! We're not even blood! I have no qualms with sticking you! I will equalize you!

Peter Bretter: Sorry.

Brian: You dick!

Brian: What's up with that hat... what are you in the Buena Vista Social Club?

Peter Bretter: This is a nice hat.

Brian: What member of the brat pack are you? You look like one of those guys suspected of killing JFK.

Peter Bretter: [to Anne and her friend] I find you both sexually attractive.

Brian: Wrap it up.

Peter Bretter: [to Anne and her friend] I want to have sexual activity with either of you

[Anne begins laughing]

Peter Bretter: I just came out of a five year relationship so I'm not looking for anything serious, just sexual activity.

Brian: Pump the brakes.

Peter Bretter: [to Anne's friend] You wanna come home with me

[to Anne]

Peter Bretter: You wanna come home with me?

Ann at the Bar: [laughing] You're cracking me up!

Brian: Waste not, want not.

Johnny: And other clichés.

Brian: But a cliché is full of truth, otherwise it wouldn't be a cliché.

Johnny: Which is in itself a cliché.

Brian: What are you doing here?

Johnny: Well, I was standing over *there*, but that didn't seem to be working out for me, so I moved over here, but this one isn't much better.

Johnny: Has nobody not told you, Brian, that you've got this kind of gleeful preoccupation with the future? I wouldn't even mind, but you don't even have a fuckin' future, I don't have a future. Nobody has a future. The party's over. Take a look around you man, it's all breaking up. Are you not familiar with the book of Revelations of St. John, the final book of the Bible prophesying the apocalypse?... He forced everyone to receive a mark on his right hand or on his forehead so that no one shall be able to buy or sell unless he has the mark, which is the name of the beast, or the number of his name, and the number of the beast is 6-6-6... What can such a specific prophecy mean? What is the mark? Well the mark, Brian, is the barcode, the ubiquitous barcode that you'll find on every bog roll and packet of johnnies and every poxy pork pie, and every fuckin' barcode is divided into two parts by three markers, and those three markers are always represented by the number 6. 6-6-6! Now what does it say? No one shall be able to buy or sell without that mark. And now what they're planning to do in order to eradicate all credit card fraud and in order to precipitate a totally cashless society, what they're planning to do, what they've already tested on the American troops, they're going to subcutaneously laser tattoo that mark onto your right hand, or onto your forehead. They're going to replace plastic with flesh. Fact! In the same book of Revelations when the seven seals are broken open on the day of judgment and the seven angels blow the trumpets, when the third angel blows her bugle, wormwood will fall from the sky, wormwood will poison a third part of all the waters and a third part of all the land and many many many people will die! Now do you know what the Russian translation for wormwood is?... Chernobyl! Fact. On August the 18th, 1999, the planets of our solar system are gonna line up into the shape of a cross... They're gonna line up in the signs of Aquarius, Leo, Taurus, and Scorpio, which just happen to correspond to the four beasts of the apocalypse, as mentioned in the book of Daniel, another fuckin' fact! Do you want me to go on? The end of the world is nigh, Brian, the game is up!

Brian: I don't believe that. Life can't just come to a stop.

Johnny: All right, I'm not saying that life will end or the world will end, or the universe will cease to exist. But man will cease to exist! Just like the dinosaurs passed into extinction, the same thing will happen to us! We're not fuckin' important! We're just a crap idea!

Johnny: And what is it what goes on in this postmodern gas chamber?

Brian: Nothing. It's empty.

Johnny: So what is it you guard, then?

Brian: Space.

Johnny: You're guarding space? That's stupid, isn't it? Because someone could break in there and steal all the fuckin' space and you wouldn't know it's gone, would you?

Brian: Good point.

Johnny: Look, if you take the whole of time and represent it by one year, were only in the first few moments of the first of January. There's a long way to go. Only now were not going to spout extra limbs and wings and fins because evolution itself is evolving. When it comes, the apocalypse itself will be part of the process of that leap of evolution.

Brian: Yeah, well. Whatever happens mankind will not cease to exist

Johnny: We must! By the very definition of apocalypse, mankind must cease to exist, at least in a material form.

Brian: What do you mean, in a material form?

Johnny: We will evolve.

Brian: What into?

Johnny: We'll evolve into something that transcends matter, into a species of pure thought. Are you with me?

Brian: Yeah... like a ghost

Johnny: Not like a fucking ghost you big girl's blouse! Into something thats well beyond our comprehension. Into a universal consciousness. Into God. Who is by the same principle that time is.

Brian: You don't believe in God

Johnny: Of course I believe in God

Brian: Would you like a mint?

Johnny: Is this a new policy? Ply the culprit with menthol?

Brian: Yes, it is a boring job. Bloody boring, actually. But all you can see is the tip of the iceberg, the present, the tedious here and now. What you're incapable of seeing is the rest of time, the rest of the iceberg, past and the future - my future - which is a very interesting place to be. The good thing about this job is that it gives me time and space to contemplate the future at my leisure, whilst the city sleeps, free from the cacophonous curiosity of the hoi polloi. So, you see, it's not a boring job. And I'm not boring either.

Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?

Reg: Fuck off! 'Judean People's Front'. We're the People's Front of Judea! 'Judean People's Front'.

Francis: Wankers.

Pontius Pilate: So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?

Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.

Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?

Brian: 'Naughtius Maximus'.

[the Centurion laughs]

Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?

Centurion: Well, no, sir.

Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?

Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.

Pontius Pilate: [guard chuckles] What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "

Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.

Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.

[guard chuckles]

Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.

Brian: Can I go now, sir?

[slap]

Brian: Aaah! Eh.

Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!

[guard chuckles]

Pontius Pilate: Wight! Take him away!

Centurion: Oh, sir, he - he only...

Pontius Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.

Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you.

[takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically]

Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...

[another guard chuckles]

Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?

[more chuckling]

Pontius Pilate: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...

[chuckle]

Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?

[both guards chuckle]

Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks

Pontius Pilate: [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this?

Pontius Pilate: [laughing continues] I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!

Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!

Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.

Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!

Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!

Brian: Now, fuck off!

[silence]

Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

Brian: Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.

The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!

Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!

The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!

Brian: You're all different!

The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!

Man in crowd: I'm not...

The Crowd: Sch!

Ex-Leper: Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?

Brian: Did you say "ex-leper"?

Ex-Leper: That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.

Brian: Well, what happened?

Ex-Leper: Oh, cured, sir.

Brian: Cured?

Ex-Leper: Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!

Brian: Who cured you?

Ex-Leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.

Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth?

Brian: You sanctimonious bastards!

Centurion: I have an order for his release!

Brian: You stupid bastards!

Mr. Cheeky: Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.

Brian: What?

Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.

Centurion: Take him down!

Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!

Victim #1: Eh, I'm Brian!

Mr. Big Nose: I'm Brian!

Victim #2: Look, I'm Brian!

Brian: I'm Brian!

Victims: I'm Brian!

Gregory: I'm Brian, and so's my wife!

Victims: I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...

Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!

Centurion: All right. Take him away and release him.

Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!

Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?

Brian's mother: Stop thinking about sex!

Brian: I wasn't!

Brian's mother: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "

Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!

Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.

Brian: I'm not a roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!

Brian: What will they do to me?

Ben the Prisoner: Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion.

Brian: CRUCIFIXION?

Ben the Prisoner: Yeah, first offense.

Ex-Leper: Half a dinare for me bloody life story?

Brian: There's no pleasing some people.

Ex-Leper: That's just what Jesus said, sir.

Brian: [Brian is in a prison cell with Ben who is hanging from chains] Oh lay off, I've had a hard time!

Ben the Prisoner: You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.

Reg: [arriving at Brian's crucifixion] Hello, Sibling Brian.

Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg.

Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "

Brian: What?

Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.

Mrs. Big Nose: [a crowd is listening to Jesus speak] Don't pick your nose!

Mr. Big Nose: I wasn't pickin' my nose! I was scratchin' it!

Mrs. Big Nose: You was pickin' it, while you was talkin' to that lady!

Mr. Big Nose: I wasn't!

Mrs. Big Nose: Leave it alone! Give it a rest!

Stan: Do you mind? I can't 'ear a word he's sayin'!

Mrs. Big Nose: Don't you 'Do you mind' me! I was talkin' to my 'usband!

Stan: Well, go and talk to 'im somewhere else! I can't 'ear a bloody thing!

Mr. Big Nose: Don't you swear at my wife!

Stan: I was only askin' 'er to shut up, so we can 'ear what he's sayin', 'Big Nose'.

Mrs. Big Nose: Don't you call my 'usband 'Big Nose'!

Stan: Well, he 'as got a big nose!

Man #1: [trying to hear Jesus] Would you be quiet, please. What was that?

Stan: I don't know; I was too busy talkin' to 'Big Nose'.

Man #2: I think it was: 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'!

Wife: What's so special about the cheese-makers?

Husband: Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally - it refers to any manufacturer of... dairy products.

Stan: See? If you 'adn't been goin' on, we'd 'ave 'eard that, 'Big Nose'!

Mr. Big Nose: Say that once more - I'll smash your bloody face in!

Stan: Better keep listening; might be a bit about 'Blessed are the Big Noses'.

Brian: Lay off him!

Stan: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conk-face... Where are you two from? 'Nose City'?

Mr. Big Nose: One more time, mate! I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!

Mrs. Big Nose: Language! And don't pick your nose!

Ben the Prisoner: Quite the jailer's pet, are we?

Brian: What do you mean?

Ben the Prisoner: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?

Brian: Slipped him a few shekels-you saw him spit in my face!

Ben the Prisoner: Oh, what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face.

Brian: Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles!

Ben the Prisoner: Manacles! Ooooh, my idea of heaven, is to be allowed to be put in manacles. Just for a few hours... they must think the sun shines out your ass, sonny.

Reg: If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.

Brian: I do!

Reg: Oh yeah, how much?

Brian: A lot!

Reg: Right, you're in.

[On the run from Roman soldiers, Brain lands on a public stage prophets. Brian quickly decides to disgues himself as one]

Brian: [Unsure and stuttering] Don't... pass judgement... on other people, or you might be judged yourself.

Passer-by: [as if shocked] What?

Brian: I said, don't pass judgement on others or you might be judged yourself.

Passer-by: [in small, squeaky voice] Who me? Oh, Thank you very much!

Brian: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?

Ex-Leper: Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.

[Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house]

Brian: They must have just popped by!

Brian's mother: Popped by? SWARMED by, more like! There's a multitude out there!

Brian: You have to be different!

The Crowd: Yes, we are all different!

Small lonely voice: I'm not!

Brian: You silly sods!

Brian: No, no. Please, please please listen. I've got one or two things to say.

The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!

Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!

The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!

Brian: You're all different!

The Crowd: Yes! We're all different!

Man in crowd: I'm not...

Man in crowd: Shhh!

Brian: You've all got to work it out for yourselves.

The Crowd: Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves!

Brian: Exactly!

The Crowd: Tell us more!

Brian: No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise - Ow! Ow!

Brian: [in his book] Thousands of years ago, somebody came up with the idea of impermanence of the beauty and inevitability of change. I'm pretty sure they had just been dumped.

Brian: I had a long time to consider the value of memory, and the idea that just because something doesn't last forever doesn't mean its worth is diminished. Maybe it was just a rationalization - easier on the soul than mourning what might have been - the life unlived. I honestly don't know, but I chose to believe in memory. I chose to believe in her. I chose to believe that the bond was never broken and that we carried each other in our hearts. As a secret singularity. She made me a writer. She made me a man.

Brian: There would be other loves. Even great loves. But she was right, only one remained perfect.

[last lines]

Brian: I don't know if I'll ever see her again. I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad one. But I will promise you this. Your favorite story, whatever it might be, was written for one reader.

Brian: As little as you want to write when you're happy, that's now much you have to write when you're miserable. Your passions need to go somewhere, and this is the only place left. Your suffering has to be good for something. It's not for me to say if the words were worth the price.

[first lines]

Brian: Some of the best writing in New York won't be found in books, or movies, or plays, but on the benches of Central Park. Read the benches, and you understand.

Brian: In New York, you're never more than 20 feet away from someone you know, or someone you're meant to know.

Arielle: Just so you know, you're a natural lover. Your body expresses beautifully what's in your heart.

Brian: I'm just going to write that down...

Brian: So you're married?

Arielle: Ofcourse, what did you think?

Brian: I thought you were *not* married.

Arielle: Why would you think that?

Brian: Why would I *not* think that? For one thing you don't wear a wedding ring.

Arielle: So American. You need a sign post for everything or you'll completely lose your way.

Brian: Your children are amazing.

Valery: [chuckles] Thank you.

Brian: Are they real, or are they from a catalogue?

Valery: Uh, they're from a catalogue.

Arielle: [in wine shop] Okay, we'll start very simply. Taste, please, this glass. Is it white or red?

Brian: [blindfolded] Red.

Arielle: My God.

Brian: [removing his blindfold] Ah, really? You gotta be shitting me!

Arielle: You have the palate of a water buffalo. That is about to change. Replace the blindfold, please. Take a small piece of baguette to cleanse the palate.

Brian: [scene shifts to a bar] Okay. Please drink from this glass. Is it the Miller High Life, or the Guinness stout?

Arielle: The Miller High Life.

Brian: Oh boy.

Arielle: What?

[in French]

Arielle: Fuck!

Brian: We have a lot of work to do.

Arielle: I was sure it was Miller High Life.

Brian: Now please take a buffalo chicken wing to obliterate the palate.

Brian: It's one of two things. Or possibly both.

Arielle: What is?

Brian: Either no one is immune to your charms, or the world really can surprise you with its grace.

Sam: A married French woman, 33 years of age, with two children. You could stop that sentence anywhere along the way, and have reason enough not to be in the relationship.

Brian: Dad...

Sam: These are the same French who didn't let us fly over their country on the way to Khadafi.

Brian: Okay, but it's not her Frenchness that's really bothering you.

Sam: No, but I can't discuss her marital or parental status, because if I do my pancreas will explode. So instead, I'm dwelling on the relatively benign, but still objectionable issue of her Frenchness.

Brian: Okay, but...

Sam: In the war, the French couldn't wait to give up their Jews.

Brian: Nobody could wait to give up their Jews...

Sam: Also, they surrendered three times in the same war. Have you any idea how hard that is to do?

Brian: What does that have to do with anything?

Sam: Because this is who you're dealing with.

Jane: Life is a collection of moments. The idea is to have as many good ones as you can.

Brian: See, I was taught that there are no free lunches. That one day, the rent comes due, the other shoe drops and you suffer a thousand fold.

Jane: Who raised you?

Brian: Jews.

Sam: [arriving at restaurant] Your mother's standing.

Brian: I know.

Arlene: They have no folding chairs here.

Sam: It's The Carlyle, Arlene.

[to Arielle]

Sam: You know when we first met, she only sent back entrées. Now it's chairs.

Brian: In my culture, if we didn't have things to judge harshly, we wouldn't know what to do all day.

Arielle: I'm sad. It was the beginning.

Brian: Of what?

Arielle: Belief.

Brian: Till then, then.

Arielle: A 5 to 7 relationship is a relationship outside of marriage.

Brian: Seriously, the french actually block out time for that?

Arielle: No.

Brian: 1 to 3 lunch, 3 to 5 conference call, 5 to 7 commit adultery.

Arielle: Look...

Brian: Do you set aside time to break other commandments? Do you cover at 9:30? Worship false idols from 10 to noon?

Brian: Arielle, you're older than I am, you're wiser I'm sure and you've seen much more of the world. And you're beautiful, and elegant, and smart, and funny, and interesting, and you feel like family which is wonderful.

Arielle: Are you seriously telling me that the "but" is coming at the end of this sentence?

Brian: Sometimes, life is... really something.

Arielle: Maybe you should write fortune cookies.

Brian: [Arielle and Arlene kiss goodbye] Look at that dad, she fucked her twice.

Brian: America is alive, okay and you have a somewhat downbeat world view.

Arielle: No, I don't. And prove it.

Brian: Prove what?

Arielle: That America is still alive.

Brian: Look around.

Arielle: They don't seem particularly alive to me. Prove it.

Brian: Alright.

[He kisses her]

Arielle: [talking about her husband's lover] One Day, I will stand next to her at his funeral.

Brian: Is that gonna be anytime soon?

Arielle: Always look the person in the eye when you touch glasses.

Brian: I know. 7 years of bad luck.

Arielle: Bad luck? That's the american version?

Brian: Yes. What's the french?

Arielle: 7 years of bad sex.

Brian: Good lord.

Arielle: I think that tells you everything you need to know about our two cultures.

Brian: Yes. Yours is very optimistic. I mean a lot of people after, like, year 5 of bad sex, they'd give up; but you guys really hang in there.

Arielle: Can no american watch a film without popcorn?

Brian: That's right.

Arielle: Do you chomp popcorn when you read literature?

Brian: [nods side to side] I eat sunflower seeds and I spit the shells into a little cup.

Brian: Dad, the meaning of the verb "baiser" which used to mean to kiss has changed a bit over the years.

Sam: It has?

Brian: Yes.

Sam: What does it mean now?

Brian: [whispers] It means to fuck.

Sam: Oh god!

[to Arielle]

Sam: Pardon my french.

Brian: Je t'aime... Just for the record.

Jane: Get your head right. Get your head right right now because you're about to have the most important conversation of your life. And it's not just your future here. It's mine too. So can you do it? Can you put the French lady out of your mind for nine seconds? Please. Just stick out your hand. Say, 'How do you do, sir?' like a normal human being. So you can have the career that you have always dreamed of... or are you just gonna blow it and incinerate and dissolve like a Kleenex in a fat man's sneeze? Is your head right? Is your head right? Is *your head* right?

Brian: You're much crazier than I'am.

Brian: [thinking] Brian Bloom. I believe I'm expected. What? Don't say that. Brian Bloom. Invited guest. No, no, no, that's silly.

[door opens]

Brian: Hi! Uh... Brian Bloom reporting for dinner.

Mr. Solomon: Come in, but take off shoes.

Brian: You're wearin' yours.

Mr. Solomon: It's my house.

Brian: First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.

Thurgood Jenkins: You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.

Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.

Kenny: That's it?

Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy.

Kenny: You got it.

Brian: Lady, seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five.

Record Store Customer: Ugh-huh, he autographed it himself.

Brian: All right, I'll give you four.

Brian: I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do and... FLIP OUT man... all I wanna know is... who's coming with me? Who's coming, man? Who's coming with me?

Brian: For 400 dollars I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man!

Thurgood Jenkins: Who the fuck told you that?

Brian: The man who sold it to me, Barry Garcia.

Thurgood Jenkins: So who is that, Jerry Garcia's brother?

Brian: No, actually it was Andy Garcia's brother.

Thurgood Jenkins: [to Mary Jane] Listen, I really like you. I was just wondering maybe if you're interested we can go out later and get some ice cream or something...

Scarface: OOH! MOTHER FUCKER SAID ICE CREAM!

Brian: BLAH BLAH ICE CREAM! YOU'RE SUCH A DORK, MAN!

Thurgood Jenkins: Damn!

Brian: You said you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace!

Thurgood Jenkins: Obviously you missed the whole point of that story, Brian.

Scarface: Don't worry, man. All we gotta do to get you out is to get ten percent of ten million dollars. Which by our calculations is...

Brian: ...Fucking impossible, man!

Thurgood Jenkins: You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.

Scarface: Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.

Thurgood Jenkins: Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?

Scarface: I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!

Brian: No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes. Yeah!

Detective: Hey! You paying attention?

Brian: No.

Brian: Hey, Jan... will you be my girlfriend?

Jan: Well, I would, but I'm gay. I'm a big dyke.

Brian: Oh. What's that like?

Thurgood Jenkins: Oh my goodness! Now that is a titty! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

Brian: Bully! That's a certified fully!

Brian: [after burying Killer] What happened, man?

Scarface: You wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. Samson and his girls came rollin' up in here lookin' for me. 'Cause they said they was gonna mess me up if I didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy. So they probably ruffed The Guy up, then they started going to war with the apartment. They got num-chuks, bolos, they be doin' Indian burns... and Killer paid the price, yo. You know, he got the wrath. He got the wrath of the num-chuks, yo!

Brian: She's like the ones at the Baywatch. They make my penis sneeze.

Larry Gigli: You got a good sense of humor, you know that?

Brian: God bless you.

Larry Gigli: Thank you.

Brian: No, not you, stupid. When my penis sneezes, I say, 'God bless you'... God bless you, penis.

[Larry answers the door]

Larry Gigli: Yeah?

Robin: Who the fuck are you?

Larry Gigli: Who the fuck are *you*?

[Robin enters the apartment]

Larry Gigli: Excuse me.

Robin: What a shithole.

Larry Gigli: Lady, I think you're in the wrong place.

Robin: No, you're in the wrong place! You have no idea.

[She sees Brian]

Robin: Oh, and who the fuck are you?

Brian: You're the fuck are you.

Robin: What?

Brian: Huh?

Brian: [Robin nonchalantly cuts her wrists] Lady, you need some Band-Aids.

Brian: Larry, read to me.

Larry Gigli: What?

Brian: Read to me, Larry.

Ricki: Read to him, Larry.

Larry Gigli: I don't wanna read to him. What do I got to read to him for?

Brian: Read to me, Larry.

Larry Gigli: What for?

Brian: It soothes me down.

Larry Gigli: It soothes you down?

Ricki: Come on, Larry, read to him.

Larry Gigli: What am I gonna read? I got nothing here!

Ricki: Read him a book. You don't have a book?

Larry Gigli: I got a phone book.

Ricki: There you go.

[leaves the room]

Brian: Read to me, Larry.

Larry Gigli: All right, fine.

Larry Gigli: [Larry paces his head around for something to read for Brian and then picks up a nearby bottle of Tabasco sauce] Here you go.

[starts to read it]

Larry Gigli: Since eighteen sixty-eight, for well over a century, the adventurous flavor of Tabasco sauce has fired up generations of thrill-seekers.

Larry Gigli: Okay?

Brian: That was good.

[it is decided Jack is to go to school]

Karen Powell: You sure he'll be all right?

Brian: Honey, he'll be fine.

[they kiss Jack and go to bed]

Brian: [to himself] It's the rest of the world I'm worried about.

Karen Powell: Woodruff doesn't know what he's talking about.

Brian: If he doesn't know what he's talking about, then why are we paying him all this money to tutor Jack?

Karen Powell: I blame him for filling Jack's head with all these ideas of going to school.

Brian: Imagine that, a teacher wanting a kid to go to school.

Brian: You know I was just thinking about the first time you ever rode a bike. Remember that?

Jack: Oh yeah.

Brian: You were so determined to ride. You kept wiping out and nearly took out a couple of the neighbors. It took a couple days until you finally got it, and look at you now! I mean, you're riding like a pro!

Jack: [rambling into the phone really fast] Hey dad! I got to play basketball today. They picked me! Not just because I'm humongous, because I'm real good. Yeah I scored a thousand points. Yeah right it was only a hundred. I'm kidding it was fourteen. I scored! Yea, and I met this really cool kid named Louie. Not Louis, Louie. Yeah. His mom gave me some matches.

Brian: Okay slow down buddy, slow down.

Jack: Hey dad, Louie has some dirty magazines under his bed. What are dirty magazines? I got to be principal. Well, I pretended to be. And I got a lot of homework to do. I got a great homework assignment. And you know what? Miss Marquez ate one of my red gummybears and she said 'way to go,' but not because of the red gummybears. Because of the way I play basketball. Yeah it was great. She said Shaq better watch his back! She's what grandpa says is a real piece of work. She's really great. What are you doing?

Jack: Can I sleep in with you?

Brian: Yeah, oh course.

Jack: Stimpy, too?

Kevin Durant: Take this man. You'e gonna make this next shot.

Brian: This is an honour.

Kevin Durant: Thank you man I appreciate that.

Brian: I wish I had your talent.

Coach Amross: What are you doing in uniform?

Brian: I want to try out for the team again.

Coach Amross: Tryouts are over Billy.

Team: Ohhh!

Brian: My name's Brian

Brian: Hey and I need to fire Hector. You know, cuz of What's-her-face's purse and Dinkus' wallet.

Davenport: [coaxing the children for a shot] You'll just fall asleep and then you'll see Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Brian: I don't believe in Santa Claus.

Dr. Carter: What? You don't believe in Santa?

Sarah: [to the scientist who want her to breathe nitrous oxide] I don't know, my parents told me never to breathe anything from strangers.

Regina Belmont: [Regina comes in to rescue the kids with a revolver] Hey, get your hands up.

[the scientists and kids raise their hands and Regina picks up the toy bunny Sarah dropped]

Regina Belmont: What are you guys doing?

Sarah: They said if we breathe this, we can go to the North Pole to see Santa Clause.

Regina Belmont: That's so sick!

Samantha Belmont: [Samantha appears out of nowhere] Hey!

[Regina turns and fires at the voice, Samantha narrowly ducks and avoids the shot]

Samantha Belmont: Holy shit!

Brian: Whoa.

Regina Belmont: Sam?

Samantha Belmont: [with her hands up] I give, I give.

Regina Belmont: They said you were dead!

Samantha Belmont: [with a triumphant smile] They were exaggerating totally.

Regina Belmont: [running to Hector's car] Come on kids!

Hector Gomez: Who are the kids?

Brian: I'm Brian!

Sarah: I'm Sarah!

Regina Belmont: Yeah, and I'm aunt Reg, and that's aunt Sam, and that's uncle Hector.

Sarah: Can I have my bunny?

Regina Belmont: In a minute! Beat feet uncle Hector.

Hector Gomez: Uncle Hector?

Sarah: Hey, it's MY bunny you know.

Bailiff: Your honor, Case #456790: The People Vs. Mabel Simmons & Helen McCarter - Criminal trespassing, Reckless endangerment, Criminal possession of a handgun, Assault with a deadly weapon, Suspended license, Expired registration, Reckless driving, and a broken tailight.

Madea: [to Helen] Girl, I know it ain't who I think it is.

Judge Ephriam: [turning cross] I know you didn't say Mabel Simmons. Madea?

Madea: How you doin', uh, Judge Mablean? It's good to see - Ooh, your hair's pretty. Girl, look at you. You're lookin' good. How you been? Hey...

Judge Ephriam: [angry] You're still at it?

Madea: This ain't even my fault. See, what happened was...

Judge Ephriam: [cuts her off] Just save it! Who's here for the defense?

[Brian, Madea's nephew walks into the courtroom]

Brian: Brian Simmons, on behalf of Mrs. McCarter and Mrs. Simmons, your honor.

Judge Ephriam: Brian.

Brian: How you doing, Judge Ephriam?

Judge Ephriam: Brian, I am getting tired of seein' your aunt.

Madea: [under her breath] Getting tired of seein' you.

Helen: Women love hard.

Brian: And men don't?

Helen: Not like women do.

Brian: We may not love as easy but when we love, we love hard.

Brian: It won't happen again.

Judge Ephriam: Yeah, I'll bet. Bail is set at $5,000 for Mrs. McCarter, property of cash. But as for you, Madea, I'm placing you under house arrest!

Madea: You ain't gonna put me on no house arrest, honey. I ain't gonna deal with that!

Judge Ephriam: It's either that or prison! What's your choice?

Madea: [convinced] I'll take the house arrest.

Matchmaker Patty: Brian Thompson, male, 33. Wow, how'd you get this far without a TiMER?

Brian: I'm from Oklahoma.

Matchmaker Patty: Um hmm, say no more.

[first lines]

Brian: Am I late?

Oona: Hi! No. Yes, 5 minutes, but who's counting.

Brian: We are, right?

Brian: Hey fuck you pal!

Nick Ragoni: Fuck you back!

Brian: Fuck your mother!

Nick Ragoni: Oh yeah no one would wanna fuck my mother cause she's too damn ugly!

[Turns to Jerry]

Nick Ragoni: I just lost it there didn't I.

Jerry Robinson: [while nodding] Ya.

Aylmer: [to Brian] Why, Brian! Hello! How are ya? How ya doin?

Brian: [Weakly] Help me... please, help me.

Aylmer: Why, of course I'll help ya, Brian! You and me are pals. I'll be happy to help you... But you'll have to feed me first.

Brian: Elmer? You fucking named him Elmer?

Aylmer: You're a wreck, Brian. You've got to relax. Why don't you put me on your neck and 'calm down?'

Brian: No way! It's not gonna happen again!

Aylmer: What isn't?

Brian: Killing people!

Aylmer: Oh.

[laughs]

Aylmer: I thought you meant getting high!

Brian: We can't keep killing people every time you're hungry!

Aylmer: Oh yes we can. We'll do anything I want us to do. You're mine now, Brian. I *own* you...

Aylmer: [Elmer taunts Brian as he coughs and retches on the floor] What's the matter, Brian? Feeling ill?

Brian: Shut up!

Aylmer: Oh, please Brian! You're not gonna throw up in front of me, are you? I don't want to watch this. Why'd you bring me here? Why couldn't you leave me home? I'll tell you why, Brian. It's because you know you're not going to win. You know you're gonna need my juice.

[laughs]

Aylmer: You know the pain is going to get so great that only my juice will stop it. Only my juice will help you. You know that, don't you, Brian? Deep down inside you know that...

Aylmer: This is the start of your new life, Brian. A life without worry or pain or loneliness, a life filled instead with colors and music and, euphoria... A life of light and pleasure.

Brian: But who are you? What are you?

Aylmer: I am you, Brian. I'm all you'll ever need.

Brian: I don't understand.

Aylmer: You will, Brian. From now on your life will take on a whole new light, and all you have to do is look into the light, and listen. Listen to the light, Brian, just listen to the light...

Brian: Yes, yes, I'd like to again, but... I don't see it now.

Aylmer: Then I'll make you a deal. I'll show you the light, if you'll take me for a walk.

Brian: A walk? Where?

Aylmer: Anywhere you like. I'm, uh, hungry.

Brian: Wait, wait, I'm confused! I'm not following any of this.

Aylmer: Then don't worry about it. You don't need to worry about anything ever again. I'll do all your thinking for you. Just put me on the back off your neck, and everything will be fine.

Brian: My neck? Oh, you mean the hole, I-wait, I don't know.

Aylmer: Trust me, Brian, trust me...

Brian: You know how someone's appearance can change the longer you know them? How a really attractive person, if you don't like them, can become more and more ugly; whereas someone you might not have even have noticed... that you wouldn't look at more than once, if you love them, can become the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. All you want to do is be near them.

Abby: I have to tell you something.

Brian: What?

Abby: The other night on the phone...I'm pregnant.

Brian: Oh darling...are you sure it was me?

Abby: I don't know. I made a lot of phone calls that night.

Dr. Abby Barnes: How's it going?

Brian: Yeah, well, he snores, which was a problem, um, but we solved it.

Dr. Abby Barnes: How'd you do that?

Brian: Well, he slept on my face and I couldn't hear him any more.

Abby: You forgot to say I love you because you're beautiful.

Brian: No, I didn't. I mean, she is. But that's not why I love her.

Abby: OK. So say you meet one of these no sparks women, and you really take the time to get to know her and then you become intellectually stimulated by her. You just really enjoy her personality, thereby igniting all your lust and passion. Have you ever thought about that?

Brian: Are you going to eat that?

[over the phone]

Dr. Abby Barnes: Say something.

Brian: I want to make love to you.

Dr. Abby Barnes: Never on the first phone call.

Abby: What are we discussing?

Brian: Well there's the issue of Hank, who's in a terrible state without you.

Brian: Abby, I only ever loved one woman and I don't want to lose her twice.

Brian: Throw something to me. Throw something you've been wearing and then I'll go.

[Abby throws her sneaker out the window and Brian catches it]

Brian: Wow...it's a Ked!

Cranky Neighbor: Will you shut up?

Brian: Who are you? What is this? Is this some kind of weird game you two play for kicks, you take some guy and see how much you can screw him up!

Abby: No, it was a mistake.

Brian: You're dumb and beautiful, and you're smart and - I gotta go.

Dr. Abby Barnes: Brian! Oh.

Brian: Guess some other lucky person will make that $4,000 a month.

Brian, Madea: You know what? I believe it would be the greatest Christianity thing I could do to help somebody in need. So I'm gonna go ahead and make up these sheets and clean up.

[drunken and dressed as a zombie]

Steve: Brian, really, who do I look like?

Brian: [agitated] For the third time... Boris Karloff as "The Mummy".

Brian: [to the Klansmen] This zemel has been used to chop off literally hundreds of foreskins... what better to shave the heads of a bunch of pricks like you?

Brian: [as he prepares to shave the heads of the Klansmen] We will almost certainly have to retire this zemel when this is all over!

Brian: Yes, well, apparently you were a little... drunk at your tutorial today.

Dr. Frank Bryant: No.

Brian: No?

Dr. Frank Bryant: No. I was a lot drunk.

Brian: Oh, Frank, why do you do it? When you've got... well, what haven't you got?

Dr. Frank Bryant: A drink at the moment.

Brian: Could you be nice to me?

Gloria: I have got a needle in my ass right now.

Brian: Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you never use the phrase "cervical mucous flow" around me again?

Brian: [while having a fatal seizure] Fick mich! Fick mich! Fick mich in meinen Arsch!

Dorothy: What is the matter with him? Is he German?

Lee: All queens rise

[they all rise and put their hands on their breasts]

Brian: Oh blessed Saint Mary of drag queens. Please grant your never humble servants and our new friends with grace, jewels, and support hose.

Lee, Brian, Paul, Robert: Gay-men

Connie, Carla: Gay-men

Paul: That's not my name.

Brian: How about Patty like me, Patty Cake.

Paul: No.

Robert: Patty O'Furniture.

Paul: No.

Robert: Patty Pooper.

Paul: No!

Larry Arbogast: Did you know women are 20 times more likely to be depressed than men? Maybe more, can't remember the exact number - it's a lot more.

Brian: That's good... for men.

Larry Arbogast: Not really, when you think about it heterosexually.

Al Lolly: Alright... I'll send my girl by this afternoon... take a look, work out the financing. Fourteen grand is the price you quoted me not a penny more so don't try to Jew the price up on me. You're not... Jewish, are you?

Brian: No, I'm not, but there's...

Al Lolly: [interrupting] Good. Just a figure of speech. I'm half Jew myself. I work with Jews. They Jew me all day long so I can say it.

Happy: [lying on bed] Hey! Can you see up my skirt?

Brian: [looking] Not really.

Happy: Great!

Al Lolly: [getting in car after Happy and Brian secretly had sex there] Smells like a wharf net in here.

Happy: What?

Brian: What?

Al Lolly: You heard me. Smells like low tide.

Happy: That's weird.

Brian: I don't smell anything.

Happy: What are you reading?

Brian: Uh, it's an article about a Tibetan Rinpoche who plays basketball with some other monks in Arizona. It says they got in fight with five advertising executives in front of a bunch of kids. What are you reading?

Happy: Um... mostly just ads.

Happy: Do you have any interest in having sex with me?

Brian: [swallows] Yeah.

Happy: Really?

Brian: Uh huh.

Happy: Now?

Brian: Uh huh.

Mr. Weathersby: Here we are, walking together in the woods and if you can aspire to the walking in the woods with your kids after they've made it as far as we've made it, then I-I think you've done a right thing.

Brian: [whispers] That makes sense.

Mr. Weathersby: [whispers] That makes sense? Not really.

Brian: It sounds kinda shady.

Conner Williams: Does it? Or does it sound *awesome*?

Al Lolly: You mess her up, I'll kill your parents. Your parents still alive?

Brian: Yes.

Al Lolly: Good.

Brian: [first lines - watching rats swimming] Okay, he stopped.

Larry Arbogast: Which one?

Brian: S-seven.

Larry Arbogast: Start the stopwatch.

Brian: Is he okay?

Larry Arbogast: Yeah, he's fine... Stop.

Brian: What does that mean?

Larry Arbogast: Nothing. Well, the logic is that when forced into an aversive situation, i.e., being dumped into a pool, the rat will oscillate between attempts to escape and resigning to its fate.

Brian: Oh, and this guy gave up.

Larry Arbogast: Today he did.

Brian: Does he usually?

Larry Arbogast: Yeah. See, I'm trying to quantify how helpless this one feels, and why more today than yesterday. Though it seems that Mr. Seven is always a little bit of a quitter.

Al Lolly: You know I had brain cancer once, Brian?

Brian: No...

Al Lolly: Yup. A Huge tumor on the recesses of my temporal lobe.

Brian: But you're okay now...

Al Lolly: Yep. 100% holistic. No chemo, no radiation.

Brian: Whad you do?

Al Lolly: I mapped the pathology of the cancer with my mind. Very Chinese. Yep. Glad I moved it. I got it with meditation. I pushed it down to the fatty tissue of my temporal lobe, 2 months. Then I moved it down into my nasal cavity, 3 months. Then, then one day I just hocked it up. About the size of a little squash bar, maybe bigger. Do you play squash Brian?

Brian: Getting in shape?

Clem: I don't think there's really anything wrong with my shape, thank you very much.

Brian: I know.

Georgina Salt: We're in a park and Clem needed a wee, so...

Brian: [Ben laughs] The tree gets it.

[Ben and Georgina both laugh]

Clem: If you don't mind, I would actually like a bit of privacy, so thank you.

Clem: Ben, can you please go back to your friends so I can have a wee? Thank you.

Brian: I suppose watching is out of the question?

Georgina Salt: Ew.

Garrett: There is nothing unrelatable about sex with animals. I know a lot of people who've done it.

Brian: Sex with one's dog is the new sex with one's cat.

Tricia: Robert!

Robert: Hello, Tricia.

Tricia: Brian, this is Robert.

Brian: Oh right. The Trekkie, right?

Robert: Fuck you both.

Mae: So Jennie Sue, have you and Brian given any thought to what you'll name the children?

Brian: Mom...

Mae: Well I'm just makin' conversation!

Brian: Great salad.

Salsa Rojah: Anything else you need tossed?

Chase: I'm looking for a stud.

[Brian looks at him]

Chase: In the wall?

Brian: Oh. Right.

Brian: You mean you're hanging out with male strippers?

Mae: Well, just the one!

Mae: [Answering to the door to Salsa and Kitty] Oh, it's so good of you to come!

Brian: Oh, yeah, because we always have drag queens over for dinner.

Brian: [to Dwight] Never give an Irishman a cause for revenge.

Ronnie: Remember - we don't have to deliver every last inch of the man, Brian!

Brian: You're right, Ronnie - lend us your knife.

Brian: Want the head there, sweetheart? Come and get it!

[Dwight jumps into the sewer, guns blazing]

Brian: I coulda put a bullet in your ear just now, laddy, if I hadn't gone off and got me revolver all wet and useless. You got the drop on me love. I'm as helpless as a baby.

[big explosion]

Brian: Better come clean with ya now, sweetheart. That was an outright lie I was giving ya about me revolver being wet. You see, I'm not too fond of shooting. It's my preference to blow things up. Once you blast the roof off a pub, and see all the parts flying off people, a little bang-bang's never going to match the sight of that. And here I am with all these fine grenades, and such a sweet beauty of a remote. But it's my knife I'll be doin' you with.

Brian: [tossing a grenade at Miho] Suck on this, you stupid slag!

Frank: What the fuck is this?

Brian: What does it look like?

Frank: It's a gun. What's a gun doing here?

[throws the gun to Tonny]

Brian: Can I get it back?

Frank: No, not right now.

Anthony: Yeah, they suck really good. Just like you, Ruby.

Ritchie: Come on. Relax.

Ruby: Yeah, I learned from your mother, dick.

Anthony: You gonna let your sister talk that way to me?

Brian: She's my half-sister.

Ritchie: Come on. Get lost.

Brian: Twat did you say? I cunt hear.

Anthony: I have an in-f*ck-tion in my ear. What did you you say?

Ruby: Don't you assholes ever grow up! What the f*ck is your problem?

Joey T: You know, with that reward money, I'm gonna start a college fund for my daughter.

Brian: I'd buy a yacht. Like Hugh Hefner, I'd get Playboy bunnies walkin' around.

Anthony: You can't get a yacht with ten grand. You're gonna wind up with a row boat with two Puerto Rican skanks.

Brian: What are you talkin' about.

Anthony: When I get that money, I'm gonna take both my parents home to Sicily for a whole f*ckin' month.

Joey T: Hey, what'd I tell you about your filthy mouth in front of my daughter. Apologize to the princess.

Bobby Del Fiore: Hello, Brian.

Brian: Hey-hey-hey, Bobby the Fairy! How's it hangin'? Huh?

Bobby Del Fiore: That's Mrs. Del Fiore to you, sweetheart. And don't wear it out.

Joey T: Listen, we got four names on the list. Read that list.

Brian: All right. All right, right at the top we got Ritchie the Freak, Billy the Jew, Jimmy Delfini, and that one guy that drives the bus to City Island.

Woodstock: I know who the killer is. I figured it out. Reggie Jackson.

Anthony: What the f*ck is wrong with you?

Joey T: What's the matter with you?

Woodstock: I'm serious. Son of Sam. Uncle Sam. Yankee Doodle Dandy. Bronx Bombers. New York f*ckin' Yankees.

Brian: What, he makes an ass of you. You don't know.

Woodstock: What kind of guns does the killer use? 44 caliber, right? What's Reggie's number? 44.

[Laying on the ground as a woman passes by]

Kevin Cole: Her dress is so short, you can see her clint.

Brian: What?

Kevin Cole: Her clint, it's in her pussy.

Howie: You mean "clit."

Kevin Cole: Fuck you, I mean like... clintasaurus.

Howie: It's clitoris, you fuckin' idiot.

Kevin Cole: It's a CLINT.

Brian: Yeah, like you can see Clint Eastwood in her pussy.

Brian: Howie, if you do stuff with guys, that's gay stuff. If you do stuff with girls, that's straight stuff.

[Flipping through a magazine]

Kevin Cole: Hey-hey, it's Captain Kirk. Ever see that old Star Trek show where there's a bad Captain Kirk and a good one? And Spock, and Dr. Phones...

Brian: You mean "Bones"?

Kevin Cole: What? It's Phones McCoy.

Brian: "Bones" is a nickname for doctor, idiot.

Kevin Cole: No, it's like get the doctor on the phone, like house calls.

Brian: It's BONES.

Kevin Cole: It's Phones.

Brian: Holy shit, who doesn't love a girl who knows the Dewey Decimal system.

Brian: OK, what's the story?

Stathis Borans: She's pregnant and she wants an abortion.

Brian: In the middle of the night?

Stathis Borans: We have good reason to believe this child will be deformed.

Brian: Yeah, but in the middle of the night...

Stathis Borans: Look, Brian, please.

Brian: Is it your child?

Stathis Borans: No. It's the... child of a man who is deformed.

Brian: Look, I don't mean to interfere, but I detect a certain uncertainty here. You know, there are tests we can do that can determine whether or not...

Ronnie: I don't want tests. Tests can't guarantee anything. The baby could start off normal and then become...

Ronnie: [determinedly] I want an abortion. I'll do it myself if I have to.

[to the players in the locker room]

Steff: Listen up, ladies. Brian Riley is going to USC, motherfuckers!

Brian: All I have to do is maintain my fantastic 2.0 grade-point average, and everything is cool.

Brian: What is it darling?

Sally: GOD DAMN IT, I'M GOING TO HAVE A BABY!

Brian: Screw Maximilian!

Sally: I do.

Brian: So do I.

Sally: You two bastards!

Brian: Two? Two? Shouldn't that be three?

Sally: Well obviously those three girls were just...

Brian, Sally: [both laughing] ... the wrong three girls.

Brian: Sally is rather knowledgeable in these areas.

Fritz: You do what Sally says, you end up I think in prison.

Sally: Bri, listen... we're practically living together, so if you only like boys I wouldn't dream of pestering you.

[pause]

Sally: Well, do you sleep with girls or don't you?

Brian: Sally! You don't ask questions like that!

Sally: I do.

Brian: [after trying a prairie oyster for the first time] Peppermint prairie oysters?

Sally: Oh, you got the toothpaste glass!

[laughs a little]

Brian: I was bleeding, I kept passing out, I wet my bed, and you never asked why!

[first lines]

Brian: [narration voice-over] The summer I was 8 years old, five hours disappeared from my life. Five hours. Lost. Gone without a trace.

Brian: [narration voice-over] Last thing I remember I was sitting on the bench at my Little League game. It started to rain. What happened after that remains a pitch black void.

Brian: [giggles]

Eric: What?

Brian: I'm drunk. I've never been drunk in my life.

Eric: I'm corrupting you. Finally.

Brian: [Brian turns to his mother, responding to her comment about the silliness of "World of Mystery"] If you're gonna make fun, I just as soon watch it by myself.

Mary Klein: We were... We were just making sure there was adequate closest space.

Brian: Good, good. I have great news. Well, this house is yours if you want it. But you're gonna have to make a decision right now.

John Klein: We'll take it.

Sammy: [picks up phone] Hello?

Brian: Yeah, it's Brian.

Sammy: Brian!

Brian: What the hell happened to you today, lady?

Sammy: [rolls eyes and hangs up]

Sammy: [phone rings again] Hello...

Brian: You're fired!

Sammy: Good!

[slams phone down]

Sammy: That just seems like an awful lot of extra paperwork.

Brian: I like paperwork.

Sammy: I could use a beer.

Brian: I could use a tranquilizer.

Brian: I think it's an area we ought to explore.

Sammy: You explore it! I'm going back to work.

Sammy: [after having sex] This is incredible.

Brian: [moans] Ughmmmm!

Sammy: That is not what I mean.

Ruby: I don't know if you like the same kind of movies I like.

Brian: Alright, what kind of movies you like?

Ruby: Indie ones... foreign ones.

Brian: Movies where brother's gotta read?

Ruby: [chuckles] Yes, those.

Brian: Eat shit, fig-face, you're not my father!

Wendy: Come on Bri, take me off your shit list, honey.

Brian: You're on all my shit lists! Today you made the hall of fame!

Brian: What did he lose, his dick?

Jake: He's an asshole trying to make us think he's okay, ok?

Brian: Maybe he is okay. Maybe YOU'RE the asshole.

Jake: Why do you get in so many fights?

Brian: Cuz I always win. It's like being the fastest gun.

Jake: Then lose once.

Brian: I knew the cake meant trouble.

Jake: You're one tough little guy, aren't you?

Brian: Tough enough.

Jake: Did you spit in this?

Brian: No, I forgot.

Brian: Let me tell you something, and don't you ever forget it: that success is nothing without someone you love to share it with!

Lily Bedford: What are you Brian?

Brian: I am I am

Lily Bedford: It's nice

Meg: It stinks, I'm the best fruit in the class

Lily Bedford: Yeh but your mother helped you, Ruth Marie told me and we were supposed to do it our selves

Meg: Well you had to make your's yourself, your mothers dead, her mother's dead

Lily Bedford: Shut up, I don't need a mom

Meg: Get off me, you big baby

Brian: Just remember, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour, and I know the sour.

Brian: You can do whatever you want with your life, but one day you'll know what love truly is. It's the sour and the sweet. And I know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet.

Brian: You will never know the exquisite pain of the guy, who goes home alone.

David: We almost died.

Brian: I know. My own death was right there in front of me and you know what happened? Your life flashed before my eyes.

David: How was it?

Brian: Almost worth dying for...

David: I wasn't hitting on Sophia.

Brian: Oh, fine. Whatever you say. I'm crazy. I'm blind.

David: You're not blind, you're drinking Jack Daniels, and when you drink Jack you start in with that, "Frank Sinatra, she shot me down, give me a cigarette, King of Sad" thing.

Brian: That I do. Give me a cigarette.

David: I'll find one.

Brian: But wait. You're rich and women love you, and I'm from Ohio and I'm drunk. Can I tell you the truth?

David: Everybody does.

Brian: I dig her. And I've never said this to you before about any girl, but she could be - could be, could be, could be - the girl of my fucking dreams.

David: You're not from Ohio.

Brian: I know. But if she fucks up our friendship, she can go to hell. I won't allow it. We are bros.

David: I feel the same way.

Brian: Sure you do.

Brian: [after they had a near fatal crash with a Mack truck] My own death was right there in front of me, and do you know what happened? YOUR life flashed before my eyes.

David: How was it?

Brian: Almost worth dying for.

Brian: I'm going to say this once, because this is the last time we're ever going to talk. I was your only friend

David: You have revealed yourself to me.

Brian: [to David] The 'New Guy' is shit! That came out wrong, I love you.

[Brian leaves the party drunk]

Brian: I good you bid evening.

Brian: Julie Gianni is your fuck buddy?

Brian: [to David] Man, you're in O.J.-land!

Brian: [about the green liquid under the church] A life form is growing out of pre-biotic fluids. It's not winding down into disorder, it's self-organizing. It's becoming something. What? An animal? A disease? What?

Walter: Why is everybody looking at me that way?

Brian: Because you're being asshole-ish.

Walter: Well, it's very asshole-ish of you to say so!

[Wyndham is being consumed by beetles]

Wyndham: I've got a message for you, and you're not going to like it.

Brian: Look at his chest!

[Wyndham's suit coat opens to reveal swarms of beetles]

Wyndham: Pray for death!

[Wyndham's head falls off, and his body starts coming apart]

Brian: [in horror] Jesus Christ!

Brian: What happened? You talk numbers, you get romantic. You talk people, you clam up.

Catherine: Just a little miscue, that's all.

[Brian attempts to tell Catherine he loves her after sleeping with her]

Brian: Can I tell you something?

Catherine: Please don't.

Brian: I want to.

Catherine: Tell me next time. If there is one. Or the time after that, or... two years from now.

Brian: Who was he? The one that gave you such a high opinion of men?

Catherine: I wouldn't like it if either of us jumped to conclusions.

Brian: How do you know what I was going to say what you think I was going to say?

Catherine: Because if you don't, I don't want to know.

Brian: Faith is a hard thing to come by these days.

Brian: [repeated dialogue] Have you seen Susan?

Professor Edward Birack: Who?

Brian: Radiologist. Glasses.

Brian: Are you coming?

Chris: Are you fucking kidding me?

Brian: I wasn't talkinng too you

[looks to Scott for help]

Brian: Breakfast, come with me!

[Brian beats Zombie Wade to death with a skillet.]

Brian: Well, I hope we did the right thing.

Brian: [after coming upon the abandon traffic jam] It looks completely abandon out here.

Gary: I wanna go take a walk

Brian: Are you out of your fucking mind?

Gary: We haven't seen anyone for hours!

Brian: I have a bad feeling about this.

Gary: Fuck this, I'm taking a walk!

[walks off]

Brian: [watches Gary walk off, cock gun] Jesus Christ.

Brian: Did I just hear you call me "Bryan With a Y"? I legally changed my name to 'Brian'. No 'Y'.

Trey: Oh. Well, why wouldn't you just completely change it to something more appropriate? Like 'Dick'?

Brian: We don't agree on anything. It's like she has this picture in her head of what... of what she thinks I'm supposed to be, of what she thinks is socially acceptable, you know, of what she thinks is important.