Brennan Huff Quotes in Step Brothers (2008)

Dale Doback: Why are you so sweaty?

Brennan Huff: I was watching Cops.

Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!

Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!

Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!

Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.

Brennan Huff: You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!

Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!

[about Robert]

Brennan Huff: I'm not gonna call him Dad.

Nancy Huff: Brennan, you're 39 years old. I wouldn't expect you to call him Dad.

Brennan Huff: Well I'm not going to, *ever*! Even if there's a fire!

Brennan Huff: I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.

[Dale and Brennan are in beds next to each other]

Dale Doback: [whispering] Hey, you awake?

Brennan Huff: [also whispering] Yeah.

Dale Doback: I just want you to know I hate you. And so does my dad.

Brennan Huff: Well that's fine. Cause guess what? I hate you too. And this house sucks ass.

Dale Doback: Well the only reason you're living here, is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot, and maybe we should just both bang her, and we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.

Brennan Huff: Who's the retard?

Dale Doback: You.

Brennan Huff: [raising his voice] Hey ya'll don't say that!

Dale Doback: Shut up! You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.

Brennan Huff: Just shut up!

Dale Doback: You and your mom are hilbillies. This is a house of learned doctors.

Brennan Huff: You're not a doctor... you're a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!

Dale Doback: [Dale turns his face to Brennan] Oh yeah?

Brennan Huff: [Brennan turns his face to Dale] Yeah.

Dale Doback: I'm a curly-headed fuck?

Brennan Huff: Yeah. You better not go to sleep, cause as soon as your eyes shut I'm gonna punch you square in the face.

Dale Doback: I hope you stay still when you sleep, cause I'm gonna put a rat trap between your legs.

Brennan Huff: I'm going to take a pillowcase, and fill it full of bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you.

[Dale turns away from Brennan]

Dale Doback: I want you out of my fucking house!

Brennan Huff: No way Kimosabe. This is my house now.

Dr. Robert Doback: You jagaloons! You're failures! FAILURES!

Brennan Huff: Hey, you're embarrassing yourself, you geriatric fuck!

Nancy Huff: Brennan.

Brennan Huff: Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000.

Nancy Huff: Oh, stop it! Stop it right...

Brennan Huff: Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass...

Nancy Huff: Brennan!

Brennan Huff: ...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!

Brennan Huff: Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?

Derek: What?

Brennan Huff: If you lick my butt hole.

Derek: What do we do now?

Brennan Huff: We could hug.

Derek: Yeah, you'd like that, faggot!... Sorry.

Brennan Huff: Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.

Dale Doback: I would follow you into the mists of Avalon if that's what you mean.

Brennan Huff: Robert better not get in my face... 'cause I'll drop that motherfucker!

Nancy Huff: Jesus, Brennan!

Dale Doback: On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it. Just name it. Ready? One, two, three.

Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Velociraptor.

Brennan Huff: Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to.

Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: Good Housekeeping.

Brennan Huff: If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?

Dale Doback, Brennan Huff: John Stamos.

Dale Doback: [stomps foot] What?

Brennan Huff: Did we just become best friends?

Dale Doback: Yep!

[they high five each other]

Brennan Huff: Do you wanna do karate in the garage?

Dale Doback: Yep!

Brennan Huff: I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.

Nancy Huff: You dont know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.

Brennan Huff: It was Johnny Hopkins, and Sloan Kettering, and they were blazin' that shit up everyday.

Nancy Huff: You yelled "rape" at the top of your lungs.

Brennan Huff: Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, "Lets get it on."

Dale Doback: That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper!

Brennan Huff: Look, I didn't touch your drum set, okay?

Dale Doback: I witnessed with my eyes your testicles touching my drum set.

Sporting Goods Manager: [after Dale finishes his very prolonged fart] Was that a fart?

Dale Doback: I don't know.

Sporting Goods Manager: I can taste it. On my tongue.

Dale Doback: Okay, I'll be honest with you. I did fart.

Sporting Goods Manager: Is that onion? Onion and... Onion and ketchup.

Sporting Goods Manager: It stinks. And this is a small room.

Brennan Huff: Shit.

Sporting Goods Manager: Okay. Now the tuxedos seem kind of fucked up.

Dale Doback: Hey man. Did you touch my drumset?

Brennan Huff: [Brennan nods his head]

Brennan Huff: Nope.

Dale Doback: It's just weird, 'cause, it seems like someone definitely touched my drumset.

Brennan Huff: Yeah, that is weird, 'cause I didn't touch 'em.

Dale Doback: [Dale throws Brennan's feet off the couch]

Brennan Huff: Hey!

Dale Doback: [angrily] Did you touch my drumset?

Brennan Huff: Hey, knock it off!

Dale Doback: I know you touched my drumstick, 'cause the left one has a chip in it.

Brennan Huff: Are you fucking crazy, man? You sound insane. Do you realize that? You should be medicated.

Dale Doback: Fuck you Brennan! I know you touched my drumset, and I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it.

Brennan Huff: Get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass!

Dale Doback: You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it then!

Brennan Huff: I don't have to swear to shit!

Dale Doback: That's 'cause you fucking touched my drumset! 'Cause I know COPS doesn't start 'till 4:00!

Brennan Huff: [Brennan begins to leave the room]

Dale Doback: Where you going?

Brennan Huff: I'm going upstairs... 'cause I'm gonna put my nutsack, on your drumset! Okay?

[Brennan continues to walk upstairs towards his drumset]

Dale Doback: If you do that - I'm warning you, right now! If you touch my drums, I will stab you, in the neck, with a knife!

Brennan Huff: I remember my first beer.

Dale Doback: That's so funny the first time I heard that, I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.

Dale Doback: Brennan you're alive! Oh my God!

Brennan Huff: I know. I'm alive.

Dale Doback: You were dead. I saw you die.

Brennan Huff: I was faking. I used ninja focus to slow my heart rate down.

Denise: So, I thought we'd begin talking about your parents' divorce.

Brennan Huff: Okay.

Denise: How old were you when they got divorced?

Brennan Huff: Fifteen.

Denise: That's a hard age.

Brennan Huff: Yes. Yeah.

Denise: Do you want to talk about some of those feelings?

Brennan Huff: I love you.

Denise: Obviously... you don't know me.

Brennan Huff: I love you so much.

Denise: Thank you, and I will take that as a feeling that you have of... comfortability with me.

Brennan Huff: It's more than comfortability. I mean, I fuckin' love you.

Denise: Okay, I... think...

Brennan Huff: I'm just thinking about our life together. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now.

Denise: That is so... off-putting.

Brennan Huff: You're not feeling this?

Denise: In no way, shape, or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever.

Brennan Huff: You know what? I still hate you, but you got a pretty awesome collection of nudie mags.

Dale Doback: Yeah, I got 'em from the 70's, 80's and 90's. It's like masturbating in a time machine.

Dr. Robert Doback: We're putting the house on the market.

Dale Doback: Where are we moving?

Brennan Huff: Is the house haunted?

Dr. Robert Doback: Nancy and I are retiring and sailing around the world on my boat. We are living the dream.

Dale Doback: Well what about us?

Nancy Huff: I- I'm sorry. Robert... we thought that you should take responsibility for your own lives.

Dr. Robert Doback: And this is the exciting part. We're gonna put enough money in your accounts for a security deposit on an apartment.

Dale Doback: What's this all about?

Nancy Huff: Um, more than just money. We're gonna get you another kind of support as well.

Dr. Robert Doback: You're both gonna see therapists. Nancy thinks it'll help. And guys, that's non-negotiable.

Brennan Huff: Hold on. We're not going on the boat, Derek's selling the house, we have to go to therapy?

[Robert nods]

Brennan Huff: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

Nancy Huff: [Brennan and Dale are sleeping, Nancy walks in to wake them up] Guys. Guys. Guys!

Brennan Huff: [Both guys wake up and quote last line from their dreams] I'll kill you, Leonard Nimoy.

Dale Doback: The clown has no penis.

Nancy Huff: What kind of dreams are you guys having? Hey, it's 12:30. Brennan, your brother's coming today, so you might want to get up.

Brennan Huff: Today?

Nancy Huff: Yep.

Brennan Huff: Shit.

Dale Doback: What's your problem?

Brennan Huff: My little brother is even a bigger asshole than you are.

Brennan Huff: Holy Santa Claus Shit!

Brennan Huff: We put liquid paper on a bee, and it died.

Derek: I have to sell or lease at last 80 helicopters to make my nut. And you... You mess with my nut, Brennan, Randy here is gonna eat your dick.

Randy: Like Kobayashi.

Randy: [makes eating noise]

Derek: I've seen him do it.

Brennan Huff: You've actually seen him eating a man's penis?

Derek: It was in international waters, so they couldn't prosecute him. But I saw it.

Dale Doback: Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial arts weapon?

Brennan Huff: 'Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword. And you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, right?

Dale Doback: I would've done the exact same thing.

Brennan Huff: [in his therapist's fantasy] I've traveled five hundred miles to give my seed.

Brennan Huff: This wedding is horse shit!

Brennan Huff: Your drumset's a whore! I tea bagged your drumset!

Dale Doback: My drumset's a guy so it makes you gay, you fucker!

Brennan Huff: [while burying Dale alive] Now I'm gonna play your drumset! Close your eyes. Let the dirt just shower over you...

[after burying Dale]

Brennan Huff: This is your fault. Oh, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna sleep good tonight...

[Brennan walks away]

Dale Doback: [climbs out of the dirt and lunges at Brennan]

[growling]

Dale Doback: DON'T YOU TOUCH MY DRUMS!

Brennan Huff: [screams] Zombie! ZOMBIE! Get off me, zombie!

Brennan Huff: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki!

Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: Chewbacca masks!

[Growling, cheering and high-fiving. One mask is made with artificial fur, and the other is only molded rubber]

Dale Doback: Chewbacca!

Brennan Huff: It's okay that mine's not movie quality.

Brennan Huff: [mowing lawn, dressed as Nazi] Hey Derek, sprechen sie dick?

Brennan Huff: I have a green belt... read it and weep.

Dale Doback: I don't believe in belts.

Dale Doback: Hey. Are you awake?

Brennan Huff: Yeah.

Dale Doback: I can't believe we actually have to move out of this house.

Brennan Huff: I know. I feel bad.

Dale Doback: Hey, you know, we don't have to whisper anymore. Mom and Dad aren't here.

Brennan Huff: Yeah, but can we keep doing it, though? It helps me pretend that they are.

Dale Doback: You must feel just terrible. I mean, I know I feel bad.

Brennan Huff: Yeah.

Dale Doback: But I can't imagine how you feel after my dad looked right at you and said it's all your fault that they broke up.

Brennan Huff: That's funny, because my mom said: "If that curly-headed fuck Dale wasn't here everything would be perfect."

Dale Doback: You take that back.

Brennan Huff: No way. It's your fault.

Dale Doback: You know what your problem is? You live in a fantasy land. You refuse to get a joband you don't know what it's like to work for something.

Brennan Huff: You don't take responsibility for your actions. This is all your fault!

Dale Doback: Well, you're a mama's boy who's too chicken to sing in public!

Dale Doback: [Brennan leaves the bedroom angrily] Yeah, that's right. Run away, little boy, because you know it's true. Just avoid everything. What are you doing?

[Brennen is heard in the next room banging on the drums and chanting]

Brennan Huff: Dale broke up Mom and Dad

Dale Doback: Motherfucker!

[Dale rushes into his office]

Brennan Huff: Dale broke up Mom and Dad Dale broke up Mom and Dad

[Dale picks up a cymbal and hits Brennan over the head with it. Brennan falls]

Dale Doback: Brennan! Get up, Brennan, I know you're faking. Get up! Get up! Brennan?

Derek: [Derek suddenly climbs up Brennan's treehouse with a beer] What's up, faggots?

[to Brennan]

Derek: What's up man? What? You're not gonna come down and say hi to me? What's with that, dipshit? Huh?

Brennan Huff: [faintly] Hi, Derek.

Derek: Whoa, calm down, man. I'm just joking. You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here...

Dale Doback: What is your problem, man?

Derek: My problem? I don't know! I don't have a problem, Dale. Actually, I have the opposite of a problem: I made over 550 K last year!

[smirks]

Derek: How much did you make?

Dale Doback: [shrugs] It's not about money...

Derek: No, it's not about money. Well, for me, it's a little bit about money...

[pause]

Derek: And I made that much money last year. I am the VP of the biggest executive-helicopter-leasing company on the Western Seaboard. Okay? I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out!

[Derek lifts up his shirt and shows Dale and Brennan his chest abs]

Derek: See these? See these boys? This is what I live with! Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower. You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen!

Brennan Huff: Shut your mouth. Sh-sh-shut your mouth.

Brennan Huff: I tea-bagged your drum set!

Nancy Huff: [speaking at her wedding] Well, as you all know, my youngest son, Derek, couldn't be here because of an important fishing trip. But my other son, Brennan, was going to be moving into his own place, but he was recently let go from his job at PetSmart, so he is gonna be living with us.

Brennan Huff: [raises up out of his chair] I wasn't *fired* from my job, I was laid off, but you wouldn't know the difference!

[he raises his plate]

Brennan Huff: I DIDN'T WANT SALMON! I SAID IT FOUR TIMES!

[Brennan throws his plate and walks out of the room]

Brennan Huff: This wedding is *HORSESHIT!*

Brennan Huff: [Putting nutsack on Dale's drumset] John Bonham playing Moby Dick for real.

Dale Doback: Hey Brenden

Brennan Huff: Good to see ya Dale.

Dale Doback: Thanks for hiring our catering company.

Brennan Huff: Easy decision. You guys have an outstanding track record.

Dale Doback: [looks around and sighs] This is like old times huh?

Brennan Huff: Ah, it really is!

Brennan Huff: You still have your night vision goggles?

Dale Doback: No, no. No, I had to sell those to pay for car insurance... How about you? You still kickin' boards or breakin' holes in pumpkins or anything?

Brennan Huff: No... but I did start taking baby aspirin. To reduce my risk for heart attack.

Dale Doback: That makes sense. You gotta keep an eye on it.

Brennan Huff: You really do.

Dale Doback: Gotta knock off the sweets!

[laughs]

Brennan Huff: Thank you!

[laughs as well]

Brennan Huff: That's a tr- that's a truly funny observation!

Dale Doback: [finishes laughing] Yeah.

Derek: [sarcastically] Not bad!

Brennan Huff: [as Derek leaves] Eat shit, Derek!

Dale Doback: [Brennan is burying Dale in the garden] But I'm still alive!

Brennan Huff: You're waking the neighbors! Shut up!

Brennan Huff: I love you.

Denise: Obviously you don't know me.

Brennan Huff: I love you so much.

Denise: Thank you. And I will take that as a feeling that you have of comfortibility with me.

Brennan Huff: It's more that comfortability. I fuckin' love you.

Denise: Okay, I think that...

Brennan Huff: I'm just thinking about our new life together. It feels like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now.

Denise: That is so off-putting.

Brennan Huff: You're not feeling this?

Denise: In no way, shape, or form do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever.

Dale Doback: Hey, can I ask you something?

Brennan Huff: Yeah.

Dale Doback: You know back when you first moved in?

Brennan Huff: Yeah.

Dale Doback: Did you touch my drumset?

Brennan Huff: No, I didn't.

Dale Doback: No, really, I won't get mad I just want to know.

Brennan Huff: No I know. You said you wouldn't get mad. I'm just telling you I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I never did it.

Dale Doback: Well then I owe you an apology.

Brennan Huff: No, you don't, at all. No.

Dale Doback: Why would you take an apology if you didn't do it?

Brennan Huff: Because I'm cool. It doesn't matter

Brennan Huff: [screaming into Dale's drumset] Fuck you, Dale! Fuck you!

Brennan Huff: I'm so scared right now. I'm just gonna to do what's sensible, I'm gonna file for unemployment. Then I'm gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, because they got an excellent corporate structure and they... *they* give *you* the tools to be your own boss.

Brennan Huff: I remember my first beer.

Dr. Robert Doback: [about his dream to be a dinosaur] So I thought, I'll be a doctor for a little while... and then go back to that.

Brennan Huff: How is that even a skill?

Dale Doback: Is my dad upset about the stuff that happened?

Nancy Huff: Robert was very upset, yes. He knows that you interviewed as a team. And he heard about the fart.

Brennan Huff: Oh, he did?

Nancy Huff: Yeah. You just couldn't hold it, or you...?

Dale Doback: No. I thought it was gonna be silent.

Brennan Huff: It was not silent.

Dale Doback: It just kept going, and it made a sound. It was embarrassing.

Brennan Huff: It got louder. It got louder.

[first lines]

Nancy Huff: Hey, Brennan.

Brennan Huff: Mom, I'm watching the thing...

Nancy Huff: Yeah. I'm leaving.

Brennan Huff: ...with the lady.

Nancy Huff: Okay, I'll be home around 11.

Brennan Huff: Bye, Mom.

Nancy Huff: Bye, Brennan.

Aerobic Instructress on TV: Let's slowly get those hips up.

[Brennan shoves his hand down his pants]

Aerobic Instructress on TV: Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.

Nancy Huff: Brennan, Denise called and she said she can't spend New Year's Eve with you because she's not your girlfriend, she's your therapist.

Brennan Huff: Is that what she said? She's a rascal.

Brennan Huff: [to Dale] You know what I just realized? You've been the one dragging me down. Now I'm gonna go out and find a job and an apartment; and then I'm gonna get Mom and Dr. Doback back together. I'm gonna be the hero, and you can suck on it!

Dale Doback: My life was perfect before you came here. Me and my dad had the perfect setup, and you wrecked it!

[Dale gets up on his feet and starts walking away]

Brennan Huff: Hey...

[Dale turns around]

Brennan Huff: We're no longer brothers!

Dale Doback: We never were. We were stepbrothers.

[Dale walks away]

Pam Gringe: Well, Brennan, you certainly have had a lot of jobs.

Brennan Huff: I'm a bit of a spark plug and, uh, Human Resources Lady, when I think...

Pam Gringe: Oh, you know, it's actually, it's Pam.

Brennan Huff: I'm sorry. Well, Pan...

Pam Gringe: No, my name is Pam.

Brennan Huff: Are you saying "Pan" or "Pam"?

Pam Gringe: I'm saying Pam. I'm sorry, who is this gentleman sitting behind you?

Dale Doback: Hello, Miss Lady. I'm Dale. I'm Brennan's stepbrother, and I think I might be able to help with the Pan-Pam dilemma.

Brennan Huff: Yeah, that'd be great.

Pam Gringe: [slowly] Pam. Pam, with an M.

Brennan Huff: Pand. There's a D on the end?

Pam Gringe: There's no D. It's Pam.

Dale Doback: It's like "calm" except P-A-N-M.

Brennan Huff: P-A-M... There's two Ms. That was the confusion.

Dale Doback: [both waking up from dreams on top of each other] Oh no, I'm late for school.

Brennan Huff: I'll kiss you on the mouth, Kenny Rogers.

Brennan Huff: I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?

Brennan Huff: Holy Thing from the Fantastic Four's shit!

[last lines]

Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: [simultaneously getting out of bed to go sleepwalking; mumbling indistinctly]

Dale Doback: You got my passport?

Brennan Huff: What?

Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: [both mumbling indistinctly]

Dale Doback: I'm good.

Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: [both mumbling indistinctly]

Dale Doback: All right.

Brennan Huff, Dale Doback: [both mumbling indistinctly]

Dale Doback: Don't worry, I'm not gonna be late. Don't worry.