Brad Stand Quotes in I Heart Huckabees (2004)

Brad Stand: How am I not myself?

[repeated]

Dawn Campbell: Brad, do you love me?

Brad Stand: I think so.

Dawn Campbell: With the bonnet?

Brad Stand: Ehhh...

Brad Stand: Shania cares!

Brad Stand: Huckabees cornucopia of stuff we all want, but what happened to the gazelles? Were they squashed under the CD department?

Brad Stand: You want to talk to me about my fat, sad brother?

[Albert's in the zipper bag for the first time]

Brad Stand: Hey, man. How's it going? You're an asshole.

Darlene: We will fucking destroy you, deary!

Mr. Nimieri: [holding up a still] Got Shaquille O'Neal. I like Shaq.

[Brad and Dawn ride up on jet skis and wave]

Dawn Campbell: There's glass between us. You can't deal with my infinite nature can you?

Brad Stand: That is so not true. Wait, what does that even mean?

Brad Stand: Why is marriage and kids so important? I mean, there's an overpopulation problem.

Vivian Jaffe: Whoa. Whoa.

[Dawn scoffs, insulted]

Bernard Jaffe: Well, that came out of left field.

Albert Markovski: Brad, I've thought about chopping your head off with a machete many times.

Brad Stand: I've though about hacking you up with an axe Albert, and smashing your face in with a baseball bat.

Brad Stand: Shania hates mayo all right, and she can't eat chicken salad, thats no joke. We gave it to her once, she threw up in the limo - the lady hates chicken salad. So I bring out a bunch of tuna fish sandwiches - she still doesn't believe me - I say, Shania, I'm allergic to mayo - which, by the way, is a lie. Shania still doesn't believe me so I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her to prove it. So she eats one and a half sandwiches, one and a half sandwiches... before she realizes, its chicken salad.

Vivian Jaffe: Passive aggressive.

Brad Stand: Shut up!

Bernard Jaffe: Aggressive aggressive.

Brad Stand: How am I not myself?

Albert Markovski: That's bullshit because he doesn't care about things like this, where's the African guy, bring me the African guy, where's the African guy?

Brad Stand: Dude, what're you talking about?

Albert Markovski: Why does he get to write poetry? There's no Gazelles in North America Brad, just so you know, and the building squashing nature is my imagery, not yours, you don't write poetry

Brad Stand: Hey, welcome. You like my new office?

Bernard Jaffe: Let's start with the method.

Brad Stand: Let's start with the method.

Vivian Jaffe: We'd like to discuss...

Brad Stand: We'd like to discuss...

Bernard Jaffe: Okay, what are you doing?

Brad Stand: Okay, what are you doing?

Bernard Jaffe: What are you doing?

Brad Stand: [chuckling] I'm jokin' around, guys. But seriously, I want to quit the process with you. Nothing personal. I appreciate what you've done for me, but I'm over it.

Vivian Jaffe: You can't quit until the case is over.

Brad Stand: Ah, I can fire you.

Bernard Jaffe: No, you can't.

Brad Stand: Sure I can.

Bernard Jaffe: No, you can't. Paragraph 201. "Neither client nor detective may terminate case prior to resolution as defined by paragraph 314, subclause 'd'." Which states...

Brad Stand: That's not binding.

Bernard Jaffe: Oh, it's binding.

Brad Stand: I'll find a lawyer. Or maybe even go to the FBI. How 'bout that?

Bernard Jaffe: Go ahead.

Brad Stand: Oh, I will. I'm not kidding.

Vivian Jaffe: Brad, this is how it works. You go to the police. You tell them you went to the existential detectives. They ask why. You say, "For personal reasons." Or, maybe you wanted to work the politics at your corporation by rattling Albert Markovski.

Brad Stand: I never told you that.

Bernard Jaffe: Well, give us a little credit.

Vivian Jaffe: The police go to Huckabees. They talk to them. The board learns that rising star, Brad Stand, has weird existential issues. Or he fakes them.

Bernard Jaffe: Which is odd.

Vivian Jaffe: Which is worse.

Vivian Jaffe: And your girlfriend, the voice of Huckabees, is dressing like an Amish bag lady.

Brad Stand: Okay, I get it.

Bernard Jaffe: You know, Brad, suddenly, your star isn't rising anymore. It's sinking.

Brad Stand: Okay. I said I get it, Bernie. Relax.

Bernard Jaffe: Passive-aggressive.

Brad Stand: Shut up.

Bernard Jaffe: Aggressive-aggressive.

[pause]

Bernard Jaffe: Shall we get back to the case?

Brad Stand: All right. What you got on me? Nothin'.

Bernard Jaffe: Our staff did a little field work in, uh, Cleveland.

Bernard Jaffe: What? Talk to my family?

Vivian Jaffe: [holding up a picture] Mommy and Daddy look awesome. So do you.

Brad Stand: You bastards.

Bernard Jaffe: But this guy...

[Points to Brad's brother]

Bernard Jaffe: He doesn't look too good, does he, Brad?

Brad Stand: How could you do this?

[starts to sob, then suddenly breaks into laughter]

Brad Stand: Are you kidding me? He weighs 250. He talks about geckos all the time.

Vivian Jaffe: I thought he was a sweet, sensitive young man.

Brad Stand: Oh, excuse me. You spoke to my sad, fat brother?

Vivian Jaffe: Indeed, I did, at length.

Bernard Jaffe: Well, if he's so sensitive, why doesn't he lose 70 pounds and stop talking about geckos. Maybe he'll find some friends.

Vivian Jaffe: Well, your brother feels that you're ashamed of him.

Bernard Jaffe: Are you sympathetic to him?

Brad Stand: Are you kidding me? I gave him a car. I send him shirts. I... look.

[opens desk drawer]

Brad Stand: Here, guys. Geckos. And I keep 'em. I'm a pretty good older brother.

Vivian Jaffe: He wishes you would listen to him more.

Bernard Jaffe: About what, geckos? Look, I don't have all the answers, but maybe he should listen to me more and learn a little.

Vivian Jaffe: You have several stories that you like to tell over and over and over.

Bernard Jaffe: Like the mayonnaise story. The mayo story.

[Pulls out a tape recorder]

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: May 18, sales meeting.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: Shania's there, promoting her apparel, right? It's 4:00. She's starving. She hates mayonnaise, right? Allergic to it. So I order a ton of tuna fish sandwiches. Back then that's all she's eating. Tuna fish. No mayo, darling.

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: June 5, driving range.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: No joke. We gave her a chicken salad sandwich once... she threw up in the back of the limo.

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: June 30, the lake.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? It's 4:00, and she's starving. She's a busy lady. I order a ton of tuna fish sandwiches. That's all she's eating back then, tuna fish.

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: July 9, Flight 27 to Chicago.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? It's 4:00. She's starving. The lady hates chicken salad. Gave it to her once, she threw up.

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: August 17, conference call.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? No mayo. She hates it. And she cannot eat chicken salad. That's no joke.

Vivian's Voice on Tape Recorder: September 3, in traffic, your cell phone.

Brad's Voice on Tape Recorder: Shania's there promoting her apparel, right? Back then that's all she's eating, tuna fish. No mayo. I eat two of the sandwiches in front of her. She eats one and a half. No way she believes me. She eats one and a half sandwiches before she realizes it's chicken salad.

Vivian Jaffe: Why do you think that you tell the mayo story so much?

Brad Stand: I don't know. Why?

Bernard Jaffe: It's propaganda.

Brad Stand: [scoffing] For mayonnaise?

Bernard Jaffe: For you.

Vivian Jaffe: Specifically, you're so impressive because you know Shania. And you're so strong because you pulled one on her.

Bernard Jaffe: You're a funny guy, a good guy.

Vivian Jaffe: Keeping everyone laughing, so that maybe, quote, you don't get depressed.

Brad Stand: [shouting] Well, what's so great about depression?

Bernard Jaffe: Nothing. Unless it holds the key to something you compulsively avoid, so it will never be examined or felt. Hence your behavior becomes repetitive like the story.

Vivian Jaffe: Like the story.

Bernard Jaffe: Like the story.

Bernard Jaffe: Shut up. Alright, I don't have to tell stories.

Vivian Jaffe: What do you think would happen if you didn't tell the stories? Are you being yourself?

Brad Stand: How am I not myself?

Bernard Jaffe: How am I not myself?

Vivian Jaffe: How am I not myself?

Bernard Jaffe: How... am I not... myself?

Dawn Campbell: Oh please, I don't think of myself as being that pretty.

[Brad whispers in her ear]

Dawn Campbell: Yes, that changed at Huckabees. You know, I was never their pretty girl.

Bernard Jaffe: Really?

Dawn Campbell: No! I just have to keep up with this gorgeous hottie.

Vivian Jaffe: How's the sex?

Bernard Jaffe: How is the sex?

Dawn Campbell: The sex?

Brad Stand: Come on, guys.

[laughs]

Brad Stand: Come on. That's private.

Dawn Campbell: That's gross.

Vivian Jaffe: Our undercover surveillance shows it's been infrequent and short. Eight to nine minutes. Typically.

Dawn Campbell: Surveillance? You've watched us?

Vivian Jaffe: No, just listened.

Brad Stand: So your surveillance is wrong!

[laughs uncomfortably]

Dawn Campbell: Yeah. It's quantity not quality.

Brad Stand: She meant quality not quantity.

Dawn Campbell: I know, I was only joking.

Bernard Jaffe: Were you joking when you said quantity and not quality?

Dawn Campbell: We're private about our seven minutes of heaven!

Brad Stand: It's longer than that, darling.

Dawn Campbell: Eight minutes of heaven! It's not quality, it's quantity!

[laughs hysterically]

Brad Stand: You should see her after a couple of margaritas.