Boris Quotes in The Darkest Hour (2011)

Boris: Welcome to Russia, sucker.

Boris: I kill dead people!

Boris: Ah, but remember, my friends. Even Tramp has his Achilles heel.

Pedro: Pardon me, amigo. What is this chili deal?

Boris: Achilles heel, Pedro. This is meaning his, uh, weaknesses.

Toughy: Oh! Oh, the dames. Yeah.

Bulldog in Pound: He has an eye for a well-turned paw, he has. Let's see, there's been Lulu...

Toughy: Yeah, and Trixie...

Dachsie: Und Fifi...

Pedro: And my sister, Rosita Chiquita Juanita Chihuahua. I think.

Toughy: [about the Tramp's girlfriends] Yeah. But he never takes 'em serious.

Boris: Ah, but someday he is meeting someone different. Some delicate, fragile creature who's giving him a wish to shelter and protect.

Bulldog in Pound: Like Miss Park Avenue 'ere, eh, Matey?

Boris: Mmm, could be. But when he does...

Peg: Yeah, I'm way ahead of ya. Under the spell of true love...

Bulldog in Pound: The poor chump grows careless...

Boris: The Cossacks are picking him up...

Toughy: And it's curtains for the Tramp.

Boris: Let me tell you something Balto. A dog can not make this journey alone, but maybe a wolf can.

Boris: Not a dog. Not a wolf. All he knows is what he's not. If only he could see what he is.

Boris: Let me tell you something, Balto. A dog cannot make this journey alone

[starts to walk off, but stops suddenly]

Boris: but... maybe a wolf can.

Boris: Oh, Balto. I was so scared, I got people bumps.

Boris: Poor Balto. He's going into freezing coldness to find the dog he doesn't like and bring medicine back to a town that doesn't like him.

Boris: Not dog, not wolf, you are hero!

[kisses Balto on the head]

Steele: Didn't make the team, Bingo?

Boris: Don't look at him. Don't listen to him. Live a long life.

Balto: My name's Balto.

Boris: But you can call him "Idiot."

Boris: More whimpering? Between you and Balto is like Dostoyevsky novel around here. Lighten up.

Boris: No brain at all, might as well be talking to... humans.

Balto: I'm beginning to see there isn't anything you can't do

Boris: I'm seeing a few things too, and it's making the ice melt... I HATE BEARS!

Boris: [watching Balto scratch a tree] Good work, Balto. You took on the biggest, meanest tree in whole forest, and you won.

Balto: I'm marking the trail.

Luk: [to Muk] He's marking our trail. That's very clever.

Boris: And here I was leaving bread crumbs.

Boris: They wouldn't put you on a sled team even if you did win.

Balto: Wish me luck.

Boris: I don't wish you luck. I wish you sense.

[quietly]

Boris: Good luck, kiddo.

Boris: When you are big, frozen, stiff statue named Balto, don't come running to me.

Boris: This wolf business again. What is wrong with being half and half, I like to know? Sometimes I wish like crazy I was half eagle.

Balto: Why?

Boris: Better profile for one thing, and no one eats you for another.

Boris: Where's he going? He's going out into freezing cold to find a dog he doesn't like to bring medicine back to a town that doesn't like him. Oh no. I'm beginning to understand the bear.

Boris: Who should you bring on a wild goose chase but a goose?

Boris: Balto, I do not like leaving you out here alone. Who's going to tell you how cold you are?

[after Balto rescues Rosy's hat from being trampled by Steele]

Boris: When will you learn to stay on the sidelines?

Boris: I am a delicate country bird. I hate going into town.

Boris: [about Muk and Luk after they jump into water to save Balto] They cannot swim.

Jenna: What? Polar bears who can't *swim*?

Boris: Is love, so go make move. When the angels' balalaikas strum the sweet song of love... mambo.

Boris: So, let's go get medicine.

Balto: Wait a minute. Now you're coming?

Boris: Spending days in bitter cold, facing wild animals, risking death from exposure...

[giggles]

Boris: is like holiday in old country.

Balto: Boris, did you ever think you're the reason the other geese fly south?

Boris: If only your feet were as fast as your mouth.

Luk: Help. Help. We can't swim. Help, help. We're drowning, we're drowning. Save us.

Boris: Bears? Fellas? IDIOT BALLS OF FLUFF?

Balto: Easy, Boris. You know how they are.

[to Muk and Luk, who are thrashing and yelling in the water]

Balto: Muk. Luk. Relax. Come on you're OK you're not drowning.

[to Muk and Luk whose yells and thrashes have subsided]

Boris: [with Russian accent] He has point bears. You are not drowning because; if you had thought for a moment you will observe, perhaps: TIDE IS OUT.

[stomps away, annoyed]

Boris: Do you mind putting me down now, Mr. Golden Retriever?

Steele: Hey goose, you a half-breed too, huh? Part turkey?

Nikki: Good wordplay there, boss!

Kaltag: You are the wittiest, you are the drollest, the cleverest, the sharpest, you are the most hilariousest!

Star: You crack me up! Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha!

[gets bonked on the head by Kaltag]

Star: Ha, ha ha ha ha! Whoopee!

[falls down dizzily]

Balto: Steele, just leave him out of this.

Nikki: [in the background] Woah-hoah-hoah! Oh yeah.

Steele: Oh, Balto.

[slaps Balto twice with his tail as he turns]

Steele: I've got a message for your mother.

[walks over to Nikki, Kaltag, and Star]

Steele: RAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Nikki, Kaltag, and Star laugh, then howl with Steele]

Steele: ARRROOOOOOOO!

Steele, Nikki, Kaltag, Star: ARRROOOOOOOO!

Balto: RRRRRRRRRRR.

Kaltag: Hey, Balto! Translate this for me, will ya? Yeah, yeah!

[howls]

Star: Hey, what's wolf for 'Go chase your tail'?

Balto: RRRRRRR.

[Steele, Nikki, Kaltag, and Star see Balto approaching them, growling; they stop howling]

Steele: Get him.

[Nikki, Kaltag, and Star start barking]

Steele: Get out of here, wolfdog. You better get back to your own pack!

[spits on Balto]

Boris: Maybe we go now, huh? Now!

[Steele and the others turn around and kick snow at Balto as Boris pushes him away]

Steele: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Kaltag: I think that Balto's friend has got his feathers ruffled.

Star: [says something barely understandable] Goose! I get it! Ah ha ha ha!

Steele: [kicks a stone at Balto, knocking him into a pile of junk]

Nikki: Half wolf in the side pocket there!

[laughs]

Kaltag: He's the most dead center...

Nikki: Yeah!

Kaltag: The most on-target, the most down the middle...

[gets interrupted by Star]

Star: He hit him!

Boris: Balto, get your slobbering mouth off me!

Boris: Why do I let you talk me into these things?

Balto: Come on, we don't want to miss the finish.

Boris: Oh, that would be a tragedy.

[Balto runs off, throwing Boris into the snow]

Boris: I was being sarcastic.

Boris: Time for a goose to kick a little bear butt!

Balto: I smell

[sniffs the air]

Balto: herring.

Boris: The herring are flying south too?

Balto: Hey, it must be Muk and Luk!

Boris: Good news.

Luk: [continually] Uncle Boris!

Boris: Oh no.

Balto: How sweet. Uncle Boris.

Steele: Hey goose, you a half-breed too, huh? Part turkey?

Nikki: Good wordplay there, boss!

Kaltag: You are the wittiest, you are the drollest, the cleverest, the sharpest, you are the most hilariousest!

Star: You crack me up! Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha!

[gets bonked on the head by Kaltag]

Star: Ha, ha ha ha ha! Whoopee!

[falls down dizzily]

Balto: Steele, just leave him out of this.

Nikki: [in the background] Woah-hoah-hoah! Oh yeah.

Steele: Oh, Balto.

[slaps Balto twice with his tail as he turns]

Steele: I've got a message for your mother.

[walks over to Nikki, Kaltag, and Star]

Steele: RAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Nikki, Kaltag, and Star laugh, then howl with Steele]

Steele: ARRROOOOOOOO!

Steele, Nikki, Kaltag, Star: ARRROOOOOOOO!

Balto: RRRRRRRRRRR.

Kaltag: Hey, Balto! Translate this for me, will ya? Yeah, yeah!

[howls]

Star: Hey, what's wolf for 'Go chase your tail'?

Balto: RRRRRRR.

[Steele, Nikki, Kaltag, and Star see Balto approaching them, growling; they stop howling]

Steele: Get him.

[Nikki, Kaltag, and Star start barking]

Steele: Get out of here, wolfdog. You better get back to your own pack!

[spits on Balto]

Boris: Maybe we go now, huh? Now!

[Steele and the others turn around and kick snow at Balto as Boris pushes him away]

Steele: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Kaltag: I think that Balto's friend has got his feathers ruffled.

Star: Feathers! Goose! I get it! Ah ha ha ha!

Steele: [kicks a stone at Balto, knocking him into a pile of junk]

Nikki: Half wolf in the side pocket there!

[laughs]

Kaltag: He's the most dead center...

Nikki: Yeah!

Kaltag: The most on-target, the most down the middle...

[gets interrupted by Star]

Star: He hit him!

Steele: Hey goose, you a half-breed too, huh? Part turkey?

Nikki: Good wordplay there, boss!

Kaltag: You are the wittiest, you are the drollest, the cleverest, the sharpest, you are the most hilariousest!

Star: You crack me up! Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha!

[gets bonked on the head by Kaltag]

Star: Ha, ha ha ha ha! Whoopee!

[falls down dizzily]

Balto: Steele, just leave him out of this.

Nikki: [in the background] Woah-hoah-hoah! Oh yeah.

Steele: Oh, Balto.

[slaps Balto twice with his tail as he turns]

Steele: I've got a message for your mother.

[walks over to Nikki, Kaltag, and Star]

Steele: RAOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Nikki, Kaltag, and Star laugh, then howl with Steele]

Steele: ARRROOOOOOOO!

Steele, Nikki, Kaltag, Star: ARRROOOOOOOO!

Balto: RRRRRRRRRRR.

Kaltag: Hey, Balto! Translate this for me, will ya? Yeah, yeah!

[howls]

Star: Hey, what's wolf for 'Go chase your tail'?

Balto: RRRRRRR.

[Steele, Nikki, Kaltag, and Star see Balto approaching them, growling; they stop howling]

Steele: Get him.

[Nikki, Kaltag, and Star start barking]

Steele: Get out of here, wolfdog. You better get back to your own pack!

[spits on Balto]

Boris: Maybe it's just fear talking, but I am seeing wisdom in this advice. Maybe we go now, huh? Now!

[Steele and the others turn around and kick snow at Balto as Boris pushes him away]

Steele: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Kaltag: I think that Balto's friend has got his feathers ruffled.

Star: Feathers! Goose! I get it! Ah ha ha ha!

Steele: [kicks a stone at Balto, knocking him into a pile of junk]

Nikki: Half wolf in the side pocket there!

[laughs]

Kaltag: He's the most dead center...

Nikki: Yeah!

Kaltag: The most on-target, the most down the middle...

[gets interrupted by Star]

Star: He hit him!

Boris: Balto! I do not like leaving you out here alone. Who's going to tell you how cold you are?

Balto: Boris, they need you even more than I do.

[Boris begins walking away and then stops]

Boris: Let me tell you something, Balto. A dog... cannot make this journey alone but... maybe a wolf can.

Balto: Home sick Boris?, Do you ever think about going back?

Boris: Dont fret my dog, I'm stinking here until I'm sure you can stand on your own four feet.

Balto: Your, taking care of me?

Boris: Dont thank me.

Balto: I smell... Heron.

Boris: The heron are flying south too?

Balto: Hey, must be Muk and Luk.

Boris: Hu-uh Good news?

Luk: Uncle Boris!

Balto: Oh no.

Balto: How sweet, Uncle Boris.

Boris: Balto. Racing in a spectator sport, it requires very little preparation! You sit, you arrange refreshments.

[Grabs a box and takes out a white flake]

Boris: You like potato chip?

[Eats it, then a bubble comes out his mouth. He reads the label on the box... Soap Flakes]

Balto: I'm not watching the race... I'm running it.

Boris: [Splutters] You said what?

Balto: Hey, look I wanna help Rosy get better. I can get that medicine through.

Boris: First of all, get it through your head that they wouldn't put you in a sled team even if you did win, which won't happen and if it did it wouldn't matter!

Balto: Boris, did 'ya ever think maybe you're the reason the other geese fly south?

Boris: [Miffed] If only your feet were as fast as your mouth.

Balto: Hey, they're starting, Wish me luck!

Boris: Luck? I don't wish you luck, I wish you SENSE!

[Balto leaves. After Boris pauses, quietly]

Boris: Good luck, kiddo.

Jenna: [Jenna falls in the snow because she is hurt] Ahh! Clumsy.

Balto: No, you're not. You're hurt.

Jenna: I'm fine.

[Jenna gets back up but falls in the snow again]

Jenna: Ahh! Maybe I'm not so fine. You should go ahead without me.

Balto: Jenna...

Jenna: No no I'll be slowing everyone down. Rosy can't hold out much longer.

Jenna: Muk, you and Luk carry Jenna back to town on this.

[Balto gets a branch fallen off a tree]

Boris: And this time don't take tome out for a swim!

[Boris giggles]

Balto: You can make sure of that, Boris. You're gonna lead them home.

[to Jenna]

Balto: Just follow my marks.

Jenna: You're going all alone?

Balto: Won't be the first time.

Jenna: Here.

[Jenna takes off her bandana and puts it on Balto]

Jenna: Afraid it won't keep you very warm.

Balto: Yeah, it will.

[Balto and Jenna muzzle each other]

Muk: [Luk starts to cry] Well, of course Balto will come back. He's Balto isn't he?

Balto: Hey! I'm coming back, with the medicine. I promise, Jenna. Go ahead, guys. Take her home.

[Balto starts walking off but Boris stops him]

Boris: Balto, I do not like leaving you out here alone. Who's going to tell you how cold you are?

Balto: Boris.

[Balto shoves Boris to look at the others]

Balto: They need you even more then I do.

Boris: Let me tell you something, Balto. A dog cannot make this journey alone. But maybe a wolf can.

Karen: Boris Badenov. I've seen you on TV. You're a crooked, creepy, no-good rotten worm.

Boris: Oh, thank you.

Karen: You're slimy, sneaky, sleazy...

Boris: Please. You'll turn my pretty head.

Karen: You're a sadistic spy and a really bad person

Boris: Stop. You're embarrassing me.

Boris: We don't need computer weapon to kill moose and squirrel. We've been trying to kill moose and squirrel for 35 years.

Natasha: And we've never even come close.

Boris: Exactly.

[the cannon fails to fire]

Boris, Natasha: Where is boom?

Boris: [reading computer directions] Press any key to continue... Which is "Any Key?"

Fearless Leader: How many times in the past have they stood between me and my dreams of glory? How many times have they foiled my plans with their bungling interference?

Boris: Er... 28?

Fearless Leader: Quiet, idiot!

Boris: For a group of U.N. guards to go, it's too dangerous. For you guys? Sure, why not? Go to Celibici. Do the world a favor.

Benjamin: Okay, I'm sorry, are you still insinuating we're a CIA hit squad or something?

Boris: I'm sorry, are you still insinuating you're journalists?

Boris: It took me months to gain the trust of certain people who normally would be protecting the Fox. That's how I know you didn't just stumble on the fact he's up in Celibici.

Duck: Well, it's been printed in the press.

Boris: So are the horoscopes. Do you believe them?

Duck: You're not making any sense now.

Boris: I know. I'm the United Nations.

Boris: [introducing them to Mirjana] I'm not doing what I'm doing. I mean, clearly I'm doing this, but I'm not doing this, because if I was doing this, I could get into a lot of trouble for doing it.

Duck: What the fuck, Boris?

Boris: Yeah. She might seem young and beautiful to you, but she would cut your balls off and sell them as trinkets if she thinks you're fucking with her. Okay?

Boris: So you met the midget.

Duck: It's better than running over the midget.

Boris: This has already cost us too much. Make sure nothing can go wrong.

Doctor Van Dongen: I'll do my best. Let's hope it functions.

Boris: Hope is not enough, Van Dongen. *Guarantees* are what we need in this business. Understand?

Boris: Oh... Not to worry. All are equal in my eye.

Countess Alexandrovna: You are the greatest lover I've ever had.

Boris: Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone.

[last lines]

Boris: The question is: have I learned anything about life? Only that... only that human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that He's evil. I think that the worst you can say about Him is that, basically, He's an underachiever. After all, you know, there are worse things in life than death. I mean, if you've ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, you know exactly what I mean. The key here, I think, is to... to not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. Regarding love, heh, you know, what can you say? It's not the quantity of your sexual relations that count. It's the quality. On the other hand, if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it. Well, that's about it for me folks. Goodbye.

Boris: Nothingness... non-existence... black emptiness...

Sonja: What did you say?

Boris: Oh, I was just planning my future.

Sonja: Oh don't, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience.

Boris: Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Mother: He'll go and he'll fight, and I hope they will put him in the front lines.

Boris: Thanks a lot, Mom. My mother, folks.

Sonja: You were my one great love.

Boris: Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm dead.

Sonja: What's it like?

Boris: What's it like? You know the chicken at Tresky's Restaurant? It's worse.

[Boris is standing, looking at Napoleon, who's lying unconcious on the floor]

Boris: If I don't kill him he'll make war all through Europe. But murder... the most foul of all crimes. What would Socrates say? All those Greeks were homosexuals. Boy, they must have had some wild parties. I bet they all took a house together in Crete for the summer. A: Socrates is a man. B: All men are mortal. C: All men are Socrates. That means all men are homosexuals. Heh... I'm not a homosexual. Once, some cossacks whistled at me. I happen to have the kind of body that excites both persuasions. You know, some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all, you know... they become lawyers.

Napoleon: This is an honor for me.

Boris: No, it's a greater honor for me.

Napoleon: No, a greater honor for me.

Boris: No, it's a greater honor for me.

Napoleon: No, a greater honor for ME.

Boris: Well, perhaps you're right. Perhaps it IS a greater honor for you.

Napoleon: And you must be Don Francisco's sister.

Sonja: No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

Napoleon: No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

Sonja: No, you must be Don Francisco's sister.

Boris: No, it's a greater honor for me.

Napoleon: I see our Spanish guests have a sense of humor.

Boris: She's a great kidder.

Sonja: No, you're a great kidder.

Boris: No, you're Don Francisco's sister.

Drill Sergeant: One, two. One, two. One, two.

Boris: Three is next, if you're having any trouble.

Soldier: He was from my village. He was the village idiot.

Boris: Yeah, what did you do, place?

Boris: If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Soldier: The idea is not to panic and run... then they shoot you in the back.

Soldier: I don't want to be trampled by a horse. What about you, Boris?

Boris: [sarcastically] Yeah, I want to be trampled by a horse. I don't even want to fight.

Boris: Wheat... lots of wheat... fields of wheat... a tremendous amount of wheat...

Boris: Sonja, are you scared of dying?

Sonja: Scared is the wrong word. I'm frightened of it.

Boris: That's an interesting distinction.

[Boris and his father speak in Dostoevsky references]

Father: Remember that nice boy next door, Raskolnikov?

Boris: Yeah.

Father: He killed two ladies.

Boris: What a nasty story.

Father: Bobak told it to me. He heard it from one of the Karamazov brothers.

Boris: He must have been possessed.

Father: Well, he was a raw youth.

Boris: Raw youth, he was an idiot!

Father: He acted assaulted and injured.

Boris: I heard he was a gambler.

Father: You know, he could be your double!

Boris: Really, how novel.

Sonja: Alright, let's say that there is no God and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses, well, well, what prevents you from murdering somebody?

Boris: Well, murder is immoral.

Sonja: Immorality is subjective.

Boris: Yes but subjectivity is objective.

Sonja: Not in any rational scheme of perception.

Boris: Perception is irrational, it implies immanence.

Sonja: But judgement of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract and empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.

Boris: Yeah, I've said that many times.

Drill Sergeant: From now on you'll clean the mess hall and the latrine!

Boris: Yes, sir! How will I tell the difference?

Sonja: Boris, you're a coward!

Boris: Yes, but I'm a militant coward.

Boris: Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning. I was supposed to go at five o'clock, but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency.

Inbedkov: [preparing for duel] We'll do it now... and to the death.

Boris: Oh no, I can't do anything to the death. Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition, and death is the worst thing for it.

Boris: There's been a mistake! I know, I made it!

Boris: In addition to our summer and winter estate, he owned a valuable piece of land. True, it was a small piece, but he carried it with him wherever he went.

Sonja: There are many different kinds of love, Boris. There's love between a man and a woman; between a mother and son...

Boris: Two women. Let's not forget my favorite.

Sonja: And I want three children.

Boris: Yes. Yes. One of each.

Sonja: Violence is justified in the service of mankind.

Boris: Who said that?

Sonja: Attila the Hun.

Boris: You're quoting a Hun to me?

Sonja: I truly think this is the best of all possible worlds.

Boris: It's certainly the most expensive.

Sonja: Oh, Boris, I'm so unhappy.

Boris: Ohh, I wish you weren't.

Sonja: Voskovec and I quarrel frequently. I've become a scandal.

Boris: Poor Sonja.

Sonja: For the past weeks, I've visited Seretski in his room

Boris: Why? What's in his room? Oh...

Sonja: And before Seretski, Aleksei, and before Aleksei, Alegorian, and before Alegorian, Asimov, and...

Boris: Okay!

Sonja: Wait, I'm still on the A's.

Boris: How many lovers do you have?

Sonja: In the mid-town area?

Boris: Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.

Sonja: Of course there's a God! We're made in His image!

Boris: You think I was made in God's image? Take a look at me. You think He wears glasses?

Sonja: Not with those frames.

Anton: If you so much as come near the Countess, I'll see that you never see the light of day again.

Boris: If a man said that to me, I'd break his neck.

Anton: *I* am a man.

Boris: Well, I mean a much shorter man.

Soldier: Oh, God is testing us.

Boris: If He's gonna test us, why doesn't He give us a written?

Boris: [Critiquing the Hygiene Play] I was never interested, though the soldier delivered his lines with gusto, and the woman had a delightful Cameo Role. A drole satire of contemporary morays! A puckish spoof aimed more at the heart than the head!

Boris: And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that "I run through the valley of the shadow of death" - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly, you see.

Anton: Grushenko? Isn't he the young coward all St. Petersburg is talking about?

Boris: I'm not so young. I'm thirty-five.

Boris: I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.

Boris: I have no fear of the gallows.

Father: No?

Boris: No. Why should I? They're going to shoot me.

Boris: I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.

Sonja: He kissed me.

Boris: Any place I should know about?

Sonja: He warmed the cockles of my heart.

Boris: That's just great. Nothing like hot cockles.

Boris: I can't shower with other men.

Sonja: Boris, you can't be serious, you're talking about Mother Russia.

Boris: She's not my mother. My mother's standing right here, and she's not gonna let her youngest baby get shrapnel in his gums.

Mikhail: Our brother has a yellow streak down his back.

Boris: No, it's not down, it runs across.

Countess Alexandrovna: Would you like some wine? Something to put you in the mood?

Boris: I've been in the mood since the late 1700's.

Boris: Hey, what is this, Slap Boris Day?

Boris: Granted, I have a few eccentricities. I won't eat any food that begins with the letter F. Like chicken, for instance.

Sonja: What are you suggesting, passive resistance?

Boris: No, I'm suggesting active fleeing.

Countess Alexandrovna: You're disgusting, but I love you.

Boris: Well, my disgustingness is my best feature.

Boris: You're a tyrant, and a dictator, and you start wars!

Napoleon: Why is he reciting my credits?

Boris: [composing poetry] "I should have been a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas... " Too sentimental!

[crumples up paper and throws it in the fire]

Boris: [about their plan to murder Napoleon] ... I know, but murder, the most foul of all crimes. And not just abstract murder like shooting an unknown enemy on the battlefield, but standing in a closed room with a live human being and pulling the trigger, face to face. And a famous human being, a successful one, one who earns more than I do... My God, you figure Napoleon has gotta be good for 10,000 francs a week... That's minimum. That's without tips or extras. Nothing like that. And me, what am I? He's a great man. He thinks like the superman, and I'm just a worm, an insect... some kind of crawling, disgusting, creeping little vermin! You know, you can stop me!

Sonja: I will when I disagree.

[first lines]

Boris: How I got into this predicament I'll never know. Absolutely incredible. To be executed for a crime I never committed. Of course, isn't all mankind in the same boat? Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed? The difference is that all men go eventually, but I go six o'clock tomorrow morning. I was supposed to go at five o'clock but I have a smart lawyer. Got leniency.

Vladimir Maximovitch: Why, thank you.

Boris: Vladimir Maximovich, you're alive!

Vladimir Maximovitch: No, I'm dead. Look at this hole.

Boris: Does it hurt?

Vladimir Maximovitch: I feel nothing.

Boris: You don't look so bad for a guy who is dead. Actually, better when you were alive.

Gen. Lecoq: Now men, because you are all getting a three-day furlough before going into battle, we would like to show you this little hygiene play.

[the actors step forward and the play begins]

Woman hygiene class: Goodbye. I hope you had a good time.

Soldier: I did. I had a good time. Oh, what's this sore on my lip? I better see the doctor.

[He steps to his right and another actor stands up]

Soldier: Doc, I have this sore on my lip.

Doctor: You have a social disease my friend.

Soldier: Oh my God!

Doctor: If you do not treat it, you will go blind... Or insane!

[Applause]

Gen. Lecoq: Well men, that is the end of the play. Have a good time on your furlough and take care of yourselves.

Soldier: Well, what did you think of the play?

Boris: Oh, it was weak. I was never interested. Although the part of the doctor was played with gusto and verve and the girl had a delightful cameo role. A puckish satire of contemporary mores. A droll spoof aimed more at the heart than the head.

Soldier: As for me I'm planning to spend the next three days in a brothel. Care to come with me?

Boris: No, I went to a brothel once in my life. I got hiccups you know, it was over like that.

Boris: If, by some mistake, I'm not killed tomorrow, would you marry me?

Sonja: What do you think the odds are?

Countess Alexandrovna: My bedroom at midnight?

Boris: Perfect. Will you be there too?

Countess Alexandrovna: Naturally.

Boris: Until midnight then.

Countess Alexandrovna: [presses his hand to her bosom] Midnight.

Boris: Make it a quarter to twelve.

Countess Alexandrovna: Midnight.

Boris: But of course.

Drill Sergeant: You want a dishonorable discharge?

Boris: Yes sir, either that or a furlough.

Boris: [sleeve bloodied after being grazed by bullet] Does this come out, from dry cleaning, or is it like gravy?

Boris: We have to take our possessions and flee. I'm very good at that. I was the men's freestyle fleeing champion two years in a row.

Boris: And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person.

[Boris must fight a duel in the morning]

Sonja: Uh... this Anton Inbedkov, he is a good shot isn't he?

Boris: I'm afraid so.

Sonja: Well, since this may be your last night on Earth, let's go back to my room and make love.

Boris: Oh... nice idea! I'll bring the soy sauce.

[Boris is bothered by thoughts of suicide]

Boris: Something's missing.

Doctor: What?

Boris: I don't know, I feel a void at the center of my being.

Doctor: What kind of void?

Boris: Well... an empty void.

Doctor: An empty void?

Boris: Yes. I felt a full void about a month ago but it was just something I ate.

Second: [to both Boris and Count Inbedkov] Starting back to back, on my signal you will walk ten paces, turn and fire. Is that clear?

Inbedkov: Of course.

Boris: Of course.

Second: Good luck. And God be with you both.

Boris: [to God] You listening?

Sonja: Hey, this is good champagne, Boris.

Boris: Oh yeah? Have you had enough, or are you gonna drink another case?

Sonja: Alright, let's say that there is no God and each man is free to do exactly as he chooses, well, well, what prevents you from murdering somebody?

Boris: Well murder is immoral.

Sonja: Immorality is subjective.

Boris: Yes but subjectivity is objective.

Sonja: Not in any rational scheme of perception.

Boris: Perception is irrational, it implies immanence.

Sonja: But judgement of any system or a priori relation of phenomena exists in any rational or metaphysical or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract and empirical concept such as being or to be or to occur in the thing itself or of the thing itself.

Boris: Yeah, I've said that many times.

Sonja: That is so jejune!

Boris: Jejune? You have the temerity to accuse me of quoting to you out of jejunosity? I'm the most june person there is!

Boris: Of course there was Old Greggor and his son Young Greggor. Oddly enough, Young Greggor's son was older than Old Greggor. Nobody could figure out how that happened. And everytime I asked they'd slap me.

Tillie: Well, as you know, every revolution requires a secret mission or two to level the battlefield, so Boris and I whipped up a little something that might even the odds tomorrow.

Taz: What is this?

Tillie: Microscopic crabs. Kind of tough to focus on your surfing when you got those cute little critters dancing in your shorts.

Boris: In 1971, I put the crabs like that into the jockstrap of President Nixon. I was towel boy in racquet club, and there is famous film of Nixon shaking the hand of Chinese premier, and then immediately he scratches his balls.

Boris: Everything can be fixed. Always!

Boris: All I want is to be a cowboy and to wear my own pants!

[Boris has bet and lost his pants in game of poker]

Boris: Frenchy, think of my position. I've met every king in Europe!

Frenchy: Now you've met two aces in Bottleneck. Off with your pants.

Boris: Observe my brain in action. Now where would I go if I were a dead body? Would I stay in the open? No - no privacy.

Tom Destry Jr.: Mm-hmm. Wouldn't go in the river if you can't swim.

Washington Dimsdale: Why didn't I stay in the gutter where I was well off?

Boris: Would I go under the ground? No - there's no future in it.

Boris: Moof!

Boris: I am, what psychiatrists call, alpha male.

Boris: [Holding the religious nutjobs at gunpoint] Now reach for the Almighty!

Boris: You know, Harry, I'm still trying to find the big picture but I keep missing it because I am so in love with Barbara that nothing else matters.

Dr Harry Wolper: What makes you think you are missing it?

Boris: That's it? One course in "The Big Picture". 12 credits.

Dr Harry Wolper: It's very big. 12 credits probably isn't enough, it's so big.

Boris: I think I'll go back down to registration.

Dr Harry Wolper: There are no exams. Grades are based on interest and participation.

Boris: It's ok with me, I like exams.

Dr Harry Wolper: MY assistantships pay $3,500.

Boris: So do everybody else's.

Dr Harry Wolper: Also, I know the name of the girl you followed into the lab.

[pause]

Boris: I need to think.

Dr Harry Wolper: Think there.

Dr Sid Kullenbeck: Come on Harry, I need him. I'm running a tight well-oiled machine over in my lab, and every insignificant little cog counts. Now where the hell is the little fucker?

Boris: The little fucker is over here, sir.

Boris: You have two labs?

Dr Harry Wolper: Each has its place. At the university, I try to please the Federal Government. Here, I negotiate with God.

Boris: You know what happened the other night? I was dreaming about you and Lucy. How you met at the beach, and how much you loved each other. I woke up, and I was crying. All these tears were just - I wanna love someone like that so bad, Harry, it hurts.

Dr Harry Wolper: Barbara Spencer.

Boris: What?

Dr Harry Wolper: Well it's not much, but it's all I have at the moment.

Boris: What is?

Dr Harry Wolper: The name of the girl you followed into the lab. It's Barbara Spencer.

Boris: Love is dead, Harry.

Dr Harry Wolper: How depressing. Never mind, Boris. Women's liberation will run its course and we will prevail.

Boris: Can I go home now? I'm kinda jocked out.

Barbara: Larry kept telling me that we would just be roommates and nothing more. Then I wasn't there a week until he was trying to get me to SLEEP with him.

Boris: That's terrible. ...

Boris: Y'know Barbara, I've got lots of room in my apartment. And I won't bother you, really.

Boris: Harry, how did you know you were in love? I mean with you and Lucy. How'd you know it wasn't just infatuation?

Dr Harry Wolper: Scientifically, of COURSE. By using The Love Formula.

Boris: The what?

Dr Harry Wolper: Love Formula. Add up the number of times that you think about the lady each day. Subtract from the total the number of times you think about yourself each day. If the remainder is more lady, and less yourself, then it's love.

Boris: Oh, I've been thinking about Barbara a lot lately.

Dr Harry Wolper: What's so very neat about this particular formula, is that "a lot" plugs into it beautifully. Boris, would you and the subject of your computations care to join me at the beach house for the weekend?

Boris: We were wondering if, um, well, if she might have gotten pregnant somehow.

Dr Sid Kullenbeck: "Somehow".

Dr Harry Wolper: (to patient) Well now, haven't you put yourself into a pretty old pickle?

Boris: Harry.

Dr Harry Wolper: Eh heh?

Boris: Harry, she's in a coma.

Dr Harry Wolper: Comas confuse me. She's not asleep. She is not dead. She must be alive, don't you think?

Boris: Yes.

Dr Harry Wolper: But what we need round here is some consciousness.

Dr Harry Wolper: Does it check?

Boris: Yes it checks. They all check. They're coming out just the way they did when Sid ordered them. You're right, he does good work.

Dr Harry Wolper: Mmm. Also, he is an asshole.

Boris: Wanna know something really crazy, Harry?

Dr Harry Wolper: Always.

Boris: We're gonna do it, Harry.

Dr Harry Wolper: Oh no. YOU. Are going to do it.

Boris: She's breathing by herself.

Pavlo: Yes Boris, she is.

Boris: Well that's a GOOD SIGN, isn't it?

Pavlo: Yes, Boris, that's an excellent sign. It is absolutely outstanding.

Boris: [the doctors have removed Barbara's ventilator and are reading her vitals] Barbara! You did great!

[kisses her hand, then her forehead]

Boris: Now, don't go anywhere! I'm gonna go get your parents, and I'm gonna tell Harry! Ok? Oh, Barbara! I love you! She's alive!

[Boris hugs Cid]

Boris: Barabara's alive!

[Boris hugs a nurse walking past the ICU]

Boris: Barbara's alive!

[Boris leaps over the nurse's station and kisses the nurse]

Boris: I gotta go tell everybody!

[Boris runs out towards the entrance]

Dr Harry Wolper: [Harry is sitting on the bench outside the entrance to the lab, reading a newspaper and waiting for news on Barbara]

Boris: [races out of the lab and looks around wildly. He sees Harry sitting on the bench, who has seen Boris run out, putting down his paper] SON OF A BITCH!

[Boris screams this, throwing his hands up in the air]

Dr Harry Wolper: [Harry stands, drops the paper and closing his eyes, holds out his arms as Boris comes running to him and throws his arms around Harry. The two embrace, and Boris begins crying tears of happiness and relief into Harry's shoulder]

Boris: Call me an ambulance. Somebody, call me an ambulance.

Nicky Dimes: Shut up.

Boris: Fuck you, I'm bleeding.

Nicky Dimes: I'll call you a hearse... this is for Cody.

[He shoots him]

Boris: Lee, this guy's...

Lee: Boris, please, I'm meeting people right now.

Clarence Worley: [Trying to get his attention] Uh, Mr. Donowitz.

Lee: [Overtly friendly] Oh, Clarence, don't insult me, just call me Lee.

Boris: [With urgency] Lee...

Lee: [Annoyed] Boris, shut the fuck up!

Lee: Boris, shut the fuck up. We're all gonna die here. These are cops.

Boris: So what, they're cops, who gives a shit? Hey Lee, there's something I never told you about me: I hate fuckin' cops.

[first lines]

Boris: Wait, squirrel! Here. Put it on.