Bob Steckler Quotes in UHF (1989)

[George and Bob just got fired again]

Bob Steckler: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.

George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and... just bash my head right in! Go ahead. Really. Please! Just BASH it right in!

Bob Steckler: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me five bucks.

Stanley Spadowski: George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?

Bob Steckler: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?

Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead... Do you mind, George?

Raul Hernandez: Hey, man! This is Raul Hernandez and welcome to "Raul's Wild Kingdom" coming to you live from My Apartment! How 'bout that, huh? Okay. The first thing we're gonna do today is check out the wonderful world of turtles. This is my friend, Tommy. Tommy, say hello to the nice people. 'Hello!' Ha! Isn't he great? Okay, so... the turtle is a member of the Reptile family and he's got this hard, protective shell, which keeps predators away... also provides him with his own home when he sleeps. Oh, and he's got these tiny, teeny little legs which makes him move real slow. Not too many people know this, but the turtle is also Nature's suction cup. Watch this.

[licks underside of turtle and tosses it up towards the ceiling. Off camera it makes a loud plop sound]

Raul Hernandez: Did you see that? It sticks! Ha! Okay, yeah... what else I got for you? Yeah, check this out! This is my ant farm. Now ants are amazing. They can carry 50 times their own weight and they work for weeks and weeks building these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah... they hate it when you do this...

[picks up ant farm and shakes it vigorously up and down]

Raul Hernandez: Oh look! They're really mad, now.

George Newman: [watching Raul on TV with Bob] Where did you find this guy?

Bob Steckler: Me? I thought you hired him.

Raul Hernandez: For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.

[claps his hands]

Raul Hernandez: Come here... come here, Foofy. Ah, Foofy. Are you psyched? Are you ready? Okay... Here we go. Get ready. And... FLY!

[tosses poodle out of the apartment window. Poodle barks all the way down and hits with a loud thump]

Raul Hernandez: Oh, man... You know, sometimes it takes them a little longer to learn how to do it right. Okay, come on. Come on. Cheer up. Cheer up. Eh, eh, eh. Who's next? Ah, Gigi!

[tosses black poodle out of the window which barks all the way down and hits with another loud thud]

Raul Hernandez: Ah, man!

George Newman: I need a drink.

Bob Steckler: You don't drink.

George Newman: Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

Bob Steckler: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.

George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

George Newman: Well... I've got good news and bad news.

Bob Steckler: Okay, give me the bad news first.

George Newman: Well... given our current financial status, compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices... I figure this station will be flat broke by the end of the week.

Bob Steckler: [in shock] Well, what's the good news?

George Newman: I lied. There is no good news.

[Bob opens a piece of mail and looks at the mail in shock]

George Newman: What do you got there, Bob?

Bob Steckler: It's the ratings!

George Newman: Don't tell me we actually made the list.

Bob Steckler: We're number one.

George Newman: Say what?

Bob Steckler: We beat the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these notes. We got three shows in the top 5. "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse" went through the roof. Do you known what this means? We're finally going to make some real money. George, we are the number one station in town!

[They both scream for excitement]

Movie Announcer: There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U-62. First, slam to your way to health as you "Stay Fit" with Mike and Spike! Next, everybody's favorite: Chef Bernie invites you to go "Bowling for Burgers"! Sunday, be a part of the excitement as we premiere our new dazzling game show, "Strip Solitaire"! And then, join us for hilarious fun on the all new "Practical Jokes and Bloopers"! And you won't want to miss "Celebrity Mud Wrestling" with special guest: McCall Contraband! It's a whole new weekend on U-62, the reason television was invented!

Stanley Spadowski: [chuckles] Be there!

George Newman: [picks up a frying basket from a pot of boiling cooking oil, the blackened remains of something are seen] Well, I think the fries are just about done.

[He puts the frying basket back in the cooking oil]

Bob Steckler: [unhappy] Aw geez, George. You'd better not let Big Edna see that or she'll have a fit.

George Newman: [as Big Edna walks up behind him] Big Edna. Big Edna. You sound like a broken record. Big Edna this, Big Edna that. Why are you so afraid of that big, pathetic tub of lard?

[Bob grimaces and turns away with embarassment as George quickly turns around and sees Big Edna now standing right behind him. George weakly smiles, as Big Edna smiles back, looking very menacing]

George Newman: You know what? Nobody in this small town appreciates a guy with a good imagination.

Bob Steckler: Well, maybe not the people at the lumber yard, or the miniature golf course, or Floyd's Fish Market, or any of the other places you worked in the last... month.

Bob Steckler: What's Teri gonna say when she learns you got fired from another job again? Aren't you supposed to meet her at her parents house for dinner tonight?

George Newman: Teri? Oh no! What time is it?

[an arm belonging to a beginner student at Kuni's Karate School suddenly next door suddenly bursts through the wall as George looks at the wristwatch on the man's arm]

George Newman: 7:30? Oh no, I gotta run. I'll see you later.

[in response to Fletcher stating that he owns Channel 62]

Bob Steckler: Wait a minute. Don't you already own Channel 8? Isn't it illegal to own two television stations in the same town?

R.J. Fletcher: Oh! Really? Gee...

[George and Bob do not say anything]

R.J. Fletcher: I guess I'll have to turn this place into a parking lot!

[then Fletcher laughs hysterically]

R.J. Fletcher: Toodle-oo!

George Newman: How's this for our new Friday night line-up? Eight o'clock, "Druids On Parade", then "The Volcano Worshipper's Hour", followed by "Underwater Bingo for Teams", and... "Fun with Dirt"!

Bob Steckler: Why not?