Bob Quotes in Deadpool (2016)

Deadpool: [During the final battle] Bob?

Bob: Wade?

Deadpool: Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since...

Bob: Jacksonville.

Deadpool: TGI.

Deadpool, Bob: Fridays.

Deadpool: Well, what the hell?

[Deadpool helps Bob up]

Deadpool: God. Come here you.

[Deadpool knocks Bob out, and then Deadpool starts dragging him]

Deadpool: How are the kids? Good? And Gail? She still fixing that tuna casserole? *So* good. Bad for the waistline, you know what I'm talking about.

Bob: I know you and Tyrone go way back, Sil. I'll be frank: the Company thinks you should be here. I don't. Truth is, there is no real threat here. We won the revolution for these people. The more guns there are here, the more likely there is to be a misunderstanding. This is my last station, before retiring. I don't need a misunderstanding. Is that clear?

Jack Silva: Loud and.

Bob: These are your credentials, and two weeks' per diem. Better spend 'em quick; things change fast here in Benghazi. We have the brightest minds, from the Farm, educated at Harvard and Yale, doing the important work. Best thing for you to do, is stay out of their way.

Tyrone 'Rone' Woods: You have a U.S. Ambassador at risk. Send us, Chief. You've got to send us.

Bob: The Ambassador is in his safe haven with his body man. You're not the first responders. You're the last resort. You will wait.

Bob: I'm staying. I have intel to collect.

Jack Silva: For what? So that more guys like Ty and Glenn have to come back here. Save your ass again? You're done here. Now... get in the FUCKING CAR!

Bob: [Referring to the GRS ex-SOF security guys, hired by CIA to provide security at the classified Annex] Here's what you guys are good at: working out, eating five hot meals a day. What you're not so good at, is doing what you're told.

Tyrone 'Rone' Woods: That roadblock was run by Ansar al-Sharia. It's not just tribal groups of freedom fighters anymore.

Bob: If you have useful intel, Tyrone, put it in a memo. You guys, bunk here. But you're not CIA. You're hired help. Act the part.

Bob: What makes these special operators, so special, if you can't do what I need, when I need it.

Bob: [During gunfight at CIA Annex] Feb 17 says you're shooting at them!

Kris 'Tanto' Paronto: THEY started shooting qt us!

[Gunfight continues]

Kris 'Tanto' Paronto: And they're still fucking shooting at us!

Bob: I'm proud to know Americans like you.

Bob: Be advised, ISR saying that cars and bodies are massing in the parking lot to our west.

Kris 'Tanto' Paronto: Yeah, Chief, I just put that out over the radio about two minutes ago. Tell the ISR guys they're pretty much worthless.

Edna: This is a horrible suit, darling. You can't be seen in this. I won't allow it. Fifteen years ago, maybe, but now? Feh!

Bob: Wait, what do you mean? *You* designed it.

Edna: I never look back, darling! It distracts from the now.

Edna: It will be bold! Dramatic!

Bob: Yeah!

Edna: Heroic!

Bob: Yeah. Something classic, like, like Dynaguy. Oh, he had a great look! Oh, the cape and the boots...

Edna: [throws a wadded ball of paper at Bob's head] No capes!

Bob: Isn't that my decision?

Edna: Do you remember Thunderhead? Tall, storm powers? Nice man, good with kids.

Bob: Listen, E...

Edna: November 15th of '58! All was well, another day saved, when... his cape snagged on a missile fin!

Bob: Thunderhead was not the brightest bulb...

Edna: Stratogale! April 23rd, '57! Cape caught in a jet turbine!

Bob: E, you can't generalize about these things...

Edna: Metaman, express elevator! Dynaguy, snagged on takeoff! Splashdown, sucked into a vortex!

[shouts]

Edna: No capes!

Dash: [answers door] Hey, Lucius!

Lucius: Hey, Speedo, Helen, Vi, Jack-Jack.

Bob: Hey, hey! ICE of you to drop by.

Lucius: Ha!

[unenthusiastically]

Lucius: Never heard that one before.

Bob: Weren't you in the news? Some show in, Prayge... Prague?

Edna: Milan, darling. Milan. Supermodels. Heh! Nothing super about them... spoiled, stupid little stick figures with poofy lips who think only about themselves. Feh! I used to design for *gods*!

Gilbert Huph: Look at me when I'm talking to you, Parr!

Bob: [looking out the window] That man out there, he needs help!

Gilbert Huph: Do not change the subject, Bob! We're discussing your attitude!

Bob: *He* is getting *mugged*!

Gilbert Huph: Well let's hope we don't cover him!

Bob: [leaving] I'll be right back.

Gilbert Huph: Stop right now, or you're fired!

[Bob stops]

Gilbert Huph: Close the door.

[Bob closes door]

Gilbert Huph: Get over here now.

[Bob lets go of the doorknob, which has been crushed by his grip; he walks over to Huph]

Gilbert Huph: I'm not happy, Bob. Not happy.

Bob: [glancing out the window] He got away.

Gilbert Huph: Good thing, too. You were this close to losing your jo...

[Bob grabs Huph by the throat and throws him through the wall; he goes through several walls, to the shock of the other workers]

Bob: Uh-oh.

Edna: You need a new suit, that much is certain.

Bob: A new suit? Well, where the heck am I gonna get a new suit?

Edna: You can't! It's impossible! I'm far too busy, so ask me now before I can become sane.

Bob: Wait? You want to make me a suit?

Edna: You push too hard, darling! But I accept!

[Bob is explaining an insurance policy loophole to a Mrs. Hogenson]

Bob: [whispering] Listen closely. I'd like to help you but I can't. I'd like to tell you to take a copy of your policy to Norma Wilcox on... Norma Wilcox, W-I-L-C-O-X... on the third floor, but I can't.

[Mrs. Hogenson scribbles details of Bob's loophole on a small notepad]

Bob: I also do not advise you to fill out and file a WS2475 form with our legal department on the second floor. I would not expect someone to get back to you quickly to resolve the matter. I'd like to help, but there's nothing I can do.

Helen: Tell me you haven't been listening to the police scanner again

Bob: Look, I performed a public service. You act like that's a bad thing.

Helen: It is a bad thing, Bob! Uprooting our family *again* so that you can relive the glory days is a very bad thing!

Bob: [Defensively] Reliving the glory days is better than pretending they never happened!

Helen: Yes! They happened, but this; our family, is what's happening now, Bob! And you're missing this! I can't believe you don't want to go to your own son's graduation!

Bob: It's not a graduation. He is moving from the fourth grade to the fifth grade.

Helen: It's a ceremony!

Bob: It's psychotic! People keep coming up with new ways to celebrate mediocrity, but if someone is genuinely exceptional...

Helen: This is not about you, Bob. This is about Dash.

Bob: You want to do something for Dash? Well, let him actually compete! Let him go out for sports!

Helen: I will not be made the enemy here! You *know* why we can't!

Bob: Because he'd be *GREAT*!

Helen: [Growing in size looming over Bob] This is not - about - YOU!

Bob: [Notices a disturbance] Alright, Dash. Come on out I know you're listening.

Helen: Vi, you too, young lady.

Bob: It's okay. Your mother and I were just having a discussion.

Violet: A pretty loud discussion.

Bob: Yeah, but that's okay. Because Mommy and I are always united. Against the... uh forces of...

Helen: Pig-headedness?

Bob: I was gonna say evil or something...

Helen: We're sorry we woke you. Everything's alright, get back to bed... in fact

[to Bob]

Helen: we should *all* be in bed.

Gilbert Huph: I'm not happy, Bob. Not happy. Ask me why.

Bob: Okay. Why?

Gilbert Huph: Why what? Be specific, Bob.

Bob: Why are you unhappy?

Gilbert Huph: Your customers make me unhappy.

Bob: Why? Have you gotten complaints?

Gilbert Huph: Complaints I can handle. What I can't handle is your customers' inexplicable knowledge of Insuricare's inner workings. They're experts! Experts, Bob! Exploiting every loophole! Dodging every obstacle! They're penetrating the bureaucracy!

Lucius: [Bob and Lucius are sitting in a parked car, reminiscing] So now I'm in deep trouble. I mean, one more jolt of this death ray and I'm an epitaph. Somehow I manage to find cover and what does Baron von Ruthless do?

Bob: [laughing] He starts monologuing.

Lucius: He starts monologuing! He starts like, this prepared speech about how *feeble* I am compared to him, how *inevitable* my defeat is, how *the world* *will soon* *be his*, yadda yadda yadda.

Bob: Yammering.

Lucius: Yammering! I mean, the guy has me on a platter and he won't shut up!

Helen: Dash, do have something you want to tell your father about school?

Dash: [nervously] Oh, uh... Well, we dissected a frog...

Helen: Dash got sent to the office again.

Bob: [Not paying attention] Good, good.

Helen: No, Bob. That's bad.

Bob: What?

Helen: Dash got sent to the office again.

Bob: What? What for?

Dash: Nothing!

Helen: He put a tack on the teacher's chair. *During* class.

Dash: Nobody saw me. You could barely see it on the tape.

Bob: They caught you on tape and you still got away with it? Whoa! You must have been booking! How fast do you think you were going?

Helen: Bob, we are not encouraging this!

Bob: E, I just need a patch job. For... sentimental reasons.

Edna: Fine. I will also fix the hobo suit.

Bob: You're the best of the best, E

Edna: [Walking up stairs] Yes, I know, dahling.

[Bob and Lucius are rescuing people from a burning building]

Bob: Can't you put this out?

Lucius: I can't lay down a layer thick enough. It's evaporating too fast!

Bob: What's that mean?

Lucius: It means it's hot! And I'm dehydrated, Bob!

Bob: You're out of ice? You can't run out of ice! I thought you could use the water in the air!

Lucius: There *is no* water in the air! What's your excuse, running out of muscle?

Bob: I can't just go smashing through walls! The building's getting weaker by the second, it's going to come down on top of us!

Lucius: I wanted to go bowling!

[Bob notices the little boy on the tricycle staring at him for the second day in a row]

Bob: Well, what are *you* waiting for?

Little Boy on Tricycle: I don't know. Something amazing, I guess.

Bob: [sighs] Me too, kid.

Helen: Have a great day, honey. Help customers, climb ladders...

Bob: Bring bacon.

Helen: All that jazz.

Bob: You know I'm retired from hero work.

Edna: As am I, Robert, yet here we are.

[Bob sneaks into the house late at night, but Helen has been waiting up for him]

Helen: I thought you'd be back by 11.

Bob: I said I'd be back later.

Helen: I assumed you'd be back later. If you came back at all, you'd be "back later".

Bob: Well I'm back, okay?

[the old lady tries to thank him for everything, but Bob shushes her]

Bob: [shouts loudly] I'm sorry ma'am, I know you're upset.

[very softly]

Bob: Pretend to be upset.

[old lady starts sobbing very convincingly]

[Helen is feeding Jack-Jack and making baby noises at him]

Dash: Mom, you're making weird faces again.

Helen: [makes a weird face] Noo, I'm not...

Bob: [not looking up from the paper] You make weird faces, honey.

Bob: Did I do something illegal?

Gilbert Huph: [begrudgingly] No.

Bob: Are you saying we shouldn't help our customers?

Gilbert Huph: [pacing back and forth] The law requires that I answer no.

Bob: We're supposed to help people!

Gilbert Huph: We're supposed to help *our* people! Starting with our stockholders, Bob! Who's helping them out, Huh?

Gilbert Huph: Parr! You authorized payment on the Walker policy?

Bob: Somebody broke into their house, Mr. Huph. Their policy clearly covers them against...

Gilbert Huph: I don't care about their coverage, Bob! Don't tell me about their coverage! Tell me how you're keeping Insuricare in the black! Tell me how that's *possible* with you writing checks to every Harry Hardluck and Sally Sobstory that gives you a phone call!

Helen: I love you, but if we're going to make this work, you have to be more than Mr. Incredible. You know that, don't you?

Priest: ...so long as you both shall live?

Bob: I do.

Helen: I'm calling to celebrate a momentous occasion. We are now *officially* moved in.

Bob: That's great, honey. And the last three years don't count because...

Helen: Because I finally unpacked the last box. Now it's official! Ha ha ha! Why do we have so much junk?

Bob: Want to catch a robber?

Lucius: No. To tell you the truth, I'd rather go bowling. Look, what if we actually did what our wives think we're doing... just to shake things up?

Oliver Sansweet's Lawyer: Mr. Sansweet didn't ask to be saved. Mr. Sansweet didn't want to be saved. And the injuries received from Mr. Incredible's so-called "actions" cause him daily pain.

Bob: [lunging towards Sansweet] Hey, I saved your life!

Oliver Sansweet: You didn't save my life, you ruined my death, that's what you did!

Gilbert Huph: [in Huph's office] You know, Bob... a company...

Bob: Is like an enormous clock.

Gilbert Huph: ...Is like an enormous cl... Yes, precisely. It only works if all the little cogs mesh together. A clock must be clean, well lubricated, and wound tight.

Bob: Someone was in trouble...

Rick Dicker: Someone's always in trouble.

Bob: I had to do *something*...

Rick Dicker: Yeah. Every time you say that, Bob, it means a month-and-a-half of trouble for me, and thousands of dollars of taxpayer money. We have to pay to keep the company quiet, pay damages, erase memories, relocate your family. Every single time it gets harder. Money, money, money money money... We can't keep doing this, Bob! We appreciate what you did in the old days, but those days are over. From now on, you're on your own.

[repeated line]

Bob: Showtime.

Dash: She would be eating if we were having Tony loaf.

Violet: That's it!

[jumps at Dash]

Helen: Both of you sit down!

[Dash runs around the table, hitting Violet as he passes her, until Violet makes a force field to stop him]

Dash: Hey! No force fields!

Violet: You started it!

Helen: [grabs Dash and puts him on his seat] You sit down!

[grabs Violet and puts her in her seat]

Helen: You sit down! Violet!

[Dash and Violet run under the table to fight, dragging Helen against the table]

Bob: [reading newspaper in the other room] "Simon J. Paladino, longtime advocate of superhero rights, is missing"... Gazer Beam?...

Bob: Bob! It's time to engage! Do something! Don't just stand there, I need you to... intervene!

Bob: You want me to intervene?

[picks up table]

Bob: Okay, I'm intervening! I'm intervening!

Helen: You're late. When you asked me if I was doing anything later, I didn't realize you'd actually forgotten. I thought it was playful banter.

Bob: It *was* playful banter.

Helen: Cutting it kinda close, don't ya think?

Bob: You need to be more... *flexible.*

Bob: [Speaking softly] Alright, listen closely. I'd like to help you, but I can't.

[handing her a pad and pencil]

Bob: I'd like to tell you to take a copy of your policy to Norma Wilcox on...

[pointing to pad and paper]

Bob: Norma Wilcox, w-i-l-c-o-x on the third floor, but I can't. I also do NOT advise you to file and fill out a WS2475 form of our legal department on the second floor. I would not expect someone to get back to you quickly to resolve the matter. I'd like to help, but there's nothing I can do.

[Standing to exit the cube]

Bob, Mrs. Hogenson: Oh thank you young man.

Bob: Shh, shh, shh.

[shouting]

Bob: I'M SORRY MA'AM, I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET,

[Whispering to her]

Bob: pretend to be upset.

[Mrs. Hogenson, blubbering, leaves the cube]

Helen: [picking something off Bob's shoulder] Is this rubble?

Bob: [mouth is full of a huge piece of cake] It was just a little workout, just to stay loose.

Helen: You know how I feel about that, Bob! Darn you, we can't blow cover again!

Bob: The building was coming down anyway.

Helen: *What*? You knocked down a building?

Bob: It was on fire. Structurally unsound. It was coming down anyway.

Helen: Tell me you haven't been listening to the police scanner again...

Bob: [to Buddy] You're not affiliated with me!

[repeated line]

Bob: Uh-oh.

Lucius: It was fun the first time, but if we keep doing this, we're gonna get...

Bob: [listening to radio] A fire! We're close! Yeah, baby!

Lucius: ...caught.

[the car peels out of the alley]

Bob: Fire! Yeah!

Lucius: What are we doing here, Bob?

Bob: We're protecting people.

Lucius: Nobody asked us.

Bob: You need an invitation?

Lucius: I'd like one, yes. We keep sneaking around, and... You remember Gazer Beam?

Bob: Yeah, there was something about him in the paper.

Lucius: He had trouble adjusting to civilian life too.

Bob: When was the last time you saw him?

Lucius: I don't see anyone from the old days, Bob, just you, and we're pushing our luck as it is.

Bob: Ladies and gentlemen, I, Ranger Bob, cordially invite you to become inmates of Alcatraz, temporarily of course.

Bob: [Hummel and two marines walk up behind him] What's the matter fellas... something with the tour?

General Hummel: Tour's over, Bob!

Bob: What're you doing in my house?

Laserbeak: [shoots him] Just visiting.

Tina: [making out] Shouldn't you be monitoring the weather or something?

Bob: This is L.A... what weather?

Jake: Uh, Bob, about the money for tonight.

Bob: Oh, yeah, $200, and you boys drank $300 worth of beer.

Bob: That ain't no Hank Williams song!

Martin Q. Blank: Do you *really* believe that there's some stored up conflict that exists between us? There *is* no us. *We* don't exist. So who do you wanna hit, man? It's not me. Now whaddya wanna do here, man?

Bob: [Pulls out a folded up piece of paper]

Martin Q. Blank: I don't know what that is.

Bob: These are my words.

Martin Q. Blank: It's a poem? See, that's the problem... express yourself, Bob! Go for it.

Bob: "When I feel... quiet... when... I feel... blue..."

Martin Q. Blank: You know, I think that is *terrific*, what you have right there. Really, I liked it, a lot. I wouldn't sell the dealership or anything but, I'm tellin' ya... it's intense!

Bob: There's... more.

Martin Q. Blank: Okay, would ya mind, just skip to the end.

Bob: To... the very end? "For a while."

Martin Q. Blank: Whew. That's good man.

Bob: "For a while."

Martin Q. Blank: That's excellent!

Bob: You wanna do some blow?

Martin Q. Blank: No I don't.

Bob: [Hugs Martin]

Bob: I'm drawing a complete... Blank.

Bob: Real smart. C'mon. Let's see how smart you are with my foot up your ass!

Bob: You know what, pal? If being overly aggressive and a little bit snippy was a crime, I'd be making a citizen's arrest right now.

Manfred: Why don't you just shut your cocksucker there, dickweed?

Bob: Here's the best case scenario: he's a lonely old man, he wants to waltz, he wants to listen to some of the old songs from his childhood. Worst case scenario: you're getting fucked in the ass.

Bob: Singing was their hobby. Closing ass was their job.

Bob: What the fuck is he doing here?

Evan: It's ok he saved us!

Franklin: Ya he came in here jackin' dicks left and right.

Bob: [about his massage chair] That is the best 2300 bucks I ever spent. I got it at a place called relaxtheback.com. It's like Toys-R-Us for your ass and back.

Bob: When are you gonna take the plunge and knock a few out?

Evan: Well, it's not that simple.

Bob: Well, it's about as simple as putting your dick in a vagina. You know what I mean? Make it happen.

Bob: You died Saturday at 5:00 p.m. The prison doctor confirmed suicide after an overdose of tranquillizers. You're buried in Maisons-Alfort, row 8, plot 30.

Nikita: [looking at pictures of her funeral] Titi... That's Titi!

Bob: I work, let's say, for the government. We've decided to give you another chance.

Nikita: What do I do?

Bob: Learn. Learn to read, walk, talk, smile and even fight. Learn to do everything.

Nikita: What for?

Bob: To serve your country.

Nikita: What if I don't want to?

Bob: Row 8, Plot 30.

Bob: Hey muscles! You don't look so good.

Frank: I feel a little fluey.

Bob: You know what they say; starve a cold, drown the flu. Your body needs fluids now, lots of 'em.

Frank: Is beer fluid?

Bob: Of course it's fluid. What about all that wet stuff in it?

Frank: I thought that was the beer.

Bob: Listen. Why don't you sit her down and tell her that if anything ever happens to you, I will take care of her. Okay? I will raise her, I will nurture her, I will love her, and then when she's sixteen, I'll boot her out the door.

Frank: Sixteen?

Bob: Well, yeah. I not going to mommy her forever, okay? I mean, sixteen, sure.

Maggie: So... you're going to give me this 'chance.' What do I got to do?

Bob: Learn, Maggie. Learn to speak properly; learn to stand up straight for a start. Then languages, computers, and so on. Do something to help your country for a change.

Maggie: What if I'm not interested?

Bob: Row 48, Plot 12.

Bob: [picks up Maggie's album of Nina Simone] Can I take this?

J.P.: Yeah... sure.

J.P.: [pause] You like Nina?

Bob: [after a while] Yeah. I love her.

J.P.: [pause] We'll miss her?

Bob: [gazes at the picture of Maggie on the wall] Yeah. We'll miss her.

Bob: Why do you talk so dirty, Maggie?

Maggie: Why do you talk so faggy, Bob?

[Bob is waiting for Maggie as she returns from an 'assignment']

Bob: How are you?

Maggie: I just blew up a hotel. How the hell do you think I am?

Bob: You stupid ignorant little girl. You think you can just pout and decide that you don't want to play anymore? I mean where do you think you are? Don't you understand anything that I've said?

Maggie: I mean it.

Bob: You don't know what you're talking about.

Maggie: I'm through! I'm out!

Bob: Listen, which word don't you understand? There is no out, there is no through, there is no out!

Bob: You can't just pout and decide you don't want to play anymore.

Bob: He mentioned the word "bullet," and he mentioned the word "brain."

Bob: Ask Me why im so serious

Maggie: Why are you so serious?

Bob: Cos iv'e got serious stuff to tell you Maggie for Margaret.

Bob: He's smiling.

Jim: Is that bad?

Frank: Very.

Cole: Why the hell aren't we the "Younger-James" gang? I mean we got three Younger brothers and two James brothers.

Jim: Well, I kinda like the sound of the "James-Younger" gang.

Cole: Hey Jim, I'll beat the piss out of you right now, now stay out of this.

Bob: Oh, Jimmy's got a point, Cole. The "Younger-James" gang is confusing.

Cole: How's that, Bob?

Bob: Well, say we burst into a bank and we go, "We're the Younger-James gang!" Now people are gonna be thinkin', "The younger James gang? Is there an older James gang? How come we never heard of the older James gang?" So people are tryin' to figure that out instead of raisin' their arms.

Captain Malcolm: Get me the James boy!

Tom: What, Jesse?

Captain Malcolm: No, not Jesse! I want the one that can shoot!

Tom, Cole, Bob: FRANK!

Jesse James: Let's go home, back to our farms.

Cole: Platin' corn, harvesting corn... and eatin' corn.

Bob: The corn gonna shoot at me?

Cole: Nope.

Bob: Then I love it.

Cole: All right, ranchers, let's ride!

Bob: Now I would sound just stupid sayin' something like that.

[first lines]

Cole: Gatling! They got a Gatling gun!

Bob: Goddamn it Cole, this stopped bein' fun about two years ago!

[during the gang's first robbery without Jesse]

Teller: Where's Jesse James?

Cole: This here's the Younger gang, you understand? The Younger gang!

Man: But the Youngers ride with Jesse James.

Bob: Hey! You wanna die?

Jesse James: So we got a plan?

Bob: Yeah, my plan of lying here pissing myself seems to be working mighty fine, thank you!

Bob: [seeing Loni holding something] What's that?

Loni Packwood: This is my lucky rabbit's foot. I took it off that dead fellow over there.

Bob: Yeah, I don't think that one's working, Loni.

Cole: [about Frank] Just because he reads all them books and he knows all them big words don't make him smart!

Bob: Uh, yeah it does.

Jesse James: All right, settle down. Not all this money is ours.

Bob: Uh, well... no Jesse, it's the bank's... see that's why we had to go to all the trouble of stealing it.

Bob: Cole lost his temper.

Frank: Oh no.

Bob: Well, he just lost his temper a little!

Jesse James: How many of 'em did he kill, Bob?

Bob: They arrested Jesse! What have you done?

Cole: What's that, Bob?

Bob: What have you done, Cole?

Cole: I ain't done nothing, Bob.

Bob: Swear it.

[points his gun at Jesse]

Bob: Swear on Jimmy's grave.

Tom: Bob, you know Cole would never do such a thing. He and Jesse are best friends, cousins, blood brothers. Bob...

Bob: [lowers his gun] Sorry, Cole.

[walks away]

Tom: If I find out you had anything to do with what happened to Jesse... I'll kill you myself.

Raoul: Do you remember the 80's?

Bob: No.

Bob: The problem with my game is that luck can fall both ways. Whereas, with your game, luck doesn't enter into it

Bob: We give you Elvis, we give you Dylan, we give you Hendrix, what do you give us? Johnny Hallyday!

Roger: Don't get me started about Johnny Hallyday...

Anne: You look pretty good for a man your age.

Bob: What age is that?

Anne: [laughs] Stone Age...

Bob: It's a good fake, though.

Tony Angel: Isn't that a contradiction in terms? A Good Fake? A Happy Homosexual?

Bob: Do you know what Einstein said about roulette Anne?

Bob: It can only be beaten by a gambler with infinite capital. playing in a game without limits for eternity.

Bob: Why are the French so god-awfully bad at rock 'n' roll?

Roger: What do you mean?

Bob: I mean, look at it. We give you Elvis Presley, Frank Zappa, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan. And you give us Johnny Hallyday.

Croupier: [considering the odds] The house must retire.

Anne: The house sleepy?

Bob: Cash, if you please. Large denominations. And it's getting late.

Roger: Hey, you won, you lunatic.

Bob: It's not about winning, Roger. It's about attitude. Win or lose, you gotta do 'em both with grace.

Roger: You learn that in recovery?

Bob: Change the things you can. Accept the things you can't. And learn the wisdom to know the difference.

Roger: Ah, so, what's the difference between a run of luck and a casino heist?

Bob: I love my job.

Bob: I didn't know you smoked.

Nick: Just after sex, Bob. I'm trying to give it up.

Bob: Well, at least you don't smoke that much.

Nick: About a pack a day.

Bob: That'll kill ya!

Nick: Bob, it won't kill ya. But it will make you very sore.

Bob: Who Are Those Clowns?

Nick: [Nick meets Bob for the first time, after having surprised him while hiding in Bob's garage] That was good. That thing with the cabinets? It was terrific... Nick Pirandello, CIA. And you're Bob Wilson, right? You know, while I was looking around for something to work with - I hope you don't mind me using some of your stuff - anyway, I came across the letters you wrote to your wife before you were married. You're beautiful, Bob. Some of the sentiments blew me away. One question, though: what was that thing that she did in Santa Barbara... that you keep pleading with her to do again? Bet it felt pretty good, huh, Bob?

Bob: [Annoyed] What do you want?

Nick: You've got a sense of humor Bob... I like that in a man.

Bob: What do you like in a woman?

Nick: Big tits.

Bob: What are they trying to do?

Nick: They're trying to kill me. They know I can't afford a loss like that.

Nick: Is my presence here upsetting you, Bob?

Bob: Hell no!

Nick: You sure?

Bob: [Sarcastically] You kidding? Welcome. Nice to see you.

Nick: Yeah? Maybe if I let you hold the gun...

Nick: [Nick holds up his revolver] ... you'd feel more comfortable.

Bob: [Reluctant] Oh, I don't know. Maybe.

Nick: Well, why don't you try?

Bob: Really?

Nick: Yeah.

Bob: Thank you.

Nick: There you go. You're welcome.

Nick: [Nick gives Bob the revolver, then turns and walks away. Bob wildly attempts to shoot Nick in the back with the revolver, only to discover that it isn't loaded] You don't have to test it, Bob. The gun is empty.

Bob: Really?

Nick: [Pulls out a large semiautomatic pistol] THIS one's loaded. You want to be careful with this one, Bob.

Nick: We're as safe here as we are anywhere.

Bob: How safe is that?

Nick: Oh, not very.

Bob: They're gonna shoot at us, aren't they?

Nick: Probably, Bob. It's what they brought the guns for.

Bob: They're destroying my ducks!

Bob: You're kidding! What idiots think up something like that?

Nick: I dunno Bob, I think there's a special department of idiots in the White House who do that.

Bob: [showing a photo of Golgo 13's watchmaking informant] This is the stinking informer who helped Golgo 13, but we, er... took care of him.

Jefferson: Excellent work, Bragan.

Bob: [chuckling] And by the by, sir, we found one.

Jefferson: Hm? What's that?

Bob: A real bloodhound, sir! If this bastard can't get rid of Golgo 13 - then nobody can! The three morons from the company can't come close to him.

Young: Oh, yeah?

Bob: Maybe we should test our respective boys. I mean, what's fair is fair.

Jefferson: [to Laura] I think it'd be wise to come see him.

Bob: [to his driver] STOP THE CAR! Give me that again...

Team D: [on radio] We've found Golgo 13! He's up on the Super Beer sign!

Bob: JESUS H. CHRIST! What the hell is he doing there?

Team D: He's preparing to shoot, sir.

Bob: Impossible! What the fuck is he aiming at? With the USA Building in the way, he can't even see the Hughes Building from that goddamn beer sign!

Team D: Nevertheless, he's definitely making plans to aim at something, and, um, it looks to me like the 48th floor of this USA Building!

Bob: [begins to realize what Golgo 13 is doing] Huh?

Team D: [on radio] Don Hughes has been shot just now! Repeat: Don Hughes has been shot!

Computer 1: [on radio] Sir! I think I found the window you're looking for. From one window, the eighteenth from the right, you can see clear through to the Hughes Building... anything else, sir?

Bob: [growling angrily] GET THE FUCKER NOW!

Bob: Hey boss, can I ask you, uh... can I ask you a dumb question?

Karl: [Condescendingly] Yeees... Let's not break with tradition.

Bob: Hey, you're doing pretty well for a first-timer.

Marlin: Well, you can't hold on to them forever, can you?

Bill: You know I had a tough time when my oldest went out to the drop off.

Marlin: They've just got to grow up som - THE DROP OFF? THEY'RE GOING TO THE DROP OFF? WHAT ARE YOU, INSANE? WHY DON'T WE JUST FRY THEM UP NOW AND SERVE THEM WITH CHIPS?

Bob: Hey Marty, calm down.

Marlin: Don't tell me to be calm, pony boy.

Bob: Pony boy?

Bill: You know for a clownfish, he really isn't that funny.

Ted: Pity.

Sean Brody: What's after Cable Junction?

Bob: The Atlantic. Then Ireland.

Bob: [Eying on Jackie] Ooh, Larry Look. Larry, Look.

Larry Vaughn Jr.: What?

Bob: Look at her.

[pauses]

Bob: Well?

Larry Vaughn Jr.: She's got, tits like a sparrow.

Bob: Do you, have to talk like that?

Larry Vaughn Jr.: [Sarcastically] What are you, my mother? Will you undo, the jib?

[Bob undoes the jib]

Babe: Open up, please. Open this door.

Zootie: You got a problem, sweetie?

Babe: Um... uh...

Bob: Who is it, honey?

Zootie: It's, uh... kind of a baldy, pinky, whitey thingy.

Bob: All I know is what I see. Tug comes in with the bag, just doin' his job, collectin' stuff, and you barge in here accusacating and making demandments.

Thelonius: And what have we here?

Bob: Well, um, we're in a negotiation with this naked, pink individual.

Zootie: He's of foreign extraction, your honor.

Easy: Possibly even an alien.

Bob: Hey, dogs, you got any edibles? Any nibbley-dibbleys?

Flealick: Eh, we got a carpet here with some nice spaghetti stains.

Nigel: But we can't keep licking the carpet, can we, Alan?

Bob: It's all illusory - it's ill, and it's for losers.

Bob: [while drooling over a muscle truck in a showroom] What's its MPG?

Car Salesman: [sneering] Who gives a shit?

Miss Finch: Come on, Big Bird, you don't want to miss your plane.

Maria: Just a minute. Give me a big hug, Big Bird.

[they embrace]

Maria: Don't forget to write.

Big Bird: I won't, Maria.

Count: Don't forget to count, Big Bird!

Big Bird: Okay, Count.

Bob: And don't forget to dress warmly, okay, Big Bird?

Big Bird: I've got my muffler, Bob.

Grover: Don't forget to breathe! In and out!

Big Bird: I always do, Grover.

[Linda signs something to Big Bird]

Big Bird: I'll read every day.

Cookie Monster: Don't forget to eat, Big Bird!

Big Bird: I won't, Cookie Monster.

[Oscar comes slowly out of his trash can]

Big Bird: Well, goodbye, Oscar.

Oscar the Grouch: [surprised] What? Why, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Bob: [over phone] He's at some kind of carnival.

Maria: At a carnival?

Olivia: That fun fair!

Linda: [signs something]

Olivia: We passed that hours ago!

Maria: That's what she just said!

Bob: Now I'm in a conspiracy against *him*.

Bob: Civilization, that's a noble word, but not enough to keep me rotting here.

Bob: I don't need any help, I'll get that scurvy lion myself.

Steve: I don't know, it sounds a little crazy.

Bob: It sounds fucking awesome!

Bob: Now, if you'll just sign right here, Miss...

Consuelo Belmonte: Flanagan.

Bob: Flanagan! That's Irish.

Consuelo Belmonte: Well? I'm Irish. You should be able to tell by my accent... I think.

Bob: [humoring her] Oh, yes... sure. Well, now let's see, that was two rooms that you ordered, Miss...

Consuelo Belmonte: Mulligan.

Silas: [exhausted after futilely chasing after Liz, who has double-crossed him and Bob] Oh! My side!

Bob: I hope it bloody hurts.

Silas: [last line of film] Only when I laugh...

Jill Tozer: I'll work overtime for no overtime.

Bob: You already do.

Bob: [frantically] Victor! I... I need your help.

Victor Frankenstien: Did you see those things? They were like...

Bob: Sea Monkeys! You know how on the package, they're like, in a happy kingdom, and everyone's smiling?

Victor Frankenstien: Yeah?

Bob: They're not like that at all.

Toshiaki: [running up] Victor! I need your help.

Bob: I asked him first!

Toshiaki: My problem bigger!

[pointing behind him]

Toshiaki: [Sounds of thundering footsteps and roaring. Camera pans to show a giant dinosaur-tortoise mutant stomping down the street]

Bob: Yeah, he's right.

Toshiaki: How are we supposed to see an invisible goldfish?

Edgar 'E' Gore: Put your finger in. You can feel it.

Bob: [inserting hand into glass jar of plain water] Ah! It bit me!

Victor Frankenstien: Where's Mr. Rzykruski?

Gym Teacher: All I know is I'll be teaching the class for the rest of the semester.

Elsa Van Helsing: Do you know anything about science?

Gym Teacher: I know more than you do.

Bob: Mr. Rzykruski knew a lot.

Gym Teacher: Well, sometimes knowing too much is the problem.

Victor Frankenstien: What about the science fair?

Gym Teacher: Oh, it's still on, but it will be judged by someone who's not insane: Me!

Bob: You know, I could swear he was looking at you when he said 'The next Bill Gates could be right in this room'.

Mark Zuckerberg: I... I doubt it.

Bob: I showed up late, I don't even know who the speaker was.

Mark Zuckerberg: It was Bill Gates.

Bob: Shit, that makes sense.

Bob: Meow.

Bernadette: Stop flexing your muscles, you big pile of budgie turd. I'm sure your mates will be much more impressed if you just go back to the pub and fuck a couple of pigs on the bar.

Bob: Bernadette, please.

Frank: *Bernadette?* Well I'll be darned. The whole circus is in town. Well I suppose you wanna fuck too do you? Come on Bernadette, come and fuck me. That's it. Come on. Come and fuck me. Come on. Fuck me.

[Bernadette knees Frank in the groin]

Bernadette: There, now you're fucked!

Bernadette: What a nice dog. What's it's name?

Bob: Herpes. If she's good, she'll heal.

Cynthia: Refreshments! Lemonade here - I make!

Bob: That's very nice, darling. Please... go back inside.

Cynthia: Lemonade here - I make! Lemonade for guests.

Bob: No, darling, please.

Cynthia: [snarls viciously and curses in an Asian language] I make chockrit cracker!

Bob: If you don't mind me asking, what kind of cabaret act do you do?

Felicia: We dress up in women's clothes and parade around mouthing the words to other people's songs.

Cynthia: Me perform for you. Me sing!

Bob: No, Cynthia, you no perform. They perform, not you.

[Cynthia shouts viciously in an Asian language]

Bob: [knocks] Can I come in?

Bernadette: Now, there's a gentleman. Of course you can, Bob.

Felicia: [after Tick passes out] Come on, snap out of it. You'll be fine. Come on, love.

Tick: [coming to] Oh...

Bob: That's it, mate. You scared us all for a minute.

Felicia: Just had to have that extra bit of attention, didn't you? Nice one, lovey. Nice one.

Cynthia: Me perform for you. Me dance too.

Bob: My wife used to be in the, uh... entertainment business.

Cynthia: Yeah. You perform here?

Bob: [to Tick, Bernadette, Felicia and Cynthia] Well! A real life "Les Girls" show. Right, this calls for a celebration.

Bob: [to Bernadette] Well, I can't go back to Coober Pedy for a while. I'm not the most popular bloke in the world back there anymore.

Bob: [waking up from a drunken state of unconsciousness] Hello.

Cynthia: Hello!

Bob: Who are you?

Cynthia: I your wife!

Bob: Guess I'll be going home then.

Cynthia: No! You no going! I coming to. I your wife! See?

[shows him a marriage certificate]

Cynthia: I your wife!

Empress Nympho: Say Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?

Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa!

Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.

Josephus: I got a great corkscrew!

Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa!

Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!

Bob: Move that miserable piece of SHIT!

Bob: Hi, I'm Bob I'm the spokesperson for the Coca-Cola company. I'm here today to ask you to continue buying coke. Sure, it's a drink you've been drinking for years, and if you still enjoy it, I'd like to remind you to buy it again sometime soon. It's basically just brown sugar water, we haven't changed the ingredients much lately, so there's nothing new I can tell you about that. We changed the can around a little bit, though. See, the colors here are different there, and we added a polar bear so the kids like us. Coke is very high in sugar and like any high calorie soda it can lead to obesity in children and adults who don't sustain a very healthy diet. So that's it, it's coke. It's very famous, everyone knows it. I'm Bob, I work for coke, and I'm asking you to not stop buying coke. That's all. It's a bit sweet. Thank you.

Bob: Wha - why is there tape on your nose?

Dignan: Exactly!

Dignan: Bob Mapplethorpe, potential get-away driver: go!

Bob: Well, I think there's a real air of mystery about me.

Dignan: Don't complicate it. Your number one strength is you have a car you can provide. Sell yourself! Start over. Ready, go!

Bob: Okay, alright. I'm a risk taker! I'm growin' an entire crop of marijuana plants in my parents back yard! I think that shows...

Dignan: Wait, you're growing an entire crop of marijuana in your back yard?

Bob: Dignan, look. I'm just not very good at this selling-yourself stuff, okay? So, I'm just gonna tell you the truth. I really wanna be a part of this team. And I'm the only one with a car.

Dignan: That's good. That's good. 'Cause that hits me right here.

Bob: Jack, I'm 26 years old, I didn't run away from home.

Abe Henry: I don't mean to offend you, Bob. But your brother's a cocksucker. Does that offend you?

Bob: No, that didn't offend me.

Abe Henry: Good.

Bob: Anthony, I need to talk to you, man... Anthony, I have got to talk to you! Look, I am sorry about this, this seems like a nice soiree, but I have got a family situation. I don't care what you think. I dont care! Tengo una situación con mi familia! Dignan does not want to deal with it, could you please come outside for a minute?

Bob: He looks at me and says, "Bob, just because you're a fuckup doesn't mean you're not my brother."

Bob: I think I know what you've been going through, man, cos I've been through some heavy shit myself. If you feel alone, like nobody in the world cares and nobody in the fucking world gives a shit, then I'm here...

Anthony: ...That was a stop sign man...

Bob: I'm ready to listen, man. If you want, I'll even open up first. I mean, my brother, that's a shit situation y'know, I mean he beats the crap outta me all the time.

Bob: [Bob is arguing with his brother] Bullying son of a bitch!

Future Man: You're calling me a bully? Here's a bully for you!

[punches Bob]

Bob: I'm paying attention.

Dignan: GODDAMNIT! Your not paying attention if you're messin' around with the gun!

'Balance of Power' Host: Who makes more money?

Tara: [buzzes] I do!

'Balance of Power' Host: Who enters Iron Man triathalons every year and wins?

Tara: [buzzes] I do!

'Balance of Power' Host: Who secretly wishes they were married to a hot sexy lesbian?

Tara, Bob: [both buzz at once] I do!

Bob: You sure you don't want to come in, we just opened a bottle of wine.

Sarah: Oh I think I'd rather die, but thank you.

Kate: What about my suitcase, my clothes? Ask him about my vitamins.

Luc: [in French] Her clothes?

Bob: [in French] I gave them to Monique.

Luc: [in French] Monique?

Kate: What? What did he say?

Luc: He... he threw them away.

Bob: [to Walt] Don't you walk away from me!

Walt: All right. Burgers on the house!

[everyone shouts "Yeah!"]

Bob: He's just kiddin', you cheap bastards.

Walt: Hey, Dave. How about another tall one?

Dave: Got it. How about you there, Bob?

Bob: No, no. No, I'm cool. I'm the designated walker tonight.

Walt: Christ Bob, you haven't been laid in five years.

Bob: Hey, how would you know?

[Walt gives him a serious look]

Bob: Damn.

Morty O'Reilly: I'm gonna have to level with you. Siamese twins ain't the easiest sell I've ever had.

Bob: We're not Siamese. We're American.

Walt: What's a four-letter word for snatch?

Bob: Grab.

Walt: Oh... right. Whoopsie.

[from trailer]

Bob: We share a liver.

April: Are you sure you even need a liver?

[Walt and Bob are considering separation]

Walt: Think about it. You'll be able to read a book alone, play golf by yourself,

[whispering]

Walt: masturbate in private like the good Lord intended.

Bob: What are you talking about?

Walt: Oh, please, last night it was like trying to sleep next to a paint-shaker.

Rocket: [Bob is doing a bad job of cooking burgers by himself] Hey Bob, get the lead out of your ass!

Bob: Hey, up yours, Rocket!

Rocket: [sarcastically] Oh, Nice Comeback.

Man in burger bar: [to Rocket] Hey! I ordered diet coke!

Rocket: Enjoy your meal

Man in burger bar: [to Bob] Hey, you shouldn't have freaks in here!

Bob: You know, you're absolutely right, we don't want freaks in here, so Rocket, would you kindly show this freak to the door?

Bob: Hey, I'm alone!

Convenience Store Patron: Great buddy, you're gonna stay that way, too!

Rocket: [Bob is doing a bad job of cooking burgers by himself] Hey Bob, get the lead out of your ass!

Bob: Hey, up yours, Rocket!

Rocket: [sarcastically] Oh, Great Comeback.

Mimmy: Bob, the people at Table 14 are really hungry, where's the food?

Bob: How much time have I got left?

Mimmy: You're already fourteen minutes over!

Bob: Well then, what are they bitching about? They're gonna get a free meal.

Bob: We flew over the Grand Canyon on our way out here.

May: Really?

Bob: Yeah, it's way different from the Vineyard. You know, with the big hole and shit. Um, and it's orange.

Walt: She'll be back. Where else is she gonna find a guy like you?

Bob: I don't know. Chernobyl?

Bob: [to Walt, on the operating table just before the twins are anesthetized for dangerous separation surgery] Promise me you'll still be there when I wake up.

Bob: Hi, how are ya? My name's Bob Tenor but I'm really more of a baritone.

Bar Hottie: Hi Bob.

Stevo: Do you love her?

Bob: I don't know. I'd have to think about that.

Stevo: It's not really a thinking question.

Bob: You're pretty fucking weird you know that?

Stevo: It really makes you think, doesn't it, Bob?

Bob: Think what?

Stevo: That chemistry's the WRONG FUCKING MAJOR FOR A GUY LIKE YOU. It's the wrong major, Bob.

Bob: Well you shoud still lay off the acid.

Bob: You know that shit you guys do? You're fucking yourself up man. Fucking acid. Acid; it never leaves your body. It's in your fucking spinal cord forever. Let me tell you something about the nature of chemicals man: You know that dude Napoleon? Yeah. Uh, he was banished to an island when the French got sick of him. That's right. He supposedly died of stomach problems, right? wrong! He was actually poisoned over a long period of time. Murdered by arsenic; a preservative. And you know how?

Stevo: No idea.

Bob: His hair.

Stevo: His hair?

Bob: His fucking hair. It was arsenic. You could tell how long he was being poisoned by following the traces of poison up his hair. Dude, dude, dude, if you do enough hits of it you're dead!

Stevo: It really makes you think, doesn't it Bob?

Bob: Think? Think what?

Stevo: That chemistry's the wrong fucking major for a guy like you. It's the wrong major, Bob!

Bob: Well you should lay off the acid anyways man.

Liquor Store Man: What the hell are you?

Stevo: ooo, we come from the east in search of the Messiah! We followed that big star

[points upwards]

Eddie: Yeah, we bring gold, and frankincense.

Stevo: [Still pointing upwards] You see it?

Eddie: and myrrh.

Stevo, Eddie: Myrrh.

Liquor Store Man: You do what?

Stevo: Followed the star.

Liquor Store Man: Oh my God. Who let you boys out of the state institute? We'd better get you boys back in the hospital.

Bob: No, no, no, no, no, it's all right, man. We're from England.

Liquor Store Man: England?

Bob: Yeah, that's right. That's probably why we seem so weird to you, man.

Liquor Store Man: England, huh? Well that explains it I guess.

Bob: Hey Eddie, do you like this music?

Eddie: Yeah. It rocks!

Bob: Well I think this music's for posers.

Eddie: [brief pause] Well i think you're a fag.

Stevo: FAG!

Bob: So, you see any land around here?

Sean: Nope, just water.

Bob: Sean, what are you doin' outside man?

Sean: you're him?

Bob: ...yeah... I'm him

Sean: [claps hands together] JESUS! Have i sinned or am i goin' to heaven?

Bob: [laughing] you're fryin' man, how much acid did you take?

Sean: you're not Jesus... you're Bob

Bob: I'm Bob!... how goes it?

Sean: how are you doin' that?

Bob: doin' what?

Sean: walkin' on water? if i get off this chair I'll drown, you wanna know what Bob? 'Cause i cant swim!

Bob: oh, i get it! so Sean, d'you see land anywhere?

Sean: [looking around] no... just water... say Bob, You ARE Jesus.

Bob: Thats Right, I am, why do you ask?

Sean: ...Satan, is in the house, he killed my Mom and turned her into a bull!

Cops: [after flashback to a scene with Sean threatening his mother with a knife but being scared by Satan and a bull, his mother]

[bob waves to Seans mum at the window who reluctantly waves back]

Cops: [the Cops pull in] Put your hands in the air and slowly turn around!

Sean: [happy as happy can be] I'M SAVED

Bob: yeah... sure Sean... you're saved...

Bob: You know that shit you guys do? You're fucking yourselves up man. Fucking acid, acid, it never leaves the body. It's in your fucking spinal cord forever.

Bob: Chemicals man, they'll fuck you up.

Stevo: [to Mark who is leaving Salt Lake City] If you ever get lonely, if you ever need someone to talk to... Bob's here for you.

Mark: Hey Stevo.

[good naturedly]

Mark: Fuck you.

Stevo, Bob: Noooo. Fuuuccckkkk yooouuuuuuu.

Sean: No, you're not Jesus, you're Bob!

Bob: I'm Bob!

Bob: Fuck you!

Stevo: No, fuck yourself. You'd get more pussy.

Bob: [about his Republican son] Steffi, bring down a copy of my will... and an eraser. Okay?

Bob: I never believed in God. No, I didn't even as a little kid. I remember this. I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.

Bob: Frieda, this pasta doesn't have any sauce

Frieda: It's Bavarian pasta, it doesn't need sauce. The Italians need sauce. The Italians were weak!

Laura: [singing] I'm through with love, I'll never fall again!

Steffi: What are you talking about? You're only 14!

Bob: [singing] I'm through with love, I'll never fall again.

Steffi: What are *you* singing about? You're not in love with Holden!

Bob: No, I'm fine, I'm fine! As long as I don't move my eyeballs.

Bob: How are you going to go out with this man? You can't get behind him. He won't let you! You try to scratch his back, he'll knife you!

Steffi: [Sitting in the funeral parlor] What's it all about? I ean, what - what are we doing? We're rushing... we're rushing...

Bob: Th-that's right.

Steffi: Where are we going?

Laura: [Commenting as a sidebar to Lane about their parents] They're so old.

Steffi: ...into the void.

Bob: That's it. The void is it? You know, I never believed in God!

Steffi: Oh.

Bob: No, I didn't... not even asa little kid. I used - I used to think - I remember this - I used to think even if he exists, he's done such a terrible job!

Lane: [Reprovingly] Dad!

Bob: It's a wonder people don't file a class action suit against him.

Bob: I can't believe I'm having this conversation with my own son, my flesh and blood. I can't believe it. Unless some large Republican pea pods are in the basement and have taken over your body.

Brooke Swinkowski: [riding away on her bicycle] Fuck you, Bob.

Bob: No. Thank you. We have plenty of steak knives.

Brooke Swinkowski: [writhing around] You're the only man that cares about me.

Bob: That's not true. I'm sure there's plenty of men who like you. Your father cares about you, right?

Brooke Swinkowski: [into his ear] My father raped me.

Bob: Oh my God!

Brooke Swinkowski: [breathlessly] I just, I need someone to take care of me. Someone who understands me, someone who will love me.

[starting stripping]

Brooke Swinkowski: Not just someone to pay my rent - which by the way, comes to $560 a month, plus utilities.

Laura Pickler: You're sleeping on the couch tonight.

Bob: I sleep on the couch *every* night.

Bob: My wife controls the checkbook.

Brooke Swinkowski: Your wife, Bob? I can't believe you're gonna let your wife come between us? I thought you had morals.

Molly: [playing charades, acting like a shark]

Brenda: Paws!

Valerie: Laws!

Eggbert: Jizz!

Teddy: Jews!

Bob: Time's up.

Molly: Jaws. I was doing Jaws.

Joel: [at dinner party] So, uh, Molly...

Molly: Listen, before you ask me anymore questions from the Icebreaker Handbook, here's the 411: Upper Sweet Side NYC. Does the name ring a bell?

Joel: Yeah. Little candy shop?

Molly: Ding ding ding! Give the man a prize, he's a winner! What does he want Johnny? A new car! Yes, that is my store and I put my whole life into it.

Joel: I had no idea.

Molly: The only line you care about is the bottom line. Are you the kind of person I feel a strong connection to? Yes. Do I find you cute and funny? Yes. Could you be the guy that I fall for and live with forever? Yes, but the point is you're a corporate robot. And so it is with great pleasure that I say to you, go jump in a lake, meathead!

[chucks water in his face and storms off, everyone gasps]

Joel: Molly. Wait, Molly!... Shit.

[awkward silence]

Joel: I'll have what she's having, heh.

Bob: ...You are having what she's having. It's all the same food; the pasta and the beans and the lentils.

Bob: You take the rubber johnny out of the packet-...

Sue: You didn't think we thought you could put packet on, did ya?

Bob: Well, things haven't been going so good with me and the wife.

Rita: Tell us another one!

[to Michelle, during an argument]

Bob: When we have sex, it feels like shagging a bag of spuds - you lay there like a bit of wet rag.

Michelle: [while ironing Bobs trousers Sue finds a packet of condoms inside his pocket] What the bloody hell are you doin' with a packet of these?

Bob: Me and Joe were havin' a laugh with 'em in the pub. We were blowin' 'em up!

Michelle: I'm sorry to tell ya but I don't believe yer.

Bob: Well go and see Joe and ask him yer self then.

Michelle: [while tossing the packet at him] Yer a lyin' bastard, you've been arsin' around again.

Bob: Don't be silly!

Michelle: What's the matter, do you think I'm thick? I know you've been pissin' about.

Bob: How do you know anythin'?

Michelle: Staying out 'til all hours in the morning and making stupid excuses!

Bob: So what?

Michelle: I bet it was that dirty little bitch you was screwing before. The trouble with you Bob is you're sex mad.

Bob: Ah don't be daft woman.

Bob: I had every intention into seeing this marrage through. I'm gonna tell ya something, Ruth... Life is made up of assets and liabilies. As a man I have four basic assets: *one*, a home, that is my castle; *two*, a family, that is loving and devoted; *three*, a successful career that I worked very hard to maintain; and *four*, the freedom to enjoy the fruits of my labor. But when it comes to liabillities, I have only one.

[shouts]

Bob: Thats you, Ruth! And I'm not gonna let you ruin everything

[yells]

Bob: I've worked so hard for! You're a bad mother, a lousy wife, and a terrible cook! In fact, have you looked in a *mirror* recently? I don't even you're a woman. You know what you are? You're a *she-devil*!

Bob: [to Ruth] I've always been totally honest with you.

Bob: [to Ruth] What's going on between me and Mary is purely professional.

Bob: God damn it! Rose!

[Mary has stormed out of the car after discovering that he's been sleeping with Olivia]

Bob: Mary! You know you're the only woman I've ever been faithful to?

Bob: Okay Ruth, I'll give you a few days, then you've got to come back for the kids. Where can I reach you?

Ruth: I'm not coming back, Bob, they'll have a much better life here with you.

Bob: Wait a minute, Ruth, where're you going?

Ruth: I don't know, Bob, into my future I guess.

Bob: [discussing the problem of the pond] So there's really just the one option.

Reverend Walter Goodfellow: Yes, there's, um, just the one option.

Gloria Goodfellow: Which is?

Bob: Drain it.

Gloria Goodfellow: Drain it.

[pauses]

Gloria Goodfellow: Shall I put the kettle on?

Peter: Look at her.

Bob: Holy smoke! She looks like a nice girl.

Doctor Frank Reeves: She is a nice girl.

Bob: Hardly your type, Skip.

Peter: I've fallen in love with her. Her accent is foreign, but it sounds sweet to me. We were born thousands of miles apart, but we were made for each other.

[Peter Tilson asks Cheaver and the soldiers what are they doing over there overseas]

Peter Tilson: What do you really think we're fighting for? What are you doing over there?

Fred Cheaver: Honestly, we're just trying to stay alive.

Bob: Stay alive?

Peter Tilson: I bet that's not so easy.

Bob: Stay alive. Jesus Christ. If that's your attitude no wonder we're losing.

Vernon: What's up?

Marybeth: Hi.

Vernon: I'm Vernon.

Marybeth: Marybeth.

Vernon: What you doing out here in this bullshit?

Marybeth: I'm not looking for a date, I can tell you that much.

Vernon: Ooh, no disrespect. I'm just trying to be friendly.

Marybeth: I'm sorry. I'm just having a really bad day.

Vernon: Well, what you need to do is turn that frown upside-down.

[plays with Marybeth's face]

Vernon: "Aw, thanks, Vernon. Make out with me." What? On this boat in front of all of these people? "Yeah."

Bob: [smacks Vernon's hand] Don't.

Bob: [to Victor] Come on, you hatchet-faced fuck!

Bob: Coffee and cigarettes. That's like the breakfast of champions.

Inga Gunther: [about to open a jar of ants] prepare to be consumed, Martha Alston! PREPARE TO BE... oh, God! They're dead. Bob?

Bob: They are?

Inga Gunther: Yes, didn't you feed them?

Bob: i thought you said you wanted them hungry?

Inga Gunther: HUNGRY, Bob! Not DEAD! Now what are we gonna do?

Martha: We could re-schedule, like, you know, next Tuesday is good for me.

Inga Gunther: Dream on, little beauty!

Bob: This young lady owes me for a taxi cab ride. I came here to collect it, she asked me up to this room, I heard her scream, and... walked into the middle of an Orson Welles broadcast.

Sgt. Roberts: Why did you kill her?

Cosmo Topper: I didn't!

Sgt. Roberts: That's only ONE man's opinion.

Cosmo Topper: I can prove it.

Sgt. Roberts: How?

Cosmo Topper: Leave me alone in that room for a minute.

Sgt. Roberts: Ho-ho, I'm not THAT dumb.

Bob: Well, that's only one man's opinion, too.

Bob: What's going on here? Who's that guy in the black coat? What happened to her? Who are you?

Lillian: I'm the housekeeper!

Bob: Fine way to keep house. Women screaming. Bogeymen jumping out of windows. If I had a house like this, I wouldn't want to keep it.

Bob: I think we should go to Paris. We'll be surrounded by rude French people. It should bring us closer.

Dr. Rechtin: Well, because of the demo today, we washed it down last night. The water must've fogged the electronics.

Frank Stryker: Well, first it's the air conditioning; now it's the water. I mean: are you guys pulling my tit or what?

Bob: Washing it was sheer stupidity!

Luckup Computer Tech: Should do great tomorrow.

Frank Stryker: TOMORROW?

Luckup Computer Tech: After it dries.

Frank Stryker: There is no tomorrow, you assholes! Haven't ya ever heard of RAIN?

Bob: Dungeons and Dragons just seems like a bunch of people, ya know, taking on imaginary roles...

Wilbur: It's party time!

[pulls out a stash of weed]

Lisa Dubois: What is that?

Andy: Colombian?

Bob: Jamaican?

Lisa Dubois: Swiss?

Wilbur: Only the best... New Jersey.

Bob: What exit?

Bob: [Telling a story while smoking a joint] She says "three inches". So I said "Yeah. From the FLOOR!"

[while listening to the Eradicators perform during a school dance]

Whitney: That band is playing the strangest music. Who hired them?

Bob: You did, sweetums.

[from trailer]

Bob: [to Arush] Your wife is like my sister, you are leaving your wife, so now I can go after your wife who is my sister...

Bob: In the chocolate box of life the top layer's already gone. And someone's pinched the orange creme from the bottom.

Terry Collier: Bloody hell.

Terry Collier: Back in time for a drink, watch the box this afternoon - that's what a weekend should be - sport, sleep, slippers and sex.

Bob: Not necessarily in that order.

Bob: Did Thelma call?

Terry Collier: No.

Bob: Are you sure?

Terry Collier: We don't have a phone.

Terry Collier: That's just one of life's bitter ironies Bob.

Bob: I suffer a lot from those.

Bob: When it comes to women you're hardly Omar Sharif.

Terry Collier: If Omar Sharif lived in Gateshead I doubt he'd be Omar Sharif.

Bob: I bet we could go right round the world and you'd have a pat response ready.

Terry Collier: I've travelled man, I've seen a bit of the world now you know.

Bob: What do you think of Koreans, for instance?

Terry Collier: Not to be trusted. Cruel people. Much the same as all Orientals.

Bob: That's a third of the world's population dismissed in a phrase. Russians?

Terry Collier: Sinister.

Bob: Egyptians?

Terry Collier: Cowardly.

Bob: Oh? I thought you might have saved that for Italians.

Terry Collier: No, no, they're greasy aren't they? Not as greasy as the French mind.

Bob: Germans?

Terry Collier: Arrogant.

Bob: Spaniards?

Terry Collier: Lazy.

Bob: Danes?

Terry Collier: Pornographic.

Bob: Well that's just about everyone. Oh, Americans?

Terry Collier: Well, they're flash aren't they?

Bob: So it's just down to the British, is it?

Terry Collier: Well, I haven't got much time for the Irish or the Welsh, and the Scots are worse than the Koreans.

Bob: And you never could stand Southerners.

Terry Collier: To tell you the truth I don't like anybody much outside this town. And there's a lot of families in our street I can't stand either. Come to think of it, I don't even like the people next door.

Bob: I see, so from the distant blue Pacific through the barren wastes of Manchuria, to 127 Inkerman Terrace, you can't abide anyone.

Bob: I think I'm going through what psychiatrists call an identity crisis.

Thelma: Is that what Alan Pooley had?

Bob: I think Alan just liked dressing up in women's clothes.

Thelma: She must have quite a hold on Terry.

Bob: Probably at this very moment.

Thelma: Maybe we should invite Chris and Terry to badminton club.

Thelma: I know the city is a bit grey but outside we're surrounded by breathtaking grandeur, aren't we Bob?

Bob: Oh yes, breathtaking.

Bob: These streets are ugly, but they have a kind of beauty.

Terry Collier: Working class sentiment is the indulgence of working peopled created through football and rock-and-roll or people like you who moved out to the elm lodge housing estate at the earliest opportunity.

Bob: Well I didn't want my kids growing up in these streets.

Bob: Nobody cares, nobody's moved by the occasion.

Terry Collier: Residents are, moved to a highrise.

Bob: Of course you always had an irresistible sexual magnetism.

Terry Collier: True but its not just that.

Bob: What is it then, I'm dying to know!

Terry Collier: Well once I've got them up here, there's no way they're going to risk leavin this dodgy area after dark.

Bob: I'm going through a very depressed state recently, I think we should talk it through.

Thelma: Oh Bob, we've got so much to get done, can't we talk about if later over a cup of tea, it'll keep won't it.

Bob: Of course, its not important Thelma, I'm only questioning the validity of my entire life.

Terry Collier: You kicked it up there!

Bob: Not on purpose, was only making a strong clearance.

Fireman: We've got better things to do with taxpayers money.

Bob: I'm sorry, when I get to the top I just lost me nerve.

Terry Collier: Keeps your hand in doesn't it, better than polishing your bell up all afternoon.

Bob: Mind you my wife isn't really with me.

Terry Collier: In town though.

Bob: Out of sight, out of mind.

Terry Collier: Good thinking Bob.

Christina: You are so tired, I put you up.

Bob: You've put up with me long enough.

Christina: I not mean with, I up-put you.

Bob: I don't want to put you out.

Christina: I not put out, you are nice person, you come to bed and I put you up.

Ralph Willum: What's the Bob motto?

Bob: If God had...

Ralph Willum: I can't hear you!

Bob: If GOD had wanted me to be like normal people, he would have made me look like normal people...

Bob: Are you in to Wizards and shit?

Beth: He lusted after me, but I had to spurn his advances, because he's a himbo.

Bob: A what?

Beth: A male slut.

Bob: And you are - -?

Beth: Not a male slut!

Brendan: As they say, if you can't fall in love with your best friend, who can you fall in love with?

Bob: Who said that?

Brendan: Me.

Sarah: Where to now?

Bob: Oohh, Friday night Trax.

Sarah: Aw, no...

Eric: Bob, Sarah's, like, totally fag bashing.

Sarah: I'm so not fag bashing. Every time we went in college, I was the only woman.

Bob: No, Trax is mixed on Friday nights.

Sarah: Yea, gays AND lesbians.

Beth: Lesbians? Oooh, let's away...

Bob: You're terrible.

Sterling Scott: I'm just written that way.

Beth: Who cares? You've got Sterling, and that's a pretty great consolation prize.

Bob: Yeah, I know... but... sometimes, even with Sterling, I feel like I want to go for a brand new car.

Beth: One more chance at the Showcase Showdown of luuuve.

Bob: You know... give the big wheel one more spin... to see if for once I'm... lucky... and not just practical.

Beth: Bob?

Bob: Yeah?

Beth: I'd go for practical.

Bob: Really?

Beth: [nodding] I always tend to over bid in the first round.

Bob: You missed the whole play.

Cindy Wegman: I did?

Bob: Yeah.

Cindy Wegman: The credits rollin'?

Major Marquis Warren: Lot of hats, Senior Bob.

Bob: Huh?

Major Marquis Warren: Considering Minnie's "no hats indoors policy", which if I remember correctly was one of them bar "iron rules". The kind of rule she'd want kept up in her absence. You seem to have a laissez-faire attitude when it comes to the hats.

Bob: I'm guilty, I have a laissez-faire attitude about the hats. How about we forget about the hats today, considering there's a blizzard going on? And make tomorrow no hat day!

Major Marquis Warren: My theory is you're working with the man who poisoned the coffee. And both'a y'all murdered Minnie, Sweet Dave, and whoever else picked this bad-luck day to visit Minnie's Haberdashery this morning. And at some point, y'all intended to bushwhack John Ruth and free Daisy. But you didn't count on the blizzard, and you didn't count on the two of us.

[indicating Chris Mannix and himself]

Major Marquis Warren: That's as far as I got. How am I doin'?

Bob: [laughs] You're a real imaginative nigger, ain't you? So, do you intend to murder me based on a far-fetched nigger theory, or can you prove it, cabrón?

Major Marquis Warren: [laughs] It ain't so far-fetched, Senor Bob, and it's a little more than a theory.

Bob: I just put those other horses away! You want it done fast, you need to help.

John 'The Hangman' Ruth: I've got two of my best men on it.

[curtains in the stagecoach behind Bob roll up to reveal Warren and Mannix]

Major Marquis Warren: [to Joe Gage, Bob and Oswaldo] It's the stew that's got me thinking.

[to Bob]

Major Marquis Warren: Now how long did you say Minnie's been gone, a week?

Bob: Si.

Major Marquis Warren: You see, my mama used to make stew and it always tasted the same, no matter to me. There was another fella on the plantation, Uncle Charley, he made stew, too. And like my mama, I ate his stew from the time I was a whipper 'till I was a full-grown man. And no matter to me, it always tasted like Uncle Charley's stew.

[pause]

Major Marquis Warren: Now I ain't had Minnie's stew in like six months, so I ain't no expert...

[Warren points towards the pot of stew]

Major Marquis Warren: But that damn sure is Minnie's stew. So if Minnie is on the northside just visiting her mama for a week, how'd she make the stew this morning? And this...

[Warren touches Sweet Dave's chair]

Major Marquis Warren: This is Sweet Dave's chair. When I sat in it earlier, I couldn't believe it. Nobody sits in Sweet Dave's chair. This may be Minnie's place, but this is damn sure Sweet Dave's chair. And if he went to the northside, I'm pretty goddamned sure this chair'd be going with him.

[Warren starts taking the blankets and skins off of the top of the chair, revealing a huge blood stain soaked underneath]

Sheriff Chris Mannix: [to Warren] What's in the chair?

Major Marquis Warren: Just what I thought. Sweet Dave's goddamn blood!

Bob: Are you actually accusing me of murder?

Major Marquis Warren: [chuckles] The way I see it, Senior Bob, is whoever is working with her...

[referring to Daisy]

Major Marquis Warren: ... ain't who they say they is, and if it's you, then Minnie and her man ain't at her mama's. They laying out back there dead somewhere.

[to Oswaldo]

Major Marquis Warren: Or if it's you, little British man, the real Oswaldo Mobray's laying in a ditch somewhere and you're just an English fella passin' off his papers.

Sheriff Chris Mannix: Or we go by my theory which is the ugliest guy did it...

[turns to Joe Gage and points his gun at him]

Sheriff Chris Mannix: ... which makes it you, Joe Gage!

Major Marquis Warren: [interrogating Bob about Minnie's whereabouts] How long did you say you was working with Minnie?

Bob: Four months...

Major Marquis Warren: Hmm. See, if you would have been here two and a half years ago, you'd know about that sign that used to hang up over the bar. Minnie ever mention that to you?

Bob: No.

Major Marquis Warren: You wanna know what that sign said, Senior Bob? "No Dogs or Mexicans Allowed." Minnie hung that sign up the day she opened this haberdashery, and it hung over that bar every day until she took it down a little over two years ago. Know why she took it down? She started letting in dogs. Now Minnie like just about everybody, but she sure don't like Mexicans. So when you tell me Minnie went to the northside to visit her mama, well, I find that highly unlikely. But okay, maybe...

[pause]

Major Marquis Warren: But when you tell me Minnie Mink took the haberdashery, the most precious thing to her in the whole world, and left it in the hands of a goddamn Mexican? Well, that's what I meant in the barn when I said that sure don't sound like Minnie. Now I am calling you a liar, Senor Bob...

[pause]

Major Marquis Warren: And if you're lying, which you are, then you killed Minnie...

[Warren suddenly shoots Bob in the chest]

Major Marquis Warren: And Sweet Dave!

[Warren shoots Bob again. Bob falls to the floor dead. Warren walks over to Bob's body with his two guns and shoots his head off]

Major Marquis Warren: Two measly bullets and there goes Senor Bob!

[Hartigan is on his way to go save a girl from a rapist]

Bob: I'm gonna get on the horn and wait for back-up. We're gonna wait for back-up!

John Hartigan: Sure, Bob. You'll call for back-up. And we'll sit on our hands while that Roark brat gets his sick thrills from victim number four. Victim number four! Nancy Callahan. Age 11. She'll be raped and slashed to ribbons. And that back-up we're waiting on will just happen to show up late enough to let Roark get back home to his U.S. Senator daddy and everything will be fine until Junior gets the itch again.

Bob: Take a deep breath, Hartigan. Settle down and think straight. You're pushing 60. You've got a bum ticker. You're not saving anybody.

John Hartigan: You've got a great attitude, Bob. You're a great cop. A real credit to the force, you are.

Bob: Eileen's home waiting for you. Think about Eileen.

John Hartigan: Heck, Bob. Maybe you're right.

Bob: I'm glad to hear you're finally talking sense!

[Hartigan punches Bob in the face]

John Hartigan: [narrating] Hell of a way to end a partnership. Hell of a way to start my retirement.

Bob: [Bob is waiting outside the city prison after Hartigan's release] It's a lotta miles into town, Hartigan. You care for a ride?

John Hartigan: Long as you stay in front of me.

Bob: Prison's made you paranoid. Talk about water under the bridge. Christ.

[he takes a drag on his cigarette]

Bob: Eight years.

John Hartigan: [softly] Yeah. Eight years.

Bob: Well, if it's any consolation to ya...

[he takes another drag]

Bob: ... you made me hate myself.

Bob: There are some sins that you commit that you can't come back from, you know, no matter how hard you try. You just can't. It's like the devil is waiting for your body to quit. Because he knows, he knows that he already owns your soul. And then I think maybe there's no devil. You die... and God, he says, Nah, nah you can't come in. You have to leave now. You have to leave and go away and you have to be alone. You have to be alone forever.

Bob: Fucking punk. Go out to dinner dressed like you're still in you living room! You wear those big hippity-hoppity clown shoes! You speak to women terribly! You treat then despicably! You hurt harmless dogs that can't defend themselves! I'm tired of you man. I'm tired of you. You embarrass me! You know, he would have kept coming back. That's what he would have done. People like this, you let them take something from you, they just act like... and they keep coming back and you still owe them and they never, never change. You can never change their mind!

Nadia: Hey... you just... I mean, you just fucking shot him.

Bob: Yes, I did. Absolutely. He was going to hurt our dog.

Nadia: Bob?

Bob: Hum?

Nadia: Can I... can I go now?

Bob: Yeah, yeah, of course. You can.

Nadia: So you... you'll let me go?

Bob: Sure, sure. Why not? And, and nobody will ever hurt you again. Okay? This is done. Okay? You got your stuff? Go on now.

Nadia: But now... now you'll think I'll talk. I won't talk Bob.

Bob: I know you won't.

Nadia: I promise. I won't.

Bob: Nadia, you can't. Not with these people. They won't...

Nadia: Your people Bob.

Bob: No, they're not my... I'm not them. And I'm not THIS.

Nadia: You just... I mean, you just fucking shot him.

Bob: Yes, I did. Absolutely. He was gonna hurt our dog.

Bob: Are you doing something desperate? Something we can't clean up this time?

Bob: Biggest day in the world tomorrow, I can't get you on the phone.

Cousin Marv: Oh yeah, yeah I forgot to tell you, I don't feel good... so I'm not coming in. Call the BarTemps.

Bob: I did already. Super Bowl. We always use them.

Cousin Marv: So what you need me for?

Bob: I don't. But... you're blowing off the biggest tip day of the year.

Cousin Marv: What, I work for tips now?

[pauses]

Cousin Marv: You ever go to the front of the bar and take a look at the sign on the bar? Whose name is on it? That's my name. 'Cause I used to own it once.

Bob: Yeah, you been playing that flute for a long time now.

Cousin Marv: And you've been awfully fresh since you got that dog you mistake for a kid.

Bob: Marv, you can't redo it. All right? They pressed, you blinked. It's done. It's over. It's been over for a while now.

Cousin Marv: Well, I'm not the guy who wasted his entire life waiting for it to start.

Bob: I did that?

Cousin Marv: At least I had something once. I was respected. I was feared! When I walked into a place, people sat up. They sat up straight. They noticed! What'd you ever have?

Cousin Marv: And the fucking bar stool you put that old biddy at! You bought her free drinks and don't you think I know you did it on purpose? That was my stool, and nobody sat on that stool because it was cousin Marv's stool! And that meant something! That meant something!

Bob: But it didn't. Ever. It was just a stool.

Bob: I shot him in the face, twice. Then I wrapped his head in a towel, and I stabbed him in the chest in his heart, so he would bleed out, and I put him in my bathtub and watched him drain. Then I put him in an oil tank with laundry detergent and lye, and I sealed it back up.

[last lines]

Nadia: Let me go and get my jacket.

Bob: Yeah? Sure, great. Great.

Cousin Marv: "Find my money." If we knew where their money was, it would mean we knew who robbed us. Which would mean we were in on it, which means they'd shoot us in the face. These fucking Chechnyans.

Bob: Chechens, Marv.

Cousin Marv: What?

Bob: They're Chechens. They're from Chechnya, but you call them Chechens.

Cousin Marv: Yeah, they're from Chechnya.

Bob: Yeah, I said that. You don't call people from Ireland Irelandians, do you?

Bob: [on looking after his new puppy] I mean, it's a huge responsibility, right?

Cousin Marv: Well, it's a dog. It's not like some long lost retarded relative shows up at your door in a wheelchair and a colostomy bag hanging out of his ass. Says "I'm yours now. Take care of me." It's not that. It's a dog.

Bob: Yeah, Marv thought he was a tough guy. We had a crew once. Back in the day, when we was young, we made a little money but it was never, you know... So a mean crew rolls into town, and, you know... we flinched. That's it. End of the crew.

Nadia: But you're still in the life.

Bob: Me?

Nadia: Yeah.

Bob: No. No. No, no, no. No, I just tend the bar.

Eric Deeds: I killed Richie Whelan, all right?

Bob: Sure you did.

[shoots Eric Deeds]

Bob: Listen here pal, you can't come walking into people's lives and...

Eric Deeds: Listen to me. That is life. That's what it is. People, like me, coming along where you're not looking.

Bob: Some fuckin' day, Marv.

Cousin Marv: Yeah, some fuckin' day!

Bob: It's my dog. You beat him.

Eric Deeds: I'll tell the cops you did it.

Bob: What do you want?

Eric Deeds: It's kinda sunny, right?

Eric Deeds: [takes one of Bob's umbrellas and observes it] But you never know, I guess.

[leaves]

[first lines]

Bob: [narrating] There are places in my neighborhood no one ever thinks about. You see them every day and every day you forget about them. These are the places where all the things happen that people are *not* allowed to see. You see, in Brooklyn, money changes hands all night long. It's just not the kind you can deposit in a bank. All that money needs to end up somewhere. They call it a drop bar. A bar the bosses choose randomly each night to be the safe for an entire city. You never know up front when *your* bar becomes the drop bar. You just take all the city's dirtiest money and bag men come and go from all over town and nobody ever sees it coming. Nobody ever sees it going. And then they could tell you to be the drop bar next week. Or maybe even next year.

Bob: The point is, you never know. In the meantime, me, I just tend bar. And wait.

Nadia: He killed a kid named "glory days."

Bob: Yeah. I heard that. Yeah, I heard that. Richie Whelan. And... Why?

Nadia: I don't know. He's not a big fan of "why," Eric.

Bob: Most people don't know how they're gonna feel from one moment to the next. But a dope fiend has a pretty good idea. All you gotta do is look at the labels on the little bottles.

Bob: Well, to begin with, nobody, and I mean nobody, can talk a junkie out of using. You can talk to 'em for years but sooner or later they're gonna get ahold of something. Maybe it's not dope. Maybe it's booze, maybe it's glue, maybe it's gasoline. Maybe it's a gunshot to the head. But something. Something to relieve the pressures of their everyday life, like having to tie their shoes.

Bob: All these kids, they're all TV babies. Watching people killing and fucking each other on the boob tube for so long it's all they know. Hell, they think it's legal. They think it's the right thing to do.

Bob: Diane was my wife. I loved her, and she loved dope. So we made a good couple.

Bob: You got a warrant?

Gentry: Yeah, I got a warrant.

[draws his gun and points it at Bob]

Gentry: I got it pasted on the end of one of these slugs. Now you give me any more shit, and I give you a good close look at one of 'em.

Bob: Heavy, man. You guys been reading too much Mickey Spillane or something?

Bob: Man, I love cops. If there were no hot shit cops like Gentry around, the competition would be so heavy there'd be nothing left to steal.

Bob: I knew it in my heart. You can buck the system but you can't buck the dark forces that lie hidden beneath the surface. The ones some people call superstitions.

Rick: Jesus, Bob, you never told us anything about not mentioning dogs.

Bob: The reason nobody mentioned dogs, Rick, is that to mention the dog would have been a hex in itself.

Rick: All right, well, now we are on the subject, are there an other stupid things we aren't supposed to mention that will affect our future?

Bob: [to Nadine] Next time you step into the middle of one of my deals to help me with my arithmetic, I'll sell you to the first one-eyed carnival freak I can find for a pack of chewing gum!

[to Diane]

Bob: Look at me babe, I'm hysterical.

Drug Counselor: Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

Bob: Yeah, a few times.

Drug Counselor: What were they? What felonies were you convicted of?

Bob: [pauses] What do you want? You want my life story?

[Gets up]

Bob: I'm a junkie, I like drugs, I like the whole lifestyle. But it just didn't pay off. You know, you don't see my kind of people. Because my kind of people don't beg dope, they go out and get it.

Bob: Father Murphy? Hey Tom.

Tom the Priest: Well well. Bad Bobby Hughes. Imagine seeing you here after all these years.

Bob: You live here too?

Tom the Priest: I have nowhere else to go. There is no demand in the priesthood for elderly drug addicts.

Bob: You just put a 30 day hex on us, that's what you did. Our luck just flew out the window for the next thirty days.

[first lines]

Bob: I was once a shameless full-time dope fiend.

[Rick has just found the crew a new place to live called the Josephine Apartments]

Bob: Why do they call it Josephine?

Bob: I dunno. The guy that rented it to me's named Dale. Maybe Josephine sounds better.

Bob: Hats. Okay? Hats. If I ever see a hat on a bed in this house, man, like you'll never see me again. I'm gone.

Diane: That makes two of us.

Nadine: Why a hat?

Bob: Because that's just the way it is, sweetie.

[last lines]

Bob: I was still alive. Hope they can keep me alive.

Bob: [about Tom] I bet he shot a million dollars in his arm.

Bob: She left us with an OD'd stiff. Which is paramount

[sic]

Bob: to a murder beef in this state.

Bob: A sheriff's convention no less! Why couldn't it have been a Tupperware convention?

David: [Selling drugs]

[Eyes Nadine]

David: How much do you want for that foxy female?

Bob: Hey what do you think I am, some closet pimp? I've never heard such a violation of women's rights in all my life!

[pauses]

Bob: Just out of curiosity, how many bags of speed would you give me for this girl?

David: [Reaches his hand out to touch Nadine] I don't know...

Nadine: [Hits him] You little twerp, you touch me and I'll knock your block off!

Bob: [Diane starts stripping off her clothes to seduce him] Diane what the fuck are you doing? You on glue or something?

Bob: [Showing his friends how he has duped the cops] Show time!

Bob: Babe, you're going to flip out when you see this one man!

Bob: Alright everybody just act cool. Just like we got back from church.

Bob: Why don't you grow up?

David: I am growing up!

Diane: Jesus, what kind of a dump is this? Where's the female, you might as well trot her out.

Bob: You don't ever change do you Diane?

Diane: Goddamn right I don't, why should I?

Bob: Nobody said anything about guns! They've got guns, and I think we need guns!

Cosmo: [sarcastically] That's smart thinkin', Bob. That's real smart thinkin'. All the damn money I spread around here, and you want to go play Al Capone with some fuckin' meatball! You fuckin' juvenile!

Bob: What do you play?

Romulus Ledbetter: My skull.

Bob: You know I'm very much in love with you, don't you?

Bonnie: Are you?

Bob: I'm crazy about you, and you know it.

Bonnie: I didn't know.

Bob: Well, you know it now. What about it?

Bonnie: That's it... what?

Bob: Going to make me stand on ceremony?

Bonnie: You think I'm so old-fashioned?

Bob: I hope not.

Bonnie: You're right. I'm not. I believe in... in trying love out.

Bob: On approval?

Bonnie: Yes, on approval.

[they kiss as the scene fades out]

Bob: [Bonnie pulls away after Bob kisses her] What's the matter? You've kissed me before, haven't you?

Bonnie: Yes, but that wasn't a permanent arrangement, was it?

Bob: Aren't you being clever?

Bonnie: And aren't you being vague as usual?

Bob: All right, if that's what you want, I'll set you up in a real establishment anytime you like. You don't have to make your living off of Jake Luva, dancing in his nightclub. I can do much better for you than that. Now, is that less vague?

Bonnie: That's very clear. Now we understand each other. I'm a cheap little dancer in a night club, and you thought you could have me on your own terms. Well, you're mistaken! I can still pick my own men, Mr. Townsend, and right now it's Jake Luva.

[Detective Judd Blake has just caught his assistant peeping at the keyhole.]

Judd Blake: Amateur. Peering through keyholes is for the amateur.

Bob: I wasn't, actually, Mr. Blake. I just thought I'd dropped something on the floor.

Judd Blake: Bugging, now that's the professional way.

Bob: Bugging.

Judd Blake: Yes, and like everything else, purely a matter of technique. Now you stick with me, and you'll soon learn to be a successful bugger.

Bob: You have everything I want. Everything I ever wanted. Then you messed it up.

James: Bob?

Bob: Do you think she's gonna take you back now?

[punches James in the face]

Charlotte: I just don't know what I'm supposed to be.

Bob: You'll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.

Bob: It gets a whole lot more complicated when you have kids.

Charlotte: It's scary.

Bob: The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born.

Charlotte: Nobody ever tells you that.

Bob: Your life, as you know it... is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.

Charlotte: That's nice.

Bob: I don't want to leave.

Charlotte: So don't. Stay here with me. We'll start a jazz band.

Director: [in Japanese] Mr. Bob-san, you are relaxing in your study. On the table is a bottle of Suntory whiskey. Got it? Look slowly, with feeling, at the camera, and say it gently - say it as if you were speaking to an old friend. Just like Bogie in Casablanca, "Here's looking at you, kid" - Suntory time.

Translator: Umm. He want you to turn, looking at camera. OK?

Bob: That's all he said?

Translator: Yes. Turn to camera.

Bob: All right. Does he want me to turn from the right, or turn from the left?

Translator: [to director, in Japanese] Uh, umm. He's ready now. He just wants to know if he's supposed to turn from the left or turn from the right when the camera rolls. What should I tell him?

Director: [in Japanese] What difference does it make! Makes no difference! Don't have time for that! Got it, Bob-san? Just psych yourself up, and quick! Look straight at the camera. At the camera. And slowly. With passion. Straight at the camera. And in your eyes there's... passion. Got it?

Translator: [to Bob] Right side. And with intensity. OK?

Bob: Is that everything? It seemed like he said quite a bit more than that.

Director: [to Bob, in Japanese] Listen, listen. This isn't just about whiskey. Understand? Imagine you're talking to an old friend. Gently. The emotions bubble up from the bottom of your heart. And don't forget, psych yourself up!

Translator: Like an old friend. And, into the camera.

Bob: OK.

Director: [in Japanese] Got it? You *love* whiskey. It's *Suntory* time. OK?

Bob: OK.

Director: OK?

Bob: [nods]

Director: [to crew] OK!

Bob: For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.

Charlotte: 25 years. That's uh, well it's impressive.

Bob: Well you figure, you sleep one-third of your life, that knocks out eight years of marriage right there. So you're, y'know, down to 16 in change. You know you're just a teenager, at marriage, you can drive it but there's still the occasional accident.

Bob: Can you keep a secret? I'm trying to organize a prison break. I'm looking for, like, an accomplice. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?

Charlotte: I'm in. I'll go pack my stuff.

Bob: I hope that you've had enough to drink. It's going to take courage.

Stills Photographer: You know double-O-7?

Bob: He drinks martinis, but all right.

[at a photo shoot]

Bob: You want more mysterious? I'll just try and think, "Where the hell's the whiskey?"

[after a long speech in Japanese]

Ms. Kawasaki: He want you to turn and look in camera. Okay?

Bob: Is that all he said?

Charlotte: That was the worst lunch.

Bob: So bad. What kind of restaurant makes you cook your own food?

Lydia Harris: [over the phone] Is this a bad time?

Bob: [pauses] No, it's always a good time.

Lydia Harris: The burgundy carpet is out of stock: it's going to take twelve weeks. Did you like any of the other colors?

Bob: Whatever you like - I'm just completely lost.

Lydia Harris: It's just carpet.

Bob: That's not what I'm talking about.

Lydia Harris: What are you talking about?

Bob: I don't know. I just want to... get healthy. I would like to start taking better care of myself. I'd like to start eating healthier - I don't want all that pasta. I would like to start eating like Japanese food.

Lydia Harris: [icily] Well, why don't you just stay there and you can have it every day?

Bob: [biting his tongue] How are the kids doing?

Lydia Harris: They're fine. They miss their father.

[pause]

Lydia Harris: Do I need to worry about you, Bob?

Bob: Only if you want to.

Bob: Enjoy my jacket, which you stole from me.

Charlotte: [Bob is recollecting when he first saw Charlotte, in the elevator] Did I scowl at you?

Bob: No, you smiled.

Charlotte: I did?

Bob: Yes, it was a complete accident. A freak. I haven't seen it since. Just that one time.

[Charlotte smiles]

Bob: Like that, but bigger... bigger... mm-hmm... well, not that big!

Bob: Enjoy your fright.

Charlotte: So, what are you doing here?

Bob: Uh, a couple of things. Taking a break from my wife, forgetting my son's birthday. And, uh, getting paid two million dollars to endorse a whiskey when I could be doing a play somewhere.

Charlotte: Oh.

Bob: But the good news is, the whiskey works.

Charlotte: [after Bob tells her of his back pain] I'm in pain, I got my foot banged up. Wanna see it?

Bob: [to Chef, sarcastically] How do you say no?

[sees the foot]

Bob: Oh, my gosh! When did you do this?

Charlotte: I did it the other day, it hurts, y'know?

Bob: Didn't you feel any pain?

Charlotte: Yeah, it really hurt.

Bob: That toe is almost dead.

[Charlotte laughs]

Bob: I think I got to take you to a doctor, you can't just put that back in the shoe. Well, you either go to a doctor or you leave it here.

[regarding Chef]

Bob: He's smiling. You like that idea? See they love black toe in this country.

[Charlotte continues laughing]

Bob: What are you doing?

Charlotte: My husband's a photographer, so he's here working. I wasn't doing anything so I came along.

Bob: What do you do?

Charlotte: I'm not sure yet, actually.

Charlotte: Why do they switch the r's and the l's here?

Bob: Uh... for yuks. You know? Just to mix it up.

Bob: They have to amuse themselves, 'cause we're not making them laugh.

[Bob is exercising on the step machine, trying to adjust the settings that are only in Japanese. He hits a button that only makes the machine go faster and faster]

Bob: Help!

Premium Fantasy woman: Mr. Kazu sent me, premium fantasy. My stockings. Rip them.

[sounds like "lip them"]

Premium Fantasy woman: Rip my stockings. Yes, please, rip them.

Bob: What?

Premium Fantasy woman: Rip them. HEY! Rip my stocking!

Bob: Hey? Lip them? Lip them? What?

Bob: I was feeling tight in the shoulders and neck, so I called down and had a Shiatsu massage in my room...

Charlotte: Mmh, that's nice!

Bob: And the tightness has completely disappeared and been replaced by unbelievable pain.

[Charlotte laughs]

Charlotte: I'm stuck. Does it get easier?

Bob: No. - Yes, it gets easier.

Charlotte: Oh yeah? Look at you.

Bob: Thanks.

Bob: You're not hopeless.

Premium Fantasy woman: You like massage?

Bob: I don't think I like massage anymore.

Bob: I don't get that close to the glass until I'm on the floor.

[first lines]

Ms. Kawasaki: Welcome to Tokyo.

Bob: Thank you very much.

Ms. Kawasaki: My name is Kawasaki. Nice to meet you.

Bob: I've heard of you. Thank you.

Stills Photographer: Are you drinking, no?

Bob: Am I drinking? As soon as I'm done.

Bob: [Karaoke Party] More than this, you know there's nothing. More than this, just tell me one thing.

Bob: What did you study?

Charlotte: Philosophy.

Bob: There's a lot of money in that racket. You just have to work out all the angles.

Bob: Short and sweet? How very Japanese of you.

Charlotte: [making fun of his one-night stand] She's older. At least you'll have lots to talk about...

Bob: I can't believe you couldn't find anyone else to lavish you with attention.

[last lines]

Bob: Bye.

Charlotte: Bye.

Bob: Bye.

[Bob leaves Charlotte and walks back to his waiting taxi]

Bob: [to taxi driver] All right.

Ryan Bingham: [sitting next to Natalie] You know why kids love athletes?

Bob: Because they screw lingerie models.

Ryan Bingham: No, that's why we love athletes. Kids love athletes because they follow their dreams.

Bob: well I cant dunk

Ryan Bingham: [after being informed by Ryan that his been let go] Your resume says you minored in French Culinary Arts. Most students work the frier at KFC. You busted tables at Il Picatorre to support yourself. Then you got out of college and started working here. How much did they pay you to give up on your dreams?

Bob: Twenty seven thousand a year.

Ryan Bingham: [sitting next to Natalie] At what point were you going to stop and go back to what made you happy?

Bob: that's a good question.

Bob: [Shows them a picture of his children, after having been informed he's been let go] What do you suggest I tell them?

Natalie Keener: Perhaps you're overlooking the positive effects your career transition will have on your children

Bob: The positive effects? I make about ninety grand a year, unemployment is two hundred fifty bucks week is that one of your positive effects? We get to be cozier because I won't be able to pay my mortgage on my house so maybe we can move into a nice one bedroom apartment and I guess without benefits I'll be able to hold my daughter as she suffers from her asthma that I won't be able to afford the medication for her

Natalie Keener: Tests have shown that children under moderate trauma tend to apply themselves academically as a method of coping

Bob: "Go fuck yourself",that's what my kids will think

Ryan Bingham: Your kids' admiration is important to you?

Bob: Yeah of course

Ryan Bingham: I doubt they ever admired you

Bob: Hey, asshole, aren't you supposed to be consoling me?

Ryan Bingham: I'm not a shrink I'm a wakeup call, I see guys who work at the same company their entire lives guys exactly like you they clock in and they clock out and they never have a moment of happiness you have an opportunity, this is a rebirth, if not for you do it for your children

Joby: Hi Bob. Working hard, or hardly working?

Bob: Pays the same either way.

Bob: Are you having a good time?

Qohen Leth: Approximately

Bob: Did you know that more than 33 different aboriginal tribes believe that the soul resides somewhere in the lower intestinal tract? Absolutely true, but here's the zinger: none of these tribes have any knowledge of each other's existence. Coincidence? Coincidence? Why do you think all these separate peoples got such an idea?

Qohen Leth: Dysintery.

Bob: Don't open! Don't open! Don't open! Don't open! Please don't open! Don't open it! Don't open! Don't open it! Don't open!

Bob: Beautiful country, Italy.

Secondo: You ever been there?

Bob: No.

Bob: I have a younger brother. I hate his guts.

Secondo: Why?

Bob: He's cheap.

Secondo: But he's your brother.

Bob: He's a person. I hate cheap people.

Bob: Late again huh Cru?

Cru: Oh, excuse me blob, I don't have a watch.

Bob: Bob, the name's Bob, not Blob. Smart-ass.

Bob: They're getting a boy to do a man's job.

Alex: Is this milk all right for Bob to drink?

Lucy: It's mummy's.

Alex: I'm sure she won't mind.

Lucy: It's *mummy's*, for John-Stuart. He's not *weaned* yet.

Alex: Oh.

Bob: [gags] Oh, my God.

Bob: Don't come to me like a possessive wife!

Alex: Well, I wouldn't if you hadn't left me with five children and a dog!

Bob: Look, I know you feel you're not getting enough of me, but you're getting all there is.

Alex: Well, you're spreading yourself a little thin, aren't you?

Timothy: Blecch!

Alex: Serves you right for pinching my breakfast.

Timothy: Not *your* breakfast! Papa paid for it!

Bob: Well, there's socialism for you.

Bob: We're free to do what we want.

Alex: Darling... other people often do what they don't want to do at all.

Bob: [getting drunk] It's not a real burger, Misha, if I can't have extra ketchup. It's just a fucking... it's a fucking façade. This whole country is just like one Hollywood back lot, fucking, façade. And it's a really shitty made one, at that.

Bob: I am your lawyer, KG, not the tooth fairy.

Bob: Okay, okay, so we'll go to the cavern tomorrow, usual time. Laura will be there. A bit drained, but she'll be there.

Jessica Van Helsing: Why don't we go in the front way?

Bob: That's full of geeks and newspaper men.

[after running over and killing Tony]

Bob: Hey, what's the matter? You okay? Feeling bad, huh? It's cool, we just killed somebody. No big deal.

Bob: Seeing a cemetery on a night like this can stir in the mind the best ideas for a good horror story.

Shirley: But there's so many wonderful things to write about, Bob.

Bob: Sure there are, and I've tried them all. Plays, love stories, westerns, dog stories... now there was a good one, that dog story, all about -

Shirley: But horror stories? Why all the time horror stories?

Bob: Shirley, I wrote for years without selling a single word. My monsters have done well for me. You think I'd give that up, just so I could write about trees, or dogs, or daisies?

[chuckles]

Bob: Daisies! That's it, I'll write about my creatures who are pushing up the daisies.

[he kisses her]

Bob: Your puritan upbringing holds you back from my monsters, but it certainly doesn't hurt your art of kissing.

Shirley: That's life. My kisses are alive.

Bob: [chuckles] Who's to say my monsters aren't alive?

Bob: I never met Parry. But I know psychologically he's no killer. He was just dumb.

Madge Rapf: What makes you think *you're* so smart. All you know is T-squares and drafting boards and not even much about them or anything else!

Bob: We've been through all of that before! A couple of hundred thousand times. A couple of hundred thousand years ago when I was a monkey and thought I wanted to marry you.

Madge Rapf: I could say plenty!

Bob: That's very true. Even Parry must have enough sense by this time to stay away from that...

Madge Rapf: [Cutting him off] He never had anything to do with me!

Bob: [Sarcastically] Santa Claus has nothing to do with Christmas.

Bob: Just pick up the sofa and throw it at her. That'll make her catch on.

Lynda: Now, when we get inside, Annie will distract Lindsey and we go upstairs to the first bedroom on the right. Got it?

Bob: First, I rip your clothes off...

Lynda: Don't rip my blouse. It's expensive, you idiot!

Bob: Then I rip my clothes off, then I rip Lindsey's clothes off. Yeah, I think I got it.

Lynda: You want a beer?

Bob: Yeah.

Lynda: Is that all you can say?

Bob: Yeah.

Lynda: Go get me a beer!

Bob: I thought you were gonna get me one?

Lynda: Yeah?

Bob: I'll be right back. Don't get dressed!

Peter Sandza: Ask Childress if all this was worth his arm.

Bob: What? Did you do something to his arm, Peter?

Peter Sandza: I killed it. With a machine gun.

Bob: Without education, you're fucked. I mean, you've seen some things. I've showed you some things for sure, but you haven't understood them. You ever do a puzzle? You know the kind of puzzle that has the picture on the outside of the box? That's what people are. Pictures on the outside, pieces inside.

Bob: Where do you think that you are on the food chain, Rabbit?

Rabbit: I won't do it.

Bob: No kid of mine is going to grow up uselessly educated.

Rabbit: I'm not your kid.

Bob: The fuck you're not.

[to Rabbit]

Bob: You will have one job: You do what I say. You clean up my house. Garbage bags, mops, bucket, broom - they are your tools. Breakfast. You will serve me breakfast, every morning for the rest of your life. You will not eat or drink anything without my permission. You only eat after I have eaten, and only what I have left on my plate.

[Buzzer rings]

Bob: You hear that? That means that I'm bringing one back. You have 10 seconds to open these locks. Every night I bring home a newspaper. After I finish reading it, I want you to try and find stories about missing people. You cut them out nice and neat and you put them in the scrapbook. There is no phone in this house. The TV is off limits unless I offer it. If someone knocks at the - well, no one's gonna knock. If you steal from me, you get a beating. If you try an' escape, or you don't keep the house clean, you get a beating. If you make me nervous, or get in my way at all, a beating. From now on this is your world. It is only you, me, and them. I will call you Rabbit.

Bob: Just study. You don't want to be shackled to this house for rest of your life, do you?

Rabbit: No.

Bob: Good. There's hope for you yet. So, study hard and maybe you and I can work out a deal.

Rabbit: Deal for what?

Bob: Some freedom. You know, get off the chain, get out of the house. Get a girl. You're older now, I think that, uh, you should have a taste of a woman real soon.

Bob: There's only one real way out for you, to prove to me that I can trust you. There's only one way to do that.

Bob: [as he catches Rabbit trying to escape through the attic] You going somewhere, Rabbit? You get a "A" for effort. I know every move that you make!

Rabbit: [screams] HELP! HELP!

Bob: [Yells to Rabbit] Everything you do I let you do!

Bob: Don't be a quitter. RABBIT! You have to follow through, following through is the key to life.

Bob: Do you want to learn things? You know really learn? Cuz it's important as hell to know shit, otherwise people will, they will walk all over you.

[pauses]

Bob: I got things that you, uh, that you should learn.

Bob: [screaming at Rabbit] You are looking to be shackled to this fucking wall for the rest of your life, Mister!

Bob: You got me, and no one else.

[after Rabbit kicks him in the groin]

Bob: That is the last free shot that you will ever get.

Bob: You are so fucking predictable. And a fucking embarrassment!

Bob: Do you see anything that says you aren't my kid? That, that, that we aren't family?

Bob: You look like your mother.

Rabbit: My dad's gonna find you.

Bob: If- if that's what you believe.

Joe: [exploring the spooky Forbidden Zone] Do you see anything?

Bob: Nothing! Nothing in particular!

Chase Winstead: Where's Pat and Liz?

Bob: Maybe their car broke down?

Chase Winstead: Hey! I worked on that car myself!

Bob: That wouldn't make any difference if he goofed the speed shift or something!

Chase Winstead: And that squirrel is just the one that could do it!

Bob: I sell snake poison. The medical community calls it "venom" and pays very well for it.

Bob: The danger is gone! The danger is OVER!!

Bob: Don't think, just drink!

Chief Boyardie: This won't be easy, but you boys know all the surfers in this area and I need identification. Well, there it is.

Bob: What is it?

Chief Boyardie: Surfers. Two, maybe three. What's left of them.

Chuck: What happened?

Chief Boyardie: We're not sure. One thing's certain, it wasn't suicide.

Chuck: How do you know?

Chief Boyardie: There's no motive. Besides, it's impossible to cut off your own arms and legs... and head.

Bob: Check it out!

Chuck: Whoa! Wenches!

[both approach two girls]

Bob: Hi, I'm Bob. Excuse me, but are you available for dating?

Hot Potato #1: Well, perhaps. What did you have in mind?

Bob: Are you clean?

[the pioneers have put taffy in the house, so he can sleep with Gabby]

Pat - Member, Sons of the Pioneers: Boy, that o'ta keep him warm.

Bob: Warm? It'll burn him up!

Hildegarde Gray: Have you seen Pat around?

Bob: Pat... you ain't looking for him, are you?

Hildegarde Gray: Yeah.

Bob: Well, he's over at the bunkhouse trying to beautify himself.

Hildegarde Gray: Thanks.

[She leaves]

Bob: But it ain't doin' no good.

Tim: I wonder how it feels to get a concussion and lose your mind.

Bob: You ought to know; you've been doing without one for years.

Tim: Oh, is that so! Well, I'm the brains of this outfit.

Bob: Well, tell Miss Penny what we're here for, Brains.

[first lines]

Bob: Howdy, Tom. Is the captain around?

Ranger Captain: [from a nearby tent] Hello, Bob. Come on in.

[Bob wants to know why Chuckler hasn't gone with the other ranchers to capture the horse rustlers]

Bob: What's the matter? You ain't afeared are you?

Chuckler: Afeared? Say, I reckon you don't know who I am!

Bob: No, I reckon I don't.

Chuckler: Say, I'm one of the toughest hombres anywhere in this country. I got more notches on my gun than all the outlaws and sheriffs put together. I'm a rootin', tootin', shoot 'em dead, double-perfumed polecat and I'm always on the prod!

Bob: You know, I imagine there's gonna be a big reward for whoever brings in those rustlers. I sure could use half of it if I knew who I could give the other half to.

Chuckler: Well, I ain't holdin' much dinero myself and it's kinda hot poundin' leather this time of year...

Bob: To say nothin' about dodgin' bullets, heh?

Chuckler: I don't have to dodge bullets. I'm so tough I just catches 'em in my teeth and masticates them into tin foil!

Bob: Boy, I should sure use you for a partner, but seein' how you ain't of a mind to go along, I guess I'll have to play a lone hand.

Chuckler: Well say, gol-darned your pink-skinned hide, you can't do that! It takes a maverick with whiskers on his chin and hair on his chest to deal with them varmints - and I'm that maverick with curly horns thrown in for good measure!

Bert: You blew your nose!

Bob: I did not blow my nose. It was your imagination!

Bert: Oh, no. My imagination doesn't make a noise like that.

Bob: Get that silly look off of your face! Every time you do that I know you're ready to lift something--and you promised me you weren't gonna steal another thing!

Bert: You know I can't help lifting things. It's a disease! Y'know, the doctor says that I'm a kleptomaniac.

Bob: Yeah, well why don't you take something for it?

Bert: I've taken everything. But you know, I don't really steal.

Bob: Aw, no, you don't steal--you just find a lot of things that haven't been lost, that's all!

Bert: I wonder who this carriage belongs to?

Bob: Oh, some great duchess, I suppose. I hope she doesn't find us under here. She's liable to have us beheaded.

Bert: Beheaded? Can she do that?

Bob: Sure. She can be head.

Bert: Do you think we ought to send for a lawyer?

Bob: Certainly not. We're in enough trouble as it is.

Bob: Come on. Let's get outta here.

Bert: Wait a minute. You wouldn't leave that kid in that fight would you?

Bob: Certainly not.

Bert: We're men of iron!

Bob: Yeah, but I'm a little rusty today.

Bob: Hi ya, there, sister, hi ya there. Eh, I'm only kidding, but, suppose you and I get married?

Tavern Wench: Oh, no. The man I marry must be young and handsome.

Bob: Well, you're no prize. You've got a face that only a mother could love.

Tavern Wench: Oh, yes. But, I'm about to inherit 10,000 sovereigns.

Bob: Then I'm about to become a mother.

Bob: Who's that big windjammer back there?

Tavern Wench: Oh, shhh. You better not let him hear you say that. He cracks men's skulls just for amusement.

Bob: I was just going to say, a very witty person. A merry wag, in deed.

Bert: What does that all mean?

Bob: It means that the clothes we have on belongs to the King's physician. So, from now on, we're a couple of doctors.

Mary Ann Dale: Surgeons?

Bob: No, I could never be a surgeon. Too much inside work.

The Duke's Valet: Welcome to the manor of the Duke of Weskit.

Mary Ann Dale: The Duke of Weskit?

Bob: Not bad. Not bad. And from the looks of this joint, he must be a gay old dog. Well, here's where we teach the old dog some new tricks.

Lady Genevieve: Oh, doctor. I'm so glad you've come. Would you like to make an examination at once?

Bob: Would I like to make an examination? Why, you know I would you little devil. Hi ya, Gracie.

Lady Genevieve: What?

Bob: Hi ya, Gracie.

Lady Genevieve: Why, you said that before?

Bob: Oh, that's where I heard it.

Lady Genevieve: Oh, doctor, I think you're making a mistake.

Bob: Not with you, baby. Not with you. Now, how's your heart? Take a deep breathe.

Lady Genevieve: But, doctor, I'm not the patient.

Bob: What, you're not Grace?

Lady Genevieve: His Grace is my Uncle the Duke and he's suffering from insomnia and I'm afraid its affecting his heart.

Bob: Well, we'll soon put a stop to that! You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna prescribe a glass of whiskey every 15 minutes.

Lady Genevieve: For Uncle?

Bob: No, for me!

Bob: Doc, you're just in time. We're just about ready to have a diagnosis.

Bert: Well, I've never drank one but I'll take a chance.

Bob: You know, toots, you and I are gonna be great pals. By the way, what does insomnia mean?

Lady Genevieve: Oh, doctor!

Bob: Now, take it easy, Gracie, this is not going to hurt you much. I'll blow very easy.

Bert: What happened?

Bob: He blew first!

Lady Genevieve: Oh, doctor, isn't the moon glorious. You know, I've always wanted to see the man in the moon.

Bob: Not me. I'd rather see a woman in the sun.

Bob: Hi there, Jen! Doggone, what a beautiful dress you have on!

Lady Genevieve: My dressmaker says it's the coming thing.

Bob: Heh! It must be coming - because there's a lot of it that hasn't arrived yet.

Baron Moxford: Will you put the powder puff away.

[Lady Genevieve stuffs it in the front of her dress]

Bob: Can I help you?

Bob: Well, I hope our paths cross again.

Tavern Singer: Well, I hope so!

Bob: That makes it a double-cross.

Lady Genevieve: And you enjoyed your dinner too. Didn't you doctor? Don't you just love wild game?

Bob: Genny, the wildest game I ever played was Post Office.

Bob: Listen.

[Strums an overly large guitar]

Lady Genevieve: Ah, you play!

Bob: Do I play? Listen, I play this thing so well some folks got me up out of bed one night to play it for them.

Lady Genevieve: And you got dressed and did it?

Bob: No, I played in my pajamas. I was going along swell too and all of the sudden a string broke.

Lady Genevieve: On the guitar?

Bob: No, on the pajamas.

Lady Genevieve: Oh, doctor!

Lady Genevieve: Oh, doctor, we can be alone. Look up into that window.

Bob: Hey, what do you think I am? A peeping Tom?

Lady Genevieve: That's Uncle's room and when the light goes out, meet me on my balcony.

Bob: Will I be on that balcony!

Lady Genevieve: I'll be waiting - with bells on.

Bob: Never mind the bells, honey!

Lady Genevieve: Oh, doctor, can't you prescribe something for this dreadful heat?

Bob: No. I can make 'em warm, but, I can't cool 'em off.

Eileen O'Shea: He still please with the story?

Bob: So Please he wants me to go back to start another

Eileen O'Shea: When?

Bob: Right Away, you know I don't want to go back, can't you see what I'm telling to tell you? I never really been in love before, But I am now.

Eileen O'Shea: Oh Bob, you mustn't talk like that!

Bob: You have to listen I can't go back without you.

Assistant Commissioner: [on discovering that Bob has just inherited a title and an estate] I shall be sorry to see you go, my boy.

Bob: Go? You're not going to through me out just because I'm an earl! Oh, be reasonable, sir. I not only need my job, I want promotion to keep up the family ruins! Don't let me down now that I'm up in the world!

Gavin: Bob, you're not seriously going to pack in 72 bottles of beer.

Bob: What, not enough? Don't worry, I brought hard stuff, too. And if all fails, there's rubbing alcohol in the first aid kit.

Andrew: What are you doing with a gun?

Bob: We're in the middle of nowhere. I'm a boy scout. Do the math!

Allison: Maybe this game isn't a game. Maybe this so-called hunt is an actual hunt. Maybe -

Bob: Allison, stop talking.

Allison: No! There's no way I'm going another ten miles in the middle of nowhere, where some maniac has kidnapped and possibly killed some woman. I'm not doing it!

Bob: One of these days, Frankie.

Frankie: Is that a date, Bob? You get so cute when you're angry.

Bob: I've got to get a pass from one of the Chinese Generals.

Mrs. Jackson: That's what we call our gangsters here, Generals.

Bob: I want a safe conduct pass to Chapei.

General Yen: What on earth to do you want to go there for? That's an inferno.

Bob: That's why I must go. Our orphanage is between the lines. The children are in danger. We've got to...

General Yen: Ohhh, orphans. What are they anyway? People without ancestors. Nobody. Please sit down, Doctor. I will get you a glass of wine.

Bob: General, you don't understand.

General Yen: Later on we will be entertained by some sing-song girls. Say, Doctor. Have never been curious about sing-song girls? Mmmm?

Lulu: Who are you?

Bob: I'm the Census taker.

Lulu: Oh, I lost my senses long ago.

Bob: Here's to you 66.

Lulu: Right back at you, 99.

Bob: Listen, Foolish, are you happy?

Lulu: At times.

Bob: What times?

Lulu: What times when I'm with you. Then, I'm not only happy, I'm sappy.

Lulu: I was a fool! I was crazy!

Bob: Lulu, you've got to come back.

Lulu: What for? To see you make love to your wife?

Will Price: Is Forcelink crying?

Bob: Do they have a reason to?

Will Price: [Smiling] Well, every time I write an article somebody cries.

Bob: Hey, you don't give an inch, do you?

Sally Hanson: You give an inch, the guy takes two, you find out he only has three, and you end up with zero.

Bob: We brought you along because you're supposed to be the big man with the iron; but I think now I could even out pull you.

Rio: You're probably right, Bob. You probably could put six in me by the time I put that one into you.

Bob: [referring to Rio's busted gun hand] It's been six weeks. That hand ain't gettin' no better. I say we lay for Longworth with shotguns and then go rob that bank.

Rio: Ambushin' folks ain't exactly my style, Bob.

Bob: I'd say your style's gettin' a bit slow. We brought you along because you're supposed to be the big man with the iron; but now, I think I could even out pull you.

Rio: [Putting his hand on his gun butt] You're probably right, Bob. You probably could get six into me by the time I get that one into you.

Bob: Harvey Johnson's gonna be a famous name in these parts.

Harvey Johnson: How's that?

Bob: He's about to get hisself killed by a fella named Rio.

Harvey Johnson: That ain't him.

Bob: I wouldn't want to lose me a handful of brains trying to find out.

Bob: What about Longworth?

Rio: Nothin' about him. In the mornin' I'll kill him and then we'll rob that bank.

Bob: This is part that's goin' to tickle you; the sheriff in that town is named Dad Longworth.

[Modesto is attempting to stop Bob from double crossing Rio]

Bob: I'm real disappointed in you, Modesto; pullin' a gun on an old saddle pal like that.

Chico: One more word and I will kill you!

Bob: One more word, huh? Let me see if I can think of one. How about g-r-e-a-s-e-r? Greaser?

[Modesto pulls his trigger and realizes that Bob has unloaded his gun during the night]

Bob: Lookin' for these, Modesto? (throws cartridges at him)

Harvey: (laughing) Eat 'em, greaser.

Chico: (throws his gun at Bob)Banditos!

Bob: You had a good life, Modesto. (shoots him)

[Bob and Harvey are watching Longworth whip Rio]

Harvey: We better get down there and do something.

Bob: Do something? Not this old horse; Longworth's got enough shotguns down there to start a war. Besides, this might help get some of that snot-nose out of him.

[Roy is unhappy that his boss has ordered to cooperate with Lee Madison while she researches her next western novel]

Bob: Did you read "Murder on the Border"?

Cookie Bullfincher: Golly, I did. It's about...

Roy Rogers: I know what it's about - black-hearted villains and roarin' six-guns. I'd like to see him face those six guns he writes about.

Gabby: Some job. I don't mind doin' a gal a favor, but all we do is ride. Burnin' up good energy and saddle leather!

Pat Brady: You been burnin' up her food, too, ain't you? Why, you're gorged to the gills right now.

Bob: All he can hear is the dinner bell. Two helpings of stew he had, and last night I saw him take a whole pie and hide it in the garbage chute.

Gabby: Awww, I never did...

[suddenly realizing]

Gabby: Garbage chute! I thought that was a cooler!

Bob: If this is the way to El Paso, they must have moved it.

Bob: I don't know what it's like where you've been hanging out, but around here when two men go out on a job together, we figure two of them ought to come back. If you don't know what I mean, I can make myself clearer.