Board Member Quotes in Miss Mend (1926)

Board Member: And now Chiche, Chairman of our Organization, will report on the progress of his work, commissioned by our stock companies and banks.

Tchitche: Our Organization now possesses all the latest chemical and biological weapons. These new technologies need to be tested on human masses. I propose these tests be carried out in Soviet Russia. This way we'll combine scientific research with the practical benefit of eliminating this harmful nation. My plan is easy to implement and requires only a small radio station and false insulators. Here it is. This may look like a harmless insulator... Here are its contents. Billions of plague-spreading bacteria. By attaching it to an antenna, we get a deadly weapon that can be controlled by our radio station. Engineer Berg is traveling to Russia. We'll have to eliminate him. Arthur Stern will use his identification papers and help transport all our equipment.

Arthur Stern: I am honored to assist in the fight against these enemies of culture.

Elizabeth Stern: You are a true hero, Arthur!

Tchitche: But we need money, lots of money. Stern's fortune is not enough. I am putting Stern's plants and factories up for sale.

Board Member: Who wants to build a school in Pakistan?

Charlie Wilson: Afghanistan!

[Two shy sisters testify at Deeds's sanity hearing]

John Cedar: Do you know the defendant, Mr. Longfellow Deeds?

[long pause]

Jane Faulkner: Oh yes, yes, of course we know him.

John Cedar: How long have you known him?

[Jane whispers to Amy; Amy whispers back]

Jane Faulkner: Since he was born.

Amy Faulkner: Yes, Elsie Taggart was the midwife.

Jane Faulkner: He was a seven months' baby.

John Cedar: Thank you, that's, that's fine. Do you see him very often?

[Jane whispers to Amy; Amy whispers back]

Jane Faulkner: Most every day.

Amy Faulkner: Sometimes twice.

Judge May: Must we have the echo?

John Cedar: Suppose you just answer, Miss Jane. Now, will you tell the court what everybody at home thinks of Longfellow Deeds?

[pause; then Jane whispers to Amy; Amy whispers back]

Jane Faulkner: They think he's pixilated.

Amy Faulkner: Oh, yes, pixilated.

Judge May: He's what?

John Cedar: What was that you said he was?

Jane Faulkner: Pixilated.

Amy Faulkner: Mm-hmm.

John Cedar: Now that's rather a strange word to us, Miss Jane. Can you tell the court exactly what it means?

Board member: Perhaps I can explain, Your Honor. The word "pixilated" is an early American expression derived from the word "pixies," meaning elves. They would say the pixies had got him. As we nowadays would say, a man is "barmy."

Judge May: Oh. Is that correct?

Jane Faulkner: Mm-hmm.

Amy Faulkner: Mm-hmm.

[as Kaufman walks out of the elevator with two bags in his hands]

Board Member: What's in the bags?

Kaufman: Money.

Board Member: Whose money?

[Kaufman reaches for his gun]

Kaufman: Watch out, Get down! Quick!

[pulls him down and shoots him]

Kaufman: ...Ours.

Alison Drake: I can't go on! I don't belong here! This is no place for a woman! I know, I've always thought I was different. I've always tried to beat life the way men beat it - but, I can't. I can't! All this crazy, frantic struggle! Fighting with bankers. Trying to save the business! What's it to me? You do what you like with it - I don't care!

[Runs out of the board room to her adjoining office]

Pettigrew: That's right, my dear, have a good cry. It's just what you need. Of course, I've been expecting this for some time. It's only natural. You couldn't go on as you have been - living on your nerves, running this big business all by yourself. You're just a woman, after all. This job is too much for you. I don't wonder you quit.

Board Member: [Alison returns to the board room] What are we going to do?

Alison Drake: Gentlemen, I apologize. Please forget that that ever happened.