Billy Ray Valentine Quotes in Trading Places (1983)

Billy Ray Valentine: [watches Louis clean his shotgun] You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barreled shotgun 'cause you pissed at 'em.

Louis Winthorpe III: Why not?

Billy Ray Valentine: 'Cause it's called assault with a deadly weapon, you get 20 years for that shit.

Louis Winthorpe III: Listen, do you have any better ideas?

Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah. You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.

Coleman: You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.

Even Bigger Black Guy: I mean you beatin' 10 cops? You putting a man in the hospital? How come I don't see no bruises on you?

Big Black Guy: Yeah!

Billy Ray Valentine: 'Cause I'm a karate man! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don't show their weakness. But you don't know that because you're a big Barry White looking motherfucker! So get outta my face!

Billy Ray Valentine: [on his first day of work] What if I can't do this job, Coleman? What if I'm not what they expected?

Coleman: Just be yourself, sir. Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.

Louis Winthorpe III: [approaching the New York Commodities Exchange] Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That's the other guy's problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series - they don't know what pressure is. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you're up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?

Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah, we got to kill the motherf... - we got to kill 'em!

Louis Winthorpe III: Nenge? Nenge Mboko? It is me, Lionel Joseph!

Billy Ray Valentine: Lionel! From the African Education Conference!

Louis Winthorpe III: Yah, mon, I was Director of Cultural Activities at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.

Billy Ray Valentine: I remember the pavilion - we had big fun there!

Both: Boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, hah! Boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, hah!

Billy Ray Valentine: Oh, memories!

Billy Ray Valentine: Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that had me busted.

Louis Winthorpe III: [after ruining the Dukes] Happy New Year!

Randolph Duke: [hoarsely] Winthorpe.

Mortimer Duke: [stunned] Valentine.

Billy Ray Valentine: Hey! How'd y'all make out today?

Mortimer Duke: How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?

Billy Ray Valentine: Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here. See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.

Louis Winthorpe III: [grinning] I lost... One dollar.

Billy Ray Valentine: Thank you, Louis.

Louis Winthorpe III: After you.

Billy Ray Valentine: Certainly.

Coleman: [offering Billy Ray a sip from his flask; Coleman dressed as a priest, Billy Ray in African garb] Would you like a sip of whiskey?

Billy Ray Valentine: I do not drink, it is against my religion!

Coleman: Religion is a good thing I say, taken in moderation.

Billy Ray Valentine: [after demonstrating some fake karate moves] That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a man's body.

Billy Ray Valentine: [as Louis is choking him] lt... was... the... Dukes! lt... was... the... Dukes!

Louis Winthorpe III: You're a dead man, Valentine.

Billy Ray Valentine: [gasping, after Ophelia and Coleman stop Louis from choking Billy Ray] It was an experiment... to see how our lives would turn out... the Dukes arranged it... they made a bet.

Coleman: I'm afraid it's true, sir.

Ophelia: I believe him, Louie.

Louis Winthorpe III: The Dukes... ruined my life... over a bet? For how much?

Billy Ray Valentine: A dollar.

Louis Winthorpe III: One dollar... fine. That's the way they want it? No problem.

[cut to Louis cleaning and loading an array of shotguns in the den]

Newscaster on TV: In charge of security, Mr Clarence Beeks of Lyndhurst Security.

Billy Ray Valentine: [speaking in perfect unison with Louis] Clarence Beeks!

Louis Winthorpe III: [speaking in perfect unison with Billy Ray] Clarence Beeks!

Billy Ray Valentine: [after breaking a vase] Hey, sorry about that.

Randolph Duke: It's perfectly all right William. It was your vase.

Billy Ray Valentine: That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?

Randolph Duke: I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.

[Coleman, Mortimer, Randolph, and Billy Ray start laughing]

Billy Ray Valentine: You want me to break something else?

Randolph Duke, Mortimer Duke, Coleman: NO!

Billy Ray Valentine: [while acting blind and legless] Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. Is he funky in bed?

[the woman begins to walk away]

Billy Ray Valentine: We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You BITCH!

Billy Ray Valentine: [Billy Ray is in jail] I wish my bitches would get here. I ain't got time to be sitting in this cell with you.

Even Bigger Black Guy: Where are your bitches, Mr. Big-Time Pimp?

Big Black Guy: Yeah!

Billy Ray Valentine: [to cellmate #2] Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted, and I can't get in contact with my bitches?

Cellmate #2: [to the Big Black Guy] Yeah! The phone in the limo was busted. What is ya, ignorant?

Billy Ray Valentine: [watches cops subduing an unruly suspect] May I suggest using your night stick officer?

Even Bigger Black Guy: It was a stone groove, my man! You are, the most, righteous...

Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah right, just get the fuck out, man! Let's go!

Billy Ray Valentine: Get the fuck out!

Randolph Duke: Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?

Billy Ray Valentine: Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, "Hey, we're losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" to get out before the price keeps dropping. They're panicking out there right now, I can feel it.

Randolph Duke: [on the ticker machine, the price keeps dropping] He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!

Louis: [after giving the secret knock] Who is it?

Billy Ray Valentine: Open the door, man!

Randolph Duke: [being wheeled out on a stretcher] Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?

Billy Ray Valentine: [to Winthrope] Yeah, I forgot about that guy.

Billy Ray Valentine: [being pushed away by the doorman] Hey, man! I really don't appreciate this! I don't care what it is! A spiced ham! Anything! Some crackers!

[the Dukes enter the building]

Billy Ray Valentine: Thanks a lot. How'd you like a stump up your ass?

Heritage Club Doorman: Stay outta here!

Billy Ray Valentine: You got a lotta soul. 'Preciate it.

Randolph Duke: We want to help you, Mr. Valentine. My brother and I run a privately-funded program to rehabilitate culturally disadvantaged people. We'd like to supply you with a home of your own, a car, a generous bank account, and employment with our company.

Mortimer Duke: We're going to start you at $80,000 a year.

Billy Ray Valentine: $80,000?

Mortimer Duke: Mmm-hmm.

Billy Ray Valentine: Excuse me.

[Leans forward and addresses the chauffeur]

Billy Ray Valentine: This is a practical joke, right, brother?

[the chauffeur shakes his head]

Billy Ray Valentine: Then these dudes are a couple of faggots then, huh?

[the chauffeur shakes his head again]

Billy Ray Valentine: What's my next move, man?

[the chauffeur shrugs]

Billy Ray Valentine: Thank you, you've been helpful.