Billy Mack Quotes in Love Actually (2003)

Billy Mack: Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!

Billy Mack: I realized that Christmas is... is the time to be with the people you love.

Joe: Right.

Billy Mack: And I realized that, as dire chance and... and... and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid-50s, and without knowing it I've gone and spent most of my adult life with a... with a chubby employee. And... and much as it grieves me to say it, it... it might be that the people I love is, in fact... you.

[pause]

Joe: Well, this is a surprise.

Billy Mack: Yeah.

Joe: Ten minutes at Elton John's, you're as gay as a maypole!

[in the record studio, Billy breaks off singing "Christmas Is All Around"]

Billy Mack: This is shit, isn't it?

Joe: [gleefully] Yep, solid gold shit, maestro.

Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow. Thanks for that, Bill.

Billy Mack: For what?

Mikey, DJ interviewer: Well, for actually giving a real answer to a question. Doesn't often happen here at "Radio Watford" I can tell you.

Billy Mack: Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.

Mikey, DJ interviewer: Uh, best shag you've ever had?

Billy Mack: Britney Spears.

Mikey, DJ interviewer: Wow!

Billy Mack: No, only kidding. She was rubbish.

Billy Mack: I left Elton's, where there were a hefty number of half-naked chicks with their mouths open, in order to hang out with you, at Christmas.

Joe: Well, Bill...

Billy Mack: It's a terrible, terrible mistake, Chubs, but you turn out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all my complaining, we have had a wonderful life.

[having just sung the words "Love is all around me" instead of "Christmas is all around me" yet again]

Billy Mack: Oh! Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!

Billy Mack: When I was young and successful, I was greedy and foolish, and now I'm left with no one. Wrinkled and alone.

Mikey, DJ interviewer: How do you think the new record compares to your old classic stuff?

Billy Mack: Oh come on, Mikey, you know as well as I do the record's crap.

[laughs]

Billy Mack: But wouldn't it be great if Number One this Christmas wasn't some smug teenager, but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price? All those young popsters, come Christmas Day... they'll be stretched out naked with a cute bird balancing on their balls, and I'll be stuck in some dingy flat with me manager, Joe, ugliest man in the world, fucking miserable because our fucking gamble didn't pay off. So if you believe in Father Christmas, children, like your Uncle Billy does, buy my festering turd of a record. And particularly enjoy the incredible crassness of the moment when we try to squeeze an extra syllable into the fourth line.

Mikey, DJ interviewer: I think you're referring to 'If you really love Christmas... '

Billy Mack: 'Come on and let it snow...?' Ouch!

Mikey, DJ interviewer: So, uh, here it is one more time, the dark horse for this year's Christmas Number One, 'Christmas Is All Around.' Thank you, Billy. After this, the news. Is the new prime minister in trouble already?

Billy Mack: Let's get pissed and watch porn.

[Billy's record makes #1]

Radio 1 chart show DJ: Hi, Billy!

Billy Mack: Hello.

Radio 1 chart show DJ: We're live across the nation, and you're number one!

[Billy laughs]

Radio 1 chart show DJ: How will you be celebrating?

Billy Mack: I don't know. Er, either I could behave like a real rock-and-roll loser, and get drunk with my fat manager, or when I hang up I'll be flooded by invitations to a large number of glamorous parties.

[cheers]

Radio 1 chart show DJ: Let's hope it's the latter. And here it is, Number One from Billy Mack, it's "Christmas Is All Around."

Billy Mack: Oh, Jesus, not that crap again!

[laughter]

[Billy's record makes #1 at Christmas; he gets a phone call]

Billy Mack: Hello? Elton! Of course. Of, of course! Send an embarrassingly big car and I'll be there!

Parky: This must be a very exciting moment for you, fighting for the Christmas Number One. How's it looking so far?

Billy Mack: Very bad indeed... Blue are outselling me five to one. But I'm hoping for a late surge. And if I reach Number One, I promise to sing the song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve.

Parky: Do you mean that?

Billy Mack: Well of course I mean it, Michael. Do you want a preview, you old flirt?

[stands in front of Parky and flashes at him]

Parky: *That'll* never make Number One!

Dec: Billy, I understand you've got a prize for our competition winners.

Billy Mack: Yes I have, Ant or Dec. It's a - it's a personalized felt tip pen.