Billy Quotes in The Fifth Element (1997)


Billy Quotes:

  • [first lines]

    Omar: [whispers to sleeping Aziz] Aziz! Aziz!

    Professor Pacoli: [shouts] Aziz! Light!

    [Aziz wakes up with a start]

    Billy: "Aziz! Light!"

  • Billy: When is this "Snake" act supposed to occur?

    Professor Pacoli: Well, if this is the five and this is the one...

    [counting under his breath]

    Professor Pacoli: Every 5,000 years.

    Billy: So I've got some time then.

  • Billy: I'm scared Poncho.

    Poncho: Bullshit. You ain't afraid of no man.

    Billy: There's something out there waiting for us, and it ain't no man. We're all gonna die.

  • Dutch: He came to get the body. He's killing us one at a time.

    Billy: Like a hunter.

    Dutch: [looks up in awareness] He's using the trees.

  • Dutch: What's got Billy so spooked?

    Mac: Can't say, Major. Been actin' squirrelly all morning. That damned nose of his... it's weird.

    Dutch: What is it? Billy? What the hell is wrong with you?

    Billy: There's something in those trees.

    Dutch: Do you see anything?

    Billy: Up there ahead.

    Dutch: Nothing. What do you think?

    Billy: I guess it's nothing, Major.

  • Billy: I don't believe he did; I can't find a single track.

    Dutch: What about the rest of Hopper's men?

    Billy: There's no sign, sir. They never left here. Hell, it's like they just disappeared.

  • Billy: [looking at Pancho after being hit by a log] He's busted up pretty bad, Major.

    Poncho: [in pain] I can make it! I can make it.

  • Dutch: Hey Billy, give me a way out of this hole. Aerial says we are cut off.

    Billy: The only way outta here is that valley that leads to the east. But I wouldn't risk that on a broke-dick dog.

    Dutch: Not much choice.

  • Gooz: I got a girlfriend.

    Billy: ...That's great.

  • Billy: Man, I am one good-lookin' son-of-a-bitch... Don't you ever die.

  • Billy: [after trapping Logan & Jessica] Looks like we got a runner and his pair up. And look who decided to run.

  • Billy: You want me to break his fingers?

    Barillo: No. I want you to chop them off.

    Billy: I was making a joke.

    Barillo: I wasn't.

  • Billy: [Billy is meeting Blascoe at the Barillo Estate] You know, if I was you, son, I'd turn around and go back right now. Go back to where I came from. Instead of selling my mind and soul to these cocksuckers. You speak English?

    Blascoe: [Shakes his head no]

    Billy: [sighs] I didn't think so. Come on, let's go.

  • [Billy confronts Barillo in the President's Building]

    Jorge FBI: Do you remember a man named Archuleta?

    Barillo: Why?

    Billy: [Pulling his dog out from behind his back and stepping aside to reveal Jorge] I present to you Special Agent Jorge Ramirez.

    Jorge FBI: [drawing a gun] You tortured and murdered Agent Archuleta. He was my partner. He was also my friend.

    Barillo: Agent Ramirez. You have to follow certain rules...

    Jorge FBI: Oh, I'm retired. Rules don't apply to me any more than they do to you.

    Barillo: Mr. Chambers?

    Billy: [nonchalantly] Yes, sir?

    Barillo: You just going to stand there?

    Billy: I'm afraid anything but standing's going to cost you extra.

    Barillo: [Nods to Dr. Guevara, the reaches for his gun] You leave me no choice!

  • Billy: So what you realizing, Mamooli?

    Mamooli: Well, that my goal in life before I die is to make love to a woman from every country on Earth.

    Vivo: You come to my country I shoot your ass!

  • Vivo: [Trying to make T-Ray vomit] You know what I wanna eat? I'll take a couple of nice, greasy pig's feet, some pickled monkey brains and one of them big elephant eyeballs. Raw. So they pop when you bite into them.

    [Imitates popping and slurping]

    Billy: [Blows smoke into T-Rays face] Yummy.

    [T-Ray vomits again and Vivo high-fives Billy]

  • Joey: There's one of them at the end of the hall.

    Billy: Yeah?

    Joey: So we make some noise and we get him in here and then we jump him.

    Billy: Then what?

    Joey: Billy. He's got a fucking machine gun. With a fucking machine gun we can shred these fuckers.

    Jonathan: You know, this machine gun stuff must run in Mafia families.

  • Haru: I am sure you would like to know who I am and what I do, but as part of my creed, I cannot tell you. See my identity must remain mysterious and my mission secret, I cannot reveal it to you.

    Billy: Why not?

    Haru: Because I would then have to kill you.

    Billy: DADDY!

    [runs to his dad, frightened]

    Billy: Daddy, he said he's gonna kill me!

    Billy's Dad: [to Haru] What'd you say to my kid?

    Haru: I was merely relaying to him...

    [Billy's Dad punches him in the face]

  • Billy: [Sam listens to a tape recording of his deceased friend Billy] Hey Sam, this is me, Billy. I wish I could be there to split all that money with you, but I guess if you're listening to this then it's all yours now, right?

    [Billy chuckles a bit]

    Billy: Well, you deserve it, man. I mean... being in prison all that time because of me. Hey, I wonder which way I'm headed. Either way, up or down, I guess I got a 50-50 chance of meeting Elvis, huh? Ha ha. How do you like that suit I picked out for you? Anyhow, lay low and don't go getting into things the way you sometimes do. Oh, and Sam... I'm glad I knew you.

  • Linet: Everybody here made a conscious, adult decision to be here. To be with you. When you go crazy, you force them to rethink that decision. You've got to...

    Billy: Compromise.

    Linet: Change doesn't have to mean compromise. We're bigger now. Things are different. Christ, we've got an overhead.

    Billy: Publicity helps the overhead by bringing in more crowds, more suckerheaded American driftwood that can't tell the difference between me and Jim Jones, or Charles Manson, or the Great Wallenda. That kid... that kid thinks I'm Evel Knievel!

    Linet: That kid thinks you're Billy Davis! Sir William the Knight! You're his hero!

    Billy: I'm not trying to be a hero! I'm fighting the dragon!

  • Merlin: If I didn't believe in magic, I'd still be treating gall bladders, prostates and stuff like that. See, magic ain't got nothing to do with organs and glands and busted necks. Magic got to do with the soul, man. Only the soul's got destiny. It got wings. It's can fly. That's magic. The body? The body's just got a few minutes down here in the dirt with the rest of us.

    Billy: You see things before they happen.

    Merlin: That's probability. Some things is just sure to happen. Seeing em comin' ain't nothing to get excited about.

    Billy: No, you taught me too good, magician. You taught me to believe. That black bird's gonna get me.

  • Steve: [angry in the wake of Bagman's beating by local police, and Billy's refusal to consider promotion for the troupe] Dammit, Billy, you're all stone-broke most of the time. And you take in every damn longhair that knows how to make a pair of sandals, and you wanna pick up the Blue Cross tab? Do you have the slightest idea what gas is selling for, or two-by-fours, or hamburger or anything else?

    Billy: You think it's breaking up?

    Steve: It's money, Billy. It's all to do with money. Money makes the world go round, even your world.

    Billy: No, it's just getting too tough. It's tough to live by the code. I mean, it's real hard to live for something that you believe in. People try it and then they get tired of it, like they get tired of their... diets. Or exercise. Or their marriage. Or their kids, or their job, or themselves... or they get tired of their God. You can keep the money you make off this sick world, lawyer, I don't want any part of it. Anybody who wants to live more for themselves doesn't belong with us. Let them go out and buy some pimpy psychiatrist's paperback that says it's okay, don't ask me to say it's okay, it's NOT okay!

    Bagman: [breaking the awkward silence] Once, I was in a jail in Alabama, and I got my ass kicked, just like I did last night, only then it was because I was a nigger-lover.

    [Merlin begins playing his harmonica]

    Bagman: Well, I woke up in the morning, and I didn't even have energy enough to lick my wounds. I found out I'd given up. So I tried to kill myself. Tried to cut my wrists with a bedspring.


    Bagman: See, I'd found out that I'd given up on it all because of where I was, what was all around me. Well, last night I get my ass kicked, and I came up laughing. Because now, I'm in Camelot.

  • Billy: [waking a disoriented Bagman, who was asleep by the campfire] There's not two different fights, there can't be two different fights. You got to fight for your ideals, and if you die, your ideals don't die. The code that we're living by is the truth. The truth IS the code! I can't let people walk on that idea, I can't!

    [He rises, heads to the motorcycles]

    Steve: [waking as Billy starts his motorcycle] What the hell's going on?

    Merlin: [who has been watching silently all along] Billy's using your bike.

  • Billy: I had another dream.

    Merlin: That right?

    Billy: Black bird again. Same black bird

    Merlin: Way you get knocked around, you're bound to have some weird dreams, Billy.

  • Billy: [touching the butterfly on Merlin's head] Oh, my master... I love you. Goodbye.

  • Alan: My king. If you'll allow me, I will fight for you in defense of the crown. These others will challenge...

    [chuckles emotionally]

    Alan: Shit, I can't talk like that. Morgan's agreed to fight, and if you promise to sit on your ass and stay out of the way, there's still some of us that'll fight for you.

    Billy: [through his tears] All right.

  • Billy: [to Jo] This is the 90s. Sex isn't safe any more.

  • Billy: I stole cars at school. Take them over at break. Leave it parked outside the gates and at the end of the day I was the only kid to drive home. I was a fucking hero.

  • Billy: I know my rights. I watch L.A.Law.

    Police Inspector: Is that supposed to be funny?

    Billy: No, more like comedy-drama.

  • Billy: [to Jo] Oh shit, the police brought a fucking transit van to a car chase.

  • Mrs. Taylor: to Monkey: Where the fuck are you going?

    Monkey: Sunday School.

    Mrs. Taylor: You little fucker, you be back by twelve!

    Billy: Bye Mrs Taylor!

    Mrs. Taylor: Fuck off!

    Billy: to Monkey: Nice woman your mother.

  • George: Billy, Billy, Billy they're... they're calling for backup.

    Billy: Wait, wait wait. What the fuck did you just call me? Did you just use my fucking name?

    George: When?

    Billy: Am I gonna go crazy here or he just fucking used my name?

    Cafe Manager: He just fucking used you're name.

    Billy: You just used my fuckin' name! You idiot! You fuckin' mo... Wait, wait did I call you an idiot? I'm sorry... GEORGE! I'm sorry.

  • Billy: Hey George, could you come in here and make things worse?

  • George: I decide to check it out, so I went to the library, and it turns out that Pinocchio is a liar.

    Billy: Yeah. That's why his nose grew.

    George: You went too?

    Billy: No, I've just spent a lot of time in the library.

    George: Really. Which one, 'cause like uh, I've been on day trips to just about every one.

    Billy: Harvard School of Law.

    George: Really? Is that downtown?

  • Billy: Hey George, your girlfriend's a heroin addict...

    George: No she's not. She's Cleopatra.

  • Billy: I'll tell you what. I'll give you a choice. You play me in chess or you box El Angelito.

    Hector: Okay. I'll box El Angelito. W-w-wait, uh, who is El Angelito?

  • Billy: Only thing guaranteed in life's a hangover, kid.

  • Billy: The old guys - Joe Louis, Jack Dempsey, Ray Robinson, Rocky Marciano, Muhammad Ali - you know what set those guys apart from the rest of the boxing world? Brains. A chump don't become champ without 'em.

  • Billy: Any piece of meat can fight, kid. Boxing is thinking. You gotta read the other guy like a chessboard. Always think two, three moves ahead of you.

  • Hector: I wanna take on Robert and you can get me there, right?

    Billy: [laughs] That's powerful ambitious, right there! That's just this side of stupid!

  • [Without warning, Billy slaps Hector hard across the face]

    Hector: [incredulous] What'd you do that for?

    Billy: [flatly and without blinking] A wasp.

  • Billy: This fighter has all the speed you're gonna have to deal with with Robert.

    Hector: [espying his latest opponent] I ain't fighin' no girl. Come on!

    Billy: Yes, you are.

    Hector: Whadda ya want me to kiss her or something?

    Billy: I don't care what you do with her - after you spar with her.

  • [while playing chess, Billy slaps Hector hard across the face without warning]

    Hector: [incredulous] What the hell was that?

    Billy: The wasp again.

    Hector: I didn't hear no wasp.

    Billy: What, do you want me to let him sting you? Huh?

  • [Still playing chess, Billy slaps Hector hard across the face without warning]

    Hector: What the fuck?

    Billy: Look, you've got to think under pressure. You've got to learn to concentrate when you're gettin' clobbered from all sides.


  • Billy: [comes out with a shotgun in hand and is startled to see Digital Man messing with his satellite dish] What the hell are you doing?!

    Digital Man: [identifies Billy as a civilian and goes to "civilian mode"] I must use this uplink to transmit launch code data, with your assistance. Your connection will be temporarily cut off for this process. Thank you. Have a nice day.

    Billy: [puzzled] Huh? I ain't assisting you with nothing, ya' crazy bastard, now get ya' damn hands off my satellite dish.

    Digital Man: I must transmit launch codes. I will use force to complete my mission. Please, withdraw your weapon.

    Billy: Withdraw? I say "kiss my ass, you son of a bitch"!

    [fires a shot at Digital Man, which bounces off of his armor]

  • Billy: Lailayillathe Majnu illa... Majnuvillathe Laila illa... Randum orumichillell... Oru roopa polum vilayilla...

  • Wes: Sheriff!

    Sheriff: Yessir.

    [indicates a wanted poster depicting hooded bandits]

    Wes: Who are they?

    Sheriff: Not much to know about them 'cept for their hoods. They've been robbing banks all across the state of Texas since the war.

    Wes: Well, they hit Twin Forks a couple days back.

    Jack: Yeah, Sam Sheppard's dead, Ben.

    Wes: They killed him and his whole posse.

    Sheriff: [grimacing] Damn! They're good.

    Wes: I figure if they ain't here yet, they're comin'.

    Sheriff: You boys got any good news for me?

    Billy: Well, hell, Sheriff - we're here!

  • Jack: So, Wes... do you think there's any chance in hell she's gonna let you take her in?

    Syl: Well, she coulda killed him... She didn't.

    Jack: If I go after her again, she's gonna have to kill me.

    Syl: Well then, why go after her?

    Wes: I gotta see this thing through. How we end it's up to her. You don't have to come along, Syl... Any of ya.

    Syl: No, I'm comin'. I have to.

    Jack: Me?

    Wes: Yeah.

    Jack: Well, I had to kill a fifteen-year-old girl. Even if I never understand why I had to do that, I still got to look her mother in the eye.

    Wes: Billy?

    Billy: They're outlaws... no different from Packer and his crowd. Hell, we went after them for a lot less reason.

    Wes: All right then.

  • Sheriff Ike Slayton: Brilliant plan, Colonel. Slaughter your own men, hand over more weapons to the convicts, maybe kill a few hostages along the way! What's your next masterplan? Nuke the town?

    Johnson: You're the one on the squad radio? Who the hell do you think you are, mister?

    Sheriff Ike Slayton: I'm a guy with a wife back in that town, you dumb son of a bitch!

    Billy: Save your breath, he can't hear you. Assholes don't have ears.

    Johnson: Ya know, you two have a serious attitude problem!

  • Sheriff Ike Slayton: Now I'm just gonna ask you one more time. Where did he take the hostages?

    Smitty: Why don't you eat shit and die?

    Sheriff Ike Slayton: That was rude, Smitty! Don't you think, Billy?

    Billy: Extremely rude!

  • [Ike has a crossbow]

    Billy: You know how to use that thing?

    Sheriff Ike Slayton: My mother was fullblooded Cherokee, it's in the genes.

    Billy: Allright Cochise.

  • Billy: Hey son.

    Jacob Black: What's going on?

    Billy: Bella called him.

    Charlie Swan: Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. You okay?

    Jacob Black: So you finally heard from Bella?

    Charlie Swan: They're extending their trip. Seems she caught a bug. They wanna wait until she feels better before they travel.

    Jacob Black: She's sick.

    Charlie Swan: Yeah, she told me not to worry but she sounded. I don't know, off.

    Sue Clearwater: She'll be okay, Charlie. Come on, let's eat.

    Billy: [stops Jacob] Jacob, let it go.

  • Billy: I don't care what he's done. He's still my son.

    Sam Uley: I'm sorry, Billy. I just thought you should know.

    [Paul whispers to Sam]

    Sam Uley: Bella's Dead. It killed her.

    [to pack]

    Sam Uley: Let's go!

  • Seth: Hey man! It's nice to see you.

    [shakes Edward's hand]

    Seth: I'm happy for you.

    Edward Cullen: Thank you.

    Billy: I hope you'll be happy, Bella.

    Bella Swan: Thank you, Billy. Have you heard from him?

    Billy: I'm sure Jake wishes you the best.

  • George Hanson: You know, this used to be a helluva good country. I can't understand what's gone wrong with it.

    Billy: Man, everybody got chicken, that's what happened. Hey, we can't even get into like, a second-rate hotel, I mean, a second-rate motel, you dig? They think we're gonna cut their throat or somethin'. They're scared, man.

    George Hanson: They're not scared of you. They're scared of what you represent to 'em.

    Billy: Hey, man. All we represent to them, man, is somebody who needs a haircut.

    George Hanson: Oh, no. What you represent to them is freedom.

    Billy: What the hell is wrong with freedom? That's what it's all about.

    George Hanson: Oh, yeah, that's right. That's what's it's all about, all right. But talkin' about it and bein' it, that's two different things. I mean, it's real hard to be free when you are bought and sold in the marketplace. Of course, don't ever tell anybody that they're not free, 'cause then they're gonna get real busy killin' and maimin' to prove to you that they are. Oh, yeah, they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom. But they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em.

    Billy: Well, it don't make 'em runnin' scared.

    George Hanson: No, it makes 'em dangerous. Buh, neh! Neh! Neh! Neh! Swamp!

  • Billy: Where ya from man?

    Stranger on the Highway: Hard to say.

  • Billy: [while smoking a Joint] Oh wow! What? Who's that man? What the hell was that, man?

    Captain America: Huh?

    Billy: [nervous] No, man, like hey, man. Wow. I was watching this object man, li-like the satellite that we saw the other night, right? And, like, it was going right across the sky, man, and then... I mean it just suddenly, uh, it just changed direction and went whizzin right off, man. It flashed...

    Captain America: [interupting him] You're stoned out of your mind, man.

  • Billy: We did it, man. We did it, we did it. We're rich, man. We're retirin' in Florida now, mister.

    Captain America: You know Billy, we blew it.

  • Stranger on the highway: I'm from the city... Doesn't matter what city; all cities are alike.

    Billy: Well, why'd you mention it then?

    Stranger on the highway: 'Cause I'm FROM the city; a long WAY from the city, and that's where I wanna be right now.

  • Billy: [after being flaked off by a motel manager] You asshole!

  • Billy: [while Julian is washing his back] So, what brought you out west, Julian?

    Julian Rogers: Oh, the men. I heard it was just plumb full of them.

    Billy: Men?


    Billy: Oh, because men read more books than women.

    Julian Rogers: Uh, yeah.

  • Billy: [after Julian finishes with his back] Thanks a lot.

    [turns around, notices Julian's hard-on]

    Billy: Wow, Julian. Look at you. Did you see a mermaid?

    [Julian blushes and giggles]

    Billy: Man, cold water usually has the opposite effect on me.

  • Billy: Oh, be in it. The girls go wild over a uniform.

    Barney: Yeah?

    Billy: In your case I don't think anything would help but you might as well give it a go.

  • Harry Whitney: Billy, we grew up together!

    Billy: I didn't like you then either!

  • Billy: You'll never get away with this, you Martian!

  • Vern: Hey, old pirate.

    Gus: Old pirate?

    Vern: How about it, friend? $10 a go!

    Gus: A-a... No, thanks, really.

    Vern: Come on! It could be your lucky day.

    Billy: New contest, over here!

    Gus: Look, I really do not want to do this.

    Vern: Come here. I'll tell you what. I'll let you win a couple of times if you start losing too much, okay?

    Gus: Look, I said, "No". N-O, no, all right?

    Vern: You sure now?

    Gus: [views that Jerry comes into bar] Wait, wait a minute. did you say $10 a shot?

    Vern: That's right.

    Gus: Okay, let's do it!

    Vern: You're on. Billy, you say, "when".

    Billy: When.

    Vern: [wins Gus and laughs]

    Gus: Again.

    Vern: Again. Again... Again.


    Billy: Down $20. Way to go, Vern.

    Vern: Again!

    Gus: I thought you said you were going to let me win a little.

    Vern: I lied.

    [wins Gus]

    Vern: Thirty!

    [wins Gus twice]

    Vern: Fifty!

    Gus: $50, hold on!

    Vern: Okay!

    Gus: No, no! I mean, stop, no more game, forget it!

  • June Carter: I gotta tell you, I can't sing tonight. I got the laryngitis.

    [Crowd laughs]

    June Carter: Y'all laughin, but I do.

    Billy: We just heard you hollerin up a storm back there.

    June Carter: Well, I didn't have it then, Billy.

  • Billy: Ol' Pat... Sheriff Pat Garrett. Sold out to the Santa Fe ring. How does it feel?

    Garrett: It feels like... times have changed.

    Billy: Times, maybe. Not me.

  • Billy: [after firing a coachgun loaded with 10 cents coins at Deputy Bob Ollinger] Keep change, Bob!

  • Billy: [to the man whose horse he's stolen after breaking out of jail and killing Deputy Sheriff Bob Ollinger with a shotgun loaded with 16 silver dimes, after the man complains about being reimbursed for the animal] "There's a buck-sixty in old Bob if you can dig it out."

  • Billy: [Billy aims a shotgun at Ollinger] How's Jesus look to you now, Bob?

  • Billy: I sure never figured on you taking on the badge.

    Alamosa Bill: Didn't figure on it myself. I was just in town being sociable. Rode in from Seven Rivers to watch you hang. Garrett swore me in when you lit out.

  • Mr. Horrell: Just got through putting up that new cottonwood door. Used the old one for my son John. He got into a shooting with Olin Carroll. He's buried out yonder there.

    Billy: I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Horrell.

    Mr. Horrell: John was a good hand. Couldn't shoot, though.

  • Billy: Whatya takin' me in for?

    Garrett: [to Deputy Sheriff J.W. Bell] Which one was that?

    Deputy Sheriff J.W. Bell: Buckshot Roberts.

    Garrett: For the killing of Buckshot Roberts!

    Billy: [to his confederates] Hell, that was a year ago. I shot him straight up.

    Billy: [to Pat Garrett] Come on in Pat, I'll warm ya breakfast!

    Billy: [Billy's braggadocio is answered by a hail of gunfire] I guess he already had breakfast.

  • Billy: You're in poor company, Pat.

    Garrett: Yeah, but I'm alive.

    Billy: So am I...

  • Ollinger: On your knees.

    Billy: Kiss my ass!

    [Ollinger knocks Billy off his chair and puts a shotgun to his head]

    Ollinger: REPENT, you son of a bitch!

    Billy: Sweet Jesus, I repent!

  • Alamosa Bill: [Billy and Alamosa prepare to shoot it out] I don't suppose there's any other way we could work this out? Nah. Well, let's get to it. Ten steps?

    Billy: Suits me. You count 'em.

    [long pause]

    Billy: You ain't thought of another way, have you?

    Alamosa Bill: No, I can't come up with nothing.

    Billy: Get to it.

  • Billy: I remember this hill.

    Elliot Tiber: Like "remember" remember or "Vietnam flashback" remember?

  • [later Edith Keating to Billy]

    Edith: Jim's got roots here.

    Billy: I got a horse and the west is wide.

  • Jim 'Holy' Sherwood: On the level, Billy. You ought to get off the bottle.

    Billy: Bottle? I've never been drunk in my life.

    Jim 'Holy' Sherwood: I don't mean liquor. I mean another kind of bottle - excitement... phony adventure. It's no good, Billy.

  • Billy: Yeah, I'll play along, Hickey. You just keep four aces in the deck.

  • Dan Hickey: Left-handed, eh?

    Billy: I'm saving my right to shake hands with friends.

  • Billy: Don't he get a badge or something?

    Eric Keating: Well, he didn't give me a badge for him. But... wait... there's a United States eagle on this dollar. That's all you need!

  • Jim 'Holy' Sherwood: Don't you get fed up sometimes?

    Billy: Fed up with what?

    Jim 'Holy' Sherwood: Oh, rollin' around like a tumbleweed, being hunted, and never knowin' who's behind the next rock. I mean...

    Billy: I know what you mean. I like it!

  • Dan Hickey: Nobody quits my outfit and stays healthy!

    Billy: Which one of you guys wants to start making me unhealthy?

  • Dewey Finn: Now, what makes you mad more than anything in the world?

    [sees Billy who has his hand raised]

    Dewey Finn: Billy?

    Billy: You.

    Dewey Finn: Billy, we've already told me off. Let's move on.

    Billy: You're tacky and I hate you!

    Dewey Finn: Okay, you see me after class!

  • Billy: You're gonna talk to me about style? You can't even dress yourself... look at that bow tie.

    Dewey Finn: Don't you be talkin' about my bow tie.

  • Dewey Finn: Look, the first thing you do when you start a band is talk about your influences. That's how you figure out what kind of band you want to be. So who do you like? Blondie?

    Marta: Christina Aguilera.

    Dewey Finn: Who? No. Come on. What? You, Shortstop.

    Leonard: Puff Daddy.

    Dewey Finn: Wrong. Billy?

    Billy: Liza Minnelli?

  • Dewey Finn: [Assigning positions to the band members] Lead guitar... Zack Attack. On bass... Posh Spice. On keyboards, Mr. Cool. And on drums, Spazzy McGee. OK, Blondie, Brace Face, you're singing backup. All right, Tough Guy, Shortstop, Fancy Pants, get over here. You're on security detail.

    Billy: Can I be the band stylist instead?

    Dewey Finn: Of course you can, Fancy Pants. OK. Carrot Top, Roadrunner, Turkey Sub, we're gonna have a lot of equipment... And you three...

    [looking at the three tiny girls]

    Dewey Finn: groupies... As for me, I will be singing lead vocal and shredding guitar.

  • Harry Dunne: Where did you get those?

    Lloyd Christmas: I bought them when we filled up.

    Harry Dunne: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.

    Lloyd Christmas: This didn't come out of our travel fund.

    Harry Dunne: Oh.

    Lloyd Christmas: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.

    Harry Dunne: Where did you get 25 extra becks?

    Lloyd Christmas: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.

    Harry Dunne: The blind kid?

    Lloyd Christmas: Yeah! Ha ha!

    [Suddenly feels ashamed]

    Lloyd Christmas: Yeah.

    Harry Dunne: What did you sell him Lloyd?

    Lloyd Christmas: Stuff.

    Harry Dunne: What kinda stuff?

    Lloyd Christmas: I don't know, stuff. A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,


    Lloyd Christmas: Petey.

    Harry Dunne: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!

    Lloyd Christmas: Harry, I took care of it...

    [cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]

    Billy: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?

  • Young JoshBilly: The space goes down, down baby, down, down the roller coaster. Sweet, sweet baby, sweet, sweet, don't let me go. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. I met a girlfriend - a triscuit. She said, a triscuit - a biscuit. Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top. Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week. I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit. I'm cool. I'm hot. Sock me in the stomach three more times.

  • Josh: Will you please leave? I got a deadline to meet. Gosh.

    Billy: Who the fuck do you think you are ?

    Josh: HEY!

    Billy: You're Josh Baskin, remember? You broke your arm on my roof! You hid in MY basement when Robert Dyson was about to rip your head off!

    Josh: You don't get it, do you? This is important!

    Billy: I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh?

    [Turns to leave]

    Billy: And I'm three months older than you are, ASSHOLE!

  • Billy: [noticing a dingy hotel that says "St. James"] This one looks all right.

    Josh: No, it doesn't.

    Billy: St. James, Josh! It's religious.

  • Billy: So you got a job, where you play with all these toys.

    Josh: Yup!

    Billy: And they're gonna pay you for that!

    Josh: Yup!

    Billy: SUCKERS!

  • Josh: [looking around St. James hotel room] I can't sleep here.

    Billy: Maybe it's better if you don't

  • Billy: I'd use the chain if I were you.

  • [from trailer]

    Hans: An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.

    Billy: No, it doesn't. There'll be one guy left with one eye. How's the last blind guy gonna take out the eye of the last guy left?

  • [Marty Tells Vietnamese psychopath story]

    Billy: That's a great fuckin' psychopath Marty!

    Marty: [sighs] Yeah... But it's not what I wanna really be writin' about anymore.

    Billy: [pauses to think] Hey new idea how 'bout we change the title from The Seven Psychopaths to The Seven Lesbians Who Are All Disabled And Have Overcome All Their Spazzy Shit And Are Really Nice to Everybody And Two of Them Are Black. How 'bout that?

  • Hans: An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, I believe that wholeheartedly.

    Billy: No it doesn't. There'll be one guy left with one eye. Hows the last blind guy gonna take out the eye of the last guy left, who's still got one eye! All that guy has to do is run away and hide behind a bush. Gandhi was wrong, it's just that nobody's got the balls to come right out and say it.

  • Marty: I don't have a drinking problem. I just like drinking.

    Billy: Of course you do, Marty. One: You're a writer. Two: You're from Ireland. It's part of your heritage. You're fucked!

  • Marty: How are you ever gonna get a job, Billy, if you break the director guy's nose before you even got the part?

    Billy: I didn't mean to break his nose. His nose was just in the middle of where I was punching.

  • Billy: Five... Four... Three... Two...

    Charlie: Wait! Please go back to five. Please...

    Billy: I'm not going back to five, man. I'm not going back to five. Five...

  • Billy: You can't let the animals die in a movie... only the women.

  • Billy: Okay, here we go. Exterior. Cemetery. Night. The shoot-out. Yeah! The Jack O' Diamonds is waiting there with Bonny, and he's arranged to give him back and have this whole thing end because all he really wants is peace. You know, like Gandhi or Jesus or that other guy. Anyway, he's waiting there for the Mafia boss, who's agreed to show up alone and unarmed. But, yeah, guess what?

    Marty: Wait, wait a minute. Surely he knows that the Mafia boss is a psycho? Why would he believe he'd show up alone and unarmed? You know?

    Billy: Yeah. Exactly! Maybe the Jack O' Diamonds was expecting to get double-crossed because he just happens to have brought a couple of friends along. Suddenly, from out of every fucking grave burst the seven psychopaths, a gun in every hand. Flamethrower! Who the fuck is that? It's the Vietcong guy. He was hiding up a tree. You!

    [Points to Marty]

    Billy: You're there, but you're just there to observe, and that's all right. Nobody thinks you're a pussy. But it's started raining now. Lightning. And oh, no, look who's wandered in like a fucking idiot. It's Kaya. She's come to say sorry to you, and she loves you, and that she didn't mean to be such a fucking bitch. You scream out, "Kaya! Stay back!" Too late, she's fucking mown down. Fucking mown down! Her head almost comes off. Her head does come off. You scream out her name, all sad, and she dies. You throw your notepad away. Art and peace and all that shit can wait! Now's the time for men to be men! "Fuck you, you cunts!" It's really emotional. And then... Hold on. Yeah... The black chick from the serial killer killers. She fought good, but she's the next to croak. Zachariah dies, too. He buys it. Dies in her arms. And they die and they're old and mental, and so much in love. You know, it's really sad. But his rabbit gets away, though, because you can't let the animals die in a movie. Just the women. Anyway, guns, guns, guns! Blam, blam, blam. The Vietcong gets hit. Then he dies, and he never even had a fucking name, and he's so good. With his dying move, he throws his nunchakus and he kills two of the bastards.

    Hans: Nunchakus are Japanese.

    Billy: [Ignores this] So the only ones left are you and Hans. Peace is for queers. And now you're gonna die. But the Jack O' Diamonds isn't dead at all. He was just a bit injured and he had a fucking crossbow up his sleeve. That's not enough, so he pulls out a shotgun. Goodbye. And as the Jack O' Diamonds dies in their arms, he whispers, "We did good, we did good, didn't we, Marty?" And through your tears, you say, "Ah, bejesus, Jack, "we did more than good. We did grand." Jack says, "All I ever wanted was to be your friend. Marty, I'm your friend now, ain't I?" And you say, "Ah, bejesus, sure, you're me best friend, Jack. "You're me best friend." And then the Jack O' Diamonds dies. And as his soul leaves his body to go dance with the angels, we pan up over the blood-strewn cemetery and off into the pretty blue skies of dawn. Skies blue enough to suggest that maybe there can be peace one day in this troubled but beautiful world. Maybe there can be peace because that would be good!

  • Billy: How's the Seven Psychopaths coming, Marty?

    Marty: Slow, slow. I've got the title, y'know... just haven't been able to come up with all the psychopaths yet.

    Billy: How many you got?

    Marty: One. And he ain't really much of a psychopath. He's more of a... kind of a Buddhist.

    Billy: A Buddhist?

    Marty: Yeah, I'm sick of all these stereotypical Hollywood murderer scumbag type psychopath movies. I don't want it to be one more film about guys with guns in their hands. I want it... overall... to be about love... and peace. But it still has to be about these seven psychopaths, so this Buddhist psychopath, he... he doesn't believe in violence. I don't know what the fuck he's going to do in the movie.

  • Billy: Is that a guinea pig? It's a gerbil, isn't it? That's enormous. Hey, Marty, we just seen some kind of giant gerbil.

    [Marty punches Billy]

    Billy: Marty, you alcoholic fucking bastard.

    Hans: Yeah, you might wanna stop drinking, Martin, if this is the way you're gonna behave.

    Marty: If this is the way I'm gonna... This guy just telephoned a psycho-killer to come down and psycho-kill us. And this guy's doubting a lifelong belief in the afterlife because of a psychedelic cactus he just ate. And you motherfuckers are telling me to behave?

    Billy: Whoa. Whoa. Time out. What's all this about doubting a lifelong belief in the afterlife because of a psychedelic cactus you just ate? Hans, what the heck?

    Hans: I met Myra. On the ridge. She had some things to say.

    Billy: About the afterlife being non-existent or something?

    Hans: That was the gist.

    Billy: No, no, it might have sounded like Myra. But you know why? Now don't get mad, but you know I can do Myra's voice pretty good. Yeah, I snuck up there a little while ago and I pretended to be her. I started saying all kinds of crazy stuff.

    Hans: Hmm? But what specifically did you say? About the place you were in? The place Myra was in. Huh? How did you describe it, specifically?

    Billy: You mean specifically?

    Hans: Yeah.

    Billy: I just kind of said it was all kind of... I just kind of said it was all kind of gray and shit.

    Hans: No.

  • Billy: You're fucked from birth. The Spanish got bullfighting. The French got cheese. And the Irish have alcoholism.

    Marty: And what do the Americans have?

    Billy: Tolerance.

  • Billy: Hiya Kaya!

  • Billy: [to Marty] Are you out of your alcoholic fucking mind?

  • Billy: What the hell happened?

    Marty: Some punks jumped us. Said they were looking for a little shih tzu. Then some other punk killed those punks.

    Billy: I've only been gone 10 fucking minutes!

  • Billy: [Marty is reading Billy's journal] Monday the 14th. Sat watching the shadow of the neighbor's flagpole across my lawn again from 7:00 in the morning to 7:00 in the evening. That's 11 hours. They've got a right to y a flag, don't they? Note to self, do not set fire to the neighbor's flag.

    [See charred flag out the window]

  • Marty: It's impossible for someone's head to actually explode, isn't it? When it gets shot.

    Billy: No, no, it's possible. If the person's head was made out of explosives, it's possible.

  • Billy: Where's your guns?

    Charlie: You said don't bring none, so I didn't bring none.

    Billy: You didn't bring a gun to the final shoot-out?

  • Billy: He's a proper Christian. A proper old-time Christian. Not like these Fox News fucks.

  • Billy: This is kind of like that window of time when you're waiting in the waiting room of the VD clinic, isn't it? For the door to open and the doctor to come out and say, "Billy, you're good to go." Or, "Billy, you've got VD." Or chlamydia or whatever.

  • Marty: I don't remember doing anything to piss her off.

    Billy: Don't worry about it. She's probably pissed at you not for anything specific, more because she's a fucking bitch.

    Marty: She's not a fucking bitch, Billy. She's just got issues.

    Billy: Yeah, she's got issues. She's got "being a fucking bitch" issues.

  • Billy: Now don't get mad.

    Marty: What the hell did you do?

    Billy: I set the car on fire.

    Marty: How the hell are we supposed to get home? We're in the middle of the fucking desert, Billy.

    Billy: Yeah, that's the least of our worries.

    Marty: What else did you do?

    Billy: I'll give you a clue. Come on in. So, yeah, I just called up old Charlie Costello and I told him where we were and to come down and get his dog back and said if he had any trouble finding us, just look for a Buick on fire. But I did tell him to promise to come alone and unarmed, and he said he would. And he'll be here in a couple of hours, depending on traffic.

  • Marty: Are you pissed at me, baby?

    Kaya: Why would I be pissed at you, Marty?

    Billy: [Kaya brushes past Billy and slams the door as she leaves] Because you're a cunt?

    Marty: [warningly] Billy!

  • Marty: You know what I think the movie should be? The first half should be a perfect setup for an out-and-out revenge flick. Violence. Guns. All the usual bullshit. And then... The lead characters should just walk away. They should just drive off into the desert and pitch a tent somewhere and just talk for the rest of the frigging movie. No shoot-outs, no pay-offs. Just human beings talking.

    Billy: What, are we making French movies now? That sounds like the stupidest ending. No shoot-outs? That sounds like the stupidest ending I've ever fucking... NO SHOOT-OUTS?

    Marty: No?

    Billy: NO!

  • Billy: It's a kidnapped dog. You don't just give back a kidnapped dog. Defeats the entire object of the kidnapping. They didn't just give Patty Hearst back, did they? No, this dog is my Patty Hearst. Except I ain't gonna keep it in a closet and make it rob a bank. No, I'm gonna hold on to it until your asshole boyfriend starts behaving like a decent human being and gives me a bunch of money.

  • Marty: Sorry for hitting you in the face so hard.

    Billy: That's all right. It was a pretty good punch, for a pacifist.

  • Marty: You shot him in the back?

    Billy: Of course I shot him in the back I was going for his spine.

  • Billy: Now I've labeled these guns up for you, but you don't have to use them and I won't think that you are pussies, but I am gonna hang on to mine. I think we've done enough of this talking about peace in the desert type stuff. Don't you? I do. This movie ends my way.

  • Jessica (Clive): [on the phone to Billy after becoming a man] I should have made love to you when I had the chance.

    Billy: Father Mulcahy?

  • [Billy encounters Clive as himself working as a squeegee person]

    Clive Maxtone: [recognizing Billy] Bobby! You got forty dollars for me, Bobby!

    Billy: [recognizing Clive] AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

    Clive Maxtone: DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?

    [Billy runs Clive over]

  • Jessica (Clive): [whistles] Scoot, he's mine.

    Bianca: Boy I don't think so!

    [she head butts her]

    Billy: Get away!

  • Lloyd Christmas: [Lloyd meets the now adult Billy 4C for the first time in 20 years] Hey Billy! I hear you got a lot of flockin' birds!

    Billy: Is that you, Lloyd?

    Lloyd Christmas: Very good. I didn't think you'd recognize me after all these years. So what you been up to, buddy boy? Seen any good movies lately?

    [Harry nudges him]

    Lloyd Christmas: I mean, you know, like, on the radio?

    Billy: [Lloyd feeds some of Billy's parrots candy] What was that? Did you just feed them something?

    Lloyd Christmas: Relax. Just a little candy.

    Billy: You can't feed candy to birds! They're stomachs'll explode!

    Lloyd Christmas: Even if it's just a few Pop Rocks?

    Billy: Are you crazy? Pick those up! Pick 'em up!

    Lloyd Christmas: All right, all right! Sheesh. Well, nice catching up. See you later.

    Billy: Not If I see you first!

    Lloyd Christmas: Ha-ha! Good one!

    Billy: No, no, no. It's okay, Siskel. Daddy's not going to let them get anywhere near you.

    Lloyd ChristmasHarry Dunne: [Together at once] BOOGA!

    [the pair frighten Billy]

    Lloyd Christmas: See? I told you that hearing thing was a wives' tail.

  • Tommy Turner: Jesus Christ! It's the mother lode.

    Billy: I never seen so much wool. You could knit a sweater.

    Tommy Turner: This has gotta be the biggest beaver shoot in the history of Florida.

  • Billy: [trying to warn Pee Wee about Cherry Forever] She's married to some big black stud and he's gonna cut your pecker off.

    Tommy Turner: Yeah, I hear he's packing tweezers.

  • Billy: Cherry, this is Pee Wee.

    Cherry Forever: I'll say. What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band?

    [laughter from the other guys]

    Cherry Forever: [to Billy] You know we'd better tie a board across his ass, or he's liable to fall in.

    [more laughter in background]

    Cherry Forever: [to Pee Wee] Save your energy, needle dick. You're gonna need it.

    Pee Wee Morris: [giggling] OK.

  • Pee Wee Morris: All I need is a watermelon and two jelly donuts!

    Billy: That's it. I am not taking a shower with you.

    [Billy and the other guys get up and leave]

    Pee Wee Morris: Religious fanatics.

  • Tommy Turner: [to the rest of the guys at Cherry Forever's house] Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off.

    Tim: Wait. What's this bullshit?

    Billy: She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD.

    Steve: How's she going to tell that by looking at us?

    Tommy Turner: She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor.

    Tim: Yeah, and who's going to inspect her?

    [murmurs of agreement from the rest of the guys]

    Billy: Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate?

    Pee Wee Morris: Okay, I'm ready!

    [they turn to see Pee-Wee wasted no time stripping down, then laughter of all kinds go through the crowd, which Pee-Wee ignores]

    Pee Wee Morris: I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.

  • Billy: All right. Now remember, any sign of guns and we're gone, okay?

    [Porky, with a couple of bouncers, storms out the strip joint holding a bat]

    Pee Wee Morris: Yo, Billy.

    Porky: Where are these five little virgins who think they reached manhood? You wanna tangle ass with me? Come up here, you sawed-off punk! I'll educate ya! I'll wrap this right around your damn neck! Come on, move it!

    Billy: [taunts Porky] Boy, boy, Porky. You know, we're really scared. I guess we better go now.

    Porky: You better be. Go on, get your ass on home!

    Billy: I hope shit floats!

    Porky: You'll float if I ever catch you around here again, you little shit!

  • [Porky, his bouncers, the bartender, and one of his strippers are chatting amongst themselves; Billy enters the bar]

    Billy: [yells] Soo-ee! Soo! Soo-soo-soo-ee!

    Bartender: What the hell is that?

    Billy: I wanna see Porky.

    Bartender: Who wants to see Porky?

    Billy: Tell him the boys from Angel Beach are here. Tell him to bring the best he's got and meet us in the parking lot. Now!

    [Porky and the gang laughs as Billy leaves the bar]

    Bartender: Do you believe that? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.


    Bartender: Oh, Porky! The boys from Angel Beach are here!

  • [the gang are at the Deadbeats drive-in restaurant getting their food and drinks]

    Billy: The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks.

    Tommy Turner: This is just the kind of thing you write off.

    Pee Wee Morris: [hands Tommy the receipt] Here you go.

    Tommy Turner: Again?

    Pee Wee Morris: I got it last time.

    Tommy Turner: [pays the waitress] Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers.

    Mickey: I'm going back to get that pig.

    Meat: Yeah right, Mick.

    Mickey: [throws his hamburger in a fit] Yeah, Meat!

  • Billy: I'm getting married.

    Archie: What?

    Sam: Wow!

    Archie: To that young lady who's half your age?

    Billy: She's almost 32.

    Archie: Billy, I have a hemorrhoid that's almost 32!

    Billy: Look, Archie, by the time she's my age, okay, I'll be...

    Archie: Dead. You'll be dead, Billy.

  • Billy: I'm old. You know? And without her, I'm just scared of being old.


    Billy: We were 17, you now, five minutes ago. It was just yesterday. I just don't know where it all went, you know? My brain cannot conceive how old this body is.

  • Billy: Why every time the phone rings you think somebody is dying.

    Sam: I live in Florida now, usually when the phone rings somebody IS dying.

  • Archie: We're all here to celebrate Billy marrying an infant.

    Billy: She's not an infant.

  • Diana: You know, you are not as charming as you think you are.

    Billy: Well, no one could be, quite frankly.

  • Billy: [making an announcement] On behalf of Binion's, I'd like to apologize for the delay in the show, but, um, I'm really interested in the performer. She's the most amazing woman I ever met. And I just can't believe in two days that she's, you know, inside my heart.

    Billy: [whispering now to the audience] But I don't want her to know, because, you know, with gorgeous women, they like men that like to play hard-to-get.

  • Billy: Welcome to Las Vegas!

    Paddy: Relax, Gershon, it's not like you invented it.

  • [learning the band will be called "The Commitments"]

    Billy: The Commitments?

    Jimmy Rabbitte: It's a "the".

    Deco: How do you spell it?

    Jimmy Rabbitte: T-H-E.

  • Deco: [Bernie, Imelda and Natalie are rehearsing for their solo] If they're singing, then what am I supposed to do?

    Billy: You can sing along, you've bigger tits than all of them.

  • Deco: If I'm gonna front the band, I like the sound of "Deco."

    Billy: Deco the bus conductor. Is that "top-Deco" or "bottom-Deco"?

  • Imelda: He eats like a pig.

    Bernie: He's such a prick.

    Natalie: Hasn't got the voice of a pig though. Joey says it belongs to God.

    Billy: God should ask for it back.

  • Billy: And you... George Michael... you ever call me a fuckin' eejit again, you'll go home with the drumsticks stuck up your hole... the one you don't sing out of.

    Deco: That'll be the day.

    Billy: I'm tellin' ya it's coming, so keep your Vaseline handy.

  • Santa Claus: [to the next kid in line] Come on up on Santa's lap.

    [Kid sits]

    Santa Claus: Ahhh, here's a wet one. And what's your name little boy?

    Billy: Billy

    Santa Claus: And what do you want for Christmas, Billy? A toy truck?

    Santa Claus: [Billy starts crying] Get him off my lap and get my a towel.

    [Billy is pushed down the slide]

    Santa Claus: Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca.

  • Billy: You guys are ridiculous! I mean, I can't believe it! You don't even get laid in a whorehouse!

  • Billy: Sue Ann, would you care to dance with me?

    Sue Ann: [coldly] No, thank you.

    Billy: Then I suppose a blow job is just COMPLETELY out of the question.

  • Billy: [contemplating what to do with the money in the stolen ATM] First thing I'ma do... I'ma get me a tattoo. It gon' say, "Thug Nasty, Nasty Thug!"

  • J.D.: You lock yo' door?

    Billy: Yeah, man; I ain't stupid!

    J.D.: [Billy's sister walks into the room] Then why your sister in the room, man?

  • Ricky: We don't need reparations! We need restraint!

    Billy: "Restraint"?

    Ricky: "Restraint"! Some discipline! Don't go out and buy a Range Rover when you livin' with your mama! And pay your mama some rent! And can we please, please, *please* try and teach our kids something other than the "Chronic" album? And *please*, Black people, try and be on time for something other than free before eleven at the club!

  • [from trailer]

    Billy: What's your stripper's stage name?

    Adult bookstore clerk: Do I look like a stripper?

    Billy: I'll just call you Cinnamon.

  • Billy: [to moving truck crew after they helped load his grandmother's corpse into his grandpa's trunk] Thanks for the crime!

  • Billy: [to the grocery store employee] Sometimes he shits himself.

    Irving Zisman: [turns to Billy] I don't shit myself, you little prick!

  • Billy: [while pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street] You shouldn't drink so much.

    Irving Zisman: Pipe down!


    Irving Zisman: Oh, God...

    Billy: [keeps pushing the cart] Do you have any idea how heavy you are?

    Irving Zisman: [mumbling] Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?

  • Billy: [after Irving defecates on the restaurant wall] EW, GRANDPA, YOU *SHARTED*!

  • Irving Zisman: [about a girl Billy knew] Was she your girlfriend?

    Billy: Yeah...

    Irving Zisman: How long did you go out with her?

    Billy: A day.

    Irving Zisman: [bursts out laughing] A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!

  • [first lines]

    Billy: [at the law office] You know what I wanna be when I grow up?

    Lady: What?

    Billy: A fisherman. I want to go fishing everyday 'till I'm rich so I can move right next to the jailhouse so I can be close to my mommy. She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.

    Lady: I'm sorry to hear that.

    [gives Billy an awkward look]

  • Billy: [about his grandma] She passed away.

    Woman: [gently] Oh dear, that's very sad.

    Irving Zisman: Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.

    Woman: [gasps] Jeez. My goodness!

    Irving Zisman: Well, gotta call a spade a spade.

  • Billy: [to a random man on the street] You're my dad. High five, Dad!

  • Billy: You scratched my CD! You picked it up in pure daylight and you scratched it!

  • Billy: SCRATCH! SCRAAAAAAAAATCH! Oh my stars of the love of Liza. You scratch my C-D!

  • Billy: Thomas, get me some water. My throat is parched.

    Thomas: Do you want tap or Evian?

    Billy: I don't know. Surprise me.

  • [repeated line]

    Billy: Oh my-lanta!

  • Lynn Sheridan: [to David] Go away, asshole!

    Billy: [laughs] Lynn said A hole with S's!

  • Billy: Oh, Mylanta! You *are* my woman!

  • Billy: Nothing like two dudes and a dog making candles.

    Ned: Such a cliche.

  • Ned: [working with Billy in their new recycled candle shop] Anyway, what I was saying though, is that people recycle cans, they recycle papers, you know... why not, why not candles? I say, we put a bin out, let people bring their old drippings in their convenience.

    Billy: It's like those, those bags, that say - I used to be a plastic bottle. We can have a bin that say - I used to be another candle!

    Ned: That's a great idea. Yeah. And then when they bring those candles, we put them in another bin that say - I used to be another another candle.

    Billy: Yeah... and eventually we can just have one that say - "Trust me, I used to be a lot of candles!"

    Ned: [agreeing, amused by the idea] I was a ton... I used to be a lot of candles!

    Billy: [still revising his literary contribution] Trust me man... I have been other candles!

  • Billy: Do you think this is an ugly candle?

    Ned: No way, man. There's no such thing as an ugly homemade candle.

  • Ned: [looking for his dog Willy Nelson] Hey man, have you seen Willy Nelson?

    Billy: Oh, Yeah, definitely.

    Ned: When?

    Billy: [realizing what was actually asked] Oh you mean recently? I just meant, in general, I have seen him!

  • Billy: I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family.

  • Second Stripper: [about marriage] You?

    Billy: [shakes his head negatively] No marriage.

    Second Stripper: No girl?

    Billy: Not really. Just in love.

    Second Stripper: Does the girl know?

    Billy: Yeah, I told her about it.

    Second Stripper: Told her? Didn't you show her?

  • [Last lines]

    Billy: Someone should take care of you too.

  • Billy: Margot is convinced you're a lesbian.

    Miss Stevens: Excuse me.

    Billy: Sorry. That... wasn't appropriate.


    Billy: But you're... you're not, right?

    Miss Stevens: That is also inappropriate.

  • Miss Stevens: I can't walk away from you right now.

    Billy: Then I will.

  • Billy: He's not just singing, he's deliberately not stopping.

  • Woody: Your hurting my bike!

    Billy: I'm not hurting your bike. I can't hurt a person's bike!

    Woody: Well your shaking it and it's hitting my dilly dink!

    Billy: Don't say stuff like that!

    Woody: My dilly dink is my penis!

  • Billy: No mothers.

  • Billy: You're gonna see stuff today, Woody... and it's just normal stuff that big kids do, and big kids never tell their parents. Do ya understand?

  • Billy: Get away Erika, you big giant.

    [all the other guys make noises in the background, while Erika storms away, clearly upset]

  • Billy: [later after Billy called Erika a giant] Besides, we're friends.

    Erika: [next scene; from her window] Rat.

  • Mom: Come on! You gotta put on a clean shirt.

    Billy: WHAT!

  • Billy: I am so sure. They're gonna kill Spider-Man with plutonium? He's GOT radioactive blood!

  • Billy: Wood bats suck! Why do you think God invented aluminum?

  • Billy: Hey Ryan, Miles here thinks you have a nice pooper.

  • Ryan: She was fat?

    Billy: This girl had strings hanging from her the last time they steered her down the street.

  • Billy: So you mow her lawn, and now you're trying to mow her lawn?

  • Ryan: She was big huh?

    Billy: Yeah, she was fat and that ain't with a p-h kid!

  • Billy: [looks back at Miles's girlfriend] That is unhealthy...

    Miles: Can we not do this again?

    Billy: Domo, don't you think that's unhealthy?

    Mickey Dominguez: [shrugs shoulders]

    Billy: Wait, you think all sex is unhealthy. Never mind... What I'm sayin' is... Miles, these women are too big to be foolin' with... I'm afraid that in the heat of passion, one of 'em is gonna roll over on you... squash you dead!

  • Ryan: [angry at the umpire at the Hyannis game] Does his wife know he's screwin us?

    John Schiffner: All right, let's not have a meltdown...

    Billy: It's me...

    Ryan: What?

    Billy: Yeah, I don't think he appreciates me fartin' in his face all night... First it was accidental, now I'm tryin' to make him cry... and I'm pretty sure I just poo-pooed in my panties...

  • Mr. Haig: Here's your package, Billy. COD, nine dollars and ninety-nine cents. Mighty expensive for a toy ordered out of a funny paper.

    Billy: Creepshow is not a funny paper. And this is no toy.

    Mr. Haig: Well, what is it then?

    Billy: It's a Venus flytrap bulb!

    Mr. Haig: A Venus what-bulb?

    Billy: Venus flytrap. It's a plant that eats MEAT!

    [makes chomping-mouth gestures with his hands]


  • Billy: Gimme! Gimme it or else!

    Rhino: Or else what?

    Billy: You'll find out, pimple-face!

  • Billy: Dating's complicated in England.

    Steve: English birds ain't complicated. You buy 'em a Bacardi Breezer and they'll ride you like Sea Biscuit.

  • Steve: [Trousers round his ankles, urinating] Listen - now I know we're mates, but if you look at my cock one more time, I'm gonna kick off.

    Billy: What are you talking about? I have not once looked at your winkie!

  • Billy: You told, you told, now you die like me.

  • Billy: Wow, bodacious boobies, sis. You keep on going, you'll have to hire someone just to tie your shoes!

  • [Some patrons are harassing a waitress]

    Billy: You guys need to pay up and get out of here.

    Drunk: Who the hell are you?

    [Billy grabs the drunk by the hair and slams his face on the table]

    Billy: I'm an escaped mental patient with a history of violence.

  • Billy: Yeah, I got a big story for ya'; we came to town to see a ball game, and now they wanna give us the chair. I love New York. Bring your kids. Have 'em arrested. Do some time in The Big Apple.

  • Billy: You guys see Wolfen? They filmed it down here. You know, the movie about those gigantic wolves that come out at night. They eat people and rip their guts open, man, got kinda shit hangin' out of their mouths and stuff. And they would live for an hour or so, just lay there twitching and stuff. They filmed it here because this is exactlly where it happened. It's a true story.


  • Billy: Ah, it's great to be young and insane!

  • Henry: I'm the doctor until the doctor comes back!

    Billy: Okay, you be the doctor and I'll be the escaped mental patient, okay?

    [Kicks the van and walks off]

  • Henry: Does this mean we are actually leaving the hospital grounds?

    Billy: No, the Yankees are going to come here and play. There gonna throw some lights up in the rec room. What a stroker.

  • Billy: We gotta come up with $165, get the van and pull Weitzman out of the hospital before those two goddamn cops come back. Now how's that for a goal?

    Jack: Us? But we're crazy.

    Billy: Yeah? Well we better get sane real goddamn fast.

  • Billy: You see those two towers? World Trade Center. I was an architect working on them. First they just wanted to build one but I said, "Fellas, we're here. What the hell, throw the other one up". Turned out pretty well, didn't it?

    Henry: Fantasy.

  • Billy: Restaurant security. Just a minor utensil violation. Go ahead, enjoy your dinner.

  • Sergeant Vincente: You know what? You got the whole think back-ass-wards, I think you're the missing persons. Just go to 48th street and wait. The guy doesn't show, we're open 24 hours.

    [Answers phone]

    Sergeant Vincente: Hello, Vincente.

    Billy: We're not done!

    Sergeant Vincente: You're done, it's been a pleasure.

    Billy: Hey, we used to be tax payers!

    Sergeant Vincente: Now that will get my attention. You're not out of here in 30 seconds, you got a night in jail!

    Billy: What kind of bonehead cop would send four confessed mental patients back out in the streets?

  • Billy: Where the hell did you go to take that piss? Moscow?

  • Henry: 10 minutes and 47 seconds, Mr. Caufield. Boy, some patients make a therapist want to shake his head.

    [Billy kicks a chair out of the semi-circle and sits down]

    Henry: Straighten out that chair!

    Billy: Henry, imagine this: my chair is straight and all the other chairs are out of order. There's a real mind-bender for you there.

  • Henry: [Holds up the cupcake Albert had stolen] This is NOT okay.

    Dr. Weitzman: What's that?

    Henry: This is Brian's cupcake. Every day an innocent man is deprived of his dessertwhile we sit here and do nothing.

    Billy: [sarcastically] Ooh, you could do some time for that, Big Al. Ooh! Brian's cupcake. Doc, I say we drag him outside and beat the shit out of him.

    Dr. Weitzman: Guys, guys, Brian isn't complaining so let's just drop it, alright? Don't worry about the cupcake, Albert.

  • Guard: Come on, you're breaking my heart.

    Billy: You're busting my balls.

  • Henry: Hey guys, time for a hug?

    Jack: I don't think so.

    Billy: Maybe after the game.

    Albert: Play ball!

  • Dr. Weitzman: Hey Billy, we gotta go. Are you sure you can drive this thing?

    Billy: Are you kidding? I finished second at Daytona.

  • Caesar: [Aims gun at Billy, Henry, Jack and Albert] My name is Caesar. Mr. Nivens asked me to stop you. I must request you not move.

    Billy: Put that thing away, you hold it like a goddamn doorman.

    Caesar: I am the doorman.

    Billy: Then get us a cab.

  • Billy: Now I've played some of the top Chinese guys, and I tell ya if you ever whip up a serve to go along with that backhand... it's gonna be a dark day in Peking, babe!

  • Gianelli: I'll shoot the girl.

    Billy: Go ahead. I got lot's of girlfriends.

  • Gianelli: I'm a police officer. Drop the gun!

    Billy: I'm a mental patient. I'm not impressed.

    Gianelli: You're not this crazy, are you?

    Billy: Actually, this is my idea of a good time.

  • Billy: Does Ed go out the window? Let's have a show of hands.

    [to Ed]

    Billy: You can vote too, it's America.

  • Billy: We're a special combat unit looking for some Libyan terrorists. In fact, I think we have them cornered at a bagel shop across the street. Now if we could just get some pants for the colonel.

    Bernie: Give me a break.

    Billy: Alright, we're four escaped lunatics.

    Bernie: This I believe.

  • Billy: You probably want us out of here as quickly as possible, right?

    Bernie: I'm prepared to carry you in my arms.

  • [They are under a large cardboard box in the rain]

    Henry: I think we should review our goals.

    Billy: Review our goals. Wacko, we gotta find the doctor.

    Henry: Who put you in charge? I'm in charge here.

    Jack: Read the New Testament, Sparky. You'll find out who's in charge.

    Billy: Get outta the way!

    [They bump a pedestrian]

    Billy: Albert, you step on my foot one more time, I'm gonna kill ya!

    Albert: Kill the ump!

    Jack: Why does a grown man have to smell like tuna fish?

  • Bernie: [to Jack in his new clothes] I'm telling you it works. It's a statement, man. You know who you are.

    Billy: No he doesn't.

  • Billy: Can we go now?

    Dr. Weitzman: Billy, every week you get up and say, "Can we go now?" And every week I tell you we haven't heard from Albert yet.

    Billy: Nobody's ever heard from Albert. I've had better conversations with cheese.

  • Billy: Look, I don't think I'm Elvis, alright? I don't carry on conversations with my dog, I don't put on a dress and dance around Times Square.

    Officer: Impressive credentials.

    Billy: I just want you guys to believe me. They're two cops and they can come back at any tie.

    Officer #2: Oh, a conspiracy. Is this the one with the ghost of Lee Harvey Oswald?


    Billy: Actually, I lied. Once I did put on a dress and dance around Times Square, but I was with Elvis. My dog told me to do it so you can't really blame me, can you?

  • Jack: You told me you played for the New York Rangers.

    Billy: Are you saying I didn't?

    Dr. Weitzman: Attacking a referee on the ice doesn't make you a hockey player either.

    Billy: That guy had no right to be an NHL referee!

    Dr. Weitzman: Although it did get you into our little group, didn't it?

  • Billy: [about why he threw a chair through the window] I'm sorry. I just flashed back to 'Nam.

    Dr. Weitzman: You never made it to Vietnam, Bill.

    Henry: He's too violent for Vietnam.

  • Jack: You two should be cast into the outer darkness. The rec hall will look pretty damn good from the bowels of Hell.

    Billy: I got news for you. You're gonna be the first Supreme Being EVER TO MAKE A LICENSE PLATE!

  • Billy: We're gonna have to search all these hospitals ourselves.

    [Looks at a page he tore out of the phone book]

    Henry: That's public property.

    Billy: Yeah? Watch this: public property...

    [folds the page and puts it in his pocket]

    Billy: Private property.

    Henry: Vandal.

  • Henry: [in the hospital room of whom they think is Dr. Weitzman] Father, may I say a few words? I knew this man perhaps better than anyone here. I pledge to continue his work for as long as I live.

    [near tears]

    Henry: He devoted his life to the treatment for the insane.

    Billy: [looks at the corpse - turns to Henry] Henry, may I say a few words?

    Henry: Oh certainly, William.

    Billy: It's not him.

    Henry: [after pause] Perhaps I'd better bring my remarks to a close.

  • Dr. Weitzman: Good, good. Next week we'll work on leaving all the rest of the pieces of paper in the world right where they are. You are gonna find out that chaos is O.K, Henry.

    Billy: Chaos is great.

  • Billy: [referring to Jack] We're looking for something casual for the Son of God.

    Bernie: How much does the Supreme Being wanna spend?

    Jack: How about a nice Harris tweed with a blue Oxford button-down and maybe a nice Countess Mara tie, eh, sport?

    Billy: [to the guys] Look, why don't you guys browse around for a while.

    [They just stand there]

    Billy: Browse!

  • Billy: All I'm saying's let's stretch that clothing dollar!

    Bernie: How much stretch we talkin' about?

  • Billy: [On the phone with a nurse while trying to locate Dr. Weitzman] Hey, your voice is familiar, what's your name?


    Billy: Helen Grabowski? This is Billy Caufield, you treated me for a scalp laceration last year.


    Billy: Yeah, self-inflicted. It was a bet, you know.

  • Henry: The doctor will be back soon. We're on a very tight schedule.

    [That night, they're still in the van. No doctor]

    Billy: How do you like the game so far? I'm having a ball. Great seats huh guys? it's funny the hot dog guy hasn't been around.

  • Jack McDermott: What about dinner? Who's gonna get us our dinner?

    Billy: "Who's gonna get us our..." aren't you the same guy who changed water into wine? Huh? J.C.? Ain't the son of God good for a burger in his town? You get us something!

    Jack McDermott: That's not funny. You're a very disturbed young man.

    Billy: Man you don't know how disturbed I am.

  • Crystal Falls: I probably would have ended up with a football player if I hadn't met you. And I'm not gonna lie - you've really kept it interesting, but I'm done.

    Billy: What the fuck are you talking about?

  • Lee: He won't die!

    Billy: You are such a pussy.

    Lee: ...He's stronger than he looks!

    Billy: [laughs towards Lee]

    Lee: You do it then!

    Billy: No fucking way, Lee!

    Billy: [Hands Lee his pocket knife] Here. Take it.

    Lee: What if he tries to grab the knife away from me, or something?

    Billy: I don't know, just fucking stab him really quick...

    Lee: Like where?

    Billy: Stab him in the fucking stomach, I don't know!

    Lee: He's going to bleed all over the floor, Billy!

    Billy: Who fucking cares! Do it!

    Lee: [Interrupting] Shut up!

    Billy: Come you little pussy! Do it, you bitch!

    Lee: ...Don't push me!

    Billy: Stab him! Fucking kill him!

    [Lee lunges toward Charley]

    Charley Bratley: Ow!

    Billy: Oh, shit...

    Charley Bratley: You stabbed me in the stomach!

    Lee: I did it! I did it Billy...

    Billy: ...Is it deep?

    Lee: Is it deep, Charley?

    Charley Bratley: [pauses] Fuck you!

  • Crystal Falls: [Billy is playing Charlie's tuba] What are you doing?

    Billy: I was thinking of going out for marching band. It seems like that's what the chicks are into, right Crystal?

    Crystal Falls: Oh yeah, Charlie nailed me all night long. It was unreal.

    [Billy throws down the tuba, destroying it]

    Crystal Falls: Why the hell did you do that for, Billy?

    Billy: Because I'm a stupid bastard.

  • Mr. Peck: Who put that knife in the wall?

    Billy: I did.

    Mr. Peck: You're going to fix that.

    Billy: It's my room...

    Mr. Peck: No, this is not your room. This is a room in my house. This is my room.

    Billy: ...Then you can fix it.

  • Billy: [to Charley] Hey, shitballs, come here. I want to show you something. Now, when you get to high school, if anyone tries to kick your ass - well, you're probably gonna get your ass kicked anyways, but if you weren't such a pussy, you could try this. Come at me, hit me in the chest.

    [Charlie weakly hits him]

    Billy: No, really come at me like you got a pair.

    [Charlie lunges at Billy, who tosses him across the room]

    Billy: Good! That was good!

    Crystal Falls: Oh, my God, Billy! Are you hurt, Charley?

    Lee: [Interrupting] He's about half your size, man!

    Billy: Are you fucking kidding me? We're fucking kidnapping this kid! Am I the only one who fucking remembers that?

    Lee: You're such a dick, Billy.

  • Billy: [playing Charlie's "Chumscrubber" video game] Let's see some fucking blood already!

  • Billy: It isn't deep.

    Lee: Well, fucking pardon me!

  • Mr. Peck: Who's the kid?

    Billy: Charley.

    Mr. Peck: Damn, you're teeny-tiny.

    Billy: I'm holding him for ransom.

    Mr. Peck: Oh...

    Charley Bratley: Yeah, I should probably get home. My mom's getting married tomorrow.

    Mr. Peck: I was married once. Problem was my wife never really understood me... she even said that. "I don't understand you." What do you suppose that means? Makes no sense to me.

    Billy: ...Okay, dad.

  • [Dean answers the phone to Billy]

    Dean Stiffle: ...What?

    Billy: Dean?

    Dean Stiffle: What do you want?

    Billy: We got Charlie.

    Dean Stiffle: Who?

    Billy: Your brother. We kidnapped your brother.

    Dean Stiffle: What are you talking about, man?

    Billy: I got him right now, man. He's scared shitless.

    Dean Stiffle: [pauses] Why did you kidnap my brother?

    Billy: So you know I'm not fucking around, I want the stuff from Troy.

    Dean Stiffle: I already told you...

    Billy: [Interrupting] I don't think you're listening. You are going to *get* me Troy's drugs.

    Dean Stiffle: Or what?

    Billy: Don't push me, psycho!

    Dean Stiffle: [Dean walks downstairs and finds his brother sitting on the couch] ... Or what?

    Billy: I'll kill him. That's what, I'm going to kill him... I'm not fucking around man, I swear to God, I'll cut off his fucking head!

    Dean Stiffle: [pauses to look at his brother] Fine. Kill him.

    [Billy hangs up]

    Crystal Falls: What did he say?

    Billy: ...Maybe he really is crazy.

    Crystal Falls: Billy, what did he say?

    Billy: He said for us to kill him.

  • Tommy: [After opening the correct pipe] Okay Billy, give me the snake.

    Billy: Give you the snake? Get your own fuckin' snake, give you the snake!

    [Grabs his crotch]

    Billy: I got your snake right here.

  • Mickey: Hey Pee Wee, how's it feel?

    Pee Wee: How does what feel?

    Mickey: Getting laid.

    Pee Wee: Same as it always feels.

    Mickey: I don't believe it.

    Tommy: Never again.

    Pee Wee: What are you guys talking about, I got bodies laid all over South Florida.

    Mickey: Morris, the last time you got any action, it was your fist. The old rosy palm.

    Pee Wee: You guys are just jealous because I ruined Wendy for everybody else.

    Pee Wee: [after the guys laugh] Now that she's had me, what's left?

    Mickey: Yeah well, that's not what she told me, Pee Wee.

    Pee Wee: Well, what did she tell you?

    Tommy: Ask her, Pee Wee, here she comes.

    Billy: Yeah, I can hear her panting from here.

    Pee Wee: Look man, when they've been had by Pee Wee Morris, they stay had. I mean, they can't keep their hands off me. You guys better watch out because when she sees me you're likely to get caught in the stampede. Watch this.

    Wendy: [walks by passively] Hi, boys.

    Mickey: [after the guys laugh at Pee Wee] She's in a frenzy, Pee Wee.

    Tommy: Yeah, she's rabid.

    Pee Wee: She didn't see me. She didn't know I was here.

    Tommy: That's what she said about you on the bus.

    Pee Wee: Oh man, the girl's my slave.

  • Billy: What's this?

    Tommy: Blueprints.

    Billy: I know they're blueprints. What are they of.

    Tommy: Take a look.

    Billy: Okay, here the school.

    [Tommy pulls out a metal container, opens it, and pulls a snake out of it.]

    Billy: Okay, so this is the gym.

    Tommy: Right.

    Billy: So now what?

    Tommy: [Puts the snake in his view] So we take this snake...

    Billy: [Throws down the blueprints, backs up frantically, screaming] Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing?! Get that out of my face!

    Tommy: You don't like snakes?

    Billy: I hate snakes! You know I hate snakes! Jesus!

    [Indicating Balbricker]

    Billy: What are you going to do, kill her?

    Tommy: [Puts the snake back] No, it's just a rat snake. It's not poisonous.

    Billy: [Cringing] Yaah!

  • Martin Falcon: [Martin walks into his house, drunken, to find a group of strangers] Oh great, I'm being robbed again, aren't I? Go Hamlet, kill, kill!

    Martin Falcon: [Martin realizes his guard dog is soothed by intruders] What have you done to my dog? You broke my dog!

    Daryle Shane: You have a lovely house sir.

    Martin Falcon: Thank you. What's, what's the number to the police?

    Nickie: 911.

    Mooch: Shhh! Don't tell him!

    Billy: [Martin dials] Wait! Before you do that, can you write right here, 'To Billie, I'll never forget last night... '

    Martin Falcon: [Puts down the phone] Was that you?

    Jennie: Excuse me sir, are you Martin Falcon?

    Martin Falcon: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

  • Daryle: Think of all the clothes I could have bought in Europe

    Billy: Ahh forget it. None of us speak European anyway

  • Billy: Look at all these FuFus man...

  • Daryle: Well I just figured that Rome, Paris & Bulgaria sound pretty good

    Billy: What Bulgaria? Bulgaria's not in Europe.

    Daryle: Of course it is stupid

    Billy: You're ass...

  • [at the preppy pool party]

    Jennie: Where's the dip?

    Billy: All the dips are dancing

  • Billy: Omelette!

    Daryle Shane: You know, Billy, I think the dog's name is "Hamlet."

  • Billy: [Looking at the Drifter] I have plans, big plans.

    Drifter: Sure kid, every one has big plans.

  • [Beulah Balbricker has accused Billy and his friends of watching porn in the school library]

    Billy: Miss Balbricker, with all due respect. That's your opinion.

    Beulah Balbricker: They all had BONERS!

    Wendy Williams: Mr. Carter, I will not stand here and be accused of having a *boner*!

  • Billy: Let's hurry up, take the test and get the hell out of here.

  • Billy: What's your name?

    LV: LV.

    Billy: Does that stand for something?

    LV: Little Voice.

    Billy: Oh, on account of being soft-spoken like.

  • Billy: Great tune.

    LV: My heart belongs to Daddy.

    Billy: Oh I see.

    [looks disappointed]

    LV: Marilyn Monroe

    Billy: OH!

  • Billy: But when you see 'um fly and better yet, come back well... It's dead exciting!

  • Billy: If I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through a window.

  • Billy: Let me guess, it's 505 years later, right?

    Darren: No... but it will be in 45 minutes!

  • Billy: I hate books! Why can't it just tell us what to do?

  • Billy: We gotta find a way to kill that cockblocking turkey!

  • Television Announcer: George and Elizabeth Bennetson got into their car to go to a party... But this wasn't going to be the kind of party they expected. The guests are about to arrive -

    John: Billy, will you turn that thing off?

    Billy: I did turn it off.

  • Corinne Burns: You are so jealous of me. I'm everything you ever wanted to be.

    Billy: A cunt?

    Corinne Burns: Exactly.

  • Billy: You're an advert. You're a commercial. I feel very, very sorry for you people. Good luck to you!

  • Billy: Are you taking a piss at me?

  • Billy: Your mother is driving me mad, Kay!

    Kay Villano: Pretend she's your mother and ignore her.

  • Billy: Jeepers Mr. H, you sure we're doing the right thing here?

    Roger: Ah take it easy kid. Look how long have we known each other anyway?

    Billy: Um, six days...

    Roger: Esactly. There's a bond there.

  • Billy: Oh! It was the killer! I saw him... he was... horrible. He was a tall guy... short too. And he was wearing this really nice suit, though it was kinda shabby. And he, and he had blackish, brownish, reddish, blondish, kinda whitish hair. And, and he definitely went downstairs, or, or maybe it was up.

  • Dexter Morris: [about Walt, Jr] I'd like to get my hands on that weak-kneed, lilly-livered, son of a...

    Billy: Famous general, right sir?

  • Billy: [dressed like Carmen Miranda, Roger pulls Billy into closet] Well, I'm busy, but I guess I can spare a few minutes.

    Roger: [Billy leans in to kiss Roger, then Roger slaps him] It's me, you chowderhead!

  • Billy: He's the retard! Hey, you're the retard!

  • Billy: You're pretty cool, aren't you?

    Luigi Mackeroni: I've been through too much shit. I'm sorry.

  • Billy: Hey, Whatadaya got there, Joe Knox?

    Joe Knox (Joseph Pendergast Knox): Whores, Billy! Whores!

  • Thursday: [about William Jennings Bryan] Because he's gonna give women the vote.

    Billy: Might as well give 'em the right to pee standin' up; they wouldn't know what to do with it.

  • Scot: ...I grew alot.

    Billy: Yeah. Kids grow, you grew. That's good.

    Scot: You didn't notice.

    Eric McNally: I would.

    [walks towards Scot]

    Eric McNally: Cause you're gonna grow alot. You're gonna get taller, your voice is gonna change,your face is gonna change. It'll all be amazingly different. But it'll all happen so slowly you won't even notice. But I would. I'd notice you. Everyday,I notice you.

  • Billy: Wagon burner!

    [insulting Frank]

  • Billy: You wanna kiss me, Cowboy?

    Bug: You wanna fucking die?

  • Andrew: That drag queen is amazing, huh Billy? He totally looks like a woman.

    Billy: [to Georgiana] Ok, I need to know that his penis is large enough to sustain this relationship.

  • Georgiana: Ask me about Andrew and I.

    Billy: How are Andrew and I?

  • Billy: So...

    Gabriel: Cigarette. What do you do?

    Billy: This.

    Gabriel: Of course. And you're gay?

    Billy: Do I act gay?

    Gabriel: Kind of.

    Billy: You're straight?

    Gabriel: Girlfriend in San Francisco. What's that supposed to mean?

    Billy: Nothing. Some of my best friends are...

    Gabriel: Straight?

    Billy: Whatever.

  • Billy: Time to meet the devil.

  • Billy: Are they women?

    Choi Yan Lee: Yeah, 50 percent.

  • Billy: I'm looking for a girl. A young girl. I want to fuck a fourteen year old.

  • Eddie Dodd: We pleaded out Clyde Gruner to five years probation.

    Billy: Ohhhh, score another point for truth and justice!

  • Harold: Move to the car, Billy, or I'll blow your spine off.

    Billy: That's not a shooter, is it, Harold?

    Harold: Oh don't be silly, Billy. Would I come hunting for you with me fingers?

  • Billy: You quit because you're a pussy.

    Strom: You're a goddamn pussy.

  • Richter: So, how do you like our new dad?

    Billy: I like all our dads.

  • Richie: [to Billy and Roger] You're going to a whorehouse? That's disgusting.

    Billy: Look who's talking!

  • Billy: It's like you said all she wanted was the money... I didn't mean shit to her.

    Charlie Anders: She was just the wrong girl Billy...

    Billy: No, you were right. women are bad, masturbating's good.

    Charlie Anders: No... masturbating's lonely, Bill.

  • [Billy has locked himself in the bathroom]

    Hal: I'll tell you something, Billy...

    Billy: What?

    Hal: [starts to force door with knife] We got a hollow door here. It's made in Japan. Billy, I could bust through this really easy, but it would cause a mess. So, what I could do is, I can get the molding off, and I think that's the way to go. Are you all right in there? So, we got a little problem here, but I'll get you out. You stay calm in there. Remember, most accidents happen in the home. There it is. I don't believe that they use doors like this. I'll get you out, don't worry. It's easy as pie. Be careful of that water, now. Remember, you're in the desert! I'll have you out of there in a second. There we go. Now, just one little push, and we're home free.

  • Billy: [to Will with Morgan, Chuckie present] You're legally allowed to drink now, so we figured the best thing for you was a car.

  • Chuckie: [in Chuckie's dining room] Wait, Bill. Hold it. Did you hear that?

    [Man moans upstairs]

    Chuckie: Morgan! If you're watching pornos in my mom's room again, I'm gonna give you a fucking beating!

    [Morgan runs downstairs]

    Morgan: What's up fellas?

    Billy: Morgan, why don't you jerk off in your own fucking house. Man, that's fucking filthy.

    Morgan: I ain't got a VCR in my house.

    Chuckie: Aw, c'mon, not on my glove.

    Morgan: I didn't use the glove.

    Chuckie: That's my Little League glove.

    Morgan: What do you want me to do?

    Chuckie: I mean, what's wrong with you? You'll hump a baseball glove?

    Morgan: I was just using it for clean-up.

    Chuckie: Stop jerking off in my mother's room!

    Morgan: Ain't there another VCR in the house?

    Chuckie: It's just sad bro.

  • Nurse Ratched: Aren't you ashamed?

    Billy: No, I'm not.

    [Applause from friends]

    Nurse Ratched: You know Billy, what worries me is how your mother is going to take this.

    Billy: Um, um, well, y-y-y-you d-d-d-don't have to t-t-t-tell her, Miss Ratched.

    Nurse Ratched: I don't have to tell her? Your mother and I are old friends. You know that.

    Billy: P-p-p-please d-d-don't tell my m-m-m-mother.

  • [telling McMurphy about Chief]

    Billy: He-he-he can't hear you. He's a d-d-deaf and d-d-dumb Indian.

  • Billy: It's sort of weird, being honored for the worst day of your life.

  • Billy: Civilians are the ones running this show. I've lived the damn war but it's still their war. Isn't it?

  • Billy: Jules, y'know, honey... this isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journeys by it, but the joke was on them... there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough, just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this. It's our time at the edge.

  • Billy: The wet look is in, asshole.

    Alec: That's Mr. Asshole to you.

  • Billy: I should have had a vasectomy at birth! Let me tell you something Al, you ever have boys, do them a favor and get them neutered straight away. If they ever knock up some little slut, they're the ones who're fucked!

    [to his wife]

    Billy: Fucked for life! I hate you, you little bitch!

  • Myra: Where did you two meet?

    Billy: [whisperd] PRISON!

  • Billy: So you lost your job? I've lost twenty of them since graduation. Plus a wife and kid. And, in a new development this morning, a handful of hair in the shower drain.

  • Alec: You're being arrested for drunk driving.

    Billy: Drunk definitely, I don't know if you could call it driving.

  • Billy: It ain't a party till something gets broken.

  • Tutor 1: What does it feel like when you're dancing?

    Billy: Don't know. Sorta feels good. Sorta stiff and that, but once I get going... then I like, forget everything. And... sorta disappear. Sorta disappear. Like I feel a change in my whole body. And I've got this fire in my body. I'm just there. Flyin' like a bird. Like electricity. Yeah, like electricity.

  • Billy: Just because I like ballet doesn't mean I'm a poof, you know.

  • Billy: Miss, you don't fancy me do, do you?

    Mrs. Wilkinson: No, Billy. Funnily enough, I don't. Now piss off!

    Billy: [smiling] Piss off yourself.

  • Billy: I don't want a childhood. I want to be a ballet dancer.

  • Mrs. Wilkinson: This'll sound strange, Billy, but for some time now I've been thinkin' of the Royal Ballet School.

    Billy: Aren't you a bit old, miss?

    Mrs. Wilkinson: No, not me... you! I'm the bloody teacher!

  • Billy: So, what's it like, like?

    Dad: What's what like?

    Billy: London.

    Dad: I don't know, son. I never made it past Durham.

    Billy: Have you never been?

    Dad: Why would I want to go to London?

    Billy: It's the capital city!

    Dad: Well, there are no mines in London.

    Billy: Jesus Christ, is that all you think about?

  • Mrs. Wilkinson: She must've been a very special woman, your mother.

    Billy: No she was just me mam.

  • Michael: Oi! Dancing boy!

    Dad: [Billy turns around and starts running to him] We'll miss the bus, Billy!

    Tony: Can you stop being an old fucking woman?

    Billy: [approaches Michael, then after a moment, kisses him on the cheek] See you then.

    [smiles and runs off]

  • Grandma: I used to go to ballet.

    Billy: See?

    Dad: All right for your Nana, for girls. No, not for lads, Billy. Lads do football... or boxing... or wrestling. Not friggin' ballet.

  • Debbie: If you want, I'll show you me fanny.

    Billy: Nah, I'm all right.

  • Billy: Tony, do you ever think about death?

    Tony: Fuck off.

  • NCB Official: Can you tell us why you first became interested in ballet?

    Billy: Don't know.


    Billy: Just was.

    NCB Official: Well was there any particular aspect of the ballet which caught your imagination?

    Billy: The dancin'.

  • Billy: So what about your mother? Does she have sex?

    Debbie: No, she's unfulfilled. That's why she dances.

    Billy: She dances instead of sex? Your family's weird!

  • Dad: I'm bustin' my ass for those 50 pences and you're - look, from now on, you stay here and look out for your Nana. Got that? Good.

    Grandma: They used to say I could have been a professional dancer if I'd had the trainin'!


    Billy: I hate you! You're a bastard!

  • Michael: So you're going to ballet every week?

    Billy: Aye, but don't say owt.

    Michael: Do you get to wear a tutu?

    Billy: Fuck off, they're only for lasses. I wear me shorts.

    Michael: You ought to ask for a tutu?

    Billy: I'd look a right dickhead.

    Michael: I think you'd look wicked.

  • Billy: I think I'm scared, Dad.

    Dad: That's okay, son. We're all scared.

    Billy: Well... if I don't like it, can I still come back?

    Dad: Are you kidding? We've let out your room.

    [straight face then laughter]

  • Billy: My hands are freezing.

    Michael: 'Gizzem here.

    Billy: [Michael takes his hands and puts them in his jacket] What are you doing?

    Michael: Nothin'. Just warmin' your hands up.

    Billy: [pause] You're not a poof or owt?

    Michael: [deadpan] What gave you that impression?

    Billy: Aren't me hands cold?

    Michael: I quite like it.

    [kisses Billy on the cheek; they stare at each other]

    Billy: Just because I like ballet, doesn't mean I'm a poof, you know.

    Michael: You won't tell anyone, will you?

    Billy: [pauses, then grins] Come on.

    Michael: [stares after him longingly]

  • Mrs. Wilkinson: So. Do we get the pleasure of your company next week?

    Billy: It's just, I feel like a right sissy.

    Mrs. Wilkinson: Well don't act like one. 50p please. And if you're not coming again give us your shoes.

    Billy: [thinks] No, you're all right.

    Mrs. Wilkinson: Right.

  • Tony: Have you been playing my records you little twat?

    Billy: I never played nowt.

    Tony: Nob'ed.

  • Billy: All right, all right, don't lose your blob!

  • Billy: I don't want to do your stupid fucking audition! You only want me to do it for your own benefit!

  • [Billy joins Dave at the table to his Big Bad Wolf Club]

    Billy: I don't really know what it is, but I like it.

    Dave: Well, it's a place for people to get wild for the night. Fuck being polite.

  • [Dave hands Billy a business card to a job offer]

    Billy: What's this?

    Dave: It's a job.

    Billy: And where is that?

    Dave: Well, it's... closer than somewhere over the rainbow. Let's put it that way. I think you'll like it.

  • [Billy meets Dave, telling him of her financial situation]

    Billy: Carl talked me into this loan. He told me that, um, he could get me into my grandmother's house for nothing and that I shouldn't be paying someone else's mortgage, and he didn't explain it to me, and I never understood it. And then a couple years later, the rates changed entirely, and I... he didn't explain...

    Dave: [Dave cuts Billy off] Can I... Can I just... Can I just cut across you for a moment there, please? Listen... I, I am all ears, but you're gonna have to talk up a little bit, 'cause I am very deaf. This happens to be my good ear here, but all I heard then was, 'Mah, bluh, buh, blah, blah, blah, bluh, blah.' So, just... Whatever it was you just said, please, just a little louder. I can't quite hear it.

  • [Dave tells Billy the financial situation she's in]

    Dave: Okay, Billy. We are in the middle of a very tight fiscal knot, and it's squeezing, and you are right in the middle of it. Now, you could pay your three months. You can walk away with some money. You could pay your three months and then pay more and more, and you can keep the house...

    Billy: So I can?

    Dave: If that's really what you wanna do. But, what can you do? What sort of work do you do?

    Dave: [Billy doesn't reply] Well, that doesn't sound promising.

  • [Billy tells Dave why she wants to keep her house]

    Billy: I have two boys, and that is our home, and... and I grew up in that home, and that is our home.

    Dave: Look, I can make a note for you, right? I can write a fucking novel. But at the end of the day, you're gonna have to come up with some of this.

    [Dave makes the motion of cash with his fingertips]

  • [Billy tells the Cab Driver when handing him a paper towel from her bag]

    Billy: I'm a mother. I can pull anything out of this bag.

  • [Billy tells Cat she doesn't have an act]

    Cat: You don't have an act? You juggle?

    Billy: No.

    Cat: Tap dance?

    Billy: No.

    Cat: Ever pull a rabbit out of your hat?

    Billy: No.

    Cat: [Cat sighs, rolling her lips] How's your scream?

    Billy: My scream?

    Cat: Yeah.

    Billy: Um...

    Cat: Like, for bloody murder. I mean, a scream, you know?

    [Cat screams her highest dramatic scream]

  • [Cat tells Billy if the doors are locked to the Shells you're fine]

    Billy: Is it dangerous?

    Cat: Mm, if the door's locked, you're fine. Yeah. Doors locked, you're good.

    Billy: How much does it pay?

    Cat: It pays the rent.

  • [Bones tells his mother Billy that he's going out]

    Bones: I'm going out.

    Billy: You have to watch Franky.

    Bones: Can you watch him?

    Billy: I have to go to work!

    Bones: Please?

  • [Billy tells Dave her problem with the Shells as he tells her his problem is sex]

    Dave: You've seen the Shells, right?

    Billy: Yeah. I'm a little claustrophobic, though, so I might have a problem. I'm not sure.

    Dave: Yeah, well, I have a problem, too, you know? I like to fuck. That's my problem. And when I meet a bad bitch, it drives me crazy. Now, really, really... think about it.

  • Mia: That your car?

    Billy: Yeah. Still needs a couple of bits.

    Mia: You left your cap.

    Billy: Oh.

    Mia: Where's your horse?

    Billy: She was sick. We had to shoot her.

    Mia: [looks down at lock. Sits down. Cries]

    Billy: She was 16. It was her time.

    Mia: [crying, looks up] Alright.

    Billy: I was thinking of trying out the motor on a long run.

    Mia: Yeah.

    Billy: I know some people in Cardiff. You know, in Wales.

  • Mia: What are you looking for?

    Billy: A Volvo 940.

    Mia: What's it look like?

    Billy: Like a Volvo 940.

    Mia: Cor! Clever Dick!

  • Malcolm: I don't believe that there is much of a future to speak of.

    Pearl: We're in a bit of a decadent spiral, aren't we?

    Billy: Sinking fast.

    Ray: Big Brother, baby, all the way.

    Malcolm: Which is why we prefer impressions to ideas.

    Billy: Situations to subjects.

    Pearl: Brief flights to sustained ones.

    Ray: Exceptions to types.

    Pearl: And yourself?

    Arthur Stuart: What? I'm... I'm just lookin' for a room at the moment.

  • Billy: [about George] He said, "A life that's all about death is no life at all."

  • Billy: Did you do the reading?

    George Lonegan: Look, you still don't get it, do you? You think just 'cause I can make money doing this... just because I can, that I should do it.

    Billy: [shrugs] Yeah, yeah I do. I also think you have a duty to do it, because you have a gift.

    George Lonegan: It's not a gift, Billy, it's a curse.

  • Billy: Nobody digs your music but yourself!

  • Billy: [irked by the Revolution's performance of "Darling Nikki"] What the fuck wrong with you, Kid?

    The Kid: I ain't got time for your bullshit, Billy. What do you want?

    Billy: This stage is no place for your personal shit, man!

    The Kid: That's life, man.

    Billy: Life, my ass, motherfucker! This is a business, and you too far gone to see that yet! I told you before, you're not packin' them in like you used to. No one digs your music but yourself.

    The Kid: FUCK OFF!

    Billy: Yeah, okay. Just like your old man.

    [Kid gives Billy an offended look]

    Billy: Look around you. No one's diggin' you. Oh, buddy, what a fuckin' waste. But, like father, like son.

    The Kid: Lay off that.

    Billy: Let me give you a piece of advice, junior: your music make sense to no one... but yourself.

  • Billy: [training his falcon] C'mon Kes!


    Billy: C'mon Kes!

  • Billy: It's finding the center of your story, the beating heart of it, that's what makes a reporter. You have to start by making up some headlines. You know: short, punchy, dramatic headlines. Now, have a look, what do you see?

    [Points at dark clouds at the horizon]

    Billy: Tell me the headline.

    Quoyle: Horizon Fills With Dark Clouds?

    Billy: Imminent Storm Threatens Village.

    Quoyle: But what if no storm comes?

    Billy: Village Spared From Deadly Storm.

  • Billy: It's women that's shaped like leaves, and men fall.

  • Billy: [delivering a eulogy at Jack's wake] Jack is... Jack is all right now. You all know... we are only passing by. We walk over these stones a few times. Our boats... sail for a little while on the waves and then they have to sink. Jack knew that, better than anyone. Right, Jack?

  • Billy: [singing] Longing to tell you, but afraid and shy / I let my golden chances pass me by. / Now, I've lost you / Soon I will go in the mist of day / And you never will know / How I loved you / How I loved you.

  • Billy: I couldn't get work, and I couldn't bear to see her... to see her...

    Starkeeper: You couldn't bear to see her cry? Why don't you come right out and say it? Why are you ashamed you loved Julie?

    Billy: I ain't afraid of anything. Look, if I can't go back, just say so.

    Starkeeper: I didn't say you couldn't go back.

    Billy: No, but you didn't say I could, either. You're just trying to make me sweat.

    Starkeeper: No. I'm just trying to figure out what good you could do if I let you go back. You know... your daughter's down there. She's unhappy, she needs help.

    Billy: My daughter? My baby is a girl? My-my baby's a girl?

    Starkeeper: She isn't a baby anymore. She's fifteen years old.

    Billy: And she ain't happy, huh?

    Starkeeper: No, she ain't, Billy. You know, she's a lot like you. I think maybe that's why you could help her.

    Billy: Can I see her from here?

    Starkeeper: Sure, you can, if you want to.

    Billy: If she ain't happy, I don't want to look.

    Starkeeper: Right now, she appears to be having a fine time. There she is, running along the beach there, got her shoes and stockings off.

    Billy: Like I used to do, huh?

    Starkeeper: Yeah. Do you want to take a look at her?

    Billy: What do I have to do to see her?

    Starkeeper: Just look, and wait, and the power to see her will come to you.

  • [Billy just sees Annie after 7 years]

    Billy: You know what I told him? I told him that you died, that you were killed in a car wreck. That you were a tramp and we're better off without you. You're dead! Do you understand that? You're dead! The kid's got no mother!

    Annie: I am his mother.

    Billy: You're dead! He's got no mother!

    Annie: I'm here, I am his mother.

  • [Billy and T.J. are playing in the ocean]

    T.J.: Champ, did you love her?

    Billy: Who?

    T.J.: Annie.

    Billy: Of course I loved her, that's why we had you.

  • Billy: What about my heart? What about my mind? What about me? What about me? Billy Flynn! What about me? I'm real, too!

    Annie: What's the matter, Billy? What is it?

    Billy: You could always come back. We"ll take you back You... We'll give you a second chance.

  • Billy: [the Champ is dying after winning the big fight] T.J. - T.J., where are you?

    T.J.: Here I am.

    Billy: Yeah. T.J. - Annie was here tonight, T.J. Wasn't that a nice thing?

    T.J.: Yeah.

    Billy: You invited her, didn't you? Huh?

    T.J.: I wrote to her. You said to.

    Billy: Yeah. It was nice of her to come. You know, TJ, you know, you're... Annie and me. We did some silly things. Who knows why people do what they do? Nobody knows that, but she's... she's a good person. You know that. You happy, kid? I won the fight. You happy?

    T.J.: Yeah.

    Billy: Yeah.

    T.J.: The Champ...

    Billy: Yeah.

    T.J.: Always comes through.

    Billy: That's right. That's right. Right.

    [he dies]

  • Billy: No smoking in the barn area. What do you want?

    Annie: T.J.'s Timmy, isn't he?

    Billy: Yeah, T.J. is Timmy. So you figured it out, so what? Even a dumb horse knows her own foal.

  • Billy: We had a fucking dog years ago, beautiful dog, it was. All Stations, it was. That's what I used to call it. That what I thought they was saying when I was little. All stations, you know. German shepard. Judy, her name was. Yeah, me dad fucking put her down when I was little. I went on holiday with me nan, and, um, when I came back, right, he's fobbed us off with some right swaggy story about how it bit someone over at the park. The lying cunt. Fucking loved that dog! That broke my heart, that did. That dog never bit no one, did it Dan?

    Danny: No, a lovely dog.

    Billy: That's what I mean. That's what I mean. You fucking... You know, you go away, right? I went hop-picking with me nan, right? We come back, the first thing I wanted to do when I got back was to see the dog, right? All right, because I missed it and all that, and it was fucking dead. I tell you, man, he was just fucking mean, my old man. Spiteful cunt. He didn't care about what other people felt. He couldn't give a toss.

  • Billy: [sees Rocky walk by, mustache covered in icing] Hey, mister... did you eat my cake?

    Rocky: What? No. I was in the bathroom.

    Billy: Then what's all over you're mustache?

    Billy's Father: [walking up to meet Billy] Hey Billy. What's the problem, buddy?

    Billy: He ate my cake, dad!

    [points to Rocky]

    Billy's Father: Sir? Did you eat my son's birthday cake?

    Rocky: Listen, man, I said I didn't!

    Billy: Yes you did! You ate my cake and you owe me another cake!

    Rocky: Hey, listen you little butt munch! I didn't eat your cake and I don't owe you another cake!

    Billy's Mother: You have no right to talk to my song that way!

    Rocky: I can talk however I want! I play softball!

  • [Clara asks Billy if he's ever heard of Candyman]

    Clara: Have you ever heard of Candyman?

    Billy: No.

    Clara: Well, his right hand is sawn off, and he has a hook jammed in the bloody stump. And if you look in the mirror... and you say his name five times... he'll appear behind you, breathing down your neck. You want to try it?

  • [Clara and Billy stare in the mirror as Billy touches her body from behind]

    Billy: Candyman... Candyman... Candyman... Candyman...

    Clara: [Clara breathes, turning around to face Billy] No one ever got past four.

  • Sidney Prescott: You sick fucks. You've seen one too many movies!

    Billy: Now Sid, don't you blame the movies. Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!

  • Stu: Shit...

    Billy: What?

    Stu: Oh, shit.

    Billy: [They go into the kitchen to find Sidney and Mr. Prescott gone] Where are they? Where are they?

    Stu: I don't know, Billy, but I'm hurtin', man!

    [the phone rings]

    Stu: Should I let the machine get it?

    Billy: [answers it] Hello?

    Sidney Prescott: Are you alone in the house?

    Billy: Bitch! You bitch, where the fuck are you?

    Sidney Prescott: Not so fast, we're going to play a little game. It's called: Guess who just called the police and reported your sorry motherfucking ass!

    [Stu is slowly collapsing to the floor]

    Billy: Find her, you dipshit! Get up!

    Stu: I can't, Billy. You already cut me too deep. I think I'm dying here, man!

    [Billy gives Stu the phone]

    Billy: [whispers] Talk to her. Talk to her.

    Stu: Hello?

    Sidney Prescott: Ah, Stu, Stu, Stu... What's your motive? Billy's got one. The police are on their way. What are you going to tell them?

    Stu: Peer pressure. I'm far too sensitive.

    [Billy takes the phone back]

    Billy: I'm going to rip you up, bitch, just like your fucking mother!

    Sidney Prescott: You've gotta find me first, you pansy-ass momma's boy!

    Billy: Fuck!

    [He accidentally hits Stu with the phone]

    Stu: Ow! You fuckin' hit me with the phone, dick!

  • Billy: [licks "blood" from his fingers] Mmmm... corn syrup. Same stuff they used for pig's blood in "Carrie."

  • Billy: [quoting Norman Bates] We all go a little mad sometimes.

  • Sidney Prescott: Why? Why did you kill my mother?

    Billy: Why? WHY! You hear that, Stu? I think she wants a motive.

    [Stu Chortles]

    Billy: Well, I don't really believe in motives, Sid. I mean did Norman Bates have a motive?

    Stu: No.

    Billy: Did we ever find out why Hannibal Lecter like to eat people? DON'T THINK SO! See, it's a lot more scarier when there's no motive, Sid. We did your Mom a favour, Sid. That woman was a slut-bag whore who flashed her shit all over town like she was Sharon Stone or somethin'.

    Stu: Yeah, we put her out of her misery, 'cause let's face Sidney, your mother was no Sharon Stone, hmm?

    Billy: Is that motive enough for you? How about this? Your slut mother was fucking my father, and she's the reason my mom moved out and abandoned me.

    [Sid looks astonished]

    Billy: How's that for a motive? Maternal abandonment causes serious deviant behavior. It certainly fucked you up. It made you have sex with a psychopath.

    Stu: That's right. You gave it up. Now, you're no longer a virgin. You're not a virgin. Now you got to die. Those are the rules.

    Billy: So, this game is like a scary movie, Sid. How do you think it's going to end?

    Stu: Oh, this is the greatest fun. You're going to love this. We got a surprise for you, Sidney. Yeah, you're going to love this one. It's a scream, baby. Hold a second, be right back.

  • Sidney Prescott: But this is life. This isn't a movie.

    Billy: Sure it is, Sid. It's all a movie. It's all one great big movie.


    Billy: . Only you can pick your genre.

  • Sidney Prescott: How do you - gut someone?

    Stu: You take a knife and you slit 'em from groin to sternum.

    Billy: Hey. It's called tact, you fuck-rag.

  • Billy: [killer's Voice] What's the matter Sidney? You look like you've seen a ghost.

  • Sidney Prescott: Why are you doing this?

    Billy: It's all part of the game, Sidneeeee!

    [raises machine to mouth and shouts]

    Billy: It's called GUESS HOW I'M GONNA DIE!

    Sidney Prescott: Fuck you!

    Billy: We've already played that game. Remember? You lost.

  • [Billy and Stu are looking for the gun]

    Billy: Where the fuck is it?

    Gale: [off camera] Right here, asshole.

    Billy: I thought she was dead.

    Stu: She looked dead, man. Still does.

  • Billy: It's called subtlety, Stu. You should look it up.

  • Stu: I didn't kill anybody.

    Billy: Nobody said you did.

    Stu: Thanks, buddy!

    Randy: Besides... "Takes a MAN to do something like that!"

    Stu: I ought to gut your ass in a second, kid.

    Randy: [using Jerry Lewis' voice] Tell me something. Did you really put her liver in the mailbox? Because I heard they found her liver in the mailbox next to her spleen and her pancreas.

  • Billy: What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not a killer?

  • Tyen: You know what I think? I think we're dead meat.

    [a little later on, after hearing Megan screaming]

    Tyen: REAL dead meat.

    Billy: So, what were you gonna be when you grew up?

  • Billy: [pulls up to diner] LANA! HEY, LANA!

    Lana: Sorry, buster. We're closed.


    Billy: It's all right, I just want a take out order.

    Lana: You do, huh? Well, what would you like?

    Billy: I would like Lana to go with nothing on her.

    Lana: Oh, and who wants her?

    Billy: The pride of the Unger Institute of Mental Health, who has just dumped his last bedpan and would like very much to party. Will you get your ass out here?

  • [Billy is preparing cocaine]

    Billy: That's it. That's the whole fuckin' thing right there. There it is, you just stay right there, doll. That's just what the doctor ordered. Nothin' like a little prevented medicine. And, the forecast is; Cloudy in the mountains, sunny in the valleys, and snow flurries, up your nose!

    [Takes a whiff]

  • Lana: Hmm, Lana. Lana...

    [leaning inside]

    Lana: Hey Lana? Do you want Billy?


    Lana: You sure?


    Lana: She says she wants you too, but you're gonna have to wait a few minutes 'till she's done inside.

    [enters the restaurant]


  • Billy: Eat shit and die, Ricky!

    Ricky: Eat shit and live, Bill.

  • [Steven gets prepared to bury Charlie's body in the backyard]

    Steven: [Steven takes the tarp off of Charlie] Happy Halloween.

    Billy: [shouting from the top floor bedroom window] Daddy! I'm back from Trick-or-Treating!

    Steven: [whispers] Billy. Shh. Please, be quiet.

    Billy: [shouts] Why?

    Steven: Because you'll bother the neighbors, now go watch Charlie Brown and I'll be in in a minute.

    Billy: Charlie's Brown's an asshole!

    Steven: Billy Wilkens! Language.

    [Steven sighs continuing to bury Charlie]

  • Billy: Lets carve a scary face this time.

  • Paul: Jamie, you with us?

    Jamie: Right.

    Paul: Snoop?

    Snoop: Yeah, I'm in.

    Paul: Billy?

    Billy: What, are you kidding? I can't stand that creep.

    Paul: [to Todd] What about you?

    Young Todd: As long as I get to see that motherfucker squirm.

    Paul: Don't worry. Tonight's the night that we scare the shit out of Cropsy. Because when he wakes up, when he see it, he's gonna have a heart attack.

  • Billy: [to Barb, on the phone; sombre] I'm going to kill you.

  • Billy: [quietly singing] Little baby bunting/Daddy's went a-hunting/Gonna fetch a rabbit skin to wrap his baby Agnes in.

  • Billy: [to Barb, on the phone] I'll stick my tongue up your pretty pussy!

  • Billy: Let me lick your pretty piggy cunt!

  • Billy: Filthy Billy, I know what you did, nasty Billy!

  • Billy: [referring to her potential abortion] Just like having a wart removed.

    Jess: Oh, my God!

  • Jamie: [struggling] Stooorrre.

    Billy: Store.

    Loomis: Store? What kind of store? What do they sell there?

    Jamie: [struggles] All nighter.

    Billy: All nighter.

    Loomis: What do they sell?

    Jamie: [trying] Big...

    Billy: Big.

    Jamie: Woman.

    Billy: Woman.

    Loomis: A big woman, who works in the store?

    Jamie: [shaking head] No!

    Loomis: What, Jamie, what?

    [she starts crying]

    Jamie: Cookie Woman.

    Billy: Cookie Woman.

    Loomis: Cookie Woman?

    Cop at Pageant: [into walkie talkie] Dale's Gas Station, 5th in Main.

  • Rachel: [on the phone] Bye, sweetie. I love you. You be a good girl. Bye.

    Loomis: [hangs the phone up] So, she was perfectly all right. Come on, Billy, I think Jamie needs to get some rest.

    Billy: Jamie, are you okay?

    [tries to touch her, but she slaps him away]

    Loomis: Come on.

    [Billy leaves, Loomis stays and closes the door; he gets a pen and paper]

    Loomis: You sense something, don't you? Tell me. Tell me what you know.

    [she is crying and trying to speak]

    Loomis: Here. Write, write, write. Write what you know! Jamie, please. Please.

  • Billy: When you hear a baby crying, or you hear a kid crying, you keep moving, okay? Children can sen - sense them. It's your warning.

    Julia Lund: Warning against what?

    Billy: Also, they affect the electrical things. They affect the lights and the phones. They - they affect things.

  • Billy: [to Julia] They can't be in the light. They hide in the dark so you can't see them.

  • Billy: [to Julia] I mean, I've been doing research and reading... and


    Billy: I don't think I'm alone. Poe, I think - I think he saw them too. His writing's dark and hopeless and he went crazy too and I...

  • Billy: I even tried to find out if there's other people like us. I made friends to see - see if it wasn't just me and you know what I found out?

    Julia Lund: What?

    Billy: Nobody can help me.

  • Billy: I'm scared.

    [electricity buzzes and baby cries]

    Billy: [Billy whimpers] I'm scared.

    Julia Lund: There's nothing to be scared of.

    Billy: You're wrong.


  • Billy: [electricity starts to buzz] They're here.

  • Billy: You remember those night terrors that we used to have?

    Julia Lund: What, when we were kids?

    Billy: [nods head "yes"] That's when they marked us. And now they're back.

  • Billy: Pretty things always have a tragic end. It's one of the laws of nature and only serves to make them more beautiful.

  • Billy: This is a man's trip.

    Jason: But who knows whats out there, Billy. This could turn into a dead-man's trip.

  • Billy: Fuck you mum, and you have got a mustache!

    Ed: Billy! Are you okay?

    Billy: No, my mum's a fuckin' bitch and my nan's a whore!

    Ed: Oh, shit, Billy, calm Down.

    Billy: And those Things have got me out of the house!

    Ed: It's all right, it's all right.

    Billy: What the fuck's that?

    Ed: A gun. I found it round the block, you know.

    Billy: Let's have a look.

    Ed: I'm as good as packin'.

    Billy: What, can I borrow it?

    Ed: Oh, no, sorry it's mine. Why don't you just get back in there, be a man, and just throw her ass out! Come on, Billy. Go on! Oh, Billy? Shit.

  • Billy: When I've finished with the Green Baize Vampire, he's gonna need a blood transfusion, a brain transplant and a set of National Health railings.

  • [Billy is waiting in his dressing room for the start of his match against Maxwell Randall]

    T.O: The word is Maxwell's very confident.

    Billy: So was Hitler.

  • Maribel: I don't know about you guys, but mama's gettin' laid tonight.

    Billy: All the guys here have girlfriends.

    Maribel: Good, it means they won't call me in the morning...

  • Rodel: How do you know if your boyfriend is gay?

    Billy: How?

    Rodel: His dick tastes like shit.

  • Roscoe Horne: I could use a bright boy like you! You could be my assistant. Do you know anything about machinery?

    Billy: I know all about plows and tractors and things...

    Roscoe Horne: Good! Then I'll be your assistant.

  • Billy: Well, now! If she don't look as fresh as a daisy beside an outhouse!

  • Billy: You're the normal one, right? The one who doesn't die in the end?

  • Barney Snow: Billy, you're going to get in trouble riding around this late.

    Billy: What are they going to do, kill me?

  • Billy: C'mon Mazzo, get in.

    Mazzo: I can walk.

    Billy: And I can tap dance, get in the chair.

  • Billy: [about Heaven] What's it like there?

    Leslie: Well, I made a little storybook for you. It doesn't have any pictures and it doesn't have any words, but it's the most wonderful story in the whole world.

    Billy: How can it be any, a good story if it doesn't have any pictures?

    Leslie: Let's see how it ends first. This gold page tells us all about Heaven. It's God's home, filled with brightness and glory. The Bible says that Heaven has streets made of pure gold like glass. No one is ever sick and no one dies and everybody's happy.

    Billy: Does everybody go there?

    Leslie: Well, God would like everybody to go there but there's one thing that can never be in Heaven.

    Billy: What's that?

    Leslie: Sin.

    Billy: Sin? What's sin?

    Leslie: It's when you and I do things our way instead of God's way. It's doing, thinking or saying bad things, anything that makes God unhappy. That's what this black page reminds us of; sin in our lives. When it's dark we stumble and can't find our way. And sin, Billy, is what separates us from God.

    Billy: What's on the next page?

    Leslie: This red page shows us the way God made for you and me to have our sins forgiven, or taken away. God sent His son Jesus from Heaven to take our punishment for sin. Wicked men nailed Jesus to a cross, and God put all our sins on Him.

    Billy: You mean all our naughty stuff?

    Leslie: That's right, our lies, our meanness. And the Bible it says the blood of Jesus is what cleanses us from sin.

    Billy: What color's the next page?

    Leslie: The next page is white. You know what that means?

    Billy: No.

    Leslie: It means we can be made cleaned from our sin.

    Billy: You mean everybody; my mom, me and David?

    Leslie: If they believe that Jesus died for them, they can.

  • [Billy picks up a gunbelt]

    Billy: Well, I guess if I am going to be wanted man, I might as well wear this.

    Will Brocious: Every well-dressed bad man does, Billy.

  • Will Brocious: Billy, this sure is your day. You not only steal your first necklace, you break outta jail, help rob a stage, get yourself baptized in the bargain.

    Billy: Yea. That's some day

    Will Brocious: [to Dan] Where you going?

    Dave Dunson: Gonna see what I can do with this money.

    Will Brocious: You mean take it back?

    Dave Dunson: Yea, that's right.

    Will Brocious: Well I can just see that. You just go riding back into town, stop somebody on the street; "Pardon me Sir. I wonder if you'd mind taking this money off my hands.You see, I just broke jail this morning. Right after I tried to kill the marshall. Then this fool stage driver come ridin' up and throwed it right in my lap. and then he high tailed it back for town. Now since my specialty is murder and breaking jail, I really don't have any use for it. You understand? Sir?"

  • [Springer explains the difference between the Canadian frontier and the American frontier to a pair of U.S. lawmen]

    Const. Springer: Oh, we don't have gunfighters up here.

    Ben: No?

    Billy: How come?

    Const. Springer: There's no need. That's the difference.

  • Const. Springer: Well, doesn't it ever make you think though?

    Ben: About what?

    Const. Springer: That you have to tie a gun to your leg wherever you go.

    Ben: You mean you don't here?

    Const. Springer: No.

    Billy: Why?

    Const. Springer: The force. You see, we arrived in this territory long before any whites moved in. The law got here first, you might say. It's the other way around in your country. The settlers come, crime gets out of hand. They pin a star on a man. Like it or not he gets the job done... but it sure makes for a lot of dead men in the street.

  • Ben: It just so happens that there are ten women for every man in Sonora.

    Billy: Who said?

    Ben: I said! I oughta know - I've been through over half of 'em. Been there yet if I hadn't pulled a leg muscle.

  • [Billy is playing his harmonica]

    Grandfather Stanhope: Quit that squalkin', Billy!

    Billy: Yessir, Colonel. I was just keepin' my mouth warm.

  • Corey: Why can't I touch you?

    Billy: 'Cause we'll explode.

Browse more character quotes from The Fifth Element (1997)