Bill Quotes in King Arthur: Legend of the Sword (2017)

Bill: Leave him with me, boss.

King Arthur: Put your ring back on honey-tits, you haven't had enough porridge this morning to talk like that. And if you want that sword so much, your lordship, you can keep it... to peel your grapes.

[slap]

Bill: Now, that would have hurt a lot more if I'd left the ring on.

Bill: You've made quite a celebrity of yourself among the Blackleg ranks.

Bedivere: You've done very nicely on the back of your cozy relationship with your King's men.

King Arthur: I'm a little old for finger-wagging and speeches. So unless you're my dad, which... I believe is unlikely, can you just get around to telling me exactly what it is you want?

[first lines]

Bill: Do you find me sadistic? You know, I bet I could fry an egg on your head right now, if I wanted to. You know, Kiddo, I'd like to believe that you're aware enough even now to know that there's nothing sadistic in my actions. Well, maybe towards those other... jokers, but not you. No Kiddo, at this moment, this is me at my most...

[cocks pistol]

Bill: masochistic.

The Bride: Bill... it's your baby...

[BLAM!]

[last lines]

Bill: One more thing, Sofie... is she aware her daughter is still alive?

Bill: If you had to guess where she was headed next, what would be your best guess?

Sofie Fatale: Guessing won't be necessary. She informed me. She said that I could keep my wicked life for two reasons...

[flashback]

The Bride: As I said before, I've allowed you to keep your wicked life for two reasons. And the second reason is so you can tell him in person everything that happened here tonight. I want him to witness the extent of my mercy by witnessing your deformed body. I want you to tell him all the information you just told me. I want him to know what I know. I want him to know I want him to know. And I want them all to know they'll all soon be as dead as O-Ren.

The Bride: How did you find me?

Bill: [off screen] I'm the man.

Elle Driver: Hello, Bill.

Bill: What's her condition?

Elle Driver: Comatose.

Bill: Where is she?

Elle Driver: I'm standing over her right now.

Bill: That's my girl. Elle, you're gonna have to abort the mission.

Elle Driver: WHAT?

Bill: We owe her better than that.

Elle Driver: NO YOU DON'T! YOU DON'T OWE HER SHIT!

Bill: Will you keep your voice down?

Elle Driver: [whispering] You don't owe her shit!

Bill: May I say one thing?

Elle Driver: Speak.

Bill: Y'all beat the hell out of that woman, but you didn't kill her. And I put a bullet in her head, but her heart just kept on beatin'. Now, you saw that yourself with your own beautiful blue eye, did you not? We've done a lot of things to this lady. And if she ever wakes up, we'll do a whole lot more. But one thing we won't do is sneak into her room in the night like a filthy rat and kill her in her sleep. And the reason we won't do that thing is because... that thing would lower us. Don't you agree, Miss Driver?

Elle Driver: I guess.

Bill: Do you really have to guess?

Elle Driver: [sighs] No. I don't really have to guess. I know.

Bill: Come on home, honey.

Elle Driver: Affirmative.

Bill: I love you very much.

Elle Driver: I love you, too. Bye-bye.

Bill: Sofie, Sofie, my Sofie. I'm so sorry.

Sofie Fatale: Please... please forgive my betrayal.

Bill: No more of that.

Sofie Fatale: But still...

Bill: But still nothing. Nothing, except my aching heart, at what she's done to my beautiful and brilliant Sofie.

Bill: Am I really dying?

Pasquale Acosta "S.A. Gerald Diego": We are all dying.

Bill: Uh, no. No. That area is currently under construction.

Bill: No, we've been looking to renovate this area of our hotel for some time.

Bill: Pai Mei taught you the five point palm-exploding heart technique?

The Bride: Of course he did.

Bill: Why didn't you tell me?

The Bride: I don't know... because I'm a bad person.

Bill: No. You're not a bad person. You're a terrific person. You're my favorite person, but every once in a while, you can be a real cunt.

Bill: As you know, l'm quite keen on comic books. Especially the ones about superheroes. I find the whole mythology surrounding superheroes fascinating. Take my favorite superhero, Superman. Not a great comic book. Not particularly well-drawn. But the mythology... The mythology is not only great, it's unique.

The Bride: [who still has a needle in her leg] How long does this shit take to go into effect?

Bill: About two minutes, just long enough for me to finish my point. Now, a staple of the superhero mythology is, there's the superhero and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When that character wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic Superman stands alone. Superman didn't become Superman. Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red "S", that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears - the glasses, the business suit - that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent. He's weak... he's unsure of himself... he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race. Sorta like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plimpton.

The Bride: Ah-so. The point emerges.

Bill: You would've worn the costume of Arlene Plimpton. But you were born Beatrix Kiddo. And every morning when you woke up, you'd still be Beatrix Kiddo. Oh, you can take the needle out.

The Bride: [does so] Are you calling me a superhero?

Bill: I'm calling you a killer. A natural born killer. You always have been, and you always will be. Moving to El Paso, working in a used record store, goin' to the movies with Tommy, clipping coupons. That's you, trying to disguise yourself as a worker bee. That's you tryin' to blend in with the hive. But you're not a worker bee. You're a renegade killer bee. And no matter how much beer you drank or barbecue you ate or how fat your ass got, nothing in the world would ever change that.

The Bride: You and I have unfinished business.

Bill: Baby, you ain't kidding.

Bill: How do I look?

The Bride: You look ready.

The Bride: How did you find me?

Bill: I'm the man.

The Bride: You know, five years ago, if I had to make a list of impossible things that would never happen, you performing a coup de grace on me, by busting a cap in my crown, would have been right at the top of the list. But I'd be wrong, wouldn't I?

Bill: [slightly drunk] ... I'm sorry, was that a question? Of impossible things that could never happen, in this case, yes, you would have been wrong.

The Bride: Well?

Bill: When you didn't come back, I naturally assumed that Lisa Wong or somebody else had killed you. Oh, and for the record, letting someone think that someone they love is dead when they're not is quite cruel. I mourned you for three months. And in the third month of mourning you, I tracked you down. Now, I wasn't trying to track you down. I was trying to track down the fucking assholes who I thought killed you. So, I find you. And what do I find? Not only are you not dead, you're getting married, to some fucking jerk, and you're pregnant. I... overreacted.

[long pause]

The Bride: You overreacted?

Bill: You hocked a Hattori Hanzo Sword?

Budd: Yep.

Bill: It was priceless.

Budd: Well, not in El Paso, it ain't. In El Paso I got me $250 for it.

Bill: Now... When it comes to you, and us, I have a few unanswered questions. So, before this tale of bloody revenge reaches its climax, I'm going to ask you some questions, and I want you to tell me the truth. However, therein lies a dilemma. Because, when it comes to the subject of me, I believe you are truly and utterly incapable of telling the truth, especially to me, and least of all, to yourself. And, when it comes to the subject of me, I am truly and utterly incapable of believing anything you say.

The Bride: How do you suppose we solve this dilemma?

Bill: Well, it just so happens I have a solution.

[he shoots The Bride with a dart filled with Truth Serum]

Bill: Gotcha!

The Bride: Goddamn! What the fuck did you just shoot me with?

Bill: My greatest invention. Or at least, my favorite one.

[she reaches for the dart]

Bill: Don't touch it, or I'll stick another one right in your cheek.

Bill: Anyhow, they all fell under her Hanzo sword.

Budd: She's got a Hanzo sword?

Bill: He made one for her.

Budd: Didn't he swear a blood oath to never make another sword?

Bill: It would appear he has broken it.

Budd: Them Japs sure know how to hold a grudge.

[laughs]

Budd: Or maybe... you just tend to bring that out in people.

Bill: Once upon a time in China, some believe, around the year one double-aught three, head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei, was walking down the road, contemplating whatever it is that a man of Pai Mei's infinite power contemplates - which is another way of saying "who knows?" - when a Shaolin monk appeared, traveling in the opposite direction. As the monk and the priest crossed paths, Pai Mei, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the monk the slightest of nods. The nod was not returned. Now was it the intention of the Shaolin monk to insult Pai Mei? Or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the monk remain unknown. What is known, are the consequences. The next morning Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin Temple and demanded of the Temple's head abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The Abbot at first tried to console Pai Mei, only to find Pai Mei was inconsolable. So began the massacre of the Shaolin Temple and all sixty of the monks inside at the fists of the White Lotus. And so began the legend of Pai Mei's five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique.

The Bride: And what, pray tell, is the five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique?

Bill: Quite simply, the deadliest blow in all of martial arts. He hits you with his fingertips at five different pressure points on your body. And then he lets you walk away. But after you've taken five steps, your heart explodes inside your body, and you fall to the floor, dead.

Bill: He'll accept you as his student.

The Bride: Caught him in a good mood, aye?

Bill: More like a sadistic one. Just seeing those steps again makes me ache. You're gonna have plenty of fun carrying buckets of water up and down that fucker.

The Bride: Why did he accept me?

Bill: Because he's a very very very old man. And like all rotten bastards, when they get old, they become lonely. Not that that has any effect on their disposition. But they do learn the value of company.

The Bride: When will I see you again?

Bill: That's the title of my favorite soul song of the Seventies.

The Bride: What?

Bill: Nothing. When he tells me you're done.

The Bride: When do you think that might be?

Bill: That my dearest, all depends on you. Now remember, no backtalk, no sarcasm. Least not for the first year. You're going to have to let him warm up for you. He hates Caucasians, despises Americans, and has nothing but contempt for women, so in your case, that may take a little while. Adios.

[the Bride sees B.B. for the first time]

B.B.: Freeze, Mommy!

Bill: Bang bang!

[pretends to be shot]

Bill: Oh! She got us, B.B. I'm dying.

B.B.: Oh, I'm dying, I'm dying...

Bill: Fall down, sweetheart. Mommy shot you.

[both fall down and pretend to die]

Bill: [in a narrative tone] But little did Quick-Draw Kiddo know that little B.B. was only playing possum, due to the fact that she was impervious to bullets.

B.B.: [sits up] I am pervious to bullets, Mommy.

Bill: Hey, get back down there. You're playing possum.

[in a narrative tone]

Bill: So, as the smirking killer approached what she thought was a bullet-ridden corpse, that's when little B.B. fired!

[B.B. gets up and pretends to shoot the Bride]

B.B.: Bang bang!

Bill: You're dead, Mommy... so die.

[the Bride is still shocked]

Bill: B.B.

[comes out of it and acts out a huge death scene]

The Bride: Oh, B.B., you got me. I should have known... you are the best.

[collapses to the ground and pretends to die]

B.B.: Oh, Mommy, don't die. I was just playing.

The Bride: I know.

The Bride: [Describing her pregnancy to Bill] Before that strip turned blue, I was a woman. I was your woman. I was a killer who killed for you. Before that strip turned blue, I would have jumped a motorcycle onto a speeding train... for you. But once that strip turned blue, I could no longer do any of those things. Not anymore. Because I was going to be a mother. Can you understand that?

Bill: Yes. But why didn't you tell me then instead of now?

The Bride: Because once I would have told you, you'd claim her, and I didn't want that.

Bill: Not your decision to make.

The Bride: Yes, but it was the right decision and I made it for my daughter. She deserved to be born with a clean slate. But with you, she would have been born in a world she shouldn't have. I had to choose... I chose her.

The Bride: Did he teach you that?

Bill: No. He teaches no one the five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique. Now, Kiddo, one of the things I always liked about you is you appear wise beyond your years. Then allow me to impart a word to the wise. Whatever - WHAT-EVER - Pai Mei says, obey. If you flash him, even for an instant, a defiant eye, he'll pluck it out. And if you throw any American sass his way, he will snap your back and your neck like they were twigs, and that will be the story of you.

Bill: What lies within that dart, just begging to course its way through your veins, is a potent and quite infallible truth serum. I call it "The Undisputed Truth." Twice as strong as sodium penethol, with none of the druggie after-effect. Oh, except for a slight wave of euphoria. Can you feel it?

The Bride: Euphoria?

Bill: Yeah.

The Bride: No.

Bill: Too bad.

The Bride: You want to come to the wedding?

Bill: Only if I can sit on the bride's side.

The Bride: You'll find it a bit lonely on my side.

Bill: Your side always was a bit lonely. But I wouldn't sit anywhere else.

Budd: I'm a bouncer in a titty bar, Bill. If she wants to fight me, all she gotta do is come down to the Club, start some shit, and we'll be in a fight.

Bill: I know we haven't spoken in some time. And the last time we spoke wasn't the most pleasant. But you've to got to get over being mad at me and start becoming afraid of

[beep]

Bill: because she is coming, and she is coming to kill you. And unless you accept my assistance, I have no doubt she will succeed.

Budd: I don't dodge guilt, and I don't Jew out of paying my comeuppance.

Bill: Can't we just... forget the past?

Budd: That woman, deserves her revenge and... we deserve to die. But then again, so does she. So, I guess we'll just see. Won't we?

Bill: Mommy is still angry at Daddy.

B.B.: Why?

Bill: Well sweety, I love Mommy, but I did to Mommy what you did to Emilio.

B.B.: You stomped on Mommy?

Bill: Worse. I shot Mommy. Not pretend shoot, like we were just doing. I shot her for real.

B.B.: Why? Did you want to see what would happen?

Bill: No, I knew what would happen to Mommy if I shot her. What I didn't know is, when I shot Mommy, what would happen to me.

B.B.: What happened?

Bill: I was very sad. And that was when I learned, some things, once you do, they can never be undone.

[his opinion of Tommy]

Bill: When I first saw him... I like his hair.

The Bride: You promised you'd be nice.

Bill: No, I said I'd do my best. That's hardly a promise.

Bill: Isn't it supposed to be bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding?

Tommy Plympton: Well, let's just say I like to live dangerously.

Bill: I know just what you mean.

Bill: I was just admiring your sword. Quite a piece of work. Speaking of which, how is Hanzo-san?

The Bride: He's good.

Bill: Has his sushi gotten any better?

The Bride: [shakes her head]

Bill: You know, I couldn't believe it. You got him to make you a sword.

The Bride: It was easy. I just dropped your name, Bill.

Bill: [chuckles] That'd do it.

[first lines]

Bill: Do you find me sadistic? You know, Kiddo, I'd like to believe that you're aware enough even now to know that there's nothing sadistic in my actions. At this moment, this is me at my most masochistic.

The Bride: Bill, it's your bab...

[BLAM!]

Bill: Was my reaction really that surprising?

The Bride: Yes, it was. Could you do what you did? Of course you could. But, I never thought you would or could do that to me.

Bill: I'm really sorry, Kiddo. But you thought wrong.

Bill: I suppose the traditional way to conclude this is, we cross Hanzo swords. Well, it just so happens, this hacienda comes with its very own private beach. And this private beach just so happens to look particularly beautiful bathed in moonlight. And there just so happens to be a full moon out tonight. So, swordfighter, if you want to sword fight, that's where I suggest. But if you wanna be old school about it - and you know I'm all about old school - then we can wait till dawn, and slice each other up at sunrise, like a couple real-life, honest-to-goodness samurais.

Budd: You're telling me she cut through eighty-eight bodyguards before she got to O-Ren?

Bill: Nah, there weren't really eighty-eight of them. They just called themselves "The Crazy 88."

Budd: How come?

Bill: I don't know. I guess they thought it sounded cool.

Bill: [the Bride lunges for Bill's sword, Bill draws a gun and shoots, barely missing her] Now if you don't settle down, I'm gonna have to put one in your kneecap. And I hear tell that's a very painful place to get shot in.

[he suddenly fires again, hitting a fruit bowl and splattering the Bride, making her jump]

Bill: Ha ha ha! I'm just fucking with you.

Bill: Lucky for us all, that's not the case.

The Bride: What are you doing here?

Bill: What am I doing? A moment ago, I was playin' my flute. But this moment, I'm looking at the most beautiful bride these old eyes have ever seen.

The Bride: Why are you here?

Bill: Last look.

The Bride: Are you going to be nice?

Bill: I've never been nice my whole life, but I'll do my best... to be sweet.

[discussing Tommy Plympton, the Bride's husband-to-be]

Bill: And what does he do for a living?

The Bride: He owns a record store.

Bill: Ah. And what do you plan to do?

The Bride: I work in the record store.

Bill: Ah. Suddenly, it all seems so clear.

The Bride: Do I look pretty?

Bill: Oh, yes.

The Bride: Thank you.

Jo: [cow flies by in the storm while in Bill's truck] Cow.

[cow flies by in the storm]

Jo: another cow.

Bill: Actually I think that was the same one.

Bill: Jo. Things go wrong. You can't explain it, you can't predict it. Killing yourself wo'nt bring your dad back. I'm sorry that he died, but that was a long time ago. You gotta move on. Stop living in the past, and look what you got right in front of you.

Jo: What are you talking about?

Bill: Me, Jo.

[about Bill's new fiancée, while in his truck]

Bill: She's a... a therapist.

Jo: Oh... Yours?

Bill: Christ, you couldn't resist, could you?

Jo: What? I'm not saying you *need* therapy.

Bill: What? Wait, wait, wait, I need therapy?

Jo: I didn't say that. I didn't *say* that.

Bill: What could I possibly need a therapist for? Huh? You're the doctor, tell me!

Jo: I don't know... inability to finish things?

Bill: "Inability to finish things"?

Jo: Maybe rushing into things you can't quite commit to.

Bill: Commitment?

Jo: You asked!

Joey: [Discussing at Meg's on the tornadoes they have seen so far at Meg's home at her dining table, eating steak and eggs] No, that was a good size twister. What was it, an F3?

Bill: Solid F2.

Melissa: See, now you have lost me again.

Bill: It's the Fujita scale. It measures a tornado's intensity by how much it eats.

Melissa: Eats?

Bill: Destroys.

Laurence: That one we encountered back there was a strong F2, possibly an F3.

Beltzer: Maybe we'll see some 4's.

Haynes: That would be sweet!

Bill: 4 is good. 4 will relocate your house very efficiently.

Melissa: Is there an F5?

[Everyone goes dead silent]

Melissa: What would that be like?

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: The Finger of God.

Melissa: None of you has ever seen an F5?

Bill: ...Just one of us.

[Looks upstairs, indicating Jo]

Melissa: [at Meg's home at her dining table, eating steak and eggs] Why do you call Billy "The Extreme?"

Dusty: Because Billy *is* "The Extreme."

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: Bill is the most outta control son of a bitch in the game!

Bill: [looking at Jo] No, I think I came in second.

Dusty: So we get this one near Daleton, right?

Rabbit: Oh, God.

Jo: You guys have got to get some new stories. I'm gonna go wash up.

Dusty: And we are way too close. And Jo's got the vid on it right, she's filming it. And all of the sudden outta nowhere, this shitty lookin' green Valiant comes pulling up right in the way.

Beltzer: [points to Bill] And this loser stumbles out of the car, he's got like a bottle of Jack Daniel's in his hand...

Dusty: He's naked!

Rabbit: He is *butt* naked!

Beltzer: Naked!

Bill: NOT naked! I was NOT naked!

Beltzer: [whispering & laughing in Melissa's ear] He was without apparel.

Bill: Half naked.

Dusty: Naked. Ok, so Jo's yelling at him to get out of the way, right?

[all laugh]

Dusty: And he just strolls up to the twister, says 'have a drink', and he chucks the bottle into the twister, and it NEVER hits the ground.

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: The twister caught it, and sucked it right up!

Bill: [directing towards Melissa] Honey, this is a tissue of lies. See, there was another Bill, an evil Bill, and I killed him.

[Jo and Bill are trying to hide from the F5 in a barn but see it's full of sharp metal farming implements]

Jo: My god, who are these people?

Bill: I don't think so!

Jo: [in the middle of an argument chasing the first tornado, veering off the road] Do you want me to drive?

Bill: [while looking at Jo instead of road] No!

Jo: [Seeing they are heading for a large combine parked along the side of the road] Then would you?

[Bill swerves to avoid]

Beltzer: [over the radio, referring to Jo and Bill arguing] Hey, you guys want to wrap this up pretty soon?

Bill: [over the radio] What?

Beltzer: Oh, nothing. I was just wondering if you wanted to chase this tornado, or if you just wanted to catch the next one.

Bill: Shit!

Dusty: Jo, Bill, it's coming! It's headed right for us!

Bill: It's already here!

Bill: [after the tornado pass by them at the drive in movie theater] Honey, it's Meg. I gotta go.

Melissa: I'm going back.

Bill: Good, good, you'll be safe at the motel. I'll see you in the morning.

Melissa: I won't be there.

Bill: What? Why? What are you saying?

Melissa: I'm saying goodbye.

Bill: No...

Melissa: You know what? I can't compete with this. I don't even know where to start.

Bill: Wait, don't do this now, please.

Melissa: Sooner or later it would have ended, we both know that. The funny thing is... I'm not that upset. What does that mean?

Bill: I never meant for any of this to happen,

Melissa: Oh Billy, I know. It's okay. You go ahead. She needs you. I hope that Aunt Meg's okay.

Bill: What about you?

Melissa: Oh, don't worry about me. I know my way home.

[Bill needs Jo's signature on divorce papers]

Jo: So you want the papers?

Bill: I did drive all the way out here for 'em.

Jo: They're signed and ready.

Bill: Good, good. Let's see 'em.

Jo: Do you need them right this second?

Bill: Well, it'd be nice.

Jo: What's the urgent urgency? You act like you're getting married.

Bill: I am.

Jo: [after a shocked pause] Wow.

Bill: Yeah.

Jo: [while talking to her truck as Bill follows her] Is it Melinda?

Bill: Melissa.

Jo: Wasn't there a Melinda in there somewhere?

Bill: No, there's only been Melissa since you.

Jo: Boy, not much for browsing are you?

[Jo is salvaging belongings from her crashed truck and looking at Bill's new truck]

Jo: You got full coverage on that truck?

Bill: Liability only.

Jo: [thoughtfully] Liability only...

Jo: It's a very pretty truck.

Melissa: [smiling] Thank you.

Bill: Don't even think about it.

[Jo keeps cleaning out her truck]

Bill: No way.

Jo: [in her truck] Can I drive?

Bill: No!

Jo: Then would you?

Bill: [noticing truck has drifted off the road and is about to run into a parked vehicle] Whoa!

Jo: [referring to Mellissa, while in her truck] She's nice.

Bill: Ha!

Jo: Uh oh. She's not nice?

Jo: Have you lost your nerve?

Bill: Tighten your seatbelt.

Bill: [Rabbit is leading them through a field as a short cut to get ahead of Jonas] This is a field, Rabbit.

Rabbit: I know, keep going beyond it, right through that brush. See that brush right in front of you?

Bill: Yeah we see the brush, what's beyond that?

Rabbit: Beyond what?

Jo: Beyond what? Beyond the brush!

Bill: The brush, a brick wall, a bearded lady, what?

Rabbit: Oh, um... it's the highway, it's the highway.

Jo: [the team seems to be heading into nothing but taller brush] Where's the road, Rabbit?

Allan Sanders: Yeah where's the road man?

Rabbit: It should be any moment.

Bill: Watch out!

[Without warning, Jo almost slams right into Jonas's van as they reach the highway. The rest of Jo's team also force much of Jonas's caravan off the road]

Jason 'Preacher' Rowe: [Sarcastically] Hello! Shit.

Bill: [to Jo] Why can't we spend a normal day together?

[Bill and Jo are in the shed hiding from the F5 tornado and bill sees water pipes coming out of the floor]

Bill: Here! These pipes go down at least thirty feet, if we anchor to them we might have a chance!

Joey: [Computer beeps] We've got a touchdown!

Laurence: [On radio] We have touchdown! Touchdown! Tornado is on the ground!

Haynes: [Hands radio to Beltzer] Listen to this!

Laurence: Looks like it's heading down Route 33.

Bill: Jo, we're on 33.

Jo: What's the path?

Laurence: Looks like it's going about 35 mph.

Rabbit: [Looking around] Can you see this?

Allan Sanders: I can not see this. Where is it? Hello? Which way you guys looking?

Bill: Where, where, where...

Jo: Direction, Rabbit.

Rabbit: North northeast!

Beltzer: Do you see it?

Haynes: No.

Rabbit: North northeast, you copy?

Bill: Shit, it's coming right at us!

Laurence: Axis has gone vertical, gone vertical. Sucker's really gaining up strength.

Jo: You see it?

Bill: No...

[Takes radio]

Bill: Beltzer! We do not have a visual. Repeat, we do not have a visual. Help us out here!

Jo: Where is it?

Beltzer: Yeah, I got it Billy. Best motion I've ever seen. Looks like the base of this sucker's at least a half mile wide.

Bill: Rabbit?

Rabbit: If you are going east on 7, it should be coming right over that hill in a matter of minutes!

Allan Sanders: This is the one man, I feel it.

[after the twister has passed]

Bill: It's gone... it's gone.

Jo: [looking behind them] Where's my truck?

[cut to road; truck crashes to the ground in front of Melissa in Bill's truck]

Melissa: [screams]

Jo: [in the truck, discussing Bill's current life changes] Hey, as long as you're happy...

Bill: I AM. I AM happy. I'm a happy person. I'm happy with my life. I'm happy with the way things are going in my life. I'm happy with... with...

Jo: Melissa?

Bill: I know her name! YES. I'm happy... with... Melissa!

Bill: [over radio] OK, Rabbit, time to impress me.

Dr. Jonas Miller: [explaining what his own version of Dorothy can do when Bill uppercuts him in the face] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Bill: You son of a bitch. What'd you think, I wouldn't find out?

[grabs Jonas by his shirt and begins to fight]

Dr. Jonas Miller: What is the matter with you?

Bill: You stole my design, you son of a bitch.

[continues to fight with Jonas then Bill's team and Jonas' team breaks them up]

Dr. Jonas Miller: The hell are you talking about?

Bill: Dorothy. You took her, you damn thief.

Dr. Jonas Miller: [relizes what Bill is talking about] Oh, I get it. You want to take credit for MY design.

Bill: She was OUR idea and you know it.

Dr. Jonas Miller: Unrealised idea... unrealised.

Dusty: [seeing Bill for the first time in a long time] The extreme! IT'S THE EXTREME!

Bill: Oh, man. Don't start that shit.

Dusty: [to Melissa] Jo's gonna flip when she sees he's back!

Bill: [while walking away to find Jo] I'm not back!

Dr. Jonas Miller: Today, we're gonna make history, so stick around. 'Cause the days of sniffing the dirt are over.

Laurence: Better than what *you* sniff.

Bill: We'll see who gets there first... "pal".

Dr. Jonas Miller: [to Bill] Oh, by the way. I really enjoy your weather reports.

[Jonas' crew laugh]

Bill: [runs at Jonas] You slime! I'm not through with you yet!

[Jo's crew break up the fight]

Laurence: [of Jonas] He's a corporate kiss-butt, man!

[first lines]

Clown: I need a doctor!

Driver: I'll get you a vet, you son of a bitch! You should'a shot him first!

Bill: [over radio] We've got two clowns heading south on Wall 51, four miles from the border.

Driver: And stop bleeding on my money!

Bill: [over radio] All units be advised, suspects are armed and dangerous.

Driver: [Clown vomiting blood] What the fuck?

Driver: [narration] Well, hello boys and girls. there's nothing worse than a sad clown. Unless it's a clown bleeding internally and coughing it all over your money.

Bill: This thing will never get off the ground. Never fly. Take my word for it.

Gloria Swanson: Young man, you think this thing will not fly? In 1917 I was flying in something wilder than this. Do you know who the pilot was?

Bill: Wiley Post?

Gloria Swanson: [Chuckles] No. Cecil B. De Mille and we flew from Hollywood nonstop to Pasadena. Yes, and on the way home we did loop the loops so I could see the moon upside down.

Arnie: What do you do in Salt Lake City?

Bill: I went there once. It was closed.

Bill: That's enough of that for you. The convention's over. I want you to taper off.

Bill: No more!

Sam: You should've stuck to the Blue Nun.

Arnie: We've got a plane to catch, Sammy boy!

Bill: [Drunk] We've got a plane!

Arnie: Bartender, another one all around.

Bill: No more!

Sam: [sings] California here I come right back where!

[Glass shatters - Mrs Devaney has her drinking glass knocked out of her hand at the airport by Sam]

Sam: I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Oh excuse me...

Bill: Oh Sammy! I'm sorry he's a little sloshed. You know what I mean?... Listen, we'd like to buy you a drink.

Mrs. Devaney: Well, maybe a little bourbon on the rocks.

Bill: You got it. Nurse, bourbon on the rocks for the lady, please.

Mrs. Devaney: With a small beer chaser.

Arnie: Jesus Christ, a boilermaker.

Bill: I went out with a girl once who was half French and half Chinese. I came home late one night, she ate my laundry!

Gloria: What can I do to ever repay you for helping me out?

Bill: Oh, A LOT!

Will: We should've brought Jessica with us

Rod: No she's dead. She was bitten by that zombie. We would've brought her, she would've affected all of us!

Bill: Yeah Will, He's right.

Bill: We're making a movie!

Bill: Hey, we should go into that zoo. There maybe people in there?

Rod: Wait, wait, wait... the last time we we took detours we went into that cemetery, and you remember what happened? We were attacked by those zombies. I'm not going through that again!

Bill: It's not about the babes, boobs and blood.

Tong Po: Hello, Mrs. Sloan. I hope that you had a pleasant trip across the border.

Vicky: Who are you? Why have you brought me here?

Tong Po: Maybe you've heard of me - Tong Po.

Vicky: I've heard of you. You're the pig that framed my husband!

Tong Po: I am afraid so, however I thought I would make it up to him by taking care of his little wife.

Bill: [as Tong Po starts raping her] Go, Po.

Bung: You reckon we're doing any good by being here?

Harry: Not much.

Bung: Why not?

Harry: Because when we get home we'll be an embarrassment to our great nation, the only bastards who'll want to know about us are the silly buggers in this man's army; let's face it, we have no one else.

Bill: You mean the whole attitude has changed about the war?

Harry: Yeah, and the fact that we won't win it; we may have held the fort for a while but the Commos will eventually get hold of this place and it just stands to reason.

Bung: What about the people back home?

Harry: Well I suppose it'll be just like it's been after every other war.

Bill: Well how's that?

Harry: Well a few pods will come up and pat you on the back and tell you what a great bloke you were, that'll last about a week and then nobody will want to hear about it.

Bung: You really think they'll treat us like that?

Harry: Five'll get you ten, oh they'll make a big deal out of it, probably make it an election issue and you can bet within five years every one of us wearing a uniform from the chief of the general staff downwards would've been sold out by some bloody sticky-fingered politician.

Bung: Well what are we doing here then?

Harry: You're a soldier, the same as every other silly prick in this tossed up, fucked up, never-come-down land, that's why you're here because there's no one else, and everyone's got to be somewhere and you're here, so get used to it.

Bill: [trying to drink a can of beer] I can't find the hole.

Harry: You could if it had hair 'round it.

[Bill has picked up a prostitute]

Prostitute: You like me?

Bill: Yeah.

Prostitute: You very big.

Bill: I bet you say that to all the heroes.

Prostitute: Come, we lie down.

Bill: No, we stand.

Prostitute: You crazy?

Bill: Probably.

Bill: Recruit more pimps, more pushers!

Bob: Hey, you're doing pretty well for a first-timer.

Marlin: Well, you can't hold on to them forever, can you?

Bill: You know I had a tough time when my oldest went out to the drop off.

Marlin: They've just got to grow up som - THE DROP OFF? THEY'RE GOING TO THE DROP OFF? WHAT ARE YOU, INSANE? WHY DON'T WE JUST FRY THEM UP NOW AND SERVE THEM WITH CHIPS?

Bob: Hey Marty, calm down.

Marlin: Don't tell me to be calm, pony boy.

Bob: Pony boy?

Bill: You know for a clownfish, he really isn't that funny.

Ted: Pity.

Evil Duke: Put them in the iron maiden.

Ted: Iron Maiden?

Bill, Ted: Excellent!

[air guitar]

Evil Duke: Execute them.

Bill, Ted: Bogus!

Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.

Ted: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...

Ted, Bill: ...MR. GENGHIS KHAN!

[All the students applaud wildly for Khan]

Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.

Bill: You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!

Ted: Now your dad's going for it in your own room!

Bill: Shut up, Ted.

Ted: Your stepmom *is* cute, though.

Bill: Shut up, Ted!

Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?

Bill: SHUT UP, TED!

Missy: Hi, Bill. Want a ride?

Bill: Sure, Missy.

[she draws a blank stare at Bill]

Bill: I mean, Mom.

[she smiles and puts on her Ray-Bans]

Ted: [whispering to Bill] Your stepmom's cute.

Bill: Shut up, Ted.

Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?

Bill: Shut up, Ted!

Bill: So-cratz - "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing".

Ted: That's us, dude.

Bill: You ditched Napoleon!

Ted: Deacon, do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas?

Deacon: He was a dick.

Ted: [both get served beers in a saloon bar] Whoa. He didn't even card us, dude.

Bill: Yeah, we have to remember this place.

Bill: [after Ted was "killed" by a medieval soldier] Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant. Ah, Ted, don't be dead, dude.

[Bill and Ted meet themselves]

Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?

Bill, Ted: 69, dudes.

Bill, Ted: Whoa.

[quadruple air guitar solo]

[Bill and Ted are working on their history report]

Bill: Okay, Ted, George Washington. One: the father of our country.

Ted: Two: born on President's Day.

Bill: Three: the dollar-bill guy.

Ted: Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head? It's like, just like...

Bill: Ted. Alaska.

Ted: Okay. Um... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.

Bill: That's Captain Ahab, dude.

Bill: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.

Ted: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.

Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.

Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?

Bill: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!

Ted: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.

Bill, Ted: EXCELLENT!

[air guitar, the clock chimes 8:00 am]

Bill: Uh oh, we're late!

Ted: For what?

Bill: For school, dude!

Ted: Oh yeah.

Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?

Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy.

Ted: What if we were lying?

Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?

Bill: How's it going, royal ugly dudes?

[Bill and Ted are in Ancient Greece]

Bill: [approaching Socrates] How's it going? I'm Bill, this is Ted. We're from the future.

Socrates: Socrates.

Ted: [whispering to Bill] Now what?

Bill: I dunno. Philosophize with him!

Ted: [clears his throat, to Socrates] "All we are is dust in the wind," dude.

[Socrates gives them a blank stare]

Bill: [scoops up a pile of dust from the basin before them and lets it run out of his hand] Dust.

[he blows the remainder away]

Bill: Wind.

Ted: [points at Socrates] Dude.

[Socrates gasps]

Bill: He's dead?

Mr. Ryan: So, Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short dead dude.

Bill: Well, yeah.

Ted: You totally blew it, dude.

Mr. Ryan: Ted, stand up.

Ted: Stand up?

Mr. Ryan: Yes, son. Stand up.

[Ted stands]

Mr. Ryan: Now, who was Joan of Arc?

Ted: ...Noah's wife?

[laughter, then bell]

[Bill thought Ted was killed]

Bill: Whoa! Ted! You're alive!

Ted: Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor.

[they hug]

Bill, Ted: [to each other] Fag!

[after seeing the Princesses Joanna and Elizabeth]

Bill: Ted?

Ted: I'm in love, dude.

Bill: Whoa. Those must be the princesses you told yourself about at the Circle-K. We gotta go. It's a history report, not a babe report.

Ted: But, Bill, those are historical babes.

Bill: Okay, you're the ladies' man. How we gonna meet 'em?

Billy the Kid: Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep.

Bill, Ted: Sounds good, Mr. The Kid!

One Of The Three Most Important People in the World: It's you!

Ted: Yeah! It's us!

[to Bill]

Ted: Who are we?

[the strangers start playing air guitar, so Bill and Ted play also; more people come out and join them]

Ted: Bill, I think they want us to say something.

Bill: What should I say?

Ted: [shrugs] Make something up.

Bill: Be excellent to each other.

[room murmurs appreciatively]

Ted: Party on, dudes!

[room approves]

Bill: [to Ted] Good one, dude.

[to room]

Bill: Well, we gotta get back to our report.

Ted: Yeah. We'd take you with us, but it's a history report, not a future report.

Bill: Later.

The Three Most Important People in the World: Later.

Billy the Kid: Not bad, eh, Socrates? Where are we, dude?

Bill: England, 15th century.

Ted: We are in most excellent shape for our report.

Bill: Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from medieval.

Billy the Kid: Excellent.

Bill: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.

Bill, Ted: How's it goin' ladies?

Princess Elizabeth: You're the ones we saw in front of the castle.

Ted: I am Ted of San Dimas, and, uh, I bring to you a message of love.

Princess Elizabeth: [giggles] From who?

Ted: [thinking] From... from myself.

Princess Elizabeth: And what is this message you speak of?

Ted: Uh...

Bill: [whispers in ted's ear] Lyrics, dude, recite them some lyrics.

Ted: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time... will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time!

[princesses giggle]

Bill: Way to go, dude!

[an early morning jam]

Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

Ted: And I'm Ted Theo-

[realizes *he's* holding the camera]

Ted: Hold on. Bill, here. You take it.

Bill: Okay.

Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!

[Bill puts the camera on the table]

Bill, Ted: And we're... WYLD STALLYNS!

Bill: Dude, you gotta have a poker face, like me.

[Ted stops grinning at his cards, Bill looks at his own cards]

Bill: Whoa, three aces!

Bearded Cowboy: What the hell's going on here, Billy?

Old West Ugly Dude: Are you a-cheatin' us, Kid?

Billy the Kid: [sweating] Cheating? Me?

[leaps up/flips table over screaming]

Billy the Kid: Aah!

Ted: [they are about to be executed in medieval times] Bill?

Bill: What?

Ted: I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn.

Capt. Logan: I wanna speak with you, son.

[looks at Bill]

Capt. Logan: Alone, please, Bill.

[Bill goes outside]

Capt. Logan: All right, sit down! What am I gonna do with you, huh? You can't be...

Bill: [outside] Great.

Capt. Logan: You lose my keys, you fail history, you spend all your time with your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen. Now, you're not to leave this house again until tommorow morning.

[the phone rings]

Capt. Logan: Yes?

Bill: Captain Logan? This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station.

Capt. Logan: Deputy Van Halen?

[Ted sees Bill on the phone outside]

Bill: I'm new dude - sir. Look, we found your keys. If you want 'em, better come and get 'em.

[hangs up]

Capt. Logan: When I get back from the station, I want you packed and ready to go. Got it?

[Ted nods; Capt. Logan leaves]

Ted: [outside] We are in serious trouble. My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tommorow night.

Bill: Only if we fail, dude.

[they look at the phone booth]

Bill, Ted: No way!

[Bill and Ted have just landed the booth in Bill's yard]

Ted: Uh, Ms. Preston. We'd like you to meet some of our... friends.

Bill: Yeah. This is Dave Beeth-Oven.

[Beethoven kisses Missy's hand. She laughs]

Bill: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid.

Ted: Bob "Genghis" Khan. So-cratz Johnson. Dennis Frood. And, uh, uh... Abraham Lincoln.

Bill, Ted: Excellent.

Bill: [responding to Freud's invitation to examine him] Nah. Just got a minor Oedipal complex.

Ted: [walking down the street with Bill in the west] Hey, Bill. This is just like Frontierland!

Bill: Yeah, but you can get shot here, Ted.

Ted: Oh.

Bill: So just try to act natural.

Ted: Okay. Howdy, partner!

Old West Pedestrian: Howdy.

Bill: Watch out for the horse crap, Ted.

Ted: [sidestepping a big mound of horse excrement] Oh. Thanks, dude.

[as Genghis Khan shows off, Bill narrates]

Bill: As you can see, Genghis very much enjoys Twinkies because of the excellent sugar rush.

Bill: [Reading a note on a desk while sneaking around in the Police Station's administrative section] "Dear Bill and Ted, good luck on the report. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan."

Ted: That was nice of us.

Bill: "P.S. Duck!"

Bill: [They do so and avoid being spotted by an officer worker passing by at that exact time]

[to Ted]

Bill: Excellent work, Dude!

Ted: [to Bill] Way to go!

[Bill and Ted have met themselves again]

Bill, Ted: Catch you later, Bill and Ted.

Bill: That conversation made more sense this time.

Ted: Dude, it's Sigmund Frood.

Bill: How much time we got left?

Ted: Tons. Why?

Bill: Extra credit, dude.

Ted: [to Freud] How's it goin', Frood-dude?

Ted: RUFUS.

Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about.

Bill: Who are you guys?

Future Ted: We're you, dude.

Ted: No way. No... way.

Future Ted: Yes way.

[in Ancient Greece]

Bill: Socrates. Hey, we know that name!

Ted: Yeah! Hey,

[hands Bill the book]

Ted: look him up. Oh, it's under So-cratz.

[upon meeting the "royal ugly dudes"]

Bill: I am the Earl of Preston.

Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted.

Bill: Okay, wait, if we were one of Europe's greatest leaders, and we were stranded in San Dimas for one day, where would we go?

Bill, Ted: [pause] Waterloo!

Bill: Do you know where there are any personages of historical significance around here?

[Bill and Ted see they are about go into a loop in the Circuits of Time]

Ted: What's that?

Bill: I don't know.

Ted, Bill: SHIT!

Bill: If only we could go back to two days ago before your dad lost his keys, and steal them.

Ted: Well, why don't we?

Bill: Cuz we don't have time, dude.

Ted: We could do it after the report.

Bill: Oh, yeah! Where should we put 'em?

Ted: How 'bout behind this sign?

Bill: OK... Whoa! It worked!

Ted: Right, so when we're done with the report, we have to remember to do this or else it won't happen... but it did happen! Wow, it *was* me who stole my dad's keys!

Ted: Okay, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.

Bill: It's not just a water sport, I knew it!

Bill: [TV Version] You killed Ted you medieval 'Bonehead'

White Rabbit: We need a lazard with a liddle... a lad... can you help us?

Bill: At your service, gov'nor.

Dodo: Bill, my lad. Have you ever been down a chimney?

Bill: Why, gov'nor, I've been down more chimneys...

Dodo: Excellent, excellent. Now just hop down the chimney and pull that monster out of there.

Bill: Righto, gov'nor... Monster? Aaaaah!

Ted: I can't believe Missy divorced your Dad, and married mine.

Bill: Shut up, Ted.

[Evil Bill & Ted are holding the real Bill & Ted over a cliff]

Bill: Ted, we gotta do something!

Ted: Dudes, even though you're doing this, we... we...

Bill: We love you!

Ted: We love you!

Evil Bill, Evil Ted: Fags!

[Bill and Ted wake up after having been dead a while. Bill picks out a worm from his ear]

Bill: Dinner's over, worm dude.

Colonel Oats: Get down and give me... infinity.

[they drop to the floor and start doing push-ups, with difficulty. Oats walks in a circle around them while giving them a continuous tirade of abuse]

Colonel Oats: You stupid, pathetic, craven little cretins...

Bill: Dude, there's no way I can possibly do infinity push-ups!

Ted: Maybe if he lets us do them girly-style?

Colonel Oats: ...jokers! You petty, base, bully-bullocked bugger billies. You're not strong! You're silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese worms...

Bill: Dude, we gotta get outta here.

Colonel Oats: I'll eat you up like the warm, toasty little buttercakes you are...

[Bill and Ted jump up and run away]

Colonel Oats: GET BACK HERE!

Bill: Dude!

Ted: What?

Bill: Hell sucks!

Ted: Definitely!

[Bill and Ted fall into an abyss toward hell]

Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAHHHH!

[they run out of breath, then pause and look around, still falling, not sure what to do]

Bill: AAAH...!

Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Bill: Dude, this is a totally deep hole.

Ted: Yeah... now what?

Bill: I don't know.

[pause]

Bill: AAAH...!

Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Ted: You are a most excellent scientist, Station.

Bill: Yeah! Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt!

Big Station: Station!

Bill: You totally killed us, you evil metal dickweeds!

Evil Ted: Yeah, and we're fully gonna do it again!

Ted: Dude, how are we gonna get out of this? We don't got any time!

Bill: Yeah we do, dude. Look, after we get away from this guy, we use the booth. We time travel back to before the concert and set up the things we need to get him now.

Bill: [stage introduction] And over here, our bass player, the Duke of Spook, the Doc of Shock, The Man with No Tan, please say hello to Death himself, the Grim Reaper.

Bill, Ted: Catch you later, God!

Ms. Wardroe: Now, if you were me, would you put you guys on?

Bill, Ted: [in unison] No way.

Ted: Now where are we?

[they hear footsteps]

Bill: Who's that?

[a man in an army uniform is marching towards them]

Ted, Bill: It's Colonel Oats! No way!

Colonel Oats: GENTLEMEN!

[he walks right up to Ted, standing nose-to-nose]

Colonel Oats: Welcome to hell.

[first lines]

Bill: [examining bear tracks] That's a huge male; bet he's more'n fifteen hundred pounds.

Bill: You see, I don't like to ask folks questions; everyone has a secret side. By God, that's the way it should be.

Jupiter Jones: We'll be back in an hour or so, Bill.

Bill: I don't know if I trust you guys.

Pete Crenshaw: We promise. If we get murdered, we won't come to you to complain.

Bill: You get murdered, don't come to me and complain.

Pete Crenshaw: Deal.

Bill: Crap idea to bring kids to Skeleton Island. Unless you wanna get rid of them.

Al Crenshaw: [to the boys] Bill's sense of humor... takes a little gettin' used to.

Bill: Here's a cablegram for you, Gene. I reckon it came from your brother in South Africa.

Frog Milhouse: South Africa!

Gene Autry: Yeah, it's from Tex all right, fellas. Listen to this! "Dear Gene, Barkley and I discovered a rich diamond mine in the Valley of Superstition. Stop. Need horses badly, but impossible to buy. Stop. Bring at once as many as you can round up. Stop. We can auction off those not needed at big profit. Cable your plans immediately care of John Cardigan - Dunbar, South Africa."

Ranch hand: Diamonds, huh?

Frog Milhouse: He's got a diamond mine. A big one, he said!

Gene Autry: We're ridin', fellas. It's South Africa or bust!

Pete: [looking at Sheila] Do you know her?

Bill: Yeah, I know her. Half the guys on the island know her.

Pete: Well, listen, I'm just passing through, but how about a little introduction?

Bill: Pete, do you remember the football game we played with Navy back in ...

Pete: Don't change the subject, just introduce ...

Bill: Not changing the subject! What was the score?

Pete: Nothing to nothing. There was no score.

Bill: THAT is my point! She's a writer for a magazine back in the States. She writes how everyone should give their all to the servicemen. She just doesn't practice what she preaches, that's all.

Bill: Kill or be killed. That's all you have to remember. Just don't forget it.

Bill: You're a lucky man.

Bob Champion: So they said.

Bill: You're fired.

Sebastian: It's Christmas.

Bill: Yeah, I see the decorations. Good luck in the New Year.

Donna: Why are you here? What are you doing here?

Bill: I'm writing a travel piece.

Harry Bright: I'm, I'm here on a spontaneous holiday.

Sam Carmichael: Er, I just dropped in to say... hi.

Sophie: You took... Mom's guitar!

Harry Bright: No, I borrowed it. Look... Now, where is it? "D.S." - Donna Sheridan, and, er, "H.B." - Head-Banger.

Sam Carmichael, Bill: [both] "Head-Banger"?

Harry Bright: I bought her this. It cost me ten quid, plus my Johnny Rotten T-shirt. Your mother knew quite a rebel.

Donna: I better be dreaming, you better not be here.

Bill: You want me to pinch you Donna?

Donna: I'm gonna arrange for a boat to take you all back to the mainland.

Bill: I have a boat, Donna.

Donna: You have a boat? Good, get on it. And, er, anchors aweigh!

Sam Carmichael: Hey...

Donna: Away aweigh!

Sam Carmichael: Donna...

Bill, Sam Carmichael, Harry Bright: [together] It's good to see you!

Rosie: [looking down the hatch of Bill's boat] Cooee!

Bill: Heey! Right in time for breakfast. We're serving up the works here.

[he turns around, revealing his bare bottom]

Rosie: Oh! Think you just did!

[Bill has just realized that he might be Sophie's father]

Sophie: You know what comes next?

Bill: Well, you're not going to tell me that you have a twin sister, are you?

Vinny Gambini: [Vinny is the lawyer, but Stan thinks he is there to sodomize him] Look, it's either me or them. You're gettin' fucked one way or the other.

[Stan tries to get up]

Vinny Gambini: Hey, relax, I'm gonna help you.

Stan: Gee thanks.

Vinny Gambini: Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.

Stan: You think I should be grateful?

Vinny Gambini: Yeah, it's your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fuckin' knees.

Stan: I didn't know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.

Vinny Gambini: I'm doing a favor, you know. You're gettin' me for nothing, you little fuck!

Stan: That's one hell of an ego you got.

Vinny Gambini: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.

Stan: I'm not jerking you off. I'm not doing anything.

Vinny Gambini: That's it. You're on your own. I'll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.

[Wakes up Bill]

Bill: Vinny. Vinny bag o' donuts.

Bill: We think they're trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.

Stan: The Klan's here. They're inbred. They sleep with their sisters.

[a deputy glares at him]

Stan: Some of them do.

Bill: At my cousin Ruthie's wedding, the groom's brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I'm talking about?

Stan: The magician with the ponytail?

Bill: Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, "it's in his pocket", or "he's palming it", you know? Or, "there's a mirror under the table." I mean, he was like, he was like, "wait a second, wait a second, it's joined in the middle, and there's a spring around it, it pops it open when it's inside the tube." It was like Alakazam's worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.

Stan: Why didn't you ask them any questions?

Vinny Gambini: Huh? Ask who questions?

Bill: The witnesses! You know you could have asked questions, didn't you, Vin?

Stan: Damn it, Vinnie! Maybe if you'd put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!

Vinny Gambini: Hey, Stan, you're in Ala-fuckin'-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good ol' boy. There is no way this is not going to trial!

Stan: The laws are medieval down here. Do you know what the minimum age for execution is in Alabama?

Bill: What, sixteen?

Stan: Ten!

Vinny Gambini: Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what's most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?

[puts his hand on the wall]

Bill: Right.

Vinny Gambini: Let me show you something.

[he holds up a playing card, with the face toward Billy]

Vinny Gambini: He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you.

[turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy]

Vinny Gambini: When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

Bill: You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.

Stan: My parents argue too, it doesn't make them good lawyers.

Bill: Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me, they're amateurs.

Bill: We should get tuna.

Stan: Please, no more tuna.

Bill: It has protein, we need protein.

Stan: Beans have protein.

Bill: Beans make you fart.

Stan: We got a convertible.

Bill: [after hearing that he was being accused of murder] WHOA! WAIT A MINUTE!

Bill: Uh oh. His lights are on.

Stan: Fuck. Fuck. Goddammit. Fuck.

Bill: Your 20s are all about like hope, and then your 30s are all about realizing how dumb it was to hope.

[the commune is watching weekend live on TV]

Bill: We've been replaced... by Ben Stiller.

Bill: I was nearly in State Government. Four million votes I needed. No one knew who won for three days 'till the postal vote came in. For three days I was almost there... You reap what you sow. You'd think I'd learn that growing up on a farm. You reap what you sow.

[repeated line]

Bill: Deidre Chambers. What a coincidence.

Bill: Did Perry interview for the police force yet?

Betty: Yes, but they said he couldn't join because he was too tall.

Bill: Push over, Penelope.

Victor Keinosuke: You do a lot for the people of this town, Bill.

Bill: Who told you that?

Victor Keinosuke: You did.

[first lines]

Bill: Hey Brad, don't splash your sister.

Bill: Well, Jack, looks like she got a free drink *and* one of your balls.

Bill: [to Jojo] I'm tellin you I LOVE YOU, and all you love is my *dick*! Do you know how that makes me feel?

[Elise shows Bill proof that his new girlfriend is only sixteen years old]

Elise: Should have done your homework, Bill! I did. Oh, by the way, here's a copy of her birth certificate.

Bill: Oh, God... I didn't know... oh, God! Wh-what are you going to do?

Elise: Oh, what am I gonna do? Well, for now I'm just going to say the f word... *Felony*.

Bill: Nice car, used to have one myself.

Shelly: Thanks. So, what's going on in there? Is it just a lot of battered women dancing around or what?

Bill: Yeah, sort of. Not really my scene.

Shelly: Me neither.

Bill: So, are you here with anybody?

Shelly: Not really.

Bill: How old are you?

Bill: I'll sue you, I'll *break* you! You vindictive sack of silicone! That's my car, you piece of plastic!

Bill: You tellin' me to shut up?

Chuck: I'm telling you to shut up! I will tell your recorder so that you don't forget!

[Chuck picks up tape recorder and turns it on]

Chuck: Hello, this is Chuck to remind Bill to SHUT UP!

Bill: What are we really talking about here? Huh? What's the essence of what we're talking about? Spell it out for you if I have to.

[writing on chalkboard]

Bill: PROSTITUTION! Prostitution. Yeah, we can say it. We're big kids now, right? You know a lot of times it'll help you to understand a word if you break it down, so let's do that now, shall we? PROS... it doesn't mean anything. Forget about that... TIT, I think we all know what that means. TU, kay two tit and TION, of course, from the Latin to shun... to say no, uh-uh, thank you anyway I don't want it, to push away... it doesn't even belong in this word really, so let's get rid of that.

Bill: I'm an idea man Chuck, I get ideas all day long. I can't control them. I can't even fight 'em

[could be 'find 'em']

Bill: if I want to. You know, 'AAAA!' So I say 'em in here and that way I never forget 'em. You see what I'm sayin'?"

Bill: So there I was at the Blackjack table with all my wash 'n' dries... did I tell you I had they idea for them first?

Bill: OK, here's an example. Watch out, stand back.

[speaks into tape recorder]

Bill: This is Bill. Idea to eliminate garbage: edible paper. You see, you eat it, it's gone. Eat it, it's out of there!

Bill: What if you mix the mayonnaise in the can, WITH the tunafish? Or... hold it! Chuck! I got it! Take LIVE tuna fish, and FEED 'em mayonnaise! Oh this is great.

[speaks into tape recorder]

Bill: Call Starkist!

Belinda Keaton: Bill, Bill, are you all right? Did you break anything, Bill?

Bill Blazejowski: I caught an updraft.

Chuck Lumley: Are you ok?

Bill: Yeah, I'm all right, don't worry, I'm all right, fortunately the ground broke my fall.

Bill: LOVE BROKERS!

Bill: [Chuck is spitting on himself in the jail cell] Chuck, come on - it looks bad in front of the other guys!

Chuck Lumley: So what am I running for, cell president?

Bill: No!... they have that?

Bill: Wanna know why I carry this tape recorder? To tape things. See, I'm an idea man, Chuck. I get ideas coming at me all day. I can't control 'em. I can't even fight 'em if I want to. You know, 'AHHH!' So I say 'em in here, and that way I never forget 'em. You see what I'm sayin'?

[speaking into tape recorder]

Bill: Stand back, this is Bill. Idea to eliminate garbage. Edible paper. You eat it, it's gone! You eat it, it's outta there! No more garbage!

Chuck: I used to be an investment counselor.

Bill: Yeah?

[pause]

Bill: What's that?

Chuck: It's like a stockbroker.

Bill: So what're you doing babysitting stiffs? What were you... drinker? Big drinker?

Chuck: No!

Bill: Doper! Toothead! Nose candy! Coke!

Bill: [points to morgue cold chambers] What's in here, just stiffs and stuff?

Chuck: Uh, no, we call them "corpses."

Bill: Can I take a peek?

Chuck: Sure.

Bill: Alright!

Chuck: I think there's one in #7.

Bill: Hey, this Carboni guy! What's he, like, our boss or what?

Chuck: No, no, he's the supervisor. He's not here at night.

Bill: Nuh-uh! Get outta town! Just you and me and the stiffs alone? Here? That's gonna be radical, Chuck!

[Chuck opens morgue drawer]

Bill: That guy's dead!

Don Juan: Where is Don Octavio del Flores?

Bill: Wh-who?

Don Juan: My host at this villa.

Bill: Via? Via?

Don Juan: Villa.

Bill: Via? Villa.

Don Juan: Si, villa.

Bill: Villa.

Don Juan: Villa.

Bill: Via.

Don Juan: Where is Don Octavio?

Bill: Y-you mean Dr. Mickler?

Don Juan: Who?

Bill: Um,

[clears throat]

Bill: ... why do you think that, um, Dr. Mickler is, um, Don Octavio del Flores?

Don Juan: Why do you think Don Octavio del Flores is Dr. Mickler?

Taylor: [Taylor is pretending the coffee he and Bill are drinking is champagne] I propose a toast.

Bill: So what should we toast?

Taylor: Oh, god... Paris, in the 1920's. Josephine Baker, the Moulin Rouge. Q'est-ce que c'est...

[mutters, trails off]

Bill: And also, New York, in the 70's. The late 70's.

Taylor: Really? Oh, alright.

Bill: [they touch cups] Cheers.

Taylor: Cheers.

[they sip their coffee]

Bill: Mmm. Délicieux, isn't it?

Taylor: Oh, champagne; nectar of the Gods.

Bill: I wake up happy, feeling good... but then I get very depressed, because I'm living in reality.

[after Bill recalls his dream]

Psychiatrist: And how is this different?

Bill: I don't kill myself at the end.

Joe: What do you think would happen if I got him a professional... you know...

Bill: A professional?

Joe: Hooker. You know, the kind that can teach things... first-timers, you know... break him in.

Bill: But Joe, he's 11.

Joe: You're right, you're right. It's too late.

Bill: I fucked them.

Billy Maplewood: What was it like?

Bill: It was... it was great.

Billy Maplewood: Would you do it again?

Bill: Yes.

Billy Maplewood: [sobbing] ... would you ever fuck me?

Bill: No... I'd jerk off instead.

[sobs]

Bill: Have you tried playing with yourself?

Billy Maplewood: You mean...?

Bill: With your penis?

Billy Maplewood: A little.

Bill: How did it feel?

Billy Maplewood: I don't know? I don't know what to do.

Bill: Do you want me to, uh... show you?

Billy Maplewood: Dickwad?

Bill: Yes, only "come" can be used as a verb as well.

Bill: What Ronald Farber doesn't know is that it's not length that matters, it's width.

Trish: Oh, Bill. Please don't get mad at me. I know you hate it when I ask, but... Do you still?

Bill: Oh.

Trish: Oh.

Bill: Yes. Very very much.

Trish: Oh, Bill, and I do too! I'm sorry I need to keep being reminded, it's just...

Bill: I know.

Trish: And we haven't been.

Bill: I know. And it's my fault.

Trish: My fault.

Johnny Grasso: Do you have any tuna salad?

Bill: Would you like a sandwich?

Johnny Grasso: Yes please.

[Jake's job interview]

Howard: How do you feel about slave wages?

Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Slave wages are okay.

Bill: How do you feel about alcoholics?

Jefferson "Jake" Edward Briggs: Um, I like alcoholics?

Dick Harper: [after being heckled by a bunch of execs at an office he came for an interview] Can we just get on the job interview?

Bill: Oh, we can't hire you. We just want to take your picture.

Bill: [on the phone] How's it going?

Kim: Fine.

Bill: What are the people like?

Kim: There, uh, fine. If it doesn't work out I can always nick one of the paintings.

Jake: It's a long story, something about the violation of expectations and a crushing loss of faith, and love, and life, and art.

Bill: So it's a girl?

Jake: Yes.

Bill: I've had a little bit of girl trouble myself lately. But it is better to have loved and lost, am I right?

Jake: She was a unique constellation of attributes; she was my Halley's comet. But the universe is designed to break your heart, right?

Bill: A philosopher as well as an artist, yes, it is we who suffer most.

Jake: Yes, with the possible exception of the victims of violent crime

Sarah: You're in different leagues Dad, you and Dolly. I think she's really started falling for you.

Bill: Well, I'm sorry if... if...

Sarah: No, you're not, because being a man today means never having to say you're sorry.

Bill: Sorry to burst your bubble, honey, but you're not my type.

[to another driver bothering him]

Bill: I'm moving! I'm moving! Go ahead! Go ahead!

Wendy: What's your type?

Bill: I like big teets and onion butt.

Wendy: What's an onion butt?

Bill: It's an ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Bill: Yo! What's going on? Is there a reason you're not passing at her? Alright, look I... I don't know what shit you girls have between with each other, I don't give a shit, I got enough shit in my own life. I gotta a whole universe of shit. And now even more: your shit. So just keep your shit off the court, ok? You can't start drawing lines here. I mean, even if we did you're on the wrong side, anyway.

Bill: I guess it is more like riding a bike.

Carol Petersen: A *very* nice bike.

Carol Petersen: I hope you're speaking theoretically.

Bill: Yeah, maybe.

Carol Petersen: What does that mean? You're not speaking theoretically?

Bill: I'm just testing the water.

Carol Petersen: Well, just get out of the water.

Bill: You know, I think it happened when she was right there. Poor little Judith. Helpless, brushing her hair, young and naked.

Jenna Danzig: Yeah. 'Cause that's gonna happen, right?

Bill: Come on, Jen. One flash and you could light up a thousand computer screens. Launch your whole career.

Bill: You're supposed to wear the blue dress when I wear this.

Mary: I don't want to dress like twins anymore.

Bill: We're not twins. We're a trio.

Bill: Is this just network or is it, uh...?

John Triplette: No, it's better, it's really better than network. It's going to be syndicated, so I mean, hell, they're going to be showing it for a year and a half

Bill: Hey, hey, HEY. Friends don't let friends fade away.

Bucky: What do we do *now*?

Dumb Donald: I don't know.

Bucky: I *know* you don't know, I wasn't talking to you.

Dumb Donald: I wasn't talking to *you*.

Bucky: Then who *were* you talking to?

Dumb Donald: I thought I was talking to *her*.

Bill: Guys, cut it out.

Dumb Donald: Are you ready? 'Cause when I buck-buck, you better duck-duck.

Lead Teen: Are you gonna buck-buck, or are you just gonna talk talk?

Dumb Donald: Buck buck number 6, Comin'!

[runs and jumps on the pile]

Lead Teen: Yes! We held! Now we're the buck-buck champions!

Bill: Hold on. We've still got one more guy.

Lead Teen: Bring him out then.

Bill: Come on out, Fa-a-a-at Albert! He loves to hear us call his name.

Fat Albert: Hey, hey, hey! Who wants to play?

Lead Teen: Oh, no! Run! I got a bad back.

Fat Albert: Hey, hey, hey, I said I'm gonna stay.

Bill: Hey, hey, *hey*, friends don't let friends fade away.

Fat Albert: Don't use my lines on me.

Bill: Look!

[Bill, Fat Albert, Dumb Donald, Bucky, Rudy, Mushmouth and Old Weird Harold run across a street and look at a poster in a video store window which reads: "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids! Own the complete collection on DVD!"]

Bill: See? THAT'S who we are.

Rudy: Yeah, and we're coming out on "divda."

Bucky: What's "divda?"

Dumb Donald: I don't know.

Bucky: I...

Bill: Don't start! We don't belong here.

Poster in Video Store window: Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids! Coming soon on DVD.

Bill: Look. *That's* who we are.

Rudy: Yeah, and it says we're coming out on dividee.

Bucky: What's dividee

Dumb Donald: I don't know.

Bucky: I know you don't know, I wasn't talking to you.

Dumb Donald: I wasn't talking to you.

Bill: Guys, cut it out.

Arcade Machine: Woah, you ROCK, dude!

Bill: Wow! It's talking!

Arcade Machine: THAT WAS TIGHT!

Bill: How'd you DO that?

Dumb Donald: I don't know... but THAT WAS TIGHT!

Bill: Let me tell you something, kid. Working sucks, okay? Working sucks! And it doesn't matter if you're in a bank, a department store or a doughnut factory, because once you've been there long enough, the only thing you'll care about is when your next pay increase is, how many vacation days you've accrued and if your health insurance is gonna pay for the cholesterol medicine that keeps your heart pumping no matter how much shit you've worked through it. Then after you've gained 20 or 30 pounds because you're so fucking uptight all the time, you wake and discover you're working for your father-in-law in a position with a gratuitous title and you're totally replaceable. And not only is the new guy better at your job, but he's got a better car and better jokes and better hair! So not matter what you do, you make sure you make a lot of money doing it because it all sucks! And that is one lesson I, as your mentor, can teach you.

Bill: They hate that I'm working at their bank. I hate that I'm working at their bank.

Bill: I don't think now is the best time for me to be mentoring someone.

The Kid: Now is the perfect time!

Bill: [sees him on the roof of the bank] What are you doing?

The Kid: [referring to the sign] I'm fixing your head!

Bill: [whilst looking in the mirror] I'm a fat fuck!

Bill: They want to shoot an elephant. Who the fuck wants to shoot an elephant?

Bill: Paul, could you not be a fag for half a second?!

Paul: I'll try...little acorn.

Bill: Fuck the scene! Everyone dies!

Solange: It's Jules and Jim!

Bill: Hello, Miss.

Etienne: Hello.

Delphine: You two again!

[first lines]

[in French, using English subtitles]

Bill: Set up here?

Etienne: OK.

Bill: OK.

[last lines]

[sung, in French, using English subtitles]

Bill, Etienne, Josette: [singing] We go from place to place, Across rivers and valleys. / They call us carnies, The road is our home base.

Bill: You're quite pretty.

Delphine: So I've been told.

Bill: Miss! Miss, your slip is showing.

Solange: So I've been told.

Delphine, Solange: [sinigng] Passion

Bill, Etienne: Spirit

Delphine, Solange: Love

Bill, Etienne: Folly

Delphine, Solange: Genius

Bill, Etienne: Joy

Delphine, Solange: Love and happiness...

Yvonne Garnier: Delphine - my daughter.

Etienne: She's a peach.

Bill: So are you.

Yvonne Garnier: So I've been told.

Etienne, Bill: [singing] Fly away, turtledoves, Get along to your tropics, Since our eyes are not topics to make you melt with love,

Bill: Since our eyes

Etienne: Are not topics

Etienne, Bill: To make your melt with love, Go on then, my lovelies, Good sailing and good loving.

Bill: We're in love with you.

Delphine: What are they talking about?

Etienne: So we want to sleep with you.

Delphine, Solange: What?

Bill: It's normal when you're in love.

Delphine: That explains the ride?

Solange: We'll take the train. Ha-ha.

Etienne: You're not very accommodating.

Etienne: [singing] Sing of love

Bill: Or even hate

Bill, Etienne: Just make it bright

Solange: Sing today

Delphine: Dance tonight

Delphine, Solange: Sing of light

Etienne: Dance for joy

Bill: Sing of wind

Bill, Etienne: Sing of sun and rain. Fire us!

Delphine, Solange: Inspire us!

Bill, Etienne: Enchant and astonish us...

[last lines]

[last spoken lines, in French, using English subtitles]

Etienne: Hurry, they're waiting.

Delphine: Solange isn't here?

Etienne: Too bad.

Delphine: But we were to meet at noon.

Bill: It's nearly half past, get in!

Delphine: Wait. Here she comes!

Etienne: No, it's Josette.

Josette: Wait for me! Take me, I want to see Paris.

Etienne: Hop in.

Bill: There it is. Looks like you've got some kind of alternate universe in there or something.

Tommy: Hey Bill, did - did you ever kill anybody?

Bill: [slurred drunkenly] What kind of an asshole question is that?

Tommy: I mean, in uh, Korea.

Bill: What "career?"

Jackie: Billy, Stan got new glasses.

[to Stan]

Jackie: Show him your glasses.

[to Bill]

Jackie: He don't like 'em.

Stan: Get ready, Bill.

[puts glasses on]

Bill: You look like an idiot.

Stan: Go fuck, Billy!

Bill: Come on, Mickey. Weren't they nice? I love show folks, they're so full of life.

Bill: [Larry's dancing with a dead Francis Jr] these showman types and their relationships are so life like

Bill: One of the best press campaigns...

[Offers Jean cigaret]

Jean Maitland: No thanks. Gave it up when I was seven.

Bill: Bright girl. Busy tonight?

Jean Maitland: Yes.

[Following routine lines omitted]

Bill: Well, you haven't given up eating, have you?

Jean Maitland: It isn't that. It's - just that I think we hadn't better see each other for a while.

Bill: Why?

Jean Maitland: I just think it's better, that's all.

Bill: [long pause] O-h-h-h.

Jean Maitland: Why do you say "o-h-h-h" like that?

Bill: Well, how would you say it?

Jean Maitland: You make it sound like it meant something else.

Bill: Well, does it?

Jean Maitland: Whatever I do is my own business.

Annie: Are you coming or aren't you?

Jean Maitland: Oh shut up.

Bill: Did you eat something sour for lunch today?

Bill: You are really beautiful, you know that?

[leans in to kiss Susan]

Susan: I have a really sensitive gag reflex.

Bill: What's the cool idea?

Bickford Shmeckler: A unified theory of everything. It's not a big deal.

Bill: [being given cocaine] You really are the fucking devil

Johnny: [defensively] No... we just move in similar circles

Bill: Look, we didn't plan on the financial burden of a baby. It's puttin' a strain on our marriage.

Maggie: We're hoping you had some advice.

Rich: Well, figure it out soon because lawyers are more expensive than children.

Bill: Guys, you gotta mix a little reality in with your imagination to achieve happiness in your life. And you've gotta overcome your programming - which in your case is a thirty-year-old television show.

Robert: If you wanted some privacy, you could just drink at home.

Bill: No; that's called alcoholism.

Bill: Come on lady, be a gentleman about this!

Foghorn: Put that away. Scientists don't carry tommy guns.

Bill: Say, maybe we should have brought a butterfly net, huh?

Bill: Running away from home?

Kate: I'm an orphan.

Bill: What happened to your folks?

Kate: They died. Went down with a boat. Sank. Forget the name of it. Big boat.

Bill: Titanic?

Kate: Yeah, that's it!

Bill: Then your parents died 63 years before you were born!

Kate: Which is why I hardly knew them.

Bill: Yeah, well that... that... that makes sense.

Shirl: Sometimes I think you don't realize what's going on, I think sometimes you're getting...

Bill: Senile? That's the operative word nowadays, isn't it, Shirl? You know, it's funny. When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my 50s I was considered eccentric. Here I am, doing and saying the same thing that I did then, and I'm labeled senile. I wonder what my billing is going to be ten years from now?

Policeman: Sorry we bothered you, sir.

Bill: That's alright, officer. You did what you had to do even though I told you you didn't have to do it. G'bye girls.

Bill: Memories don't belong in drawers.

Betty Johnson: [on the phone] Susan?

Susan Holland: Yes?

Betty Johnson: Paul's going to be all right.

Susan Holland: Shit!

Sam Myers: What is it?

Susan Holland: Paul's going to be all right.

Sam Myers: Shit!

Bill: Fuck!

Steve: Damn it!

Sam Myers: [on the phone] Betty?

Betty Johnson: Who's this?

Sam Myers: It's Sam.

Betty Johnson: Gee Sam, how do you shoot a guy 3 times at close range and not kill him?

Sam Myers: I don't know, you'll have to ask Bill and Steve that when you see them.

Bill: She'll have to ask us what, Sam?

Martha: You-ness. Me-ness. Us-ness. We-ness.

Sam Stone: [snorts]

Martha: Your-ness. My-ness. Our-ness. Happiness.

Harvey Holroyd: [whispering] Sickness.

Kate Linville Holroyd: [whispering] Harvey!

Martha: And now, Bill, I'd like to hear where your head is at.

Bill: Thank you, Martha, for pushing my button.

Stokely: [shakes head in disbelief]

Bill: Thank you for inviting me to participate in your life, for I am an asshole. And being an asshole is neither good nor bad. It just is.

Reverend Spike: I think that says it all.

Harvey Holroyd: [whispering] These are exciting times, aren't they? Gas is over a dollar a gallon and it's okay to be an asshole.

Kate Linville Holroyd: [whispering] Shh!

Bill: So we both said "Hey, we've got a caring relationship, we're each willing to give the other the space to grow and nourish our basic aloneness. Why not make a total commitment, in a legalistic sense? So tomorrow's the big day.

Fred Peele, man on ferry: I can dig it. Who's the chick?

Bill: Martha Sterns.

Fred Peele, man on ferry: No, I don't know her.

Bill: Used to be Martha Byers.

Fred Peele, man on ferry: No, I'm not familiar.

Bill: And before that, she was Martha Crimm.

Fred Peele, man on ferry: And before that, Martha Peele?

Bill: You know her?

Fred Peele, man on ferry: I'm Fred Peele.

Bill: Right, her first husband!

Fred Peele, man on ferry: No. Her second.

Bill: Right.

Angela Stone: I think it's wonderful that Martha and Bill have a marriage contract that spells out everything. I wish we had a contract.

Sam Stone: You mean like who takes out the garbage? That kind of everything?

Bill: Every kind of everything. How often, who starts it, everything.

Sam Stone: You mean nookie?

Angela Stone: Sam.

Bill: Sexual responsibilities are covered, yes.

Sam Stone: He means Nookie!

Angela Stone: Oh, Sam, for god's sake.

Sam Stone: Where do I sign? It's gotta be better than my present deal.

Bill: I know it's impossible for one person or even two people to heal the whole world but if each of us could just heal a little tiny part of it... think what a world that would be.

John Lewis: Hello, Bill. How's it been going? I hope the children didn't give you too much trouble.

Bill: No, no... Those two were fine... That Bolk... I had to take him to the lavatory seven times.

Sharon: How long are all those people going to be in our yard? It looks like a garage sale.

Bill: Sharon. It is a garage sale.

Bill: You see this knife? I'm gonna teach you to speak English with this fucking knife!

Bill: Here's the thing. I don't give a tuppenny fuck about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed shit-sack. That's more or less the thing. And I want you to go out there... You, nobody else. None of your little minions. I want you to go out there. And I want you to punish the person who's responsible for murdering this poor little rabbit. Is that understood?

Bill: How old are you, Amsterdam?

Amsterdam Vallon: I'm not sure, sir. I never did quite figure it.

Bill: I'm forty-seven. Forty-seven years old. You know how I stayed alive this long? All these years? Fear. The spectacle of fearsome acts. Somebody steals from me, I cut off his hands. He offends me, I cut out his tongue. He rises against me, I cut off his head, stick it on a pike, raise it high up so all on the streets can see. That's what preserves the order of things. Fear.

Bill: At my challenge, by the ancient laws of combat, we are met at this chosen ground, to settle for good and all who holds sway over the five points: us natives, born rightwise to this fine land, or the foreign hordes defiling it.

Crowd: Yeah.

Priest Vallon: By the ancient laws of combat, I accept the challenge of the so called "natives." They plague our people at every turn, but from this day out, they shall plague us no more. For let it be known, that the hand that tries to strike us from this land shall be swiftly cut down.

Crowd: YEAH.

Bill: He was the only man I ever killed worth remembering.

Bill: WOOPSY DAISY!

Bill: You mother-whoring Irish nigger.

Boss Tweed: You killed an elected official?

Bill: Who elected him?

Boss Tweed: You don't know what you've done to yourself.

Bill: [taps his glass eye with a knife] I know your works. You are neither cold nor hot. So because you are lukewarm, I will spew you out of my mouth. You can build your filthy world without me. I took the father. Now I'll take the son. You tell young Vallon I'm gonna paint Paradise Square with his blood. Two coats. I'll festoon my bedchamber with his guts. As for you, Mr. Tammany-fucking-Hall, you come down to the Points again, and you'll be dispatched by my own hand. Get back to your celebration and let me eat in peace.

Bill: Thank God. I die a true American.

Bill: You. Whatever your name is... what is your name?

Amsterdam Vallon: Amsterdam, sir.

Bill: Amsterdam... I'm New York... don't you never come in here empty handed again, you gotta pay for the pleasure of my company.

Bill: Mulberry Street... and Worth... Cross and Orange... and Little Water. Each of the Five Points is a finger. When I close my hand it becomes a fist. And, if I wish, I can turn it against you.

Bill: Burn him, see if his ashes turn green.

Bill: A *real* native is someone who is willing to die fighting for his country. There's nothing more to it.

Boss Tweed: You may or may not know, Bill, that everyday I go down to the waterfront with hot soup for the Irish as they come ashore. Its part of building a political base.

Bill: I've noticed you there, you may have noticed me.

Boss Tweed: Indeed I have. Throwing torrents of abuse to every single person who steps off those boats.

Bill: [gleefully] If only I had the guns, Mr. Tweed, I'd shoot each and every one of them before they set foot on American soil.

Bill: The Priest and me, we lived by the same principles. It was only faith divided us. He gave me this, you know? That was the finest beating I ever took. My face was pulp. My guts was pierced, my ribs was all mashed up. And when he came to finish me, I couldn't look him in the eye. He spared me, because he wanted me to live in shame. This was a great man. A great man. So I out out the eye that looked away, I sent it to him wrapped in blue paper. I would've cut them both out if I could have fought him blind. And I rose back up again with a full heart... and buried him in his own blood. He was the only man I ever killed worth remembering.

Bill: Is this it priest, the Pope's new army, a few crusty bitches and a hand full of rag tags?

Priest Vallon: Now, now, Bill, you swore this was a battle between warriors, not a bunch of miss nancies, so warriors is what I brought.

[various Irish Gangs proceed to appear]

Boss Tweed: That's the building of our country right there, Mr. Cutting. Americans aborning.

Bill: I don't see no Americans. I see trespassers, Irish harps. Do a job for a nickel what a nigger does for a dime and a white man used to get a quarter for. What have they done? Name one thing they've contributed.

Boss Tweed: Votes.

Bill: Votes, you say? They vote how the archbishop tells them, and who tells the archbishop? Their king in the pointy hat what sits on his throne in Rome.

Bill: I killed the last honorable man, 15 years ago. Since then it's... You seen his portrait downstairs?

Amsterdam Vallon: Mm-hmm.

Bill: 'S your mouth all glued-up with cunny juice? I asked you a question!

Amsterdam Vallon: [angrily] I said I *seen* it, sir.

Bill: [smiling] Oh, you got a murderous streak in you!

Bill: I took the father, now I'll take the son.

Bill: Everything you see belongs to me, to one degree or another. The beggars and newsboys and quick thieves here in Paradise, the sailor dives and gin mills and blind tigers on the waterfront, the anglers and amusers, the she-hes and the Chinks. Everybody owes, everybody pays. Because that's how you stand up against the rising of the tide.

Bill: We hold in our hearts the memory of our fallen brothers whose blood stains the very streets we walk today. Also on this night we pay tribute to the leader of our enemies, an honorable man, who crossed over bravely, fighting for what he believed in. To defeat my enemy, I extinguish his life, and consume him as I consume these flames. In honor of Priest Vallon.

Bill: That, my friends, is the minority vote.

Bill: Ears and noses will be the trophies of the day. But no hand shall touch him.

Bill: This is a night for Americans!

Bill: My father gave his life, making this country what it is. Murdered by the British with all of his men on the twenty fifth of July, anno domini, 1814. Do you think I'm going to help you befoul his legacy, by giving this country over to them, what's had no hand in the fighting for it? Why, because they come off a boat crawling with lice and begging you for soup.

Happy Jack: I'm paid to uphold the law.

Bill: What in Heaven's name are you talking about?

Bill: Civilization is crumbling

[as a man is about to be hung]

Bill: That's a fine locket. I'll give you a dollar for it.

Arthur: It was me mother's...

Bill: Dollar and a half?

Arthur: Done.

Boss Tweed: Bill, I can't get a days work done for all the good citizens coming in here to harass me about crime in the Points. Some even go so far as to accuse Tammany of connivance in this so-called rampant criminality. What am I to do? I can't have this. Something has to be done.

Bill: What do you have in mind?

Boss Tweed: I don't know. I think maybe we should hang someone.

Bill: Who?

Boss Tweed: No one important, necessarily. Average men will do. Back alley amusers with no affiliations.

Bill: How many?

Boss Tweed: Three or four.

Bill: Which?

Boss Tweed: Four.

Amsterdam Vallon: Challenge.

Bill: Challenge accepted.

Bill: He ain't earned a death! He ain't a death at my hands! No, he'll walk amongst you marked with shame, a freak worthy of Barnum's Museum of Wonders. God's only man, spared by the Butcher.

Bill: On the seventh day the Lord rested, but before that he did, he squatted over the side of England and what came out of him... was Ireland. No offense son.

Amsterdam Vallon: Nah, none taken, sir. I grew up here. All I ever knew of Ireland was from the talk of the others at the orphan asylum.

Bill: And which part of that excrementitious isle where your forebears spawned?

Amsterdam Vallon: I've been told Kerry, I lost proof of it in my language at the asylum.

Bill: Hey, have you met Amsterdam? He almost fish-hooked McGloin.

Bill: Anything in your pockets?

Jenny: I ain't started working yet.

Bill: Is this the Pope's new army?

Bill: Don't mind him. He used to be an Irishman.

Bill: It's Election Day.

Bill: [after stabbing Priest] Look to me! Who is this under my knife!

Bill: Well draw it mildly son. Happy Jack don't fill his lungs without I tell him he may do so.

Boss Tweed: You're a good one for the fighting, Bill. But you can't fight forever.

Bill: I can go down doing it.

Boss Tweed: And you will!

Bill: What did you say?

Boss Tweed: I said, you're turning your back on the future.

Bill: Not our future.

Bill: Careful, Tweedy. The Mort's Frenchified.

Bill: Now that you've had a taste of my mutton, how do you like it?

Bill: Pistols?

Amsterdam Vallon: No pistols.

Bill: Good boy.

Bill: Whose man are you?

Bill: Oranges, delicious. What a peach! You should put her on the stage.

Dignitary: He knows my name!

Happy Jack: He prides himself on knowing.

[first lines]

Bill: The following is my explanation. Well, more of an account of what happened. I'd been on my own for a while and getting kind of lonely... and bored... nothing to do all day. And that's when I started shadowing.

The Policeman: Shadowing?

Bill: Shadowing - Following. I started to follow people

The Policeman: Who?

Bill: Anyone at first. Um,

[sniffs]

Bill: you know, that was the whole point - somebody at random, someone who didn't know who I was.

The Policeman: And then?

Bill: And then nothing.

Bill: When I started to follow people, specific people, when I selected a person to follow, that's when the trouble started.

Bill: And when it stopped being random, that's when it started to go wrong.

Bill: So what's a girl like you...

The Blonde: Doing in a place like this?

Bill: ...doing with a bald old cunt like that?

[last lines]

The Policeman: Is this your handwriting?

Bill: Yes

Bill: Jesus Christ! Do you think they believed you?

Cobb: Of course they didn't fucking believe me!

Bill: That's it, unless you have any questions.

Bill: Were you, uh, "working" for him at the time?

The Blonde: That... is none of your business.

[gets up to leave]

The Blonde: I think you'd better find somebody else to start telling you little stories.

Bill: Oh come on, I was just joking!

Maurice: 'Sup man?

Bill: Contact paranoia... maybe you've heard of it... I'm buggin' out 'cause I'm hangin' out wit you all the time!... I tell you god damnit man...!

Maurice: Well I got bigger problems! I'm tryin' to get this joint lit, that's drug abuse!

Bill: Pretty girl like you hitchhiking out here in the middle of nowhere is either running from her old life or searching for her new one.

Ned: What is that thing?

Bill: That's the Blessed Virgin, Ned.

Ned: She's pretty, huh?

Bill: Not only is she pretty, but she's got a nice personality, and she's the mother of God.

Bill: Alright, rules of the road: No smokin' in the RV. Do not use the lights unless we are on the generator, or A/C, or on the road. And - don't pee in the sink.

Charlie: Mr. Anderson? Can I ask you something?

Bill: Yeah.

Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?

Bill: Are we talking about anyone specific?

[Charlie nods]

Bill: Well, we accept the love we think we deserve.

Charlie: Can we make them know that they deserve more?

Bill: We can try.

Bill: You know, I heard you had a tough time last year. But they say if you make one friend on your first day you're doing okay.

Charlie: Thank you, sir, but if my English teacher is the only friend I make today, that would be sorta depressing.

Charlie: Did you have fun on your break?

Bill: More fun than you're gonna have today, Sinatra.

Bill: Sweetheart, you can't buy the necessities of life with cookies.

Bill: Soup's on!

Edward: I thought this was shish kabob.

Jim: [after seeing Edward accidentally cut Kim] Hey! Now you've done it!

Kim: It was just a scratch Jim, really!

Peg Boggs: What's going on?

Jim: Call a doctor, he skewered Kim!

Kim: He didn't skewer me!

Jim: [now bullying and shoving Edward] You can't touch anything without destroying it! Who the hell do you think you are hanging around here, huh? Get the hell outta here! Go you freak!

Jim: [to Kim] He tried to hurt you.

Kim: No he did not and you know it!

Jim: Are you nuts? I just saw him!

Kim: Jim, I don't love you anymore I just want you to go, ok? Just go!

Jim: Are you serious? Losing me to a loser like that? He isn't even human!

Kim: Just get out of here ok, just go!

Kim: [after Jim has left] Dad, did you see where Edward went?

Bill: No, he just waltzed down the street.

Bill: So Edward, did you have a productive day?

Edward: Mrs Monroe showed me where the salon's going to be.

[turns to Peg]

Edward: You could have a cosmetics counter.

Peg Boggs: Oh, wouldn't that be great!

Bill: Great.

Edward: And then she showed me the back room where she took all of her clothes off.

[everyone stares, Kevin snickers]

Bill: OK, everybody. Grab your plates. Soup's on.

Edward: [with mouth full] I thought this was shish-ka-bob.

Bill: What?

Edward: [a little clearer] I thought this was shish-ka-bob.

Bill: Yeah, it is shish-ka-bob. It's a figure of speech, Ed.

Bill: Well, this must be quite a change for you, right, Ed?

Peg Boggs: Edward, dear. I think he prefers Edward.

Bill: Oh, sure.

Bill: Well I'll be darned.

Bill: The man's got one foot on a banana, and the other foot on a roller skate. It'll all be gone in a couple of years. Who's gonna care if we acted perfectly?

Nancy: I thieved for you when I was half his age and it's your dirty work I've been doing ever since.

Bill: Well if you have it's a living ain't it?

Fagin: Yes, a living is a living.

Nancy: Some living, Lord help me, some living!

Bill: Hand it over, you avaricious old skeleton.

Bill: You can keep the books. Start a library!

Fagin: [Fagin and the boys are abandoning their hideout as the mob closes in. However, Bill Sikes is determined to escape at all costs using Oliver as a hostage] Bill! Why make things worse? Leave him!

Bill: [holding Oliver in front of him] It's me, they're after! But they won't go for me! Not with the boy close, they won't. So, you keep out of this.

Fagin: [to the boys] Out the back way, come on!

Bill: You know, when I was a teenager, we used to say, "Life's a bitch and then you die." I guess I'm beginning to understand what it means.

Angela: Well, we say the same thing, but at the end we had it, so fuck the bitch.

Bill: What exactly do I have to come back to?

Bill: With the international banking system it's very easy to cripple the economy of another country. You know what international bankers call themselves? Masters of the Universe.

Bill: You know the wonderful thing about you, Rich? It's that death isn't just a destination for you. It's a part of you. It lives in you. It's woven into the fabric of your soul. There's nothing you can do but embrace the fact that every day of your life ought to be your last.

Bill: Talk into my bullet hole, tell me I'm fine.

[FH starts up a mock interview]

FH: There are some people out there who would like to know a thing or two about you. Would you describe yourself for those people?

Bill: I don't know...I'm like a fat piece of shit, I guess.

FH: He's overweight.

Bill: I've been shot twice though.

FH: Twice?

Bill: Yeah, once by each wife. Total of 3 bullets, making 4 holes, 3 in, 1 out.

FH: And you're still alive?

Bill: Are you kidding?

FH: No.

Bill: Well, that is too bad, because it makes you sound awful stupid asking if I'm alive, 'cause obviously I am.

FH: Well, maybe I mean alive in a deeper sense. You could be talking, but still not be alive in a deeper sense.

Bill: Well, there's no deeper shit than the kind we're in right now, I'll tell you that.

Maria Braun: [before having sex with Bill] American women are ugly.

Bill: German men are ugly.

Maria Braun: I know only one American man who is nice.

Bill: I know the only one German woman who is nice.

Maria Braun: And strong.

Bill: And ritch.

Maria Braun: And brave.

Bill: And brave.

Maria Braun: And tender.

Bill: And tender.

Maria Braun: Do you know whom I mean?

Bill: Guess me.

Bill: Ya know after that session we had yesterday, I went home and told mother that the trouble with her pot roast gravy was that she hadn't added three heaping teaspoonfuls of olive oil.

[Laughs]

Mary: What did she say?

Bill: She didn't say anything; she just threw me out of the kitchen.

Mary: Why, no wonder.

Jimmy: How about driving over to the... Joe's place with me? I'll buy you a soda!

Bill: I never drink the stuff!

Bill: Me and Abby we've been together seven years now.

Miles: Bill, we both know people will settle for something that's better than being alone.

Bill: Great. Is that me?

Miles: I don't know. How should I know?

Bill: Yeah well why should I care about the opinion of a man who doesn't believe in love?

Bill: If this is a joke, I'm gonna brain 'em!

[while playing strip Monopoly]

Alice: Baltic Avenue.

Bill: No one ever lands on Baltic Avenue.

Alice: I think it's a pretty color. I'll buy it.

[Bill rolls and lands on Baltic Avenue]

Alice: Ha. Baltic Avenue. You owe me one boot.

Brenda: Alice draws first blood.

Bill: That's a terrible way to talk about my feet.

Alice: Bill? Steve wants to know if we need more paint.

Bill: Paint's all right. Need more thinner.

Alice: Okay.

Bill: Alice. Did the others show up?

Alice: Yeah, everybody except that girl Annie.

Bill: Think you're gonna last all summer?

Alice: I don't know if i'm gonna last all week.

Alice: I'll tell Steve about the thinner.

Bill: Fine.

Brenda: Just wait until he lands on my old Kentucky home.

Bill: More beer? More beer.

Jack: [seeing Bill with a machete raised] Jesus, Bill! What are you doing?

Bill: There's a snake in here!

Marcie: Why are we in here?

Alice: [a snake is under the bed] I can't sleep if there's a snake in here!

Bill: I can't kill it until it comes out.

Alice: Well, call him!

Bill: How do you call a snake?

Bill: [Trish is cooking bacon] You're gonna burn 'em.

[pause]

Bill: You gonna go shopping for three hours again today? Leave your cell phone off? You think I don't know what you're doing, you think I'm stupid, huh? And yet... you can't make me a simple... DAMN... breakfast!

[Trish then pours the hot oil from the frying pan over Bill's head and whacks him to the floor with the pan]

Bill: You were late.

Liz: Do you see that?

Steve: See What?

Liz: There's someone... there's someone watching us through that window.

Bill: You sure, Liz? You're pretty high.

Liz: Nevermind...

Bill: Newspapers take more liberty with the fact than E! True Hollywood Story.

Bill: God, we do love our monsters in this country.

Bill: Well, Jim, turns out Norman Bates was wrong. Seems a boy's best friend isn't his mother; it's his older brother.

[last lines]

Bill: Thanks for your help, Cathy.

Bill: I'm the inbred cannibal farmer zombie killin' king.

[Bill is passing up all drugs but marijuana for the night]

Bill: Baked, not fried... the healthy choice.

[First lines]

Bill: You've got an audience. Give her the Soldier;s Song.

Bill: [when Harry Palmer first appears] Say, *he* looks like an actor.

Bill: Do you ever feel like you've mapped out some version of your life, only to wake up one morning and realize it's been nothing but a series of wrong turns?

Bill: I can't remember the last time I saw stars in the city.

Kate: Too many wishes...

Bill: What?

Kate: Maybe that's why we can't see them.

Bill: What is this mission you're talking about?

Peggy Reynolds: My father and mother.

Bill: Well, what's the matter with them?

Peggy Reynolds: Oh, Bill, they're playing with fire.

Bill: Who doesn't now days? They're just havin' some harmless fun.

Peggy Reynolds: Harmless for us maybe, because we're young enough to know better.

Bill: I wouldn't worry about it. They're mature!

Peggy Reynolds: I know it. But, that's the trouble. They're too old to understand the present day technique.

Bill: I'll say you understand it, all right.

Bill: Peggy, I saw you coming out of Darrow's window last night. I was with Janet and...

Peggy Reynolds: And?

Bill: Well, no nice girl does that, you know, in her pajamas!

Peggy Reynolds: Well, you would hardly expect me to come out without my pajamas, would you?

Bill: Well, Peggy, I saw you with my own eyes. What else is a fella gonna think?

Peggy Reynolds: A fella with an evil mind like yours, can think a lot of things.

Customer: Which way to the roof garden?

Bill: [unsure of what else to say] Um... Up!

Emily: I want you to tell me if there's a future for me and you.

Bill: A future, huh?

Emily: Yes.

Bill: How can I answer that?

Emily: Yes or no.

Bill: I can't see the future.

Emily: [annoyed] You don't *need* to see it if you know it's there.

Bill: [indicates gun] What are you gonna do with that?

Walter: I'm gonna shoot myself.

Bill: [unloading gun] That's pretty stupid, Walter.

Walter: Yeah, I guess I oughta shoot Margaret, huh?

[Bill pockets the bullets and lays the gun back down.]

Bill: [pours a drink] No, you're not gonna shoot anybody.

Walter: Maybe I oughta shoot you.

Trish: You are with a different girl every time I see you.

Bill: So? I'm lucky.

Trish: You're not lucky, Bill. You're loose.

Bill: Little ol' Whose-its.

Bill: You're a heck of a looking woman for a guy like me.

Trina: Mmhmm. I don't know if this is going to be a very good stew.

Bill: Look at you. Skinny as a rail.

Trina: Yessir, that's just what I did, I put those potatoes in too soon.

Bill: Who wants to grab hold of a load of bones. That's what you are, bones. You know that, don't you?

Trina: Yeah, but I'm young kind of.

Bill: That don't make no difference.

Trina: Maybe it does. Maybe I'll sort of fill out after.

Bill: Nah, nah. You'll never look like a woman. You haven't got it in you to look like a woman.

Trina: What difference does it make as long as you're good to me?

Bill: I ain't good to you! Don't get that idea in your nut.

Bill: No female has to starve in a town like this.

Trina: Have you ever been out of work for a whole year?

Bill: I been outta work all my life. Besides, the unemployment situation's got nothin' to with women. Didja ever think of that?

Trina: Yeah, I thought of it.

Bill: Well?

Trina: [looking down] I couldn't.

Bill: Oh, I s'pose the river would be better than that.

Trina: Yeah, I thought of that, too.

Toni Cocozza: Are you saying I'm stupid?

Bill: You couldn't stand the pace of stupid!

Bill: Could I please go now?

Ann: No. Not yet.

Bill: How much time do I have left?

Ann: As soon as you are no longer a danger to yourself or others, you may leave.

Bill: And who determines that?

Ann: I do, initially.

Bill: And who does finally?

Ann: My supervisor.

Bill: Your immediate supervisor?

Ann: Yes.

Bill: Okay. So you could highly recommend to him that I be released, and he would take that into account.

Ann: When you're ready.

Bill: Well, what do I have to do to get ready?

Ann: You need to accept the fact that you're going to be here for a while.

Bill: You're ruling out the possibility of a miraculous recovery.

Bill: [into intercom] Can I get an order of booty and a side order of Xanax, preferably a blonde, for a condemned man?

Ann: The day, how did it start for you?

Bill: Well, the Sun, which is a massive hydrogen and, what is it? It's combusting away. And the um, the hemisphere rotated enough that we could...

Ann: But, for you...

Bill: You trying to separate me from the Sun?

Supervisor: How would you complete the phrase: I before E, except after...

Bill: Could you repeat that one.

Supervisor: I before E, except after...

Bill: Except after 9 AM.

Bill: What year am I supposed to think it is? For my progress.

Ann: 1999.

Bill: Date?

Ann: November 2nd.

Bill: No, I mean, do you want to go on a date? Cause I know this darling place down by river...

[watching green slime hop from place to place in the swamp]

Bill: Probably just a fish or something.

Bill: Before anybody kills me they got to get my okay. And I don't think I'll give it to 'em.

Bill: Fifteen years, there's been no new track. Only a spur. Then you come along, and there's three spurs.

Bill: [Challenging Burt Cavanaugh to a duel] Piano player - Hit three notes!

Ryan: We both got an old account to settle with the same people. Only I want to take first crack at 'em.

Bill: We could go on together.

Ryan: No, son, you got too much hate in you. Sooner or later, that's gonna get you in trouble.

Bill: Hate is hate. There's no two ways...

Ryan: Somebody once wrote that revenge is a dish that has to be eaten cold. As hot as you are, you're liable to end with indigestion. No, I'm going on alone.

Bill: I can pay for the information, with his five hundred.

Ryan: He's worth more than that to me. Fifteen thousand. So I suggest you keep your distance. 'Cause if you don't, I might get MAD.

Walcott Henchman: You! Who are you?

Bill: Someone who takes his anger out on men.

Walcott Henchman: What are you trying to say? That I'm afraid?

Bill: You've got a stupid face, but you get it.

Bill: [Challenging Paco to a duel] Remember 15 years ago at the Meceita ranch? Another time when you took it out on a woman? Unfortunately for you, that woman happened to be my mother.

Walcott Henchman: What's the matter hero? Change your mind?

Bill: Yeah... I've decided to kill you.

Bill: [to Bim] They ain't nothin' the matter with you, is there? You didn't go to school, did you? Then why in hell send me?