Bilko Quotes in Sgt. Bilko (1996)

Wally: Speaking of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?

Bilko: Why, what's wrong with Doberman?

Wally: He wet his bed!

Bilko: Oh, well, once in a while...

Wally: No, he did it from across the room.

Bilko: If they come, deny everything! Just act dumb. Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that.

Bilko: All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

Bilko: [sung while jogging with his troops] I can barely move my legs! / Do me a favor and kill me now! / Something, something rhymes with "legs"! / My life is over anyhow!

[Bilko is playing golf on the army base]

Bilko: Twenty bucks says I can hit the parking lot.

Wally: I don't gamble.

Bilko: Well, what is it you *do* do?

Wally: Permission to speak freely...

Bilko: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead!

Wally: I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life.

Bilko: Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?

Barbella: Sarge, you're crying.

Bilko: [as he admires Las Vegas] It's just so beautiful!

[Morning. 'Reveille' plays over the loudspeakers]

Wally: Hey, Sarge! Get up! Hurry!

Bilko: [jumping out of bed with his sleeping mask still on] What's the matter? What's the matter? Everybody take cover! Gather all the men! Man the battle stations! And...

[pauses as he hears the reveille tune]

Bilko: What's that music?

Bilko: Hello, soldiers.

[they look around]

Bilko: I'm talking to you. Because that's what you are, really, soldiers. Every last one you with a couple of exceptions.

Paparelli: [whispering] He's got a plan.

Fender: [whispering] He sure does.

Bilko: I'm going to tell you a little story. There once was a little boy, and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophistocated, illegal gaming operations the United States Army has ever seen.

Zimmerman: [whispering] He's not worried.

Morales: [whispering] Not a bit.

Bilko: And that little boy's dream came true... but now,they're trying to snatch that dream *back* from him.

Zimmerman: [whispering] He's worried.

Morales: [whispering] It's not good.

Bilko: But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O! Of course the first few letters are B-I-L, which is meaningless. But still, am I giving up? No! Never! Well kind of, but not really, because there is *no way* I'm going to Greenland. Well, you are probably wondering if I have a plan. Well, of course I have a plan! A P-L-A-N - plan!

[spells "PALN" on the chalkboard]

Bilko: But, ha ha ha.

[begins crying]

Paparelli: [whispering] He's got no plan.

Morales: [whispering] We're screwed.

Wally: I have a plan, Sarge.

Bilko: But maybe, a plan is not what I really need. what I really need,

[gets down on knees]

Bilko: is just a little puppy.

[crying and interacting with an imaginary puppy]

Bilko: A little puppy with big brown eyes, who would just come to me and lick my face, and just love me so much no matter what kind of person I am.

Bilko: Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted.

Bilko: [doing rifle drill with his men] All right, you've seen real soldiers before, just... do what they do!

Bilko: [introducing Wally to the other men] Luis Clemente. This guy is smart, very smart, he has an IQ.

Bilko: [to Wally] Any one of these men would take a bullet for you.

Fender: Well, not in the chest!

Wally: You men are soldiers! Guardians of freedom! And frankly I don't think there's a man or woman here who's taken their service oath seriously!

Fender: You know what? I'm gonna kill him.

Bilko: Fender!

[as Fender tries to grab him, Wally uses martial arts skills to twist his arm and flip him over onto the floor]

Bilko: Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the Army.

Wally: They are.

Bilko: No kidding?

[Bilko is playing golf in the middle of the base]

Wally: Sarge, they let you do this?

Bilko: I never asked. They'd probably say no, it is an army post.

Bilko: You manipulated me! How could you?

Rita Robbins: Why not? I have a masters in manipulation from the University of Bilko.

Bilko: [collapsing onto his bed after Major Thorn has put them through the assault course] I'm paralyzed. I have no feeling from the hair down. Make the bad man stop.

Colonel Hall: Very good. As you were.

[the men just stand there]

Bilko: He means go back to what you were doing.

Assistant Casino Manager: You seem to be having quite a run. Is there anything we can do for you?

Bilko: Yes, go down to your vault and tell the rest of your money to be patient, we'll be together soon.

Bilko: I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome ahead of time. It's more organized.

Rita Robbins: Ernie, are we going to dance tonight?

Bilko: Well, thats up to you. I remember the last time we danced I accidently stepped on your knee.

Colonel Hall: What is that?

Bilko: [nonchalantly] That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men "You have to test-drive the vehicles"...

Colonel Hall: What's it doing there?

Bilko: It keeps the flies off the food, sir. There's no way you can tell what wrong with an engine when it's just sitting on the block...

Colonel Hall: Off the food?

Bilko: It's an experimental program, I'd say the results are mixed.

[Hall then notices the live horse from the tug-of-war that's been hoisted up above them]

Sgt. Barbella: It's a lot cheaper than sending out for it, sir.

Sgt. Henshaw: And fresher too.

Wally: Permission to speak freely, Sarge.

Bilko: Permission? What, are we in Russia? Say anything you want.

Bilko: Rita, you can't marry Thorn, you're not in love with him. Think of the children, I mean, you're Catholic and he's an... asshole. How would you raise them?

Bilko: [repeated line he uses on superior officers] You look fantastic, have you lost weight?

Bilko: [introducing Wally to the other men] Tony Morales. The only thing you need to know about Tony is this: he doesn't takes showers because it fogs up the mirror. And finally, the manchild of the hour, the master of disaster, the king of the universe, look out girls, he hates to dine alone, Private Duaaane Doberman!

Doberman: Aw, Sarge.

Bilko: Doberman doesn't take showers either but for an entirely different and much more frightening reason.

Bilko: Let's go campers. It's 10am. Time to start the day.