Bilbo Baggins Quotes in The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (2014)

Thorin Oakenshield: [last words]

Thorin Oakenshield: [to Bilbo] Farewell, Master Burglar. Go back to your books... and your armchair... plant your trees, watch them grow. If more people... valued home above gold... this world would be a merrier... place...

Bilbo Baggins: No! No, no, no! No! Thorin! Thorin... don't you dare!

[cradles Thorin, who has already died]

Bilbo Baggins: Thorin... hold on. Hold on. Look. The Eagles. The Eagles. The Eagles are here. Thorin!

[realizing Thorin's dead]

Bilbo Baggins: The Ea -

[breaks down and begins to weep]

Thranduil: If I am not mistaken, this is the Halfing who stole the keys to my dungeon right from under the nose of my guards.

Bilbo Baggins: Yesh. Sorry about that.

[From trailer]

Bilbo Baggins: One day I'll remember. Remember everything that happened: the good, the bad, those who survived... and those that did not.

Gandalf: You'll never make it!

Bilbo Baggins: Why not?

Gandalf: Because they will see you coming, and kill you!

Bilbo Baggins: No, they won't. They won't see me.

Gandalf: It's out of the question! I won't allow it!

Bilbo Baggins: I'm not asking you to allow it, Gandalf.

[goes off]

[Bilbo starts off home, speaking only to Balin]

Bilbo Baggins: Could you tell the others I say goodbye?

Balin: Tell them yourself.

[Bilbo sees that the Company has come to see him off]

Bilbo Baggins: If you ever pass through Bag End, tea is at four. You are welcome ANY time. Don't bother knocking!

Thorin Oakenshield: I am so sorry... that I have lead you to such peril...

[coughs]

Bilbo Baggins: No! I am glad to have shared in your perils, Thorin. Each and every one of them. It is far more than any Baggins deserves!

Bilbo Baggins: [From trailer] You've won the Mountain. Is that not enough?

Bilbo Baggins: [From trailer] When faced with death, what can anyone do?

Bilbo Baggins: You are changed, Thorin! The Dwarf I met in BagEnd would never have gone back on his word! Would never have doubted the loyalty of his kin!

Bilbo Baggins: [From trailer] Thorin. You gave a promise.

[Bilbo, sitting alone, reaches into his pocket]

Thorin Oakenshield: What is that in your hand?

Bilbo Baggins: [startled] It-it's nothing.

Thorin Oakenshield: Show me!

[Bilbo opens his hand, revealing an acorn]

Bilbo Baggins: I picked it up in Beorn's garden.

Thorin Oakenshield: You've carried it all this way?

Bilbo Baggins: I'm going to plant it in my garden, in Bag End.

Thorin Oakenshield: It's a poor prize to take back to the Shire.

Bilbo Baggins: One day it'll grow. And every time I look at it, I'll remember. Remember everything that happened: the good, the bad... and how lucky I am that I made it home.

[the night before the Elves are set to attack Erebor, Bilbo brings the Arkenstone to Thranduil's tent]

Thranduil: The King's Jewel...

Bard: And worth a King's ransom... how is this yours to give?

Bilbo Baggins: I took it as my one-fourteenth share of the treasure.

[Gandalf suppresses a smile]

Bard: Why do this? You owe us nothing.

Bilbo Baggins: I'm not doing it for you. I know that dwarves can be obstinate and pigheaded and difficult. They're suspicious and secretive, with the *worst* manners you can possibly imagine. But they are also brave and kind, and loyal to a fault. I've grown very fond of them, and I would save them if I can.

Thorin Oakenshield: [calling down the hall, from the armory to Bilbo] Master Baggins, come here.

[Bilbo tentatively wanders over]

Thorin Oakenshield: You're going to need this.

[Thorin holds up the mithril shirt - the same one Bilbo gave Frodo in Fellowship of the Ring]

Thorin Oakenshield: Put it on.

[Bilbo takes it and slips it on over his shirt]

Thorin Oakenshield: This vest is made of silver steel. Mithril, it was called by my forebears. No blade can pierce it.

Bilbo Baggins: [laughing slightly at how he looks] I look absurd! I'm not a warrior, I'm a Hobbit.

Thorin Oakenshield: It is a gift. A token of our friendship.

[Bilbo offers a small smile. Thorin glances at the Dwarves in the armory, lowering his voice]

Thorin Oakenshield: True friends are hard to come by.

[Shoves BIlbo, none too kindly, further down the tunnel, out of earshot]

Thorin Oakenshield: I have been blind... but now I begin to see. I am betrayed!

Bilbo Baggins: [nervously] Betrayed?

Thorin Oakenshield: The Arkenstone.

[leans closer to Bilbo, lowering his voice even more]

Thorin Oakenshield: One of them has taken it.

[Both Bilbo and Thorin glance back towards the armory]

Thorin Oakenshield: One of them is false.

Bilbo Baggins: [carefully] Thorin... the quest is fulfilled. You've won the mountain. Is that not enough?

Thorin Oakenshield: Betrayed by my own kin...

Bilbo Baggins: N-no, uh. You made a promise to the people of Laketown. I-is this treasure truly worth more than your honor? Our honor, Thorin, I was also there. I gave my word.

Thorin Oakenshield: [Thorin smiles] For that, I am grateful. It was nobly done.

[smile fades]

Thorin Oakenshield: But the treasure in this mountain does not belong to the people of Laketown.

[sounding more and more like Smaug]

Thorin Oakenshield: This gold is ours. And ours alone. On my life, I will not part with a single coin. Not one piece of it.

Bilbo Baggins: [Bilbo stares across at him in despair and maybe a little fear as the Dwarves march by, fully armed]

Bilbo Baggins: Who is that? He doesn't look too happy.

Gandalf: It is Dain, Lord of the Ironhills. Thorin's cousin.

Bilbo Baggins: [jogging to catch up to Gandalf] Are they alike?

Gandalf: [pauses] I always found Thorin the more reasonable of the two.

Thorin Oakenshield: [learning Bard has the Arkenstone] They are taking us for fools. It is a ruse. A filthy lie. The Arkenstone is in this mountain! It is a trick!

Bilbo Baggins: It... it's no trick. The stone is real. I gave it to them.

Thorin Oakenshield: You?

Bilbo Baggins: I took it as my fourteenth share.

Thorin Oakenshield: You would steal from me?

Bilbo Baggins: Steal from you? No. No, I may be a burglar, but I like to think I'm an honest one.

Thorin Oakenshield: I'm glad you're here. I wish to part with you in friendship.

Bilbo Baggins: No. You're not going anywhere, Thorin. You're going to live.

Thorin Oakenshield: I would take back my words and my deeds at the Gate. You did what only a true friend would do. Forgive me. I was too blind to see it.

Bilbo Baggins: Good morning.

Gandalf: What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not? Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning. Or are you simply stating that this is a morning to be good on?

Bilbo Baggins: All of them at once, I suppose.

Bilbo Baggins: I have... I have never used a sword in my life.

Gandalf: And I hope you never have to. But if you do, remember this: true courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one.

Gandalf: Well, why does it matter? He's back!

Thorin Oakenshield: It matters. I want to know - why did you come back?

Bilbo Baggins: Look, I know you doubt me, I know you always have. And you're right. I often think of Bag End. I miss my books. And my armchair. And my garden. See, that's where I belong. That's home. That's why I came back, 'cause you don't have one. A home. It was taken from you. But I will help you take it back if I can.

Gollum: Is he lost?

Bilbo Baggins: Yes, yes, and I want to get unlost... as soon as possible!

Gollum: Oh! We knows! We knows safe paths for hobbitses! Safe paths in the dark... SHUT UP!

Bilbo Baggins: I didn't say anything...

Gollum: Wasn't talking to you!

Balin: It's just the usual; summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth.

Bilbo Baggins: Funeral arrangements?

[reads contract]

Bilbo Baggins: Oh, up to but not exceeding one fourteenth total profit if any. Seems fair. Present company shall not be liable for injuries including but not limited to laceration, evisceration... incineration?

Bofur: Oh, aye. He'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.

Balin: You all right, laddie?

Bilbo Baggins: Yeah, I'll be. Feel a bit faint

Bofur: Think furnace, with wings.

Bilbo Baggins: Yeah, I-I-I need air

Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof, you're nothing more than a pile of ash.

Bilbo Baggins: [long pause] Nope.

[faints]

Gandalf: Very helpful, Bofur.

Bilbo Baggins: Why don't we have a game of riddles... Just, just you and me.

Gollum: [comes towards Bilbo; as Friendly Gollum] Just... Just us?

Bilbo Baggins: Yes... Yes! And if I win, you...

[gestures]

Bilbo Baggins: ...You show me the way out, yes?

Gollum: [nods] Yes, Yes...

[Gollum's pupils narrow as he becomes Treacherous Gollum. He growls as he back into the shadows; Bilbo looks uneasy]

Gollum: [sinister whisper] And if it loses... what then?

[Gollum blinks; as Friendly Gollum]

Gollum: Well... if it loses, Precious. then we EATS it!

[Gollum giggles sinisterly; then he turns to Bilbo]

Gollum: [casually] And if Baggins loses, then we eats it whole.

[Gollum smiles and shrugs]

Bilbo Baggins: [after a long pause] Fair enough.

[Bilbo attempts to sneak out of the cave while the company sleeps but is stopped by Bofur]

Bofur: Where do you think you're going?

Bilbo Baggins: Back to Rivendell.

Bofur: No. No. You can't turn back now. You're part of the company. You're one of us.

Bilbo Baggins: I'm not now, am I? Thorin said I should have never have come and he was right. I'm not a Took, I'm a Baggins. I don't know what I was thinking. I should never have run out my door.

Bofur: You're homesick. I understand.

Bilbo Baggins: No you don't. You don't understand. None of you do. You're Dwarves. You're use to this life, to living on the road, never settling in one place, not belonging anywhere!

Bilbo Baggins: [Bofur's expression falls and immediately Bilbo realizes he has gone too far] I'my sorry, I didn't...

Bofur: [Bofur nods his head and looks around at the sleeping company] No you're right. We don't belong anywhere.

Bofur: I wish you all the luck in the world. I really do.

[He smiles and pats Bilbo's arm]

Hobbit: You! Mr. Bilbo, where're you off to?

Bilbo Baggins: I'm already late.

Hobbit: Late for what?

Bilbo Baggins: I'm going on an adventure!

Gandalf: The world is not in your books and maps. It's out there.

Bilbo Baggins: I can't just go running off into the blue! I am a Baggins of Bag End!

Gandalf: You are also a Took. Did you know that your Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle Bullroarer Took was so large he could ride a real horse?

Bilbo Baggins: Yes.

Gandalf: Well he could! In the Battle of Greenfields, he charged the Goblin ranks. He swung his club so hard it knocked the Goblin King's head cleaned off and it sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit hole. And thus the battle was won and the game of golf invented at the same time.

Bilbo Baggins: I do believe you made that up.

Gandalf: Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.

Bilbo Baggins: ...Can you promise that I will come back?

Gandalf: No. And if you do... you will not be the same.

Dori: Mr. Gandalf, can't you do something about this deluge?

Gandalf: It is raining, Master dwarf, and it will continue to rain until the rain is done. If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.

Bilbo Baggins: Are there any?

Gandalf: What?

Bilbo Baggins: Other wizards?

Gandalf: There are five of us. The greatest of our order is Saruman the White. And then there are the two Blue Wizards... You know, I've quite forgotten their names.

Bilbo Baggins: And the fifth?

Gandalf: Well, that would be Radagast the Brown.

Bilbo Baggins: Is he a great wizard, or is he more like you?

Gandalf: Well, I think he is a very great wizard... in his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals for others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forest lands to the East, and a good thing too. For always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.

Bilbo Baggins: I just need to sit quietly for a moment.

Gandalf: You've been sitting quietly for far too long!

Thorin Oakenshield: And I am sorry for doubting you.

Bilbo Baggins: No, it's fine. I would have doubted me too. I'm not a hero, or a warrior...

[looks up at Gandalf]

Bilbo Baggins: ... Not even a burglar.

Ori: That's why we need a burglar!

Bilbo Baggins: Hmmm, and a good one too, I would say. An expert.

Gloin: And are you?

Bilbo Baggins: [looks behind him, then back] Am I what?

Oin: He said he's an expert! Hey hey!

Bilbo Baggins: [as Dwarves start musically banging cutlery on the tables] Careful! You'll blunt them!

Bofur: [Amused] Oh, did you hear that, lads? He says we'll blunt the knives!

Dwarves: [Gleefully singing] Blunt the knives! Bend the forks! Smash the bottles and burn the corks! Chip the glasses and crack the plates! That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!

Bilbo Baggins: Can I help you?

Gandalf: That remains to be seen.

[Bilbo opens the door]

Dwalin: Dwalin, at your service.

Bilbo Baggins: Um...

[bows]

Bilbo Baggins: Bilbo Baggins, at yours.

Bilbo Baggins: [to the trolls, about cooking the dwarves] Well, I mean, have you smelled them? You're going to need something a lot stronger than sage before you can plate this lot up!

[as the trolls are roasting half a dozen of the dwarves on a spit over a fire]

Bilbo Baggins: Wait, wait! You are making a terrible mistake!

Bert Troll: Eh?

Dori: You can't reason with them, they're half-wits!

Bofur: Half-wits? What does that make us?

Bilbo Baggins: My name is Bilbo Baggins!

Gollum: Baggines? What is Bagginses?... Precious.

Thorin Oakenshield: Tell me, Mr. Baggins, have you done much fighting?

Bilbo Baggins: Pardon me?

Thorin Oakenshield: Axe or sword, what's your weapon of choice?

Bilbo Baggins: [proudly] Well, I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know.

Bilbo Baggins: I am surrounded by dwarves! What are they doing here?

Gandalf: Oh, they're quite a merry gathering. Once you get used to them.

Bilbo Baggins: [griping about the dwarves] They pillaged the pantry. I'm not even going to tell you what they've done to the bathroom, they all but destroyed the plumbing. I don't understand; what are they doing in my house?

Elrond: This is Orcrist, the Goblin Cleaver, a famous blade. Made by the High Elves of the West, my kin.

[hands it back to Thorin]

Elrond: May it serve you well.

[unsheathes Gandalf's sword]

Elrond: And this is Glamdring, the Foe-Hammer, sword of the King of Gondolin. These swords were made for the Goblin Wars long ago...

[Bilbo curiously looks at his own sword's blade]

Balin: Wouldn't bother, lad. Swords are named for the great deeds they do in war.

Bilbo Baggins: What are you saying? That my sword hasn't seen battle?

Balin: Not actually sure it is a sword. More of a letter opener, really.

[last lines]

Bilbo Baggins: You're right, I do believe the worst is behind us now.

Bilbo Baggins: [as four dwarves start rearranging his kitchen, his doorbell rings again] Oh no. No. There's nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There're far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If this is some cluthead's idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in VERY poor taste!

[He opens the door, and eight dwarves fall in a heap in front of him]

Bilbo Baggins: [Bilbo interrupts as Tom the troll about to eat Bombur] Uh... no, no, not... not that one, he... he's infected!

William Troll: [taken aback] You what?

Bilbo Baggins: Yes, he's got worms in his... tubes.

Tom Troll: Ooh!

[Tom throws down Bombur in disgust]

Bilbo Baggins: In-in fact, they all have. They're infested with parasites, it's a terrible business, I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't.

Oin: Parasites? Did he say parasites?

Kili: Yeah, we don't have parasites!

[to Bilbo]

Kili: You have parasites!

[Thorin realizes that Bilbo is trying to buy them time and kicks Kili, and the dwarves realize what Bilbo is doing]

Oin: I've got parasites as big as my arm!

Kili: Mine are the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites!

Nori: We're riddled!

Ori: Yes, I'm riddled!

Dori: Yes, we are, badly!

Bilbo Baggins: [1st riddle] Thirty white horses, on a red hill; First, they champ. Then they stand; the, they stand still.

[Gollum pauses; thinking]

Gollum: [unsure] Uh... Teeth?

[Bilbo looks defeated]

Gollum: [excitedly] TEETH!

[Gollum laughs; Bilbo smiles half-heartedly]

Gollum: Yes! my precious!

[inhales deeply]

Gollum: [very serious] But we, we... we only have... NINE.

[He bares his nine, crooked, yet sharp teeth; to show emphasis]

Gollum: [to Bilbo; after answering the first riddle] Our turn...

[reciting riddle; as he recites, Gollum menacingly creeps around a rock, not taking his eyes off of Bilbo, who slowly and cautiously steps away from him]

Gollum: Voiceless it cries; Wingless flutters; Toothless bites; Mouthless mutters.

[he glares at Bilbo deviously]

Bilbo Baggins: Just a minute...

[Bilbo walks away to think]

Gollum: [his pupils widen; as Friendly Gollum] Ooo, Ooo! We knows! We knows!

[as treacherous Gollum]

Gollum: Shut up!

Bilbo Baggins: [Bilbo sees ripples in the lake, made by the wind; he smiles] Wind...

Bilbo Baggins: [turning to Gollum] It's wind, 'course it is.

[Gollum growls]

Gollum: [prowling towards Bilbo] Very clever, hobbitses... VERY CLEVER...

Bilbo Baggins: [holds out his sword towards Gollum, stopping him; reciting] A... A box without hinges, key, or-or lid... and yet, golden treasure inside is... hid.

Gollum: [Gollum creeps away to think; as he is thinking, he begins to mutter and whisper to himself] Box... um uh... Box... lid... and a key...

Bilbo Baggins: Well?

Gollum: [annoyed; pointing at Bilbo] It's nah-stee.

[He continues to whisper to himself]

Bilbo Baggins: Give up?

Gollum: [strained] Oh, give us a chance, precious! Give us a CHANCE!

[Gollum continues to groan, growl, grunt and hiss in frusteration. As he thinks, he makes faces; making "oo" sounds and blowing raspberry sounds with his lips stretched when suddenly, his eyes open wide and his mouth is agape]

Gollum: *EGGSES!*

[Gollum chuckles as Bilbo shakes his head, dismayed]

Gollum: Eggses! Wet, crunchy little eggses! Grandmother taught us how to suck them, yes! heh, heh...

[from trailer]

Gandalf: You asked me to find the fourteenth member of this company and I have chosen Mr. Baggins.

Bilbo Baggins: Me? No! No no no!

Gandalf: Hobbits can pass unseen by most if they choose, which gives us a distinct advantage.

Gollum: [searching for "his precious"; the one ring; wails in despair] Lost! My precious is LOOOOSSST!

[Gollum lets out a gasping sob; Bilbo takes the One Ring out of his pocket and hides it behind his back]

Bilbo Baggins: [concerned] What have you lost?

Gollum: [crying] Mustn't ask us! Not its business! Noooo... Gollum! Gollum!

[Gollum sobs softly]

Bilbo Baggins: [feeling the One Ring in his pocket; to himself] What... have I got... in my pocket?

[Gollum; who is crouching on a stalagmite, holding a rock he is meaning to throw at Bilbo, scowls, thinking Bilbo's question as a riddle]

Gollum: That's not fair... That's not fair! It's against the *rules*!

[In a hissy fit, Gollum throws the rock down. Bilbo looks on in amazement]

Gollum: [pouting] Ask us another one!

Bilbo Baggins: [points his sword at Gollum] No, no. You said, "ask me a question." Well, *That* is MY question. "What Have I Got In My Pocket?"

[Gollum growls in reluctance as he jumps down from his stalagmite perch and crouches on the floor beside his hideout]

Gollum: [holding up only two fingers] It must give us three guesses, precious! It must give us *three*!

Bilbo Baggins: Three guesses, very well. Guess away!

Gollum: [holds up his hands] Handses!

Bilbo Baggins: [shows Gollum that his left hand is out of the pocket] Wrong. Try again.

[Gollum groans in frustration]

Gollum: [rummaging through his belongings in his hole; to himself] I've got Fishses bones, Goblinses bones, Bat's wings, food...

[He growls; thinking hard; he slaps his hands down repeatedly when... ]

Gollum: [shouts] *KNIFE*! Oh, shut up!

Bilbo Baggins: Wrong again. Last guess.

Gollum: String... or nothing!

Bilbo Baggins: Two guesses at once. Wrong both times.

Gollum: [groans; defeated] Ooooooohhh...

[as he groans; Gollum flops on his side. He lies in a fetal position as he sobs softly]

Bilbo Baggins: [swinging his sword at Gollum] *Keep* your distance! *I'LL* use this... if I have to!

Bilbo Baggins: I've never stolen a thing in my life.

Bilbo Baggins: [Grabbing a doily from Nori] Excuse me, that is a doily, not a dishcloth.

Bofur: But it's full of holes!

Bilbo Baggins: It's supposed to look like that, it's crochet.

Bofur: Oh, and a wonderful game it is too, if you've got the balls for it.

[last lines]

[Smaug takes off to attack Lake Town]

Bilbo Baggins: What have we done?

Bilbo Baggins: I did not come to steal from you, O Smaug the Unassessably Wealthy. I merely wanted to gaze upon your magnificence, to see if you really were as great as the old tales say. I did not believe them.

Smaug: [strikes a pose] And do you, NOW?

Bilbo Baggins: Truly, tales and songs fall utterly short of your enormity, O Smaug the Stupendous...

Smaug: Do you think flattery will keep you alive?

Bilbo Baggins: No, no...

Smaug: No, indeed!

Gandalf: You've changed, Bilbo Baggins. You're not the same Hobbit as the one who left the Shire...

Bilbo Baggins: I was going to tell you... I found something in the Goblin tunnels.

Gandalf: Found what? What did you find?

Bilbo Baggins: [pause]

Bilbo Baggins: My courage.

Gandalf: Good... well, that's good. You'll need it.

Smaug: You think you can deceive me, Barrel-Rider? You have come from Lake Town! This is some sort of scheme hatched between these filthy dwarves and those miserable tub-trading Lakemen, those snivelling cowards with their Longbows and Black Arrows! Perhaps it is time I paid them a visit!

Bilbo Baggins: Oh, no... This isn't their fault! Wait! You can not go to Lake Town!

Smaug: You care about them, do you? Good! Then you can watch them DIE!

[observes a carving of the Arkenstone]

Bilbo Baggins: What's that?

Balin: That is the Arkenstone.

Bilbo Baggins: And what is it?

Thorin Oakenshield: That, Master Burglar, is why you are here.

[Bilbo observes a bare patch on Smaug's chest]

Bilbo Baggins: So it is true, the Black Arrow found its mark...

Smaug: What did you say?

Smaug: You seem familiar with my name, but I don't remember smelling your kind before. Who are you and where do you come from, may I ask?

Bilbo Baggins: I come from under the hill...

Smaug: Underhill?

Bilbo Baggins: ...and under hills and over hills my paths lead. And through the air! I am he who walks unseen!

Smaug: Impressive. What else do you claim to be?

[leans forward to smell Bilbo]

Bilbo Baggins: L-Luck-Wearer... R-Riddle-Maker...

Smaug: Lovely titles... Go on.

Bilbo Baggins: Barrel-Rider!

Smaug: Barrels! Now that is interesting!

[gutting an infant spider that touched his ring]

Bilbo Baggins: MINE!

[slowly realizes what he has done]

Smaug: It's Oakenshield. That filthy Dwarvish usurper! He sent you in here for the Arkenstone, didn't he?

Bilbo Baggins: No no no no no, I have no idea what you're talking about...

Smaug: Don't bother denying it! I guessed his foul purpose some time ago! But it matters not. Oakenshield's quest will fail. A darkness is coming. It will spread to every corner of the land!

Smaug: You are being used, Thief in the Shadows. You were only ever a means to an end. The coward Oakenshield has weighed the value of your life and found it worth nothing...

Bilbo Baggins: No. No! You're lying!

Smaug: And what about your little dwarf friends? Where are they hiding?

Bilbo Baggins: Dwarves... No. No dwarves here. You've got that all wrong.

Smaug: Oh, I don't think so, Barrel-Rider! They sent you in here to do their dirty work, while they skulk about outside!

Bilbo Baggins: Truly, you are mistaken, O Smaug Chiefest and Greatest of All Calamities...

Smaug: You have nice manners for a thief, and a LIAR! I know the smell and taste of dwarves, no one better!

[Bilbo stabs a spider, who screams of it stinging]

Bilbo Baggins: Sting... That's a good name!

Thorin Oakenshield: [after putting in the key and opening the door] Erebor.

Balin: [In tears] Thorin.

Thorin Oakenshield: I know these walls. These halls. This stone. Do you remember it Balin? Chambers filled with golden light.

Balin: I remember.

Gloin: [Reading the Dwarvish writing in the stone] Herein lies the 7th kingdom of Durin's folk. May the heart of the mountain unite all dwarves in defense of this home.

Balin: The throne of the king.

Bilbo Baggins: [Observing the carving] And what's that, above it?

Balin: The arkenstone.

Bilbo Baggins: And what's that?

Thorin Oakenshield: That, Master Burglar, is why you are here.

[Smaug is about to kill Thorin]

Thorin Oakenshield: [to Bilbo] NOW!

Bilbo Baggins: [jumping and grabbing the dwarvian lever] Argh!

[water spews out of the spouts]

Smaug: [roars; ready to breath fire] Arrgh...

[the water hits Smaug, cooling him off and distinguishing the fire in his lungs]

Smaug: [searching for the invisible Bilbo; menacingly] Well... Thief! I can smell you... I can hear your breath, I can feel your breath... Where-Are-You?

[comes really close to Bilbo, who begins to lose his nerve]

Smaug: Where are you?

[Out of fright, Bilbo takes off running. Smaug chases after him. Bilbo hides behind one of the columns]

Smaug: [calmly] Come now... Don't be shy. Step into the light.

[creeps towards Bilbo's hiding place]

Smaug: There is something you carry... Something made of gold. Except only much... more... Precious...

[Bilbo is assaulted by Sauron's eye and quickly takes the ring off. He sees Smaug's piercing eye in front of him. Bilbo gasps, startled]

Smaug: There you are... thief in the shadows.

Bilbo Baggins: I-I didn't come to steal, Smaug the inaccessibly wealthy. I only wanted to gaze upon your magnificence, and what the old tales say is true.

[whimpers]

Bilbo Baggins: But I did not believe them!

[Smaug fluidly slinks away and does a pose of grandiose]

Smaug: [proudly; his voice resonating] And DO YOU NOW?

Bilbo Baggins: [in awe] Yes... Yes, what the stories said is true.

Bilbo Baggins: You do know we're one short; where's Bofur?

Thorin Oakenshield: If he's not here, we leave him behind.

Balin: We have to, if we're to find the door before nightfall. We can risk no more delays.

Bilbo Baggins: [whispering] Everyone, climb into the barrels! Quickly!

Dwalin: Are you mad? They'll find us!

Bilbo Baggins: No, no they won't, I promise you. Please, please, you must trust me.

[silence]

Thorin Oakenshield: Do as he says.

[They do so, and Bilbo does a head count]

Bofur: [pokes his head out] What do we do now?

[All the dwarves poke their heads out]

Bilbo Baggins: Hold your breath.

Bofur: Hold me breath? What do you mean...?

[All the dwarves yell as Bilbo pulls the lever opening the trap door, spilling the barrels into the river]