Big Brayden Quotes in The Greasy Strangler (2016)

Big Brayden: Dad! Were you here the whole time!

Big Ronnie: Yes!

Janet: Don't hide under Brayden's bed!

Big Ronnie: Hey! You're my girlfriend! And by the way, he wouldn't even exist if he hadn't flown out of my long juicy prickus!

[turns to Brayden]

Big Ronnie: And as for you, as your father I forbid you to marry! And one other thing, you're evicted. So it's time for you to fuck off.

Big Brayden: We're leaving right now and we're leaving gladly!

Janet: Brayden will be moving into my place, he'll be much happier there, and he can twattle my twat anytime he wants! And I don't care if he craps on the bed, I'll rub it on my tits!

Big Brayden: Yeah dad! We don't need you, and it kills you to think that Janet loves me! And guess what? I love her! And you were right about one thing though dad, she is a hootie tootie disco cutie!

Big Brayden, Janet: Hootie tootie disco cutie! Hootie tootie disco cutie! Hootie tootie disco cutie! Hootie tootie disco cutie! Hootie tootie disco cutie! Hootie tootie disco cutie! Hootie tootie disco cutie!

Big Brayden: Just so you know, he tried to impress me with a loud fart once. He put his legs behind his head and he shouted someone's cutting the cheese. Instead of just gas a big glob of turd flew out of his butt like a rocket. It did a loop-d-loop near the wall and landed on the bed. So if anyone's a bed crapper around here it's him!

Janet: That must have been tough.

Big Brayden: Yeah. It looked like a big brown finger. It was pointing right at me.

Janet: If he really is the greasy strangler, you have to kill him.

Janet: So um, does your mom live with you two?

Big Brayden: No. She left when I was small. She met someone new.

Janet: Well that's crapola.

Big Brayden: Yeah. His name is Ricky Prickles. He's a professional sports coach. He's got the most defined six pack I've ever seen.

Janet: Ohh! Tell this girl more.

Big Brayden: I went to stay with mom and Ricky once, he made me punch him in his six pack. He didn't feel anything because the muscles were so hard. It was like punching a vacuum packed bag of roasted sausages. Then he made me do abdominal crunches with him. I barfed all over his carpet. My barf was real orange and tasted fizzy. Ricky Prickles was so mad, he smacked me twice in the face with the flat of his hand.

Janet: Ricky the pricky.

Big Brayden: Then he molested me. Sexually harassed me.

Janet: How old were you?

Big Brayden: 18. I had long golden hair and a soft mustache. I've never been able to do muscle curls or abdominal crunches.

Janet: Not all girls like ripped up abs.

Big Brayden: Yeah! Some girls like loyal hearts.

Big Ronnie: People like milky coffee. Why not put a little grease in your coffee?

Big Brayden: No dad. That sounds gross.

Big Ronnie: Why not put a little grease in your java? Why not try it?

Big Brayden: You're such a gross out dad. I think I might barf.

Big Ronnie: Well I'm not saying I wanna do it, I just wondered why they haven't tried greasy coffee.

Big Brayden: Greasy coffee?

Big Ronnie: Ah, you probably think I'm the Greasy Stranger.

Big Brayden: I never said that.

Big Ronnie: Tell you a secret, I am the Greasy Strangler.

Big Brayden: Hey I call bullshit on that!

Big Ronnie: Ohhhhkay, I'm not the Greasy Strangler.

Big Brayden: But you're a bullshit artist!

Big Ronnie: Yeah, I kinda am!

Big Brayden: So dad, I think I got a date with that hot chick from the tour.

Big Ronnie: No way! You're a bullshit artist!

Big Brayden: No, it's official. It's all been confirmed. She likes me.

Big Ronnie: She's yanking your chain. Trust me.

Big Brayden: No dad. She likes my character, she said so. And her name's Janet.

Big Ronnie: That's not right! I need them greasy. And this is nothing like greasy! Do you understand!

Big Brayden: Too much grease is bad for you. I read it on a fitness magazine someone left on the bus.

Big Ronnie: That's horseshit! You're a bullshit artist! We have an agreement, you stay here you cook greasy! And this is not it! Maybe you should just go live with your mom and Ricky Prickles!

Big Brayden: Dad don't say that you know Ricky Prickles hates me! Last time I was there he called me fatty boom-boom.

Big Ronnie: I'm officially dating Janet. We made it official last night. We sealed it with a kiss.

Big Brayden: Bullshit artist!

Big Ronnie: Janet and I are exclusive. There's no reason to talk of this anymore.

Big Brayden: Bullshit artist!

Big Ronnie: Bullshit artist!

Big Ronnie, Big Brayden: Bullshit artist! Bullshit artist! Bullshit artist! Bullshit artist! Bullshit artist! Bullshit artist!

Big Ronnie: You sir, are a horse shit artist!

Big Brayden: I call bullshit on that!

Big Ronnie: I'm detecting the unmistakable scent of... wait for it.

Big Brayden: Horse shit?

Big Ronnie: No you're answer is completely wrong! The correct answer is...

Big Brayden: What's the correct answer?

Big Ronnie: Wait...

Big Brayden: Tell me the correct answer!

Big Ronnie: The correct answer is... horseshit!

Big Brayden: That's what I said dad!

Big Ronnie: Ahhhhh bullshit!

Big Brayden: You're covered in horse shit!

Big Ronnie: Bull. Shit. Ar. Tist!

Big Brayden: You're officially the world's biggest bullshit and horse shit artist!

Big Ronnie: Bullshit! Horse shit! Cat shit! Tiger shit! Lion shit! Duck shit! Walrus shit! Penguin shit! King penguin shit! B-U-DOUBLE L-S-H-I-T NEW WORD A-R-T-I-S-T spells BULLSHIT ARTIST! I say again, bullshit artist! Bully, bully, bullshit!

Big Brayden: Janet was my first she loved me only!

Big Ronnie: Well I call bullshit on that one, cause last night I claimed her pussy.

Big Brayden: Oh you claimed her pussy but you never claimed her heart!

Big Ronnie: Don't make me evict you! I'm getting really close to throwing your whiny ass out of my house forever!

Big Brayden: Ah. You're up late.

Big Brayden: Yeah. I'm working on a novel.

Janet: The fantasy one?

Big Brayden: No. It's an urban cyber-thriller called "Revenge Incorporated". It's set in a dark future where revenge is outlawed, but there's a company you can hire to get revenge for you.

Janet: Hmmm.

Big Brayden: I been dreaming about you through-out these long hot nights. Do you miss me?

Janet: Yeah... I sort of miss you.

Big Brayden: I'm lost and lonely for you. Basically I love you.

Janet: Don't say that. Unless you mean it of course.

Big Brayden: Why's the sky blue? Because blue is your favorite color.

Janet: Oh you cornball.

Big Brayden: Yeah I'm a cornball remember? I love you though. I love you. I wanted to say it for so long.

Janet: It feels good to hear it, if I'm honest.

Big Brayden: Give yourself to me for all time.

Janet: Don't say that, this girl's confused.

Big Brayden: If I could write your name on the moon I would with my own blood. And also I wanna marry you

Janet: Okay...?

Big Brayden: I loved you from the moment I saw you on the disco tour. I'm a romantic at heart.

Big Brayden: I'm making these bacon rolls real greasy dad.

Big Brayden: Bullshit artist!

Big Brayden: Am not!

Big Ronnie: Bullshit! You make this the greasiest feast since that goose you cooked on Christmas!

Big Brayden: Done and done, dad.

Big Ronnie: Are there expensive high quality crème cocktails? What the fuck do you think? I'm expecting to run up a formidable bar bill tonight... Fifteen bucks for a luxuriously creamy pussy-ass daiquiri!

Big Brayden: That's kind of pricy for a drink.

Big Ronnie: And now, this very store here is where Kool, from Kool & the Gang, worked before he exploded unto the disco scene. Anyway this is the end of Big Ronnie's disco tour thank you very much for coming and ah, come again soon!

[Tourists walk away and Janet walks in]

Janet: So, where you taking me tonight mister?

Big Brayden: How about a sizzling cajun hot pot?

Big Ronnie: Well what about me? Who's gonna cook for me? I'm hungry!

Big Brayden: You'll have to go to a vendor dad. You'll have to go get a dog.

Janet: Not a real dog.

Big Brayden: Yeah don't bite into a real dog.

Janet: Don't bite into a woof-woof!

Big Brayden: Woof-woof!

Big Ronnie: Okay. You two can fuck off tonight!

Big Brayden: Bye dad.

Janet: Bye-bye.

Big Ronnie: Bye-bye. Fucking cunts.

[watches Janet and Brayden walk away]

Big Ronnie: I could feast on that queens ass all night long!

Jodi: Your da-da may well be the greasy strangler, unfortunately I cannot proceed with this case any further as there is no evidence. Please end all inquiries here.

Big Brayden: What about the oil on his floor?

Jodi: Circumstantial evidence is meaningless. Please end all inquiries here.

Big Brayden: So we're on our own.

Jodi: Please end all inquiries here.

Big Brayden: Come on Jodi, please!

Jodi: Please end all...

[points at Janet]

Janet: Inquiries here.

Jodi: Correct. Please end all inquiries here.

Big Brayden: Great. Well you've been most helpful Mr. Jodi. I know my dad's the greasy strangler. I guess I'll have to expose him on my own.

[first lines]

Big Brayden: Time to get up, dad.

Big Brayden: Just so you know, he tried to impress me with a loud fart once. He put his legs behind his head and shouted, "Someone's cutting the cheese!" Instead of just gas, a big glob of turd flew out of his butt like a rocket. It did a loop-the-loop near the wall and landed on the bed. So if anyone's a bed crapper around here, it's him.

Janet: That must have been tough.

Big Brayden: Yeah. It looked like a big, brown finger. It was pointing right me.