Bert Quotes in The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland (1999)

Ernie: Come on Bert, what kind of movie has a sad ending?

Bert: Titanic. Titanic had a sad ending.

[first lines]

Ernie: [Ernie hums, then turns to the audience] Hi there everybody! Welcome to the movie. Hey, we're so glad you came. Now...

Bert: [Bert appears, wearing a bath towel and showering cap] Ernie, Ernie.

Ernie: Hm?

Bert: Listen, I'm going to take a shower. Have you seen my antibacterial soap?

Ernie: No, Bert, I haven't.

Bert: Oh, now where did I...?

Ernie: Now, this movie you're about to see is all about Elmo.

Bert: Who are you talking to?

Ernie: The audience, Bert. They're right there.

Bert: Huh?

[Bert walks up to the screen]

Ernie: See?

Bert: Wow, look at all those people!

Ernie: Mm-hmm.

Bert: Hey, nice cardigan!

[Bert laughs, sounding like a sheep baaing]

Ernie: Now, in this movie, Elmo is going to ask for your help. He wants you to talk and play along.

Bert: Uh, how do we start?

Ernie: It's easy: just count backwards from 10.

Bert: Okay.

Ernie: [Ernie whispers to Bert] You see, Bert, that's how you start a movie, Bert.

Bert: Ahh.

Ernie: Can you all help us count backwards from 10?

Kids in audience: Yeah!

Ernie: Ready? Yell real loud!

Ernie, Bert, Kids in audience: [the countdown sequence begins] 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

Bert: Whattaya see, Ernie?

Ernie: [points his binoculars at Bert's nose] Your nose, Bert.

[he laughs]

Bert: Ernie! Get serious, will ya? We're supposed to be looking for Big Bird.

Ernie: Right!

Bert: Ernie, I see him!

Ernie: See who, Bert?

Bert: See that yellow spot down there? It's Big Bird!

Ernie: Oh, yeah. That sure looks like a yellow spot, all right.

Will Sly: God, his kind can really sing, huh?

[while Tom is performing]

Bert: Yeah, but they make lousy astronomers.

Bert: [singing] Winds in the east, mist coming in. / Like somethin' is brewin' and bout to begin. / Can't put me finger on what lies in store, / But I fear what's to happen all happened before.

Mary Poppins: You know, you *can* say it backwards, which is "docious-ali-expi-istic-fragil-cali-rupus" - but that's going a bit too far, don't you think?

Bert: Indubitably!

Jane: Oh, Bert, we're so frightened.

Bert: Now, now, don't take on so. Bert will take care of you. Like I was your father. Now, who's after you?

Jane: Father is.

Bert: What?

Michael: He brought us to see his bank.

Jane: I don't know what we did, but it must have been something dreadful.

Michael: He sent the police after us, and the army, and everything.

Jane: Michael, don't exaggerate.

Bert: Well now, there must be some mistake. Your dad's a fine gentleman and he loves you.

Jane: I don't think so. You should have seen the look on his face.

Michael: He doesn't like us at all.

Bert: Well now, that don't seem likely, does it?

Jane: It's true.

Bert: Let's sit down. You know, begging your pardon, but the one my heart goes out to is your father. There he is, in that cold heartless bank day after day, hammed in by mounds of cold heartless money. I don't like to see any living thing caged up.

Jane: Father in a cage?

Bert: They makes cages of all sizes and shapes, you know. Bank-shaped, some of them, carpets and all.

Jane: Father's not in trouble. We are.

Bert: Oh. Sure about that, are you? Look at it this way. You've got your mother to look after you and Mary Poppins and Constable Jones and me. Who looks after your father? Tell me that. When something terrible happens, what does he do? Fends for himself, he does. Who does he tell about it? No one. Don't blab his troubles at home. He just pushes on at his job, uncomplaining and alone and silent.

Michael: He's not very silent.

Jane: Michael, be quiet. Bert, do you think father really needs our help?

Bert: Well, it's not my place to say. I only observe that a father can always do with a bit of help. Come on, I'll take you home.

Mary Poppins: [singing] He traveled all around the world, and everywhere he went, he'd use his word, and all would say, "There goes a clever gent!"

Bert: [singing] When dukes or maharajahs pass the time o' day wi' me, I say me special word and then they ask me out to tea!

Mary Poppins, Bert: Oh, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious, if you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious! Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Bert: It's true that Mavis and Sybil have ways that are winning, and Prudence and Gwendolyn set your heart spinning! Phoebe's delightful, Maude is disarming...

Penguins: Janice, Felicia, Lydia...

Bert: ...charming! Cynthia's dashing, Vivian's sweet! Stephanie's smashing, Priscilla's a treat.

Penguins: Veronica, Millicent, Agnes, and Jane...

Bert: ...convivial company, time and again. Dorcas and Phyllis and Glynis are sorts I will agree are three jolly good sports, but cream of the crop, tip of the top - It's Mary Poppins, and there we stop!

Bert: What did I tell ya? There's the whole world at your feet. And who gets to see it but the birds, the stars, and the chimney sweeps.

Mary Poppins: [singing] Chim Chiminy, Chim Chiminy, Chim Chim Chiree! When you're with a 'sweep, you're in glad company.

Bert: Never was there a more happier crew, than them what sings Chim Chim Chiree Chim Chiroo! Chim Chim Chiminy Chim Chim Chiree Chim Chiroo...

Bert: All right, I'll do it myself!

Mary Poppins: Do what?

Bert: Bit o' magic!

Michael: A bit of magic?

Bert: It's easy! Let's see... You think.

[he, Jane, and Michael do so]

Bert: You wink.

[they do so]

Bert: You do a double blink.

[they do so]

Bert: You close your eyes... and jump!

[They jump onto the drawing, nothing happens]

Jane: Is something s'posed to happen?

Mary Poppins: Bert, what utter nonsense!

[gives an exasperated sigh]

Mary Poppins: Why do you *always* complicate things that are really quite simple? Give me your hand please, Michael. Don't slouch. One... two...

[They jump into the chalk picture]

Bert: You're a man of high position, esteemed by your peers.

[sings]

Bert: And when your little tykes are crying, you haven't time to dry their tears... And see their thankful little faces smiling up at you... 'Cause their dad, he always knows just what to do...

George Banks: Well, look - I...

Bert: Say no more, Gov'ner.

[sings]

Bert: You've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone... Though childhood slips like sand through a sieve... And all too soon they've up and grown, and then they've flown... And it's too late for you to give - just that spoonful of sugar to 'elp the medicine go down - medicine go dow-wown, medicine go down.

[speaks]

Bert: Well, goodbye, Gov'ner. Sorry to trouble you.

[Bert exits, whistling "A Spoonful of Sugar"]

[first lines]

Bert: All right, ladies an' gents! Comical poem! Suitable for the occasion, extemporized and thought up before your very eyes! All right, 'ere we go!

[sings]

Bert: Room 'ere for everyone. Gather around.

[speaks]

Bert: The constable - responstable! Now 'ow does that sound?

[no response]

Bert: Hm.

[dashes over to Miss Lark, sings]

Bert: 'Ello, Miss Lark, I've got one for you.

[speaks]

Bert: Miss Lark... likes to walk... in the park... with Andrew!

[Andrew barks, then Bert tips his hat to him]

Bert: Hello, Andrew.

[turns to Mrs. Corry, sings]

Bert: Ah, Mrs. Corry, a story for you.

[speaks]

Bert: Your daughters were shorter than you - but they grew!

Mary Poppins: [watching Bert, Albert, Jane, and Michael laugh together on the ceiling] Why, it's the most disgraceful sight I've ever seen, or my name isn't Mary Poppins.

Bert: Speakin' o' names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg?

[he, Bert, Jane, and Michael laugh]

Bert: It reminds me of me brother. He got a nice cushy job at a watch factory.

Uncle Albert: At a watch factory? What does he do?

Bert: He stands about all day... and makes faces!

Uncle Albert: [laughing hysterically] He makes faces in a watch factory!

Bert: Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I saved for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?

Uncle Albert: [sobbing] I'd be so grateful.

Bert: Well it's about me granddad, see, and one night he has a nightmare. He was so scared, he chewed his pillow to bits. Bits. In the morning, I says, "How you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh, not bad. A little down in the mouth."

[Bert laughs, Uncle Albert sobs harder]

Bert: I always say there's nothing like a good joke.

Uncle Albert: [sobbing] No, and that was nothing like a good joke.

[last lines]

Bert: Goodbye, Mary Poppins, don't stay away too long.

Bert: Bert'll take care of you, just like I was your own father. Now who's after you?

Jane: Father is.

Bert: Now this im-posin' edifice what first meets the eye is the 'ome of Admiral Boom, late of His Majesty's Navy. Likes his house ship-shape, he does. Shipe-shape and Bristol fashion at all times!

[the Admiral blows his whistle]

Admiral Boom: Time gun ready?

Mr. Binnacle: Ready and charged, sir.

Admiral Boom: Three minutes and six seconds.

Mr. Binnacle: Aye, aye, sir.

Bert: What he's famous for is punctuality. The whole world takes its time from Greenwich, but Greenwich, they say, takes its time from Admiral Boom.

[to Admiral Boom]

Bert: Wotcher, Admiral!

Admiral Boom: Good afternoon to you, young man. Where are you bound?

Bert: Number 17. Got some parties 'ere in town what wants to see it.

Admiral Boom: [to Binnacle] Enter that in the log.

Mr. Binnacle: Aye, aye, sir.

Admiral Boom: A word of advice, young man: storm signals are up at number 17. Bit of heavy weather brewing there.

Bert: Thanks, sir. Keep an eye skinned.

[continues walking]

Bert: Here we are, 17 Cherry Tree Lane, home of George Banks Esquire.

[screaming and shouting is heard from the house]

Bert: 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! Admiral's right: heavy weather brewin' at number 17 and no mistake.

Bert: Up where the smoke is all billowed and curled / 'Tween pavement and stars is the chimney sweep world / When there's hardly no day, nor hardly no night / There's things half in shadow and halfway in light / On the rooftops of London / Coo, what a sight!

Bert: Bert'll take care of you; like I was your own father. Now, who's after you?

Jane: Father is.

Bert: What?

Bert: [about his chalk drawings] Not Royal Academy, I suppose. Still better than a finger in the eye, ain't they?

Bert: A typical English countryside, as done by a true and loving hand. Though you can't see it, there's a little country fair down that road and over the hill.

Bert: [mocking Scott] Fiona!

Scott: Why are you wearing my bathrobe?

Bert: Oh, I'm sorry, but somebody *pissed* all over mine last night!

Bert: I'm getting the video camera!

[after seeing Scott at the Vatican on TV]

Bert: What a fucking loser, I'm gonna videotape this.

Bert: No, retardo. That's Jan, a man's name, and that's not "Mike", it's Mieke, a common German girl's name, similar to our Michelle.

Bert: No, retardo. That Jan, a man's name, and that's not "Mike", it's Mieke, a common German girl's name, similar to our Michele."

[Bert leaves the cabin with a rifle]

Karen: Bert, what the hell is that?

Bert: Huh? Oh, I'm gonna go shoot some squirrels.

Paul: Why would you wanna kill squirrels?

Bert: 'cause they're gay.

Karen: Bert, don't be a fucking retard.

Bert: I'm kidding. I don't care if they're gay or straight, I'll kill 'em either way.

Dennis: Pancakes. Pancakes!

Bert: No pancakes.

Dennis: PANCAKES!

Bert: No pancakes!

Bert: God damn it! What pancakes, you fuck?

Tommy: Boy, you wanna give me one good reason why you would steal a snickers bar.

Bert: The nougat?

Marcy: That's not funny, Bert.

Bert: Yes it is, you fuckin slut.

Bert: Goodnight, fucker.

Jeff: Hey, dipshit, what the fuck?

Bert: What are you, fuckin' Smokey the Clown now?

Jeff: Don't you mean 'Smokey the Bear?'

Paul: Bert, you okay? You don't look so hot.

Bert: Yeah, well, I don't feel so hot either.

Bert: I'm gonna call it off.

Glen: I think you'd better.

Fritzi: Wait!

Bert: Fritzi, what in the hell are you doing here?

Fritzi: Well I... I knew you'd be discussing stopping the show and I just thought how disappointed all the kids would be after...

Bert: You scheming little bitch!

Fritzi: Oh please! I'm a child.

Bert: If you think for one...

Fritzi: Oh save the speech, rummy. She's fucked, I'm ready, and the goddamn show must go on. So let's get cracking, shall we?

Bert: [addressing Fritzi] I've been watching you and you are a scary little girl. There's nothin' you can't do if you put your mind to it.

Bert: [addressing Glen] But I'll tell you something. They're a bunch of little freaks. And the more normal we try to make them, the more lonely and isolated they're gonna feel.

Bert: If I can teach you one thing, which is supposed to be my job here. It'd be that you should all go home.

Bert: Michael Bennett's dead. Bob Fosse is dead. Times Square is a theme park now.

Bert: I hate to be the Grinch, but it's not normal what goes on up here. Somebody has got to warn you.

Bert: Teenage faghags become adult faghags. Straight boys are straight. You can't turn 'em just because you need to be loved.

Bert: The foundation that's being laid here is not going to help you in the real world.

Bert: It's going to lead to waitressing jobs and bitterness and the obsessive, pointless collecting of out-of-print original cast albums.

Duke: [to Carolyn] What kind of a mother are you? Spread out all over the world! You can't raise your kids long distance, or by teachers, a maid, or a grouchy grandpa!

Bert: Or a Bert! Your kids are a real handful you know!

Bert: [hears sirens] THEY'RE HERE, IT'S THE COPS!

Duke: It's fire engines, and they're passing by.

[first lines]

Mr. Emil Gower: I owe everything to George Bailey. Help him, dear Father.

Giuseppe Martini: Joseph, Jesus and Mary. Help my friend, Mr. Bailey.

Ma Bailey: Help my son, George, tonight.

Bert: He never thinks about himself, God, that's why he's in trouble.

Ernie Bishop: George is a good guy. Give him a break, God.

Mary: I love him, dear Lord. Watch over him tonight.

Janie Bailey: Please, God, something's the matter with Daddy.

Zuzu Bailey: Please bring Daddy back.

[George returns to the bridge where his nightmare began, hoping to bring back his old life]

George Bailey: [praying] Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence! Get me back! Get me back, I don't care what happens to me! Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, please! Please! I wanna live again. I wanna live again. Please, God, let me live again.

[it begins to snow again]

Bert: [shouts] Hey, George! George! You all right? Hey, what's the matter?

George Bailey: Now get outta here, Bert, or I'll hit you again! Get outta here!

Bert: What the sam hill you yellin' for, George?

George Bailey: You...

[suddenly stunned]

George Bailey: George... Bert? Do you know me?

Bert: Know you? Huh. You kiddin'? I've been looking all over town trying to find you. I saw your car plowed into that tree down there and I thought maybe you - hey, your mouth's bleeding. Are you sure you're all right?

George Bailey: What the...

[licks the corner of his lip and checks his mouth with his hand]

George Bailey: Ha, ha, ha, ha! My mouth's bleeding, Bert! My mouth's bleeding! Zuzu's petals... Zuzu...

George Bailey: [checking his pocket] There they are! Bert, what do you know about that! Merry Christmas!

Bert: Isn't there any romance in you?

Ernie Bishop: Sure, I had it... but I got rid of it.

Bert: Liver pills? We need posters of beautiful places, romantic places. Places George wants to go!

Bert: Come on, we gotta' get this up. He's coming.

Ernie Bishop: Who?

Bert: The groom, you idiot. This is their honeymoon.

Ernie Bishop: What are they, ducks?

Violet Bick: Good afternoon, Mr. Bailey.

George Bailey: Hello, Violet. Hey, you look good, that's some dress you got on there.

Violet Bick: This old thing? Why, I only wear it when I don't care how I look.

Ernie Bishop: How would you like to take...

George Bailey: Yes?

Ernie Bishop: [to Bert] Want to come along, Bert? We'll show you the town.

Bert: No, thanks... I think I'll go home and see what the wife's doing.

Ernie Bishop: Family man.

[last lines]

Bert: Well?

Klaus: He doesn't answer. It's off the hook.

[lights a cigarette]

Klaus: Tell me, Bert. How long have you known Max?

Bert: Let's not talk about it.

Klaus: You don't, er... dance for him anymore?

Bert: I've lost him.

Aunt Ada: He settled her though, threatened to chuck her off Trent Bridge.

Bert: Oh aye, I'd forgot that.

Aunt Ada: She thought it were better to settle for a quid a week out of court rather than get a good wash.

Bert: I noticed that girl myself this morning, smashing bit of stuff. I shouldn't think she'd want aught to do with a madhead like you though.

Arthur Seaton: They all want a good time you can bet.

Bert: You should have been with us.

Aunt Ada: Our Ethel clicked with a bloke and he bought us drinks all round, the whole gang of us.

Bert: Aye, he must have got through a good 5 quid, soft bastard. Still he had a car so I suppose he could afford it.

Aunt Ada: Them was rotten days.

Arthur Seaton: I know, it won't happen again though, I can tell you that.

Bert: I was talking to a bloke the other day at the pit, he's always going on you know 'you can't beat the good old days'. So I got 'old of me pick and I said to him - 'you tell me anything else about them good old days as you call them and I'll split your stupid head open' - I would too.

Arthur Seaton: It costs too much to get married, a lump sum down and your wages a week for life.

Bert: Most blokes ain't got aught else to work for, have they?

Arthur Seaton: No. I have though. I work for the factory, the income tax and the insurance already, that's enough for a bit. They rob you right, left and centre. After they've skinned you dry you get called up to the army and get shot to death.

Bert: That's how things are Arthur, no good going crackers over it. All you can do is go on working and hope that some day something good will turn up.

Bert: Come on, what you frightened at, kiss won't hurt you.

Betty: What do you think I am, I don't even know you.

Bert: Well give us a kiss and then you will.

Betty: No, get off! You men are all the same.

Bert: I'm different.

Betty: You don't look like that to me.

Bert: Well I am, I think you're a little cracker.

Bert: Did you get anywhere?

Arthur Seaton: No, you?

Bert: Nah, that Betty's barmy, she wouldn't let me get near her. Tell you, you've got to marry them these days before you get aught.

Arthur Seaton: Not if they're already married.

Bert: I don't know how that ratface could do a thing like that.

Arthur Seaton: Cause she's a bitch and a whore, she's got no heart in her - she's a swivel-eyed git.

Bert: She wants pole-axing.

Arthur Seaton: Some people would nark on their mother, we're living in a jungle - we are and all. That bloke was a spineless bastard though, he should've run.

Bert: You were born dead lucky, weren't you.

Bert: You know I told you to lay off weeks ago, not that you took a blind bit of notice.

Arthur Seaton: Well you've gotta enjoy yourself.

Bert: You've got to keep your feet on the ground as well.

Arthur Seaton: I can't see much use in that. You see people settle down and before they know where they are they've kicked the bucket.

Bert: It ain't altogether like that.

Arthur Seaton: No, I now. It would be though if you didn't watch it.

Arthur Seaton: I've still got some fight left in me, not like most people.

Bert: Not saying you ain't, but where does all this fighting get you?

Arthur Seaton: Have you ever seen where not fighting's got you?

Bert: Bingo... my lucky night.

Bert: I'm not going to mess with a bunch of food picky drug freaks!

Bert: This is the saddest thing to happen since I lost the love of my life...

Phil: I'm sorry. How long were you married?

Bert: I was talking about my dog!

Bert: You blew your nose!

Bob: I did not blow my nose. It was your imagination!

Bert: Oh, no. My imagination doesn't make a noise like that.

Bob: Get that silly look off of your face! Every time you do that I know you're ready to lift something--and you promised me you weren't gonna steal another thing!

Bert: You know I can't help lifting things. It's a disease! Y'know, the doctor says that I'm a kleptomaniac.

Bob: Yeah, well why don't you take something for it?

Bert: I've taken everything. But you know, I don't really steal.

Bob: Aw, no, you don't steal--you just find a lot of things that haven't been lost, that's all!

Bert: I wonder who this carriage belongs to?

Bob: Oh, some great duchess, I suppose. I hope she doesn't find us under here. She's liable to have us beheaded.

Bert: Beheaded? Can she do that?

Bob: Sure. She can be head.

Bert: Do you think we ought to send for a lawyer?

Bob: Certainly not. We're in enough trouble as it is.

Bob: Come on. Let's get outta here.

Bert: Wait a minute. You wouldn't leave that kid in that fight would you?

Bob: Certainly not.

Bert: We're men of iron!

Bob: Yeah, but I'm a little rusty today.

Bert: What does that all mean?

Bob: It means that the clothes we have on belongs to the King's physician. So, from now on, we're a couple of doctors.

Mary Ann Dale: Surgeons?

Bob: No, I could never be a surgeon. Too much inside work.

Bob: Doc, you're just in time. We're just about ready to have a diagnosis.

Bert: Well, I've never drank one but I'll take a chance.

Bob: Now, take it easy, Gracie, this is not going to hurt you much. I'll blow very easy.

Bert: What happened?

Bob: He blew first!

Jimmy Kelly: I am an officer, but I'm traveling incognito.

Bert: I thought you came in a bus.

Jimmy Kelly: Do you have a fireplace here?

Bert: We have a fireplace, but it's inside.

Marjorie Burns: Well I suppose if the fireplace won't come to us, we'll have to go to it.

Bert: I've got a pair of wrens dated up for Coney Island. Want to make it a foursome?

John 'Johnny' Sims: Nothin' doin', Bert! I'm studying nights!

Bert: Aw, come on! These babies have got what ain't in books!

John 'Johnny' Sims: Well, I'll try anything once...

Bert: [Making introductions] Jane... John! John... Jane! Mary... John! John... Mary!

Bert: [Advice to Johnny as he leaves on his honeymoon] Don't forget to pull down the shades.

Marty: My mother always said I'd marry two men.

Taylor: Ah, only two?

Marty: Yes, but at the same time.

Taylor: At the same time? She said that?

Marty: No, it's my own idea. It's a secret desire, I confess it. I wouldn't live with both.

Taylor: No?

Marty: No, I'd divide my time. I'd have one one week and the other the next.

Taylor: Very nice. I'm just thinking what my mother would say.

Bert: She would find it... somewhat irregular.

Taylor: Somewhat irregular? God.

Bert: I went out with a girl once that told me to go jump in the lake... When I got back, she was gone.

Bert: That lady from Virginia sure changed the Major.

Cal Prince: Wait until the marriage and he'll get his same old even disposition back... always mad.