Bernard Lafferty Quotes in Bernard and Doris (2006)

Bernard Lafferty: Good evening, Miss Duke. Ma'am.

Doris Duke: Who the hell are you?

Bernard Lafferty: I'm here about the job, dear. From the agency. These are my references.

Doris Duke: Get me a sherry.

Bernard Lafferty: Yes, ma'am.

Doris Duke: I assume you have credentials. Elizabeth Taylor, Peggy Lee. What? Do you have a thing for entertainers, Mr. Rafferty?

Bernard Lafferty: Lafferty. I beg your pardon, Miss Duke. It's Lafferty with an L.

Doris Duke: It says you haven't worked for six months.

Bernard Lafferty: I had a, a wee health problem.

Doris Duke: Drugs or alcohol?

Bernard Lafferty: Erm...

Doris Duke: I assume it's under control.

Bernard Lafferty: I assure you it's all in the past now.

Doris Duke: Right.

Doris Duke: Lafferty, your outfit. Well you look like a God damn undertaker. I mean, do you think you can lighten up a little bit.

Bernard Lafferty: Of course. I could do that.

Doris Duke: [singing] I don't need a million dollars to make my dreams come true, / Baby, all I need is you. / I don't need a fortune teller to tell my troubles to,

Doris Duke, Bernard Lafferty: [singing] Baby, all I need is you.

Doris Duke: What do you want from me? From me.

Bernard Lafferty: Miss Duke?

Doris Duke: What do you want? I mean, you don't fuck me, do you?

Bernard Lafferty: No, I don't.

Doris Duke: You don't steal from me. Do you steal from me?

Bernard Lafferty: No, I don't.

Doris Duke: Well then what do you want from me?

Bernard Lafferty: I just want to take care of you.

Doris Duke: How do you like living in my world so far, Bernard?

Bernard Lafferty: I like it very much.

Doris Duke: Who wouldn't?

Doris Duke: [singing] I'm right at the gates of heaven and I can pass right through.

Doris Duke, Bernard Lafferty: [singing] Baby, all I need is you.

Bernard Lafferty: Brava!

Patrolman: Who's your friend?

Doris Duke: Oh, that's the Sultan of Brunei.

Patrolman: Welcome to New Jersey.

Bernard Lafferty: Thanks.

Waldo Taft: I'm writing you a check for $200,000.

Bernard Lafferty: $200,000?

Waldo Taft: Mm-hm. That's right. On condition you go away and stay away.

Bernard Lafferty: I don't understand.

Waldo Taft: Miss Duke hired you to be her butler, not her drinking buddy.

Bernard Lafferty: Did... did she ask you to pay me off? Because Miss Duke would not be very happy if I walked out on her. Loyalty is very important to her.

Waldo Taft: I agree, loyalty is a valuable commodity. Let's make it $500,000.

Bernard Lafferty: Do you think that's enough?

Waldo Taft: Give you a little breathing space.

Bernard Lafferty: [rejecting the check] I am not that easy. Good evening, sir.

Bernard Lafferty: Welcome home, Miss Duke.

Doris Duke: Thank you, Lafferty. I am so glad to be back. Oh, my goodness, look at you. Look at your hair.

Doris Duke: Look, your present. Voila. For you.

Bernard Lafferty: What?

Doris Duke: Here.

Bernard Lafferty: That's for me?

Doris Duke: That's for you. Try it on.

Bernard Lafferty: No, it isn't.

Doris Duke: Come on. Don't be simple. Put your arm in.

Bernard Lafferty: It's a caftan, isn't it?

Doris Duke: Yes, it is. An antique caftan. Oh, it's perfect. How brilliant am I? That's gorgeous. Perfect.

Bernard Lafferty: Oh, thank you. It's just beautiful. It's hand embroided isn't it?

Doris Duke: It certainly is.

Bernard Lafferty: I can't believe it. It's the most beautiful present I ever had.

Doris Duke: Uh-huh.

Bernard Lafferty: It is. I feel like, I feel like Lawrence of Arabia.

[last lines]

Bernard Lafferty: Good afternoon, gentleman. Let's get on with it, shall we?

Doris Duke: I sometimes wear bed socks when I sleep. I've done so since I was a little girl, and if I should be wearing my bed socks when I fall of the twig, I would like you to please remove them from my feet before the coroner gets there. I don't want to look like a complete idiot.

Bernard Lafferty: Yes, sure.

Doris Duke: And no fancy speeches. No press. And I would like you to dress me in something casual. Life is a journey, after all, and I refuse to go into that box wearing an evening gown or something equally stupid.

Bernard Lafferty: Yes, sure.

Doris Duke: Make it a natural fiber, not man-made. Silk might be a good idea. I want to demonstrate my solidarity with nature.

Bernard Lafferty: Of course.

Doris Duke: I could come back as a tree, or a bird or a bug, or... who knows? Will you do that for me, Lafferty?

Bernard Lafferty: Yes.

Doris Duke: Promise?

Bernard Lafferty: I promise.

Doris Duke: I must have lost my mind to believe a fucker like you.