Bernard Quotes in Spider-Man 3 (2007)


Bernard Quotes:

  • Harry Osborn: Hey Bernard? Do I have any girlfriends?

    Bernard: Not that I know of, sir.

  • [first lines]

    Mrs. Deirdre Bowman: I love you. Thank you so much. Fabulous!

    [a glass of white wine is poured]

    Mrs. Deirdre Bowman: Thank you, Geoffrey.

    Geoffrey: You're welcome.

    Mrs. Deirdre Bowman: We'll also take a bottle of red, as well. Thank you.

    Geoffrey: Certainly.

    Mrs. Deirdre Bowman: Right. Now... Oh!

    Mr. Paul Bowman: [handed a glass of wine] Thank you, Bernard.

    Bernard: You're welcome.

    Cathy Bowman: [takes sandwich from serving tray] Thank you.

    Mrs. Deirdre Bowman: Wonderful. Beautiful day.

    [to Cathy]

    Mrs. Deirdre Bowman: Sweetie, where are you going?

    Cathy Bowman: Eating my sandwich.

  • [museum worker Bernard discovers Roxanne talking to Metro Man statue]

    Bernard: Hey! We're closing soon.

    Roxanne Ritchi: Oh! You scared me. Barry, right?

    Bernard: Bernard.

    Roxanne Ritchi: Bernard! I was just, well, I was talking to... myself. You probably think I'm a little bit nuts.

    Bernard: I'm not allowed to insult guests directly.

  • Bernard: [accidentally runs into Megamind with his cart; looks up] That's a pretty tasteless costume!

    Megamind: Costume?

    Bernard: Megamind's head is NOT that grossly exaggerated.

    [Megamind scans Bernard with his gun and sets it to the 'dehydrate' mode; Bernard sighs]

    Bernard: Oh, and you even made a cheap replica of his dehydration gun. How long - -

    [Megamind dehydrates him]

  • [Minion discovers Bernard in the washing machine]

    Minion: [calling] Sir, you really need to clean out your pockets more often!

    Bernard: This has been the worst day of my entire life!

    Minion: Ahahaha, no worries!

    [hits Bernard with the forget-me stick]

  • Bernard: Howdy! My name is Bernard Posner.

    Cindy: Oh, really?

    Bernard: Really.

    Cindy: Is that supposed to mean something?

    Bernard: Around these parts, you hear the name Posner quite a bit.

    Cindy: That's very interesting. You know, you hear my name quite a bit, and not just around here either.

    Bernard: No foolin'? What's your name?

    Cindy: Up.

    Bernard: Up? Huh-huh, that's an odd name. What's your last name?

    Cindy: Yours. Up yours!

  • Bernard: Hey hold a minute! Hold a minute! Come on, you guys! There's no need for all this violence! I mean, it's a simple problem, really! Harry, look, I know you worked hard to own your own store, and you feel you should have a right to serve whoever you want to. Right?

    Harry: Right.

    Bernard: OK! Well if little Miss Up Yours here feels that - if she wants you to serve her nonwhite friends, well you damned well better serve her nonwhite friends. That doesn't sound like an *insurmountable* problem. Hey hey Dinosaur, bring me some of that flour over there. The simple solution is simply to make Miss Up Yours' nonwhite friends: white!

    [pours flour on the head of one the Indian girls]

  • Bernard: Tell me, Dinosaur: Why is it when a guy hates his old man as much as I do, he'll still keep tryin' to do that one thing he'll be proud of?

  • Bernard: I'll be *damned*! That Injun is shootin' back!

  • Bernard: Yoo-hoo Wayman.

    Wayman: Hey Bernard.

    Shame: Excuse me, who's this?

    Wayman: This is Bernard and what's wrong with you?

    Shame: "The Bernard"?

    Bernard: Yes it's me.

    Shame: Homewrecker. He's with me.

    Wayman: Shame. I can't believe you just.

    Shame: You are my stuff and you know it girl.

    Bernard: Stuff?

    Wayman: Bernard he's lying. Don't believe him.

    Shame: Oh you did not say that last night when we was in bed together girl.

    Bernard: You slept with him? You slut!

    Shame: Save your tears honey you never had a chance. Coffee's good with cream, but better when it's black.

    Bernard: Don't you ever call me again. And for you Mr. Coffee, if you like a little steamed milk with your double expresso, I'm your man.

    Wayman: Bernard I'm sorry. I'll call you.

    Bernard: Shame why did you do that?

    Shame: If you help me find this girl, I'll call and tell him it was a joke.

  • Bernard: Calm down.

    Wayman: [on the floor convulsing] : Oh, no.

    Bernard: Calm down! It's not blood, just wine.


    Bernard: And the nominees for best actress in a groovy nightclub drama... Miss Wayman Harrington!

  • Bernard: [after Shame lies about him and Wayman] He's lying! Don't believe him, Bernard. Don't believe him.

    Shame: Oh, you didn't say that last night when we was in bed together, girl!

    Bernard: You *slept* with him? You *slut*!

    [slaps Wayman senseless]

    Wayman: Bernard?

    Shame: Save your tears, honey, you never had a chance! Coffee's good with cream but better when it's black!

    Bernard: Don't you ever, *ever* call me again. And you "Mr. Coffee", if you like some steamed milk with your double espresso, I'm your man!

    Wayman: Bernard, I'm sorry! I promise I'll call you.

    Bernard: [simultaneously] Don't sorry me, Wayman!

  • [inside the cave, gurgling sounds are heard from a large hole]

    Bernard: What-wh-wh-what was that?

    Penny: That's where the water comes in. Oooh, I'm afraid to go over there.

    Bernard: Well, if I were a pirate, that's just where I'd hide the Devil's Eye. Eh, I'll go over and- check it out.

    [as Bernard approaches the hole, a loud gurgling sound emanates from it; he starts to back away]

    Bernard: Come-

    [clears throat]

    Bernard: come to think of it, If I was a pirate, I wouldn't, I wouldn't hide anything back there.

  • [Orville has skidded face-first on the runway]

    Bernard: Are... Are- are you hurt, sir?

    Orville: Nope. One of my better landings, bud.

  • Miss Bianca: [watching Orville fly] Doesn't he fly beautifully? And you wanted to take the train, you fraidy cat.

    Bernard: Fraidy cat? No, uh... it's just that I like trains. I mean, they serve Roquefort, and...

    [Orville flies in too low]

    Bernard: [gasp] Pull up, pull up!

  • [passing through the zoo, Bernard is scared by a lion's roar]

    Miss Bianca: What did you do to make him so mad?

    Bernard: Nothing, he's just a... just a grumpy old lion.

    Miss Bianca: Well, after all, waking him up in the middle of the night. Wouldn't you be grumpy too?

  • Miss Bianca: Captain, you fly beautifully. It's just like being on a "roller scoater".

    Bernard: He just went through a red light.

    Miss Bianca: I do that all the time, darling. Now come on, stop worrying.

  • Bernard: [about the seat belts] Miss Bianca, make sure it's fastened good and tight.

    Miss Bianca: I can't. It'll wrinkle my dress.

  • Miss Bianca: Oh, look! The little girl's treasures!

    Bernard: Boy, the things kids collect.

  • Bernard: [Climbing the steps to board Orville] ... eleven, twelve... Oh no. There... there are thirteen steps on this ramp.

    Bianca: [chuckles] Why don't you jump the last one?

  • Orville: Say, bud, read the checklist to me.

    Bernard: Uh, oh, yeah. "Goggles down."

    Orville: [Adjusting goggles] Check.

    Bernard: "Wing flaps down."

    Orville: [Adjusting wings] Check.

    Bernard: "Tail feathers."

    Orville: [shaking tail] Double check.

    Bernard: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again."

    [looks apprehensive]

    Orville: And here we go!

  • Bernard: It's - It's no use, Bianca. Maybe Rufus the cat was right. Wh-what can two little mice do?

    Mice: [singing in the background as a flashback] R-E-S... Rescue Aid Society, heads held high, touch the sky, you mean everything to me...

    Miss Bianca: But, Bernard, the Society's counting on us. We can't quit now. Oh, and that little girl. We just have to rescue her.

    Mice: [singing continues] R-E-S-C-U-E Rescue Aid Society, heads held high, touch the sky, you mean everything to me...

  • [after escaping Medusa and Snoops]

    Bernard: Are you- Are you all right, dear?

    Miss Bianca: Why, she- she tried to kill us. That, that, that terrible woman! Oh, if I was only a ten-foot mouse, I'd show her.

  • [repeated line]

    Bernard: Sure wish we'd taken the train!

  • Bernard: [Bernard sees their flight should have left already] Flight leaves... 6:45. Oh, no. We missed the flight. Miss Bianca, if you hadn't...

    Miss Bianca: Oh, come on. You worry too much. You know that flights are always late.

    Orville: [Through radio communication] Albatross flight 13 to tower. Albatross 13

    Miss Bianca: Now, what did I tell you? We're lucky, Mr. Bernard.

    Bernard: Luck? Flight 13? Maybe we'd better take the train.

    Orville: [Through radio] Wake up! Dab-drat it, somebody answer down there! Get off the dime! Hello? Hello? Is anybody down there?

    Bernard: [answering] Uh, he-hello?

    Orville: [Through radio] Where the tuck have you been? Oh, you lazy knucklehead.

    Bernard: Well, we just got here, sir. You see, my co-agent insisted on packing her, uh...

    Orville: Look, bud. Am I clear to land? Traffic up here is thicker than- Wow! Dab-blast, you dirty road-hog! You crazy- Look. What is- You stupid lug-headed...

    Miss Bianca: Uh, oh, what did he say, Mr. Bernard?

    Bernard: I wouldn't dare repeat it.

    Miss Bianca: Well, then give him the permission to land.

    Bernard: Uh, Captain? You, uh, you have our permission to land.

    Orville: Well, it's about time, bud!

  • Penny: [working out a plan to trap the crocodiles, Nero and Brutus] See there? The elevator.

    Miss Bianca: Oh, it's a perfect cage, Penny.

    Bernard: Great idea. Now, uh, what - what can we use for bait?

    Penny: Oh, they'll eat anything.

  • Penny: We - Hi. Where'd you come from?

    Bernard: We found the bottle with-with your message, and we've come to rescue you.

    Penny: Did you hear that, Teddy? Our bottle worked!

    [looks confused]

    Penny: Didn't you bring somebody big with you? Like the police?

    Bernard: Uh, no. There's just, uh - the two of us.

    Miss Bianca: But if the three of us work together and we have a little faith...

    Penny: That's what Rufus said: "Faith makes things turn out right."

  • Bernard: [reading a pamphlet] Listen to this - it says here, 'Devil's Bayou is uncharted and hazardous. Each day's operations... '

    Miss Bianca: [sleepy] Mmm, interesting.

    Bernard: '... must be-'

    Miss Bianca: Good night, dear.

    [falls asleep on his shoulder]

    Bernard: '... planned with care and... '

    [he puts his arm around her]

    Bernard: Good night, Bianca.

  • Miss Bianca: Well, why don't we take the shortcut through the zoo?

    Bernard: I don't know... I mean it... could be risky.

    Miss Bianca: Oh, come on. Remember our pledge? "Through storm and rain and dark of night - "

    Bernard: [takes off his hat; water pools in it] "Never fail to do what's right." All right...

    [flings the cap back on his head]

    Bernard: Duty calls.

  • Rufus: Mice!

    BernardMiss Bianca: Cat!

    Rufus: Now, look here, you two. If anyone found out that mice have moved in, I'd get kicked out, lose my job.

    Miss Bianca: Oh, don't worry, Mr. Cat, we- we won't be here long.

    Rufus: [while stretching his legs] Wh- I- I'm too old to be chasing mice.

  • Penny: [trying to start the swampmobile] Oh, please start.

    Bernard: Advance the spark!

    [the horn blares in his face]

    Bernard: Not the horn, the spark lever. Digger, hold this.

    [hands him cable]

    Bernard: It's that doohickey on the steering wheel.

    [Bianca pulls lever, Digger gets a big shock]

  • Penny: [doing an impression of Medusa] Brutus! Nero! Did you let that little brat escape again? You're too soft.

    [swinging a broom]

    Penny: Wap! Wap!

    Bernard: [chuckles] Hey, Penny, that's not bad.

    Miss Bianca: [laughs] That's exactly like Medusa.

    Penny: [walks like Medusa and imitates her again] Track her down, boys. Bring her back.

  • Bernard: [planning an escape] Wait a minute. She-she might catch us in her swampmobile.

    Penny: We'll swipe it! I've always wanted to drive it.

    [imitates engine and driving around]

  • Bernard: [as he, Bianca, Penny, and the swamp denizens escape successfully from the riverboat via the swampmobile] We did it, Bianca!

    Miss Bianca: Hooray! Oh, Bernard, Bernard, you're wonderful!

    [chuckles as she and Bernard embrace; the others cheer happily as the swampmobile drives away into the distance]

    Madame Medusa: [lamenting, as she is left clinging to one of the riverboat's smokestacks] There... goes... my diamond!

  • Bernard: [planning to trap the alligators] Now, uh, what can we use for bait?

    Penny: Oh, they'll eat anything.

    Bernard: Yeah, I know.

  • Bernard: [Climbing the steps to board Orville] ... eleven, twelve... Oh no. There... there are thirteen steps on this ramp.

    Miss Bianca: [chuckles] Why don't you jump the last one?

  • Bernard: We gotta find her, and help her.

    Rufus: Yeah, but two little mice! Wha - what can you do?

  • Jake: So, um, which way are taking, uh, Suicide Trail through Nightmare Canyon, or the shortcut at Satan's Ridge?

    Bernard: Su-Suicide Trail?

    Jake: Good choice. More snakes, but less quicksand. Then once you cross Bloodworm Creek, you're scot free, that is until, um... Dead Dingo Pass.

    Bernard: [sees that the map has nothing but landscapings] Wa-wa-wait a minute, I don't-I don't see any-any of that-that stuff on the map.

  • McLeach: It's all over, boy. Your bird's dead. Someone shot her. Shot her, right out of the sky. Bang!

    Cody: No!

    McLeach: What do you mean no? You calling me a liar? I heard it on the radio this morning, and she could have been mine if it wasn't for you. Now you better get out of here before I change my mind. G'on, git!

    Bernard: Why is he letting him go?

    Jake: It's gotta be a trick.

    McLeach: Too bad about those eggs, eh, Joanna? They won't survive without their mother. Oh, well. Survival of the fittest, I guess.

    [Cody runs off]

    McLeach: Bingo.

  • Bernard: [to a razorback] Now, look! I've got a long way to go. You're, you're gonna take me there, and you're not gonna give me any trouble about it, right?

    [razorback shakes head]

    Bernard: Good! Now git!

  • Miss Bianca: Oh, Bernard. You are magnificent. You are absolutely hero of the day.

    Bernard: Miss Bianca, before anything else happens... will you marry me?

    Miss Bianca: Oh, Bernard! Of course I will!

    Jake: Well done, mate.

  • Wilbur: Wait a minute. What the heck are you doing up here?

    Bernard: The kidnapper took the boy and Jake... and Miss Bianca.

    Wilbur: Miss Bianca? Miss Bianca's in trouble? Oh, no! That's terrible! We gotta do something. I'm very disappointed in you, Bernard. Hiding under a nest while Bianca's in danger. Let me tell you something, buddy!

    Bernard: Wilbur...

    Wilbur: You-you-you start searchin' the desert for, and I-I-I'll scan the coastline. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

    Bernard: Wilbur...

    Wilbur: I'll ask the chicks on the beach to...

    Bernard: Wilbur!

    Wilbur: Huh? What?

    Bernard: Listen. There are some chicks here that need your help.

    Wilbur: Really?

    [Bernard sits on Marahute's eggs]

    Wilbur: Oh, no! Wait a minute. I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong. Don't even- No! Don't look at me like that. You're getting no from me! No! I will not ever sit on those eggs!

    [Cut to Wilbur sitting on eggs]

    Wilbur: Aw, nuts. I gotta learn to be more assertive. No is no is no. Hey - quit movin' in there.

  • Bernard: Miss Bianca, from now on, can't we just take the train?

  • Bernard: [Thinking of his marriage proposal] Bianca, there's something I need to talk to you about...

    Miss Bianca: [Unaware of Bernard's plan to propose, she speaks about the upcoming mission] It's all right, Bernard. I already know what you are going to say. Francois told me all about it.

    Bernard: Francois? But how did he know?

    Miss Bianca: It doesn't matter. I think it's a wonderful idea.

    Bernard: You do? You mean, you really want to?

    Miss Bianca: I don't think it's a matter of wanting, but a matter of duty.

    Bernard: Du-duty? Well, I never thought of it... Well, okay, how does... next April sound?

    Miss Bianca: Heavens, no! We must act immediately, tonight!

    Bernard: To-tonight? But Bianca, this is so sudden, I mean... don't you at least need... a gown or something?

    Miss Bianca: No, just a couple of khaki shorts and some hiking boots.

  • Wilbur: [over radio] Mugwomp Tower! Mugwomp Tower! This is Albatross 1-3 requesting permision to land. Over!

    Jake: Albatross? Let's see.

    [he looks at a chart of various birds]

    Jake: Finch, wren, scrub bird, lorikeet, freckled duck, galah, kookaburra, parrot, cockatoo, albatro...

    [reacts at its size]

    Jake: Alb-Albatross? It-It's a jumbo!

    [turns to microphone]

    Jake: Negative, 1-3! You'll have to turn back! Our runway isn't long enough for a bird your size!

    Wilbur: Not long enough? Look, pal! I can land this thing on a dime!

    Bernard: Uh, Wilbur, if the runway isn't long enough...

    Wilbur: Listen! You can't let these radar jockeys push you around! Just leave it to me, all right?

    Jake: I say it again, mate, our runway is too short!

    Wilbur: And I say it again, "mate", I'm comin' in!

    Jake: Crazy Yank.

  • Bernard: [leaps out of the stump where he is hiding from Joanna to attack her upon seeing that McLeach is trying to shoot Cody's rope] Oh, my gosh! I hope I know what I'm doing...

  • Bernard: Otho, I didn't realize you were into the supernatural.

    Otho: Well, of course! You remember, after my stint with the Living Theatre. I was one of New York City's leading paranormal researchers, until the bottom dropped out in '72.

    Beryl: [cynically] Paranormal - is that what they're calling your kind these days?

    Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset, because somebody dropped a house on her sister.

    [Delia laughs]

  • Delia: [as Bernard, Grace, and Beryl leaves not convinced of the ghost] This was not a hallucination. This was real. We all just experienced a super-powerful, paranormal experience, and it was real.

    Bernard: Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture.

    [Bernard slams the door as he leaves]

    Charles: Drive carefully!

    Delia: [aghast] I'm dead.

  • Tom: Splendid, I thought. What did you think?

    Bernard: I, thought, splendid! What did you think?

    Tom: Splendid, I thought.

  • Bernard: How's it going, Lyds?

    Lydia: Bloody awful.

    Bernard: Oh dear, what's the problem?

    Lydia: I was promised sex. Everybody said it. You'll be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex, you'll be fighting 'em off. But not so much as a tongue in sight.

    Bernard: Well, I mean, if you fancy anything, I could always...

    Lydia: Oh, don't be ridiculous, Bernard. I'm not that desperate.

  • Father Gerald: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, & the Holy Spirit, Amen. Let us pray. Father, you have made the bond of marriage a mystery. A symbol of Christ's love for his children. Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia through your son Jesus Christ our Lord who lives and wraiths with you and the Holy Ghoat. Eh *Ghost.* One God, forever and ever, Amen.

    Matthew: This is his first time. He's a friend of the family.

    Charles: Ahhh, Excellent!

    Father Gerald: Bernard and Lydia, I shall now ask if you freely undertake the obligations of marriage. Bernard, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

    Bernard: I do solemnly declare that I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment...

    Father Gerald: ...why I, Lydia...

    Bernard: ...why I, Bernard...

    Father Gerald: Whoop, sorry! Why I, Bernard Godfrey St. John Delainey...

    Bernard: Why I, Bernard Geoffrey Sinjin Delainey...

    Father Gerald: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia John Herbert.

    Bernard: May not be joined in matrimony to Lydia Jane Herbert.

    Father Gerald: Lydia, repeat after me. I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...

    Lydia: I do solemnly declare that I know not of any lawfully impediment why I, Lydia Jane Herbert...

    Father Gerald: May not be Johned in matrimony...

    Lydia: May not be *joined* in matrimony...

    Father Gerald: to Bernard Geoffrey Siddle... Siddle Delainey.

    Lydia: to Bernard Geoffrey *Sinjin* Delainey.

    Father Gerald: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard... Delainey...

    Bernard: I call upon those persons here present to witness... that I, Bernard Delainey...

    Father Gerald: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my awful wedded wife.

    Bernard: take thee Lydia Jane Herbert... to be my *lawful* wedded wife.

    Father Gerald: *That's right*... *That's right*. May Almighty God bless you all in the name of the Father, the Son, & the Holy Spigot... *Spirit*.

    Congregation: Amen!

    Gareth: Bravo! Bravo!

    [Everyone cheers]

  • Bernard: The more I wank it, the less I come

  • Bernard: Oui mon cher, if there is no cheating, there is no jealousy, if there is no jealousy, there is no desire, if there is no desire there is no sex.

  • Bernard: Dear Matteo, you need to take cheating as a gift of love. It's the magic potion that wakes up who's been sleeping for too long.

  • Bernard: I'll ship the list to your house.

    Scott Calvin: What list?

    Bernard: You know, the list.

    [sings quietly]

    Bernard: He's making a list...

    Charlie: [singing loudly] Checkin' it twice!

    Elves: [chorusing] Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!

    [Bernard groans]

  • Scott Calvin: Hey, Barabbas!

    Bernard: Ber-nard!

    Scott Calvin: Bernard, can we take a direct flight back to reality, or do we have to stop and change planes in Denver?

  • Bernard: Excuse me. Are we on a coffee break?

    Kid Elf: We don't drink coffee.

    Bernard: THEN I GUESS THE BREAK IS OVER! Back to work. Thanks.

  • Bernard: What's all this boo-hooin' going on here?

    [to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him]

    Bernard: Hey, how are you doing?

    Scott: Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie.

    Bernard: What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?

    Charlie: Yeah.

    Bernard: Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad. He can come back to visit you anytime, day or night.

    Charlie: [his face lights up] Really?

    Bernard: Hey, have I ever steered you wrong?

  • Scott Calvin: Why not? What if don't buy any of this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?

    [a dead silence falls upon the workshop]

    Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You don't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now would you... Santa?

  • Bernard: [looks at Neil's sweater] Nice sweater. Hey, did we make this?

    [starts checking the tag on the sweater]

  • Scott Calvin: Look, I am not Santa Claus! Ahhh!

    Bernard: Did you or did you not read the card?

    Scott Calvin: Yeah, I read the card.

    Bernard: Then you're the new Santa. And putting on their hat and jacket, you accepted the contract.

    Scott Calvin: What contract?

    Bernard: The card in the Santa suit, you said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject for the Santa Clause.

    Scott Calvin: The Santa Claus? Oh, you mean the guy that fell off my roof?

    Bernard: No, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause the clause.

    Scott Calvin: What?

    Bernard: You're a businessman, right? Okay, a clause as in the last line of the contract.

    Bernard: [Scott looks confused] You got the card? Okay look.

    [Reads what the I.D. card says]

    Scott Calvin: What does that mean?

    Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.

    Scott Calvin: That ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...

    Bernard: [shouts] *Try to understand this!*

  • Bernard: Geez this bird is dry. Haven't you people ever heard about basting?

  • Naps: Can I get a size 9 please? Now, ahora.

    Bernard: Hey! Calm down, 'Fro Magnum!

  • Bernard: Don't Listen to him! He's not the real Santa! He has a rubber face and a plastic tushie!

  • Bernard: OK, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll?

    Principal Carol Newman: Chet?

    Bernard: Yeah. He's still in training.

    Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: How much flight time has he had?

    Bernard: About a minute and a half.

    Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Yeah but he's had a lotta crash time.

    Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: Curtis.

    Curtis, the Experimental Elf: He's just a baby.

  • Scott Calvin/Santa Claus: I have to get married?

    Bernard: Yes. It's the Mrs. Clause.

  • Bernard: Curtis, you're 900-years-old, grow up!

  • Curtis, the Experimental Elf: Well, I think he's learning at an excellent rate!

    Bernard: Oh really? This morning, he ate a bowl of wax fruit.

  • [talking about the new toy santa]

    Bernard: So I caution you all not to point,or stare, or use the word plastic!

  • Bernard: Are you still smoking marijuana?

    Ava: Are you seriously blaming me for being possessed?

    Bernard: I mean, it's a gateway drug, okay?

  • Bernard: Youth.

    Jerry: The trolls of tomorrow.

  • Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: There are times, Bernard, when a man works best alone. This is one of those times.

    Bernard: What did he mean by that?

    Officer Johnson: I don't know, but it's something

  • Television Presenter: [Referring to the Morons] ... Commander Madison added that they were highly-intelligent and potentially dangerous...

    Bernard: [Disgusted] *HIGHLY* INTELLIGENT?

  • Freya Neilson: [Referring to Simon] I like him.

    Bernard: I thought you would.

    Freya Neilson: I like him because he doesn't like the world. It's a good beginning.

  • Bernard: I live with one fact. A power has been released that will melt these stones. We must be ready when the time comes.

    Freya Neilson: You really believe it's going to happen, don't you?

    Bernard: Certainly! There's absolutely no question.

  • Freya Neilson: You know, someone once told me, that when a bureaucrat wants to keep his job, he stamps everything 'Top Secret.' Is that true?

    Bernard: [Coyly] It's probably true, sometimes.

    Freya Neilson: I... hate your secrets, Bernard.

    Bernard: [Suddenly very hesitant] Freya, if I were to tell you... even a little *bit* about... what you call my 'secrets,'... I might be condemning you to death. Please trust my judgement.

  • Freya Neilson: Captains and majors, hmm? Do they both belong to you?

    Bernard: Aye... and I keep a pet colonel in the kennel at home.

  • Bernard: [after Aurelia refuses to give him information] I'd like her to be Distilled. With a capital D.

  • Bernard: Ah! Such a figure! - ah! - divine - ravishing! - aaah!

  • Bernard: I don't think I like what you're inferring, Mr. Cornell...

    Dexter Cornell: [condescendingly] Implying. When I say it, that's implying. How you take it, that's inferring.

    Bernard: I see. Infer this.

    [punches Dexter]

  • Mrs. Fitzwaring: How did you know about Nick?

    Dexter Cornell: I'm psychic.

    Bernard: Good. Then you know what's going to happen to you.

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