Benjamin Quotes in Jumanji (1995)
[1869, Benjamin and Caleb are burying a chest]
Benjamin: What if someone digs it up?
Caleb: [dramatically] May God have mercy on his soul.
John Smith: [angry that Benjamin, tied to a chair, had blown their cover] You burn the picture after you get the assignment! It's the first thing you learn!
Benjamin: [sarcastically] Oh, I must have missed that day. Just like you missed the one about not marrying the enemy.
Benjamin: [while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith] Can I have a soda or a juice or...
Benjamin: [Jane hits him with the telephone] A! A! Option A! Ow, that hurt.
John Smith: Ok, that was a nice shot.
John Smith: I realise you witnessed the Mrs. and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.
[Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]
John Smith: Honey!
Jane Smith: Wrap it up.
John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.
Jane Smith: Sorry.
John Smith: Girls. Where was I?
Benjamin: Mistake on your part.
John Smith: Shut up.
Jane Smith: I told you to wait for my signal, you didn't wait for my signal.
John Smith: Well, I improvised.
Jane Smith: You deviated from the plan.
John Smith: The plan was flawed.
Jane Smith: The plan was not flawed.
John Smith: Anal.
Jane Smith: *Organized.*
John Smith: Jane, 90% of this job is instinct.
Jane Smith: Well, your instinct set off *every* alarm in the building!
John Smith: My instinct got the job done. It may not have been the Jane show...
Jane Smith: No, it was the John show: it was half-assed. Like Christmas, like our anniversary, like the time you forgot to bring my mother's birthday present.
John Smith: Your *fake* mother's birthday present.
Jane Smith: The point is, you are *always* the first to break team.
John Smith: You don't want a team, you want a servant for hire.
Jane Smith: I want someone I can count on.
John Smith: [sigh] Jane, there's no *air* around you anymore.
Jane Smith: [irritated] Oh. OK, what is that supposed to mean?
John Smith: That means there's no room for mistakes, no mistakes whatsoever. No spontaneity. Who can answer to that?
Jane Smith: Well, you don't have to. Because this isn't even a real marriage.
Benjamin: [locked up in the back of the van, in a bewildered voice] *Who are you people?*
Jane Smith: [yelling] Shut up!
Benjamin: [in a van surrounded by body guards driving in the middle of the desert] Oh, look. More desert.
Jane Smith: You were bait.
Benjamin: In a manner of speaking.
Jane Smith: *Were* bait or *are* bait?
[after the adult T-Rex has escaped into San Diego and found a pool to drink out of]
Benjamin: [to asleep parents] There's a dinosaur in our backyard.
Edward Cullen: [after learning the Volturi intend to use Renesmee as an excuse to destroy the Cullens and force Alice to join them] What makes you think they'll be satisfied with Alice? What's to stop them from going after Benjamin next? Or Zafrina, or Kate, or anyone else here. Anyone they want. Their goal isn't punishment. It's power, it's acquisition. Carlisle might not ask you to fight, but I will. For the sake of my family, but also for yours. For the way you want to live.
Jacob Black: [stands up] The packs will fight. They've never been afraid of vampires.
Tanya: [the Denali Coven stands] We will fight.
Garrett: [steps forward] This wouldn't be the first time I've fought a king's rule.
Benjamin: [Benjamin stands] We will join you.
Amun: [glances at Benjamin] No!
Benjamin: [glances back at Amun] I will do the right thing, Amun. You may do as you please.
Senna: [as Bella stands] We will stand with you.
Siobhan: [the Irish Coven stands] So will we.
[Peter and Charlotte step forward and nod in support]
Vladimir: That didn't take long.
Tabatha: So when are you going to let me read one of your stories?
Benjamin: I don't know. Um... I usually don't let people read my stuff.
Tabatha: Why not?
Benjamin: I let my mom read a few but they just made her cry. Most people just get sicked out and stop reading.
Benjamin: So, how do I avoid situations like that? I mean, the idea of somebody bastardizing my work really freaks me out.
Chevalier: I see. Have they paid you yet?
Benjamin: Yeah. They gave me a check.
Chevalier: Well, cash that check immediately. Enjoy your money. I mean, isn't that why we do what we do, dagnammit? For the money, for the riches of the earth! When the future generations will look back, do you think they will remember us for our writing? No, but for the wealth we have accumulated. Why do you think I wear this bracelet? And who knows? Perhaps these producers may create something even better than your original version.
Benjamin: Read this. It's called uh... Yeast Lords.
Benjamin: [narrating] The Nad Lab was a cold white room. Bronco, the last of the yeast lords lay spread eagle, strapped to a medical pod. Someone had stolen his yeast and he had gone totally apeshit.
Benjamin: We are journalists! We can't do this. It is unethical... and insane.
Simon: It would be a pleasure to personally catch him.
Benjamin: By ourselves. By ourselves. We don't even have any weapons.
Simon: If I gave you a gun, would you know how to use it?
Simon: Then what the fuck are you complaining about?
Duck: I told you. The moment you start drinking that Bosnian brandy, the devil's sitting in the corner, just laughing.
Benjamin: [after the waiter's warning] What the fuck was that about?
Simon: A warning.
Benjamin: Yeah? It seemed more like a threat.
Simon: Yeah, beware of the nosy waiter with Serbian pride.
Duck: Well, actually, it was the first time that I thought that maybe Simon wasn't jerking our chain.
Benjamin: Yeah? Why's that?
Duck: Because the guy in there said that he's not in Celibici, which means maybe he actually *is* in Celebici.
Benjamin: Right. Unless he's really *not* in Celibici.
Duck: Well, that's a possibility, too.
Benjamin: [after being shot at by the waiter] We're gonna die. Every single person down here knows exactly what we're doing.
Simon: Keep your panties dry, Benjamin. It had nothing to do with the Fox.
Benjamin: What the hell do you mean? It's just a little local tradition to shoot at every customer?
Duck: [Simon pulls out some money] Wait a minute. Is that my money? You mean the money I left on the table, that's mine? Simon!
Simon: Times are tight. Things happen. Sue me.
Benjamin: Wait, wait, wait. You stole the money that was left for the bill?
Simon: I needed it more.
Benjamin: Okay, you got us shot at for twenty bucks!
Simon: I didn't know he was gonna *shoot* at us.
Indian Officer: War criminals? Believe it or not, we don't even have a copy of the complete indictment list.
Duck: You don't?
Indian Officer: [hopefully] No. Do you have a copy? I could always Xerox it. Miriam, is the copier working again?
Duck: Look, word has it there's a bunch of them living right here in Foca.
Indian Officer: Could be. Unfortunately, we're here to reform the police force, not hunt for war criminals.
Duck: But it wouldn't be much hunting. I mean, most of them are listed right in the phone book.
Indian Officer: As I said, we're not authorized to arrest war criminals.
Duck: You *are* the international police, right?
Indian Officer: Yes. Under the flag of the United Nations.
Benjamin: I thought the U.N. *was* looking for war criminals.
Indian Officer: We are. Aggressively. There's a five million dollar reward, you know?
Benjamin: But you said you don't have an indictment list.
Indian Officer: We don't! Donut?
Boris: For a group of U.N. guards to go, it's too dangerous. For you guys? Sure, why not? Go to Celibici. Do the world a favor.
Benjamin: Okay, I'm sorry, are you still insinuating we're a CIA hit squad or something?
Boris: I'm sorry, are you still insinuating you're journalists?
Duck: [about Boris] He thinks we're a hit squad. He thinks we're a fucking hit squad!
Benjamin: Yeah, this can't be good. Isn't it illegal, impersonating a CIA officer?
Duck: Yeah, but we denied it.
Benjamin: Yeah, he didn't believe it.
Duck: It's true. It's like the more we fucking denied it, the more he didn't believe it.
Benjamin: Yeah, the problem is, if you were CIA you would deny it, and if you weren't, you would also deny it.
Duck: You know, when you think about it, the whole thing is fucking ridiculous.
Simon: Why? I could very well be CIA.
Duck: You can't even spell CIA.
Simon: Every fucking CIA guy I know looks exactly like *me*.
Duck: Yeah, only better-looking.
Benjamin: Well, they certainly do not look like me.
Simon: And that is the genius of it! Of course, the CIA would have someone who doesn't *look* CIA! That's exactly what they would do.
Duck: Oh shit, I'm staring at the midget.
Benjamin: Well, stop!
Benjamin: Eat that nutstrap, BIACH!
Benjamin: [around 113:00 celebrating wins in international tournament in Sudan the three are at a table drinking floats and eating french fries] We use to eat rice and beans in the village... look at what we are eating now mmm mmm mmm.
Ivan: Ketchup... it's the greatest thing ever invented !
[laughing the 3 hold up one french fry with ketchup on it in a toasting fashion and say "ketchup yeah... Cheers"]
Benjamin: Oh my God!
Mrs. Robinson: Pardon?
Benjamin: Oh no, Mrs. Robinson. Oh no.
Mrs. Robinson: What's wrong?
Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you didn't... I mean, you didn't expect...
Mrs. Robinson: What?
Benjamin: I mean, you didn't really think I'd do something like that.
Mrs. Robinson: Like what?
Benjamin: What do you think?
Mrs. Robinson: Well, I don't know.
Benjamin: For god's sake, Mrs. Robinson. Here we are. You got me into your house. You give me a drink. You... put on music. Now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won't be home for hours.
Mrs. Robinson: So?
Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me.
Mrs. Robinson: [laughs] Huh?
Benjamin: Aren't you?
Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin.
Mrs. Robinson: Isn't there something you want to tell me?
Benjamin: Tell you?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes.
Benjamin: Well, I want you to know how much I appreciate this. Really.
Mrs. Robinson: The number.
Mrs. Robinson: The room number, Benjamin. I think you ought to tell me that.
Benjamin: Oh, you're absolutely right. It's 568.
Mrs. Robinson: Thank you.
Benjamin: You're welcome. Well... I'll see you later, Mrs. Robinson.
Mr. Braddock: Ben, what are you doing?
Benjamin: Well, I would say that I'm just drifting. Here in the pool.
Mr. Braddock: Why?
Benjamin: Well, it's very comfortable just to drift here.
Mr. Braddock: Have you thought about graduate school?
Mr. Braddock: Would you mind telling me then what those four years of college were for? What was the point of all that hard work?
Benjamin: You got me.
Mr. McGuire: I just want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. McGuire: Are you listening?
Benjamin: Yes, I am.
Mr. McGuire: Plastics.
Benjamin: Exactly how do you mean?
Benjamin: [It's morning. Mr. Braddock is in the kitchen. Ben walks in] I'm going to marry Elaine Robinson.
Mr. Braddock: Well, well, well!
[He almost giggles as he crosses to Ben and takes his hand to shake it. Mrs. Braddock appears in the doorway]
Mrs. Braddock: What's happening
Mr. Braddock: Ben says he and Elaine are getting married.
Mrs. Braddock: I don't believe it.
Mr. Braddock: That what he says. Right?
Benjamin: I'm going up to Berkeley today.
Mrs. Braddock: Oh, Ben. This is so exciting.
Mr. Braddock: Come on, let's call the Robinsons. We've got something to celebrate.
Benjamin: No. I think you'll want to wait on that.
Mr. Braddock: They don't know?
Benjamin: No, they don't.
Mr. Braddock: Well, when did you decide all this?
Benjamin: About an hour ago.
Mr. Braddock: Wait a minute. You talked to Elaine this morning?
Benjamin: No. She doesn't know about it.
Mr. Braddock: She doesn't know that you're coming up to Berkeley?
Benjamin: No. Actually, she doesn't know about us getting married yet.
Mr. Braddock: When did you two talk this over?
Benjamin: We haven't.
Mr. Braddock: Ben, this whole idea sounds pretty half-baked.
Benjamin: No, it's not, Dad. It's completely baked. It's a decision I've made.
Mrs. Braddock: But what makes you think she wants to marry you?
Benjamin: [Ben picks up his suitcase, walks to the door] She doesn't. To be perfectly honest, she doesn't like me.
Room Clerk: Are you here for an affair, sir?
Room Clerk: The Singleman party, sir?
Benjamin: Ah, yes, the Singleman party.
Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, I can't do this anymore.
Mrs. Robinson: You what?
Benjamin: This is all terribly wrong.
Mrs. Robinson: Do you find me undesirable?
Benjamin: Oh no, Mrs. Robinson. I think, I think you're the most attractive of all my parents' friends. I mean that.
Benjamin: It's like I was playing some kind of game, but the rules don't make any sense to me. They're being made up by all the wrong people. I mean no one makes them up. They seem to make themselves up.
[Mrs. Robinson comes into Elaine's room, naked, and locks the door with Benjamin inside with her]
Benjamin: Oh God. Oh, let me out.
Mrs. Robinson: Don't be nervous.
Benjamin: Get away from that door.
Mrs. Robinson: I want to say something first.
Benjamin: Jesus Christ.
Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, I want you to know that I'm available to you, and if you won't sleep with me this time...
Benjamin: Oh, my Christ.
Mrs. Robinson: If you won't sleep with me this time I want you to know that you can call me up anytime you want and we'll make some kind of arrangement.
Mrs. Robinson: Do you understand what I...
Benjamin: Let me out.
Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, do you understand what I just said?
Benjamin: Yes! Yes. Let me out!
Mrs. Robinson: I find you very attractive.
Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, I am not trying to seduce you.
Benjamin: I know that, but please, Mrs. Robinson, this is difficult...
Mrs. Robinson: Would you like me to seduce you?
Mrs. Robinson: Is that what you're trying to tell me?
Benjamin: I'm going home now. I apologize for what I said. I hope you can forget it, but I'm going home right now.
Benjamin: Where did you do it?
Mrs. Robinson: In his car.
Benjamin: What kind of car was it?
Mrs. Robinson: Come on now.
Benjamin: No, I really want to know.
Mrs. Robinson: A Ford.
Benjamin: Goddamn, that's great. So old Elaine Robinson got started in a Ford.
Mrs. Braddock: What makes you think she wants to marry you?
Benjamin: Oh, she doesn't. To be perfectly honest, she doesn't like me.
Mr. Braddock: What's the matter? The guests are all downstairs, Ben, waiting to see you.
Benjamin: Look, Dad, could you explain to them that I have to be alone for a while?
Mr. Braddock: These are all our good friends, Ben. Most of them have known you since, well, practically since you were born. What is it, Ben?
Benjamin: I'm just...
Mr. Braddock: Worried?
Mr. Braddock: About what?
Benjamin: I guess about my future.
Mr. Braddock: What about it?
Benjamin: I don't know... I want it to be...
Mr. Braddock: To be what?
Benjamin: [looks at his father] ... Different.
Elaine: Good night.
Benjamin: Are we getting married tomorrow?
Benjamin: Day after tomorrow?
Elaine: I don't know. Maybe we are, and maybe we're not.
[Offering Mrs. Robinson a coat hanger]
Mrs. Robinson: What?
Benjamin: Wood or wire? They have both.
Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, if you don't mind my saying so, this conversation is getting a little strange.
Mr. McGuire: [behind Benjamin] Ben.
Benjamin: [to Joanne] Excuse me.
Benjamin: Mr. McGuire.
Mr. McGuire: Ben.
Benjamin: Mr. McGuire.
Benjamin: Look, maybe we could do something else together. Mrs. Robinson, would you like to go to a movie?
Elaine: Benjamin, I would like to know what you're doing here.
Benjamin: Here? In Berkeley?
Benjamin: Well, I have this very pleasant room on Carter Street, and I've been getting to some classes.
Elaine: But you're not enrolled.
Benjamin: No, I just sit in. They don't seem to mind. They've been very congenial about it.
Elaine: [annoyed] Benjamin, you're... I don't know what to say.
Benjamin: [nonchalantly] Maybe we can get together sometime and talk about it.
Elaine: [exasperated] Really incredible.
Mr. Robinson: Do you ummm... do you want to tell me *why* you did it
Benjamin: Mr. Robinson!
Mr. Robinson: Do you have a special grudge against me? Do you feel a particularly strong resentment? Is there something I've said that's caused this contempt, or is it just things I stand for that you despise?
Benjamin: Listen to me. What happened between Mrs. Robinson and me was nothing. It didn't mean anything. We might just as well have been shaking hands.
Mr. Robinson: Shaking hands? Well, that's not saying much for my wife, is it?
Benjamin: [after Elaine has left his room, and he realises that he's naked] Good God.
Mr. McCleery: [asks Benjamin why he is in Berkeley] I just like to know what my boys are up to.
Mr. McCleery: You aren't one of those agitators, are you?
Mr. McCleery: I hate 'em. I won't stand for it.
Mr. Robinson: [after Ben has driven Mrs. Robinson home, Mr. Robinson unexpectedly comes home early] Is that Ben's car in front?
Benjamin: [nervously] Yes, sir. I drove... I drove Mrs. Robinson home. She wanted me to drive her home so I drove her home.
Mr. Robinson: Swell. I appreciate.
Benjamin: She's upstairs. She wanted me to wait down here till you got home.
Mr. Robinson: Standing guard over the old castle, are you?
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. Robinson: All right, come on, let's have a nightcap together.
Mr. Robinson: [reaches for a bottle] Scotch?
Mr. Robinson: Ben... How old are you now?
Benjamin: Twenty. I'll be 21 next week.
Mr. Robinson: [as he fixes drinks for both of them] That's a hell of a good age to be.
Benjamin: Thank you. Thank you very much, sir.
Mr. Robinson: I, uh... I wish I was that age again. Because, Ben...
Mr. Robinson: You'll never be young again.
Benjamin: I know.
Mr. Robinson: Ben, can I say something to you?
Mr. Robinson: Uh, how long have we known each other now? How long have you and I known each other? How long have your dad and I been partners?
Benjamin: Quite a while.
Mr. Robinson: I watched you grow up, Ben.
Benjamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. Robinson: In many ways, I feel as though you were my own son.
Benjamin: Thank you.
Mr. Robinson: So I hope you won't mind my giving you a friendly piece of advice.
Benjamin: I'd like to hear it.
Mr. Robinson: Ben, I think... I think you ought to be taking it a little easier right now than you seem to be. Sow a few wild oats. Take things as they come. Have a good time with the girls and so forth.
Mrs. Robinson: [Mrs. Robinson joins them; Ben abruptly stands up] Don't get up.
Mr. Robinson: I was just telling... Ben. Ben, here, that he ought to sow a few wild oats. Have a good time while he can. You think that's sound advice?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes, I do.
Benjamin: I've got to go.
Mr. Robinson: You have yourself a few flings this summer. I bet you're quite a ladies' man, huh?
Benjamin: Oh, no.
Mr. Robinson: [taken aback] What?
Mr. Robinson: You look to me like the kind of guy who has to fight 'em off.
Mr. Robinson: [to his wife] Now, doesn't he look to you like the kind of guy who has to fight them off?
Mrs. Robinson: Yes, he does.
Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, I thought I made myself perfectly clear about this...
Benjamin: Look, I have no intention of taking your precious daughter out again in her life, so don't get upset about it!
Mrs. Robinson: I am. I'm *extremely* upset about it, Benjamin.
Elaine: [Mr. Robinson comes in with Elaine next to him] Hello.
Mr. Robinson: [playfully giving advice to Elaine about Benjamin] Well, I want you to keep your wits about you tonight. You never know what *tricks* Ben picked up back there in the east. Heh heh...
Benjamin: Elaine, would you just tell me where he proposed to you?
Benjamin: [shouting after her as she leaves the library] Oh God, it wasn't in his car, was it?
Mr. McCleery: [after the incident with Elaine screaming] I want you outta here.
Mr. McCleery: I want you outta here.
Mr. McCleery: Because I don't like you.
Benjamin: My whole life is such a waste... It's just nothing.
Benjamin: I'm sorry, I'll take you home now.
Mr. McCleery: I want you out of here.
Benjamin: What do you mean?
Mr. McCleery: Now you heard me: out of here.
Benjamin: What for?
Mr. McCleery: [line delivered with Norman Fell's classic dour expression] Because I don't like you.
Benjamin: Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a Pizza Hut box] Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.
Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?
Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.
Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache.
Garth Algar: Here, take two of these!
[Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand]
Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.
Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.
Cassandra: I love you, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: I love you, Cassandra.
Dreamwoman: I love you, Garth.
Garth Algar: I love you, dreamwoman.
Noah Vanderhoff: You know, ever since I did your show, kids are looking at me in a whole new way.
Terry: I love you, man.
Russel: And I love you. Because I've learned that Platonic love *can* exist between two grown men.
Benjamin: And I've learned something, too. I've learned that a flawless profile, a perfect body, the right clothes, and a great car can get you far in America - almost to the top - but it can't get you everything.
Wayne Campbell: Isn't it great that we're all better people?
Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: FISHED IN!
Benjamin: Hey, who wants Chinese take-out? I know a great place!
Wayne Campbell: I'll have the "cream of sum yung guy".
Benjamin: First, let me get this out of the way - I'm a big fan.
Garth Algar: You are?
Benjamin: The way I see it, your show is capable of so much more.
Garth Algar: Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.
Benjamin: Have you spoken to Wayne about the Vanderhoff spot?
Russel: Yes, briefly. He was not very receptive.
Benjamin: Oh really? Well I'll explain it to him that it's not a choice. It's in his contract
Russel: Oh. Well Wayne will understand that right away... NOT!
[Ben glares at Russ]
Russel: Excuse me!
Wayne Campbell: [after Ben orders Chinese food while speaking Cantonese] This guy is good.
Benjamin: I picked up a little Cantonese while I was in the Orient. You know, you sound a lot like you're from Kowloon Bay as opposed to Hong Kong.
Cassandra: I was born in Kowloon Bay!
Benjamin: There you have it!
Wayne Campbell: This guy is really good.
Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer?
Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his big fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for *you* or for anybody."
[in bed, flipping through tv commercials]
Elyse: It's really good seeing you, Benjamin. You haven't been into Shakey's for so long.
Benjamin: Well, I've been real busy.
Milly: Good morning my brothers. If you're looking for your outside clothes they're hanging up drying on the line. I came in before and got them. I couldn't get your inside clothes so I'll take them now.
Benjamin: Our underwear?
Milly: You're winter underwear that you're sleeping in. You might as well hand it over because you're not gonna get your clothes or food or nothing til you get all cleaned up and shaved.
Benjamin: Where's Adam? We wanna talk to Adam.
Milly: He's out plowing, he had his breakfast over a half an hour ago. I got hot muffins waiting, crisp bacon, steak, fryer potatoes, fresh ground coffee. Now do I get that winter underwear or do I have to come in there and take it off of you?
Benjamin: Don't listen to her. She wouldn't dare.
Milly: Oh wouldn't I?
Benjamin: [after Dorcas hits him with a snowball] Snowballs with rocks in them! Them poor little dears! Sobbin' buckets o' tears!
Benjamin: Come back, Dorcas, don't get hurt!
Benjamin: This isn't exactly how we planned on spending the night: in a barn!
Eddie Birdlace: Out-fucking-standing!
Benjamin: Fun? Fun was dropping acid in the 60's. Fun was streaking at my sister's prom. Fun was staging a sit-in at a titty bar on Sunset. This... this is very bad Fellini we're about to enter into.
Benjamin: [in front of TP'd house] Joey Steiner, come out with your hands up. We have your father!
Jacob Meyers: [grabs him] We're leaving!
Benjamin: We're not going anywhere!
Jacob Meyers: Toilet and eggs is a way to confront without being confrontational.
Benjamin: I thought you were the king of confrontation.
Jacob Meyers: No, I'm the kind of encouragement.
Benjamin: So then encourage my confrontation!
Jacob Meyers: Fine!
Benjamin: MRX has three rules: First: no system is save. Second: Aim for the impossible. Third: Have fun in cyberspace and meet space.
Christine Webber: [after he lits her cigarette] Thank you.
[exhales smoke, regards his disdain]
Christine Webber: Why do you stay with us, Ben?
Christine Webber: Ever the silent Doberman.
Christine Webber: You don't like me, do you?
Benjamin: My likes and dislikes are of no consequence. I'm employed by Mr. Webber. I answer to him and to him alone.
Christine Webber: [as he walks off contemptuously] Such loyalty.
Benjamin: Question: Would you sleep with a minor? Answer: yes. Let's begin our slide into the moral abyss.
Katie: Oh! Naughty naughty.
Adam: Aw, shit, I, for one, had sex before I was fourteen. I don't see what the big deal is.
Benjamin: Really. I didn't think that they had altar boys in the, uh, the Jewish faith.
Elizabeth: [hurriedly trying to deflect any animosity] Okay, Piper, your turn.
Piper: Question: Would you sleep with a person of the same sex? Answer: yes.
Christian Turner: What a great game to play with our best friends.
Adam: Yeah, fuck Taboo. Let's have an orgy, huh?
Elizabeth: Or enroll in group therapy.
Benjamin: Well, maybe you need new friends.
Piper: Well, actually? We all seem pretty well suited for each other, so far.
Elizabeth: [looks at Adam] Your turn.
Adam: All right, the question is: Would you have a threesome? The answer is yes.
Christian Turner: Two girls and one guy, right?
Piper: Does it matter?
Katie: Well, Mr. Right Wing Conservative over there looks like he might think two girls might be fun. Huh?
[Piper, his current girlfriend, looks at him worriedly]
Elizabeth: Okay, my turn. Question: Would you have sex for money? Answer: yes.
[She looks at Katie]
Katie: I like sex, okay? That does not make me a hooker. At least it doesn't make me a bitch.
Benjamin: That's my baby.
Katie: Question. Mmm. Would you sleep with your partner's best friend? Answer? A very disappointing no.
Christian Turner: Wow. There's one good person amongst us sinners.
Katie: Christian. Pardon me, but don't you have to be a lot fatter and less educated to be part of the Christian coalition?
Christian Turner: So says the prep school anarchist.
Katie: Ah. No, no no. See, I am just a shallow, materialistic party girl, and at least I don't pretend to believe in principles.
Christian Turner: [answering Katie] Well, I believe in principles.
Elizabeth: Surely, this doesn't have any...
Benjamin: Christian, stop pouting and, uh, read the last question!
Adam: I think he's scared to read the question.
[Christian shakes his head, disturbed by what he's reading]
Adam: Just read the card!
Christian Turner: This - Okay.
[shakes his head]
Christian Turner: Would you sleep with a relative? Answer: yes.
[There are various murmurs of discomposure]
Adam: That's fucking disgusting.
[It's New Year's Eve, a year after the team played the Taboo game, and they're all slightly drunk and antagonistic]
Benjamin: Ladies, please. I mean, we haven't seen each other since graduation. Could you guys try and be nice, maybe? You know, stop the whiny, insecure, competitive bullshit? Please?
Adam: Yeah, I'm the Jew, it's my job!
[They raise their champagne glasses in a toast, as the New Year approaches]
Christian Turner: Here, a toast. To the four people in the world that I most love to hate. And
[nodding to Elizabeth]
Christian Turner: to the one that I hate to love.
Elizabeth: [She grins] To relationships that last as long as we live.
[She smiles saucily at Christian]
Elizabeth: As short as that may be.
Piper: To the twelve seconds.
Benjamin: [mocking her drunkenness] "Twelve theconds." I'd like to make a toast to bread. Because without bread, there would be no toast.
Katie: [to Elizabeth, spitefully] Uh, a toast for the cure to cancer! And, uh, ending world hunger, and everything else I'll never be involved in!
Piper: [drunk but happy] To special people! And special times.
Adam: Special Olympics!
Elizabeth: Well, what do you want to talk about, then?
Adam: I like rumors. Does anyone have any?
[Benjamin has been studying a portrait on the wall and the plaque below it, when Elizabeth comes to join him]
Benjamin: She looks very happy, huh?
[He reads aloud:]
Benjamin: Virtue, Honesty, and Justice.
Elizabeth: Christian's family motto. Words to live by.
Benjamin: [starts to laugh, but stops] Yeah, yeah. Or to, um, die by.
Browse more character quotes from Jumanji (1995)