Ben Stone Quotes in Knocked Up (2007)

Ben Stone: Do you want to do it doggie style?

Alison Scott: You're not going to fuck me like a dog.

Ben Stone: It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.

Pete: Just don't ask me to lend you any money.

Ben Stone: Can I just - have some?

Ben Stone: [explaining the conception to their newborn baby] and then your Mommy said, "Just do it already!" which was very confusing to Daddy, so I took the most literal translation.

[quietly]

Ben Stone: But between you and me, it was the smartest thing I ever did, 'cause now you're here.

Ben's Dad: I love you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

Ben Stone: I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you?

Ben's Dad: Yes.

Ben Stone: Now I'm starting to feel a little sorry for YOU...

Ben Stone: [watching Cheaper by the Dozen after taking mushrooms] This isn't funny. This guy's got twelve kids, that's not funny. That's a lot of responsibility to just be... laughing about. This is sick. This is a sick movie. I gotta turn this off. It's freaking me out.

Alison Scott: I was drunk!

Ben Stone: Was your vagina drunk?

Martin: Whatever. I'm glad I'm not a Jew.

Ben Stone: So are we...

Ben Stone: You weren't chosen for a reason.

Ben Stone: Yeah, it's a cure-all. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just smoked some weed. It still clicks, but it's cool.

Debbie: I gotta go, Sadie might have the chicken pox.

Jason: I had the chicken pox THREE times. I have no immunity to it.

Ben Stone: We don't have the heart to tell him it's herpes.

Jason: It's not herpes if it's everywhere.

Ben Stone: Fuck you, hormones!

Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.

Ben Stone: Fuck off!

Alison Scott: What?

Ben Stone: What?

Alison Scott: I'm pregnant.

Ben Stone: Pregnant... with emotion?

Alison Scott: Pregnant with a baby.

Ben Stone: Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going into labor and you are not fucking here, you know where you're at? Your at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherfucking piece of shit, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie you piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid... I hope your plane crashes, peace fucker!

Jonah: We got pinkeye.

Ben Stone: Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?

Jason: Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.

Jay: Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere.

Pete: You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?

Jonah: Totally!

Pete: That's awesome!

Jonah: Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?

Martin: No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.

Alison Scott: Why don't you go fuck your fucking bong you fuck!

Ben Stone: I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once!

Ben Stone: Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles.

Ben Stone: I'd like to be in there with Alison without you.

Debbie: OK. I understand how you feel, but this isn't up to you.

Ben Stone: Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, ok? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area, stay in your area, stay out of my room, back... the... fuck... off.

Ben Stone: I live in your phone!

Ben Stone: You know, the best thing for a hangover is weed. Do you smoke weed?

Alison Scott: Not really.

Ben Stone: You don't?

Alison Scott: No.

Ben Stone: At all?

Alison Scott: Uh-uh.

Ben Stone: Like... in the morning?

Alison Scott: No... I just... don't.

Ben Stone: It is, like, the best medicine. 'Cause it fixes everything. Jonah broke his elbow once. We just... got high and... it still clicks but, I mean, he's ok.

Alison Scott: I'm sorry I told you to fuck your bong.

Ben Stone: It's okay... I didn't...

Alison Scott: [to Debbie] What do you think? He's funny, right?

Ben Stone: [to Debbie's kids] Fetch!

Debbie: [to Alison] He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs.

Alison Scott: I love your curly hair! It's great... do you use product or anything?

Ben Stone: No... I use, uh, jew it's called.

Ben Stone: What time is it?

Alison Scott: 7:30

Ben Stone: Why the fuck are we awake? Let's go back to sleep.

Alison Scott: I have to go to work.

Ben Stone: Really?

Alison Scott: Uh, do you need to... get to work or anything?

Ben Stone: No, I'm uh... no work today hahahaha.

Alison Scott: I'm actually doing my first on-air interview today.

Ben Stone: With who?

Alison Scott: Uh, Matthew Fox.

Ben Stone: Matthew Fox from Lost?

Alison Scott: Yeah.

Ben Stone: You know what's interesting about him?

Alison Scott: What?

Ben Stone: Nothing!

[Alison's friends see she's pregnant]

Ben Stone: You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.

Alison Scott: I hope your apartment's big enough for the three of us.

Ben Stone: Oh it definitely is. That's why I got one in East LA. The rent, it's HUGE. The only thing is we have to decide if we're gonna be Crips or Bloods before we get there.

Alison Scott: Well, I look good in red.

Ben Stone: I look good in blue... The fighting continues.

Ben Stone: [to Alison] I'm sorry I'm sweating on you...

Alison Scott: Okay, just stop talking.

Ben Stone: Now that's how you get pink eye.

Ben Stone: [to bartender] You're going to be embarrassed when you realize I'm Wilmer Valderama.

Ben Stone: If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich."

Pete: I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles.

Ben Stone: That's sad.

Pete: Totally sad. Their smiling faces just point out your inability to enjoy anything.

Young Doctor: How long you kids been married?

Ben Stone: We're not married.

Young Doctor: Are you single?

Ben Stone: She's not single, she's just not married.

Young Doctor: Are you two together?

Ben Stone: [laughing while Pete and Debbie are fighting several feet away] That guy said 'Don't let the door hit your vagina on the way out!'

Alison Scott: I heard him.

Pete: There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.

Ben Stone: That's way too many chairs for one room!

Ben Stone: Our baby is going to be French Canadian.

Alison Scott: And a little bit Spanish...?

Ben Stone: Yeah, I'm not very good with accents.

Pete: You mean like Mr. Skin?

Ben Stone: Who's Mr. Skin?

Pete: You know, Mr. Skin...

Pete: [high on 'shrooms] Did you know there's a guy whose sole job is to find chairs for these hotel rooms?

Ben Stone: Please take the chairs away.

Pete: Like this one! It's red with gold stripes and -

[sits]

Pete: oh, this one is amazing!

Ben Stone: Please take the chairs away. I don't like them. The big one is staring at me and that short one is being very droll.

Alison Scott: Hey...

Ben Stone: I'm naked.

Alison Scott: Yeah.

Ben Stone: [whispers] Did we have sex?

Alison Scott: Yes.

Ben Stone: Nice.

Ben Stone: [during earthquake] FUCK ME!

Ben Stone: [Ben knocks on the door at Sadie's birthday party and Sadie answers] Oh Hey! What up dawg?

Sadie: Where have you been?

Ben Stone: Around, you know... just kinda doing my thing!

Sadie: Why is everybody so mad at you?

Ben Stone: I don't know are they mad what have they been saying?

Sadie: They've been saying like Blah, blah, blah, blah blah. Ben's a prick.

Ben Stone: They said that?

Sadie: A lot!

Ben Stone: That sucks!

Sadie: [intrigued] What does it mean?

Ben Stone: [Ben hesitates] Penis... means penis

Sadie: Oh...

[giggles]

Sadie: Penis

[Sadie turns her back and Ben walks in]

Ben Stone: [while tripping on mushrooms] Isn't weird how chairs exist even when you're not sitting on them?

Ben Stone: [answering the phone] Hello?

Jason: Hey! What's up, Daddy? What are you doing?

Ben Stone: Just smoking a joint. Drinking some beers. You know? Rockin.

Pete: I'm gonna throw you in my DeLorean and gun it to 88.

Ben Stone: [Mimicks car noise] VRRROOOOM

Ben Stone: Oh yeah... It's a girl. Buy some pink shit!

[last lines]

Ben Stone: No, these guys can honk all they want, I ain't going faster than 12. It might take us around three hours to get home, though.

Ben Stone: That's because Steely Dan Gargles my balls.

Alison Scott: Why don't you go FUCK your FUCKING Bong?

Ben Stone: I will! I'll do it doggy style, too! For once!

Ben Stone: You think I'm an inventor? "He created a dick-skin condom, He hollowed out a penis and put it on", what the fuck?

Ben Stone: [to Meredith] You have a freak flag. You just don't fly it.

Ben Stone: [to Meredith] Don't dilly-dally there, pretty lady. We're all gonna be down here talking about you.

Sybil Stone: Are those mushrooms?

Meredith Morton: Yes, those are mushrooms.

Patrick Thomas: Isn't Everett allergic to mushrooms?

Meredith Morton: He is?

Ben Stone: OK, what we got going on over here? Santa's workshop. Er... OK, wha-what can I do to be of service Meredith, wha-what can I do?

Meredith Morton: Oh, well... I think I'm all set. Everett had to run some errands in town, then he and Thad are going to meet Julie's bus...

Ben Stone: Are those mushrooms?

Meredith Morton: I DIDN'T KNOW!

Ben Stone: You were shovelling snow.

Meredith Morton: I... What?

Ben Stone: You were just a little girl in a flannel night gown. And you were shovelling snow from the walk in front of our house. And I was the snow, I was the snow. And everywhere it landed and everywhere it covered. You scoop me up with a big red shovel. You scoop me up.

Ben Stone: [quoting 'Where the Wild Things Are' before he lights the tree] "And now," cried Max, "Let the wild rumpus start."

Ben Stone: So, uh, where's dad?

Sybil Stone: He ran away. Joined the circus

Everett Stone: Better circus.

Patrick Thomas: Yeah. Less clowns.

Kelly Stone: [Kelly and Ben are seated in an empty football field with a plate of suspected pot-laced brownies Kelly's eating] You want a brownie?

Ben Stone: No thanks.

Kelly Stone: They're good.

Ben Stone: [after a long pause] So... it's worse this time... isn't it?

Kelly Stone: [lightly] What do you mean?

Ben Stone: [scoffs] Mom... Dad. I mean Mom.

Kelly Stone: [sighs] It's not good. We only found out a couple of weeks ago.

Ben Stone: But she'd known longer than that.

Kelly Stone: Well, we weren't sure. And she wanted to wait, you know... until after Christmas to tell you kids.

Kelly Stone: [Ben nods and begins to weep... Kelly puts his arm around him] I know man, I know.

Ben Stone: [to Meredith] Are you comfortable?

Patrick Thomas: [the family is playing Charades and Thad is up. No one is guessing right, but Patrick finally gets it] Ooh! "Billy Don't Be a Hero"!

Thad Stone: Yes! THANK you!

Amy Stone: That's a song?

Susannah Stone: Yes, it's a song. You've heard it.

Ben Stone: Whose clue was that? It's not very... it's not good.

Meredith Morton: Ahem.

Ben Stone: [after opening Susannah's Christmas gift] Hey! Is this houndstooth?

Susannah Stone: Yep! Filene's Bargain Basement.

Ben Stone: I'd want a little black baby.

Everett Stone: You already have a little black baby.

Ben Stone: Can ya dig it!

Ben Stone: Hey! I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it!

Ben Stone: Calm down. You've been drinking Cokes all day.