Ben Quotes in Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015)

Ben: [Augie puts a bomb on the floor] What is that?

Augie: It's a bomb.

Carter: What are you, the Taliban?

Ben: [seeing Scout Leader Rogers, now a zombie, on the road] That's Scout Leader Rogers!

Carter: He looks like shit!

Augie: I set him on fire.

[everyone looks at him]

Augie: He tried to eat me!

Carter: [staring at a female zombie police officer's bare breasts] Oh, my Lord...

Ben: Carter, let's go!

Carter: [fondles her breasts and runs away] I touched them! I don't think they were real!

Carter: [Posing in the jail cell trying to take a selfie, one of the zombies grabs his shoulder] Dude, what the fuck? Haven't you had enough to eat? Jesus

Ben: Carter, stop agitating them.

Carter: What? I need a new profile pic.

Carter: [Freaking out after being attacked by zombie, his face covered in blood] Fuck!

Denise: Calm the fuck down!

Ben: Calm down? Are you crazy? We almost just got killed in there!

Denise: [Points to Ben's car] Is that your ride?

Ben: Can you please just tell us what the hell is going on?

Carter: Anyone? I really need to wash off my face right now!

Denise: [Looks back at Ben] Keys, now!

Ben: Not until you tell us what's happening.

Carter: A wet nap! Anyone got a wet nap?

[Pulls a bandana from pocket and uses that]

Denise: What the fuck do you think is happening? Everyone's eating each other.

Ben: Wait... Like a...

Denise: YES! Like that!

Ben: But that's not possible...

Carter: I think it's possible Ben. A dead stripper just tried to eat my face!

Ben: Guys, let's go. We gotta get to the party

Augie: Ben, this is a suicide mission.

Ben: Guys, they're gonna bomb this whole town in less than two hours.

Carter: What if Denise reaches the military in time?

Ben: And what if she doesn't, Carter? Then what? Who's gonna save them? The police? They're gone. The military? They're not coming, either. Guys we're the last line of defense. And so what? Maybe we look like dorks in these uniforms. And maybe we're a big joke to everyone at school. But tonight, we're gonna show them what being a real Scout's all about. So, are we just gonna stand here with our thumbs up our asses? Or are we gonna go out there and save the world?

Carter: Fuck yeah, dude!

Augie: It was a really good speech, Ben.

Ben: Thanks, Augie.

Carter: Let's do it.

Ben: All right, scouts. Let's kick some zombie ass!

[last lines]

Kendall Grant: [after Ben kissed her] Who are you?

Ben: I'm a Scout!

Gretel: Wow, this is amazing. And, uh, weird.

Hansel: It's a little creepy.

Gretel: You really keep all this stuff?

Hansel: [trying to end the conversation] All right, well...

Ben: I just have SO many questions, do you mind?

Hansel: [still trying to end the conversation] You know, we have...

Gretel: Oh no, no no no, you go ahead.

[smirks as Hansel kicks her under the table]

Ben: All right, uh, okay, uh, how do you best kill a witch?

Gretel: [innocently] Hansel?

Hansel: [pauses to glare at Gretel] Uh, cutting off their heads tends to work... and ripping out their hearts... and skinning them is also nice...

Gretel: Yeah, but burning them is the best way, 'cause it's the only way to be safe.

Ben: Burning, yeah, of course!

Hansel: [muttering into his mug] Burn 'em all...

Ben: You want some mini-pizzas? It's just... mini-bagels with pizza stuff on them. You want some cheese on them? She can put a little Fontina on it. She has Palsy and ends up putting a whole lot on...

[J and K stare at Ben]

Ben: [calling to his mother] No, thanks, we're cool!

Ben: Wait, let me put down the only effective weapon to attend to a lady in distress.

Ben: Those are great burgers, Walter.

Ben: Ooh, an American.

Sean: I didn't fly halfway around the world to see Americans. Tell her to go to Applebees.

Russian Flight Attendant: Sir, could you please turn that off? It can interfere with the plane's navigation systems.

Sean: Do you really believe that? Because people have been talking outside, you know, the flight attendant social circle of trust, and word is that nobody really believes that.

Ben: Excuse my friend. He was dropped on his head as a child.

Sean: No. If these were really that bad, the wouldn't let you bring them on the plane, flat out. If you agree with me, don't unfold your arms.

[Big Momma finds Ben and Sadie in her bed]

Big Momma: You two? In my bed? Oh, hell no!

Ben: Hattie Mae, I can explain.

Big Momma: Explain it to the fattier end of my baseball bat.

Ben: I've been waiting on this moment ever since I first laid eyes on you.

Malcolm Turner: Ben, whatever you started in that bed, trust me, you're going to finish alone!

Malcolm Turner: [as Big Mommma] Ben, if you wanna get with m-... I mean, you will never get with me understand? And even if i was interested, which I definitely am not! you'd be going about it completely the wrong way.

Ben: Well how am I supposed to go about then?

Malcolm Turner: [as Big Momma] You don't come in a woman's house and lead with ys sha boing boing!

Ben: You all right?

Mooch: [buzzed sound] Yeah!

Ben: Good! I don't like when my fly is down.

Speckles: Actually, you may call me Mr. Yanshu. Business associate of Leonard Saber.

Darwin: You tricked Saber into helping you build Clusterstorm? How could you do this to us? I thought we were friends. I put my life on the line for you.

Leonard Saber: Yanshu was in my basement this whole time?

Ben: Yeah, and he wasn't a man. He was a mole.

Speckles: "Yanshu" is the Chinese word for mole.

Ben: [after Victor Crowley throws a hatchet into his head] You gotta be fucking kidding me!

[Last lines]

Kid: [Pointing at the remaining buggy] You wanna play high card?

Ben: No. I'll arm wrestle you for it.

Kid: No. How about a Beer & Hotdog contest?

Ben: Where?

Doorman: What're you gonna do? You gonna get mad?

Kid, Ben: We're already mad

Ben: Mr Leong. I think think you're mistaken. When we were in Hong Kong we admired Miss Yen. We like listening to her sing. We were all staring at her just now, as we were wondering... wondering why she had changed so much. She's not pretty any more.

Paul: Ah Bee!

Ben: She's lost her innocence. She's not happy any more. I wonder who was responsible for that?

Y.S. Leong: You're criticizing me? Not many people would speak to me like that. Young man, you've got balls. Bring me wine!

Ben: You always called me Big Brother, I said being friends was enough. Among friends, rank is irrelevant.

Ben: [pointing a gun at Paul] You shot Frank, now I'll shoot you! But since you're my friend, I'll fire a lethal shot!

Ben: In Vietnam Fai was like a wild animal, you know why? A bullet in the head... why couldn't you shoot straight? Why make him suffer so much?

Ben: You're pointing a gun on a good friend you've known for more than a decade!

Ben: Fai, I said we would go back to Hong Kong together. If you can't go back, then neither of us is going back.

Frank: You two are my big brothers.

Paul: What does that mean? As long as we're united that's enough.

Ben: Being friends is enough! There's no division of rank between friends.

Ben: Maybe she is a cheat, but she's still a woman, and a mighty pretty one at that.

Governor Ratcliffe: [after Powhatan has released John Smith] Now's our chance! Fire!

Thomas: No!

Governor Ratcliffe: What?

Thomas: They let him go!

Ben: They don't want to fight!

Governor Ratcliffe: It's a trick, don't you see? Fire!

[no-one moves. Ratcliff grabs someone's gun]

Governor Ratcliffe: Fine! I'll settle this myself!

[he aims at Powhatan]

John Smith: [seeing Ratcliff] No!

[he pushes Powhatan away and is shot in the stomach]

Thomas: John!

[John falls. Thomas turns on Ratcliffe]

Thomas: You shot him!

Governor Ratcliffe: He-he stepped right into it! It was his own fault!

John Smith: Look, we don't have to fight them.

Thomas: John, what's gotten into you?

John Smith: I met one of them.

Ben: You what?

Thomas: A savage!

John Smith: They're not savages, they can help us. They know the land, they know how to navigate the rivers.

[Meeko pulls out an ear of corn and gives it to John]

John Smith: And look, it's food.

Lon: What is it?

John Smith: It's better than hardtack and gruel, that's for sure.

Wiggins: I like gruel.

Governor Ratcliffe: [takes the corn and throws it on the ground] They don't want to feed us, you ninnies! They want to kill us! All of us! They've got our gold, and they'll do anything to keep it!

John Smith: But there is no gold!

Ben: No gold?

Governor Ratcliffe: [sarcastically] And I suppose your little Indian friend told you this.

John Smith: Yes.

Governor Ratcliffe: Lies! Lies, all of it! Murderous thieves. There's not room for their kind of civilized society!

John Smith: But this is their land!

Governor Ratcliffe: This is my land! I make the laws here! And I say anyone who so much as look at an Indian without killing him on sight, will be tried for treason and hanged!

Governor Ratcliffe: You there, where's Captain Smith?

Lon: Well, he's gone.

Ben: [knowingly] Aye, your singing must've scared him off!

Governor Ratcliffe: Well, then go get him, for heaven's sake!

Lon: What if we run into the Indians?

Governor Ratcliffe: That's what guns are for. Now arm yourselves and get moving!

Lon: [Lon and Thomas are gazing at the new world for the first time] It's incredible!

Thomas: And it's all ours. I've never seen anything like it!

Ben: [approaching] It could look like Ratcliffe's knickers for all I care, so long as we get off the stinking boat!

Ben: [Captain John Smith has just jumped off the ship during a storm to save Thomas] Smith! Are you crazy?

Lon: This place gives me the creeps. Savages could be hiding anywhere.

Ben: Aye, well if you spot one, don't ask questions, just shoot.

Lon, Ben: [they pass Grandmother Willow who trips them with her root] Whoa!

Ben: Watch your feet, you big oaf!

Lon: It wasn't me, it was the tree.

Ben: [sarcastically] Oh, of course, the tree just felt like lifting its roots. And.

[Ben and Lon see that Grandmother Willow moved her roots down]

Ben: [afraid] Let's get out of here.

Lon, Ben: [Grandmother Willow whips them both with her vines] Ow!

Ben: Run!

[they rush away]

Lon: But what about Smith?

Ben: He's a big lad. He can take care of himself.

Governor Ratcliffe: Gentlemen, to work! You men, get the ship unloaded. You men, build the fort. The rest of you, break up the shovels. It's time to start digging.

Ben, Lon: [both] Digging?

Governor Ratcliffe: Why, of course. Let's not forget what the Spanish found when they came to the New World. Gold! Mountains of it. Why, for years they've been ravaging the New World of its most precious resources. But now it's our turn.

Lon: [singing] We shot ourselves an injun, or maybe two or three.

Ben: [kicks him] Alright, you howling nutter! Get to work!

Lon: Come on, Ben, it's just a little fun.

Ben: [sarcastically] Oh, sure, we're having loads of fun. Right, look at us. No gold, no food, while Ratcliffe sits up in his tent all day happy as a clam.

Governor Ratcliffe: [in his tent] I'm doomed! I should be wallowing in riches right now, and I haven't found as much as a speck!

[repeated line]

Ben: Holey Moley

[repeated line]

Ben: Holy Mary and Joseph

Ben: [to his sister] are you really a selkie?

Ben: When I was a boy, you had to hunt a bear with just a spear, and you took his spirit or died trying.

[On the Inuit boy's first hunting trip]

Ben: Go a boy and come back a man.

Ben: Sean, trust the bear.

Sean Barnes: Look! It wasn't my fault!

Ben: Son, in Alaska; if it happens to you, it's your fault.

Ben: Leave me alone. You're not my friend. So don't try to act like it.

Ship's Captain: He's going to the jungles of Africa, slippers won't save him.

Big Bad Joe: Captain, I've been appointed as this boy's caretaker for the remainder of this journey.

Ben: Captain, my father arranged for a guide to meet us.

Ship's Captain: A guide huh? He'll probably eat you

[laughs]

Ship's Captain: .

Bonzo: Bonzo love Ben!

Ben: And Ben love Bonzo.

Ben: Captain Newport, sir, I found oysters. They're as thick as my hands. They're the size of stones sir and there's fish everywhere they're flapping against your legs. We're gonna live like kings.

Ben: Ms. G, we can fight this y'know, like the Freedom Riders.

Marcus: Yeh yeh, we all drive around on a bus, only this time they try and bust us up we bust a few of them board member's heads.

Brandy: Or we can go to the newspapers. Media...?

Tito: Or we can paint the administration building with the word assholes, in various colours.

Doris Duke: [on the intercom] Come on, baby. Get back here. Ben, where are you? I'm missing you.

Ben: [to Bernard] Good evening, Sir.

Ben: When you have sex with a woman, be gentle and listen to her. Treat her with respect and dignity even if you don't love her.

Bo: I know.

Ben: Always tell the truth. Always take the high road.

Bo: I know.

Ben: Live each day like it could be your last. Drink it in. Be adventurous, be bold, but savour it. It goes fast.

Bo: I know.

Ben: Don't die.

Bo: I won't.

Ben: [preparing to cremate his wife] My face is mine, my hands are mine, my mouth is mine, but I'm not. I'm yours.

Ben: [stops the bus to lecture his moping children] We can't go to mommy's funeral. We have to do what we're told. Some fights, you can't win. The powerful control the lives of the powerless. That's the way the world works. It's unjust and it's unfair. But that's just too damn bad. We have to shut up and accept it.

[now turning around in his seat]

Ben: Well, fuck that!

[starts the bus back up and turns on loud bag pipe music]

Kids: [all cheering]

Ben: There's no cavalry. No one will magically appear and save you in the end.

Rellian: What kind of crazy person celebrates Noam Chomsky's birthday like it's some kind of official holiday? Why can't we celebrate Christmas like the rest of the entire world?

Ben: You would prefer to celebrate a magical fictitious elf, instead of a living humanitarian who's done so much to promote human rights and understanding?

Bo: I just want to go to college.

Ben: You speak six languages. You have high math, theoretical physics! This is what I'm talking about! What the hell are these people going to teach you?

Bo: I know nothing! I know nothing! I am a freak because of you! You made us freaks! And mom knew that! She understood! Unless it comes out of a fucking book, I don't know anything about anything!

Harper: Children don't drink wine.

Ben: In France and other countries, children drink small amounts of wine all the time. It's a digestive. It's not crack.

Nai: What's crack?

Ben: Crack is a crystallized, highly addictive derivative of the stimulant cocaine. In the mid-1980s, it accelerated the decimation of inner-city neighborhoods. Crackheads, some of them kids just like you guys, were killing each other over nothing, over their Nikes.

Nai: They killed each other for Nike? The Greek winged-goddess of victory?

Ben: [about flirtatious girls] Go talk to them. We got time.

Bo: Ask her what she thinks of the working people creating an armed revolution against the exploiting classes and their state structures?

Ben: Well, Marxists can be just as genocidal as capitalists.

Bo: Or weather or not she's a dialectical materialist and accords primacy to the class struggle?

Ben: Avoid Marxism. Or telling her you're a Trotskyite.

Bo: Trotskyist. Only a Stalinist would call a Trotskyist a Trotskyite. And I'm not a Trotskyist anymore. I'm a Maoist.

Ben: Right. I forgot, sorry.

Nai: [from the back seat] What does rape mean?

Ben: When a person, usually a man, forces another person, usually a woman, to have sexual intercourse.

Nai: Oh.

Ben: Who's hungry?

Kids: Me! Me!

Nai: What's sexual intercourse?

Ben: When a man sticks his penis in a woman's vagina... Everyone keep their eyes peeled for deer.

Nai: Why would a man stick his penis in a woman's vagina?

Ben: Because it can give them both pleasure. And because the combination of a man's sperm and a woman's egg can create a baby and continue the human race.

Nai: But that's where she pees.

Ben: Pee comes not from the vagina, but from the urethra, which is within the outer labia. But generally speaking, yes, that is where she pees... Everyone keep your eyes open for game of any kind.

Ben: It's a beautiful mistake. But a mistake.

Ben: [commandeering the eulogy from the minister] First of all, Leslie practiced Buddhism, which to her was a philosophy and not an organized religion. In fact, Leslie abhorred all organized religions. To her, they were the most dangerous fairy tales ever invented, designed to elicit blind obedience, and strike fear into the hearts of the innocent and the uninformed. To her, the only thing worse than death would have been the knowledge that her rotting flesh was to be trapped for all eternity inside a big box, and buried in the middle of a fucking golf course. Although the absurdity of being eulogized by someone that didn't even know her has exactly the kind of comedic flourish that Leslie would have cherished. If nothing else, she had a sense of humor. I want to read something to all of you, so you'll know what I mean.

[pulling out a piece of paper]

Ben: Leslie's last will and testament. And I quote, "in the event of my death, I, Leslie Abigail Cash, as a Buddhist, wish to be cremated. My funeral, such as it is, shall be a celebration of the life cycle, with music and dancing. After, it is my expressed desire that my ashes shall be taken to a nondescript location, preferably public and heavily populated. At which point my ashes, promptly and unceremoniously, are to be flushed down the nearest toilet." End quote. Now that's comedy.

Vespyr: Yes, thank you, Zaj.

Ben: Can unique be modified?

Kids: [in unison] No.

Nai: [in his froggy costume] We don't hate Nana and Grandpa, but the rest of their tribe are fascist capitalists.

Kielyr: You're just repeating whatever dad says.

Nai: [squinty-eyed] I'm writing down everything you say - in my mind.

Kielyr: Do you even know what a fascist is?

Nai: Violent nationalist militants, supported by big business, and they're totalitarian single-party dictators.

Ben: [Rellian is dangling from climbing rope] Rell? Can you flex your fingers? S-T-O-P. Stay calm, Think, Observe, and Plan.

Zaja: If you hit the rocks below you, you'll die from blunt force trauma. Or internal bleeding from massive bone fracturing. Or splenic flexure of the large intestine.

Ben: Yes, thank you, Zaj.

Ben: Mom needs to be in the hospital right now.

Vespyr: But you said hospitals are a great place to go if you're a healthy person and you want to die.

Zaja: You said Americans are under-educated and over-medicated.

Kielyr: You said the AMA are avaricious whores only too willing to spread their fat legs for big pharma.

Ben: All those things are true. But mom does not have enough of the neurotransmitter serotonin to conduct electrical signals in her brain.

Harper: I'm sorry it doesn't live up to your high standards!

Ben: I tell the truth to my kids. I don't lie to my kids.

Harper: Protecting children from certain concepts that they are too young to understand is not lying to them!

Ben: [to passers-by as he stands naked in the doorway of his bus] It's just a penis. Every man has one. We're all animals of the earth.

Nai: [waiting at the picnic table] Clothes when we eat!

Harper: Ben, you sound so ridiculous.

Ben: Is knowing how to set a broken bone or how to treat a severe burn ridiculous? Knowing how to navigate by the stars in total darkness, that's ridiculous? How to identify edible plants, how to make clothes from animal skins, how to survive in the forest with nothing but a knife? That's ridiculous to you?

Kielyr: Okay, you can think that, but we don't make fun of people. Right, Dad?

Ben: That's right. We don't make fun of people.

Vespyr: Except Christians.

Ben: [walking to picnic benches after shoplifting] Where else can we improve?

Bo: Flawed exit strategy. Everyone went out the same doors. No one utilized the loading dock area at all. If it got blocked, we'd all be trapped.

Ben: Mm-hmm.

Vespyr: Inadequately planned extraction point. We probably shouldn't have all gone directly to the bus.

Kielyr: Predetermined pickups would have been much less risky.

Ben: On the plus side, mission: Free the food accomplished.

Rellian: We want to complete the mission.

Ben: No. There is no mission.

Nai: Mission: Rescue dad and mommy.

Vespyr: Mom wanted to be cremated.

Rellian: And we want to honor her wishes.

Nai: And flush her down the toilet.

Ben: [as kids study around the campfire] Vesp? How you getting along?

Vespyr: I just finished chapter 12, "The World on a String."

Ben: [wrestless look of uncertainty]

Vespyr: What?

Ben: Are you having any trouble with Quantum Entanglement? Planck length versus Planck time?

Vespyr: I'm fine.

Ben: Good. Then tomorrow after lunch, you can give a brief presentation on M-theory. Argue counterpoints with Bo and Rell vis-a-vis Witten and Dirac.

Ben: When you have sex with a woman, be gentle and listen to her. Treat her with respect and dignity, even if you don't love her.

Bo: I know.

Ben: Always tell the truth. Always take the high road.

Bo: I know.

Ben: Live each day like it could be your last. Drink it in. Be adventurous, be bold, but savor it. It goes fast.

Bo: I know.

Ben: Don't die.

Bo: I won't.

[first lines]

Ben: [family gathers around the slain deer] Today, the boy is dead. And in his place... is a man.

Bo: [rips off a bloody bite of the offered morsel]

[last lines]

Ben: [packing lunches] Okay, eat your breakfast. The school bus will be here in 15 minutes.

[kids gathered around a normal kitchen table]

Susie: You guys, I'm really going to miss this place.

Coop: Me too.

Ben: Hey, let's all promise that in ten years from today, we'll meet again, and we'll see what kind of people we've blossomed into.

Susie: Yeah!

Ben: What time do you wanna meet?

J.J.: You mean ten years from now?

Coop: Let's meet in the morning so we can make a day of it.

Susie: Okay, so what is it? Is it like 9:00? 9:30?

Coop: Well, let's say 9:00, that way we can be here by 9:30.

McKinley: Well, no, why don't we say 9:30, and then make it your beeswax to be here by 9:30? I mean, we'll all be in our late 20s by then. I just don't see any reason why we can't be places on time.

Gary: Okay, then, it's settled. 9:30 it is. All agreed?

Together: Agreed.

McKinley: Good, because I have something at 11:00.

Gary: You just have like a trapper-keeper full of appointments, right?

McKinley: No, I just have something at 11:00, and I can't change it, because I already moved it twice.

Susie: [angry that Beth has invited Steve to take part in the talent show] Beth, I may regret saying this, but how dare you usurp my authority as producer...

Ben: Hmph!

Susie: ...director-slash-choreographer of the talent show. I need you to know I have been busting my *balls*, woman! I am telling you, the musical numbers are a mess, my kids are a bunch of amateurs, and the last thing I need today is some diabetic freak prancing around on stage making my life a living *hell*!

Susie: [after a long pause and a glare from Beth] All right; I'll put him on last.

Beth: Good.

[Beth walks away]

Susie: [to Ben] Oh, she always wins!

Susie: Hey you guys, everybody focus up, okay? All eyes here. I would like to announce that Ben and I are planning to produce a musical number from Godspell for the musical tonight.

[Ben makes a sound]

Susie: I'm sorry, Ben is producing. I am directing/choreographing.

Ben: I'm only speaking from personal experience, but if you can't carry a tune, don't come into the audition environment and waste our time. For serious, okay?

Susie: Okay, and bring a lot of movement clothes, AKA jazz shoes, dance belts, Lycras, et al. And seriously, FYI, you guys, this is not an excuse to get out of your regular activities. This is an excuse to do some good musical theatre. So be prepared, be enthusiastic, and leave your bullshit attitude and baggage at the door because we don't need it!

Anna: You have an ass that makes me wanna dry hump!

Ben: Did you just say 'Dry hump'?

Anna: Yep.

Ben: I think I just fell in love.

Ben: You may be the best friend I've ever had.

Andie: Our love fern! You let it die!

Ben: No, honey, it's just sleeping.

Andie: Unattached?

Ben: Currently.

Andie: Likewise.

Ben: Surprising.

Andie: Psycho?

Ben: Rarely. Interested?

Andie: Perhaps.

Ben: Hungry?

Andie: Starving.

Ben: Leaving?

Andie: Now?

Ben: [to himself, on his balcony, waving goodbye to Andy before she gets in her cab] You're already falling in love with me.

Andie: I'm gonna make you wish you were dead.

[blows away a kiss to Ben up on his balcony]

Andie: Poor guy.

Andie: [thrusts herself onto Ben] Does Princess Sophia want to come out and play?

Ben: Who's Princess Sophia?

[Andie points at his crotch]

Ben: Nah-nah-nah, nah! Whoa, whoa, you're kidding me, right? Princess Sophia?

Andie: Little, big, little, big? I don't know. We will find out!

Ben: Alright listen, you can't name my... my member Princess Sophia.

Andie: Yes, I can!

Ben: Listen, if you are gonna name m... my member, alright, you gotta name it something hyper masculine, okay? Something like a Spike, a Butch, a Krull the Warrior King!

Thayer: Is she on something?

Ben: God I hope so.

[Moves his finger in circles next to his head, to indicate that he thinks Andie is crazy]

Andie: Are you saying I'm some kind of mental person?

[Andie is holding a platter of veggies and flings them at the guys and the middle of the poker table, then tosses the platter onto the table]

Andie: True or False: All's fair in love and war.

Ben: True.

Andie: Great answer.

Ben: Good question!

Ben: Let's take a break because the woman is driving me crazy.

Tony: Which woman? Andie or Princess Sophia?

Ben: So that's what I was, huh? I was a guinea pig. Somebody you can test your theories on?

Andie: Yeah, and I was just a girl somebody picked out in a bar.

Ben: Yeah, you know what? Big deal. Hell, now you can even use it as a little twist in your story.

Andie: That's a good idea. Maybe we should bet on it.

Ben: You know what, you did your job now, Andie.

Andie: Yes, I did.

Ben: You wanted to lose a guy in ten days, congratulations, you did it. You just lost him.

[walks away]

Andie: No I didn't Ben, 'cause you can't lose something you never had!

Andie: [crying at restaurant after waitress asks if everything is okay] My boyfriend thinks I'm fat!

[flicks food at Ben]

Andie: And I can't eat in front of him! I can't eat in front of you! I have to go to the bathroom.

Ben: [receives dirty looks from other customers] Honey, I don't think you're fat! I don't think she's fat!

Ben: Look, look, look, wait a minute. The one night we even thought about having sex, all right, she up and decides she's going to nickname my...

Michelle Rubin: Penis?

Ben: Yeah. "Princess Sophia." You want to talk about shooting a man's horse? Whop! Come on!

Ben: Excuse me, ma'am.

Jeannie Ashcroft: Holy crap!

Ben: Where's Andie Anderson?

Jeannie Ashcroft: Uh, she's not here.

Ben: Where is she?

Michelle Rubin: She quit.

Jeannie Ashcroft: She's got an interview in Washington.

Ben: When is she leaving?

Jeannie Ashcroft: Today.

Ben: When?

Jeannie Ashcroft: Well, like, now.

Ben: You're not a therapist, are you?

Michelle Rubin: Oh, haha... no.

Ben: Good job, though. You owe me three hundred bucks.

Thayer: That it?

Tony: That's it?

Ben: [points to purse on desk] That's it.

Tony: Have you looked inside?

Ben: No.

Thayer: Do you have an ethical problem with rifling through a woman's purse?

Ben: Uhh, yeah, I guess I do.

Tony: Well, it's hardly a purse, dude, it's more like a... clutch or something.

Ben: Guys, a woman's purse, alright, it's her secret source of power. Alright? There are many dark and dangerous things in there, that we, the male species, should know nothing about.

Michelle Rubin: So, tell me, how long have you guys been seeing each other?

Andie: Seven days.

Michelle Rubin: Seven days. Interesting.

Ben: Is that too soon to be seeing a therapist?

Andie: Well, Ben, seven days isn't like a lifetime, or anything...

Ben: It's like a week.

[Andie starts crying when Ben places food in front of her]

Ben: Hey, what's wrong?

Andie: Nothing. It's beautiful.

Ben: Thank you.

Andie: You're beautiful. The game, the whole thing. It's just... I wish I ate meat. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb... You have to take it away before I gag.

[Andie dry heaves]

Ben: That's what I'm talking about. Where's the sexy, cool, fun, smart, beautiful Andie that I knew? The one that wanted to be a serious journalist? You're up, you're down, you're here, you're there, you're like a frickin' one woman circus.

Ben: You see, the key to this game is being able to read people.

[last lines]

Ben: Look who made the trip with me.

Andie: It's our love fern! Oh, Bennie-boo-boo, boo-boo.

Andie: Does Krull the Warrior King want to come out and play?

Ben: No.

Andie: Krull...

Ben: You know what, due to intense humiliation, the king has momentarily abdicated his throne, okay?

Andie: Oh. Uh-oh!

Ben: Yeah.

Andie: Well, in that case, I better get going. Take care of our love fern, honey.

Andie: I want you to respect me.

Ben: I do. And, I want your respect.

Andie: I respect you for respecting me.

Ben: I respect that.

Andie: Hey, listen, Sparky. I have a masters in journalism from Columbia, my boss loves me, and if I do it her way for a while, I can write about whatever I want.

Ben: Like, shoes?

Ben: [introducing Andie to his family] And this is Joey Jr.

Glenda: [to Jack, playing BS] Bullshit!

Ben: Now the whole family suffers from tourette's, I hope that's not a problem.

[Ben is trying to find words to be used as metaphors for diamonds]

Ben: How about 'Glitter'?

Tony: Thayer's favorite movie.

Thayer: It was underrated!

Thayer: We, you know, we got a whole bunch of work we have to do, but we're still on for poker at your house this weekend?

Ben: Oh, you count on it.

Andie: Whoo! Boys' night.

Tony: Whoo!

Ben: Hanging with her for 10 days is gonna be no problem.

Tony: Right. That's only nine days longer than you've ever spent with any other chick, huh?

Ben: "You're never wrong to do the right thing."

Jules: Who said that, you?

Ben: Yeah. But I'm pretty sure Mark Twain said it first.

Ben: I just know there's a hole in my life and I need to fill it... soon.

Jules: [distraught and ranting] I don't want to be buried alone. Paige'll be with her husband, and Matt'll be with his new family, and I will be buried with strangers. I'll be buried in the strangers singles section of the cemetery. Not that that is a reason to stay together. But it's just, you know, a scary sidebar.

Ben: Let's take that one off your plate right now. You can be buried with me and Molly. I happen to have space, okay?

Jules: Oh. Thank you so much.

Ben: I still have music in me, absolutely positive about that!

Jules: Here's my theory about this. We all grew up during the "take your daughter to work day" thing, right?

Ben: Mm-Hmm.

Jules: So we were always told we could be anything, do anything. And I think guys got, maybe not left behind, but not quite as nurtured, you know? I mean, like, we were the generation of "you go, girl."We had Oprah. And I wonder sometimes how guys fit in, you know? They still seem to be trying to figure it out. They're still dressing like little boys. They're still playing video games. Well, they've gotten great. So...

Davis: I love video games!

Lewis: Oh, boy.

Jules: How, in one generation, have men gone from guys like jack Nicholson and Harrison Ford to... take Ben, here. A dying breed. You know? Look and learn, boys. Because if you ask me, this is what cool is.

[leaning on Ben]

Fiona: [Fiona is giving him a massage at his desk and is getting rather intimate] I'm Fiona, the house masseuse. Love that there's another oldie but goodie here... How's that, Ben?

Ben: Oh, hmm, oh boy

Davis: [Hands him a newspaper to cover his lap] Here you go... You're not as old as I thought you were.

Jules: [Alluding to age difference] I'm glad you also see the humor in this.

Ben: [Smiles wryly] It would be hard not to.

Ben: Back in action. Thank god!

[last lines]

Ben: Breathe and relax for inner balance... Breathe deeply, Jules.

Ben: How do I spend rest of my days? You name it. Golf. Books. Movies. Pinochle. Tried yoga, learned to cook, bought some plants, took classes in mandarin.

[in mandarin]

Ben: Believe me I've tried everything.

[in english]

Ben: Translation... believe me, I've tried everything.

Amanda: I need to get out of town. You know, I think I need some peace and quiet... or whatever it is people go away for. You know what I really want to do? I want to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself. You know, I want to read a book! Not just a magazine, an actual book. For years I read this reviews, I buy the books but I never read them. Did you read that article in the New York Times last Sunday? Severe stress makes women age prematurely because stress causes the DNA in our cells to shrink until they can no longer replicate. So when we're stressed we look haggard. This is just women not men.

Ben: Sorry.

Amanda: And remember when they used to say that single women over the age of 35 were more likely to get killed by a terrorist than to get married? Okay, that was horrible but now our generation is also not getting married and, bonus!, real terrorists actually became part of our lives. So the stress of it all shows up on our faces making us look haggard!

Dot: Trev, what would you do in that situation?

Trevor: Oh, I'd most likely shit myself.

Ben: And I most likely would have to clean it up.

Dot: Don't worry about them. They're idiots.

Peaches: Oh, okay.

Ben: I have to clean him up when he shits himself.

Dot: God.

Peaches: What's it like being a parent?

Ben: Every corny thing you've heard about having a kid is completely and utterly true... It's the only reason we're here.

Ben: I'm getting a patty melt, I don't give a shit.

Ben: [playing pool] You know what your problem is, Hitch? You're all about the short game. You pick your shots based on what you see first, not what's necessarily best for you in the long run.

Hitch: Well, all of us are not married to the woman of our dreams and about to have a baby. Now I'm very happy for you. It's just not for everybody. So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty, totally varied, wildly experimental short game.

Ben: I was just talking about pool, but whatever.

Hitch: Yeah, okay.

Ben: Honestly, I just hope one day you're able to experience the unconditional love, trust and openness that I share with Grace every single day.

Hitch: Is this really bar room talk?

Ben: You need to listen to me, man. I'm serious. Because when you get to a place with a woman like that, it's so beyond anything physical, that when I think back to when I used to run around with you and chase all these really gorgeous but shallow women... I don't know, it's kind of ridiculous and vaguely pathetic.

[two beautiful women walk in behind Hitch and Ben ogles them]

Hitch: Yeah I see what you're saying. That's pathetic. *That's* pathetic.

Phil: [in the carrot suit] Nobody likes broccoli!

Charlie Hinton: [in the broccoli suit] Ben likes broccoli! Don't you, Ben?

Ben: Nope.

Charlie Hinton: You turned my own sprout against me? Now you're gonna die!

Ben: Remember when you broke my yo-yo?

Charlie Hinton: I did not break your yo-yo.

Ben: You did!

Charlie Hinton: I did not break your yo-yo.

Ben: Yes, you did!

Charlie Hinton: Your yo-yo was broke.

Ben: Yes, you did! Yes, you did! Admit-admit it! Ya killin me! Ya really killin me!

[last lines]

Charlie Hinton: Whoa! Hey, little man!

[looks around room]

Charlie Hinton: I'd say this wasn't a bad trade-off.

Ben: Yeah, Dad.

[first lines]

Ben: Good morning, Daddy.

Charlie Hinton: Hey, Ben, how you doing, man?

[yawn]

Charlie Hinton: Oh, God. Daddy's got to get ready for work.

Ben: Can't you stay home?

Charlie Hinton: No, I got a big day at work today. A real big day.

Lance: Hey, water boy, I can't drink that bottle of piss you gave me. Here's five bucks. Why don't you get me a Fiji, or something pH balanced? And if you're lucky, I'll let you taste my nuts. Hope's tasted my nuts before, right?

Hope: Do not get that water, Twitchy.

Lance: Are you winking at me?

Ben: No.

Lance: What, are we flirting right now? What's happening?

Hope: Hey! Don't make fun of people with deformity problems.

Ben: I'm actually not deformed. But it's not a problem. I'll go get the water, pH balanced, for men.

Ben: Pretty strict diet.

Hope: That's nothing. I once ate nothing but watermelon juice for a month. I had to reteach my jaw how to chew.

Marni: I got to admit, the first few rounds went to Joanna. She played some very good hands. Very good, but I'm glad. It made me realize that we have to take it a step up. Take it to a whole new level.

Ben: Whoa. "We"? No, she's your arch nemesis. I'm not going to be part of your evil plan to bring down Joanna.

Marni: I'll give you 20 bucks.

Ben: Done.

[Ben slams open the classroom door and interrupts the school band practicing]

Ben: Did you hear about Lucas?

Tonto: What about him?

Rena: It's suicide.

Ben: What do you mean?

Ben: He's gone out for the football team!

[Lucas quietly joins the kids in the cafeteria, sad over the distance between him and Maggie]

Ben: [Ben shouts out to Lucas] Lucas! We're over here.

Ben: Sit down. We're trying to figure out how to get rid of this jackass band teacher. I hate the idiot's guts.

Tonto: Too bad Treichel had to kill himself.

Ben: Yeah, Why'd he have to kill himself and leave us with this jackass.

Tonto: Sex-crazed, that's why.

Rena: He wasn't sex-crazed, he was in love.

Tonto: With a dental technician?

Rena: Not everybody has to be glamorous to have someone fall in love with them.

Tonto: You don't kill yourself over a dental technician.

Rena: You ever hear of Romeo and Juliet?

Tonto: Was she a dental technician?

Rena: No, but people do kill themselves when they can't have who they love.

Ben: I thought he had a heart attack.

Tonto: No heart attack, my man. He blew his brains out with a book of poetry open and a rose in the page.

Rena: I think it's kind of beautiful, the poetry, I mean. It was probably Keats or Shelley.

[Lucas sits quietly watching the football players at the other table]

Rena: Throw it to Lucas!

Maggie: Throw it to Lucas!

Ben: Throw it to Lucas!

Band Member: Throw it to Lucas!

Coach: No, don't throw it to Bly!

[Lucas and Ben run into Bruno, the bully football player while in the theater lobby]

Bruno: So, what do you guys say? You coming out for the football team or not? We're trying to find you a jersey, but we're all out of pup tents.

Ben: You should talk, shit breath.

Bruno: Luke, Luke! Get that ball away and puke! Ben and Luke! I'm going to puke!

Lucas: Let's go...

Ben: Don't let him scare you away!

Lucas: Scare me away?

Ben: Yeah, just tell him to eat shit.

[last lines]

Bruno: [Lucas returns to school and a few of the football players and Lucas's closest friends wait for him in the hallway of his locker] Here he is.

[Lucas opens his locker to find a football jacket with the name Lucas on it, as everyone begins to clap in unison]

Maggie: Try it on, Lucas!

Kid in Hallway: Try it on, Luke!

Bruno: [Lucas puts on the jacket] All right, Lucas!

Ben: [Ben films Lucas on his camera] All right, Lucas! Way to go!

Kids in Hallway: [the students all begin to cheer the name Lucas] Lucas! Lucas! Lucas! Lucas! Lucas! Lucas!

Bruno: All right!

[Lucas throws his arms up]

[Lucas and Ben stand up to Bruno in the theater lobby]

Cappie: Hey, what's going on?

Bruno: Hey, this kid is mouthing off to me.

Cappie: Come on, let's go.

Bruno: Hey, wait a second.

Cappie: Hey, what's the point?

Bruno: Hey, I'm kidding around, and this fat little marshmallow opens his mouth to me.

Cappie: Don't worry about it. Let's go see a movie.

Bruno: You better watch your mouth fat boy.

[grabs Lucas by the neck]

Bruno: Learn to be like Lucas here, he's smart, not like you.

Ben: He's scared, not like me.

Bruno: Oh, yeah?

Ben: Yeah.

Bruno: You know, you're asking for it.

Lucas: Well, so are you!

Bruno: What'd you say?

Lucas: You heard me.

Bruno: You know, maybe you boys would like to step outside.

Angie: Bruno, let's go.

Bruno: No, I think I have to settle this.

Angie: Well, I came to see a movie.

Cappie: So did I.

Lucas: [Lucas gets in Bruno's face] Yeah, but not King Kong.

Cappie: Come on, settle down.

Angie: No fights, I mean it.

Cappie: I'd listen to the lady.

[in the hotel bathroom]

Lucy Wagner: We are at a hotel with a murderer!

Mimi: He's not a murderer okay? It's just a rumor!

[they all peek out the door where Ben is playing his guitar on the bed]

Ben: Hey, Whats up?

[the girls wave and go back inside the door]

Lucy Wagner: Is this it?

Ben: No, but what if it was and I just really sucked at cheering people up?

Troy: Why do we inflict this on ourselves?

Ben: Why? I'll tell you why, 'cause the Red Sox never let you down.

Troy: Huh?

Ben: That's right. I mean - why? Because they haven't won a World Series in a century or so? So what? They're here. Every April, they're here. At 1:05 or at 7:05, there is a game. And if it gets rained out, guess what? They make it up to you. Does anyone else in your life do that? The Red Sox don't get divorced. This is a real family. This is the family that's here for you.

Reporter at Spring Training: Where do the Sox rank in terms of importance in your life?

Ben: I say the Red Sox... sex... and breathing.

Ben: Bucky Friggin' Dent!

Ben: Well, let's start the interrogation.

Molly: No, no, it's not like that.

Ian: [finishes his drink and hands his glass to Ben] Here. It's for the urine sample.

Ben: Shoot, I wish you would have told me. I just took a wizz in your bushes.

Lindsey Meeks: So you don't have a cell phone, a Blackberry, a pager, nothing?

Ben: No.

Lindsey Meeks: Well, what if some sudden crisis occurs, like your father has a heart attack or something?

Ben: My father died two years ago.

Lindsey Meeks: Oh, I'm sorry.

Ben: I just found out this morning, so it's been a rough 24 hours. You know, maybe I should get a cell phone. That's a good idea.

Ben: [laughs] You're funny, Ben...

Ben: Wrightman.

Lindsey Meeks: Wrightman, yeah.

Ben: You forgot my last name.

Lindsey Meeks: No, I just blanked.

Ben: I know why you forgot. It's all right.

Lindsey Meeks: I...

Ben: 'Cause I bet when you talk to your friends, you call me Ben the School Teacher.

Ben: What are you doing? You're gonna get arrested!

Lindsey Meeks: Don't sell your tickets, okay?

Ben: That's why you ran across the whole field?

Lindsey Meeks: Yes, to stop you.

Ben: What?

[a cop tries to intervene]

Lindsey Meeks: Just give me a second, just give me a second, please, please!

Ben: You gotta tell me, wait: the outfield. The grass, is it spongy?

Lindsey Meeks: Ben, focus!

Ben: [while helping sick Lindsay into her pajamas] I won't look - I promise.

[pause]

Ben: Okay, I looked.

Lindsey Meeks: [moans, groans] Oh, just kill me. Just take a hammer and kill me.

Ben: [rings doorbell]

Lindsey Meeks: Oh, shit. Who is it?

Ben: I-It's me, it's Ben. Your date?

Lindsey Meeks: Oh, God, no. Oh.

[unlocks, opens door]

Lindsey Meeks: I'm sick. Come back. I'll call you tomorrow.

[closes door]

Lindsey Meeks: Go away.

Ben: [holds door open] Wait, wait, wait. What kind of sick? Are you okay? Are you in pain?

Lindsey Meeks: I -

[swallows]

Lindsey Meeks: I ate at this new place. I think -

[runs to bathroom, vomits]

Ben: Are you faking it? Because we don't really have to do this if you don't...

Lindsey Meeks: [vomits] Ernie, go away. Ernie, don't eat that! Oh, shit.

Ben: So you wanna pull the plug on this thing, or - ?

Lindsey Meeks: [vomits, coughs]

Ben: You know what's really great about baseball?

Lindsey Meeks: Hmm?

Ben: You can't fake it. You know, anything else in life you don't have to be great in - business, music, art - I mean you can get lucky.

Lindsey Meeks: Really?

Ben: Yeah, you can fool everyone for awhile, you know? It's like - not - not baseball. You can either hit a curveball or you can't. That's the way it works...

Lindsey Meeks: Hmm.

Ben: You know?

Ben: You can have a lucky day, sure, but you can't have a lucky career. It's a little like math. It's orderly. Win or lose, it's fair. It all adds up. It's, like, not as confusing or as ambiguous as, uh...

Lindsey Meeks: Life?

Ben: Yeah. It's - it's safe.

Ben: I like being part of something that's bigger than me, than I. It's good for your soul to invest in something you can't control.

Lindsey Meeks: You're a romantic. You have a lyrical soul. You can love under the best and worst conditions.

Ben: What are you doing?

Kevin: Relax. I'm a doctor.

Ben: Yeah, well, not to pry, doc, but why are you shaving my balls?

Ben: That's not Yankee dancing - that's Devil Rays dancin'!

Lindsey Meeks: You don't see us tangled up in the sheets with the Eiffel Tower in the background. You see the Mariners are coming in, and Pedro's pitching Friday.

Ben: No, on Saturday. Schilling's Friday.

Lindsey Meeks: Wow, you have quite a little group here.

Ben: Well, it's my summer family.

Ben: [hands shaking as he tries to sign his seats over to Chris] That's odd.

Al: You're havin' a stroke. Good!

Ben: ...you do this thing... it's so cute I wanna kill myself.

Lindsey Meeks: Did you clean up my bathroom, or did I dream that?

Ben: Me? No. The vomit elves came in. Really adorable. Really cute little things. I mean, little caps and little barf bags.

Lindsey Meeks: Well, thank you. I mean, you really, really went above and beyond.

Ben: Oh, no, please. It wasn't a big deal. I mean, you were very lady-like. Hardly any chunkage.

Ben: [confession time] The thing is, uh, I am a Red Sox fan.

Lindsey Meeks: Yeah?

Ben: No, I'm like a big, big Red Sox fan.

Lindsey Meeks: I know. I mean, I've been to your apartment, seen the Red Sox dish towels and glasses and the Yankee toilet paper. It's like you live in a gift shop.

Ben: It's worse. See, when I was a kid, I moved here from New Jersey, and I didn't have any friends or anything. So my uncle Carl started taking me to Fenway Park. And I just, I got lost in the game. I mean, the ballpark, and the people, the colors, sounds, smells. And then he got cancer and he died, and he left me his season tickets. And it's a passion. I mean, it's a very, very big part of my life. And it's been a problem with me and women.

Lindsey Meeks: Ah. Aaah. I know those women. The 'pay attention to me' and 'why aren't you talking to me?'

Ben: Yeah, exactly.

Lindsey Meeks: God, those women are so pathetic.

Ben: Yeah. It's like, 'What are you getting so worked up for? I mean, you're not even doing it, you're watching it.'

[They laugh]

Lindsey Meeks: Yeah!

Ben: Hey, how about, sometimes I like being eleven years old.

[Ben is escorting Lindsey to her first baseball game]

Ben: It's crazy. Will you look at these seats?

Lindsey Meeks: They're, they're very red.

Ben: No, I mean, their proximity to the field! This is Fenway Park!

Lindsey Meeks: Oh.

Ben: You can't buy these seats. You have to inherit them. It's like, uh, a guy offered me a hundred thousand dollars for these once.

Lindsey Meeks: Really. And you didn't sell them?

Ben: No no no. If I ever need the money that bad, I can always call up a rich old lady and give her some sweet lovin'.

[Lindsey has bought books from the Fenway Park gift shop to learn about the Red Sox]

Lindsey Meeks: Do you believe in this? The Curse of the Bambino?

Ben: Hey, it's not funny, it's not funny.

[Ben's Fenway friends all turn to stare at her]

Lindsey Meeks: But Babe Ruth was the Bambino.

Ben: That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he played for the Red Sox; they were great. I mean, they were the Yankees.

Al: They won the World Series in 1912, 1915, 1916, 1918. They were royalty. The elite.

Ben: Al should know. He was there. Actually, he's a hundred and thirty-six years old. He looks great for his age. 1919, their miserable, greedy pig of a boss decides to sell Babe Ruth to the Yankees to finance a Broadway musical.

Teresa: 'No No Nanette'. I would never, ever see that piece of crap.

Ben: And since 1918, the Red Sox have not won a World Series. Yeah. The Yankees have won twenty-six.

[Lindsey is going through Ben's closet and seeing only Red Sox shirts]

Ben: Okay, I'm ready. Let's go meet Mom and Dad.

[She turns to see that he is wearing a shirt with ugly color designs, a black tie, khaki shorts and a jock strap over the latter]

Ben: Nothing. Not a laugh? A giggle?

Lindsey Meeks: This is not a man's closet.

Ben: What do you mean?

Lindsey Meeks: You have one pair of dress shoes. You're like a man-boy. Half man, half boy. You should see the way my sister's husband dresses. He had a professional come in and do his closet. It's like: suit, suit, suit...

Ben: All right! Okay, okay, okay. I see what this is all about. You want your parents to like me more than they like your brother-in-law.

Lindsey Meeks: No, it's not - Yes! Is it so horrible that I want my parents to like you?

Ben: [smiling] Okay. I think we have enough stuff in this closet that we can, we can fool 'em.

[after Ben and Lindsey have had a good time at Robin's birthday party and then a satisfying evening at home, Ben gets a call from Troy that the Sox defeated the Yankees]

Lindsey Meeks: Hi. Would you like an omelet?

Ben: They won.

Lindsey Meeks: The Red Sox? Oh, good! This really is your night.

Ben: No, you don't understand. They scored eight runs in the bottom of the ninth, to win 8-7. It was the best game ever. I, I can't - I never miss a game. Ever! This is like a nightmare. This is beyond - this is like a punishment from God or something.

Lindsey Meeks: [no longer smiling] Two minutes ago, you said this was the best night of your life.

Ben: Yeah; two minutes ago, it was!

Lindsey Meeks: Hey. I didn't tell you not to go.

Ben: Oh, no. No, no. Of course not! No. You had nothing to do with it. I just suddenly had a whim, after eleven years of never missing an inning, to suddenly not go to a Yankees game!

[He punches the wall, and the dog whines and hides behind the couch]

Lindsey Meeks: [getting teary-eyed] Hey. Wasn't it you yourself that said, just tonight, it's only a game?

Ben: Oh, that's great. That's great. Pile it on, yeah. Kick me when I'm down, that's great.

Lindsey Meeks: It is just a game.

Ben: Clearly it's not just a game! If it was, then obviously I wouldn't care about it this much! Twenty-three years. Do you still care about anything you cared about twenty-three years ago? How about ten? How about five? Name me a single thing that you cared about for twenty-three years.

[after Ben came to Lindsey's door and Patrick answered it]

Ben: I can't believe you're on a date! This is like...

Lindsey Meeks: I'm not.

Ben: Yeah, well, you know what? I, I'll call you. Sorry I bothered you. I'll call you.

[He turns to leave, then comes right back]

Ben: No, no, this is crazy. I'm sorry. I came here for a reason, all right? Look. I love you, Lindsey. And I think we should give this another chance.

[She looks down]

Ben: Did you hear me?

Lindsey Meeks: Ben...

Ben: Look. Look, look, look. You finish your evening, all right? I'll hang out here, and when you're done with your date, we'll get married!

Lindsey Meeks: [She smiles a bit despite herself] I don't think so.

Ben: You said you wanted more. I mean, this is as more as there is. There is no more.

Lindsey Meeks: Yes, but this isn't you. This is the other guy.

Ben: What other guy?

Lindsey Meeks: It's October. They're one game from elimination. You're becoming Winter Guy again. I already know I like Winter Guy. It's Summer Guy that broke my heart.

Ben: [sincerely] Summer Guy is gone.

Lindsey Meeks: Yes, until summer.

[Ben is about to sign away his seats and looks up to Heaven]

Ben: I'm sorry, Uncle Carl.

Al: [disgustedly] Another idiot!

[Ben looks around to see Lindsey, across the stadium, dropping from the wall onto the field]

Ryan: All right, Mr. Wrightman, I gotta bat. Let me just leave you with this thought. You love the Sox, but have they ever loved you back?

Ben: Who are you, Dr. Phil? Get outta here, go hit, go swing the bat!

Lindsey Meeks: [the Yankee Red Sox game is on] No, it's the game!

[covering Ben's ears]

Ben: No, I'm fine. It's just a game.

Lindsey Meeks: I saw you on ESPN.

Ben: Oh! We looked like morons, didn't we?

Lindsey Meeks: Uh, yah, yah, totally. And - not you so much, but...

Ben: Well, it's very hot, you know, it's Florida.

Lindsey Meeks: I'm going to Paris, and I'm taking vous!

Ben: Moi?

Lindsey Meeks: Oui!

Ben: [to his friends on megaphone] Quick break, everybody. There's some nice Pakistani cold cuts there, courtesy of Mrs. Segal.

Ben: So, why didn't you guys ever even try to get together?

Jason Fryman: It's too much familiarity. It's like she's one of my limbs.

Ben: And that's bad, because...?

Jason Fryman: Because I hate myself.

Will McKenzie: Playing the guitar badly, wearing beads, talking about 'one love' and pretending you are friends with Central American villagers - who, by the way, despise you - before heading back to your parents five-bedroomed house in Surrey, doesn't make you a spiritual person, it makes you a bell-end.

Ben: I think you're right about his song, Katie.

Will McKenzie: Oh, fuck off, Ben! You don't believe in 'song lines' any more than I do. It's just a way for you to seem interesting to girls because deep down you know you're boring and pretentious like your stupid fucking dreadlocks. Which, by the way, always look embarrassing on white people. They're not countercultural, they actually scream 'Oh, I've got a trust fund!' so get a normal haircut, you unbearable prick.

Ben: That's your problem in a nutshell: you're so limited.

Ben: Can you see anything from up there?

Marcus: I can see there ain't no dead elephant man gonna kill me!

Ben: You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Ben: Come on, this is gonna be fun.

Marcus: About as fun as crabs.

Ben: You would know.

Marcus: Screw that waitress from Fezzywigs, man.

Ben: You did.

Marcus: I didn't know she had bugs in her bush!

Ben: She was scratching herself all night! What do you mean you didn't know? You can't hook up with itchy chicks, Marcus. Everyone knows that.

Marcus: She said it was a reaction to her fabric softener. I saw it, I asked.

Ben: Fabric softener!

Marcus: Look at you Mister Bigshot. Everyone knows that. When's the last time you got laid?

Ben: ...I have sex all the time...

Marcus: -shut up.

Ben: We want to do a haunted swap tour.

Rev. Zombie: I don't do night tours anymore, I'm not allowed to. Insurance got to high after what happened.

Marcus: Too bad. Let's go.

Ben: Wait, wait, what happened?

Rev. Zombie: Oh, you *dont* want to know.

Ben: [eagerly] I so want to know.

Rev. Zombie: I had a tour group, out in the swamp, last Halloween. It was the mist of night, and there was this kid, who looked kind of like you, he was spooked by something in the marsh. He saw two eyes staring at him from the woods, it chilled him to his very marrow. He wanted to get off the boat in a hurry, and he had his foot dangling over the edge. He...

Ben: He fell in?

Marcus: A gator got him?

Rev. Zombie: He slipped, hit his head, on the roof... and sued me for negligence! That cock sucker!

Ben: [disapointed] That's it?

Shawn: The tour is leaving right now, it's forty bones each.

Ben: Forty dollars?

Marcus: Can you spot me?

Ben: What, you don't have any cash?

Marcus: No, I'm just not paying for this bullshit.

Ben: This place is disgusting! Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls! Everyone is just drunk and looking for a fight- and you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that?

Ben: This place is disgusting. Our hotel room smells like sweaty balls. Everyone's just drunk and looking for a fight- you! You threw up six times yesterday, how do you even do that? I should have stayed at home.

Buddy #1: What, so you could sit in your room and cry about Heather?

Ben: Christine.

Ben: I'm Ben.

Marybeth: [blandly] Mary Beth.

Ben: Marybeth? That's a great name, because it's, it's actually two names. Most people just have one and that's kinda boring. Like Ben. But Marybeth, that's Mary *and* it's Beth. That's a nice coat.

Marcus: [looks at him puzzled]

Ben: So do you have any pets?

Marcus: [smacks him on the back of the head]

Ben: [to Marybeth] Are you enjoying Mardi Gras?

Marcus: [making fun of the lines Ben was using on the woman sitting next to him] "That's a nice coat." You got some great lines.

Ben: [trying to make a rebuttal] What about some of your lines? That's about as classic as... That's about as classic as... I got nothing.

Marcus: Exactly!

Misty: [when they find 2 sets of I.D.s in Shapiro's wallet] So he wasn't a real producer?

Ben: I'd say no.

Misty: [finally realizing she's been had] So he just *pretended* to be a producer, to get us to flash our tits for him?

Jenna: [sarcastically] What a genius! You *do* know the vibrator goes in your *cooch* and not your ear, right?

Misty: Hey, why don't you suck your dad off again, bitch?

Jenna: [sarcastically] I will, right after you're done.

Misty: Fine!

Jenna: Fine!

Ben: You're an agent. Delivering bad news is part of your job description.

[first lines]

Ben: Vanity Fair named me as one of the 30 most powerful producers in the business. Power is an elusive term, but in Hollywood it's everything, I don't care what they say, you either have it, want it, or you're afraid of losing it. Where you stand at these things, or who you may be standing next to, may not seem like the most important thing, but it *really* matters.

Scott Solomon: Too bad about Jack, huh?

Ben: That's rare. Usually agents kill others, not themselves.

Ben: [discussion about Bruce Willis] I suppose it took him a long time to grow it, he probably just wants to wait 'til the last minute.

Cal: That's what I thought last week, but after seeing him today, I got the sense this is going to be his "look", it's an artistic-choice...

Ben: The extra weight is too? It can't be.

Cal: It's a feeling.

Ben: Cal, we got the studio to pay him $20 million to be a leading man. For that kind of money there is an expectation.

Cal: They expect a good performance...

Ben: No, no, no no, Cal. For that kind of money they expect millions of menstruating women to want to have intercourse with him. You understand what I'm saying? You want a poster that says "See Santa Run"?

Ben: [with couples therapist] Aren't we going to talk about what we're doing to each other *now*? Why don't we *talk* about what we are doing to each other now.

Kelly: What?

Ben: Why don't we talk about what we are doing to each other *now*?

Kelly: Wha, what. You didn't want to talk about *now* before...

Ben: No, *now*. You know what. *Now*.

Kelly: Yeah, but now *before* was not okay. Why is now *now* okay.

Ben: I don't have any problem with *now*, *you* have a problem with *now*.

Kelly: That is not why we're here.

Ben: That's why, uh. Doctor, is this some classic case of avoidance?

Suit: I'm betting beard...

Ben: What kind of remark is that? People's livelihood are at stake.

Suit: Make a note, a producer with a conscience.

Jeremy Brunell: [In the cutting room sanitizing his film, "Fiercely", following a big drunk] I was seven days away from getting a cake, man. All right? A cake for a year sober. Me, a cake. And you and your diabolical bloody naked treachery took that away from me.

Ben: No, that's not true...

Ben: [a short time later] Let me get you a Valium. Just for now. It's not that I don't... But we're on deadline. This is for us, these changes.

Jeremy Brunell: Can I have a couple of Vicodin instead?

Ben: Sure, easy.

Jeremy Brunell: Go get three of them, Ben.

Ben: Three? Coming up.

Ben: [On the phone] Yeah, get me, uh... my office to get three Vicodin and bring them to the cutting room right away.

Ben: Life's not that bad, I'm in France, life is good.

Ben: Once I buried two Arabs in a wall over there... Facing Mecca, of course.

Ben: If you kill a whale, you get Greenpeace and Jacques Cousteau on your back, but wipe out sardines and you get a canning subsidy!

Ben: Granny Snuff, ever been snuffed out?

Ben: *Bingo*!

Ben: Usually I start the month with a postman.

Ben: [after killing a black man] Here's our golden opportunity to see if that legend about their size is true. Rémy, pull his pants down. We'll know in a jiffy. Good Lord! He's really well hung. You can wrap it up now. It's disgusting. The kid's barely 18 and already hung like a polar bear.

Ben: Pigeon, winged cloak of gray, In the city's hellish maw One glance & you fly away Your grace holds me in awe

Ben: Did you make caca?

Ben: You can tan while you make love. When you're through you've got a brown ass.

Ben: Mom wasn't a musician! She got hers with a broom!

Ben: It's a human life. You don't think God sees?

Judah Rosenthal: God is a luxury I can't afford.

Ben: But the law, Judah. Without the law, it's all darkness.

Ben: You was down at the rapids just now, bare beam and buck naked?

Elizabeth: Well, I'm not like to take a bath with my clothes on, Mr. Rumson.

Ben: Are you trying to tell me that you was taking a *bath*?

Elizabeth: That's right. I was taking a bath.

Ben: In the middle of the night?

Elizabeth: Mr. Rumson, in a community of 400 men, would you rather I took my bath "bare beam and buck naked" in the middle of the day?

Pardner: [Horace Tabor has opposed Ben's plan to kidnap the French prostitutes] Horace is right,Ben ! We can't bring them women here. Why, you bring them here and the next thing you know, you got to build a place for them to stay, people will be coming in from all over and they'll need somewhere to stay. Schermehorn and these other merchants will have to stock up on suplies to sell. Then Willie will have to open a saloon or two with gambling and drinkin'. Why before you know it, this place will be a boom town and we don't want that!

Ben: [winking at Partner] Your right, Partner. I never thought of it that way. Why you can't expect people to put up with that! I apologize, boys; I never thought of what might happen if we bring in those five French tarts!

'Rotten Luck'Willie: [smiling] I call for a vote on Ben's proposal! Any man who votes against it is a traitor!

Katie: I want to go to Chow Funs

Ben: I thought we agreed we couldn't really talk at Chow Funs

Katie: I know

Ben: Are you saying Chow Funs because you can't face telling the kids? Because if that's why you're saying Chow Funs, don't say Chow Funs

Katie: That's not why I'm saying Chow Funs. Funs, I'm saying Chow Funs because we're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy there are cities built on top of other cities, but I don't want another city, I like this city. I know what kind of mood your in when you wake up by which eyebrow is higher, and you know I'm a little quiet in the morning and compensate accordingly, that's a dance you perfect over time. And it's hard, it's much harder than I thought it would be, but there's more good than bad and you don't just give up! And it's not for the sake of the children, but God they're great kids aren't they? And we made them, I mean think about that! It's like there were no people there, and then there were people and they grew, and an an an I won't be able to say to some stranger Josh has your hands or remember how Erin threw up at the Lincoln Memorial And I'll try to relax, let's face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits, and I know I'm no day at the beach, but I do have a good sense of direction so I can at least find the beach, which isn't a weakness of yours, it's a strength of mine. And God your a good friend and good friends are hard to find. Charlotte said that in Charlottes Web and I love how you read that to Erin and you take on the voice of Wilber the Pig with such dedication even when your bone tired. That speaks volumes about character! And ultimately, isn't that what it comes down too? What a person is made of? That girl in the pin helmet is still here 'bee boo bee boo' I didn't even know she existed until you and I'm afraid if you leave I may never see her again, even though I said at times you beat her out of me, isn't that the paradox? Haven't we hit the essential paradox? Give and take, push and pull, the yen the yang. The best of times, the worst of times!I think Dickens said it best, 'He could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean', but, doesn't really apply here does it? What I'm trying to say is, I'm saying Chow Funs because, I love you

Ben: Did you hear that kids? Mom wants to go to chow Funs!

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: You're writing a book about your grandmother?

Ben: Yeah, she was an extraordinary woman.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Oh, um, I'm sure she was. Did she fuck a president?

Ben: No.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: No. Did she discover uranium?

Ben: No.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: A cure for cancer?

Ben: No.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Nothing like that?

Ben: No.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Why, why would anybody wanna read a book about her?

Ben: 'Cause, Dave, she was four-foot-nine, she emigrated from Europe when she was a little girl, she worked in a sweatshop making buttonholes fourteen hours a day, and yet somehow managed to raise five kids and stay married to the same man for fifty-seven years. I'm telling you, Dave, this is gonna be the greatest love story ever told.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: Let me explain something to you, not as your agent, this is as a friend. C'mere.

[Dave leads Ben over to his office window]

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: C'mere. Alright, you see all these people out here, huh? You see they're getting into buildings, they're, they're driving in cars, they're crossing the street there, they're walking around. Every single one of these people is going to die someday, and they all know it, which is why they tend to regard the time that they have on this planet as precious. Now, there, there are a lot of things that take up a lot of that time, even if they don't enjoy it. They have to go to work, they have to get dressed, they have to wait in lines, they have to clean yards, they gotta get batteries, they have to, they have to visit the eye doctors, they're doing all these things. Now, add that to the time they spend sleeping, and eating, and, and, and, and washing up, and voting, and, and, and, and buying gifts for people they don't even like, and you can see why they're so choosy about how they spend whatever leisure time they do have. And you can understand why, unless she went down on somebody really interesting, why they're not going to waste their valuable time reading a book about your fucking grandmother.

Ben: So, if I'm reading you right, you don't like the idea.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent: It's not that.

Ben: And you can take that bread and shove it up the tops of your legs!

Ben: Isn't this the moment where one of us is supposed to say: Look, this is ridiculous, we love each other, all couples go through this, let's give it another try.

Ben: We don't have a pea under our mattress. You know what we have?

[shouts]

Ben: A fucking watermelon!

Ben: You have rendered me completely speechless.

Melanie Miller: Thank you!

Melanie Miller: We'd probably be fucking right now if it weren't for my situation below deck.

Ben: [uncomfortable] Oh. Oh, yeah?

Melanie Miller: Ok, I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with beast inspection.

Melanie Miller: I'm a sushi slut!

Ben: How does that manifest itself?

Melanie Miller: I'm a whore for sushi.

Ben: [in Spanish] I would like to hurl myself off a cliff and die a fiery death.

Juanita: [in Spanish] I am so with you on that.

Ben: Long live the angry gay guy! I'm in.

Ben: The only thing tatas do for me is remind me of when I drank my mother's milk.

Ross: What's on her resume?

Justin: [checking] Yeah, I think she's a porn star.

Chase Lockwood: I knew it.

Ben: How can you tell?

Justin: She was the lead in "Fuck My Butt" 3, 4 and 5.

Ben: Somebody take me out of the oven... 'cause I'm done.

Sarah: You're very angry, aren't you? Don't be. You're still God's gift. Every day God gives us is a gift. That's why we call it the present.

Ben: Fuck off, Sarah.

Ben: I'm not going back!

Evie Walton: Then, I'll walk!

Ben: You can't! You're dying!

Evie Walton: I am not dying.

Ben: You mustn't be afraid of death.

Evie Walton: I am not dying!

Ben: God embraces all who believe in him, for they will have everlasting life.

Evie Walton: I AM NOT DYING! I MADE IT UP!

[Evie starts walking away from the car]

Ben: [gets out of the car] I forgive you!

Robert Marshall: [talking about Laura] I think it's better this way.

Ben: How can you say that? After all the shit she put you through, how can you say that to me? You're my dad! You're meant to stand up for yourself! You should've divorced her! You should've told her to bloody well fuck off!

Robert Marshall: I did. It was me who asked for the divorce.

[after having sex]

Ben: Thank you for having me.

Evie Walton: Have a drink!

Ben: I don't drink.

Evie Walton: Go on! It'll make you feel better.

Ben: No, it won't.

Evie Walton: [annoyed] It was a key. I swallowed it. Frankly, you should be flattered! Now... I insist you have a drink.

Ben: I'm underage!

Evie Walton: Well... how old are you?

Ben: Seventeen and a half.

Evie Walton: So young and so pedantic... One glass. You can tell God I forced you.

Ben: I'm not gay!

Evie Walton: Not gay apparently.

Ben: My mother's gonna kill me. You don't understand. She said I wasn't to come. I asked and she said no. You don't say yes when my mother says no, you don't do it!

Evie Walton: My dear boy, the key will be back with us in the morning! I'm regular as clock work.

Ben: [about Evie swallowing the key] Choke! Bring it back! You can't do that! You have to bring it back!

Evie Walton: No, I don't.

Ben: [desperate] Yes, you do!

Evie Walton: No, I don't.

Ben: Shit! There's the spare one! Where's the spare?

Evie Walton: Haven't got one.

Ben: How could you do that?

Evie Walton: Felt like it.

Ben: God gave you your talent for a reason.

Evie Walton: There's no God, you pompous little cretin!

Ben: God forgives you for that too.

Evie Walton: Let's get one thing clear, sunny boy! I do the forgiving, not God!

Ben: That's a terrible thing to say!

[falling asleep]

Ben: God. Is. love.

Ben: Oh my god! You swallowed the key!

Evie Walton: What a relief, he swears.

Ben: You swallowed the frigging key!

Evie Walton: Better and better.

Ben: [about Evie to Laura] She needs me, She's my friend...

Ben: Remember I'm a poet too Evie, I understand the power of words

Bryony: Fancy a drink?

Ben: I should be in bed...

[Bryony chuckles]

Ben: [Evie locked him out] Evie! I know you are there! I need you! You're my best friend!

Laura Marshall: Where the hell have you been? It's six o' clock.

Ben: I got held up.

Laura Marshall: Got held up? We had a driving lesson at four. You should've let me know.

Ben: There was nowhere to call from, if I had a mobile...

Laura Marshall: Mobiles give you cancer!

Laura Marshall: Camping? Why on earth would anyone want to go camping?

Robert Marshall: ...to escape.

Laura Marshall: You don't have to tell me what happened. I know already. Some people are wicked. That's all there is to it.

Ben: She isn't wicked.

Laura Marshall: She's an actress! I think that says enough.

Bryony: How old are you?

Ben: I'm eighteen and a half.

Bryony: If you don't mind me asking, why are you working for an old lady? Are there no other jobs?

Ben: She's my grandmother.

Bryony: Hello. I made you some tea. Do you take sugar?

Ben: No.

Bryony: It's okay. I'm not gonna eat you. I don't have to be anywhere until after lunch. How about you? Do you fancy staying in a bit?

[Ben starts dressing]

Bryony: I take it that's a no then.

Ben: It's eleven thirty.

Bryony: So?

Ben: I promised Evie I'd be there by eleven.

Ben: [about Evie] I have to be there before she goes on or she can't remember her lines!

Bryony: Ben, she's reading from a book!

Ben: Makes a difference! She's completely helpless unless I'm in the same room.

Bryony: Isn't that a bit weird?

Ben: She's not weird!... she's just... nervous...

Bryony: Relax! She's having you on!

Ben: No, she isn't! I promised her I'd be there! Once you've made a promise you should keep it!...

[silence]

Ben: ... Sorry...

Ben: I think it's best I stop working for you.

Evie Walton: Oh, why? So you can take up being pompous professionally?

Evie Walton: You never read the bloody thing anyway!

Ben: [indignant] I read my Bible every night!

Evie Walton: Liar!

Ben: [shocked] Liar?

Ben: [shouting] You're telling me I'm a liar? I've never met anyone who lied so much in all my life! You make up whole people out of thin air! You make up conversations! You make up money!

Evie Walton: [at the same time Ben's talking] You said you'd be there at eleven and you weren't. The one time I really needed you and you let me down. The one time! Who were you with that was so bloody important you couldn't even be bothered to show up? Who was it?

Ben: [abashed whisper] Briney.

Ben: [Ben has written a poem for Evie, and reads it to her] Some mysteries I'll never understand: the way the Earth rotates around the sun, three minutes shorter every day. Or the way the dead are gone. Or putting down the phone or turning a corner. The future: that's another whopper. We can never know what we can never know, except, that whoever you are, and whoever I am, you made it allright to be me.

Ben: [Shrugging modestly] It's not Shakespeare...

Evie Walton: [Moved by Ben's somewhat odd poem] Oh, dear. But it's lovely. And it's you.

Ben: [Reading his poem to Sarah] You are the harvest, God's water on wheat. Birds fly for you, sing for you. Each wing a beat of my heart for you. Felt for you, my clay feet. I donot sing for you, donot fly for you. I'm not water, I'm not wheat. I would be dove, I would be hawk. Your milky breasts, my strange meat.

Ben: You should've talked to me. And I'd have understood. I'm a *poet*. I understand the power of words.

[first lines]

Ben: Do you think mom is hot?

Elliot: No, not really.

Ben: Why?

Elliot: I don't know. She's not my type.

Ben: You don't think she's pretty? Even if she wasn't mom.

Elliot: Uh, look, every opinion is objective. You know, maybe she's pretty in a universal sense. Uh, I mean, who the fuck knows? I'm just saying, she doesn't do it for me.

Ben: Do you think other people think she's hot?

Elliot: I don't know, some people fuckin' like McDonalds.

Ben: I like McDonalds.

Elliot: Right, and apparently you think mom is hot, so...

David Leary: I'm very sorry about this, sir, I can assure you it won't happen again. Will it Ben?

Ben: Who can predict the future?

David Leary: I can.

Ben: Dad when you said we could reinvent ourselves, I didn't know you meant as the Cleavers.

David Leary: Well start unpacking, Beave.

Ben: Pack this, Ward.

David Leary: I heard that.

Art: Hello. I'm Art.

Betty: And I'm Betty.

Art: And I'm Art.

Ben: Which one's Betty again?

Betty: That's me. I'm Betty.

Kirby: Holy cow!

Ben: Holy shit!

Ben: Are you gay, or are you just acting gay?

Robert: Well, that depends, are you interested are are you just acting interested?

[last lines]

Ben: I thought you never ran.

Amanda: I was ready to share forever with you, but did you care? No. You'd rather share it with him, and steal, steal, steal! Alan, Alan, Alan! I mean, was I just some hole for you? What does he have that I don't?

Ben: Uh, well, an indoor voice.

Ben: We all get a bag of hammers. You know what I mean? I mean, whether it's being poor, or catching cancer, divorce, losing your brother - losing your mother... You know what I mean, Kelsey? It's... Well, but the thing is th-tha... The thing IS is what you do with these hammers when you get 'em, 'cause that's what shows you what kind of a man you are, even if you're not ready to be one yet.

Alan: You don't... you don't hug anyone. You hugged a ho... a hobo?

Ben: Yeah. First I gave her all my money.

Marty: It's endlessly fucked up to me that you steal cars from dead people.

Alan: They're not dead people.

Ben: Yeah, they're dead people's relatives.

Marty: I remember when you were nice boys.

Ben: What do we look like? Criminals?

Melanie: Nah. Well, looks can be deceiving.

Ben: That's precisely why we're so successful.

Alan: [holding a condom package] Kelsey, we sat you down today because we wanted to talk to you about...

Ben: [holding a banana] ... something very important.

Alan: First of all, what happens in Penthouse doesn't happen in real life.

Ben: It never looks that good. You don't want to get a girl pregnant before your, um, in love with her.

Alan: And ready to start a life... with her.

Ben: Yes. And each time you have sex, you are risking marriage.

Jacques: What blood type are you?

Ben: O.

Jacques: O's good. No threat in O.

Ben: Well, what blood type are you?

Jacques: Fuckin' A.

Andrew: That's the tricky thing. It's the difference between this and bungee jumping, is that bungee jumping, you just walk to the edge and jump...

Ben: ...and the whole thing takes care of you...

Andrew: ...and you don't have to have a hard-on to bungee jump.

Ben: What a wild life you live, my friend.

Andrew: Enh. You always have the option of doing what I'm doing, and I don't know that I so much have the option of doing what you're doing.

Ben: Ah, it's easy. You just go to a grocery store, you find someone with long hair that's a girl, start kissing her, one thing leads to another. Then you buy her a ring, you get married, you buy a house. And soon enough you're converting your upstairs office into a potential baby room.

Andrew: Are you fucking serious?

Ben: Not yet, but we're on the path. We've officially removed the goalie, and now we're just doing free kicks.

Andrew: I'm going to count to five and we're going to fuckin' *kiss* and we're just going to do it. Alright.

Ben: You ready?

Andrew: You ready?

Ben: Yup!

Andrew: You ready?

Ben: Ready.

Andrew: Ready?

Ben: Five...

[in unison]

Ben: four, three, two, one.

Andrew: [jumps at Ben. They open-mouth "kiss", but without moving at all; and they hold this for at least ten seconds; then they release and stand back]

Ben: [pauses, then sounds happily relieved] It wasn't that bad!

Andrew: [laughing] No, it was just... it's weird, I've never kissed stubble before.

Ben: Wasn't that bad!

Andrew: It wasn't *terrible*.

Ben: It wasn't terrible, no, it wasn't terrible.

Andrew: [long pause] Yeah, that was awful.

Ben: Dude, that was awful.

[pause]

Ben: Okay...

Andrew: Uhhhhh...

Ben: This is gonna be hard.

Andrew: Yeah, that puts a little wrench in the works, doesn't it?

Ben: Huh! Love isn't compatibility. It's the passion to live as if death didn't matter.

Sam: [after Ben has just gotten away from some perverts playing Twister] Where've you been?

Ben: Left foot red

Sam: Did that prick just give me the finger?

Ben: Yeah. I think you got the whole hand

Sonny: [Sam and Ben have just had a brawl, and Ben is walking away] You know, the day that Ronnie died, there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It was perfect weather. So Ronnie goes out to play some golf. Suddenly, out of nowhere, this storm just appears. Ronnie's on the fourth hole. He goes to tee off.

[Flashback. We see Ronnie raising his wedge, when a lightning bolt strikes it]

Sonny: You remember what the last song we all heard together was?

Ben: No.

Sonny: Thunderstruck.

Nola: She doesn't look like the type of person who would eat in a place like this, muchless own it.

Ben: What does she look like to you?

Nola: [looks at the stove] Someone who doesn't react well to an over-cooked omelete.

Ben: So, why'd you leave Kansas?

Nola: Dorothy.

Ben: What?

Nola: The quote is, "Why'd you leave Kansas, Dorothy."

Ben: This is the best cannabis in the world.

Ben: That was Mexico, this is Laguna. The cops wear shorts and ride bicycles.

Ben: [to his younger brother] You're the insider, I'm the outsider.

Ben: Play them... don't...

Gary: [finishing his brother's sentence] ... Play with them

Ben: Why do good things happen to bad people? That's the mystery.

Ben: Another night of hero sex?

Ben: Listen, I'll shove your nose in so far you'll never come up for air!

Jimmy Fingers: [playing a cassette in his boom box] That's the Chiffons, Dad.

Ben: Where's that Jerry Vale tape I bought you for Christmas?

Jimmy Fingers: [taking it out and inserting it into his boom box] Are you kidding? I'm meeting you for lunch, right?

Ben: Well, put it on, kid. I never understand you. Either it's got to be a 900 year old Kraut or 5 niggers with squeaky voices.

Ben: I should have strangled you in your crib!

[Ben is asked his name after having tried to leave the scene several times]

Fordyce/Barton: Ben what?

Ben: Well, if it wasn't for you, Guv'nor, it'd be Ben Bolt.

[last lines]

Ben: Will you see me safely home, guv'nor, if I gives you a nice wedding present, eh?

Ben: Ya don't have to do nothin' in this 'ere house - ya stand still and things happen!

Fordyce/Barton: What have you got in your pockets?

Ben: Holes!

[first lines]

Ben: Oh! Oh, Gawd! Oh, Gawd! Oh, Gawd! Oh!

Fordyce/Barton: How do you feel? Now, where's that candle? Here, have some of this.

Ben: Let me go, Guv'nor. I ain't dun it!

Ben: I ain't got no money, see. Lost, lost me sheep.

Fordyce/Barton: What are you doing down there?

Ben: I - I was lookin' for you, Guv'nor.

Fordyce/Barton: Well, where am I?

Fordyce/Barton: Quite sure you don't know anything about that?

Ben: Wot, me? If I'd a dun it, I'd a know'd it, wouldn't I? Don't suppose one forgets a murder, like postin' of a letter!

Ben: Here's something you've overlooked, Guv'nor: half a fag!

Fordyce/Barton: It always pays an innocent man to play it straight, you know.

Ben: Who says I'm an innocent man? Who says I ain't a playin' straight?

Ben: Now, look 'ere Guv'nor. Chuck it, you see. Chuck it! This is a Bobby's job, this is. Messin' about. That's all you're doin'. Messin' about!

Rose Ackroyd: Can ye see anything?

Ben: Yes.

Fordyce/Barton, Rose Ackroyd: What?

Ben: Houses!

Rose Ackroyd: Silly idiot!

Fordyce/Barton: Have you hurt yourself?

Ben: What, me? Nah. No! What happened to me in the War, Guv'nor, blown up by a mine and come down singing!

Ben: You Nosy Parkers. Come have a look. Look till you're boss eyed!

Henry Doyle: What an amusing man.

Ben: Oh, yes. A regular George Robey, ain't I?

Henry Doyle: Now, for you Ben.

Ben: Here, here, who gave you permission to call me Ben?

Henry Doyle: Sorry, I don't know your other name.

Ben: Lloyd George.

Fordyce/Barton: I like you, Ben. You make me laugh.

Ben: I'll remember that, Guv'nor. Give a job in the cabinet, next election.

Fordyce/Barton: Where's that going to be?

Ben: Give me the 'Messin' About' Department.

Ben: You tryin' to get me killed?

Tom Keefer: I'm tryin' to find out if there's anyone in the world who kin speak the honest truth.

Tom Keefer: Say Ben, tell me - how does she look, is she pretty?

Ben: Well, Tom, I wouldn't exactly say she took after you.

Ben: This here's Miss Julia... Miss Gordon.

Hannah: Sure, I seen you at Mrs. McCord's. You look a sight pretty child, I've been a' watching you with Ben.

Julie: Thank you.

Thursday Ragan: Ain't you Tom Keefer's young 'un?

Julie: Yes sir.

Ben: I brung her to this dance and I ain't going to have nobody runnin' her down.

Thursday Ragan: I don't aim to have words with none of my kin in public. I mean no offense against this young 'un, but you're the one that seemed ashamed to say her name, not me.

Ben: It's gettin' where I'll expect nothing from you but a bossified tongue and a cussin' out.

Mabel MacKenzie: You ain't felt my tongue yet Ben.

Ben: It's funny I never noticed - but you're a heap prettier than Mabel is - if you was a little bigger.

Julie: I could grow more maybe!

Thursday Ragan: If you'd a minded me, and kept outen that swamp like I told you Ben, you wouldn't be in no fix like you're in... What's the matter boy?

Ben: If you'll be giving me my clothes, I'll be takin' myself offen your hands.

Thursday Ragan: No, you won't - you'll be quiet now. You're sick Ben.

Ben: I ain't so sick I have to lay here and listen to you give me down the country. I knowed that was all you drug me out of that crick for.

Thursday Ragan: I drug you out because you was my boy.

Sheriff Jeb McKane: [admiring a panther hide] Where'd you catch him, Ben?

Ben: Back in the swamp.

Marty McCord: How'd you get him?

Ben: We got him with a load of buckshot.

Tim Dorson: Oh, so you was with somebody.

Ben: I mean me and my dog.

Tim Dorson: I knowed you had a smart dog, Ben, but I never heard he could handle a shotgun.

Ben: I never in my life asked for no kiss, always just took 'em. I'll be dogged if I ain't asking you now, Julie.

Ben: We'll get out Keefer - if I have to bash you in the head when you ain't looking.

Tom Keefer: Bud, there ain't no man livin' can catch me when I ain't lookin'.

Ben: To your health.

Frank Booth: Ah, shit, let's drink to something else. Let's drink to fucking. Yeah, say, "Here's to your fuck, Frank."

Ben: If you like, Frank. Here's to your fuck.

[Alleline's telex arrives from London]

Ricki Tarr: Read it aloud.

Ben: "Personal for Tarr from Alleline: require clarification before meeting your request. Quote, 'information vital to safeguarding of the Circus', unquote, does not qualify, send further information."

Ricki Tarr: [laughing maniacally] That's the way, Percy boy! You keep stalling. I warn you, Ben, we've got some really lousy people in this outfit, I wouldn't trust a fucking one of them!

Ben: I thought I was the guy next to you.

Logan: You're my best buddy. I'll always be next to you.

Ben: [Hears a noise] Bro, can we go?

Quentin Jacobsen: What if it's Margo?

Ben: What if it is literally anything else?

Quentin Jacobsen: Last time I was this scared, I had to sleep in my mom's bed.

Ben: If I were you, I'd get that scared every single night.

Ben: I didn't kill Emily.

Abrams: Any good lawyer will tell you "Doesn't matter".

Abrams: Enjoy the pen.

Ben: You're gonna let me keep the pen?

Abrams: You better go before I change my mind.

Abrams: The hardest thing for a public defender is whether or not you are cheap. He's gonna make it, dem's the difference. Now you did, every time.

Ben: I'm a little bit over my head.

Abrams: No, you're not. Hear what I tell you, the worst vice is advice. Life's just been giving it to you. Son... Listen to me. You gotta sheed this sock. Distraction, hear it now. What's bothering you? Don't tell me. Just shut it. Understand? We'll have to attack this motherfucker. Clip his claws, take his head and chop that fucking thing off. We'll put it on the wall. A trophy.

Ben: Arthur Denning, global corporation. We go after Denning personally, for fraud.

Abrams: You are gonna accuse a man worth 8 and a half billion dollars for manipulating drug trials?

Ben: Yes, sir. And I fight to win.

Ben: You're a good friend. Thank you, thank you.

Doug Fields: A fucking dumb friend, that's what I am.

Charlotte Cahill: [very calmly] I pushed her. She fell. Her head hit the table and she didn't get up. I could have helped her, but I didn't help her because I thought that if she... If her heart stopped beating, then mine would stop hurting. It kind of did.

Charlotte Cahill: It's okay. It's just us.

Ben: Well, we've got a busy day ahead of us tomorrow. I'm gonna finish packing.

[first lines]

Christine: Who are you?

Ben: I'm your husband... Ben.

Christine: What?

Ben: We got married in 1999. That was 14 years ago. Christine, you're 40.

[hands her her clothes]

Ben: You had an accident. It was a bad accident. You had head injuries. And you have problems remembering things.

Christine: What things? What...?

Ben: Everything. You store up information for a day, and when you wake up in the morning, it's all gone. You're back to your early 20s. You'll be okay. Just... trust me.

Christine: I'm scared.

Ben: I want icing, Momma.

Annie: You've had icing enough to put you in a coma.

Annie: Ben, get your hand out of there. Oh, that's for the cake tonight, honey! What am I gonna ice the cake with?

Ben: I like icing, Momma. I like it.

Annie: I can see that, pumpkin.

[the Zacharys are discussing the rumors about Rachel]

Cash: It's out there, Ben. It's layin' on their stomachs and they don't know what to do.

Ben: Well, it's still a lie and we've got nothin' to be ashamed of.

Cash: What are we goin' to do when one of them says it? What are we goin' to do when one of them says it to Rachel?

Ben: Kill 'em, I guess.

Cash: That's all I wanted to hear.

[Charlie Rawlins has asked Ben for permission to marry Rachel]

Rachel: Well, Ben; you ain't goin' to shoot Charlie now are you?

Ben: I'm thinkin' about it. If I wasn't so short-handed I might.

[Cash advocates killing the Kiowa outside of the house]

Ben: All right, Cash. Let's see if they're after our scalps first.

[shoots the top of one Indian's lance]

Ben: I'm going out to talk. Cash, if they break the peace, kill them.

Cash: When will that be?

Ben: When they kill me.

Ginger: [to Ben and Tim] Hey, you guys seen Jason?

Ben: [notices blood on Ginger's forehead] Umm... you got a little...

Ginger: You guys going to the greenhouse bash tonight?

Ben, Tim: Yeah.

Ginger: I'm in charge of the prizes.

[she flashes them]

Ginger: You, too, could be a winner.

Mr. Wayne: [Coughs] Ginger. My office. Now.

[Sam opens the door to his van]

Sam: The hell you guys doing in here?

Ben: [Greeting him] Sam, The Man.

Jason: Sam, uh, we, we just needed a place to come and smoke.

Sam: Hey, you know, I have an idea. Why don't you guys get the fuck out of my van, assholes! Come on, I'm serious get out! I mean it! Get out!

Madison: It's nice to finally meet your mother.

Ben: What do you mean finally? You just met me.

Madison: Ben... Tell me you love me. You don't have to mean it, but just say it.

Ben: [pause] I love you.

Madison: If you could just admit that you love me. Tell her that you love me.

Ben: I can't do that.

Madison: So, what you're saying is that making love to me was a mistake?

Ben: Yes.

Ben: How many times to I have to make this clear to you? I'm not with you. I'm with Amy!

Ben: Scouts are coming next week.

Mr. Tillman: Girl scouts?

Ben: No, swimming scouts from Stanford.

Madison: You said that you loved me!

Ben: You told me to.

Christopher Dante: You shouldn't be here. If she catches you in here, she'll kill you.

Ben: No shit.

Ben: The lady in the picture, she wants you to go there.

Joe Darrow: Go where, Ben?

Ben: The Rainbow!

Ben: I told her to take it easy on you but she was right. You're a prick.

Sophie: Will you do something for me?

Ben: Yeah. Sure, anything. What?

Sophie: Marry me.

Ben: [laughs] Wha... Yeah. Okay. This must be good weed.

Sophie: Look, if Hail said this is a good place, maybe this is the right place for me.

Ben: Look, forget Hail.

Sophie: Okay.

Ben: He doesn't know what he's talkin' about. He's not even a real doctor. He got his Ph.D. on the Internet.

Ben: Isn't that how it goes, Dr. Hail? Full circle?

Ben: All right then, run, lady, and you keep on running. Buy yourself a bus ticket and disappear. Change your name, dye your hair, get lost - and then maybe, just maybe, you're gonna be safe from me.

Ben: Get out of character, lady. Come on, get way out.

Ben: Life's very long and full of salesmanship, Miss Clara. You might buy something yet.

Will Varner: I got influence. I'll dog you, boy, wherever you go. I'll break you.

Ben: No, you won't. You'll miss me.

Ben: Put them things down, Miss Clara, 'cause I'm gonna kiss you. I'm gonna show you how simple it is. You please me, and I'll please you.

[Attempts to kiss Clara, but she slaps him across the face]

Ben: [chuckles] Oh, I know what's troublin' you. It's all those boys hollerin' for Eula every night. And Eula with her hair hangin' down and Jody with his shirt off chasin' her. And your old man at 60 and he's callin' on his lady love.

[Bends down to kiss Clara, and she makes no resistance]

Clara: All right, you proved it. I'm human.

Ben: Yes, ma'am. You human, all right.

Clara: You're too much like my father to suit me, and I'm an authority on him.

Ben: He's a wonderful old man.

Clara: One wolf recognizes another.

Ben: Tame us. Make pets out of us. You could.

Ben: I respect him. I admire his manners and I admire the speeches he makes and I admire the big house he lives in. But if you're saving it all for him honey, you've got your account in the wrong bank.

Ben: Miss Clara, you slam the door in a man's face before he even knocks on it.

Ben: Summertime, and the livin' is easy.

Ben: If you're scared of me, mister, why don't you just come right out and say so?

Will Varner: Sir, why should I be scared of you?

Ben: 'Cause I got a reputation for being a dangerous man.

Will Varner: You're a young dangerous man. I'm an old one. I guess you don't know who I am. I better introduce myself. I'm the big landowner, chief moneylender in these parts. I'm commissioner of elections, veterinarian, own a store and a cotton gin and a grist mill and a blacksmith shop... and it's considered unlucky for a man to do his trading or gin his cotton or grind his meal or shoe his stock anywhere else. Now that's who I am.

Ben: You talk a lot.

Will Varner: Well, yes I do, sir. I'm done talking to you, except for passing you on this piece of information. I built me a new jail in my courthouse this year, and if during the course of your stay, something, anything at all should just happen to catch fire, I think you ought to know that in my jail, we never heard of the words habeas corpus. You rot.

Ben: Well, I'll be damned.

Will Varner: More than probable, you will be. But first, you're going to church and get married, yeah, to my daughter.

Ben: You look like two butterflies lit out on the grass.

Ben: [a group of men approaching with hostile intentions] Story of my life. Why don't nobody ever wanna talk with me peacable?

Ben: I live single.

Ben: Well, that's all right. I'm a quiet-living man, myself.

Eula Varner: Oh, I only know one reason for living quiet; that's if you're too old to live any other way.

Ben: In other words, you two girls take your fun where you can find it.

Clara: Don't jump to conclusions, young man. We're giving you a ride and that's all.

Eula Varner: Where you headed?

Ben: I go as far as you go, ma'am.

Eula Varner: Oh, you sound as free as a bird. Doesn't he sound as free as a bird, Clara?

Ben: Well, Clara's wondering what kind of bird. Aren't you Clara?

Ben: Yes or no, mister. Ain't no in between.

Ben: That's a long time to live in one place.

Alan Stewart: You don't believe in living in one place, Mr. Quick?

Ben: Well, my family moved. Not that they wanted to. They was encouraged by the local citizens.

Ben: The world belongs to the meat eaters, Miss Clara, and if you have to take it raw, take it raw.

Ben: I can see my white shirt and my black tie and my Sunday manners didn't fool you for a minute. Well, that's right, ma'am, I'm a menace to the countryside. All a man's gotta do is just look at me sideways and his house goes up in fire. And here I am, living right here in the middle of your peaceable little town, right in your back yard, you might say. Guess that ought to keep you awake at night.

Passerby: I wouldn't fool with them folks, boy. I'd light out.

Ben: I'm just not in a running mood.

Will Varner: I get preached to on Sundays

Ben: I know, and you don't listen and neither did I.

Ben: [to Clara] Never say never.

Alex: [as Ben greets Alex arriving home from the hospital] ... Don't tell me we're having a party in honor of my suicide.

Ben: Attempted suicide. Jeez, if it were a suicide, we'd both be wearing suits.

[last lines]

Josh: [posing for group picture] Alright, posture everyone.

Kate: [holding the camera] Uh, I'm going to need you to get a lot closer together than that.

Sarah: Okay.

Ben: Come on, come on.

[arm around Alex]

Josh: Alright. I'm going to pose a quick idea, you guys. Maybe next time we do this, it's a happy occasion.

Alex: Is there going to be a next time?

Isaac: Uh oh.

Sarah: Alex...

Kate: Okay. One, two...

[first lines]

Night Editor: [entering] Ben. Your page's set?

Ben: Mm, yep. Almost.

[looking at picture]

Ben: Jesus, Alex.

[answering the phone]

Ben: Hello? Yes, this is him, but I'm at work. So...

Josh: [now answering his phone] Used to have a freshman roommate named "Ben", but that ass-wad hasn't called me in ages. What?

Sarah: [on her phone] And no one was there? He was... Alone? Yeah, of course he was alone. That was stupid. Yeah, I can probably get up in a couple hours. I just need a little bit of time to get out of here.

[more work gets set on her desk]

Isaac: [walking while on his phone] Well, he's gonna be okay. That's the most important thing. Okay.

[checking incoming call]

Isaac: I gotta take this. Hang on a sec... Babe? Yeah, I'm fine. Just got to the office - I'm gonna leave from there.

Ben: [narrating] There are three stages of finding friends in college. The first is desperation. Second is panic. The third is fate. When you wind up at the same table together somehow, then your real life begins.

Josh: Ben, can I ask you something? Was it difficult, as a couple, when the iPhone 4s came out? Because I can imagine, here you are, minding your own business, and then everybody's asking her a question.

Ben: You're a fucking idiot.

Ben: I can't remember what happened last, me writing something good or me and Siri having sex.

Josh: So basically what you're saying is that you're *blocked* in more ways than one.

Ben: Nice shiner.

Alex: Nice driving.

Ben: When good things happen, we always wanna imagine them as fated. But when bad things happen, we curse the world as this cold and brutally random place.

Ben: I'm scared of what the world would look like without you.

Siri: You can't stay with me because you're scared.

Ben: You're right.

Josh: Give me a break, I'm not listening to that.

Ben: What?

Josh: It's like we're gripped by this never-ending nostalgia for our parents' music. It's oppressive.

Megan Walker: Daddy, why did Jonah die?

Ben: I don't know, maybe he didn't love Jesus the way he was supposed to.

Megan Walker: Mommy, my fish is in Hell!

Ben: Five minutes from now, I'll be sucking down a half-caff chai latte... and you'll be eating crow.

Mike the Angel: I don't think so. Consumption of carrion birds is prohibited in Deuteronomy 14... I'm old-fashioned that way.

Ben: When Ben was asking to see the rich man, Henryk Zimmerman, who was dying the nurse said...

Front Desk Nurse: If I was him I would be looking for a small camel and a really big needle - reference to Matt 19:24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

Ben: [Brandishing a switchblade, at Rita] If you don't drag your ass, out that door or, I'll cut you. I'll cut your ass

[Kicks Rita, on the backside]

Ben: , GET OUT!

Ben: I have missed having your body next to mine too much to have it denied to me for reasons of bad engineering.

[on a dinner table]

Elliot: You're not a boy anymore, son. You're a young man. Do you know how lucky you are this happened while you're in high school so the principal could call your mother? Because in the real world, you're in jail right now.

Joey: I didn't steal anything.

[cell phone rings]

Elliot: [answering] Hello?

Kate: Ben, would you like some more water?

Ben: Yes, please.

Elliot: [on the phone] No. No, let's just leave the way it is. I don't want to change anything at this point.

Kate: [whispering to Elliot] Can we do this later, please?

Elliot: [on the phone] Yeah. I can't talk right now. I'll call you back in half an hour.

[hangs up the phone]

Kate: Thank you.

Elliot: Where were we?

Ben: Jail.

Bartender: Are you guys new in the neighborhood?

Ben: Are you kidding? There was a famous "sip in" right here in this bar to challenge the New York State regulation that prohibited bars from serving homosexuals.

Bartender: Yeah, we have a clipping from The New York Times framed here somewhere.

Ben: 1966. Me and four other guys, we came in here accompanied by five reporters. When we were denied service, we denounced the State Liquor Authority.

Bartender: Oh my God. You're that guy?

Ben: Yeah, I was one of the guys.

Bartender: Wow. Well, this round's on me, fellas.

[Ben and George start laughing as soon as the bartender leaves]

George: You are such a liar!

Ben: What?

George: You'll do anything for a free drink!

Ben: Well, I knew the guy who thought it up.

George: Who, Frank?

Ben: Yeah. That was his claim to fame.

George: Oh, I thought his claim to fame was something entirely different.

Ben: Well, that too.

[both start laughing even harder]

Ben: When you live with people, you know them better than you care to.

George: I had a wonderful time.

Ben: Me too.

[first lines]

Ben: My glasses. I can't find my glasses.

Joey: What the fuck, Vlad?

Vlad: I'm posing for your uncle's new masterpiece.

Joey: That's so gay.

Ben: People have been modeling for painters for centuries now, Joe. All kinds of people.

Vlad: He doesn't mean homosexual, Uncle Ben. He just means stupid.

Ben: What did you think of the Wieniawski?

George: Not bad. I thought she milked it a bit.

Ben: You think so?

George: Well, when the piece is that romantic, there's no need to embellish.

Ben: Oh. I don't know. I loved it. I kept thinking about him and his beloved Isabella.

George: Oh yeah? But that's not true. You know that whole "he composed it to convince her parents to let him marry her," it's a myth.

Ben: I'm not like you. I prefer a little embellishment.

Nicky: So what are you going to give all us for Christmas, Ben?

Ben: I gave you my mum.

Nicky: So you did. So you did, darling, and we love you for it.

Ben: You and the DEI can give people whatever score you want. But we make the mistakes. We should be allowed to take risks... and fail... and love without a score to consider...

Randall: The system simply exists to minimize risks and potential emotional damage between couples.

Ben: That's too bad - you guys - try to make love easier. But you're missing the whole point. It's not supposed to be - - easy. It's supposed to test you. Break you down and hurt like hell. And who you choose to go through that with - that's whats really important.

Ben: You used to get to calling these "The Ben".

Sara: [Not expecting Ben to bring up the past] Yeeeeeah, I'll think about it.

Sara: I, for one, I'm happy we got a second chance to sort things out.

Ben: [Raises his cup high] Me too.

[Clinks his cup with Sara's]

Sara: [Straightens up] Clink.

[Ben exhales amusedly]

Sara: Not all guys are as dumb and shallow as you.

Ben: Oh, but they are.

Sara: You know what's funny... when we were together, I used to picture this moment with you in it. And then we broke up and I just stopped envisioning it that way... I just removed you.

Ben: I never left.

[They share a kiss]

Ben: [to Seth] You're supposed to make mistakes. It's supposed to get hurt. That's what love is.

Ben: [talking about the mural] What'd you think her score is?

Sara: I don't think she cares.

Ben: Stoney! Warren's freakin' out at the gallery!

Ben: Everything is part of everything else.

Dale: Ben, just one vin rouge.

Ben: Buttercup says no.

Dale: Buttercup is really not my mother. Come on, man!

Ben: Makes you sick, Dale.

Dale: Not good wine. Just don't serve me that stuff you serve your customers.

Jacob Two Two: [about his plan] Why isn't it working?

Ben: Was that a rhetorical question?

Jacob Two Two: [confused] What?

Ben: Happy fuckin' Birthday!

Kate: [having sex in their van] What was that?

Ben: What was what?

Kate: [van shakes] That!

Ben: God, it's probably Michael.

Kate: Oh, what timing.

Ben: [van continues to shake] Okay, okay buddy, you hear us in here; stop shaking the van!

Kate: Quick, grab a balloon.

Ben: Yeah, right! Happy fucking Birthday!

Artie: Look at all that young fresh chicken. Where I come from, we call 'em baldies. Makes your mouth water, don't it?

Ben: Artie, they're too young to even understand what's on your mind.

Artie: There ain't no such thing as being too young. You're just too old.

Ben: Now get the hell down in the cellar. You can be the boss down there, but I'm boss up here!

Ben: You know a place back down the road called Beekman's? Beekman's Diner? Anyhow, that's where I found that truck I have out there. There's a radio in the truck. I jumped in to listen, when a big gasoline truck came screaming right across the road! There must've been ten, fifteen of those things chasing after it, grabbing and holding on. Now, I didn't see them at first. I could just see that the truck was moving in a funny way. Those things were catching up to it. Truck went right across the road. I slammed on my breaks to keep from hitting it myself. It went right through the guard rail! I guess - guess the driver must've cut off the road into that gas station by Beekman's Diner. It went right through the billboard, ripped over a gas pump, and never stopped moving! By now it was like a moving bonfire! Didn't know if the truck was going to explode or what. I still hear the man... screaming. These things, just backing away from it! I looked back at the diner to see if - if there was anyone there who could help me. That's when I noticed that the entire place had been encircled. There wasn't a sign of life left, except... by now, there were no more screams. I realized that I was alone, with fifty or sixty of those things just... standing there, staring at me! I started to drive, I - I just plowed right through them! They didn't move! They didn't run, or... they just stood there, staring at me! I just wanted to crush them! And they scattered through the air, like bugs.

Barbara: We were riding in the cemetery. Johnny and me... Johnny. We came to put a wreath on my father's grave... Johnny and... Then and he said, "Can I have some candy, Barbara?" And we didn't have any! And... oh! It's hot in here. Hot! And he said, "Oh it's late! Why did we start so late"? And I said, "Johnny, if you'd gotten up earlier, we wouldn't be late." Johnny asked me if were afraid, and I said, "I'm not afraid, Johnny." And this man started walking up the road, he came slowly, and Johnny kept teasing me saying, "He's coming to get you Barbara! He's coming to get you!" And I laughed at him and said, "Johnny stop it!" And then Johnny ran away. And I went up to this man, and I was going to apologize.

Ben: What don't you just keep calm?

Barbara: And I looked up and I said, "Good evening." And he grabbed me! He grabbed at me! And he ripped at me! He held me and ripped at my clothes!

Ben: I think you should just calm down!

Barbara: Oh... I screamed, "Johnny! Johnny help me! Oh... help me!". And he wouldn't let me go... he ripped at me! And then Johnny came and he ran he fought this man! And I got so afraid, I ran, I ran... and I ran, and Johnny didn't come. We've got... we have to wait for Johnny. We better go out and get him. We have to go out and get Johnny. He's out there. Please, don't you hear me? We've got to out and get him! Please! We have got to go get Johnny! Please help me! Please!

Ben: Now look... don't you know what's going on out there? This is no Sunday school picnic!

Barbara: Don't you understand? My brother is alone! He's out there lost...

Ben: Your brother is dead.

Barbara: No! My brother is not dead!

Ben: They know we're in here now.

[to Harry Cooper after having been locked outside]

Ben: I ought to drag you out there and FEED you to those things!

Harry Cooper: [to Barbara] Now you'd better watch this and try to understand what's going on.

[Ben looks at him]

Harry Cooper: I don't want anyone's life on my hands.

Helen Cooper: Is there anything I can do...?

Ben: I don't wanna hear any more from you, Mister! If you stay up here, you take orders from ME! And that includes leaving the girl alone!

Ben: How long have guys you been down there? I could have used some help up here!

Harry Cooper: That's the cellar. It's the safest place.

Ben: You mean you didn't hear the racket I was making up here?

Harry Cooper: How were we supposed to know what was going on? It could have been those things for all we knew!

Ben: That girl was screaming. Surely you know what a girl screaming sounds like? Those things don't make any noise. Anybody would know somebody needed help!

Tom: Look, it's kind of hard to know what's going on from down there.

Harry Cooper: We thought we could hear screams, but for all we knew, that meant those things were in the house after her.

Ben: And you wouldn't come up here and help?

Tom: Well, if there were more of us...

Harry Cooper: That racket sounded like the place was being ripped apart. How were we supposed to know what was going on?

Ben: Now wait a minute. You just got finished saying you couldn't hear anything from down there. Now you say it sounded like the place was being ripped apart. It would be nice if you got your story straight, man!

Harry Cooper: All right, now you tell me! I'm not gonna take that kind of a chance when we've got a safe place! We lock up into a safe place, and you're telling us that we gotta come up here and risk our lives just because somebody might need help, huh?

Ben: Yeah, something like that.

Ben: Don't you know what's goin' on out there? This is no Sunday School picnic!

Ben: [seeing the remains of the woman upstairs] Jesus!

Ben: I'm telling you they can't get IN here!

Harry Cooper: And I'm telling you they turned over our car! We were damn lucky to get away at all! Now you're telling me these things can't get through a lousy pile of wood?

Harry Cooper: Did you hear me when I told you those things turned over our car?

Ben: Oh, hell! Any good five men could do that!

Harry Cooper: That's my point! There's not going to be five, or even ten of them! There's going to be twenty, thirty, maybe a hundred of those things out there, and as soon as they find out we're here, this place'll be crawling with them!

Ben: Well, if there's that many, they'll probably get us wherever we are.

Newscaster: Reports, incredible as they may seem, are not the results of mass hysteria.

Harry Cooper: "Mass hysteria?" What do they think, we're imagining all this?

Ben: Shut up!

Barbara: Don't you understand? My brother is alone!

Ben: Your brother is dead.

Barbara: NO! My brother is NOT dead!

Ben: [trying to use the phone] I suppose you've tried this.

Ben: [clears his throat] Weren't you getting me a beer?

Katherine Winter: I guess you didn't pray hard enough.

Ben: [on the plagues] There's still six more left.

Ben: [after Katherine wakes up] Morning. Sleep at all last night?

Katherine Winter: Yeah. Where are we?

Ben: Far enough that all I'm getting is this guy.

[tunes the radio and a song plays that's apparently supposed to be crummy]

Ben: You're boss down there. I'm boss up here.

Ben: You are losing it girl, you are losing it.

Barbara: You think so?

[Barbara shoots an approaching zombie in the face]

Barbara: Whatever I lost, I lost a long time ago and I do not plan on losing anything else. You can talk to me about losing it when you stop screaming at each other like a bunch of two-year-olds.

Ben: [after having just pulled Harry forcefully out of the cellar] Look, from now on, you leave that door open! We may want to get down there, we may NEED to get down there if those things break in!

Harry: Yeah, sure! You want the best of both worlds, you get caged in up here, you wanna be able to run downstairs. Well that's not the way it's working, pal. You want to get in that cellar, you get in there now! Or you can forget it!

Ben: I'm not boxing myself in down there, until there's absolutely no other choice!

Harry: Yeah, well I'm not gambling with my daughters life! Look, if you wanna stay upstairs, go ahead, but don't count on me to help you!

Ben: I'm not counting on you for *shit*, Cooper!

Ben: This is something no one's ever heard about, and no one's ever seen before. This is hell on earth.

Ben: Cooper, I've got a shotgun out here. Open this door, you motherfucker, or I swear to God I'll blow it to shit.

Ben: I'm not so sure going down that basement's such a smart move.

Harry: What do you mean?

Ben: I mean I'm not so sure going down in that basement's such a smart move! And I'm not going down there until I know absolutely all the options.

Harry: [angry] *What* damn options, and who the *fuck* gave you the right to decide for the rest of us?

Ben: I'm not deciding for anyone here, Cooper, I'm thinking about my own ass and if you want to go down that cellar, go! No one's stopping you!

Ben: You know what, Cooper, I've only been around you a minute or two, but that's enough time for me to decide that I don't like you very much.

Harry: [as he is about to lock himself in the basement] I'm staying in here and I'm not coming out until some help comes.

Ben: If someone like that comes along, we'll try to remember to let you know.

Robbie: He does not like you.

Ben: What? Who? Who does not like me?

Robbie: You'll find out.

Ben: She thinks fellatio is a character in Shakespeare.

Cindy: This is Ben's pathetic concept of cool, is to pretend he's not afraid.

Ben: Well hello Cindy Freud, what's your concept of being cool, Doc? Banging the whole entire senior class starting with A?

Leonard Marliston: Ben, I know you have a very different point of view on this tragedy, so go ahead.

Ben: Well, I would like to know if this killer removed any body parts or sexually defiled any orifice of the victim.

Cindy: You're tragically sick.

Ben: I wanna know because if he didn't, this loser deserves a thumbs down!

Heather: How can you be so insensitive?

Ben: Oh what, when you're like Mother Teresa? You're the one who told him to drop dead.

Dylan: You're only fooling yourself with this display of indifference.

Ben: Hey jackhole, you're not playing DeathQuake now, *this* is the real world!

Dylan: Fuck you.

Ben: Clark, I don't know who or what started it, but we all sure as shit signed up for it. We made ourselves vulnerable. When Mya left last night, I turned the TV back on and there it was. It was replacing my thoughts. But then the sun came up. I see it. It's a lie. The signal; it's a trick. Change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.

Lewis Denton: You don't know what you're saying.

Ben: No, you don't know what you're saying. That TV got in your brain and has distorted your perception.

Lewis Denton: I'm not crazy like those others.

Ben: No man, you're much worse off, because you don't even realize what's happening to you. You don't even know. Your wife left you, alone, tied to a chair, helpless so the world can take your life and the savages can feast on your bloody remains.

Ben: Listen to me. The car, the one that's wrecked, the one's that outside. The girl inside of it... where did she go?

Clark: I told you already!

Ben: Not me, that wasn't me. We've got to find her.

Clark: I don't know. I don't know. Maybe he knows.

[Clark points towards a decapitated head on the floor]

Clark: He was with her!

Ben: Man, he's not gonna be able to talk to us!

[first lines]

Ben: What was that? That was strange.

Mya Denton: [in bed] Come back.

Ben: The TV turned itself on.

Mya Denton: [reaching out] Come back.

Ben: Okay.

Ben: Just sit down and relax.

Mya Denton: [getting dressed] I can't relax, Ben. I've never done this before. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to do this.

Ben: First, you just breathe, and then realize that it's okay.

Mya Denton: It's okay, what we're doing?

Ben: Do you love your husband?

Mya Denton: [after a long pause] It doesn't matter.

Ben: You can just drop your stuff right now, and stay here tonight, and never go back there again.

Mya Denton: Ben...

Ben: Or we could... go up to the rooftop and build an exotic flower garden. Or we could take one of my cameras, and dress up like homeless people, and infiltrate their community and take pictures of their lives. Or we could take my TV and throw it off the balcony and replace it with coloring books. Or we could leave Terminus tomorrow. New Years fucking Eve. We could.

Mya Denton: Leave?

Ben: Go down to the station, we'll walk up to Terminal 13, and we'll get on a train and we'll get into our own private compartment, rip each other's clothes off, and fuck our way to freedom. We'll go to the country and start a life. A real life. Mya and Ben. New Years Eve. Terminal 13. Mya and Ben. And you don't look back.

Mya Denton: That's beautiful.

Ben: It's possible.

Ben: [to Lewis, about Mya] I know where she is, and I'm going to find her, and free her from the burden of being the used-up adulterous whore that she is. I'm going to get to her. I'm going to get to her before you, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Ben: [to Clark] Finish jump-starting your head!

Rod: The fuck you want?

Clark: Can you hear me?

Rod: Got a smoke?

Clark: I don't smoke.

Ben: Ask him about the girl.

Rod: You want to know about the girl, give me a c-c-cigarette.

Clark: He wants a cigarette.

Ben: What? You're kidding me? You got to be fucking kidding me.

Ben: [to Clark] You're aware you're having a conversation with a decapitated head, right?

Ben: Listen to me. Do you hear that? Listen. It's past the noise in your head. That is the natural world. That has been here a long time before us. It's going to be here a long time after we're gone. That is real. And that is what we focus on.

Clark: Past the noise...

Ben: Yeah.

Clark: [laughing] This calls for a radical reassessment of all the facts.

[last lines]

Ben: Mya...

Henry Cooper: This is not happening. These are not fucking walking corpses.

Ben: Hey man, this is fucking happening.

Barb: Call the freaking cops.

Hellie Cooper: We have to baby.

Henry Cooper: Yeah, call the cops. When the dead walk, you gotta call the cops.

Henderson: Do you, Ben...

Cassie: Benjamin Reynolds.

Henderson: Benjamin Reynolds, take this young woman...

Cassie: Cassie Kennington.

Henderson: [Henderson wipes eyes, takes off hat] Do both of you promise to treat each other with dignity and love until one or the other drops dead?

Cassie: I do.

[looks at Ben]

Ben: I do.

Henderson: [Henderson, Cassie, and Ben put their hands in the center and "break"] Well, looks like you're both married now.

[grins]

Ben: [looks at Cassie, laughs nervously and grins] That's great.

[Henderson nods]

Cassie: [whispers] Oh, the ring.

[Ben gets a straightened paper clip and wraps it around her finger, then pats her hand]

Henderson: Congratulations to you both.

[gets up]

Cassie: Well, I feel good about this whole thing.

[to Henderson]

Cassie: How about you?

Henderson: [grins again] Yeah. I feel good about it.

[Cassie looks at Ben and their eyes meet]

Ben: [nervously] Uh, well, I don't have a lot to compare it to, but, uh, yeah...

[gulps]

Ben: I feel good.

Henderson: Oh and if you wanna kiss the bride, you can do that now, 'cause I forgot to say it.

Cassie: Sure is nice being up bright and early to take in the new day.

Ben: Yeah. That's what they say. Where are we anyways?

Cassie: Life In Hell, Kentucky. By the way, did I ever thank you? Because it would be way too comfortable for me and my banged up body to be in a nice, warm bus taking us directly where we need to be going.

Ben: We're married, you know. That's supposed to count for something.

Cassie: He's a nice guy. So we talked. It wasn't like I kissed him or anything, jeez.

Ben: Yeah, whatever.

[gets up, picks up a rock]

Cassie: [after a pause] Jealousy. It's a good quality to have in a husband. Unless, of course, he gets overly possessive.

Ben: Okay, why don't you just rest your tired ass and let me make the calls for a little while.

Cassie: Tired ass? Where's that sweet, innocent youth I used to know?

Ben: Don't you worry about it, he's in here somewhere.

Cassie: Well, he better be.

[Ben throws rock]

Cassie: The real question is why you're putting it in such a negative context. Yes, I am withdrawing somewhat, but is that a sin?

Ben: Great. Take a major problem, even though you won't tell me what it is, and turn it into one of your brainy discussions.

Cassie: Oh. Is that your opinion? You did finish seventh grade, so I want to give it the way it deserves.

Ben: And you graduated from Harvard, right?

Cassie: [sitting up a little straighter and looking angry] Okay, cowboy. Wanna play?

Ben: [also sitting up straighter] I'm not exactly sure what we're playing here, but yeah, let's go.

Cassie: It's all about introspection. And concepts which you are no doubt unable to digest at this point in your narrow-minded and sheltered pathetic life!

[turns away and folds her arms]

Ben: [pause] Go screw yourself.

[turns off light]

Cassie: [after small pause] Ben?

Ben: What?

Cassie: [leaning in a little closer] Are you mad at me?

Ben: Yeah.

Cassie: Well, I don't like it.

Ben: Then start talking to me like a real person.

Cassie: [remorsefully] I told you I was flawed when we met.

Ben: Cass, everybody's flawed. Just in different ways.

Cassie: [cuddles up next to Ben] I'm so sorry.

Ben: [kisses the top of her head] It's okay.

Cassie: That was one goddamn doozy of an accident, that's for sure.

[Ben turns suddenly away]

Cassie: What?

[she smiles]

Cassie: You never heard anyone cuss before?

Ben: Well yeah, but... not from a girl.

Cassie: Well, I'm very flawed. Extremely flawed, if you want to know the truth.

Ben: [after Cassie wakes up from a particularly detailed nightmare] You took it as long as you could, Cass. You can't blame yourself for that.

[puts his hand on her cheek]

Cassie: There are good parts to them too.

[pauses, then looks down, tears sparkling in her eyes]

Ben: [after a brief pause] Cass?

Cassie: [looks up] Yeah?

Ben: Let's go.

Cassie: [whispering] Ben, I'm sick. When you kill two people it makes you sick.

Ben: [sniffs] Look, I'm going to take you out of here, and... well, worry about everything later, okay?

Cassie: [nods] Okay.

[pause, then Cassie leans her head against Ben's hand, where Ben strokes her cheek gently with his thumb]

Ben: [wakes up and sees Cassie by his bed] Jesus!

Cassie: You're not screwing with me, are you?

Ben: What?

Cassie: You seem to like me, which is fine because I like you too. But if you're acting like you do because my parents are dead and you feel sorry for me, then that's just bullshit.

[Ben stares at Cassie for a few moments]

Cassie: [waving her hand in front of his face] Hello?

Ben: No, I'm not screwing with you. I like you too.

[from trailer]

[narrating]

Ben: [on Cassie's breakdown] I guess I hoped that when she woke up, things would be okay. But I was wrong. She had gone over this edge, and no one knew how to get her back. I didn't know what to do or where to go.

Cassie: [to her aunt and uncle, about needing a double mattress] Y'know with my legs stiffening up sometimes and the two of us being married and all.

Cassie's Uncle: You're married?

Cassie's Aunt: That must be what kids call going steady these days.

Ben: No, we're actually married.

[Cassie smiles and displays her "ring"]

Cassie's Aunt: [looking a little confused] Was it a large wedding?

Cassie: Oh, about twenty or thirty head. Mostly hogs and some sows.

Ben: Oh, and pigs.

Cassie: Yes, there were several pigs in attendence as well.

Cassie's Aunt: [still looking confused] Well, I guess we'll get you a double mattress then.

Ben: [after Cassie wakes up from a nightmare] You were screaming.

Cassie: [Cassie gets a drink of water and lays back down, still panting] It's late. You should get back to bed.

Waitress: So, what can I get you little chickens this morning? Some silver dollar pancakes? Or some piggies in a blanket, I bet?

Ben: Two coffees, both black.

Cassie: How much did you get?

Ben: $25.

Cassie: Well, at least that's $25 more than we had before.

Ben: That's true.

Ben: When I look back, I think it's my fault. Not that I couldn't figure out why she was sad, but not seeing how incredibly sad she really was.

Cassie: See, a real plan is more than just some pipe dream.

Ben: Pipe dream?

Cassie: A pipe dream is an unrealistic fantasy that deludes oneself into thinking that it's an actual plan. It's a very popular expression. I'm surprised you've never heard of it before.

Ben: I didn't say I'd never heard it.

Cassie: Anyway, a real plan is an actual goal that you believe in enough to create a set of circumstances. Which leads you to, and into, a plan. Comprende?

Ben: Where do you come up with this stuff? I mean, what part of your brain works so hard it makes you think and talk like that?

Cassie: My father was a professor with a very wide vocabulary and lots of unique ideas. When he wasn't teaching his students, he taught me.

Ben: So what does your mom do?

Cassie: [after a pause] She never did anything.

[blinks, then turns and walks away from him]

Ben: [picks up their bags and follows her, regretting he said anything] You know, I think most of what you say is true.

[Cassie turns and tilts her head at him]

Ben: Some I just don't understand. But I also think you like to screw with people's heads.

Cassie: I may be wrong sometimes. But I won't ever screw with your head. Ever.

Ben: Me too. Ever.

[Cassie smiles and nods]

Ben: [to Cassie]

[whispering]

Ben: Talk to me. Please.

Truck Driver: [sees Ben pouring hot liquid] Hot chocolate?

Ben: Hot coffee.

Ben: [in the hospital visiting Cassie]

[gently]

Ben: Hey.

Cassie: Hey.

Ben: Cass?

Cassie: Yeah?

Ben: It's time to go.

Cassie: [pause, then looks at him with dark circles under her eyes] Is that the plan?

Ben: Yeah. That's the plan.

Cassie: What if I'm really, really tired?

[pause, then she kisses his cheek and lays against him and goes to sleep]

[first lines]

Ben: [narrating] I'm just a kid, there's a lot I don't know. But one thing I do know, is that my folks should never have married. And they definitely should never had a kid.

Ben: Who knows anything when it comes down to it?

[sighs embracing Cassie]

Ben: I don't.. I pretend I do sometimes but.. I don't. But I do know this..

Ben: When your life becomes what you dream it'll be

[dramatic pause in narration]

Ben: It's amazing..

Ben: Mike? Happy Birthday, hooligan!

Michael: Yeah, that's right, my day all day.

Ben: Hey, you know who else's birthday it is? I read it in the San Francisco Chronicle. Julius Ceasar!

Michael: Julius Caesar! How the hell do they know?

Ben: Because they are fiendishly clever, man!

Carol: Something's happening. I don't know what it is, but I can feel it. Have you noticed anything?

Ben: I have.

Ben: Our world is a better world.

Ben: We gonna do whatever it takes to get through this!

Carol: I'm so afraid I'm gonna fall asleep, I'm gonna lose him, I'm gonna lose you. I'm gonna lose everything that matters.

Ben: No. You can easily go for a week without sleep then we'll find a pharmacy, do whatever it takes to make sure you stay awake. I just want you to know, there is nothing I wouldn't do for you. Nothing.

Ben: Hey, you owe me an hour on your couch.

Carol: An hour? Oh come on, what make you think anyone can help you in an hour?

Joseph Finley: You think there's cocaine in that pool?

Ben: Might be.

Joseph Finley: What if we O.D.?

Ben: We'll keep an eye on each other. I'll watch him

[pointing to Joe]

Ben: , you watch him

[pointing to Art]

Ben: , you watch me.

Art Selwyn: Perfect.

Tina: Wait. Where are we going?

Lexi: We're taking you somewhere safe.

Tina: Oh, you guys keep telling me how I'm in danger, but you won't tell me anything! What's going on?

Lexi: This isn't the time to talk about that. We need to get you out of here.

Tina: What's going on?

Ben: Listen, you're gonna get us all killed. Now, come on.

Tina: By who?

[they hear sounds in the bushes]

Lexi: Tina, come on! We have to go!

Tina: No!

[the sounds continue]

Ben: Come on, before...

Lexi: Too late!

[the Hybrids appear and attack them]

Colby: Sorry we're late.

Tina: What kept you?

[Ben, Jason and Colby look back to see the Hybrids chasing after them]

Ben: Need we say more?

[the Hybrids approach rather quickly]

Colby: Quick run!

Colby: Listen, Ben, I don't like this any more than you do!

Ben: You could have fooled me! You're so headstrong, you forgot the rest of us will never know what it's like to grow up without fear every time we go to sleep! To you, this is like a dream job! To us, it's a nightmare! So why don't you stop trying to be better than everyone else, and do your job!

[after Jason escapes from the Hybrids]

Ben: Nice time for you to take a vacation!

Scruno: What's 'e matter, Ben?

Ben: Go no, go on, go on...

Scruno: Wait a minute. Don't go brushin' ME off, you know, 'cause you got a funny look in your face.

Ben: Oh, my face ain't no different than the day it was yesterday.

[first lines]

Ben: You know I can't keep this, right?

[pause]

Ben: Man, your grandfather made it for you.

Laina: To give the man I love.

Ben: Come on, you won't miss me. Your practice at six every morning, classes... All those college guys...

[first lines]

Ben: [voiceover] It's hard to explain. It's hard to explain myself. But I never tell lies. Everything I say is true, even when I don't say a thing.

Ben: It is high time to become who you are.

Ben: I do not like assclowns. You are an assclown. Shut up.

Ben: I see you! One wrong step around here, darling, and you are gonna go Boom!

Ben: You let a stranger walk in? How long before he just picks up what he wants... and just disappears?

Ben: You're not fooling me.

[Springer explains the difference between the Canadian frontier and the American frontier to a pair of U.S. lawmen]

Const. Springer: Oh, we don't have gunfighters up here.

Ben: No?

Billy: How come?

Const. Springer: There's no need. That's the difference.

Const. Springer: Well, doesn't it ever make you think though?

Ben: About what?

Const. Springer: That you have to tie a gun to your leg wherever you go.

Ben: You mean you don't here?

Const. Springer: No.

Billy: Why?

Const. Springer: The force. You see, we arrived in this territory long before any whites moved in. The law got here first, you might say. It's the other way around in your country. The settlers come, crime gets out of hand. They pin a star on a man. Like it or not he gets the job done... but it sure makes for a lot of dead men in the street.

Ben: I had me a quiet woman once. Outside, she was as calm as Sunday... but inside, wild as mountain scenery.

Ben: It just so happens that there are ten women for every man in Sonora.

Billy: Who said?

Ben: I said! I oughta know - I've been through over half of 'em. Been there yet if I hadn't pulled a leg muscle.