Beavis Quotes in Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996)

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, this book kicks ass. There's this talking snake, and a naked chick, and then this dude puts a leaf on his schlong.

Butt-head: Cool.

Beavis: Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair. We've traveled, um, a hundred miles 'cause we thought we were gonna score. But now it's not gonna happen. Damn it!

Bus Driver: Hey, buddy, sit down.

Beavis: Shut up, ass-wipe! I'm sick and tired of this! We're never gonna score. It's just not gonna happen! We're just gonna get old like these people... but they've probably scored!

Bus Driver: Hey, I'm warning you! SIT DOWN!

Beavis: [motioning to Martha] It's, like, this chick's a slut. And look at this guy. He's old, but he's probably scored a million times!

Old Guy: [nodding] Oh, yeah.

Beavis: But not us. We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score! We're never gonna score!

David VanDriessen: You know, this could be a real positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover that we don't need TV to entertain us.

Butt-head: Huh huh huh. He said, "Anus."

Beavis: Entertain us, anus. Oh, yeah.

David VanDriessen: Have you guys heard a word I've said?

Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Anus.

Beavis: [chuckling] Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I heard it, too.

David VanDriessen: Look, guys, just take the TV back to the AV room right now. And try to be a little more open to life's experiences, okay?

Butt-head: What a dork.

Muddy Grimmes: You got any last words before I kill you?

Butt-head: I have a couple. Butt cheeks.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And, uh, and boobs. I just wanna say that again. Boobs.

Muddy Grimmes: I'm gonna blow you both to hell, that's what I'm gonna do!

Butt-head: Cool.

Beavis: I am the great Cornholio. I need T.P. for my bunghole.

Little Old Lady: Oh, hello, there. Are you two heading for Las Vegas?

Beavis: Yeah. We're gonna score.

Little Old Lady: Oh, well, I hope to score big there, myself. I'm mostly gonna be doing the slots.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. I'm hoping to do some sluts, too. Yeah. Do they have a lot of sluts in Las Vegas?

Little Old Lady: Oh, there are so many slots, you won't know where to begin.

Beavis: Whoa. Hey, Butt-Head, this chick is pretty cool. She says there's gonna be tons of sluts in Las Vegas.

Butt-head: Cool.

Little Old Lady: It's so nice to meet young men who are so well-mannered.

Beavis: Yeah. I'm gonna have money and a big screen TV and there's gonna be sluts everywhere. It's gonna rule.

Little Old Lady: Well, that's nice.

Beavis: This sucks. It's all hot and stuff.

Butt-head: This desert is stupid. They need to put a drinking fountain out here.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Or, like a 7-Eleven or something.

Agent Fleming: Give us the unit!

Beavis: Why does everybody want to see my schlong?

Bill Clinton: In recognition of your great service, I'm appointing you honorary agents in the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

Butt-head: Whoa. Alcohol and tobacco?

Beavis: Yeah. And firearms! Yeah.

Bill Clinton: Cool, huh?

Butt-head: Cigarettes and beer kick ass.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. We're in the bureau of beer and fire and cigarettes. And maybe some chicks, too.

Beavis: You must bow down to the almighty bunghole!

Butt-head's Dad: [sitting around a camp fire eating beans] Hey, you want to see something really cool?

[farts over camp fire which creates a fiery mushroom cloud]

Beavis: FIRE!

Muddy Grimmes: I'll pay you 10 grand plus expenses, all payable after you do her.

Butt-head: Uh, do her?

Muddy Grimmes: That's right, do her. I'm offering you $10,000 plus expenses to do my wife. We got a deal?

Beavis: Actually, we just want to watch TV.

Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. Uh... Yeah, we'll do your wife.

Beavis: No! I wanna watch TV!

Butt-head: [slaps Beavis] Damn it, Beavis, you butt-munch. This guy wants us to score with his wife, and he's gonna pay us. We can buy a new TV.

[Dallas Grimmes mistakes Beavis and Butt-head for hit men who are hunting her]

Dallas Grimmes: 10 grand?

[scoffs]

Dallas Grimmes: Oh, that cheap ass. All right, I've got a better deal for you. I'll double it. I'll pay you 20 if you go back there and do him.

Butt-head: You want us to do a guy? No way.

Beavis: I don't know, Butt-Head. That is a lot of money. Maybe if we close our eyes and pretend he's a chick.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, do you think we're ever going to score?

Butt-head: Uh, I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.

Beavis: Shut up, dillhole.

Butt-head: Butt dumpling.

Beavis: Turd burglar.

Butt-head: Uhhh... ass goblin.

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?

Butt-head: Uh, yep.

Beavis: 'Cause, um, I just need to stop by his toolshed for a few minutes.

Butt-head: [giggles] Tool.

Beavis: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Butt-head: Uh, do you know where Washington is?

Petrified Forest Recording: [Pointing to the desert] Uh, yeah. About two thousand miles that way.

Beavis: Thanks.

[walking down hallway of the White House, stops at picture of Nixon and stares at it]

Beavis: Are you threatening ME?

Little Old Lady: I'm sorry. You have to speak up, son. I have this ringing in my ears. My doctor says it could be related to my heart palpitations.

Beavis: Really? I poop too much.

Little Old Lady: Oh. Maybe you're lactose intolerant.

Beavis: I mean... No, no. I poop too much! And then I get tired.

Butt-head: [Beavis and Butt-Head roll the TV out of the school, it falls down the stairs and breaks] That was cool. Huh huh huh.

Beavis: No, it wasn't.

Butt-head: Uh, oh, yeah.

Butt-head: This is gonna be cool. We're gonna get paid to score.

Beavis: Yeah. Then we're gonna get a big-screen TV, with two remotes.

Butt-head: Beavis, this is the greatest day of our lives.

[in a church confession booth]

Man: I'm sorry. How many Hail Marys?

Beavis: A thousand. And I want you to hit yourself, right now.

Man: Um, now?

Beavis: Yeah. Do it.

[the man hits himself]

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder.

Marcie Anderson: They're here to look at the TV, Tom.

Tom Anderson: What? The TV ain't broken.

Beavis: Uh, yeah it is.

Butt-head: [over loudspeaker] Uh, attention. Attention. We're looking for the chick with big boobs.

Beavis: [over loudspeaker] Yeah. We are ready to do you now.

Butt-head, Beavis: Uh-huh-huh-huh.

Senators: Uh-huh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh.

[after Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room]

Muddy Grimmes: Man, Earl said you guys were young, but, jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names?

Butt-head: Uh, Butt-head.

Beavis: Oh, I'm Beavis.

Muddy Grimmes: Well, that's all right. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. Mine's Muddy.

Tom Anderson: What in the hell is that damn noise?

[goes inside his camper and sees Beavis]

Tom Anderson: What?

Beavis: Hey, how's it going?

Tom Anderson: Pull your damn pants up, boy! I don't want to see that. Damn it, get out of here!

Tom Anderson: [throws Beavis out of camper] And if I ever catch you whacking in here again, I'm gonna hogtie you.

Beavis: Check it out, Butt-Head, Porta-potties.

Butt-head: Cool. I gotta take a dump.

[they go inside confession booths]

Butt-head: Uh... Where's the toilet?

Beavis: [Notices a vulture tugging at his body] Cut it out butt-hole!

[punches it]

[repeated line]

Beavis: I am Cornholio!

President Clinton: Beavis and Butt-head, on behalf of your fellow Americans I extend my deepest thanks. You exemplify a fine new crop of young Americans who will grow into the leaders of this great country.

Butt-head: Huh huh huh huh. He said, "extend."

Beavis: Oh, yeah.

Hoover Dam Guide: Now, can anybody tell me how much energy it takes to power Las Vegas?

Beavis: Yeah, I just have a question. Um, is this a God dam?

[last lines]

Beavis: Hey, Butt-Head, do you think we're gonna ever score?

Butt-head: I probably will, but not you. You're too much of a butt-monkey.

Beavis: Shut up, dillhole.

Butt-head: Butt-dumpling.

Beavis: Turd burglar.

Butt-head: Uh, ass goblin.

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-Head. Hey, doesn't Tom Anderson live on this street?

Butt-head: Uh, yeah.

Beavis: 'Cause, I just need to stop by his tool shed for a couple minutes.

[laughs]

Beavis: You know what I'm saying?

Butt-head: Tool.

[Getting back on the bus]

Butt-head: Wait a minute. We can't leave Washington till we find that chick.

Little Old Lady: Oh, we're a long way from Washington, Bob. This is the Hoover Dam.

Beavis: Dam? Heh heh. I'll be damned.

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, are we gonna die?

Butt-head: Uh... Probably.

David VanDriessen: You know, this could be really positive experience for you guys. There's a wonderful and exciting world out there when we discover we don't need TV to entertain us.

Butt-head: Uh-huh huh huh! He said "anus"!

Beavis: "Entert-ain us", "ainus". Oh yeah! *laughs*

David VanDriessen: *sigh* Have you guys heard a word I've said?

Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah! Anus! *laughs*

Beavis: Yeah! I heard it too! *laughs*

Concierge: [leading Beavis and Butt-head into their room] I'm sorry about that little misunderstanding, gentlemen. We didn't realize you were registered guests. If there's anything we can do to...

Beavis: [sees TV and remote attached to table, tries to lift it] Damn it. This thing is stuck.

Concierge: Sir, it's attached to the...

Butt-head: You dumb-ass, let me try.

Beavis: [stops] Hey, check it out. That guy's still standing there.

[Concierge holds out hand, expecting tip]

Butt-head: Uhh, could you, like, not stand there and stuff?

Butt-head: [as soon as concierge leaves] Some people are dumb.

[noticing the open door, the stolen T.V., and the broken window]

Butt-head: Whoa. I think just figured something out, Beavis.

Beavis: What?

Butt-head: This sucks.

Beavis: Yeah. It really sucks.

Butt-head: This sucks more than anything that's ever sucked before. We must find this butt-hole that took our TV.

Beavis: Something's wrong with my butt.

Butt-head: Your butt sucks.

Beavis: [starting to hallucinate] Hey Butt-head I'm starting to feel weird, I think I'm freaking out!

Butt-head: Uh?, Okay.

Beavis: This is cool! It's like everything's all weird and stuff, there's like all these weird shapes, it's sort of like, it's like... um like a music video!

[hallucinates that Butt-head is melting and demons are crawling out of his body]

Beavis: Woah, what are you doing Butt-head?, stop it you're freaking me out, cut it out!

[Arriving at the Hoover Dam]

Beavis: We're in Washington.

Butt-head: Yeah, yeah, we're gonna score.

Little Old Lady: Actually, son, we're at the Hoover Dam.

Beavis: No, no. We're in WASHINGTON!

Butt-head: Yeah. WE'RE GONNA SCORE NOW!

Ranger at Old Faithful: There are over 200 active geysers in Yellowstone Park. Old Faithful here is one of the largest. During an eruption, the geyser can reach as high as 200 feet.

Butt-head: So?

Ranger at Old Faithful: The - the geyser shoots out over 12,000 gallons in a single eruption.

Beavis: That's not that much, really.

Butt-head: Yeah, really. Let's get out of here. Uh-huh-huh-huh.

Beavis: [after spitting soda on Mr. Anderson's TV] Aaaahh! This crap is warm!

Butt-head: Beavis, you butthole, you broke it.

Beavis: Aaah, no! Dammit!

Dallas Grimmes: [Grabs Beavis and Butthead and holds a gun on them] Alright who are you? CIA? FBI? ATF?

Beavis: Hey Butthead it's her!

Butt-head: Whoa! Uh, huh huh hey baby are we like, going to do it? Uh,huh,huh huh,

Dallas Grimmes: [cocks the gun] You got two seconds!

Butt-head: Uh, is that going to be enough time?

Dallas Grimmes: [grabs him and pulls him up to her] Who sent you?

Butt-head: Uh, this drunk dude, he said he was going to pay us to do you

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, heh, heh, yeah!

[laughs]

Dallas Grimmes: Muddy, son of a bitch!

Butt-head: It's like it's coming out of its ass, but then it's, like, also coming out of the ass of the ass.

Beavis: It's like the poop's coming out of the ass of the ass. Yeah.

Ian: You're on the air!

Butt-head: [on phone] Whoa! Am I on the air?

Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, give me the phone.

Ian: [to Beavis and Butt-head] What? Am I speaking English, what did I just say dipshit?

Chazz: So, what do you guys want?

Butt-head: You guys are, like, The Lone Rangers, right?

Chazz: Yes.

Butt-head: We saw you guys at The Wheel Well last month. You suck!

Rex: Hey, come down here and say that, you punks!

Chazz: Yeah, well, you can kiss my ass.

Butt-head: Why don't you make the chicks get naked?

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Naked!