Batman Quotes in Justice League (2017)

Commissioner Gordon: [to Batman] Good to see you playing with others again.

Aquaman: [approaches and sizes Batman up] Dressed like a bat. I dig it.

Batman: [to Gordon] It may be temporary...

Alfred Pennyworth: Were you looking at the old family pictures again?

Batman: At the what? The old family... Oh, yes! I see what you mean. Look at that! The old gang. Yeah. No, I wasn't.

Alfred Pennyworth: I see. Sir, if you don't mind my saying, I'm a little concerned. I've seen you go through similar phases in 2016 and 2012 and 2008 and 2005 and 1997 and 1995 and 1992 and 1989 and that weird one in 1966. Do you want to talk about how you're feeling right now?

Batman: I don't talks about feelings, Alfred. I don't have any, I've never seen one. I'm a night-stalking, crime-fighting vigilante, and a heavy metal rapping machine. I don't feel anything emotionally, except for rage. 24/7, 365, at a million percent. And if you think that there's something behind that, then you're crazy. Good night, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth: Sir, it's morning.

Robin: My name's Richard Grayson, but all the kids at the orphanage call me Dick.

Batman: Well, children can be cruel.

[first lines]

Batman: [voice over] Black. All important movies start with a black screen... And music... Edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous... And logos... Really long and dramatic logos... Warner Bros. Why not "Warner Brothers"? I don't know... DC... The house that Batman built. Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I'm your Kryptonite... Hmm... Not sure what RatPac does, but that logo is macho. I dig it... Okay. Get yourself ready for some... reading. "If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. Hooo." No. I said that. Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack. Yeah, I've got an extra ab. Now, let's start the movie.

[from trailer]

Batgirl: Why did you build this thing with only one seat?

Batman: Because last I checked I only had one butt

Computer: What is the password?

Batman: Iron Man sucks.

[from trailer]

Robin: What?

[Sees Batcave]

Robin: It's the Batcave! Ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygooo-!

[Bumps into Batman]

Robin: Batman, woah!

Batman: You're darn right, woah!

Robin: Wait, does Batman live in Bruce Wayne's basement?

Batman: No, Bruce Wayne lives in Batman's attic.

The Joker: [from trailer] You wanna play games, do you Batman? Save the city or catch your greatest enemy!

Batman: You think you're my greatest enemy?

The Joker: Who else drives you to one-up them the way I do?

Batman: Superman.

The Joker: Superman's not a bad guy!

Batman: I like to fight around.

The Joker: You're seriously saying that there's nothing special about us?

Batman: There is no "us". Never will be.

The Joker: Are you seriously saying there is nothing, nothing special about our relationship?

Batman: Whoa. Let me tell you something, J-bird. Batman doesn't do 'ships.

The Joker: [Confused] What?

Batman: As in "relationships." There is no "us." Batman and Joker are not a thing. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. No one does.

Batman: [from trailer] Hey mom, hey dad, I um, I saved the city again today, I think you would have been really proud.

Batman: What am I gonna do? Get a bunch of criminals together to fight the criminals? That's a stupid idea.

Batman: [from trailer] I deserve this today, today I deserve it.

[eats lobster]

Robin: Hey, I was thinking. If I'm gonna be a superhero, and go on awesome superhero missions like this one, can we use code names? Mine can be Robin.

Batman: I'm sorry, say that again?

Robin: Robin.

Batman: As in the small, Midwestern frail bird?

Robin: Yeah, and I already have a catch phrase. Tweet, tweet, on the street.

Batman: Hard pass.

Robin: And a song.

[singing]

Robin: Fly, Robin, fly.

Batman: Harder pass.

The Joker: It's gotta be one or the other, Batman. Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy. You can't do both.

Batman: I'm sorry, what did you just say?

The Joker: You can't do both, I said.

Batman: No, I mean the other thing.

The Joker: Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy.

Batman: You think you're my greatest enemy?

The Joker: Yes! You're obsessed with me!

Batman: [blows a raspberry] No, I'm not.

The Joker: Yes you are.

Batman: No I'm not.

The Joker: Yes, you are! Who else drives you to one-up them the way that I do?

Batman: Bane.

The Joker: No, he doesn't.

Batman: Superman.

The Joker: Superman's not a bad guy!

Batman: [Batman's song] Who never skips leg day?

Chorus: Batman!

Batman: Who always pays their taxes?

Batman, Chorus: Not Batman!

Batman: [to Joker] You're the reason why I get up at 4:00 in the afternoon and pump iron until my chest is positively sick.

Batman: [from trailer]

[Kicks Alfred into piano]

Batman: Alfred, I am so sorry. I have incredible reflexes.

Alfred Pennyworth: I should have known better than to sneak up on you, Master Bruce.

Barbara Gordon: Why did you build this thing with only one seat?

Batman: 'Cause last time I checked, I only have one butt.

[from trailer]

Batman: Hey, 'puter, I'm home.

[echoes]

Computer: Welcome home, sir. Initializing Batcave music. So, did anything exciting happened today?

Batman: I saved the city again. It was off the chain. Anyway, I should probably have some grub.

Computer: Alfred left your lobster thermidor in the fridge.

Batman: Oh, that's my favorite. I can't wait.

[Batman puts the lobster in the microwave, and mistakenly sets it up for 20 minutes]

Batman: Not 20 minutes. Stupid.

[He sets it up for 2 minutes and presses the start button as the microwave heats up Batman's lobster for 2 minutes]

Barbara Gordon: Is that your son?

Robin: Yes, I am!

Batman: [laughs nervously] Is that my son? No, that's just weird.

Barbara Gordon: It's weirder if it's not your son.

Batgirl: Engine one down.

Batman: Not a big deal. Don't worry about it. It's fine.

Batgirl: Engine two down.

Batman: It does that sometimes.

Batgirl: We've lost engine three.

Batman: Oh, could live without it.

Batgirl: Engine four!

Batman: That I do need to fix.

Batman: Batman's life lesson number two. Vigilantes don't have bedtimes.

Robin: Yes! So, what's the vigilante policy on cookies?

Batman: Unlimited!

Batman: So, are you ready to follow Batman and maybe learn a few life lessons along the way?

Robin: I sure am, Dad Two! But first, where's the seat-belt?

Batman: The first lesson is, life doesn't give you seat-belts! Let's go!

Robin: Wow! Look, it's the Bat-Sub!

Batman: Wait, don't touch that!

Robin: Over there! It's the Bat-Space Shuttle!

Batman: Please keep your hands off that.

Robin: Look, it's the Bat-Zeppelin!

Batman: Don't touch that, either!

Robin: It's the Bat-Train!

Batman: No!

Robin: It's the Bat-Kayak!

Batman: No!

Robin: It's the Bat-Dune Buggy!

Batman: No!

Robin: It's the Bat... Shark Repellent?

Batman: [pause] Uh, actually, you can touch that. It's completely useless.

Batman: All righ, kid. We need to avoid Commissioner Gordon. So, lesson number three. When going stealth, you gotta hide every part of you, physically and emotionally. Got it?

Robin: Yeah!

[last lines]

Batman: [laughing] Wow, that was fun! Really hope nobody was recording that. Let me see. Oh, this thing is on. This thing is recording.

Batman: Batman: So, when going stealth you've got to hide every part of you physically and emotionally.

Robin: Robin:

[Robin runs behind trash can]

Robin: Yeah!

[Voice echoes through trash can]

Batman: Batman: Already failed.

The Joker: Madam Mayor! Thanks for dropping by.

Mayor McCaskill: I've only got one thing to say to you, Joker.

The Joker: Well, you'd better make it fast.

Mayor McCaskill: Do you like to gamble?

The Joker: Oh, I certainly do.

Mayor McCaskill: Do you ever play roulette?

The Joker: On occasion.

Mayor McCaskill: Well, let me give you a word of advice.

The Joker: I'm all ears.

Mayor McCaskill: When playing roulette...

The Joker: Yes?

[the Mayor pulls her mask off, revealing herself to be Batman in disguise]

Batman: Always bet on black.

Robin: Woo-hoo! A month ago, I had no dads. Then I had one dad. Now I have two dads, and one of them is Batman!

Batman: Yeah!

Robin: [singing] It's raining dads...

Batman: I bet your parents taught you that you mean something, that you're here for a reason. My parents taught me a different lesson, dying in the gutter for no reason at all... They taught me the world only makes sense if you force it to.

Superman: Next time they shine your light in the sky, don't go to it. The Bat is dead. Bury it. Consider this mercy.

[Superman begins to walk away]

Batman: Tell me. Do you bleed?

[Superman flies away as Batman watches on]

Batman: You will.

Batman: It's okay, I'm a friend of your son's.

Martha Kent: [grins] I figured. The cape.

Batman: You're not brave... men are brave. You say that you want to help people, but you can't feel their pain... their mortality... It's time you learn what it means to be a man.

[from trailer]

Batman: It's time you learned what it means to be a man.

Superman: Stay down! If I wanted it, you'd be dead already!

Batman: You're not brave. Men are brave.

[from trailer]

Batman: Twenty years in Gotham. How many good guys are left? How many stayed that way? He has the power to wipe out the entire human race. I have to destroy him.

[first lines]

Batman: There was a time above... a time before... there were perfect things... diamond absolutes. But things fall... things on earth. And what falls... is fallen. In the dream, it took me to the light. A beautiful lie.

Batman: Whatever you do, wherever you go, I will be watching you.

Lex Luthor: But the bell's already been rung.

Superman: Luthor. He wanted your life for her's. She's losing time.

Lois Lane: The scout ship seems to be drawing power from the city. It's gotta be Lex.

Batman: They need you at that ship. I'll find her.

Superman: My mother needs me.

Batman: [stops him] Wait. I'll make you a promise: Martha won't die tonight.

Wonder Woman: This thing, this creature, seems to feed on energy.

Superman: This thing is from another world. My world.

Wonder Woman: I've killed things from other worlds before.

Superman: [to Batman] Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you.

[Superman enters from the sky]

Batman: Well, here I am!

Anatoli Knyazev: Drop it. I said drop it! I'll kill her! Believe me, I'll do it!

Batman: I believe you.

Batman: [suffocating Superman with his foot on his throat] You were never a god. You were never even a man!

Superman: [hardly breathing] You're letting them kill Martha...

Batman: What does that mean? Why did you say that name?

Superman: Find him... Save Martha...

Batman: Why did you say that name? Martha? Why did you say that name? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

Lois Lane: [enters running] It's his mother's name! It's his mother's name.

Superman: You don't understand, there's no time!

Batman: I UNDERSTAND!

[Doomsday jumps in front of the Batmobile]

Batman: Oh, shit.

Batman: Whatever you do, wherever you go, I'll be watching you!

[holds his bat-brand up to Luthor's face]

Lex Luthor: This is how it all caves in, civilization on the wane, manners out the window. But who would believe me, I... I'm insane. I'm not even fit to stand trial.

Batman: That's right. We have hospitals who treat the mentally ill with compassion...

[Lex chuckles nervously]

Batman: ...but that's not where you're going. I've arranged for you to get a transfer to Arkham Asylum in Gotham. I still have some friends there. They're expecting you.

Alfred: Master Wayne.

Batman: Alfred.

Alfred: I'm sorry for listening in but I've tracked the Russian's phone to a warehouse near the port. You're locked onto it.

Batman: I don't deserve you, Alfred.

Alfred: No, sir, you don't.

Batman: [in the interrogation room] Then why do you want to kill me?

The Joker: [giggling] I don't, I don't want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You... you... complete me.

Batman: You're garbage who kills for money.

The Joker: Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.

Batman: [as Joker is holding Rachel out a window] Let her go!

The Joker: [giving him a look] Very poor choice of words...

Batman: Sometimes the truth isn't good enough, sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded...

Batman: [in the back of a factory at 250 52nd Street] What happened to Rachel wasn't chance. We decided to act! We three!

Two-Face: Then why was it me who was the only one who lost everything?

Batman: It wasn't.

Two-Face: The Joker chose ME!

Batman: Because you were the best of us! He wanted to prove that even someone as good as you could fall.

Two-Face: [bitter] And he was right.

The Joker: [while hanging upside down] Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You truly are incorruptible, aren't you? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.

Batman: You'll be in a padded cell forever.

The Joker: Maybe we can share one. You know, they'll be doubling up, the rate this city's inhabitants are losing their minds.

Batman: This city just showed you that it's full of people ready to believe in good.

The Joker: Until their spirit breaks completely. Until they get a good look at the real Harvey Dent, and all the heroic things he's done. You didn't think I'd risk losing the battle for Gotham's soul in a fistfight with you? No. You need an ace in the hole. Mine's Harvey.

Batman: What did you do?

The Joker: I took Gotham's white knight and I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!

[the Joker laughs hysterically as Batman races off and the cops come to take the Joker into custody]

The Joker: [during the fundraiser party held for Harvey Dent] You know, I'll settle for his loved ones.

Gentleman at Party: We're not intimidated by thugs!

The Joker: [as he smacks his lips] You know, you remind me of my father.

[the Joker pulls out his switchblade and brings it to the Gentleman's mouth]

The Joker: I hated my father!

Rachel Dawes: [off-screen] Okay, stop!

[turns to face Rachel, tosses the Gentleman to his thugs and approaches Rachel, adjusting his hair with the knife]

The Joker: Well, hello, beautiful. You must be Harvey's squeeze. And you *are* beautiful.

[he walks around her]

The Joker: Oh, you look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got 'em?

[He grabs Rachel's head and positions the knife by her mouth]

The Joker: Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife. She was beautiful, like you. Who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks. One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can't take it. I just want to see her smile again. I just want her to know that I don't care about the scars. So... I stick a razor in my mouth and do this...

[the Joker mimics slicing his mouth open with his tongue]

The Joker: ...to myself. And you know what? She can't stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I'm always smiling!

[Rachel knees the Joker in the groin; he merely laughs it off]

The Joker: A little fight in you. I like that.

Batman: [off-screen] Then you're gonna love me.

[attacks him]

The Joker: [SPOILER] We really should stop this fighting, otherwise we'll miss the fireworks!

Batman: [while being pinned down on the platform next to the ledge of a building that's still under construction] There won't *be* any fireworks!

The Joker: And here... we... go!

[Silence. Nothing happens. Confused, Joker turns to look at the clock, which shows that it's past midnight and neither ferry has blown the other up]

Batman: [triumphantly] What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone's as ugly as you? You're alone!

The Joker: [sighs] Can't rely on anyone these days, you have to do everything yourself, don't we!

The Joker: Don't talk like one of them, you're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me. They need you right now. But when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper. See, their morals, their code... it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you, when the chips are down, these... these civilized people? They'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster, I'm just ahead of the curve.

Batman: [grabs Joker] Where's Dent?

The Joker: You have all these rules and you think they'll save you!

Lt. James Gordon: [as Batman slams Joker into the wall] He's in control.

Batman: I have one rule.

The Joker: Oh, then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.

Batman: [getting impatient] Which is?

The Joker: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.

[mimicking Batman's voice]

The Joker: And tonight you're gonna break your one rule.

Batman: I'm considering it.

The Joker: Oh, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you wanna save one of them.

Batman: [softly, fearful] Them?

The Joker: You know for awhile there, I thought you really were Dent. The way you threw yourself after her.

[Joker laughs, Batman throws Joker on table, barricades door]

The Joker: Look at you go! Does Harvey know about you and his little bunny?

Batman: [slams Joker into mirror] Where are they?

The Joker: Killing is making a choice.

Batman: [punches Joker] Where are they?

The Joker: Choose between one life or the other. Your friend, the district attorney, or his blushing bride-to-be...

[punches Joker]

The Joker: [laughs] You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with! Nothing to do with all your strength!

[grabs Joker]

The Joker: Don't worry, I'm gonna tell you where they are. Both of them. And that's the point. You'll have to choose. He's at 250 52ND Street and she's on Avenue X, at Cicero.

Batman: [about the Joker] Where is he?

Salvatore Maroni: I don't know where he is, he found us!

Batman: He must have friends!

Salvatore Maroni: [incredulous] Friends? Have you met this guy?

Two-Face: You thought we could be decent men, in an indecent time! But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance. Unbiased, unprejudiced... fair. His son's got the same chance she had. Fifty-fifty.

Batman: What happened to Rachel wasn't chance. We decided to act. We three.

Two-Face: Then why was it me who was the only one who lost everything?

Batman: [grieved] It wasn't...

The Joker: It's a funny world we live in. Speaking of which, do you know how I got these scars?

Batman: [while being pinned down on the platform next to the ledge of a building that's still under construction] No! But I know how you got these!

[fires gauntlet blades into Joker's face]

Salvatore Maroni: [Batman holds him out over a ledge] From one professional to another, if you're trying to scare somebody, pick a better spot. From this height, the fall wouldn't kill me.

Batman: I'm counting on it.

[he drops Maroni off the ledge, breaking his legs]

Batman: in the interrogation roomWhere is Dent?

The Joker: You have all these rules and you think they'll save you.

Lt. James Gordon: [Batman slams the Joker against a wall] He's in control.

Batman: I have one rule.

The Joker: Oh, then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.

Batman: Which is?

The Joker: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.

[mimicking Batman's voice]

The Joker: And tonight you're gonna break your one rule!

Batman: I'm considering it.

The Joker: Oh, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you want to save one of them.

Batman: [softly, fearful] Them?

The Joker: You know for a while there, I thought you really were Dent. The way you threw yourself after her!

Batman: Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough.

[insert cut: Alfred burns the envelope from Rachel]

Batman: Sometimes, people deserve more.

[Batman has just fought off Scarecrow and a group of Batman wannabes]

Batman: Don't let me find you out here again.

Brian: We're trying to help you!

Batman: I don't need help.

Dr. Jonathan Crane: Not my diagnosis!

Brian: What gives you the right? What's the difference between you and me?

[Batman lowers himself into the Batmobile]

Batman: I'm not wearing hockey pads!

Batman: [about Lau] If I get him to you, can you get him to talk?

Harvey Dent: I'll get him to sing.

Lt. James Gordon: We're going after the mob's life savings. Things will get ugly.

Harvey Dent: I knew the risks when I took this job, Lieutenant.

[turns back to Batman]

Harvey Dent: How will you get him back any...

[Batman has disappeared]

Lt. James Gordon: He does that.

Batman: [to the Joker in the interrogation room] You wanted me, here I am.

Batman: [in the back of a factory at 250 52nd Street] You don't want to hurt the boy, Harvey.

Two-Face: It's not about what I want, it's about what's fair!

Lt. James Gordon: [in the back of a factory at 250 52nd Street] They'll hunt you.

Batman: You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me. Set the dogs on me. Because that's what needs to happen.

Two-Face: The joker chose me!

Batman: Because you were the best of us. He wanted to prove that even someone as good as you could fall.

Two-Face: And he was right.

Batman: You're the one pointing the gun, Harvey. So point it at the people responsible.

Two-Face: Fair enough.

[to Batman]

Two-Face: You first.

[Flips the coin]

Two-Face: [Shoots Batman and points the gun at himself]

Two-Face: My turn.

[after Batman saves Rachel from falling out of a window]

Batman: [after landing on the roof of a car] You all right?

Rachel Dawes: [lying next to each other] Let's not do that again.

Batman: [seeing the wall of monitors for the first time at the Applied Sciences division in Wayne Enterprises] Beautiful, isn't it?

Lucius Fox: Beautiful... unethical... dangerous. You've turned every cellphone in Gotham into a microphone.

Batman: And a high-frequency generator-receiver.

Lucius Fox: You took my sonar concept and applied it to every phone in the city. With half the city feeding you sonar, you can image all of Gotham. This is *wrong*.

Batman: I've gotta find this man, Lucius.

Lucius Fox: At what cost?

Batman: The database is null-key encrypted. It can only be accessed by one person.

Lucius Fox: This is too much power for one person.

Batman: That's why I gave it to you. Only you can use it.

Lucius Fox: Spying on 30 million people isn't part of my job description.

[first lines]

Robin: [checking out the Batmobile] I want a car. Chicks dig the car.

Batman: This is why Superman works alone.

Batman: Hey, Freeze. The heat is on.

Batman: Hi, Freeze. I'm Batman.

[slides down dinosaur statue]

Mr. Freeze: You're not sending ME to the COOLER!

Robin: I could have made that jump!

Batman: And you could have splattered your brains all over the side of the building.

Robin: You know, in the circus, the Flying Graysons were a team. We had to trust each person to do their jobs. That's what being partners is all about. Sometimes, counting on someone else is the only way you win.

Batman: Your head wasn't even on the job. All you could think about was Poison Ivy.

Robin: You just can't stand it! Maybe she wanted me instead of you. I mean, this is your idea of friendship, isn't it, Bruce? It's your house, it's your rules, it's your way to the highway! It's Batman and Robin, not Robin and Batman, and I'm sick of it!

Batman: Yes, it's my rules. *My* rules to keep us alive, and if you want to stay in this house, and on this team, you will abide by them!

Robin: This is no partnership. You're never gonna trust me!

Batman: And you are...?

Batgirl: Batgirl.

Batman: That's not very PC. What about Batwoman, or Batperson?

Batgirl: Bruce, it's me, Barbara. I found the Batcave.

Robin: We gotta get those locks changed.

Batman: She knows who we are.

Robin: I guess we'll just have to kill her.

Batman: Yep, we'll kill her later, we've got work to do.

Batman: [to Robin] You get the ice, I'll get the Ice Man.

[talking about Poison Ivy]

Robin: I can't believe we were fighting over a bad guy!

Batman: Bad- Yes. Guy? No.

Robin: Well I'm totally over her, alright? Positively!

Batman: Me too! Definitely!

[pause]

Batman: Great stems, though...

Robin: Buds, too.

Batman: Yeah, those were nice...

Batman: Who invited you?

Robin: I was just hanging around.

Batman: I thought you were gonna stay in the museum. Round up some thugs.

Robin: How 'bout, "Nice to see ya? Glad you're here to save my life."

Robin: Nice catch.

Batman: You break it, you buy it.

Robin: She knows who we are. Guess we'll have to kill her.

Batman: Yep, we'll kill her later. We've got work to do.

Mr. Freeze: Uh-oh!

Batman: I'm putting you on ice.

Robin: Where's the snowman?

Batgirl: Maybe he melted.

Batman: No, he's just hibernating.

[Batman has taken beating from Bane and lies stunned on the ground. Ivy moves over to him]

Poison Ivy: [standing over Batman] There's something about an anatomically correct...

Poison Ivy: [she lies down next to him] ... rubber suit that puts *fire* in a girl's lips.

[Poison Ivy blows a cloud of lovedust in Batman's face]

Batman: [resisting] Why are all the gorgeous ones homicidal maniacs? Is it me?

Poison Ivy: [smiling seductively] Enough. Sweet talk...

Ivy: There's just something about an anatomically correct rubber suit that puts fire in a girl's lips.

Batman: Why is it that all the beautiful ones are homicidal maniacs? Is it me?

Batman: [Batman bids for Poison Ivy] One million dollars!

Robin: [as does Robin] Two million!

Batman: You don't have it. Three million!

Robin: I'll borrow it from you! Four million!

Batman: Five million!

Robin: That's a utility belt not a money belt. Six million.

[Batman looks at Robin and then produces something from said-belt]

Batman: [firmly] Seven million.

[it's a credit card blazed with the Bat symbol. Expiration date: FOREVER]

Batman: Never leave the cave without it!

Poison Ivy: [amused by the squabble she's caused] You two boys aren't going to start fighting over little old me, now are you?

Batman: Vengeance isn't power. Anyone can take a life.But to give life... that's true power.

Jim Gordon: I never cared who you were...

Batman: And you were right.

Jim Gordon: ...but shouldn't the people know the hero whot saved them?

Batman: A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a coat around a young boy's shoulders to let him know that the world hadn't ended.

[takes off in the Bat]

Jim Gordon: Bruce Wayne?

Bane: Theatricality and deception are powerful agents to the uninitiated... but we are initiated, aren't we Bruce? Members of the League of Shadows!

[Lifts Batman by the neck]

Bane: And you betrayed us!

Batman: You were excommunicated... by a gang of psychopaths!

[Bane viciously beats Batman and throws him to the ground]

Bane: I AM the League of Shadows, and I'm here to fulfill Ra's al Ghul's destiny!

Bane: You fight like a younger man, with nothing held back. Admirable but mistaken.

[Batman uses an EMP device to cut the lights]

Bane: Oh, you think darkness is your ally. But you merely adopted the dark; I was born in it, moulded by it. I didn't see the light until I was already a man, by then it was nothing to me but BLINDING!

[grabs Batman from the shadows and continues to beat him]

Bane: The shadows betray you, because they belong to me!

[repeatedly punches Batman in the face, breaking his cowl]

Bane: I will show you where I have made my home while preparing to bring justice. Then I will break you.

[hits detonator, blowing a hole into the bottom of Wayne Enterprise]

Bane: Your precious armory, gratefully accepted! We will need it.

[Batman desperately stands and swings at Bane]

Bane: Ah, yes... I was wondering what would break first...

[lifts Batman high]

Bane: Your spirit, or your body?

[slams him on his knee]

Catwoman: My mother warned me about getting into cars with strange men.

Batman: This isn't a car.

Catwoman: I blow that tunnel open, I'm gone.

Batman: There's more to you than that.

Catwoman: Sorry I keep letting you down.

[pause]

Catwoman: Come with me. Save yourself. You don't owe these people any more. You've given them everything.

Batman: Not everything. Not yet.

[Batman and Selina have just escaped from Bane and his mercenaries in the Bat. Batman lands it on top of a skyscraper and Selina immediately hops out]

Catwoman: See you around.

Batman: You're welcome.

Catwoman: I had it under control.

Batman: Those weren't street thugs, they were trained killers. I saved your life. In return I need to know what you did with Bruce Wayne's fingerprints.

Catwoman: Wayne wasn't kidding about a "powerful friend".

[beat]

Catwoman: I sold his prints to Daggett. For something that doesn't even exist.

Batman: I doubt many people get the better of you.

Catwoman: Hey, when a girl's desperate.

Batman: What's he gonna to do with them?

Catwoman: I don't know. But Daggett seemed pretty interested in that mess at the stock market.

[Batman is distracted by the spotlight of a police chopper doing the rounds. He looks up at it, then turns back to Selina]

Batman: Miss Kyle?

[Catwoman has vanished]

Batman: So that's what that feels like...

Catwoman: I had no choice. I needed a way to keep them from killing me.

Batman: You just made a serious mistake.

Bane: Not as serious as yours, I fear...

Batman: Bane

Bane: Let us not stand on ceremony, Mr. Wayne.

[Catwoman appears shocked]

Bane: I broke you. How have you come back?

Batman: You think you're the only one who can find the strength to escape? Where's the trigger?

Bane: But I never escaped.

Batman: But the child... the child of Ra's al Ghul made the climb.

Miranda Tate: [from behind Batman] But he's not the child of Ra's al Ghul

[She stabs Batman with a knife. He reels in pain and shock]

Miranda Tate: I am. And though I'm not ordinary, I am a citizen.

[She reveals the trigger]

Batman: [anguished] Miranda... why?

Miranda Tate: Talia. My mother named me Talia before she was killed, the way I would've been killed if not for my protector: Bane.

Batman: Tell me where the trigger is. Then... you have my permission to die!

Catwoman: You could have gone anywhere, but you came back.

Batman: So did you.

Catwoman: Well then I guess we're both suckers.

[she kisses him]

Batman: [Hands over device] This blocks the remote detonator signal to the bomb. Get it onto it before sunrise. They might hit the button when it starts.

Jim Gordon: When what starts?

Batman: War.

Catwoman: He's behind you.

Mercenary: Who?

Batman: Me.

Catwoman: [holding a gun to Daggett's head as Bane's henchmen approach her] Stay back!

[Bane's men continue to approach]

Catwoman: I'm not bluffing!

Batman: They know! They just don't care.

[Catwoman and Batman promptly attack the henchmen]

Bane: So, you came back to die with your city.

Batman: No. I came back to stop you.

[begin fighting]

Catwoman: [Batman kicks a gun out of Catwoman's hand] You've gotta be kidding me!

Batman: No guns, no killing.

Catwoman: Where's the fun in that?

[Talia's bomb has failed to detonate]

Batman: Maybee your knife... was too slow.

Mercenary: [entering] The truck is under attack.

Talia al Ghul: Gordon. You gave him a way to block my signal. No matter.

[she viciously pulls the knife out of Batman, making him groan in pain]

Talia al Ghul: He's bought Gotham eleven minutes.

Batman: He was trying to kill millions of innocent people

Talia al Ghul: 'Innocent' is a strong word to throw around Gotham, Bruce. I honor my father by finishing his work. Vengeance against the man who killed him is simply a reward for my patience...

[Talia twists the knife in Batman's side]

Talia al Ghul: You see, it's the slow knife... the knife that takes its time, the knife that waits years without forgetting, then slips quietly between the bones... that's the knife that cuts deepest.

Batman: [taps the Bat-signal] Nice.

Jim Gordon: I couldn't find any mob bosses.

Batman: Well, Sergeant?

Jim Gordon: Oh, it's Lieutenant now. You really started something. Bent cops running scared, hope on the streets.

Batman: But?

Jim Gordon: We still haven't picked up Crane or half the inmates of Arkham that he freed.

Batman: We will. We *can* bring Gotham back.

Jim Gordon: What about escalation?

Batman: Escalation?

Jim Gordon: We start carrying semi-automatics, they buy automatics. We start wearing Kevlar, they buy armor piercing rounds.

Batman: And?

Jim Gordon: And, you're wearing a mask. Jumping off rooftops. Now, take this guy.

[pulling out a file]

Jim Gordon: Armed robbery, double homicide, has a taste for the theatrical, like you. Leaves a calling card.

[shows Batman a plastic evidence bag containing a Joker card]

Batman: I'll look into it.

[turns away and walks to the edge of the roof]

Jim Gordon: I never said thank you.

Batman: [looks back at Gordon] And you'll never have to.

[last lines]

Jim Gordon: I never said thank you.

Batman: And you'll never have to.

Jumpy Thug: [screaming] WHERE ARE YOU?

Batman: [appears upside-down behind him, whispering] Here.

Batman: [meeting Gordon carrying an unconscious Rachel out of Arkham] How is she?

Jim Gordon: [handing Rachel over] She's fading. We gotta go. I'll get my car.

Batman: I brought mine.

Jim Gordon: Yours?

[Batmobile blasts out and races by]

Jim Gordon: I've gotta get me one of those.

Batman: [has laid a snare-trap which yanks Flass by his leg 70 feet into the air] Where were the other drugs going?

Flass: I never knew. I don't know. I swear to God...

Batman: Swear to *me*!

[He rapidly lowers a screaming Flass and then yanks him back up]

Flass: I don't... I don't know. I never knew. Never. They went to some guy for a couple of days before they went to the dealers.

Batman: Why?

Flass: There was something... Something else in the drugs... something hidden.

Batman: What?

Flass: I never went to the drop-off point. It was in the Narrows. Cops only go there when they're in force.

Batman: Do I look like a cop?

Flass: No...!

[rapidly lowers Flass once more before dropping him to the ground]

Carmine Falcone: [frantically loading his shotgun] What the hell are you?

[Batman breaks open the limo's sunroof and pulls Falcone out]

Batman: I'm Batman!

[Batman knocks Falcone out with a headbutt, then notices a bum watching him. The bum is wearing the coat Bruce gave him years ago]

Batman: Nice coat.

[Batman flies off with Falcone]

Homeless Man: Thanks.

Ra's al Ghul: You are just an ordinary man in a cape! That's why you couldn't fight injustice and that's why you can't stop this train!

Batman: Who said anything about stopping it?

[Ra's al Ghul looks up, confused, and sees his own sword jammed into the brake panel]

Jim Gordon: [blows up the train supports] Yes!

Batman: [reverses his grip and pins Ra's al Ghul to the floor] You never learned to mind your surroundings!

Batman: Falcone sent them to kill you.

Rachel Dawes: Why?

Batman: You rattled his cage.

[throws photos of Judge Faden with prostitutes]

Rachel Dawes: What's this?

Batman: Leverage.

Rachel Dawes: For what?

Batman: To get things moving.

Rachel Dawes: Who are you?

Batman: Someone like you. Someone who'll rattle the cages.

Batman: Taste of your own medicine, doctor?

[gasses Crane with fear toxin]

Batman: What was your plan? Crane! Who are you working for?

Dr. Jonathan Crane: [terrified] ... Ra's. Ra's Al Ghul!

Batman: Ra's Al Ghul is dead. Who are you working for? Crane!

Dr. Jonathan Crane: Dr. Crane isn't here right now, but if you'd like to make an appointment...

Batman: [driving the Batmobile while being chased by the police] Hold on.

Rachel Dawes: What are you doing?

Batman: Short cut.

[He turns the Tumbler and smashes through the gate of a parking garage entrance. The guy at the booth simply looks on as the police enter the garage enter him. He makes his way up to the rooftop]

Uniformed Policeman #1: Air one to ground. Block that ramp.

[Bruce backs the Tumbler into a compact parking space by pushing aside the cars in the two adjacent spaces]

Uniformed Policeman #1: He's got no way off that roof.

[One of the cops takes out his megaphone and says]

Policeman # 2: Turn off your engine! Step away from the car!

Batman: Trust me.

[presses a button]

The Tumbler: Weapon system activated.

[He fires a charge, destroying part of the concrete barrier at the edge of the roof. Then Batman accelerates the Tumbler towards the gap. As the Tumbler nears the edge, it goes into a rampless jump to scale the street. It makes its way across the rooftops]

Policeman # 3: [on the street] Who is this guy?

Policeman # 4: Where's he going?

Policeman # 3: He's on the roof.

[He looks up to see debris coming over the edge of the roof]

Policeman # 4: What street is he taking?

Policeman # 3: He's not on a street! He's flying on rooftops!

[the Tumbler jumps onto the roof of a church, destroying part of the roof as it crosses. It eventually jumps onto a highway, and takes an offramp to the lower level of Wacker Drive]

Jim Gordon: [hearing bat sounds] What is that?

Batman: Back-up.

Flass: What the...?

[bats swarm around Arkham]

Ra's al Ghul: [fighting Batman on the monorail, dismissively] Familiar. Don't you have anything new?

[swings sword at Batman, who catches the blade within the spurs of his gauntlets]

Batman: How about *this*?

[uncrosses his arms and pulls them outward, shattering the sword]

Batman: Taste of your own medicine, Doctor?

Batman: [perched on the railing of a stairway behind Gordon's home] Storm's coming.

Jim Gordon: [closing the door to his kitchen where his wife and son are] The scum is getting jumpy because you stood up to Falcone.

Batman: It's a start. Your partner was at the docks with Falcone.

Jim Gordon: Well, he moonlights as a low-level enforcer.

Batman: They were splitting the shipment in two. Only half went to the dealers.

Jim Gordon: Why? What about the other half?

Batman: Flass knows.

Jim Gordon: He won't talk.

Batman: He'll talk to me.

Jim Gordon: Commissioner Loeb set up a massive task force to catch you. He thinks you're dangerous.

Batman: What do you think?

Jim Gordon: I think you're trying to help...

[Gordon looks away momentarily; upon turning back, he finds that Batman has disappeared]

Jim Gordon: But I've been wrong before.

Batman: [to Alfred, after being dosed with fear gas] Blood. Take. Take poison. Blood poison. Poison. Poisonous.

Batman: [to James Gordon] Don't turn around. You're a good cop. One of the few.

Lt. James Gordon: The Narrows is tearing itself to pieces.

Batman: This is just the beginning. If they hit the whole city with toxin, there's nothing to stop Gotham tearing itself apart through mass panic.

Lt. James Gordon: How are they gonna do that?

Batman: They'll be using the train.

[as Batman describes what will happen, we cut to a camera view following the monorail beam]

Batman: The monorail follows the water mains to the central hub beneath Wayne Tower. If they get their machine into Wayne station, it'll cause a chain reaction that'll vaporize the entire city's water supply.

Lt. James Gordon: Covering Gotham in this poison!

Batman: I'm gonna stop them from loading that train, but I may need your help.

Lt. James Gordon: What do you need?

Batman: [holds up the remote to the Tumbler] Can you drive stick?

Batman: Well, Sergeant...

Jim Gordon: It's Lieutenant now.

[Batman confronts Ra's, flanked by two of his ninjas]

Batman: It ends here.

Ra's al Ghul: For you and the police, maybe. My fight, however, lies with the rest of Gotham. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to destroy.

Batman: I can't beat two of your pawns?

Ra's al Ghul: As you wish.

[two more ninjas drop down from above]

Batman: [to James Gordon] Watch for my sign.

[Batman dangles a mugger over the side of a building]

Nic: Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man! Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man!

Batman: I'm not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.

Nic: What are you?

Batman: I'm Batman.

Vicki Vale: [distracting Joker] Mr. Joker, you say such beautiful things. Oh, you're so powerful. And purple! Oh, I love purple.

Batman: Excuse me.

[Joker looks]

Batman: Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

[punches him]

Vicki Vale: A lot of people think you're as dangerous as the Joker.

Batman: He's psychotic.

Vicki Vale: Some people say the same thing about you.

Batman: What people?

Vicki Vale: Well, I mean, let's face it. You're not exactly normal, are you?

Batman: It's not exactly a normal world, is it?

Batman: I'm going to kill you!

The Joker: You IDIOT! You made me. Remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.

Batman: I know you did.

[punches him again]

Batman: You killed my parents.

The Joker: What? What? What are you talking about?

Batman: I made you, you made me first.

The Joker: Hey, bat-brain, I mean, I was a kid when I killed your parents. I mean, I say "I made you" you gotta say "you made me." I mean, how childish can you get?

Batman: You weigh a little more than a hundred and eight.

Vicki Vale: Oh really!

Batman: Let's go.

Batman: See that thing on my belt? Grab it! Whatever you do, don't let go.

Batman: [while under attack] To the Batmobile!

[the Bad Guys shoot at the Batmobile, blowing it up]

Batman: Dang it...

Wonder Woman: To the Invisible Jet!

[the Bad Guys shoot at an empty space next to the Batmobile, causing an explosion]

Wonder Woman: Dang it...

Batman: I only work in black and sometimes very, very dark grey.

Batman: [to Lucy] If this relationship is going to work out between us I need to feel free to party with a bunch of strangers whenever I feel like it. I will text you.

Emmet: Uh, guys? We're about to crash into the sun.

Batman: Yeah, but it's gonna look really cool.

Batman: You know, I don't want to spoil the party but, does anyone notice that we're stuck in the middle of the ocean on this couch? Do you know what kind of sunburn I'm going to get? None, 'cause I'm covered in latex, but you guys are going to get seriously fried. I mean it's not like a... like a big gigantic ship is just going to come out of nowhere and save US by gosh.

Robot: [At the Octan loading bay] Who are you here to see?

Batman: I'm here to see... your butt!

Robot: Is that a last name Butt, first name Your...?

Robot: [Batman throws a Batarang at the Robot decapitating him] Oh, my gosh!

[Batman and Benny laugh then Batman throws another Batarangs at the gate button but fails to hit it]

Batman: Pow!

[he throws another which still doesn't hit it]

Batman: Wham!

[he throws another and misses again]

Batman: Kezap!

[he then repeatedly throws the Batarangs until it finally hits the button making it go green]

Batman: First try!

Emmet: That's the signal, but the shield is still up.

Batman: Then I guess we'll just have to wing it.

[Beat]

Batman: That's a bat pun.

Emmet: I'm just gonna come right out, I have no idea what's going on or what this place is at all.

Unikitty: Hi! I am Princess Unikitty, and I welcome you all to Cloud Cuckoo Land!

Emmet: So there are no signs on anything. How does anyone know what not to do?

Unikitty: Here in Cloud Cuckoo Land, there are no rules: There's no government, no baby sitters, no bedtimes, no frowny faces, no bushy mustaches, and no negativity of any kind.

Lucy: You just said the word "no" like a thousand times.

Unikitty: And there's also no consistency.

Batman: [the clown and the lizard man are dancing around him] I hate this place.

Unikitty: Any idea is a good idea except the non-happy ones. Those we push down deep inside where you'll never, ever, ever, EVER find them!

[after Batman flies in and saves them]

Batman: Relax, everybody, I'm here.

Emmet: Batman!

[to Lucy]

Batman: What's up, babe?

Lucy: Babe!

Emmet: What?

Lucy: Oh, sorry.

[to Batman]

Lucy: Batman, this is Emmet.

[to Emmet]

Lucy: Emmet, this is my boyfriend. Batman.

Batman: I'm Batman.

Emmet: That's your boyfriend?

[Batman swerves his aircraft to avoid getting hit by Bad Cop as he chases after them]

Emmet: Batman, huh? Where did you guys meet?

Lucy: It's actually a funny story. Right, Bat...?

[she turns to see Batman has disappeared]

Bad Cop: There he is!

Batman: Police to meet you, Bad Cop.

[Bad Cop sees Batman has landed on his vehicle]

Bad Cop: Batman! The pleasure is all mine!

[Bad Cop punches Batman, then they start fighting on top of Bad Cop's vehicle]

Batman: Guess what, you big dumb baby? Your car is a baby carriage.

[Batman transforms Bad Cop's vehicle into a baby carriage and it starts plummeting to the ground]

Batman: [about Cloud Cukoo Land] I hate this place.

Batman: This is not how Batman dies.

Batman: Bruce Wayne? Uh... who's that? Sounds like a cool guy.

Batman: Guess what, you big dumb baby? Your car is a baby carriage.

Batman: What're you losers talking about? Thought I'd help you guys out. Left the weird cat thing to stall.

Batman: First try.

[upon reaching Claw Island]

Robin: Holey rusted metal, Batman!

Batman: Huh?

Robin: The ground, it's all metal. It's full of holes. You know, holey.

Batman: Oh.

[first lines]

Alfred Pennyworth: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?

Batman: I'll get drive-thru.

The Riddler: Can Bruce Wayne and Batman ever truly coexist? We'll find out today! But first, let's meet our contestants! Behind curtain number one...

[the Riddler reveals Chase Meridian tied up and hung in a container high up in the room]

The Riddler: The absolute fabulous Dr. Chase Meridian. She enjoys hiking, getting her nails done, and foolisihly hopes to be the love of Bruce's life! And behind curtain number two...

[the Riddler reveals an identical container nearby Chase's. This one has Robin tied up]

The Riddler: Batman's one and only partner. This acrobat-turned orphan likes Saturday morning cartoons and one day dreams being...

The Riddler: [whispers] ... bare naked with a girl!

The Riddler: And below these contestants... my personal favorite. A watery grave!

[the Riddler reveals two holes in the floor leading into a dark pit. Both are underneath the two containers]

The Riddler: [points to his scepter] Just one little touch, and you're two friends are *gull feed* on the rocks below. Not enough time to save them both. Which will it be, Batman? Bruce's love or the Dark Knight's junior partner?

[the Riddler imitates a game show timer while Batman ponders in thought]

Batman: There is no way for me to save them or myself. This is all one giant death trap.

The Riddler: Judges?

The Riddler: [makes a buzzer noise] I'm sorry. Your answer must be in the form of a question. But thank you for playing.

[the Riddler begins to push the button on his scepter]

Batman: Wait! I have a riddle for you!

The Riddler: For me? Really? Tell me.

Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?

The Riddler: Please! You're as blind as a bat!

Batman: Exactly.

[throws a batarang at his throne]

The Riddler: Why? Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions.

Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman, not because I have to be, now, because I choose to be.

Batman: I read your work. Insightful. Naive, but insightful.

Dr. Chase Meridian: I'm flattered. Not every girl makes a superhero's night table.

Robin: I can't promise I won't kill Harvey.

Batman: A man's got to go his own way. A friend taught me that.

Robin: Not just a friend.

[extends his hand]

Batman: A partner.

[shakes it]

The Riddler: [after being defeated] Why? Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions.

Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman. Not because I have to be. Now... because I choose to be.

[holds out his hand. The Riddler backs away as he sees a bat]

The Riddler: AAAAHHH! AHHHHGH! AAAAGH!

Batman: Commissioner Gordon?

Dr. Chase Meridian: He's at home. I sent the signal.

Batman: What's wrong?

Dr. Chase Meridian: Last night at the bank I noticed something about Two-Face. His coin. It's his Achilles' heel. It can be exploited.

Batman: I know. You called me here for this? The Batsignal is not a beeper.

Dr. Chase Meridian: Well I wish I could say that my interest in you was... purely professional.

Batman: You trying to get under my cape, doctor?

Dr. Chase Meridian: A girl can't live by psychoses alone.

Batman: It's the car, right? Chicks love the car.

Dr. Chase Meridian: [laughs] What is it about the wrong kind of man? In grade school it was boys with earrings, high school; motorcycles; college, leather jackets. Now...

[feels his suit]

Dr. Chase Meridian: Ahhh. Black rubber.

Batman: Try firemen, less to take off.

[hastens away but she follows him]

Dr. Chase Meridian: I don't mind the work. Pity I can't see behind the mask.

Batman: We all wear masks.

Dr. Chase Meridian: My life's an open book. You read?

Batman: I don't blend in at a family picnic.

Dr. Chase Meridian: Oh, we could give it a try. I'll bring the wine, you bring your scarred psyche.

Batman: Direct, aren't you?

Dr. Chase Meridian: You like strong women. I've done my homework. Or do I need skin-tight vinyl and a whip?

Batman: I haven't had that much luck with women.

Dr. Chase Meridian: Maybe you just haven't met the right woman.

Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?

The Riddler: Please! You're as blind as a bat!

Batman: Exactly.

[throws a batarang at his throne]

Dr. Chase Meridian: He'll slaughter them without thinking twice.

Batman: Agreed. A trauma powerful enough to create an alternate personality leaves the victim...

Dr. Chase Meridian: in a world where normal rules of right and wrong no longer apply.

Batman: Exactly.

Dr. Chase Meridian: Like you. - Well, let's just say that I could write a hell of a paper on a grown man who dresses like a flying rodent.

Batman: Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian.

Batman: I guess we're all two people.

The Riddler: By the way, I've seen your mind. Freak! Yours is the greatest riddle of all! Can Bruce Wayne and Batman ever truly coexist? We'll find out today! But first, let's meet our contestants. Behind curtain... number one!

[Sugar pulls the rope, the curtain drops and reveals Chase Meridian tied up and hung in a container high up in the room]

The Riddler: The absolutely fabulous Dr. Chase Meridian! She enjoys hiking, manicures and foolishly hopes to be the love of Bruce's life... HA!

Two-Face: [clapping his hands] Heh!

The Riddler: And behind curtain number two!

[Spice pulls the rope, another curtain drops and reveals two holes in the floor leading into a dark pit. Both are underneath the two containers]

The Riddler: Fatman's one and only partner! This acrobat turned orphan like Saturday morning cartoons and dreams one day being...

[whispers]

The Riddler: ... bare naked with a girl!

[Two-Face gasps and The Riddler turns to him, laughs]

The Riddler: and below these contestants... my personal favorite: A watery grave!

[He reveals two holes in the floor leading into a dark pit. Both are underneath the two containers and he points to his scepter]

The Riddler: Just one little touch... and five seconds later, these two date players are GULL FEED on the rocks below... Not enough time to save them both... Which one will it be, Batman? Bruce's love... or the Dark Knight's junior partner?

[He imitates a game show timer while Batman ponders in thought]

Batman: There is no way for me to save them or myself... This is all one giant death trap.

The Riddler: Judges?

[makes a buzzer noise]

The Riddler: I'm sorry. Your answer must be in the form of a question. But, thank you for playing.

[He begins to push the button on his scepter]

Batman: Wait! I have a riddle for you.

The Riddler: For me?... Really?

[laughing]

The Riddler: Tell me.

Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?

The Riddler: Please... You're as blind as a bat!

Batman: Exactly.

[throws a batarang at his throne]

[crouched atop a dazed Batman]

Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for.

Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left.

Batman: I tried to save you.

Catwoman: Seems like every woman you try to save ends up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe you should retire.

Catwoman: Somebody say fish? I haven't be fed all day!

Batman: Eat floor.

[throws Catwoman down]

Batman: High fiber.

[Catwoman is hit]

Catwoman: How could you? I'm a woman.

Batman: I'm sorry, I-I...

[she hits him]

Catwoman: As I was saying, I'm a woman and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch, now so am I.

Batman: What do you want?

The Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.

[laughs, then turns serious]

The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?

Batman: Things change.

[Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]

Catwoman: Meow.

[a store explodes, she slips off]

The Penguin: I saw her first... gotta fly!

The Penguin: You're just jealous, because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!

Batman: You might be right.

The Penguin: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.

Batman: You're not the mayor.

The Penguin: Things change.

[the Batmobile is evading the police. Batman flips a switch on the control panel, and nothing happens]

Batman: That's funny.

[Flips switch again. Nothing happens]

Batman: Alright, NOW I'm a little worried.

[Slaps control panel; Batmobile morphs into the Batmissile]

Commissioner Gordon: Thanks for the saving the day, Batman. I'm afraid the circus gang is back.

Batman: We'll see.

Alfred: Why are you still out? Are you concerned about that strange, heroic Penguin person?

Batman: I think he knows who his parents are. There's something else.

Batman: Let me ask you something, Why'd you come tonight?

Selina Kyle: You first.

Batman: To see you.

Selina Kyle: That's lovely, and I really wish I could say the same. But, I came for Max.

Batman: What do you mean, you and... not you and Max?

Selina Kyle: [laughs maniacally] No. not me and Max...

[reaches down and pull a pistol out of her garter]

Selina Kyle: *this* and Max!

Batman: [Frantically tries to cover the pistol]

Selina Kyle: Now *don't* give me a "Killing Max won't solve anything" speech, because it will. Aren't you tired of this sanctimonious robber baron always coming out on top, when he should be six feet under?

Batman: Look, you may have problems with your boss, but who do you think you are?

Selina Kyle: [sighs, laughs] I don't know anymore, Bruce.

[laughs again. They kiss]

Batman: Mad Dog, you ARE going to take the shortcut to the Interstate, aren't you?

Mad Dog: We're here to win, ain't we? If you're gonna be a bear, BE A GRIZZLY!

Both: ARRR!

[the racers, all neck and neck, are approaching the finish line, with Mad Dog and Batman in the lead]

Mad Dog: We got 'em.

Batman: We got 'em!

[Suddenly a car come in the way, forcing Mad Dog & Batman's GMC truck to do a 180 stop. Bradford and Shakey's motorcycle slips and skids]

J.J. McClure: [screams] LOOK OUT!

[J.J. and Victor's ambulance van and all the other cars come to screeching halt]

J.J. McClure: [yells] Okay, it's a foot race!

Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: I've got the card.

J.J. McClure: No, gimmie that, Doc! Come on, it's a foot race!

[All the racers storm out and begin running to the finish line to see who can be the first to punch at the clock and win the race]

Victor Prinsi: Have no fear! Chaos is here! DA-DA-DUM!

J.J. McClure: [hands Victor the time card] Take it and win, Captain!

Pamela Glover: Come on, Chaos! You can do it!

[as Victor and Marcie sprints, J.J. jumps on the other racers, tackling them down]

Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: Does anyone need medical attention?

Batman: Your father's dead, isn't he? You came into town early to get Chuckie Sol, so you could shift the blame to your father if necessary.

Andrea Beaumont: They took everything, Bruce. My father, my friends, my life, you. I'm not saying it's right, or even sane but it's all I have left! So either help me, or get out of the way!

Batman: You know I can't do that.

Andrea Beaumont: Look what they did to us! What we could have had! They had to pay!

Batman: But Andy... what will vengeance solve?

Andrea Beaumont: If anyone knows the answer to that, Bruce, it's you.

[silent pause]

Batman: Leave, Andy, now. Please.

Batman: You think you know everything about me, don't you?

Alfred Pennyworth: I diapered your bottom; I bloody well ought to, *sir*!

The Phantasm: Stay away! This is not your fight!

Batman: This madness ends now!

The Joker: All right, I give in. I surrendered already. Tell her, Batman.

Batman: [Panting] Andrea, you've got to... get out of here! The whole place is set to... explode!

Andrea Beaumont: No. One way or another it ends tonight. Goodbye, my love.

[while Reeves is trying to resist the effects of Joker's toxin, Batman appears in his hospital room]

Arthur Reeves: [gasps, then giggles helplessly] Oh, no!

Batman: Why did the Joker meet with you?

[Reaves keeps giggling]

Batman: It has to do with the gangster murders, doesn't it? He thinks you're involved. WHY?

Arthur Reeves: [giggling] I don't know!

Batman: [grabs him] That's not the answer I want!

[Reaves manages to calm down]

Arthur Reeves: Beaumont needed me to help him and his kid get out of town...

[starts to giggle again]

Arthur Reeves: He kept in touch.

Batman: When was the last time you spoke to him?

Arthur Reeves: Years ago, my first election campaign. I was running out of money and I asked him for help...

[giggles]

Arthur Reeves: He said no!

Batman: So you sold him to the mob.

Arthur Reeves: [now laughing hysterically] I was broke! Desperate! They said all they wanted was their money back!

[he collapses with laughter, as Batman leaves in disgust]

Batman: Do you still follow your dad's orders?

Andrea Beaumont: The way I see it, the only one in this room controlled by his parents is you.

Joker: You're crazy! I'm your only chance to get out of here! Let me go or we'll both die!

Batman: Whatever it takes!

Batman: Quickly, Robin, to the crosswalk!

Catwoman: I'll turn myself in on one condition.

Batman: What's that?

Catwoman: We run away to Europe together, sip tea in a cafe, and live happily every after.

Robin: Holy unsatisfying ending!

Catwoman: And of course we kill Robin.

Batman: There's a bad moon on the rise.

Batman: Robin, time to use our trusty Batzooka!

Batman: I implore you to turn yourself in without a fight.

Catwoman: You will be gentle with me, Batman?

Batman: You have my assurance I will handle you... personally.

Batman: Good job. Your grasp of the dead languages has improved.

Robin: No language can be dead if it lives in your heart.

Batman: An intergalactic spaceship is just another tool in a crime fighter's arsenal.

Robin: We were almost done, Batman!

Batman: To put it more accurately, well done, Robin!

Batman: Begorah.

Batman: Loving you was wrong. But I had to do right.

[last lines]

[Vickie receives a phone call from "Bruce Wayne" that is actually a recording]

Bruce Wayne: Vickie, I'm sorry, I can't keep our date. I need a vacation; I'm leaving town for a week. You understand, don't you?

Vicki Vale: Well, of course, Bruce. You must be completely worn out.

[to Batman]

Vicki Vale: You know, I thought I had discovered your identity, but I just found out I was wrong.

Batman: Really? Who did you think I was?

Vicki Vale: Bruce Wayne. Wasn't that silly?

Batman: Yes, wasn't it?

Robin: What's botherin' you?

Batman: Harrison's safety. The Wizard must have heard that broadcast - perhaps he even inspired it.

Robin: Harrison's decision really must have knocked the props out from under his blackmail scheme.

Batman: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. What's to prevent the Wizard from attacking Harrison on his way here?

Robin: Batman and Robin might.

Vicki Vale: Untie me please!

Batman: Haven't got time; you'll be all right. Don't go away!

Vicki Vale: Will you do me a favor?

Batman: Certainly.

Vicki Vale: I'm going to have dinner with Bruce Wayne, will you join us?

Batman: That's very nice of you.

Vicki Vale: Then you'll come?

Batman: Of course!

Batman: Run the usual test for invisible ink. I'll change and go entertain Vicki.

Robin: You better be careful. I think she's beginning to get wise that Batman and Bruce Wayne are the same.

Batman: Well, if she gets too close, we know how to throw her off the trail.

Batman: Gotham is lost... it just doesn't know it yet.

Batman: Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb.

Batman: [reads the first riddle] What has yellow skin and writes?

Robin: A ball-point banana!

Batman: [reads the second riddle] What people are always in a hurry?

Robin: Rushing people... Russians!

Batman: So this means...

Robin: Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana and break their neck!

Batman: Precisely, Robin!

Batman: They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're still human beings.

Commissioner Gordon: It could be any one of them... But which one? Which ones?

Batman: Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder...

Commissioner Gordon: You mean where there's a fish there could be a Penguin?

Robin: But wait! It happened at sea... Sea. C for Catwoman!

Batman: Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...

Commissioner Gordon: The Joker!

Chief O'Hara: All adds up to a sinister riddle... Riddle-R. Riddler!

Commissioner Gordon: A thought strikes me... So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance...

Batman: The four of them... Their forces combined...

Robin: Holy nightmare!

Batman: Bon Voyage, Pussy.

Batman: Look at this pair of joking riddles.

Chief O'Hara: [reads] What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?

Robin: He gobbles up!

Chief O'Hara: Of course.

Batman: And, number two...

Commissioner Gordon: [reads] What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?

Robin: A sparrow with a machine gun!

Commissioner Gordon: Yes, of course.

Robin: Gosh, drinking's sure a filthy thing isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes.

Batman: Uh-uh.

[Batman and Robin are running to the United World Building]

Robin: Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch, Batman!

Batman: Let's hope that it's a stitch in time, Robin, that saves nine - The nine members of the United World Security Council. Come on.

The Penguin: Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.

[Batman and Robin look at each other]

Robin: Holy costume party. That's the Penguin.

Batman: Obviously.

Robin: What's his game, I wonder.

[Batman turns back to the Penguin]

Batman: What's your game, Penguin?

The Penguin: Penguin?

[laughs]

The Penguin: No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy. Schmidlapp.

Batman: Who knows, Robin? This strange mixing of minds may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity! Let's go, but, inconspicuously, through the window. We'll use our Batropes. Our job is finished.

Vice Admiral Fangschliester: ...to some chap named P.N. Guin.

Batman: P.N. Guin...

Robin: Penguin!

Robin: When you think, Batman, with those four supercrooks hangin' around, it's amazing somebody hasn't already reported this place to the police!

Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!

Robin: [pointing toward the sky] That crazy missile! It wrote two more riddles before it blew up!

Batman: [reading a skywritten message] "What goes up white and comes down yellow and white?"

Robin: An egg!

Batman: [reading another skywritten message] "How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?"

Robin: Make applesauce!

Batman: [thinking out loud] Apples into applesauce - A unification into one smooth mixture. An egg - nature's perfect container. The container of all our hopes for the future.

Robin: A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization!

Batman: Precisely, Robin! And there's a special meeting of the Security Council today. If what I fear is true...

Robin: Wow! Let's commandeer a taxi!

Batman: No, Robin. Not at this time of day. Luckily, we're in tip-top condition. It'll be faster if we run. Let's go!

Commissioner Gordon: Penguin, Joker, Riddler... and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!

Batman: We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over...

Chief O'Hara: Take over *what*, Batman? Gotham City?

Batman: Any *two* of them would try that!

Commissioner Gordon: The whole country?

Batman: If it were three of them, I would say yes, but *four*? Their minimum objective must be... the *entire* world.

Vice Admiral Fangschliester: [on the phone] Your tone sounds rather grim. We haven't done anything foolish, have we?

Batman: [reproachfully] Disposing a pre-atomic submarines to persons who don't even leave their full addresses... Good day, Admiral!

Vice Admiral Fangschliester: [they hang up] Gosh!

Robin: Are you sure you didn't hurt your head in that fight, Batman?

Batman: I'm sure. Here, swallow this pill.

Robin: Thanks.

Batman: Hand down the shark-repellent Batspray!

The Catwoman: [to Batman, posing as Kitka] If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture?

Commissioner Gordon: Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?

Chief O'Hara: The woman must be mad!

Batman: Please... Chief O'Hara... all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant.

The Catwoman: Impossible?

Batman: Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed.

Commissioner Gordon: Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters.

Chief O'Hara: Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are.

Robin: In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know.

The Catwoman: But your so curious costumes...

Robin: Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.

The Catwoman: You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no?

Commissioner Gordon: Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law.

Robin: Support your police! That's our message!

Batman: Well said, Robin... and no better way to end this press conference... thank you, and good day.

Batman: The Riddler is loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.

Commissioner Gordon: A fine job, Batman. You allayed their fears magnificently.

Batman: What else could I have done, Commissioner? If I told the truth, panic will grip the city.

Chief O'Hara: The truth. Sure, and what is the truth?

Batman: A decoy. A strange anonymous warning that Commodore Schmidlapp is in danger, to lure me into a trap.

Commissioner Gordon: A fiendish attempt on Batman's life.

Chief O'Hara: You mean, when they were luring you to a watery grave, the commodore's yacht has been hijacked in some places?

Batman: Precisely.

Commissioner Gordon: And who behind it? Not a clue.

Batman: Tell me, Commissioner: What known supercriminals are at large just now?

Commissioner Gordon: I'll check at once, Batman. Bonnie, let's have the latest status report on supercriminals still at large.

Bonnie: Yes, Commissioner.

Commissioner Gordon: Thank you, Bonnie. Coming up, Batman, on the closed-circuit TV screen. Come over here.

[the quartet move to the closed-circuit TV screen on the wall]

Closed Circuit TV Screen: Status report. Known supercriminals not currently imprisoned.

Batman: The Penguin.

Commissioner Gordon: That pompous, waddling master of foul play, maestro a million criminal umbrellas.

Robin: The Joker.

Chief O'Hara: Devilish clown prince of crime! Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time he's baffled us!

Commissioner Gordon: What, the Riddler loose too?

Batman: So it seems. Loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.

Robin: Gosh! And the Catwoman!

Closed Circuit TV Screen: End of status report.

Batman: Confound it, the batteries are dead!

Batman: To the Batmobile! This could be the break we've been looking for!

Batman: Hi.

Enchanted Princess: Hi!

Batman: I'm Batman.

Enchanted Princess: [deep voice] I'm Enchanted Princess!

Batman: It's over, Deadshot. I don't want to do this in front of your daughter.