Batiatus Quotes in The Last Legion (2007)

[looking at the summit of Capri]

Aurelius: How long is it to climb to the top?

Batiatus: An hour. Faster coming down.

Ramon: We have visitors. Tremendous visitors! Two simply enormous Roman lords on the hill.

Batiatus: How easily impressed you are, Ramon. Just 'cause they're Romans, I suppose they're enormous. Tell them to wait for me when they arrive.

Ramon: Master, you don't understand!

Batiatus: How enormous do these Roman lords get?

Ramon: One of them is Marcus Licinius Crassus.

Batiatus: What? Wait a minute. Crassus here? Varinia, my red toga with the acorns. And some chairs in the atrium. Second-best wine. No, the best, but small goblets.

[Notices a head-bust]

Batiatus: Gracchus! You know how Crassus loathes him. Take him away.

Ramon: I can't lift it.

Batiatus: Use your imagination! Cover him. Tell Marcellus to get the men ready. Crassus has expensive taste. He'll want a show of some sort.

[to the head-bust ]

Batiatus: Forgive me, Gracchus.

Batiatus: A good body with a dull brain is as cheap as life itself.

Batiatus: Come with us. See to it I don't misuse the money.

Gracchus: Don't be ridiculous. I'm a Senator.

Batiatus: Good luck, and may fortune smile upon... most of you.

Batiatus: There I was, better than a millionaire in the morning and a penniless refugee by nightfall with nothing but these rags and my poor flesh to call of my own. All because of Crassus decides to break his journey at Capua with a couple of capricious, over-painted nymphs! These two daughters of Venus had to taunt the gladiators, force them to fight to the death and before I knew what had happened, *revolution* on my hands!

Gracchus: What revenge have you in mind?

Batiatus: I sold Crassus this woman, Varinia. May the gods give her wens. There was no contract, but she was clearly his slave as soon as the deal was made. Now she's off with Spartacus killing people in their beds. And Crassus, no mention of the money, no!

Gracchus: You never offered me this woman. Why not?

Batiatus: Well, she's not remotely your type, Gracchus. She is very thin and...

Gracchus: Look around you. You'll see women of all sizes. 500 sesterces deposit on Varinia. Since he hasn't paid, this gives me first call over Crassus.

Batiatus: May the Gods adore you! Why would you buy a woman that you have never seen?

Gracchus: To annoy Crassus, of course, and to help you.

Batiatus: Marcus Licinius Crassus. Most noble radiance, first general of the Republic, father and defender of Rome, honour my house. Bless it with your presence. Wine! Sweetmeats! Can't you see that Their Honours are exhausted? Have the goodness to sit. Is anything wrong, Your Nobility?

Marcus Licinius Crassus: No.

Batiatus: Welcome to the Lady Claudia Maria, former wife of Lucius Caius Marius, whose recent execution touched us all so deeply. Honour to the Lady Helena, daughter of the late Septimus Optimus Glabrus, whose fame shall live on forever in the person of his son, your brother, Marcus Publius Glabrus, hero of the Eastern Wars.

Helena Glabrus: How very much he knows. Allow me to bring you up to date. We're here to celebrate the marriage of my brother to the Lady Claudia.

Batiatus: A mating of eagles, Your Sanctity! Fan His Magnitude. He sweats.

Gracchus: [after offering Batiatus 500,000 sesterces to kidnap Virinia from Crassus and Batiatus still cowering] Let's add courage to your new found virtues. Make it 1,000,000 sesterces.

Batiatus: Crassus does seem to dwindle in the mind.

Helena Glabrus: [after she has selected the best gladiators to fight to the death] Do my choices displease you?

Batiatus: Oh no, Lady Helena. I tingle.

Batiatus: But, my dear, great, all-conquering Marcus Licinius Crassus... what if it is Spartacus who crosses the battlefield, looking for you?

Marcus Licinius Crassus: In such circumstances, I have no doubt you will be helping him.