Basil Quotes in The World's End (2013)

Basil: [after saying blanks can replicate you from saliva on glasses] That's why I drink using a crazy straw. Not so crazy now.

Basil: They can get your DNA any way they can - through touching, kissing, the rim of a glass... why do you think I drink out of this crazy straw? Not so crazy now is it?

Basil: It's not an invasion, it's a merger. They don't want to get rid of us, not if they can help it. They just want to make us more like them. Change the way we think. Bring us into line with all the others. Become another link in their chain. Which is fine - unless you say no.

Basil: Did we get Dr. Evil?

Radar Operator: No, sir, he got away in that big spaceship that looks like a huge...

Teacher: Penis. The male reproductive organ. Also known as tallywhacker, schlong, or...

Friendly Dad: Wiener? Any of your kids want another wiener?

Friendly Son: Dad, what's that?

Friendly Dad: I don't know, son, but it has great big...

Peanut Vendor: Nuts. Hot, salty nuts. Who wants some?...

Peanut Vendor: Lord Almighty!

Woman: That looks just like my husband's...

Circus Barker: ONE-EYED MONSTER. Step right up and see the One-eyed Monster!

Cyclops: RARRR.

Cyclops: Hey, what's that? It looks like a...

Fan: Woody. Woody Harrelson. Could I have your autograph?

Woody: Sure. Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!

Fan: It's so huge.

Woody: No, I've seen bigger. That's...

Dr. Evil: Just a little prick.

[Austin picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard inside]

Austin: Cor! This coffee smells like shit!

Basil: It is shit, Austin.

Austin: Oh, good. Then it's not just me.

[Drinks]

Austin: [Smacks lips] It's a bit nutty.

Austin: Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, presumeably, I could go back and visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the '90s and traveled back to.

[goes cross-eyed]

Austin: Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.

Basil: I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.

[to camera]

Basil: That goes for you all, too.

Austin: Yes.

Austin: [Answering a call after the Vanessa fembot explodes] Hello Basil.

Basil: Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?

Austin: It turns out that Vanessa was a fembot.

Basil: Yes. We knew all along, sadly.

[Then, without pausing for a moment]

Basil: Anyway, I have a new assignment for you.

Basil: There's always a chance, Doctor, as long as one can think.

Basil: Don't worry, old fellow. It's not *entirely* hopeless.

Basil: [concerning Professor Ratigan] There's no evil scheme he wouldn't concoct! No depravity he wouldn't commit.

Dr. Dawson: Dash it all, Basil! The Queen's in danger, Olivia's counting on us, we're about to be horribly "splatted" and all you can do is lie there feeling sorry for yourself. Well, I know you can save us, but if you've given up then why don't we just set it off now and be done with it?

Basil: [feebly] He he. "Set it off now." Set if off... now?

[triumphantly]

Basil: Ha ha! Yes! We'll set the trap off now!

Basil: [Regarding Fidget's note] Offhand I can deduce very little, Only that the words are written with a broad-tip quill pen that has spattered, twice; that the paper is of native Mongolia manufacture, no watermark; and has

[smacks his lips against the paper]

Basil: been gummed, if I'm very much in error...

[smells paper]

Basil: ...by a bat who has been drinking Rodent's Delight, a cheap brandy served only in the seediests pubs.

Dr. Dawson: Hmm. Amazing.

Basil: Oh, not really, doctor. We still don't know where it came from. Perhaps a closer inspection will tell us something.

[Looks at note under microscope]

Basil: Coal dust, clearly of the type used in sewer lamps.

[Takes note and sets it on fire]

Dr. Dawson: Basil!

Basil: Shh. Don't speak.

[He grinds the ashes in a crucible and pours them into a beaker]

Basil: Excuse me, Doctor.

[Takes beaker and a bottle of liquid]

Basil: Steady hand...

[pours a drop into beaker and sets it at the other end of a pipe; he boils a liquid on the other end, watching as it goes through the pipe]

Basil: Come on, come on. Good, bad, bad, good. Come on, come on, come on.

[Liquid finally reaches beaker; chemical explodes]

Basil: Aha! We've done it, old fellow! This chemical reaction could only be triggered by the paper's extreme saturation with distilation of sodium chloride.

Dr. Dawson: Salt water? Great Scott.

Basil: It proves beyond a shadow of a doubt, this note came from the riverfront area.

[Pins a map of the river on the wall]

Dr. Dawson: Now, steady on, Basil...

Basil: No, it's elementary, Dawson. We simply look for a seedy pub at the only spot...

[Pins dart on map]

Basil: ...where the sewer connects with the riverfront.

Dr. Dawson: Well, it's time I was on my way too.

Basil: But... umm... but I thought...

Dr. Dawson: Well, the case is over, and perhaps... well perhaps it's best I found my own living quarters.

Basil: But...

[Knock on door]

Basil: Oh, now who could that be?

[Dawson opens door; a lady mouse is standing there]

Lady Mouse: Is this the home of the famous Basil of Baker Street?

Dr. Dawson: Indeed it is, miss. You look as if you're in some kind of trouble.

Lady Mouse: Oh, I am. I am.

Dr. Dawson: Then you have come to precisely the right place.

Basil: Ah, allow me to introduce my trusted associate Dr. Dawson, with whom I do all of my cases. Isn't that right, doctor?

Dr. Dawson: Oh? Why, yes. By all means.

Basil: As you can see, Dawson, this young lady is from the Hampstead district, and is troubled about the mysterious disappearance of an emerald ring in the third finger of her right hand. Now, tell me the story, and pray, be precise.

Olivia Flaversham: Now will you please listen to me? My daddy's gone, and I'm all alone.

Basil: Young lady, this is a most inopportune time.

[Resumes playing violin]

Basil: Surely your mother knows where he is.

Olivia Flaversham: I... I don't have a mother.

Basil: [Stops playing with a screech] Well, um... then perhaps... See here! I simply have no time for lost fathers.

Olivia Flaversham: I didn't lose him. He was taken by a bat.

Basil: Did you say... bat?

Olivia Flaversham: Yes.

Basil: Did he have a crippled wing?

Olivia Flaversham: I don't know, but he had a peg leg.

Basil: Ha!

Dr. Dawson: I say, do you know him?

Basil: Know him? That bat, one Fidget by name, is in the employ of the very fiend that was the target of my experiment! The horror of my every waking moment. The nefarious Professor Ratigan!

Dr. Dawson: Ratigan?

Basil: He's a genius, Dawson. A genius twisted for evil. The Napoleon of crime!

Dr. Dawson: As bad as all that, eh?

Basil: Worse! For years I've tried to capture him, and I've come close, so very close, but each time he's narrowly evaded my grasp! Not a corner of London is safe while Ratigan is at large. There's no evil scheme he wouldn't concoct. No depravity he wouldn't commit. Who knows what dastardly scheme that villian may be plotting even as we speak.

Ratigan: I have the power!

Robot Queen: Of course you do.

Ratigan: I am supreme!

Robot Queen: Only you.

Ratigan: This is my kingdom!

[maniacal laugh]

Ratigan: That is, of course, with your highness' permission.

[the robot is idle; Ratigan slaps it to start it again]

Robot Queen: Most assuredly... you insidious fiend.

Ratigan: What?

Robot Queen: You're not my royal consort!

Ratigan: [to crowd] Such a sense of humor.

Robot Queen: You're a cheap fraud & impostor!

Ratigan: [under his breath] Flaversham!

Basil: [operating the robot] A corrupt, vicious, demented, lowlife scoundrel. There's no evil scheme you wouldn't concoct.

[the robot goes crazy and breaks apart]

Robot Queen: No depravity you wouldn't commit. You, professor, are none other than a foul stenchus rodentus, commonly known as a...

Ratigan: Don't say it!

Basil: ...Sewer rat!

Basil: Remember, Dawson, we're low-life ruffians.

Dr. Dawson: Well, I was until that...

Basil: Shh!

Dr. Dawson: Scoundrel's quite gone.

Basil: But not for long, Miss Flamhammer!

Olivia Flaversham: Flaversham!

Basil: Whatever.

Basil: Miss Flamchester!

Olivia Flaversham, Dr. Dawson: Flaversham!

Basil: Whatever.

Olivia Flaversham: Goodbye, Basil.

[sniffles]

Olivia Flaversham: I... I'll never forget you.

Basil: Nor I you, Miss... Miss Flangerhanger.

Dr. Dawson: [chuckles] Whatever.

Basil: Now, Toby, sit!

[Toby doesn't sit]

Basil: [sternly] Toby... sit!

Olivia Flaversham: Sit, Toby!

[Toby sits]

Basil: Good boy...

Basil: Dawson, these drinks have been... drugged!

[Dawson has drunken his mug of drugged beer]

Dr. Dawson: [drunkenly] Has a rather nice bite to it...

Basil: Ratigan, no one can have a higher opinion of you than I have, and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!

Ratigan: [standing atop Big Ben, having thrown Basil off] I've won!

[laughs maniacally]

Basil: [hanging from the severed blimp's propeller] On the contrary! The game's not over yet!

[clock shifts and tolls the hour]

Dr. Dawson: How the deuce did you know I was a doctor?

Basil: A surgeon to be exact. Just returned from military duty in Afghanistan. Am I right?

Dr. Dawson: Why, ha, ha, yes. Major David Q. Dawson. But how could you possibly...?

Basil: Quite simple, really. You've sewn your torn cuff together with a Lambert stich, which, of course, only a surgeon uses. And the thread is a unique form of cat-gut, easily distinguished by its peculiar pungency, found only in the Afghan provinces.

Dr. Dawson: Amazing!

Basil: Actually, it's elementary, my dear Dawson.

Basil: [enraged] Ratigan, so help me, I'll see you behind bars yet!

Ratigan: [face gets close to Basil's] You fool!

Ratigan: [grabs Basil by the collar and lifts him off of the ground]

Ratigan: Isn't it clear to you? The superior mind has triumphed! I've won!

Ratigan: [laughs evilly]

Basil: [pointing to a pinhole in a glass on the toy shop window] Aha! Here is our friend's entrance.

Dr. Dawson: Bu-But, Basil, how could he fit in through such a tiny...?

Basil: Observe, Doctor.

[plugs Dawson's finger on the hole; as he pulls it away, the glass slides open]

Dr. Dawson: Basil, you astound me!

Dr. Dawson: Oh, my! Upon my word. I've never seen so many toys.

Basil: Behind any of which could lurk a blood-thirsty assassin! So, please, Doctor, be very careful.

Dr. Dawson: What-what-what did he mean an engagement at Buckingham Palace?

Basil: Haven't you figured it out yet, Doctor? The Queen's in danger and the empire is doomed.

Dr. Dawson: [Alarmed] The Queen?

Bar Maid: What'll you have?

Dr. Dawson: I'll have a dry sherry, with, oh, perhaps a twist of...

Basil: Two pints for me and my shipmate. Oh, by the way. We just got into port. We're looking for an old friend of mine. Maybe you know him. Goes by the name... of Ratigan!

[Everyone at the bar gasps and turn to Basil]

Bar Maid: I... never heard of him.

Basil: Aha, Dawson! We've found it at last. Ratigan's secret lair. And it's filthier than I imagined.

Basil: Rattigan, no-one has a higher opinion of you than I do.

Basil: I don't want any trouble.

Alexis Zorba: Life is trouble. Only death is not. To be alive is to undo your belt and *look* for trouble.

Alexis Zorba: Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it. You've got everthing except one thing: madness! A man needs a little madness, or else...

Basil: Or else?

Alexis Zorba: ...he never dares cut the rope and be free.

Alexis Zorba: Why do the young die? Why does anybody die?

Basil: I don't know.

Alexis Zorba: What's the use of all your damn books if they can't answer that?

Basil: They tell me about the agony of men who can't answer questions like yours.

Alexis Zorba: I spit on this agony!

Basil: I... couldn't help.

Sly: We have to use our secret weapon.

Basil: And what's that?

Sly: Duby - What's the one thing grown-ups fear most about us babies?

Duby: Dirty Diapers!

Sly: You're wrong!

Duby: Well they make those stupid faces when they change our diapers!

Sly: Its our Intelligence everyone, Our Intelligence... Dirty Diapers... that's funny though.

Sly: Now is the time to take a side. You're either with her, or you're with us!

Duby: I'm with you!

Teddie: We're with you!

Sly: Basil? Decide. Decide, Basil.

Basil: Let's Kick Butt!

Sly: All right! He's with us! Hooray!

Sly: All right guys... should i tell her what i think? I think that if you're going to talk so much out of your ass, maybe you should wear a bow-tie on your butt!

Basil: A Bow-Tie on her butt? That's disgusting Sylvester!

Teddie: Your syntax is interesting

Basil: Its because he watches television all the time. Nice language Sylvester.

Sly: Nice face Basil. Ewwwww!

Teddie: Bow-Tie on her butt? I still don't get it. You wear diapers on your butt, not bow-ties.

[Jerzy is in disguise, in full Hasidic rabbi costume]

Basil: Why are you dressed like a priest?

[pause]

Jerzy: You're an idiot.

Basil: Get his Valium.

Basil: Please, please! We don't want applause. Let's keep things as unfrantic and cerebral as possible. If you have any questions, ask them during the breaks. The selection you just heard was the "Nuclear Love Song" composed by our percussionist. Next is an original of my own, written for guitar and flute, entitled "A Meeting Between Shakespeare and Satchel Paige on Hampstead Heath".

Basil: I'm in no mood to be food.