Bartender Quotes in The Magnificent Seven (2016)

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Bartender Quotes:

  • Sam Chisolm: Powder Dan ran with an outlaw name of July Bully, may he rest in peace.

    Bartender: He's dead?

    Sam Chisolm: Yes, sir.

    Bartender: How'd he die.

    Sam Chisolm: [whispers] I whispered in his ear.

    Bartender: Yeah, what's that?

    Sam Chisolm: Come here.

    [both lean in]

    Sam Chisolm: Bring them in.

    [guns cocking all around the bar]

  • James Bond: [after Bond has just lost his 10 million in the game, to the bartender in the casino] Vodka-martini.

    Bartender: Shaken or stirred?

    James Bond: [agitated] Do I look like I give a damn?

  • James Bond: [to the bar tender in the casino] Dry Martini.

    Bartender: Oui, monsieur.

    James Bond: Wait... three measures of Gordon's; one of vodka; half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it over ice, and add a thin slice of lemon peel.

    Bartender: Yes, sir.

    Tomelli: You know, I'll have one of those.

    Infante: So will I.

    Bartender: Certainly.

    Felix Leiter: My friend, bring me one as well, keep the fruit.

    Le Chiffre: [annoyed] That's it? Hm? Anyone want to play poker now?

    Felix Leiter: Someone's in a hurry.

  • Bartender: [in a bar] so where you been?

    Waingro: [referring to serving time at Pelican Bay State Prison Inside the Special Housing Unit] in the SHU at Pelican Bay, B- wing

    Bartender: [remains silent]

    Waingro: [asking him if he any jobs he can work] I'm a cowboy, looking for anything "heavy", that guy told me to come see you, that is why I am here

    Bartender: [writes down contact information and hands it to him] why don't you call this guy, he's always looking for extra help.

    Waingro: thank you, brother.

  • [the bartender is pointing his shotgun at Wolverine]

    Bartender: Get out of my bar, freak!

  • [Ponda Baba gives Luke a rough shove and starts yelling at Luke in an alien language which Luke doesn't understand]

    Dr. Evazan: [explaining] He doesn't like you.

    Luke Skywalker: Sorry.

    Dr. Evazan: [grabbing Luke] *I* don't like you either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems.

    Luke Skywalker: I'll be careful.

    Dr. Evazan: You'll be dead!

    Ben Obi-Wan Kenobi: [intervening] This little one's not worth the effort. Come, let me get you something.

    [Dr. Evazan shoves Luke across the room and pulls out a blaster]

    Bartender: No blasters! No blasters!

    [Obi-Wan ignites his lightsaber, killing Dr. Evazan and severing Ponda Baba's arm]

  • [Creed has a drink in a bar after killing Silver Fox]

    Bartender: You're not from around here, are you?

    Victor Creed: [carving a smiley face into the table] What gave me away?

    Logan: [outside, having tracked Creed down] VICTOR!

    Victor Creed: [to the bartender] You got insurance on this place?

    Bartender: Insurance? No.

    Victor Creed: Too bad...

    [Logan crashes into the bar]

    Victor Creed: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.

    Bartender: Guys, whatever this is, take it outside.

    Logan: I wanna know why!

    Victor Creed: Why? You don't call. You don't write. How else am I supposed to get your attention?

    [They charge at each other]

  • Ricky Bobby: Nobody plays jazz at the Pit Stop!

    Jean Girard: Then why is the song on the jukebox?

    Bartender: We use it for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.

  • Rocco: That was funny, wasn't it? That was real fucking funny, huh? Huh?

    Bartender: Not me! Not me!

    Rocco: [shoots him] It was FUNNY! FUNNY! FUNNY! FUNNY!

    [gun clicks empty]

  • [1885 - Marty walks into a saloon, dressed in the outfit that Doc Brown gave him in 1955]

    Saloon Old-Timer #1: Take a look and see what just breezed in the door.

    Saloon Old-Timer #2: Why, I didn't know the circus was in town.

    Saloon Old Timer #3: Musta got that shirt off'n a dead Chinee.

    Bartender: What'll it be, stranger?

    Marty McFly: Uh, I'll have an... ice water.

    [the old-timers laugh]

    Saloon Old Timer #3: Ice water?

    Bartender: Water? You want water, you better go dunk ya head in the horse trough out there.

    [pulls out a shot glass and pours into it]

    Bartender: In here, we pour whiskey.

  • Marty McFly: How many did he have?

    Bartender: Just the one.

    Marty McFly: Just the one? Come on, Doc!

    Bartender: There's a fella that can't hold his liquor.

  • Bartender: [the bartender and his assistant, Joey mix up a special "wake-up juice" using hot peppers, Tabasco sauce and chili powder] In about ten minutes, he's gonna be as sober as a priest on Sunday.

    Marty McFly: [sees clock outside - they have 10 minutes to get to the train] Ten minutes? Why do we have to cut these things so damn close?

  • Marty McFly: [running into the Saloon] Doc. What are you doin'?

    Doc: I've lost her, Marty. There's nothing left for me here.

    Marty McFly: Yeah, that's why you gotta come back with me.

    Doc: Where?

    Marty McFly: Back to the future.

    Doc: [Nods his head] Right. Let's get going.

    [puts down his glass of whiskey]

    Marty McFly: [muffled] Great.

    Doc: Gentlemen, excuse me. But, my friend and I have to catch a train.

    Saloon Old-Timer #1: Cheers to ya, blacksmith.

    Saloon Old Timer #3: And to the future.

    Saloon Old-Timer #2: Amen.

    Doc: [picks up his glass of whiskey] Amen.

    Bartender: Emmett, no!

    [Doc throws back the whiskey and turns and passes out, tipping over a table in the process]

  • Marty McFly: Listen, you got a back door to this place?

    Bartender: Yeah, it's in the back.

  • Bartender: Emmett! What can I get you? The usual?

    Doc: No, Chester, I'm gonna need something a lot stronger than that tonight.

    Bartender: Sarsaparilla?

    Doc: Whiskey, Chester.

    Bartender: Whiskey? Emmett, are you sure? You remember what happened to you on the 4th of July?

    Doc: Whiskey.

    Bartender: [gets out a whiskey bottle and a shot glass, and pours it] Okay, I ain't your papa. I just don't want to see you do the wrong thing.

  • Bartender: [On the day Marty is set to face Buford in a shootout] Seamus! I didn't expect to see you here this early!

    Seamus McFly: Aye. But somethin' told me I should be here, as if my future had something to do with it.

  • Martz: That was my cat.

    Eli: Fine specimen.

    Martz: I saw you knock him off the bar.

    Eli: No. I kind of shooed him. I didn't really knock him...

    Martz: You raised your hand at him.

    Eli: Won't happen again, I promise you.

    Bartender: Hey, Martz, how about another drink?

    Martz: That cat's been coming here for two years. Its got more right to be here than you.

    Eli: I don't want any trouble.

    Martz: Well that's too bad. Cuz you got...

    Eli: [Eli slams Martz's head on the bar railing] "I know who you are. Murderer of innocent travelers on the road. You're gonna be held to account for the things you've done, do you know that? Do you?

  • Yamagata: Try selling some normal drinks sometime, huh?

    Bartender: How about buying something for once? This isn't a hangout!

    Yamagata: And drink that dog piss you sell?

  • Lee: Whassup, my nigga?

    Bartender: What did you just say?

    Lee: Whassup, my nigga.

  • Bartender: When the best security chief this planet ever had is leaving, the least I can do is buy him a pan of Kerbango on the house. Of course, I'm sure our little argeement is still in effect. Now that you're leaving, that unfortunate little incident won't somehow magically appear in my file.

    Terl: Of course not. I'm a Psychlo of my word.

    Bartender: Because I've always told you everything I've overheard in here.

    Terl: Yeah, and your information has often proved to be quite useful.

    Bartender: We know how they overreact back in home planets. I don't know what I'd do if they found out.

    Terl: Well, you'd better start figuring it out!

    Bartender: You just said it won't appear in my file.

    Terl: I said it won't *magically* appear. There'll be nothing magical about it. I'm going to put it there.

    Bartender: How about you being a Psychlo of your word?

    Terl: I am a Psychlo of my word, and I will honor our agreement to the letter. As long as you were providing me with useful information, I wouldn't file the report. But now that I'm leaving this pitiful excuse for a planet, you will no longer be providing me with useful information, will you?

    Bartender: I'm begging you, my son just got accepted into the academy, first one ever in my family. You know how much it costs. Please, as a friend, couldn't you forget to file the report?

    Terl: Well... as a friend I could forget to file the report. But unfortunately... I'm not your friend! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

  • Dumbass Outlaw: He don't look so tough.

    Bartender: He looks tough to me.

    Dumbass Outlaw: Not to me. Watch this.

    [draws a knife]

    Dumbass Outlaw: Hey, Hex! What happened to your face-?

    [a gunshot blasts him through a window, and Hex lifts his hat off the bar, revealing his pistol]

    Jonah Hex: Cut myself shaving, what happened to yours?

    [drops a coin on the bar]

    Jonah Hex: For the broken window.

  • [Hodge drunkenly repeats Captain Larson's speech, trying to hit on the female bartender]

    Billy Hodge: We go to "A" School, which is the most difficult school in the military. The attrition rate's like... what is it, 50 percent?

    Jake Fischer: 50 percent.

    Billy Hodge: Over 50 percent. We're still here. Cause we're the best of the best. When storms shut down entire ports, you know who goes out? Uh, we do. When hurricanes ground the US Navy, these little guys over there, guess who goes out? That's right, we do!

    Bartender: Look honey, you'd better keep it down in here.

    Billy Hodge: Okay, honey.

    [to Jake]

    Billy Hodge: She called me 'honey'!

    [to the bartender]

    Billy Hodge: Okay, honey! But when God himself reaches down from heaven... What does he do, Jake?

    Jake Fischer: [trying not to laugh] Rips houses off the foundations.

    Billy Hodge: When God himself rips houses off the foundations, we go out! Because we are rescue swimmers, and that's what we do.

  • Bartender: What you people want?

    Jesse: Just a couple more minutes of your time, about the same duration as the rest of your life.

  • Bartender: There are two ways you can leave these here premises.

    Severen: Is that a fact?

    Bartender: That's a fact. On your feet or on your back.

    Severen: That's pretty tough words for a bartender, huh? Gee whiz. If you're not gonna serve me a drink, well... I'll just have to drink his.

    [drinks the patron's shot and then spits it on him]

    Severen: How can you drink that shit?

  • Hero: Listen to me. A storm o'hell's coming down on this place any second. I don't know what they are, I don't know where they came from. All I do know is that these fuckers are fast, nasty, and hungry... and there's four of 'em. They got claws like Ginsu knives and more teeth than a chainsaw. They're comin'... right now. So we gotta lock this bar down. That means doors, windows, drains, and zippers, and we gotta do it now. You! Get a phone, call the cops, National Guard, townies, anybody who kicks ass, and get 'em out here. Any questions?

    Bartender: Yeah. Who the hell are you?

    Hero: I'm the guy that's gonna save your ass.

    [a monster immediately reaches through the window and kills him]

  • Bozo: [Locked in bedroom as monster is coming through window] Okay! I'm ready to come out now!

    Bartender: [Bartender fumbles outside with key; it breaks in the lock] Oh.

    Bozo: [Panicking, rattling doorknob] OH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OH"?

    Coach: [Relatively calmly. i.e. oh, shit] Cheese and crackers.

  • Bartender: C'mon, I'll take you to your car.

    Honey Pie: [as Coach steps up beside Honey Pie at the bar] Not tonight. I have an escort.

    Bartender: That'll be eighteen bucks, pal.

    Bartender: [Coach opens wallet to pay, wedding ring falls out. Honey Pie shoves him to the ground and walks off. Re: tab] Guess I'll just keep this open.

  • Bozo: Any more ideas, Animal Planet?

    Coach: I-I was just being proactive!

    Bartender: Hey Dipshit, I didn't see you helpin' did I...

    Bozo: Oh, go douche, Grandpa!

    Beer Guy: What now?

    Tuffy: We're stuck in here, that's what.

  • Bozo: YOU!

    Grandma: [Drunkenly] What?

    Bozo: You know somethin'!

    Grandma: Huh?

    Bozo: You're old! You've seen things!

    Grandma: I don't know a thing.

    Bartender: Easy there...

    Bozo: Back off me, whitey! I'm interrogating her.

    Bozo: Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and shit.

    Grandma: No... really... I don't...

    Bozo: Come on! Spill it! Or I'll get rough!

    Grandma: I don't know anything!

    [Points to Bartender]

    Grandma: Why don't you ask him? He's old!

    Heroine: Relax. She doesn't know anything.

    Bozo: Yeah... allegedly.

  • Putnam: [Philo accidentally bumps into Putnam, seated at his table after getting the goodbye note from Lynn at The Palamino] Hey, why don't you watch what the hell you're doing?

    Philo Beddoe: Why don't you shut your face, boy?

    Putnam: [standing up] Oh, what have we got here? A real live, macho cowboy.

    [Philo turns to leave... Putnam grabs his arm]

    Putnam: Don't turn your back on me!

    [Philo punches him in the face and triggers a free-for-all brawl]

    Philo Beddoe: [punching Putnam] Somebody call the cops!

    Bartender: They ARE the cops!

    Philo Beddoe: [drops Putnam] Shit.

    [leaves]

  • Nick Alexander: Did anyone ever tell you that you have beautiful legs?

    Bartender: Oh, Nick! You can't see them from here.

    Nick Alexander: No, but I do have a good imagination. Well, actually I'm just trying to be nice.

  • Bartender: Do you want a glass?

    Rita Rizzoli: Do I want a glass? No, wrap it in a taco dumb motherf - -er, yes I want a glass.

  • Chuck Clarke: [Chuck and Lyle are songwriting at the bar after closing time] Can't we just have half an hour?

    Bartender: Half an hour? Half an hour like the last half hour?

    Chuck Clarke: [to Lyle] Hey, how about, how about "Give me half an hour like the last half hour"

    Lyle Rogers: [Playing furiously] Give me half an hour!

    Chuck Clarke: Like the last half-hour!

    Lyle Rogers: Give me half an hour!

    Chuck Clarke: Like the last half-hour!

  • Scott: I'm looking for my niece...

    Bartender: Oh yeah? 'Cause a lot of guys come in here looking for someone else's niece...

  • Bartender: It's two after six. We don't serve domestic after six. Only imported.

    Harper: Terrific. Keep the change.

    Bartender: There is no change.

    Harper: [pause] Keep it anyway.

  • Lew Harper: [Asked if he was from Vegas] Oh, yeah. I just come up.

    Bartender: You know, I would've guessed you were from Vegas.

    Lew Harper: No kidding? You can tell, huh? Oh, really tell. You must be physic.

    Bartender: Psychic, you mean.

  • [Lin McAdam and High-Spade are signing up for the shooting contest]

    Bartender: Who would you be?

    High-Spade Frankie Wilson: High-Spade Frankie Wilson... with a hyphen. That's what I sit on when I get tired.

  • Bartender: How you like the Coon-Ass Beer, man?

    Lew Harper: [belching] It works.

  • Bartender: [breaks a block of ice with his head, hands the girl her drink and asks] Wanna have dinner tonight, babycakes?

  • Richard: [Richard just found out that bartender is a Devil] Dammit, I should've known... you little devil you... but I haven't seen you before!

    Bartender: It's also my first pick-up

  • Robert 'Bobby' Samuels: [Waves shotgun at bartender] This is my warrant bitch, you're coming with me

    Bartender: Sorry, can't read

  • Jack Thornton: Did I ever tell you about my grandpa? Died when he was a hundred and six.

    Bartender: What interrupted his youth?

    Jack Thornton: He quit drinking.

  • John Haven: [gesturing at the piano player] Doesn't he ever stop playing?

    Bartender: Sam? It don't bother him, he's deaf.

  • Second Lt. Stellman: You a stranger here?

    [Haven turns to him, then turns back to the bar and downs his whiskey]

    John Haven: [to bartender] What kind of whiskey was that?

    Bartender: On the bottle it says rye, but the way you take it I don't see what difference it makes.

    John Haven: I'll have another rye.

    Second Lt. Stellman: You didn't answer my question.

    John Haven: I'm a stranger everywhere.

    Second Lt. Stellman: You got a job?

    John Haven: Listen, soldier, I know that one too. 'Got a job, stranger? No? Why don't you join the army? Three meals a day, a place to sleep, nice warm uniform.'

    Second Lt. Stellman: It has a little more than that.

    John Haven: Yeah, it has one thing more. That I could never take. It's got second lieutenants.

    Second Lt. Stellman: You want to make this a personal matter? Alright.

    John Haven: I don't make it anything, soldier. You tried to sell me something, I didn't buy it. Why don't you beat it?

    Second Lt. Stellman: If I weren't in uniform I might teach you a few manners.

    John Haven: If you could teach me anything you wouldn't be in a uniform.

  • Bartender: You couldn't be looking for trouble, could you?

    John Haven: I could, but I'm not.

    Bartender: Well that's fine. Because this is one of the best places west of the Atlantic Ocean to find it.

    John Haven: That was my first impression.

    Bartender: That lieutenant's a nice young boy.

    John Haven: I don't doubt it. But his mouth is too big... like your ears.

  • Bartender: I got a call here for a Mister Doo? I got a call for Mister Doo.

    Melvin: [Stands up] Uh, Melvin Doo?

    Bartender: Nah. Scooby.

  • Bartender: [to Velma] "Nice Sweater."

  • Bartender: [after Lawrence enters with a dirty Bedouin] This is a bar for British officers!

    T.E. Lawrence: That's all right. We're not particular.

  • Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.

    Bartender: Never heard of it.

    Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?

    Serendipity: Don't...

    Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No?

    [Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]

    Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...

    [Azrael pulls out an MAC-11, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]

    Azrael: Get it?

    Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?

    Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!

    Azrael: Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.

    [referring to Bethany]

    Jay: [face lights up] Oh... wait. I get it. Holy Bartender! Ha, ha, ha!

  • Ben Wheeler: But leaving would be like giving up.

    Phil Taylor: That's exactly what it would be, Ben - giving up! So let's just give up. Let's get out of here. Let's get ourselves a wagon master and go home. Let's go east. What do you say?

    Bartender: I say you're a bunch of gutless lily-livered, yellow-belly eastern sissies. All you've done since you got here was whine and complain. Now why don't you go back and leave the west to the real men?

    Julian Rogers: Well, actually, I could have the books on the wagon really quickly. And the cappucino machine, you know, is going to travel like a dream.

  • [Hickock just shot the "drunk" who tried to kill him]

    Bartender: Did you know the man, Bill?

    Wild Bill Hickock: Never laid eyes on the gentleman before.

    Jack Crabb: Mr, Hickcock; that man's really dead!

    Wild Bill Hickock: Yep; got him through the heart and lungs both.

  • Billy Campbell: One more, bottlekeeper!

    Billy Campbell: [finishes the drink in front of him] Better make it two!

    Billy Campbell: [noticing the bartender's impatience] We keeping you up?

    Bartender: Yes, sir!

    Billy Campbell: [sarcastically] The wages of gin!

  • Bartender: [In response to a patron asking about the safety glass that shields her from the lions] Don't worry, lady; O'Hara had it made special.

    [raps his knuckles on the glass twice]

    Bartender: That'll hold *anything*.

  • Bartender: What'll ya have?

    Jean Tom: Er, uh... milk.

    Bartender: Uh... milk?

    Robespierre: No, no, no! C'mon Jean Tom, let's live it up! STRAIGHT CREAM!

    Meowrice: No, no, no, Robespierre. Here we have a little something called champagne.

  • Bartender: The bar's closed.

    Aileen: Then do you think you could pull that stick out of your ass? Hm? Now that "the bar's closed".

  • Malcolm X: I ordered a single, Jack.

    Bartender: The double's on that man, Jack.

    Malcolm X: Who is that?

    Bartender: That's West Indian Archie.

    Malcolm X: Yeah? What's his angle?

    Bartender: Some uh this, some uh that.

  • [Bartender shuts the T.V]

    Bob Morales: Hey, what the hell! Man I was watching that! Put that back on!

    Bartender: You've had enough for one afternoon, buddy.

    Bob Morales: Put it back on! That dude's my brother!

    Bartender: Yeah and I'm your Irish uncle.

  • Young Women at Bar: [in a scene being filmed at Capitol Pictures, a bar full of sailors is closing for the night, and the young women are going home] So long, fellas. See ya in eight months.

    Bartender: Eight months?

    Sailor: Yeah, we're shippin' out in the morning.

    Sailor: Golly, eight months without a dame.

    Burt Gurney (as Sailor in Bar Scene): Can you beat it?

    Bartender: You're gonna have to beat it!

  • Ron Burgundy: [singing drunk] ... Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon deliiiight... Ahh... I make fart-noises with my mouth, and I like it cause...

    Bartender: Hey nutjob, quit the singing! You creeping out all the regulars.

    Ron Burgundy: I'm expressing my inner anguish THROUGH THE MAJESTY OF SONG!

  • Bartender: You know, times are changing. Ladies can do stuff now and you're going to learn how to deal with it.

    Ron Burgundy: What? Were you saying something? Look, I don't speak Spanish.

  • Bartender: He's been struck by lightning... how many times has it been now, Reg?

    Reg: S-s-s-s-s-s-s-six...

    Chet: Six times?

    Reg: S-s-s-six-six-six-six-six-six-sixty-sixty-six times. In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n-In-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n the head!

    Chet: Sixty six times? God, that's gotta hurt.

  • Lucky DayNed Nederlander: [singing] My little Buttercup has the sweetest smile/ Dear little Buttercup, won't you stay a while?/ We'll settle down together in a cottage built for two/ Oh, Dear little Buttercup, I love you!

    Lucky Day: [motioning for people to join in singing] C'mon, everybody!

    Lucky DayNed Nederlander: My little Buttercup has the sweetest...

    [points to man]

    Patron: Es-smile!

    Lucky DayNed Nederlander: Dear little Buttercup, won't you stay a...

    [points to another man]

    Patron #2: While! While!

    Lucky DayNed Nederlander: We'll settle down together in a cottage built for two, ohh...

    [Lucky and Ned point to group at table]

    Crowd at Bar: Dear!

    Lucky DayNed Nederlander: Little Buttercup!

    [Lucky and Ned point to another group]

    Crowd at Bar: Sweet!

    Lucky DayNed Nederlander: Little Buttercup!

    [Lucky points to bartender]

    Bartender: My little Buttercup!

    Lucky DayNed Nederlander: I love you!

  • Bartender: We don't have beer. Just tequila.

    Ned Nederlander: What's tequila?

    Bartender: Uh, it's like beer.

  • Mickey: Uh, barkeep, I'd like to speak with Porky.

    Bartender: Porky's busy.

    Mickey: Yeah, well he ain't too busy for what I want. I want to pay for some pussy.

    Bartender: Pay me.

    Mickey: [Firmly] I want to talk to Porky.

    Bartender: [Shrugs] Okay, if that's what you want.

    [Walks off laughing softly]

    Mickey: [to the gang] See? You just got to show them who's boss.

  • [Porky, his bouncers, the bartender, and one of his strippers are chatting amongst themselves; Billy enters the bar]

    Billy: [yells] Soo-ee! Soo! Soo-soo-soo-ee!

    Bartender: What the hell is that?

    Billy: I wanna see Porky.

    Bartender: Who wants to see Porky?

    Billy: Tell him the boys from Angel Beach are here. Tell him to bring the best he's got and meet us in the parking lot. Now!

    [Porky and the gang laughs as Billy leaves the bar]

    Bartender: Do you believe that? Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

    [sing-songy]

    Bartender: Oh, Porky! The boys from Angel Beach are here!

  • Bartender: These aren't your friends. They like you because you're buying them drinks. People like you don't have friends.

  • Freddie: [Allen is passed out and laying on the bar in a snack bowl] You see, drinking is a matter of algebraic ratio. How drunk you get is caused by the amount of alcohol you consume in relation to your total body weight. You see my point? It's not that you had too much to drink. You're just too skinny.

    [Allen remains comatose]

    Freddie: Bartender! Another round for my friend and I here!

    Allen: No, no, Freddie. I don't want to get drunk!

    Freddie: But you *are* drunk. You see, a sober person would have reached for the pretzels.

    Bartender: Is he gonna' be up there all day?

    Freddie: I don't know.

    Allen: [coming to] Ohhhh... I'm on the bar!

    Freddie: Oh, you're on the bar. Here, let me help you down.

    [Allen slips and falls to the floor]

    Freddie: Uh-oh, you fell.

  • Deuce Bigalow: Martini, two olives.

    [looks around room]

    Deuce Bigalow: Any ladies need some entertainment tonight?

    Bartender: [sets the martini down] Eight fifty.

    Deuce Bigalow: Eight dollars?

    Bartender: And fifty cents.

    Deuce Bigalow: How much just for a plain cranberry juice?

    Bartender: Oh, three dollars.

    Deuce Bigalow: Well I'll go for that.

    Bartender: [sets the juice down] There you go. That's uh, eleven fifty.

    Deuce Bigalow: Uh, no, no. Perhaps you misunderstood me. I wish to cancel my original order of the martini and two olives and go for just the plain cranberry juice, by itself, for the three dollars. And I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

    Bartender: Uh, perhaps you don't understand. If you don't pay me now, I'm gonna take this swizzle stick, and uh, I'll be shoving that right up your pee hole.

  • Bartender: What? What do you want?

    Jack: I'll have uh... Shirley Temple with extra Marciano cherries

    Bartender: [correcting him] Maraschino.

    Jack: That's what I said, Maras-*CHINO.*

    Paulie: Get him a Madonna. Know who Madonna is right?

    Jack: Who?

    Paulie: Shirley Temple without the cherry.

  • Starsky: Wrong answer, Big Earl.

    Bartender: Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl, I'm Jeff.

    Hutch: Yeah, sure, no-one's who they say they are.

    Bartender: Seriously. Think about it, I'm not even big.

    Hutch: Yeah, he's got a point.

    Starsky: Maybe it's one of those ironic names like Tiny over in vice. He's like eight feet tall and everyone calls him Tiny.

    Hutch: Except this guy's kind of normal size, he'd have to be a lot smaller for a name like Big Earl to be ironic.

    Starsky: You don't have to be a midget, how tall are you?

    Bartender: I don't know, 5'9"?

    Starsky: Well that is kind of?

    Hutch: It's borderline, it's average.

  • Bartender: Save your money, stud-muffin. The lady at the end of the bar sends her love.

  • Bartender: What's your stratagy, Captain?

    Major Chuck Lockwood: Right now, I'm torn between suicide and desertion!

  • Bertram Pincus: I don't *want* a Sapphire martini up with olives!

    Bartender: Well, that narrows it down...

  • Bartender: All right! All right! But only on one condition! Everybody pays cash!

  • Joel: Give me another one, make it a double.

    Bartender: You look like you had a bad day.

    Joel: Heh, tell me about it.

    Bartender: Well, you came in here looking like crap and you haven't said very much.

    Joel: You can say that again.

    Bartender: Well, you came in here looking like crap and you haven't said very much.

  • Elvira: Bloody Mary.

    Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?

    Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.

  • Chester: Idiot. Moron. Jerkoff.

    Bartender: Hey buddy, what's your problem? I don't have to take your bullshit.

    Chester: Oh, I wasn't talkin' to you. I was talkin' to myself.

  • Bartender: Look, buddy. You ought to get out there and start dating again.

    Chester: You go out there, what do you meet? You meet girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls.

    Bartender: Well, you know what they say, there's plenty of fish in the sea if you got the right bait.

    Chester: Yeah. The trouble is, my hook ain't what it used to be.

  • King Marchand: [Looking to start a bar fight; to the bartender:] Milk.

    Bartender: [Sarcastically] Would that be cow's milk, monsieur, or mother's milk?

    King Marchand: How about your sister's?

    [Fight starts]

  • Bartender: Remember what the sheriff said: no more shootin' till the sun goes down.

    Townsman: Is that what he said?

    Bartender: That's close enough, brother. Drinks are on the house!

  • Bartender: I never saw anyone get buzzed off of orange juice.

    Sheldon: Let me tell you a secret - if you squirt a little liquid alfalfa in, it's blast off time.

  • Woman: Jerry, I need two Rum Collins, two Jack Daniels, one on the rocks, and a Heineken.

    Bartender: [to Henry] What'll it be?

    Henry: Jerry, I need two Rum Collins, two Jack Daniels, one on the rocks, and a Heineken. Please.

  • [Gus on the phone with a bartender]

    Gus: Is there a Murray there?

    Bartender: [to the patrons] Is there a Murray here?

    [Into the phone]

    Bartender: I don't think he's here, pal.

    Gus: See if there's a waste of fucking life named Murray, try that.

    Bartender: [to the patrons] Is there a fucking waste of life named Murray here?

    Murray: Gussy? Yeah that's me.

  • Bartender: So, how do you like your eggs done in the morning, scrambled or fertilized?

  • Bartender: And I'm not gay, ok? I get that all the time. No, I'm not gay.

  • Bartender: Those clothes and my clothes would look good on my floor.

  • Horrace: [walks up to bar] Martel's and coke. One ice cube. In a snifter this time.

    Bartender: Snifters are for warm drinks.

    Horrace: Yeah, snifters are for cognac.

    Bartender: When served warm.

    Horrace: What's the matter? You ain't got no snifters in this motherfucker?

    Bartender: We have snifters?

    Horrace: Then put my Martel's in a snifter.

    [bartender walks away to get a snifter]

    Horrace: Like I'm gonna break her goddamn snifter.

  • Bartender: I need to see some ID.

    Michelle Marks: Oh, he's 22, I'll vouch for him.

    Bartender: [to Jordan] When were you born?

    Jordan: Uh... 1947.

  • Frankie, the Big Kahuna: [at the bar] Gimme another one, Little Buddy.

    Bartender: Don't call me that. I *hate* that!

  • James J. Jamison III: [Discussing Jamison Jammies] We have a new item coming out this year. But I gotta tell you, it's so sheer, you don't know where the jammies stop and the girl starts.

    Bartender: [Salacious chuckling, then a straight face] Forget it. I got six kids already, more I don't need, right?

    James J. Jamison III: Right. How about something in flannel?

  • Clinton: [dressed gayly and getting hit on by a guy] Scram, loser. I'm as straight as they come.

    Bartender: Sure you are, yummy boy.

    Clinton: This closet's closed.

  • Joey: How'd you know my name?

    Bartender: Oh, I can read your mind.

    Joey: Wow. What am I thinking right now?

    Bartender: Well, you're thinking "this bartender is crazy!"

    Joey: You're good.

    Bartender: You're afraid of being a loser for the rest of your life. Too late for you. Too late for the band. I would say you're 30 pounds of junk food and a retail job away from killing yourself. Just a guess.

  • Bartender: Every man should know the love of a dog, and the love of tequila Mexica.

  • [Finn pushes the $1 key on the cash register and .10 shows up, he opens the cash register case to examine it, and .10 appears when he presses the $1 key again]

    [first lines]

    Mickey Finn: Hey, this thing ain't workin' right.

    Bartender: It's working all right for me.

    [Finn does a double take]

  • John Kent: Give me a dozen brandies.

    Bartender: A dozen?

    John Kent: Yeah and line 'em up right here.

  • Bartender: What's the problem?

    Georgia: Do you see cigarettes? That's the problem.

    Bartender: How much money did you put in?

    Georgia: Twelve dollar like it says.

  • Bartender: I don't want trouble in here. Two things happen to a man in jail. He comes out a killer or he comes out a Christian. Either way, I don't want him in here.

  • Frank Fencepost: Felix, do you think women are thinking something?

    Bartender: More than you know, Frank. More than you'll ever know.

  • [from trailer]

    Bartender: What brings you to these parts, stranger?

    Sugar Wolf: [slaps the bartender] I ain't no stranger to these parts.

  • Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: [referring to the band] Why don't they play something gay?

    [meaning happy]

    Bartender: Why don't you acquire a gay viewpoint. It's all mental - every bit of it. Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you frown alone.

    Woodrow Lafayette Pershing Truesmith: I'd just as soon be alone if it's the same to you.

    Bartender: Gratitude.

  • Carmine Rosato: We're all very happy about your decision, Frankie. You're not going to regret it!

    Frank Pentangeli: I don't like this C-note, Rosato. I take that as an insult.

    Tony Rosato: [wraps a garrote around Pentangeli's neck] Michael Corleone says "Hello"!

    [drags Pentangeli to a back room and with the help of two "buttonmen" tries to shove him into a closet]

    Tony Rosato: [shouts] Get his head in! Close the fuckin' door!

    Carmine Rosato: [a cop walks into the bar] Your friend, the cop, what the f...

    Policeman: Hey, Rich, it's dark in here. You open or closed?

    Bartender: Hey, I just came in to clean up a little, you know? What's wrong?

    Policeman: [noticing Pentangeli] Is that something on the floor?

    Bartender: [Carmine starts to pull a gun on the officer] Carmine, No! Not here! Not a cop! Let him go!

    Carmine Rosato: ANTHONY!

    [as the cop starts to draw his billy club, Tony and the buttonmen run out of the back room and shove the cop into a booth, then grab Carmine and rush him out the door, followed by the cop, his gun drawn]

    Tony Rosato: [to the policeman] You open your fuckin' mouth, I'll blow your head off!

    [a gunfight erupts in the street as the Rosato Brothers try to escape]

  • Bartender: [over the noise in the background, inside the crowded club] How's the game going?

    Rusty: Longest hour of my life.

    Bartender: [not hearing him] What?

    Rusty: I'm running away with your wife.

    Bartender: Great!

    [He grins and flashes Rusty a thumbs-up]

  • Bartender: That green beer you're peddlin' just ain't any good.

    Bowtie Driver: It ain't supposed to be good! It's supposed to be bought.

    Bartender: I ain't buyin'.

    Bowtie Driver: Don't worry about it, pops! We won't come back.

  • Bartender: You're ruining my business, Sarge. These raids every night. No one can get a moment's peace! They're human beings, too.

    Police Sargeant: You think we stay up all night just for the hell of it?

    Bartender: No. But you're drivin' away my clientele and you won't find the guy you're lookin' for here anyway. If you know how steamed they are at the guy who's causing these raids. Especially the girls. Sure, they solicit. Business is business. But believe me, in every one of them beats a mother's heart! I know a lot of toughs who get all teary eyed just seein' the little ones at play. If they ever get their hands on that monster, they'll make toothpicks out of him!

  • [first lines]

    Vann Siegert: [Vann walks into a bar, seeing a lady and a bartender] Do you have any pie?

    Bartender: Nope.

    Vann Siegert: Hmm.

    Bartender: No pie. No pizza. No kitchen. Just booze.

    Laurie Bloom: You got pickles.

    [the three of them look at the pickle jar that's full of yellow juice and yellow pickles]

  • [Vann has a pickle conversation with the bartender and Laurie]

    Laurie Bloom: You think anyone's ever made a pie out of pickles?

    Vann Siegert: I hope not.

    Laurie Bloom: There are people that eat pickles with ice cream.

    Bartender: Pregnant women maybe. But I never heard of anybody making a pie out of pickles.

    Laurie Bloom: [Laurie holds up her drink] Well, then who buys them? I'd like to get pickled.

    Bartender: You are, baby.

  • Bartender: Goddamn prairie niggers!

  • Bartender: Yes, Miss?

    Carol Richman: Pinch-bottle and water.

  • Bartender: [nervously] If you don't like the beer, mister, you don't have to pay for it.

    Peter Gusenberg: Well now, ain't you the cat's pajamas!

  • Jim Wilson: Serve drinks to juveniles, you get into trouble. How many times do I have to tell you that?

    Bartender: Whatta ya want me to do...? Every dame comes in here, look at her teeth...?

  • Bartender: What are you drinking?

    Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD: I'm looking for a certain little scumbag, you know what I mean?

    Bartender: Can you narrow it down a little bit?

  • James Vanning: [Seeing a drink next to the barstool he's sitting down at] Is this one free?

    Bartender: She's alone if that's what you mean.

    James Vanning: Vodka on the rocks with a lemon twist.

    Bartender: A little twist or a big twist?

    James Vanning: [Sarcastically] You look like the big twist type.

  • Kenny Veech: I'll take a double.

    Bartender: How can you drink alone on a Saturday night?

    Kenny Veech: I'm getting exclusive, haven't you heard?

  • Bartender: Louie asked her how old she was. She said 23.

    Sergeant Joe Portugal: If she's 20, I'll eat that glass.

    Bartender: Well, Kelsey brought her in.

    Sergeant Joe Portugal: Okay, okay, but if I catch you selling liquor to minors, I'll bust this joint into toothpicks!

  • Victor Scott: [drunkenly] Told you to make it a double!

    Bartender: I did, Mr. Scott.

  • Bartender: Frenchy, 'e's waitin' in the bar for you.

  • Bartender: You want me to take a shot? All right.

    [pours himself a drink]

    Bartender: I'll take a shot!

  • Jesse: I'm having kind of an odd situation here, which is that... is... you see that girl over there? Yeah, well, this is our only night together. Here's the problem: The problem is that she wants a bottle of red wine, and I don't have any money. I was thinking that you might want to, um, give me the address of this bar, no, I know... and I would promise to send you the money, and you would make our night complete

    Bartender: You would send me the money?

    Jesse: Yes.

    Bartender: Your hand?

    Bartender: Okay. For the greatest night in your life.

    Jesse: Thank you very much

  • [Allie follows Hedy into an exotic club, as Hedy pretends to be Allie]

    Bartender: Allie! Hey, Allie - Regular or diet?

    Hedra Carlson: Diet!

    Hedy's Date: Something is different.

    Hedra Carlson: Yes.

    Hedy's Date: Yes.

    Hedra Carlson: [as Allie watches] Jim, you look like my sister's boyfriend.

  • Bartender: Confidentially, with me... one's too many and a million's not enough.

    Theresa: I got the same problem with men.

  • Bartender: I'm as liberal as the next guy.

    Sheriff Sam Deeds: If the next guy is a redneck.

  • Bartender: Are you guys new in the neighborhood?

    Ben: Are you kidding? There was a famous "sip in" right here in this bar to challenge the New York State regulation that prohibited bars from serving homosexuals.

    Bartender: Yeah, we have a clipping from The New York Times framed here somewhere.

    Ben: 1966. Me and four other guys, we came in here accompanied by five reporters. When we were denied service, we denounced the State Liquor Authority.

    Bartender: Oh my God. You're that guy?

    Ben: Yeah, I was one of the guys.

    Bartender: Wow. Well, this round's on me, fellas.

    [Ben and George start laughing as soon as the bartender leaves]

    George: You are such a liar!

    Ben: What?

    George: You'll do anything for a free drink!

    Ben: Well, I knew the guy who thought it up.

    George: Who, Frank?

    Ben: Yeah. That was his claim to fame.

    George: Oh, I thought his claim to fame was something entirely different.

    Ben: Well, that too.

    [both start laughing even harder]

  • Bartender: What do you want?

    John: I'll have the sweat of that hairy man's brow, thank you.

  • [Ted is hearing Pete's words in his head as his own thoughts]

    Bartender: What'll it be?

    Pete Sandich: Extra dry vodka martini. Don't forget the olive.

    Ted Baker: Root beer. Don't forget the olive.

  • Jeff Douglas: Frank, put it on the bill.

    Bartender: The bill, sir, is very high.

    Jeff Douglas: So am I!

  • Bartender: [to young Tommy] Sorry, my boy, children aren't allowed in the bar. You come back in about ten years, and I'll mix you a nice drink.

  • Lily Frayne: [Lily Frayne and her date, Pepe, are at the restaurant bar; Pepe looks troubled as he examines a bracelet on his wrist] I don't know why you're objecting to that slave bracelet. I buy one for all my friends. I used to wear two or three of them myself around my ankle in the old days. Everybody wears them.

    Pepe, Lily's Gigolo: Mon cher, please, I'm bored hearing about "The Stone Age."

    Lily Frayne: [shakes her diamond-covered hand at Pepe] That's where these rocks came from, lover, and don't forget it.

    [turns to Bartender]

    Lily Frayne: Darling, give Lily a shot for her bronchitis.

    Bartender: Of course, Miss Frayne.

    Lily Frayne: It's the sea air. I don't know why I live here.

    Bartender: I thought you liked the beach.

    Lily Frayne: Oh, I do, darling, I do.

    [glances at Pepe]

    Lily Frayne: But it's so boring. Nothing to do night or day but go to bed.

    Bartender: Why don't you make another picture, Miss Frayne? I thought you were great in "Salammbô."

    Lily Frayne: Lubitsch did, too, darling. Lubitsch did, too. We were giants in those days. Now you could put the whole bunch under a card table and nobody'd muss a hair.

    [glances at Pepe]

    Lily Frayne: Did you ever see me in "Salammbô," darling?

    Pepe, Lily's Gigolo: Sorry, I wasn't born then.

    Lily Frayne: [angry] Well, I was only eleven myself! They called me "Little Lily Frayne." I was the first child star ever to be chased around a desk.

  • Bartender: Jesus, I'm sorry. You look just like that kid. You know, he was sitting right in that seat where you are when he was arrested.

  • Pete Monahan: Give me five bourbons straight, will ya?

    Bartender: Five?

    Pete Monahan: Yeah, for me and the four horsemen - Fire, Disease, Death, and Famine.

    Bartender: Heh, heh, that's a misquotation.

    Pete Monahan: Yeah, yeah... just get the stuff.

  • [Gene and Frog enter a bar pretending to be murderous outlaws]

    Bartender: What'll it be, strangers?

    Frog Millhouse: I'd like a glass of milk.

    Gene Autry: [elbows Frog] Aw, he's always kidding. We'll drink whiskey straight and wash it down with lye.

  • Cézár: Give me a double Johnny Walker, please.

    Bartender: And instead of that?

  • Oscar: Dude, calm down before the fat man comes back.

    Bartender: What did you say, Oscar?

    Oscar: Nothing, sir.

    Bartender: Good, because if I want sarcasm, I will talk to my wife tonight, thank you very much.

  • Bartender: I've seen a man take two drinks of that stuff and go out and hunt bear with a willow switch.

    Reb Kittredge: What did he want the switch for?

  • Bartender: Name your poison, gentlemen. If we haven't got it, we'll make it!

  • Rosemary Howard: [At a Hawaiian-themed restaurant, watching while the bartender is garnishing an elaborate cocktail] Is he a bartender or a landscape architect?

    Adam J. Niles: He's an artist! Would you care for a "Scorpion's Kiss"?

    Rosemary Howard: Oh, is that what they're called?

    Adam J. Niles: Mm hmm... And this is a "Bikini".

    Rosemary Howard: That's an odd name for a drink: "Bikini".

    Adam J. Niles: That's because there's not much to it, but it hits the right spots.

    Rosemary Howard: [starting to giggle] Oh. Well, I've had two, and I don't feel a thing.

    Adam J. Niles: Oh, we better get you another one.

    Adam J. Niles: [Calling to the bartender] Hey, innkeeper, another brace of Bikinis, please.

    Bartender: Sorry, sir, only two to a customer.

    Rosemary Howard: Oh, come on!

    Bartender: Sorry, ma'am. That's a very powerful drink. There's an old Tahitian saying: "Okka noku pama, talla peeno pulla okka".

    Rosemary Howard: Oh... Just what does that old Tahitian mean by that?

    Bartender: Who knows? I'm from San Francisco.

    Adam J. Niles: Loopholes everywhere!

  • Bartender: Did you hurt your hand?

    Lt. Joe Rossi: Never do.

  • Levi Walking Bear: [at the bar] Whiskey! I said, Whiskey!

    Bartender: We don't serve Indians here.

    Levi Walking Bear: Then I serve myself.

    [pours drink for himself and Lomax]

    Levi Walking Bear: Join me.

    Lomax: Thanks.

    Taw Jackson: [Levi pours drink for Jackson] No thanks.

    Levi Walking Bear: You too good to drink with Indian?

    Taw Jackson: That's right.

    [Levi puts bottle down, hits Jackson, starts bar fight]

  • [Tom has just shot the unknown assailant who tried to bushwhack him]

    Bartender: Tom, it looks like you had an enemy.

    Tom Clay: Yeah. I wonder where I got him.

  • Bartender: Are you going to take over the whole job now?

    Tom Destry: What job?

    Bartender: Well, Rags was just in here and traded this

    [his sheriff's badge]

    Bartender: for a jug. I guess he figured it was better to be a first-rate drunk than a second-rate sheriff.

  • [Cleaned up and dressed as a proper lady, Wendy starts to leave. The cruel bartender stops her]

    Bartender: Hold it! Where're you going?

    Wendy: I'm leaving.

    Bartender: Oh really? Exactly where do you plan on going?

    Wendy: Away from you!

    Bartender: [gripping her by the arm] You ain't goin' no place.

    Wendy: [mutters] How much?

    Bartender: How much for what?

    Wendy: How much for you to let me leave?

    Bartender: [chucles] How much you got?

    Wendy: [draws a small pistol] I've got this! Unfortunately, it's all lead.

    [Wendy leaves]

  • Melvin Potter: Uh, I was going to ask you if you knew of some little business a man might get into. You get to hear about everything that goes on in town.

    Bartender: Well, if you've got the right kind of money, I happen to know that you can pick this place right up. You put some music out there, and you get some nice, shapely, uh - *entertainers* - and then you cut that Red Eye in half with uh, you know, a cheap alcohol... 'Course with me as a partner, you know, sorta look, uh, keep an eye on things around here for ya, Mista, you'd be ridin' high on the hog!

  • Drunk: Hey, you, come here. Give me another drink before the fight starts.

    Bartender: Say, wait a minute. When is this fight gonna start?

    Drunk: When you find out I can't pay for the drinks!

  • Jones: Headin' somewhere special?

    Bartender: No, just following my horse. When he gets tired, I get tired.

  • Buck Pearson: I'd like to get a room.

    Bartender: All right. Sign here.

    Buck Pearson: How much are they?

    Bartender: Thirty dollars.

    Buck Pearson: Thirty dollars is pretty steep for a week, isn't it?

    Bartender: Thirty dollars a day!

    Buck Pearson: The room ought to be big enough to hold my horse.

    Bartender: Oh, two in a room? That'll be ten dollars extra.

  • Drood: A shot of tequila.

    Bartender: Five bucks

    Drood: I'm a friend of Jim's.

    Bartender: A friend of Jim's?

    Drood: Yeah.

    Bartender: Five bucks.

    Drood: Five tequilas, then.

Browse more character quotes from The Magnificent Seven (2016)

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