Bart Quotes in Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Bart: Look, he's a twitcher.

[C.J. and Terry watch the twitching zombified security guard]

Bart: TV says you gotta shoot them in the head.

Terry: TV said a lot of things that aren't true.

CJ: Well, fuck the fucker. I told him not go to downstairs.

[C.J. shoots the zombified security guard in head]

Bart: Wanna hear something that really sucks? You guys know that chick at Dairy Queen?

CJ: The fat one?

Bart: Yeah. She was coming over tonight. I would have tapped that shit for sure.

Terry: Bart, dude, everybody's dead, okay? Your mom's dead. Your brother's dead. That fat chick at Dairy Queen? Dead!

Bart: Yeah. That sucks, too.

CJ: [to Bart] Hey, dumbass. It's the timers. It's 8:00.

CJ: [to Terry]

CJ: Terry. Go shut them off.

Terry: It's Bart's turn.

Bart: You're the trainee, man. Shit rolls downhill.

Bart: What's the news?

CJ: Bad.

Bart: [watching TV] "Twitcher"? Now that is one cool motherfucker.

Bart: [In the parking garage] What the fuck was that? I just saw something.

CJ: You didn't see shit, Bart. Shut the fuck up.

Bart: Oh, shit. Here it comes.

[a dog turns the corner]

Bart: Jesus Christ! It's a fucking dog.

Michael: [to dog] Come here, boy. Well, at least you know nothing's down here. It would've eaten him.

Bart: See? I told you I saw something!

Bart: Terry, come on, man. Open the door.

Terry: [Distracted by watching Nicole on the security monitors] Shut up.

Bart: Come on, man. Don't tell me to shut up. Just come open the door. I got you this job. Come on.

Terry: I wish somebody was working Hallowed Grounds.

CJ: How hard is it to make a cup of coffee?

Terry: I wanted a soy mocha latte with foam.

Bart: Faggot.

Bart: I tell you, I feel really good here. And I feel generous. Danny, what do you want?

Danny: A piano.

Bart: Excuse me?

Danny: I want a piano.

Bart: A piano? Oh yeah. How about a lobster dinner?

Danny: I want a piano.

Bart: How about a woman? You've never had a woman.

Danny: I want a piano.

Bart: Danny, you're starting to piss me off.

Danny: I want a piano.

Bart: [laughs] That's what I love about you, Danny. One thought at a time.

Wyeth: That thing with the collar... how did you do that?

Bart: Like my sainted mum used to say, "Get 'em young, and the possibilities are endless."

Wyeth: I thought it was the Jesuits who said that.

Bart: Probably got it from my mum.

[first lines]

Bart: Get 'em!

[repeated line]

Bart: Attaboy!

Bart: You're a dog! You're my dog!

Infirmier: So you essentially turned a man into a dog.

Bart: Like my sainted mum used to say: Get 'em young enough and the possibilities are endless.

Infirmier: Let me see if I've got this straight. Now I don't pay you, you take his collar off.

Bart: Correctimundo.

Infirmier: You take his collar off, he beats us all to death.

Bart: Now who's the bright penny!

Infirmier: So it seems it's in my best interest to keep that collar on, then.

Bart: Look who's come home to his lovin' Uncle Bart!

Infirmier: So let me work this through one more time now; I don't pay you, and you take his collar off.

Bart: Correctomundo.

Infirmier: You take his collar off, he beats us all to death.

Bart: [putting the collar back on Danny in Sam's apartment] Welcome home, Danny.

Danny: [stops him at the last second] I AM home.

Bart: What's wrong with you?

Danny: I don't wanna hurt people anymore.

Bart: Excuse me. Danny, that's what you do. You hurt people.

Danny: Not anymore.

Bart: If you can't do what I've trained you to do, what fucking use are you? No fucking use is the answer. No fucking use at all.

Bart: It's all going on the bill Danny-boy. You hear me? It's going on the bill.

Bart: [very angry] I don't believe it. He just stood there and watched them beat the crap out of me. Even a dog has got the brains to come to his masters defense. Bite them. Claw them. Piss on them. Anything for fucks sake!

Bart: Cause i'm so pleased to have you home, I'll answer one question. Go on, fire away.

Danny: Did you know my mum?

Bart: Your mum? Why would I know your mum? I found you in the street. Lying on the pavement. You was halfdead. You couldn't even talk. You was just lying there. No one wanting you. No one caring whether you lived or died. Except me.

Bart: You borrow money from me, you're expected to pay it back. You pay it back, the collar stays on. You don't pay it back, the collar comes off. A simple set of rules.

Bart: I'll make you a deal. If you go down there tonight and do your job. I promise you, tomorrow I will buy you the nicest piano in the whole bleedin' city. How's that?

Danny: I don't wanna hurt people anymore.

Bart: Then you're dead.

[pushes Danny into the fight pit]

Bart: What's wrong with you?

Danny: I don't wanna hurt people anymore.

Bart: Excuse me. Danny,that's what you do. You hurt people.

Danny: Not anymore.

Bart: [each time he unleashes Danny] Get em.

Bart: [right before truck crash] I tell you this is gonna be one lovely day!

[for Danny's "audition," he is put into the ring with the reigning champion; Danny kills him in less than five seconds, then walks out]

Bart: If you want us back, you do know where to find me.

Wyeth: Oh, we certainly want you back. Only, if you could make it a little more... entertaining, next time?

Bart: I'll see what I can do.

Bart: [objecting to being stuffed into the trunk] Ya know I could suffocate in here.

John: No. You fellas ventilated my car just fine.

Bart: I don't think he's got the stomach for what's comin'

Gus: If he doesn't, I do.

Bart: Oh I know. You're the first one I'm gonna kill when I get the chance.

Gus: That's fare. You're the first one I'm gonna kill since I get an excuse.

Bart: We could get you to Lincoln in an hour.

David Grant: Lincoln is over 200 miles.

Bart: Okay, hour-and-a-half.

Bart: Hell, I drove up from Dallas one time. That's 850 miles, I done that in eight hours.

David Grant: That's, like, over 100 miles an hour.

Cole: Oh, Bart was movin'.

Bart: So, you got any other cars?

David Grant: No. Just that one.

Bart: What's the engine?

David Grant: It's uh... four cylinder?

Bart: Yeah. But, what size?

David Grant: Oh, I don't really know.

Cole: What's your brother drive?

David Grant: Who, Ross?

Cole: Yeah, what does he drive?

David Grant: Ross has a Kia Rondo and Marcy has a Nissan Pathfinder. She carts the kids around a lot.

Bart: So, you all got Jap cars?

David Grant: Actually, Kia is Korean.

Bart: [to Dub] You're just as stupid as you ever was!

[to two members of the KKK, while pretending to capture Bart]

Jim: Oh, boys! Lookee what I got heyuh.

Bart: Hey, where are the white women at?

[Bart returns unexpectedly after being sentenced to death]

Charlie: They said you was hung.

Bart: And they was right.

Bart: [Hears a crash in the prison cells] The drunk in number two must be awake.

[Walks over to the cell]

Bart: Are we awake?

Jim: We're not sure. Are we... black?

Bart: Yes, we are.

Jim: Then we're awake... but we're very puzzled.

[Bart, disguised as a Klansman, describes his qualifications as a villain]

Bart: Stampeding cattle.

Hedley Lamarr: That's not much of a crime.

Bart: Through the Vatican?

Hedley Lamarr: [smiling] Kinkyyyy. Sign here.

Bart: I better go check out this Mongo character.

[Bart reaches for his gun]

Jim: Oh no, don't do that, don't do that. If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad.

[the Johnsons load their guns and point them at Bart. Bart then points his own pistol at his head]

Bart: [low voice] Hold it! Next man makes a move, the nigger gets it!

Olson Johnson: Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.

Dr. Sam Johnson: Listen to him, men. He's just crazy enough to do it!

Bart: [low voice] Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this nigger's head all over this town!

Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oh, lo'dy, lo'd, he's desp'it! Do what he sayyyy, do what he sayyyy!

[Townspeople drop their guns. Bart jams the gun into his neck and drags himself through the crowd towards the station]

Harriet Johnson: Isn't anybody going to help that poor man?

Dr. Sam Johnson: Hush, Harriet! That's a sure way to get him killed!

Bart: [high-pitched voice] Oooh! He'p me, he'p me! Somebody he'p me! He'p me! He'p me! He'p me!

Bart: [low voice] Shut up!

[Bart places his hand over his own mouth, then drags himself through the door into his office]

Bart: Ooh, baby, you are so talented!

[looks into the camera]

Bart: And they are so *dumb*!

Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'?

Elderly Woman: Up yours, nigger.

Lili Von Shtupp: Would you like another schnitzengruben?

Bart: No, thank you. Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.

Lili Von Shtupp: Well, then how about a little...

[whispers in his ear]

Bart: Baby, please! I am not from Havana.

Lili Von Shtupp: Will I... see you again?

Bart: Well, it all depends on how much vitamin E I can get my hands on.

Bart: What's your name?

Jim: Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.

Bart: Sir, he specifically requested two "niggers". Well, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.

Bart: [on grandstand to the townspeople] Excuse me while I whip this out.

[reaches into waistline as crowd gasps and screams; Bart pulls out paper, they sigh with relief]

Bart: Well, Jim, since you are my guest and I am your host, what's your pleasure? What do you like to do?

Jim: Oh, I don't know. Play chess... screw...

Bart: [quickly] Well, let's play chess.

[Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle]

Bart: A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE.

Jim: [eagerly] When?

Hedley Lamarr: Sign here.

[Bart reaches for the pen... revealing his black hands]

Jim: [quickly] Why, Rhett! How many times have I told you to wash up after weekly cross burning?

[licks his fingers, then rubs Bart's hand]

Jim: See, it's coming off.

[Taggart whips off Bart's hood]

Bart: And now, for my next impression... Jesse Owens.

[Runs off]

Jim: Look at my hand.

[raises hand and holds it level]

Bart: Steady as a rock.

Jim: [raises his other hand, which is violently trembling] Yeah, but I shoot with this one.

Bart: I'm rapidly becoming a big underground success in this town.

Jim: See? In another twenty-five years, you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight.

[last lines]

Jim: [who still has his popcorn and soda from the Chinese Theater] Where you headed, cowboy?

Bart: Nowhere special.

Jim: Nowhere special? I always wanted to go there.

Bart: Come on.

[Jim mounts up and they ride off into the sunset... in a limousine!]

[while Mongo is beating the hell out of a bar full of toughs, Bart walks in, dressed as a messenger boy and carrying a box]

Bart: Candygram for Mongo! Candygram for Mongo!

Mongo: Me Mongo.

Bart: Sign, please.

[Mongo grabs the paper and makes some rough scratches on it]

Bart: Thank you.

[He gives Mongo the box and walks out of the bar, putting his fingers in his ears]

Mongo: Mongo like candy.

[he opens the box - BOOM!]

Bart: Mongo was easy. The bitch was inventing the candy-gram. Probably won't even give me credit for it.

[a knock at the window; Bart gets up and sees the same woman who insulted him earlier]

Elderly Woman: Good evening, Sheriff. Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger". I hope this apple pie will in some small way say thank you for your ingenuity and courage in defeating that horrible Mongo.

Bart: Well, uh... thank you, much obliged. Good night.

[Bart closes the window and smells the pie... but returns to the window when he hears another knock]

Elderly Woman: Of course, you'll have the good taste not to mention that I spoke to you.

Bart: Of course.

Elderly Woman: Thank you.

Bart: [watching Mongo's rampage] I don't know what it is.

[Van Johnson bursts into the office]

Van Johnson: Sheriff! Mongo's back! He's...

[realizes Bart is on the opposite side of the room, and turns around]

Van Johnson: Sheriff! Mongo's back! He's breaking up the whole town! You've got to help us, please!

Bart: Did you hear that? Now it's "please". This morning, I couldn't get the time of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway?

Jim: Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who". He's more of a "what".

Van Johnson: What he said.

Bart: Well, now, I don't know...

Van Johnson: Oh, thank you, Sheriff! Oh, thank you very much! Thank you!

[runs to the door and flings it open]

Van Johnson: [shouting] The fool's going to... I mean, the sheriff's going to do it!

Bart: Just give me twenty-four hours to come up with a brilliant idea to save our town. Just twenty-four hours, that's all I ask.

Townspeople: [in unison] No!

Bart: You'd do it for Randolph Scott.

Townspeople: [reverently] Randolph Scott...

Townspeople: [singing in the fashion of a church choir] RANDOLPH SCOTT!

Howard Johnson: All right, Sheriff. Twenty-four hours.

Taggart: Now what the hell do you think you're doin' with that tin star, boy?

Bart: Watch that "boy" shit, redneck. You talkin' to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.

Taggart: Well, now if that don't beat all. Here we take the good time and trouble to slaughter every last Indian in the West, and for what? So they can appoint a sheriff that's blacker'n any Indian! I am depressed.

Lyle: Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this. What if me and the boys was to shoot that nigger dead? Would that pep you up some?

Taggart: That might help.

Lyle: All right, boys! On the count of three!

Jim: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

Lyle: Don't pay no attention to that alkie. He can't even hold a gun, much less shoot it.

[Jim blows on his fingertips]

Lyle: Like I said, on the count of three. One... two... three!

[Jim draws. The cowboys' guns are suddenly shot of their hands in quick succession. Cut back to Jim, his arms folded, smoke pouring from his holsters]

Bart: Well, don't just sit there lookin' stupid, graspin' your hands in pain. How 'bout a little...

[he draws his own gun]

Bart: ... applause for the Waco Kid?

[dumbfounded, Taggart and his men start clapping]

Charlie: [as their handcart begins to sink] Bart?

Bart: Yeah?

Charlie: Am I wrong? Or is the world... rising?

Bart: I don't know. But whatever it is, I hate it.

[men slowly sink down offscreen]

Bart: Hey, Charlie? Let me ask you something: what is it that's not exactly water and it ain't exactly earth?

Charlie, Bart: Quicksand!

[Jim the Waco Kid has just shot the guns out of the hands of a dozen henchmen]

Bart: Well, don't just stand there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain. How about a round of applause for The Waco Kid?

[Bart is bidding farewell to the people of Rock Ridge]

Bart: Work here is done. I'm needed elsewhere now. I'm needed wherever outlaws rule the West, wherever innocent women and children are afraid to walk the streets, wherever a man cannot live in simple dignity, wherever a people cry out for justice.

Crowd: [in unison] BULLSHIT!

Bart: All right, you caught me. To speak the plain truth, it's getting pretty damn dull around here.

Bart: Well, can't you see that's the last act of a desperate man?

Howard Johnson: We don't care if it's the first act of "Henry V," we're leaving!

Bart: Well, raise my rent. You *are* The Kid.

Bart: Checkmate.

Jim: What?

Bart: Checkmate.

Jim: Why, you devious son of a bitch.

[picking up his whiskey bottle]

Jim: Happy days.

Bart: [Bart dresses himself as a carnival barker and stands beside a wishing-well] ... Step right up, ladies and gentlemen and... Mongos! Dive, dive, dive for buried treasure! This is the exact spot where the Spanish Armada was sunk by the British Navy, leaving millions and millions of Spanish Dubloons at the bottom of the sea!

[Remember, they're in the middle of the desert, on America's Western Frontier!]

Mongo: Spanish balloons? Mongo take chance...!

[and, after suiting up]

Mongo: ... How Mongo get air?

Bart: From this wonderful antique pump. Good hunting!

[and, once Mongo climbs to the bottom of the well]

Bart: ... Time for my lunch break.

[He lowers a sign to Mongo which reads "For more air, deposit $.25"]

Bart: Hey, maybe you should eat somethin' first.

Jim: No thanks, food makes me sick.

Jim: I'd better sit up.

[struggles to straighten himself]

Bart: Need any help?

Jim: Oh... all I can get.

Bart: [Mongo walks down the street past a mannequin-like, penny-arcade-style "gunslinger" - Bart's voice is distorted and seems to be coming from the penny-arcade machine] I'm the marshal in this here town, and you're nothin' but a big fat ferret.

[Mongo starts to pull his gun on the offending "marshal"]

Bart: Hold it! If you wanna draw on me, put a quarter in the machine.

[Mongo deposits a quarter in the appropriate slot]

Bart: Ready? Now draw on the count of three. One, two...

[Mongo is about to draw when the "marshal" falls away to reveal a cannon, which blasts Mongo in the face - we can now see that Bart has been throwing his voice with a bullhorn]

Bart: ... Three.

Bart: Now, I suppose you're all wondering just what in the heck you're doing out here in the middle of a prairie in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.

Crowd: You bet your ass!

Bart: I'm hip.

Bart: Maybe you know why a high-roller like Hedley Lamarr is interested in Rock Ridge.

Mongo: Don't know. Got to do with where choo-choo go.

Bart: Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care about where the choo-choo goes?

Mongo: Don't know. Mongo only pawn in game of life.

Silas: Peace.

Bart: Peace is meant to explain a state of tranquility. Ok? So why don't you try finding a way to say goodbye, now that you're among civilized people.

Silas: Well, Mr. Civilized, peace can also be used interjectionally, as a request, greeting or farewell. So, try to find another way to be an asshole, if you don't know your, grammar, that is. Peace.

Bart: I'm the captian of the crew team, Jermaine.

Jamal: The name's JAMAL, and I'll FUCK yo' crew up! Who are dey?

Bart: [Jamal is rowing pathetically] What are you doing, Hip-hop hooray? Paddle! Paddle like a man, get jiggy with it or something!

Mamma King: [Mamma King appears in the sky] Jamal! What is ya ass doin' in a boat. Oh I see, you've been smoking too much ganja huh.

Spectator: [noticing her] It's so huge!

Mamma King: Well, I guess you might have to just come back home and live with me!

Jamal: OH HELL NO!

Mamma King: Did you curse at me!

Jamal: [Jamal starts paddling as hard as he can]

[to Bart]

Jamal: Row motherfucker ROW!

Bart: I know what you're trying to do Silas, you're trying to frick her!

Ollie: Come on, Dad. Don't you wanna live alone again?

Bart: Not as much as I don't wanna die alone.

Bart: If Gertie could see the shit you've been pulling.

Ollie: Gertie can't see anything, Dad. She's dead.

Bart: That's right, she is. But you ain't. And neither is that kid.

Bart: Sun even shines on a dog's ass some days.

Greenie: You gettin' a dog?

Bart: Try acting like a father, shit-head.

Ollie: [having just been asked to come to the bar with Gertie and Bart] No, that's OK, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?

Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.

Ollie: That 'juice' is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.

Bart: It's called 'juice'. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.

Bart: You know, you really had me scared for a moment there.

Ollie: Awww, who knew. All these years you were nursing a little stage fright!

Bart: Not that, smart-ass.

Bart: Excuse me, Suzanne, can I meet your mother?

Suzanne: Sure. Bart, this is my mom...

Bart: Oh, Miss Mann, I've loved you my whole life. Ever since I was seven, I wanted to be you.

Alan: Bart does you in his drag show.

Bart: Oh, this is my lover, Alan. Yes, I wear a costume exactly like the one you wore in "That Marvelous Mrs. Markham."

Doris: Oh, the one with the corset? That was so difficult to wear...

Suzanne: Mom?

Doris: Oh, I must go, sorry, boys. It was very nice to meet you.

[whispering to Suzanne]

Doris: Sorry, dear, but you know how much the queens love me.

Joey: Bart... you gotta kill me. You gotta kill me, man...

Bart: Kill you?

Joey: I can't go through eternity talking with a fuckin' dildo on my throat.

Bart: You think the cops suspect me of killing Richie even though I was his best friend?

Eric Binford: The cops are paid to suspect everyone but catch no one. That Gallagher is just another flatfoot.

Bart: What about that Moriarty character and his tests that he ran with us?

Eric Binford: Just a half-wit shrink with a bunch of stupid questions.

Bart: They even had Mr. Berger in here last night questioning him about Richie's murder. He's a nervous wreck and he has to go into the hospital next week for his operation.

Eric Binford: What operation?

Bart: Bypass operation. His heart's worse, man! But he refuses to slow down and continues to smoke and drink. He won't listen to anyone about his heart.

Eric Binford: I didn't think he had one.

Bart: Never mind that. How are they going to find Richie's killer?

Eric Binford: [sly tone] Bart, if you can't identify him, who can?

Browning: Are you in organized crime?

Bart: I'm in Parliament.

Browning: Six of one.

Bart: Stop that animal! STOP THAT ANIMAL!

Deaf Postie: Stamps with animals? Yes, I believe we do... but you don't have to shout!

Bart: Two people dead, just so we can live without working!

Bart: We go together, Annie. I don't know why. Maybe like guns and ammunition go together.

Bluey-Bluey: You're gonna see her again tonight, aren't you?

Bart: What's wrong with that?

Bluey-Bluey: Nothing, but she ain't the type that makes a happy home.

Bart: Alright, out with it. What's on your mind?

Bluey-Bluey: It's just that some guys are born smart about women and some guys are born dumb.

Bart: Some guys are born clowns.

Bluey-Bluey: You were born dumb.

Annie Laurie Starr: Let's go for a walk on the beach.

Bart: I just read an article about funerals.

Bart: You were going to kill that man!

Annie Laurie Starr: He'd have killed us if he had the chance!

Woman in Changing Room: Miss! That's my dress!

Mrs. Ma: You want me to call someone to rape you, bitch?

[to Bart]

Mrs. Ma: Hey, do you rape?

Bart: Um... I don't do rape, illegal gang bang or anal sex. I just kill.

Mrs. Ma: You'll make a lot less money that way, you know.

Zach Elliot: Bart.

Bart: Zach.

Zach Elliot: Why don't you just say it?

Bart: I'm gay.

Zach Elliot: Thank you.

Bart: You're welcome.

Bart: The night he died I went into a gay bar for the first time. I didn't do it to celebrate or anything. I did it 'cause I was pissed. Pissed that I never got the chance to tell him that his all American right fielder liked to get it on with other right fielders. I wanted to see the look in his eyes. God I wanted that scene.

Bart: If it feels good, do it. You don't get any points for playing by the rules.

Bart: A man who can't hold on to a glass should drink like a baby from a bottle. Open your mouth guitar man, and I'll feed ya.

Dancin' Kid: Bart, you don't drink, you don't smoke, you're mean to horses. What do you like?

Bart: Me! I like me! And I'm takin' good care of me!

Dancin' Kid: Maybe you're right, Bart. This dust and sand is bad for Corey's lungs. How'd you like to come home with me, Corey?

Corey: Where's your home?

Dancin' Kid: New York.

Bart: New York? I been there. Stinks of fish!

[laughs rudely]

Dancin' Kid: And where you come from don't stink... much.