Barry Quotes in Jurassic World (2015)

Barry: [regarding the raptors] What do you think? Want to take one home?

Hoskins: Hey, don't joke. When I was your age I rescued a wolf pup. It was like two months old. Could barely walk. Used to sleep by my bed. Watch over me. My wife, she came at me with a steak knife. He took a chunk out of her arm.

Barry: You put him down?

Hoskins: Hell no.

[from trailer]

Barry: Something is wrong. They're communicating.

Barry: He's the man!

Barry: Who's the man?

Wesley: [smashes a computer keyboard on Barry's face with the keys spelling "FUCK YOU" with one of his teeth and walks off] I'm the man!

Barry: I'm gonna go get some Post-It notes, do you want one?

Wesley: No.

Barry: Really?

Wesley: Yeah.

Barry: Boom goes the dynamite.

Benny: [upon firing his shotgun] Oh shit, he wasn't a zombie?

Barry: No he fucking wasn't!

Benny: Is he alright? Is he ok?

Barry: His head is fucked!

Barry: We need to find a zombie fast.

Brooke: A zombie? What do we need a zombie for?

Benny: This truck runs on zombies. No zombies? No truck.

Frank: He down our merch? Is it gone? Does he carry the cash on him, what?

Barry: I'm talking to somebody's somebody. I will know in about 25 minutes.

Barry: Nobody likes me. Why would he?

Barry: Milk.

Kelly Stone: [loud laughter] Hey, how 'bout some cookies?

Jerry Gabrewski: [Jerry smells that drink that Mr. Lee has given Barry] What is that smell?

Barry: I don't know.

Jerry Gabrewski: It must be a sewage backup around here.

Barry: [disguising his voice] We're very desperate men.

Huey Walker: Well, you sound like very desperate women.

Hal: We've gotta keep drinking. If we sober up, we'll never go through with this.

Barry: Hal, how are we supposed to keep drinking when there's nothing in the bottle?

Hal: You called me Hal! Now he knows my name, BARRY!

Hal: What'd you put on?

Barry: I couldn't figure out how to work the jukebox.

[Hal cracks up laughing]

Barry: It's digital... It's not funny, man, there is nothing on there you ever heard of.

Hal: "Born to be Wild," selection 119.

Barry: It's gone. They're all gone. That was our anthem, man.

Hal: Those soulless bastards!

Barry: Was that black enough for you?

Uncle Bud: It ain't, but it's gonna be.

Frank, Barry, Carl: [singing with the other sausages] In here, we keep our wieners in our packages. That's how it is.

Brenda: [singing with the other buns] It sucks, but that's the way our butts keep fresh and pure. Baby, baby.

Frank, Barry, Carl: But once we're out the doors, it's not a sin.

Brenda: For us to let you slip it in.

Frank, Barry, Carl: In other words, we finally get to fuck!

Brenda: And love!

Frank, Barry, Carl: And fuck!

Brenda: And hug!

Frank, Barry, Carl: And fuck!

Brenda: And feel!

Frank, Barry, Carl: And fuck!

Brenda: And share!

Barry: No! We're all gonna die!

Carl: Barry!

[slaps him in the face]

Carl: Snap the fuck out of it and run!

Barry: [as the food prepared to fire the drugged toothpicks] Make it rain.

[the food shoot the toothpicks at all the people in the store]

Darren: Ow! What the fuck? All right, who did it? Gary, did you just throw this fucking toothpick at me, man?

Barry: Yeah, I just came over here, I couldn't have a noticed you like... You're... You're a little smushed or something, you have ever kind of abnormality. Did you get... somebody sit on you?

Sally Bun: Yeah. I got smushed.

Barry: You know, I love the way of your face just kind gives up halfway down.

[Sally kisses Barry]

Barry: [while being chased by the drugged humans] Can't this thing go any faster?

Gum: Suck my pink cock!

Frank: [after failing to warn everyone at the store] Goddamn it. I blew it.

Barry: [from the air duct] Hey, does it mean it's too late to redeem yourself? Take it from me...

[Barry comes out]

Barry: Barry!

Frank: [incredulously] Barry?

[they hug each other]

Frank: Are you for real? You're alive!

Barry: You bet your sweet butthole I am.

Frank: But how?

Barry: I'll tell you how: the Gods can be...

[clears his throat]

Barry: Excuse me.

[shouts heroically]

Barry: THE GODS CAN BE KILLED!

[Barry whistles, the air duct opens to reveal a decapitated head from the druggie falling on the shelf]

Frank: Ah, fuckin' what the fuck!

Barry: [chuckles] I know! Look at this fuckin' guy!

Barry: [while having sex with his newfound mate] I'm filling you! I'm filling you! I'm blowing my fuckin' load!

Carl: [as they attempt to escape from the window] Okay, little buddy, jump on the count of three! One, two...

[a slicing knife is heard followed by Carl's scream]

Barry: Carl?

Carl: [groaning in difficulty] Bar-ry...

Barry: Carl to Bar, what? What are you saying, Carl?

[the knife's blade impales through Carl's stomach]

Barry: Oh, God, no! Oh! Oh, God, Carl!

[Camille's knife slashes him upwards]

Barry: CARL!

Carl: [face splits in half, dies] Barry...

Barry: Carl! Dear sweet Carl! What have they done to you, Carl? No!

Douche: [while being rocketed across the floor, panics] What's happening out there?

Barry: NOW!

[the food builds a U-turn on Darren and Douche]

Coconut Milk: [flips the bird] SO LONG, ASSHOLE!

[Lavash and Sammy holding a match, lights a tanks on fire and the tanks speed]

Douche, Darren: NO!

[the tanks shoot up to the sky killing both Darren and Douche]

Barry: It's over. We won. WE FUCKING WON!

[Frank, Carl, Barry and Troy notices that an evil manager named Darren comes to the Sausages and Buns bin]

Frank: SHIT! It's the Dark Lord!

Carl: Oh, no! He's coming!

Old Pork Sausage: No, wait! I'm so fresh! I'm swear! I'm so...

[Darren takes one of Old Pork Sausage and throws away in the garbage, screaming]

Carl: Did he see us?

Frank: No way!

Troy: We're fucked, bros!

Barry: Oh, god! No! Take anyone, but us! Please!

[Darren takes the wrong Fancy Dogs]

[first lines]

Frank: [notices the shoppers enter the Shopwell's] Shit!

[turns to Carl]

Frank: Carl? Carl? Carl, Carl, Carl! Dude, we've slept in again! The song's about to start!

Carl: Shit, Frank! We can't miss the song!

[to Barry]

Carl: Barry, wake up!

Barry: What? I'm up, I'm up!

Frank: This song is such an awesome way to start every morning.

Carl: It's just a super nice way of showing the gods how much we appreciate everything they'll do for us, once they take us out those doors to the Great Beyond.

Barry: I love this so fucking much.

Frank: Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Corn's about to start singing!

[turns to Corn]

Frank: Drop it, corn! You've got the best voice!

Carl: You're the man, Corn! You fucking rule! Take it away, bro!

Druggie: [sees the little sausage alive] What the fuck?

Barry: [to the Druggie] Hello?

[Druggie and Barry screaming]

Barry: Please, don't kill me! Please, just- just wait!

Druggie: Who are you?

[points the little sausage]

Druggie: Are you some kind of... magical sausage?

Barry: Uh, no, no! I'm just Barry! I'm just Barry. Wait... Wait, you can actually understand me and I can actually understand you?

Barry: [Barry attempts to convince the snake to eat a mouse] Unleash the fury!

Barry: [singing] Tiny salmon swimming in a stream / Tiny salmon chasing that impossible dream / The mynah bird says, "Caw. Ca-Caw" / The chimpanzee says, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" / The friendly owl says, "Hoo, hoo-hoo" / But the salmon can only say, "Bloobloobloobloo. Blooboloobloobloo. Blooboloobolooooo-Blooblooo-Bloobloobloo." / And it's sad.

E.L.: I thought I told you to mail this yesterday?

Rubin: Yeah, I posted it this morning.

E.L.: [Josh watches for a second, then the reality hits him] OH FUCK!

[Josh scrabbles on the floor for the video]

E.L.: W-w-w-wait a second. Tell me you mailed the Beth tape to Tiffany.

[Josh nods]

E.L.: Yes!

Josh: Shit! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Barry: Hey, hey.

Josh: What?

Barry: Did you make a copy? Because if you made a copy we could watch the copy.

Barry: Austin? Austin, Massachusetts?

Student in the Tour: Girls don't just walk around naked.

Barry: Uh, yeah they do.

[First Line]

Barry: Welcome to the University of Ithica. This is it, right here. This is what we're talkin about. I'm gonna give you a good tour today. Show you as much, as much as you need to know, plus a, plus a whole lt more actually. So this is the main area of the University. You'll be getting used to this area. This is sort of where you congregate with your friends and classmates. Come in around me everyone, come in around me. Don't straggle. We've had prblems... I've had problems with stragglers before, okay? They get lost in the back. They get hit by trucks, okay? It's not pretty, It's not pretty when it happens. This is the uh... By the way this is the Joseph H. Nelson library here, okay? It was built in the, uh... 1600s.

Student in the Tour: 1600s? It says 1951.

[snickering]

Barry: [Turns & looks, faces group] That's the address. Okay? Wise-ass.

Charlotte: Where are you from?

Barry: Hawaii. Indonesia. Kenya. Take your pick.

Charlotte: Really? Um... Ni vizuri kukutana na wewe.

Barry: Really? What? In front of all these people? I mean, you're very pretty, and I'm flattered, but...

Charlotte: No, that's not what I was trying to say-...

Barry: I'm just messing with you. I have no idea what you just said.

Barry: You know, every time I open my mouth in class, it's like... I'm supposed to speak on behalf of all Black people. Meanwhile, I, uh... I quit going to Black Student Union meetings because I didn't feel like I belong there either.

Ann Dunham: The world is a big place, honey. You'll find your way.

Charlotte: Are you nervous about meeting my family?

Barry: Why? Do I look nervous to you?

Charlotte: No. You look like you're going into battle.

Miles: [to Joel] What happened?

Joel Goodson: Last night?

Miles: That's right - with Kessler.

Joel Goodson: She was babysitting down the street...

Miles: We know that!

Joel Goodson: So I went over there. It turns out that, uh, she was giving the kid a bath and accidentally hit the shower thing...

[some guy off camera]

Joel Goodson: right.

Miles: That could happen.

Joel Goodson: ...and all her clothes were drying upstairs. So she plops down right on the kitchen floor and she looks up at me and says 'I think I'm in the mood.'

Barry: She said that? What did you say?

Joel Goodson: I didn't have to say anything.

Glenn: Whatcha do?

Joel Goodson: What do you think I did?

Glenn: I think you got the hell out of there, ran home, and wacked off.

Barry: [makes a wacking off noise with his cheek]

Miles: I disagree.

[to Joel]

Miles: Did you have your bike there?

Joel Goodson: Yeah.

Miles: I think you jumped on your bike, peddled home, and wacked off!

Barry: That's the one thing you don't do. You don't tell her you took Viagra. I'm pretty sure that's on the warning label.

Larry: I just figured out what your problem is. You hate Jews! Which is so odd, because your children are Jewish.

Debbie: Don't play the Jew Card, Larry.

Larry: I'm not playing any Jew Card.

Debbie: Seriously? It's used up.

Larry: You can't use up a Jew Card. That's the whole point of a Jew Card.

Barry: That's right. You can't use it up. It goes forever.

Barry: I don't think she sucks his...

Denise: Watch your mouth!

Peter Klaven: [after winning at a drinking contest] In your faaace! In your...

[vomits on Barry's face]

Peter Klaven: I'm sorry.

Barry: Get out of my house.

Peter Klaven: I'm so sorry.

Barry: Just get out of my fucking house.

Peter Klaven: I'm so...

Barry: This is not cool, get the fuck out!

Dante: Does anyone want to try this weed? It's called the Brown Bomber.

Alex: Why is it called that?

Dante: Because when you smoke it you get so stoned that you shit your pants! Hahahaha!

Jeff: Uh, I don't wanna do that.

Barry: Yeah, I already shit my pants this month.

Jeff: So Barry sucked on his first boobie last night.

[people clap]

Barry: [Gleaming with pride] For 13 hours.

Dante: Looking back, the lion was a bad idea. That's why Dr. Shockla is gonna hook us up with a monkey. I'm gonna teach it taekwondo.

Barry: Yeah, karate monkey, yeah, that's probably safer.

Barry: Hey Dante- My girlfriend and I caught you on the news the other night...

Dante: No shit? And by "Girlfriend" do you mean that piece of rabbit fur you rub on your dick everynight?

Barry: [laughing hysterically] ... yes...

[Starts to cry]

Alex: You know, I think I forgot something.

Barry: What?

Alex: [Alex pretends to look around for something] This!

[and then kicks Barry in the shin]

Barry: Oh my God. Are you serious? I think he fucking shattered it.

Jeff: You're the reason Alex has been tired all week?

Grace: Well, we have been sort of rough on him. But, he is kind of soft if you know what I mean.

Grandma Lilly: We're not used to having a man in the house, so I guess we ride him pretty hard.

Barry: Ohh, that is so gnarly.

Milk Maid: Baby want some milk?

Barry: Baby loves milk.

Barry: [car breaks down] Fuck, Fuck, fuck it!

Omar: Did you fix this then, Barry?

Barry: Yes, I fixed it!

Omar: Did ya?

Barry: It's the parts... they're Jewish.

Omar: What parts in a car are Jewish?

[pause]

Omar: Hmm?

Fessal: Spark plugs.

Barry: Spark plugs! Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic.

Hassan: [Raps] I'm the Mujahideen and I'm making a scene / Now you's gonna feel what the boom-boom means / It's like Tupac said, "When I die, I'm not dead"/ We are the martyrs, you're just smashed tomatoes / Allahu Akbar!

[Audience screams as Hassan detonate his suicide belt releasing party streams]

Barry: [Silent from audience] Mashallah, brother

[Murmurs from the audience]

Hassan: [Looking at the audiences] Oh, what, man? Come on. What? Just cos I'm Muslim, you thought it was real?

Barry: Bollocks, I'm a liability! I am the Invisible Jihadi! They seek him here, they seek him there, but here's not there, he's blowing up your slag sister!

Omar: Invisible? Right. Like the time you got on the local news for baking a Twin Towers cake and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?

Barry: That is part of the plan! Hide in plain sight, you mug!

Barry: You can't win an argument just by being right!

Barry: You just killed the special needs donkey!

Barry: [shouting as he sticks his head through from the boot of the car] Alright Omar! I'm letting you go to Pakistan! My unit, stays here! But my unit's the main unit!

Omar: Barry, shut up, mate! 'Cause I tell ya, your little brain cell might go off now and again, but if you hands even go to move, if you try to set up the Islamic State of Tinsley again, going to university lectures, opening your big mouth, buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon... I'm gonna rip your plugs out!

Barry: Not if you're not here, you won't!

[Waj shoves Barry's head back through into the boot of the car]

Barry: They'll pump you full of Viagra. Make you fuck a dog!

Barry: What's with the gun?

Waj: Proper replica man.

Barry: It's too small man!

Waj: Not too small, brother. Big hands!

Barry: You can fuck her, but you can't kill her? What's wrong with you?

Barry: You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch!

Barry: [after starting a discussion about training camps] I object to the term training camps!

Barry: I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are.

Barry: I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.

Barry: And bye-bye. And bye-bye, you fuckin'... And bye-bye! You stupid motherfucker...

Dean Trumbell: SHUT UP! SHUT THE FUCK UP! Shut up; will you SHUTUP SHUTUP! SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUT SHUTUP... SHUTUP! NOW

[beat]

Dean Trumbell: Are you threatening me, dick?

Barry: Why don-...

[double beat]

Barry: Y' GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Dean Trumbell: oh y-...

[clears throat angrily]

Dean Trumbell: yo-... FUCK

[lowers tone]

Dean Trumbell: did you just saaay go fuck myself?

Barry: [nervously] ... yes, i did

Dean Trumbell: That wasn't good, you're DEAD!

Dean Trumbell: Now get the fuck out of here, pervert!

Barry: Didn't I warn you?

Dean Trumbell: Th... That's that!

Barry: I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin' smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You're so pretty.

Lena: I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.

[pause]

Barry: OK. This is funny. This is nice.

[Barry looks around... ]

Barry: Healthy Choice and American Airlines got together and put this promotion: If you buy any 10 Healthy Choice products, they will reward you with 500 frequent flier miles; with this special coupon, they'll up it to 1,000 miles. So, I think they are trying to push their teriyaki chicken which is $1.79, but I went to the supermarket and I looked around and I saw that they had pudding... for 25¢ a cup... comes in packages of four. But insanely... the barcodes... are on the individual cups! So, quarter a cup, say you bought $2.50 worth. That's worth 500... with the coupon it's 1,000 miles. It's a marketing mistake but I'm taking advantage of it. If you were to spend $3,000, that would get you a million frequent flier miles. You would never have to pay for a ticket the rest of your life.

Lena: You... you bought all that pudding so that you could get frequent flier miles?

Barry: I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me 'that's that' before I beat the hell from you. I have so much strength in me you have no idea. I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine. I would say 'that's that', Mattress Man.

Barry: [out of breath to his love Lena] Lena. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you at the hospital. I called a phone-sex line... I called a phone-sex line before I met you, and four blond brothers came after me and they hurt you, and I'm sorry. Then I had to leave again because I wanted to make sure you never got hurt again. And I have a lot of puddings, and in six to eight weeks it can be redeemed. So if you could just give me that much time, I think I can get enough mileage to go with you wherever you go if you have to travel for your work. Because I don't ever want to be anywhere without you. So could you just let me redeem the mileage?

Restaurant Manager: Sir, the bathroom was just torn apart.

Barry: [nervously] Yeah.

Restaurant Manager: Did you do it?

Barry: No.

Restaurant Manager: You didn't just smash up the bathroom?

Barry: No.

Restaurant Manager: Well, who did?

Barry: [pretends to think] I don't know.

Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.

Barry: I cut myself.

Restaurant Manager: How?

Barry: On my knife.

[beat]

Barry: What? What?

Restaurant Manager: Sir, your hand is bleeding.

Barry: I know.

Restaurant Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Barry: Yeah, but I didn't do anything.

Restaurant Manager: Sir, I've got no way to prove you've smashed up the bathroom.

Barry: I didn't do that. I didn't.

Restaurant Manager: Look, I'm gonna have to ask you to go.

Barry: Okay, I didn't...

Restaurant Manager: I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Barry: All right, please don't do this to me.

Restaurant Manager: Sir, I'm gonna call the police.

Barry: All right. Look, can I just stay?

Restaurant Manager: Sir, I'm gonna crack your fucking head open. Get out of here.

Barry: Pudding...

Barry: I have to get more pudding for this trip to Hawaii. As I just said that out loud I realize it sounded a little strange but it's not.

Barry: It really looks like Hawaii here.

Barry: My sister's a liar. I have to go to the bathroom.

Barry: At that restaurant, I beat up the bathroom. I'm sorry.

Barry: I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem.

Barry: You can go to places in the world with pudding. That's funny.

Barry: I wanted to ask you something because you're a doctor... I don't like myself sometimes. Can you help me?

Walter: Barry, I'm a dentist. What kind of help do you think I could give you?

[first lines]

Barry: Yes, I'm still on hold.

Phone Rep: And what was this?

Barry: I'm looking at your advertisement for the airline promotion and giveaway.

Phone Rep: Ah, the 10 for 1 mile plan...

Barry: Yeah, it's hard to understand, because it says "in addition to". But I can't exactly understand in addition to what? Because there's actually nothing to add to.

Phone Rep: I think that's a typo then.h

Barry: Okay, so just to clarify - I'm sorry - 10 purchases of any of your healthy choice products equals 500 miles, and with the coupon, the same purchase would value 1000 miles?

Phone Rep: That's it.

Barry: Well, do you realize that the monetary value of this promotion and the prizes is potentially worth more than the purchases?

Phone Rep: I don't know.

Barry: Is this confidential?

Barry: Teryaki chicken. Tery... aki chicken. Soup? Soup... soup... Chicken noodle...? Cookies. Pudding. PUDDING!

Barry: Ummm, let's just... keep it between you and I, if that's possible.

Lena: Sure, Sure...

Barry: I know... yes...

Lena: That's insane.

Barry: I'm guessing it was a mistake... but... I'm taking advantage of it while it's offered. Who knows how long it'll last...

[once]

Barry: too many people start doing it...

Barry: Yeah. You know what? I'm gonna go out of town. I'm gonna go out of town for two days.

Lance: Where are you going, Barry?

Barry: I have to go to Hawaii, but you can't tell my sisters.

Lance: [overlapping] You're going to Hawaii?

Barry: Yeah, don't tell my sisters though.

Lance: [overlapping] That's so wonderful, you're going to Hawaii!

Barry: [overlapping] Just make sure you don't tell my sisters.

Lena: I'm going to Hawaii on Friday.

Barry: [excited] Hawaii? I was thinking about going there!

Lena: [excited] Really?

Barry: [excited] I was thinking about going there on business!

Lena: [excited] Well, if YOU're gonna go...

Barry: [serious] I'm probably not gonna go though...

Lena: Oh, that's... that's too bad, cause... it's SO great over there, and if you were there we could say... hello to each other or something...

Barry: [in a single breath] Yes-that-would-be-great-but-I'm-not-exactly-sure-I-have-so-much-going-on-here-a-lot-depends-on-this-thing-if-it-happens-I-won't-be-able-to-go-but-if-it-doesn't-happen-I-might-be-able-to... I probably won't though.

Phone Sex Sister: [Barry dials into phone sex line] Oh, hello there guy!

Barry: Hi, look, this is Barry...

Phone Sex Sister: [Voicemail recording continues... ] You had almost reached me, but not quite. I'm in the other room shaving my roommate's pussy right now... so I'm a bit distracted. But if you leave me your name and your home phone number... area code first please... I'll be sure to call you back as soon as I'm done.

Barry: Yes, this is Barry Egan, I am calling in regards of what took place the other night... I just wanted to tell everybody I know it was not fair what you did to me... and I am expecting my money back. I realize you have my home phone number... I'm away on vacation right now, if you guys wanna reach me... shortly I will be home and we can discuss how you can return my money. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure that the Police can be contacted and I could do that... and I feel like it's warranted, so let's figure something out! Like I said, I'll be home shortly, give me a call. Ok, thank you.

Barry: [about Kyle] I don't see what he has that I don't have.

Travis: Six inches and a badge.

Maddy: Barry, are you crazy? You almost lost a hand!

Barry: I had a pet frog once.

Maddy: What?

Kyle: Look at us. The cop and marine biologist.

Barry: I'm sorry. That sounds like a shitty sitcom. The Cop and The Marine Biologist.

Barry: I wanna date a musician.

Rob Gordon: I wanna live with a musician. She'd write songs at home and ask me what I thought of them, and maybe even include one of our little private jokes in the liner notes.

Barry: Maybe a little picture of me in the liner notes.

Dick: Just in the background somewhere.

Louis: I don't have that record... I'll buy it for forty.

Rob: Sold.

Louis: Now why would you sell it to me and not to him?

Barry: Because you're not a geek, Louis.

Louis: You guys are snobs.

Dick: No, we're not.

Louis: Yeah, seriously, you're totally elitist. You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so you shit onto people who know lesser than you.

Rob, Barry, Dick: No!

Louis: Which is everybody...

Rob, Barry, Dick: Yeah...

Louis: That's so sad.

Barry: [performing at the record release party] Rob, thank you for that kind introduction. We're no longer called Sonic Death Monkey. We're on the verge of becoming Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but just for tonight, we are Barry Jive and his Uptown Five.

Barry: Rob, I'm telling you this for your own good, that's the worst fuckin' sweater I've ever seen, that's a Cosby sweater.

[Imitating Cosby]

Barry: A Cosssssssby sweater. Did Laura let you leave the house like that?

[Rob turns off Barry's tape]

Barry: OK, buddy, uh, I was just tryin' to cheer us up so go ahead. Put on some old sad bastard music, see if I care.

Rob: I don't wanna hear old sad bastard music, Barry, I just want something I can ignore.

Barry: Here's the thing. I made that tape special for today. My special Monday morning for *you*... special.

Rob: Well, it's fuckin' Monday afternoon! You should get out of bed earlier!

Barry's Customer: Hi, do you have the song "I Just Called To Say I Love You?" It's for my daughter's birthday.

Barry: Yea we have it.

Barry's Customer: Great, Great, can I have it?

Barry: No, no, you can't.

Barry's Customer: Why not?

Barry: Well, it's sentimental tacky crap. Do we look like the kind of store that sells I Just Called to Say I Love You? Go to the mall.

Barry: How about the Jesus and Mary Chain?

Barry's Customer: They always seemed...

Barry: They always seemed what? They always seemed really great is what they always seemed. They picked up where your precious Echo left off, and you're sitting around complaining about no more Echo albums. I can't believe you don't own this fucking record. (tosses the record to the customer and walks away) That's insane. Jesus.

Barry: Top 5 songs about death. A Laura's Dad tribute list, okay? Okay. Leader of the Pack. The guy fuckin' beefs it on his motorcycle and dies, right? Dead Man's Curve. Jan & Dean.

Dick: Do you know that right after they recorded that song Jan himself crashed his car...

Barry: It was Dean you fuckin' idiot...

Rob: It was Jan. It was a long time after the song.

Barry: Okay, whatever. Tell Laura I Love Her. That would bring the house down - Laura's Mom could sing it. You know what I'd want? One Step Beyond by Madness. And, uh, You Can't Always Get What You Want.

Dick: No. Immediate disqualification because of its involvement with The Big Chill.

Barry: Oh God. You're right!

Dick: Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald - Gordon Lightfoot.

Barry: You bastard! That's so good - that should have been mine... The night Laura's daddy died. Sha na na na na na na na na! Brother what a night it really was. Mother what a night it really... angina's tough! Glory be!

[Rob has just placed "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on a top five list]

Barry: Oh, that's not obvious enough Rob. How about the Beatles? Or fucking... fucking Beethoven? Side one, Track one of the Fifth Symphony... How can someone with no interest in music own a record store?

Barry: I never thought I'd say this, but can I go work now?

Barry: Holy shite. What the fuck is that?

Dick: It's the new Belle and Sebastian...

Rob: It's a record we've been listening to and enjoying, Barry.

Barry: Well, that's unfortunate, because it sucks ass.

Barry: Rob, top five musical crimes perpetuated by Stevie Wonder in the '80s and '90s. Go. Sub-question: is it in fact unfair to criticize a formerly great artist for his latter day sins, is it better to burn out or fade away?

Barry: Let 'em riot. We're Sonic-fuckin'-Death Monkey.

Rob: Why'd you have to tell her about the store?

Barry: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was classified information. I mean, I know we don't have any customers, but I thought that was a bad thing, not like, a business strategy

[smacks Rob]

[while Marie de Salle is singing "Baby I Love Your Way"]

Rob Gordon: I used to hate this song.

Barry, Dick: Yeah.

Rob Gordon: Now I kinda like it.

Barry, Dick: Yeah.

Barry: Don't tell anyone you don't own "Blonde on Blonde". It's gonna be okay.

Rob: Just c'mon. What would it mean to you, that sentence - "I haven't seen Evil Dead II, yet"?

Barry: Well, to me it would mean you were a liar. You've seen it twice: once with Laura - Oops! - and once with me and Dick, remember? We had that conversation about the guy making Beretta shotgun ammunition offscreen in the 14th century.

Rob: [From a deleted scene] Barry, you're over 30 years old. You owe it to yourself, to your friends, to your parents, NOT to play in a band called Sonic Death Monkey!

Barry: I owe it to myself to go RIGHT to the edge, Rob! And this band does exactly that. Over the edge, in fact!

Rob: Well, you'll be going right over the fucking edge if you come anywhere near me on Friday night!

Barry: That's what we want: reaction! Hey, this was Laura's idea, not mine, buddy. And if Laura's bourgeois lawyer friends can't take it, FUCK them. Let 'em riot, we can take it! We're fuckin' Sonic Death Monkey.

Barry: Hey, it's half past a monkey's ass, let's get out of here.

Dick: Um, I can't meet you guys at the club tonight.

Barry: Why?

[Dick smiles]

Barry: Who are you going to see?

Dick: [grins bashfully] Nobody.

Barry: Rob! Loooky-looky! Dick, are you gettin' some?

[Dick pauses]

Barry: Oh-ho-ho! Un-fucking-believable! Dick's got a hot date! How did this happen, Dick? What logical explanation can can there possibly be? What's her name?

Dick: Annaugh.

Barry: Anna? Anna what? Anna Conda?

Dick: Annaugh Moss.

Barry: [laughing] Anna M-ha-ha-oss? Is she all green and fuzzy and mossy? And you met this bruiser where exactly? The home for the mentally challenged or the blind or the bus station?

Dick: Um, here. She asked me about the new Green Day album, and I told her...

Barry: Oh, man, finally! *Anna!* That's great, Dick! Really! Smoke that ass!

Ethan Tremblay: [rehearsing a monologue from The Godfather]

Heidi: That was really good, especially the second paragraph about the killing.

Barry: Really good.

Heidi: Did you write that?

Ethan Tremblay: No, the mafia did.

Barry: Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."

Barry: So dare to dream. Dream your wildest dreams. You can climb the highest mountain. You can drown in a teacup, if you find a big enough teacup. And if somebody tells you that you can't do something, you say, 'Yes, I can. 'Cause I'm doing it right now!'

Barry: In the words of John Lennon, "you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not."

Tim: ...the only one.

Barry: The only what?

Tim: No, that's the lyric: "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Barry: Oh, OK Tim.

Kieran: Have you ever lived among a herd of goats, for months at a time, as one of them?

Barry: No.

Kieran: That surprises me.

Barry: [Whilst holding a picture of Nelson Mandela] He's friends with Morgan Freeman!

Barry: When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Unless you don't have any water or sugar. And then you just eat the lemons, and the rind will give you diarrhea.

Barry: Well, these people invited us here to make fun of us. This is a contest for the biggest idiot...

[holding up trophy]

Barry: which I nailed!

Barry: SWITZERLAND. I LOVE SWITZERLAND. And your cheese, Does the cheese come out of the cow with the holes?

Darla: [seductively] I'm a naughty little schoolgirl...

Barry: You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.

Darla: I need to be punished. I cheated in class. Don't you want to be my school teacher?

Barry: I'm really not qualified I work for the IRS.

Darla: [winks] Not tonight...

Barry: No, all the time. I work...

Darla: Ok, ok! You work for the IRS and I have been very, very bad. I haven't paid my taxes and I need to be spanked, NOW!

Barry: Well, that's really not the way it works, you probably just have to pay the difference, plus interest...

Barry: OK, may I give you some advice too? Do not wear fishnets on New Year's Eve. It's too cold. When the wind blows, you gotta go with the hose.

Barry: Well, I try to look at the bright side. I guess you could say I'm an eternal optometrist.

Therman: Now tell us, Barry, why did your wife leave? Spit it out of your mouth. Say it. Say it, boy.

Barry: I lost her clitoris!

Robin: You lost her clitoris?

Barry: She got mad because I couldn't find it, and I said 'It's probably in your purse,' because nine times out of 10 when she loses something, that's where they end up.

Robin: Barry, do you even know what that is?

Barry: I don't know what half the stuff in her purse is.

Therman: Don't worry Barry. I found it. It was in her purse. It was in her naughty purse.

Robin: Wow. Well thank God somebody found it, right?

Barry: I thought I found it under the couch. Turns out it was just an old piece of chewing gum.

Tim: [yelling in pain] My back! My back! My back!

Barry: Is it your back?

Barry: I know everything! I have laid eggs... *inside of your brain*!

Therman: Get them out of my head!

Barry: You are no longer in control of me! I control you,and you are under my power!

[whispering]

Barry: I know everything. And I release you!

Barry: He slept with Martha at my house! I was under the bed the whole time. What an idiot!

Darla: I'm a naughty schoolgirl!

Barry: You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.

Barry: Congratulations, Kate. I want to reward you with five minutes of uninterrupted eye contact.

Pig Pen: [shouts] So, are you like a crippled guy?

Barry: [shouts] Naw, I'm just a really lazy guy!

Barry: So, uh, who's the "jaccuzi casanova?"

Stumpy: [pointing at Luke] That's him right there

Luke: Thanks Stumpy

Stumpy: Yeah, they call him that because he had himself all up in it, lovin' it strong.

Rick: Bull Mountain is our home, and I say we do something about it!

Pig Pen: Yeah! It is our town!

Jenny: Yeah!

Barry: So you got a plan?

Rick: No.

Luke: [pause] I'm in.

Anthony: Me too.

Jenny: Let's do it!

Frank: Just remember, we're only authorized to use violence when protecting the planet.

Barry: And the moon.

Frank: Yeah, and the moon.

Barry: Why can't aliens be friendly?

Derek: There's no glowing fingers on these bastards, we've got a bunch of Extra-Terrestrial psychopaths on our hands, like a visit from a planet full of Charlie Mansons, they've started on something small, its my guess they'll go onto something bigger next time, Christchurch, Wellington...

Barry: Auckland?

Derek: Yeah, well, that wouldn't be so bad.

Derek: Stick all the bits of brain in a plastic bag, Barry. We'll need them for analysis.

Barry: No bloody way mate. You can come down here and do that yourself!

Barry: I think Derek's turned his toes up, guys.

Frank: Well, I guess we'll have to issue a gun to Ozzy

Barry: Yeah, but don't forget about his personality disorder

Barry: What are we gonna do if we're spotted, Frank?

Frank: Well... I guess we shoot the bastards.

Barry: I knew it was a mistake to issue weapons. We're a government department not a paramilitary unit!

Derek: Yeah, the Astro Investigation and Defence Service!

Ozzy: Wish we'd change that name!

Barry: It's Curly. He's come back from the dead!

Ira: He looks great.

Ira: Hi. We're Ira and Barry Schalowitz.

Barry: We helped bury your brother.

Duke: Oh. Maybe someday I can do the same for you.

Barry: Hey, if I go in there, that's kidnapping. My father is a lawyer so I know what I'm talking about okay.

W.E.: Among other evils which being unarmed brings you, it causes you to be despised. That's Niccolo Machiavelli. Now git!

Barry: Okay, okay. I need to use your bathroom anyway.

Heather: Barry, I saw you, you were kissing her.

Barry: Once, I kissed her once! God, it's like I can't talk to my friends anymore, I can't believe how posessive you are.

Heather: Oh right, I guess that's why you were feeling her up?

Barry: Look, guys need sex. It's bad for you if you get all worked up and then not get it, you can get "prostrate" cancer. Is that what you want?

Barry: There's no place to turn around... there's never any place to turn around! This sucks! Assholes don't know how to make roads...

Barry: I can't believe how possessive you are.

Barry: Somebody kill me, please!

Heather: Barry, wait stop... what if their murderers and they want us to follow them so they could hide behind trees and stab us, their could be dead people buried all around us and you'd never knew, and they'd lock us up in their cellars and no one will ever hear us.

Barry: That's dumb, there aren't any cellars in the houses around here.

Heather: All right don't call me dumb Barry, I may not be the smartest person in the world, but I'm not stupid.

[from trailer]

Barry: Unless you have a half-dozen very hard rectangular breasts, we need to talk.

Bridget Cardigan: Oh, who'd you pick for the playoffs?

Barry: What playoffs?

Barry: Prepare to be woo-ed, by the master.

Barry: [flirting] Of all the bathroom stalls, in all the correction facilities in all the world, he walks into mine.

Nelson Biederman IV: [extremely uncomfortable] Haven't you heard the news Barry?

Barry: The news? Oh yeah. Barry finally pitches, Pisces catches, home team wins.

Barry: Would you like some Merlot? I make it in the toilet!

[Nelson shaking with fear]

Barry: If you lie to me I cut your genitalia and put it in shoe box.

Howard: Well, here's the money, but where's the gold?

Kenneth: Whiplash took it.

Barry: Where is Whiplash?

Howard: He's gotta be here somewhere.

Shane: [shouting] Snidely?

Howard: He took off with all the gold. All we have is this measly $26,000.

Barry: We gotta find Whip. He's tricked us.

Howard: And when we do, we're gonna kill him... reeeeeeally slowly.

Kenneth: Yeah, but where is he, huh?

Barry: Now, that's a good question.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: [from behind a mask] I heard he was in the Sudan.

Barry: Where's that?

Howard: In Africa, stupid.

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: He's supposed to be at the Hilton Hotel.

Howard: The Hilton, eh?

Snidely K. 'Whip' Whiplash: Mmm.

Howard: Come on, boys! Let's go get him!

[all the bad guys rush out]

Barry: He looks like a Bulgarian boll weevil mourning its first-born

Barry: [to Tyler] Dude, you have the ability to unfuck that which has been fucked.

Patrick: So what'd ya' give up for Lent?

Barry: I gave up resolutions this year.

Barry: [holds up a banana] Man is like a banana. Strong and firm, bright and phallic, and he's protected by his all-important shield. But, when a woman comes along, you know, she sees this bright phallic beast and she wants it. So, she starts peeling away your all-important shield.

[peels the banana]

Barry: First, she wants to see your romantic side, then she wants to see your passionate side, finally she wants to see your soft, caring, feminine side. She keeps peeling and peeling until you're left there buck naked, totally exposed with your balls blowing in the wind. And that's when she gets her knife, and she cuts away your manhood piece by piece until she's having your cock in her corn flakes.

Barry: Do you think you're good?

Cary: What?

Barry: I mean, do you think you're a good person?

Cary: Hey, come on, I'm trying to eat lunch here.

Barry: So, you want to know what the best lay I ever had? Right. That's easy, it's me. Nobody gives me more pleasure than I give myself

Barry: I'm telling you, nobody makes me come the way I do.

Barry: I just think for right now, we need to treat each other like... meat. Right? Didn't we read that? You need to see me as a - a big - a penis. And you need to be just this huge vagina... to me.

Ryan: I'd kill myself right now, but I'd probably end up in Hell, and that would be redundant.

Barry: Well, at least you'd be among friends.

Barry: [after getting yelled at by his wife while holding the phone] Yes, "legs welded shut".... And an eggroll, please.

Barry: Although technically we wouldn't be jumping into bed since you don't have any furniture.

Lucy: [singing] This much is tru-oo...

Barry: Okay. Let's start this thing over.

Lucy: Fine. Hi Barry, its nice to meet you. I don't have a refrigerator.

Barry: I went to a three day tax seminar and I thought about you then.

Lucy: You did?

Barry: Yeah. Well, taxes are in April and my sisters birthday is in april. She married a veterinarian. That always makes me think of the time we went to the zoo and fooled around by the polar bear tank.

Barry: I've got a lighter...

Erica Yurken: So?

Barry: We could burn something!

Barry: Do you know how violent they got? Someone could have taken my eye out with a tampon!

Miss Belmont: Uh-huh.

[slams Barry into wall]

Miss Belmont: Erica, I know I can rely on you to show Alison around.

Erica Yurken: Sure, Miss Belmont!

Barry: Yeah, I'll come too. After Erica gives you the freak-show; I'll show you the good stuff.

Erica Yurken: [introduces Alison to Barry] Alison, this is Barry Hollis, my stalker.

Barry: Yeah, you wish Yurken!

Nash: You've had gay friends before. Back in your grand theater days.

Barry: Nash, I'm just saying I think people should know they should not be rewarded for bad behavior.

Nash: Bad behavior? Get real, Dad! Selling your soul is bad behavior. Loving someone isn't!

Barry: Maybe I am clueless, but I know one thing if I know nothing else. You are not a lesbian.

Elena: You're right, I'm not.

Barry: Don't get me started on how selfish this is. Nash needs us.

Elena: You're right, Nash needs us. He needs us. The *real* us. The *best* of us. My god, Barry, I'm done lying. To him, to you, to myself. This has nothing to do with Peyton. This is my decision about my son and my life. I should have been done with this charade years ago.

Barry: A charade? Are you serious? You got on this thing from the very start!

Elena: And *that* was selfish. Being here, and not really being inside it with you. I'm done with this Barry. And if it's selfish, so be it.

Barry: It *is* selfish.

Elena: Barry, I'm done with this.

Barry: Elena, I...

Elena: I'm done.

[first lines]

Barry: You're beautiful just the way you are, Jasira. Those other girls are just jealous because you're growing up faster than they are. And you're prettier than they are. Listen, don't let it get you down. Stupid names they're calling you. This year - just gimme a second

[wets the razor]

Barry: this year, your gonna shut them up. Only, probably you shouldn't tell your mom about this.

Barry: There's nothing more boring than people who love you.

Barry: Tell me something I-I'm curious. How do you dial a phone with a straitjacket on?

Barry: I should hang; I'm a hypocrite. I ask for sincerity and I lie. I denounce the system as I embrace it. I want money and power and prestige: I want ratings and success. And I don't give a damn about you, or the world. That's the truth: for that I could say I'm sorry, but I won't. Why should I? I mean who the hell are you anyways you... audience! You're on me every night like a pack of wolves because you can't stand facing what you are and what you've made! Yes, the world is a terrible place. Yes, cancer and garbage disposals will get you. Yes, a war is coming. Yes, the world is shot to hell and you're all goners. Everything's screwed up and you like it that way don't you? You're fascinated by the gory details. You're mesmerized by your own fear. You revel in floods and car accidents, unstoppable diseases. You're happiest when others are in pain. That's where I come in, isn't it? I'm here to lead you by the hands through the dark forest of your own hatred and anger and humiliation. I'm providing a public service. You're so scared. You're like a little child under the covers. You're afraid of the boogeyman but you can't live without him. Your fear; your own lives have become your entertainment. Next month, millions of people are going to be listening to this show and you'll have nothing to talk about! Marvelous technology is at our disposal, and instead of reaching up to new heights, we're gonna see how far down we can go! How deep into the muck we can immerse ourselves! What do you wanna talk about, hm? Baseball scores? Your pet? Orgasms? You're pathetic. I despise each and every one of you. You've got nothing, absolutely nothing. No brains, no power, no future, no hope, no God. The only thing you believe in is me. What are you if you don't have me. I'm not afraid see. I come in here every night, I make my case, I make my point, I say what I believe in. I tell you what you are, I have to, I have no choice! You frighten me! I come in here every night, I tear into you, I abuse you, I insult you, you just keep coming back for more. Whats wrong with you, why do you keep calling? I don't wanna hear anymore, stop talking! Go away! Bunch of yellow-bellied, spineless, bigoted, quivering, drunken, insomnia-tic, paranoid, disgusting, perverted, voyeuristic, little obscene phone callers, that's what you are. Well to Hell with you. I don't need your ferior stupidity, you don't get it. It's wasted on you. Pearls before swine. If one person out there had any idea what I'm talking about... I...

[answers caller]

Barry: friend you're on night talk.

Barry: Barry Champlain is a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there.

[Barry is silent after delivering his tirade against the callers]

Stu: Sixty seconds left in the show, Barry.

[long pause, Barry still says nothing]

Stu: This is dead air, Barry. *Dead air.*

[another long pause]

Barry: I guess... we're stuck with each other. This is Barry Champlain.

[Barry signs off]

Barry: Sticks and stones can break your bones but words cause permanent damage!

Barry: We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. HOOOO-WEEE! Jericho's Pizza, off Route 1-11 at the Jericho Turnpike, they got that pizza you'll never forget, one bite and you don't have to eat for a week. I saw a guy in there the other day combing his hair with the stuff off the plate. Jericho's Pizza.

Barry: This country is in deep trouble people! This country is rotten to the core and somebody better do something about it! Now I want you to take your hand out of that bowl of Fritos, throw away your National Enquirer, and pick up the phone!

Barry: [on the show, 'I Love Lucy'] Those shows are ancient, Agnes! Lucille Ball must be over a hundred and five years old, the rest of the cast are dead!

Dan: Barry you should ask me before you put another guest on the show.

Barry: Why?

Dan: Because I'm your boss, that's why.

Barry: I don't care what you think! No one does!

Chet: So now everyone in the country can hear your big mouth flap.

Barry: Oh, Chet. So nice to hear from you again. Shouldn't you be out burning crosses or molesting children or something?

Chet: I'd rather be talking to you.

Barry: Or training pit bulls?

Chet: You think you're so smart... You get the package I sent down to the station?

Barry: Package?

Chet: You got it, I know you did.

Barry: [Sarcastic] You sent me a present, Chet?

Barry: It's just one big rock video, eh Kent?

Kent: Yeah!

[laughs]

Kent: [Both are silent for a moment] Well, go on, Bear... it's your show.

Barry: [after a pause] Yeah, that it is, that it is, it's my show.

Barry: [At Dan] I hope you're not calling the cops, because if you are, I'm going to get really pissed off! Get off the phone, or I walk. Don't waste my time man. Hang it or I walk! Hang it up!

Barry: We have a very special guest with us tonight... Kent. Say hello to everybody, Kent.

Kent: Alright!

Barry: My sentiments exactly. We've brought Kent on board to get an inside look on the future of America. Kent is the classic American youth: energetic and resourceful, spoiled, perverse, and disturbed. Would you say that's an accurate description, Kent?

Kent: Yup, sure!

Barry: Now what do you call that haircut?

Kent: I don't know... Rock and roll!

Barry: ...Are you high right now Kent?

Kent: Am I high?

Barry: Are you on drugs, or is this your naturally moronic self?

Barry: [Kent leans over laughing] Watch the drool, you're getting all over the console.

Dan: See you tomorrow.

[Turns to leave]

Barry: Dan... What if I don't come in tomorrow?

Dan: [Smiles] You'll come in, Barry. You always do.

[Leaves]

Barry: [to a caller about the most powerful drug ever sold] It's tobacco. It kills 350,000 people a year. You know how much coke, crack, heroin, pot kill every year? Four thousand people. Will you listen to sense? Hello? Let me check. Will you listen to logic, please? The only people who benefit from prohibition... are the gangsters makin' the money on it, the politicians condemning it and gettin' your vote. And who foots the bill? You, Rhonda Q Sucker!

Laura: Here's your mail.

Barry: You read it.

Barry: Talk Radio! It's the last neighborhood in town, people just don't talk to each other anymore!

Barry: The worst news of the night is that three out of four people in this country say they rather watch TV than have sex with their spouse. The second worst news is that some kids needed money for crack last night so you know what they did? They stuck a knife in the throat of an eighty year old grandmother down on Euclid Avenue. Right here in Dallas. One night, in one American city. Multiply that by hundreds of cities and what've you got: a country where culture means pornography and slasher films, where ethics mans payoffs, graft insider trading, where integrity means lying, whoring, intoxication. This country is in deep trouble, people! This country is rotten to the core and somebody better do something about it. I want you to take your hand out of the bowl of Fritos, throw away your National Inquirer, and pick up that phone - go ahead PICK IT UP! Hold it up to your face and dial 555-T-A-L-K. Open your mouth and tell 'em what we're gonna do about the mess this country's in. TALK RADIO, it's the last neighborhood in town. People just don't talk to each other anymore.

Barry: I'm listening, Michael. What's up?

Michael: Yeah, I heard your little advertisement there for the pizza place.

Barry: Yeah, Jericho's Pizza. I love that pizza. What about it? Don't you like it? You sound like you'd love it. I enjoy Jericho's Pizza.

Michael: What I wanted to say to you tonight, Mr. Champlain, was... I have an interest in this place, or at least, some friends of mine...

Barry: Just use one-syllables, Billy, if it's really difficult. Oh, Michael.

Michael: Hey, smart guy.

Barry: Just use one-syllable...

Michael: Smart guy? Smart guy?

Barry: We're being- Oh, Smart guy. Smart guy. We got somebody with a little lip on us tonight.

Michael: Hey!

Barry: Hey. Hey. Hey. Don't call me "Hey." My name isn't Hey, ok?

Michael: This is not a conversation. This is a monologue. I talk, you listen. Understand me? Understand me?

Barry: Oh, yeah, we're listening. Go ahead.

Michael: I don't want you makin' any more comments about the place, the pizza joint.

Barry: Do you have relatives that run the place?

Michael: People gotta make money on this.

Barry: Uncle Vinnie or someone?

Michael: There are people...

Barry: You know what I think, Michael? You're a meatball.

Barry: [to a listener who claims to go on dates with his cat] Stop eating with the pussy, go find some.

Barry: The $200 billion drug problem in this country could disappear overnight. Legalize the damn stuff. Do it today, right after this message. I'm Barry Champlaign. This is Night Talk. We're gonna go to a message. I'll be right back after I shoot up.

Barry: And so, beginning Monday night, this show, Night Talk, begins national broadcasting. That means the nation is listening. You better have something to say. I know I do.

Stu: You slip some testosterone into Barry's coffee?

Laura: The guy's possessed tonight. He's a little tense.

Barry: [distant shout] Get outta here!

Barry: Who's the schlub?

Claudette: [having sex] Barry's out of bounds... Barry...

Barry: Come on, a man's not made out of stone.

Claudette: [whispers] Somebody's there!

Barry: [notices who it is] We weren't doing anything. We were just messing...

Claudette: Somebody'll see.

Barry: No, they won't.

Claudette: Does Mary Ann kiss as good as I do?

Barry: How would I know?

Claudette: Oh, you...

Julie: Barry, stop!

Barry: No! Wake up, Julie. He's behind all this! How many fucked up fisherman are out there?

Ray: Look, he's after me too! I got a letter.

Barry: Oh, you got a letter? I got run over! Helen gets her hair chopped off, Julie gets a body in her trunk, and you get a letter? That's balanced!

Barry: I know what you did last summer?

[Sarcastic]

Barry: Ooooooh! What a crock of shit.

Barry: How do you know this is even related? You did a lot of things last summer.

Julie: Yeah, well, only one murder comes to mind.

Barry: You shut the hell up!

[looks behind to see if his mother is listening]

Helen: By that time I'll just be finishing my two year contract with Guiding Light, coinciding with your first year as starting quarterback for the Steelers.

Barry: Cowboys.

Helen: Whatever. Then we can elope to Europe, or the Caymans, wherever, where I'll let you impregnate me with the first of 3 children before you head off to rehab. Then we can live happily, blah blah blah.

Julie: We need help.

Barry: I'll say. You two should check out a mirror sometime. You look like shit run over twice.

Helen: You're a prick!

Barry: A toast... to us, to our last summer of immature, adolescent decadence.

Helen: Somebody's buzzed.

Barry: We're going home now and never, ever, under any circumstances known to God speak about this again is that clear? It is now merely a future therapy bill agreed?

Barry: [screaming] Helen?

Helen: I'll never mention it again.

Barry: We make a pact, right here and now we take this to our grave.

Ray: Agreed.

Barry: Julie?

[Julie nods her head in agreement]

Barry: [livid] Don't you nod your head, you fuckin' say it.

Julie: [somber] Yeah okay.

Barry: [Barry runs and grabs Julie by the neck pushing her against the car] We take this to our grave, let me hear it.

Ray: Let her go, Barry.

Barry: You fucking say it!

Julie: Okay, Barry, we take this to the grave.

Julie: Wait.

Ray: What?

Julie: Should we check his wallet and see who he is?

Barry: Why?

Julie: I don't know okay, just to know.

Helen: I don't want to know.

Barry: Let's just pretend he's some escaped lunatic with a hook for a hand and we're doing everybody a favor.

Barry: Nobody drives my car but me, you got that, shit smear?

Barry: Even if his body washes ashore in the next couple of weeks, he'll be eaten by crabs and small fish. Maybe we'll get lucky with a shark. Take him to the side.

Barry: We made a pact and we're keeping it.

Barry: Okay let's suppose someone was there that night, why send the letter one year later? It's probably some crack fucking around.

[Suddently realizes who it may be]

Barry: Max!

Max: Well go figure, I was just thinking to myself what ever happened to that Barry Cox?

Barry: [being very polite] Hey Max. Hey listen can we talk for a sec? In private?

Max: Oh what this isn't private enough for you?

Julie: Yeah but this is insane now Barry look at us, this secret's killing us.

Barry: I'm not going to the police and you're not either.

Julie: Barry please, we could put an end to it and maybe salvage some small fraction of a life.

Barry: And how do we do that? Huh? There was no accident Julie it was murder, your words remember? Murder. I say we find the fuck who's doing this and have a little one on one.

Barry: What is it with you Ray? You were dogging us from the start weren't you? Always wanting to be our friend, always wanting to be one of us but you were too fucking jealous to handle it

Ray: Fuck you!

Barry: [to Ray] And since you bring it up... we all know *you* have a slicker.

[Barry has just seen the damage to his new car after hitting someone in the road]

Barry: [Almost besides himself from rage] FUCK! Can't you watch where you're going?

Ray: Hey, it came outta nowhere, I didn't see it!

Ray: So that's him huh? Hard to believe that's the guy.

Barry: Yeah, his face isn't splattered all over the road, dumbass.

Barry: [hysterically] There's something in here with me

Jack Daniels: [shouts over the din of a poor drum solo audition] Not your actual Gene Krupa is he?

Barry: Who's she?

Jack Daniels: Before your time.

Barry: A toast to unbridled passion!

Barry: Whoops! Gwen's strap broke!

Barry: Say you like it!