Barris Quotes in A Scanner Darkly (2006)

Barris: Total total total totally total total... total providence.

Luckman: You're the only person in the known universe who's never heard of the Heimlich maneuver?

Barris: Alright, I'm gonna give you a little feedback since you seem to be proceeding through life like a cat without whiskers perpetually caught behind the refrigerator. Your life and watching you live it is like a gag-reel of ineffective bodily functions. I swear to god that a toddler has a better understanding of the intricacies of chew-swallow-digest-don't kill yourself on your TV dinner! And yet you've managed to turn this near death fuckup of yours into a moral referendum on me!

Luckman: You are a monster!

Barris: You are a billy goat!

Barris: There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!

Freck: [twitching horribly] Okay, if you guys are gonna kill eac hother, I'm s-splitting! It's getting very fucked up over here!

Fred: Freck, the most dangerous kind of person is the one who's afraid of his own shadow.

Freck: What is that supposed to mean?

Barris: It means, Freckles, that if you take too much of that stuff, not only are you going to start seeing and feeling buggy bugs all over yourself but you're also gonna start talking like...

[makes quacking sounds]

Barris: And no one can understand you.

Fred: What did you say, Barris? I didn't understand you.

[Barris softly quacks to Fred and then louder at Freck]

Freck: You guys are fucked up!

Barris: [imitating Frecks in a raspy twitching voice] Oh no. It is you ga ga goo that are fuck upted up!

[Freck leaves and Luckman throws a rock to the ground]

Luckman: Go Freck yourself!

Barris: [in a high pitched voice] "Don't take the car, you'll kill yourselves! Ye gogh gogh gogh gogh!"

Luckman: This proves you got somebody out to get you real bad Bob. I just hope that the house is still there when you get back.

Fred: Yeah I didn't think of that.

Barris: I wouldn't worry about it too much.

Luckman: You wouldn't! Christ! They may have broken in and ripped off all we got. All Bob's got anyhow. What if they stomp the animals?

Barris: Don't worry about it. I left a little surprise for 'em.

Fred: What?

Barris: Yes. Anyone entering the house while we were gone today will receive a little surprise. A little something I perfected earlier this morning.

Fred: What kind of surprise? It's my house Jim, you should ask me before you start wiring up my house.

Barris: Why would you get so uptight about protecting your house from intruders? Why would you care?

Fred: I'm just saying it's my house, that's all. You can't start going around booby trapping my house.

Barris: Okay, okay! I mean jeez. Or as the Germans would say "leise" which translates to "be cool". Just be cool.

Barris: You are constitutionally incapable of not shuttingthefuckup!

Luckman: Bring it!

Barris: Shutthefuckup!

Barris: Gentlemen, you are about to witness for approximately 61 cents of ordinary household materials, the perfect home-made silencer.

Freck: Barris, the neighbors are gonna hear.

Luckman: Nah. They only call in murders in this neighborhood.

Barris: Plus, freckle-deck, it's a SILENCER. They're not gonna hear anything.

Freck: Well, I'm pretty fucking sure they're illegal.

Barris: In this day and age, the type of society we find ourselves living in, every person of worth needs to have a gun at all times to protect themselves. And we're off, un

[points gun at Freck]

Barris: , deux

[points gun at Luckman]

Barris: , trois?

[points gun to his own head]

Barris: .

[Then points gun in the air and shoots. It goes off loudly]

Freck: That sure is some silencer.

Barris: Yes, uh, what it did was augment the sound rather than dampen it. But I almost have it. I believe I have it in principle anyway.

Luckman: Oh well, the good news is that regardless of what you do next time, it'll be a silencer to us because we're now DEAF!

Barris: YOU are a bug bite squared.

Luckman: What kind of bug?

Barris: 'Bout to get fucked up bitch beetle.

Luckman: Well! So much for our great trip to San Diego Bob, I told you we should have gone to San Francisco.

Barris: What like going to San Francisco would not have caused this problem with the engine?

Luckman: Yeah because when you're going north, it screws this way, and when you're going south it screws that way!

Barris: If we were in Australia!

Barris: I could be mur... dered.

Barris: This is a world getting progressively worse. Can we not agree on that?

Barris: [turns to waitress] What's on the dessert menu?

Barris: If I'd known it was harmless...

Luckman, Fred, Barris: [together] I would have killed it myself!

Luckman: You are a MONSTER!

Barris: You're... a billy goat.

Barris: I think I know, they were probably working on it, these Gypsy grifters with improper tools, no technical knowledge, no understanding of reverse engineering, and when they attempted to reassemble it they panicked, they got scared, and they left nine orphan gears there just laying on the floor, theyre probably still there on the floor of the garage.

Luckman: Lets just go rescue the orphan gears dude!

Freck: What do you think about the New Path?

Barris: While it doesn't matter what I think, I kinda have to tip my hat to any entity that can bring so much integrity to evil. I mean, imagine this: a seemingly voluntary, privatized gulag which has managed to eliminate the meddling middlemen of public accountability and free will and wrap it up in a little bow and give it to the public like a gift. I mean, come on this is...

[he makes exploding sounds and gestures]

Barris: ... this is awe-inspiring stuff.

Freck: I heard you have to go cold turkey.

Barris: Cold turkey doesn't even apply to Substance D. Unlike the legacy of inherited predisposition to addictive behaviors or substances, this needs no genetic assistance. There's no weekend warriors on the D. You're either on it... or you haven't tried it.

Freck: Well, I like it.

Barris: Yeah. How many caps do you take per day?

Freck: Hmmm... very difficult to determine. But not that many.

Barris: Well, like the old-school pharmacopoeia, a tolerance develops, you know. These visions of bugs, they're just garden-variety psychosis, but a clear indication that you've hurdled over the initial fun and euphoric phase and passed on... to the next phase. News from the guinea pig grapevine suggests that whatever it is, we won't know until it's way too late, you see? You see that we're all canaries in the coal mine on this one?

Freck: Mm. I do think I have another source. That Donna chick.

Barris: Bob's girl?

Freck: Yeah.

Barris: Yeah, "his girl," although I know for a fact he never gets in her pants.

Freck: Really?

Barris: Yeah.

Freck: But he... talks like he does.

Barris: Oh, yeah. That's Bob Arctor. He talks like he does many things. It's not the same, my friend, it's not the same thing. Donna has an aversion to bodily contact. I mean, junkies lose their interest in sex, you realize, due to organs swelling up from vasoconstriction. And I have observed in her an inordinate failure of sexual arousal not just toward Bob Arctor, but to... other males as well.

Freck: I can't believe she doesn't put out.

Barris: Well, she would... if she were handled right. For instance, I could show you how to sleep with her for less than three dollars.

Freck: I don't wanna sleep with her. I wanna buy from her.

Barris: Donna does coke, all right?

Freck: Three dollars doesn't get you a line of coke.

Barris: Ah-ah. That's where you're wrong, pal.

Barris: We are strangers in a strange time.