Barney Quotes in Airport 1975 (1974)

Mrs. Patroni: Well, the first stewardess is at the controls, but she... she's in constant touch with the tower.

Barney: You mean THE STEWARDESS IS FLYING THE PLANE?

Mrs. Patroni: [whispering] Would you please keep your voice down.

Barney: S-s-sure...

[Barney becomes hysterical]

Barney: The stewardess is flying the plane. The stewardess...

[Mrs Devanvey hands Barney a large Whiskey]

Mrs Devaney: here...

Barney: Thank you Mrs Devaney, but I don't drink.

Mrs Devaney: [Looking confused] Well what difference does it make now?

Barney: You're right.

[Barney takes drink from Mrs Devaney and takes gulp of Whiskey]

Barney: No difference.

Barney: Mrs Devaney? Mrs Devaney?

Mrs. Devaney: Er, yes?

Barney: Salt Lake City could be very good for you. It's dry there you know?

Mrs. Devaney: DRY?

Mrs Devaney: Miss?

Nancy Pryor: You need something?

Mrs Devaney: I feel a little queasy. The altitude I guess. I'll have a bourbon... with a beer chaser.

Barney: Uh. Miss Devaney. Do you know what you just ordered? They call those boiler makers.

Mrs Devaney: I know.

Nancy Pryor: A bourbon with a beer chaser.

[Barney attracts the attention of a woman sewing]

Barney: Pardon me. Don't your hands ever get tired?

Passenger: Idle hands...

Barney: By the time we land you'll probably have a rug!

Passenger: [confused] A rug?

Barney: He's not gonna give you up, Charlie. You're family.

Charlie: Family, that fuckin' kid? We're third cousins.

Barney: Third cousins. For Italians. That's like twin brothers with the Irish.

Nora: How did you let this happen to you?

Barney: He-he. I let my whole life happen to me.

Barney: I wish I was on 42nd Street.

Sunshine: Why 42nd Street?

Barney: So I could catch the subway home.

Alfred "Gloves" Donahue: Any message?

Barney: Should I leave out the curse words?

Alfred "Gloves" Donahue: Yeah.

Barney: No message.

Barney: Say, chief, can't I get away just long enough to give my girl a quick hello?

Alfred "Gloves" Donahue: No, stick around, will ya?

Starchie: What are you so nervous about? She'll keep!

Barney: That's what you think. I can't take a chance. The fleet's in and she's defense-minded!

Barney: Hello officer.

Cop: This your cab?

Barney: Yes, sir.

Cop: Better move it outta' here before somebody takes it away from ya'.

Barney: I'm waiting for a fare.

Cop: Hang around. You'll get one. Ain't a night goes by that we don't drag a stiff or two out of the river.

Barney: That friend of yours; how is he?

Sunshine: Fine! He's dead.

Sunshine: Nice cheerful little neighborhood. My friend got his skull crushed down here last week.

Barney: For what?

Sunshine: For nuthin'!

Sunshine: Shut up, the guy's dead.

Barney: Well, I'm reasonably sorry.

Barney: I don't get it. I marry Annabelle and I spend my honeymoon with you.

Sunshine: Well, I can cook.

Gilbert Carson: Yessir, big bucks. And nobody knows about it, but me.

Barney: Good for you. You know, you're eatin' the cat food.

Gilbert Carson: D'you know how much war medals is worth, to avid collectors?

Barney: Big bucks?

Gilbert Carson: Too darn right! You couldn't find 'em in a fit- cat food?

Barney: It's all right. Air's gettin' a little thin.

Sally: Can we go where it's thick?

Billy: Oh, be in it. The girls go wild over a uniform.

Barney: Yeah?

Billy: In your case I don't think anything would help but you might as well give it a go.

Barney: It must be difficult to let go of something so beautiful.

Edward Lewis: I think we both know she's not my niece.

Barney: Of course.

Edward Lewis: And the reason I know that is that I'm an only child.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Are you trying to say capeesh?

Barney: Yeah.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: Well don't do it, cause it hurts my ears when you do it

[Barney tells a joke. Everyone laughs, except Hannah]

Hannah Stubbs: I see that it's funny. I have a sense of humor.

Barney: Of course you have a sense of humor. Everyone thinks they do, even people who don't.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: When did your wife leave?

Barney: October.

Vince: That's when my wife left! What is it about the month of October?

Barney: I dunno. The pressure of Halloween? You never know what to go as!

Barney: The Padres play the Mets every so often, though you folks would probably be Yankees fans. It's been my experience that most organized crime people are.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: I love the Yankees, Linda loves the Yankees, so does Terry.

Linda: Who's Terry?

Vincent 'Vinnie' Antonelli: You are.

Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: I'm sorry Barney but it's just not fun here. You're no fun!

Barney: No fun?

Dr. Margaret Snow Coopersmith: You get the oil changed every second Tuesday, you get the car washed every fourth Thursday, you get your hair cut on the eleventh of every month. You never, ever get a different haircut!

Barney: It's gonna be a lot easier if you two start calling each other Terry and Todd.

Linda: It's a nice house, Terry, okay?

Barney: No, you're Terry, he's Todd.

Barney: Would you care to bet on that?

Hannah Stubbs: I never bet when I'm sure and right.

Barney: Presumably you haven't done a lot of betting considering you've only been wrong once in your life.

Hannah Stubbs: [glaring at Barney] Twice.

Barney: I'm 50 yrs old, got nothing to show for it. Live in this shitey flat/ not had a ride since Shakin Stephens had a number one, a mother who sticks her claws in like an old buzzard. A man by rights should live to reach his full potential and have a kick at the ball.

Barney: His Freezer was too wee!

Angela: You look just like your son when you get mad.

Barney: How many people have you killed this time?

Angela: I dunno. Lots.

Barney: You gonna kill me, too?

[she nods]

Barney: How? A knife, a drill, or a chainsaw? Fire, battery acid, or are you just gonna cut my head off like you did my son's? Well, Angela... what's it gonna be?

Angela: A gun.

[she fires]

Barney: Why did you wrap yourself in toilet paper?

Zachary Hutton: Because I was cold.

Zach: You see, I truly love women.

Barney: Oh, I see.

Zach: I love everything about them, Barney. I love the way they feel, the way they smell, most of the time. I have to admit, I don't like women with long, round toenails. But that is the only abrogation so far. And so far has been quite a while and quite a few.

Barney: Oh, that's true.

Zach: I long for a meaningful, monogamous, healthy relationship. And I was sure I had it with Alex, but the truth is, Barney, in the deep dark silence of my considered conscience, where there's just me and me, the unmitigated truth is, I want it all.

Barney: Hey, wanting is okay.

Zach: I want a loving, faithful, caring, caretaking wife, and I wanna make love to everything else in long skirts, with bare feet and ripe, juicy mouths. Little boy-girls with small firm breasts and tight asses. Rubensque round women with big Mother Earth breasts and green eyes. God! I could go on and on.

Barney: Don't. I'm getting a hard-on.

Zach: Me too.

Zach: I figured it out, Barney. You can't cure a problem until you know what's causing the problem. But before you can see what's causing the problem, you first have to remove the problem.

Barney: You've gotta give up the vices to get to the virtues. I could've told you that.

Zach: Yeah? Why didn't you?

Barney: You want it to take, you got to figure it out for yourself.

Zach: Okay, wise guy, what's my problem?

Barney: You're scared like the rest of us. You drink too much, you chase girls much too much, and you don't use your God-given talent anymore.

Zach: You've known that all along?

Barney: I'm a good bartender.

Barney: Oh, shit. You drank me out of tequila.

Zack Hutton: It was a dirty job, but somebody had to do it.

Ellis Whitman: He looks like Judy.

Frank Whitman: Actually, he's a dead-ringer for you when you were a baby.

Barney: You know it's a know fact that all babies look like old Jewish men...

Mother: [takes his order from restaurant counterman Barney] So where's the mayo?

Barney: On the side.

Mother: Why don't you put it on the burger?

Barney: I lied four times in my life; I stole apples when I was a kid; I cheated on my wife once; I even prayed for the death of my in-laws. But putting mayonnaise on a bacon cheeseburger with peanut butter and onions is a sin you alone will have to be responsible for!

Henrietta Phelps: Why don't we go around the room and introduce ourselve, and tell everyone why you came to the Phelps School?

Eddie Lipschultz: Hi! My name is Eddie, Eddie Lipschultz. I'm here because my mom's new boyfriend says I can't sleep in her bedroom anymore. I figured if I came to charm school, I might be able to... , there might be chance that I'd... , I could possibly...

Barney: [interrupting] Get laid?

Barney: [Eddie nods] I thought so.

Humping: I'm Humping, the butler.

Barney: Oh, yeah? So who's fucking the maid?

Barney: I wanted to thank you for only giving me the clap. These days it's refreshing to meet a girl with curable diseases.

Roy Raja: My name is Roy Rahmataj.

Barney: Hey, mind if we call you Roy Raja? Haha!

Roy Raja: You may call me "Lion of Kashmir".

Barney: And you may call me "The Boner of East L.A."

Barney: Who's this? Your son?

Adm. Storey: No, he's... uhhh

Mrs. Storey: He is my nephew.

Barney: Ohhh, your nephew. He looks Iranian to me. You know my sister, Maria, she married an Iranian guy. And they are hairy son of a bitches. You know they got hair on their chest, their backs, their butts. We're talking Winnie the Pooh. We're talking Chewbacca, you know the guy in Star Wars who goes AHHHH! AHHHH!

Barney: [at a party Barney walks up to an older woman, holding a small white poodle. He makes sounds like a dog in pain] Awww, is that mean old lady squeezing your genitals?

Woman with Dogs: Oh! You dreadful man!

Barney: [at another party, Barney sees the same old lady, now holding a Shar-Pei in her arm] Hey, it's my favorite dog lady again! How you doing? You have a new dog?

Woman with Dogs: Yes, this is a Shar-Pei; it's a Chinese dog.

Barney: [Barney pulls on the dog's wrinkled skin] Damn, you need to iron this dog, lady. Look at this!

Woman with Dogs: No, stop, that's just how the dog is!

Barney: Shit, you could fit two dogs in here!

[he continues to pull on the dog's loose skin]

Woman with Dogs: [Slapping Barney's hand away] No! Please, stop abusing my dog, you horrible man!

Barney: You have any Vietnamese neighbors?

Woman with Dogs: No, I don't think so.

Barney: Well, if any ever move in, and you go on vacation, believe me, you're going to want to take Fluffy with you! You'll come back and your dog will be missing it's hind leg, saying 'where were you?'

Woman with Dogs: Oh! That's horrible! You terrible, horrible man!

Barney: You go next door and talk to your neighbor, and he'll be standing there, picking his teeth, 'No! We no see Fluffy! What your dog look like? Your dog have big, juicy hind leg?'

Woman with Dogs: Oh, you awful man! Please, go away!

Barney: Fine! I guess this means we can't be pals no more?

Barney: [enters the bathroom] How has shit in the bidé?

Barney: [the class at the Phelps School is introducing themselves] Hi, my name is Barney Benar. I'm here with my friend Jake because there's this girl he's trying to nail...

Jake Bateman: [shakes his head and clears his throat] Mmm-mm!

Barney: What? Oh. Sure he loves her, sure he wants to fuck her...

Barney: [Jake makes the same sound, louder] Oh, whatever. I'm just with him, man.

Barney: Do you ever think he might come after you? You ever think about him at all?

Clarice Starling: Well, at least thirty seconds of everyday. I can't help it. He's always with me, like a bad habit.

Barney: [Repeated Line] That's what I thought.

Barney: Anyone up for a game of Rummy?

Carol: Where the hell have you two been?

Barney: ...Or maybe Solitaire.

Annie Lamm: Grandpa, can I drive?

Barney: You want to get us killed, kid?

Annie Lamm: Oh, come on.

Barney: What if a cop sees us? Or worse, your mother?

Annie Lamm: There are only three cops on this Island, and they play paper football all day! I can do it.

Barney: Driving a car is a little harder than a boat, Missy. And we all know how that turned out.

Grandpa Donald: I don't know, Annie...

Annie Lamm: OK... I guess when I'm your age I won't be able to tell my grandkids that my Grandpa taught me how to drive. It'll just be some random boyfriend instead.

Barney: Captain, are you crazy?

Grandpa Donald: Oh, don't get your panties all in a bunch. Live a little.

Barney: I'd like to live a lot, that's the problem.

Annie Lamm: Don't worry, Barney. I'm a good driver.

Barney: I hope they spell my name right in the obituaries.

Grandpa Donald: ...So Kennedy comes aboard the ship. He turns to me and says, "Officer, I need a guide." There I was, showing the future President around...

Barney: Was this before or after you single-handedly foiled the bank robbery?

Grandpa Donald: Way before. The bank robbery was in '78.

Barney: Right, right. I've heard that one in my sleep.

McFee: Some girl got herself killed on the Limited. Found her on the rear platform. Nail file, like that. Right through the heart.

Barney: Somebody do her in?

Willy: They weren't cleanin' her nails.

Barney: These things don't happen in New York! I just hope a guy in a hockey mask named Jason doesn't show up!

Barney: Why does that guy in Halloween try and kill Jamie Lee Curtis?... Why do those dumb kids keep going back to Camp Crystal Lake- letting Jason hack and chop them?

Barney: [On learning some of his fellow med-students are going to make out] You're going to have sex?... Don't!... Every time someone has sex in a horror story they get murdered!"

Barney: If I were a girl, I'd become a lesbian.

Barney: Well, if there's anything I can do for your nose, handsome, give me a call.

[leaves, giggles loudy]

Dom: Is he a faggot or what?

Celeste: I don't know...

Dom: I mean, he's changin' all the time, it's crazy.

Barney: What was it, Archie, the "sex" bit? Huh? The ol' "sex" bit?