Barber Quotes in Kung Fu Hustle (2004)

Barber: Why don't you train us to be top fighters... and we'll avenge them!

Landlady: Becoming a top fighter takes time, unless you're a natural-born kung-fu genius, and they're 1 in a million.

Barber: [Does martial arts routine] It's obvious I'm the one.

Landlady: [immediately punches him in the face] Don't think so.

Barbershop customer: Hey Cole, when you gonna do somethin' about those long-haired weirdos - before or after they start burnin' their draft cards?

Barber: Naw, he's waitin' for some of *our* kids start goin' out there and smokin' pot, ain't ya, Cole?

Sheriff Cole: Nope. Soon as I finish my shine I'm goin' outside and shoot three or four of 'em, show 'em who's boss.

Zero: You understand, I want a trim on my beard. I don't want you to mess with my hair, I just want a trim on the beard.

Barber: Alright. What's your name?

Zero: I'm the big Zero.

Barber: Well big Zero... well Mr. Zero, I'm a born again Christian and people come into my shop and like to tell them about Jesus and how he can change their lives and make them happy and I know you boys are causing a lot of trouble around town. You know, if you just give your heart to Jesus, Zero...

Zero: [Zero interrupts the barber] Let's get one thing straight man, you don't want to fuck with me. You understand?

Barber: I don't want to upset you. Anything I want to put more love in your life cause God loves everybody and you're not different and I know you got a heart and I don't care what you been through, no matter how much pain he can heal it cause he's the healer and word said he's closer to a friend...

Zero: [the barber is getting on Zero's nerves] YOU'RE GETTING RIGHT ON THE EDGE!

[Zero tells the barber where to trim]

Zero: Just a little on the side.

Barber: [the barber starts singing "Amazing Grace"] "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch..."

Zero: [the barber pushes Zero over the edge] THAT'S IT!

[Zero grabs the barber and slits his throat and then shoots him]

Biker: [the biker says to Zero after waiting to get a hair cut] Thanks a lot man, I wanted a fucking hair cut.

[last lines]

Barber: What's wrong? Nobody's sick in this dump anymore?

Young Boy: All the sick are at the hospital.

Barber: The what?

Young Boy: The hospital. Built by the physician from the Orient.

Barber: What physician from the orient?

Young Boy: Physician Cole!

Barber: Cole?

Young Boy: Him, his wife, and a bunch of Jews. They can cure anything.

Barber: Brat! Here.

[coins]

Barber: Lead the way. Tell me about it!

Young Boy: I went for a fever. You get a soft bed to lie in, hot meals, and magic medicine. Someone's playing music.

Barber: And then what?

Young Boy: Physician Cole comes to see you every evening. And if you ask, he juggles for you and tells you amazing stories. With lions, and horses with big humps on their back. And falcons that can break a man's skull with its beak.

Barber: And his wife, what is... what's she like?

Young Boy: Delicious.

Barber: What do you know? What are you, nine?

Young Boy: I'm ten!

[they walk off talking]

[first lines]

Barber: [performing for a crowd] Back and forth, up and down, left to right, for more than one hundred years. But nowhere have I had the pleasure of looking out upon a crowd with prettier girls than here in your wonderful Rough Dovender. Why do I specially like it here because... I always lay me best eggs here.

Barber: [starts imitating a chicken, then produces an egg]

Barber: If you don't like the looks of me, you shouldn't have fallen off your broomstick, hag.

Barber: You're talking about Jesus Christ our Savior. He ain't no bloody Jew!

Adolph Zitz: All right! We'll get lovers from every big city and hick town on the map. Because, gentlemen, I promise you that within two weeks, every male in America between the ages of 17 and 55 is going to stop for a moment and at least think about coming to Hollywood to screen test for the biggest chance of his life - the chance to star in the new Rainbow Studios film: The World's Greatest Lover! Now! How's that for an idea?

Yes Man #1: Great!

Yes Man #2: Gweat!

Sven, Yes Man #3: Great! Yoost great!

[points to the barber]

Barber: Very good...

[fearing the onset of another of Zitz's outbursts]

Barber: I mean... great!

[Zitz desperately tries to stop himself from strangling the barber again, gives up]

Adolph Zitz: Too late!

[lifts the barber in air by his neck]

Adolph Zitz: Gentlemen, I am not a child and I do not wish to be treated as one. Is that understood?

Group of yes men: Yes, Sir!

Adolph Zitz: Good. Now, here's the question: If you went up to any bum in the street and asked him which is the biggest movie studio in Hollywood, what would he say? Joe?

Yes Man #1: Well, Rainbow Studios, home of the stars.

Adolph Zitz: All right now. All right, I don't want any of that baloney. Wes?

Yes Man #2: I would say Wainbow. Wainbow Studios. It's the wargest and the best.

Adolph Zitz: Save it. Save that yes-man shit. You think I need this kind of babying? Sven?

Sven, Yes Man #3: Rainbow. Rainbow Studios. I don't think there is any question about that.

Adolph Zitz: Jesus Christ! Is there not one honest man in this room?

[points to the barber]

Barber: Oh, uh, Paramount, I guess.

Adolph Zitz: [Chuckling] That's very interesting. I'm just curious - why would you say that?

Barber: Because they have Rudolph Valentino.

[Zitz gets off his chair and starts strangling the barber]

Adolph Zitz: Son of a bitch! Dog-doo, pee-pee brain! You're a lying traitor, did you know that? You ca-ca-in-your-pants fart blossom, I'll tear your tongue out! I'll tear your tongue out! I'll tear your...

Zaranska: Let's just take a little bit off around the ears.

[hands barber $2]

Barber: Costs five to get you no haircut now, Zaranska. Two only gets you a crew-cut.

Zaranska: Fuck, I could use this on a bed.

Barber: It'll all come off then. Maybe an ear with it.

Barber: [later] What's it be, my man?

Henry Brubaker: [hands barber $5] Leave the ears.

English Bob: [discussing the assassination of President Garfield] Well there's a dignity royalty. A majesty that precludes the likelihood of assassination. If you were to point a pistol at a king or a queen your hands would shakes as though palsied.

Barber: Oh I wouldn't point no pistol at nobody sir.

English Bob: Well that's a wise policy, as wise policy. But if you did. I can assure you, if you did, that the sight of royalty would cause you to dismiss all thoughts of bloodshed and you would stand... how shall I put it? In awe. Now, a president... well I mean...

[chuckles]

English Bob: why not shoot a president.

English Bob: This Strawberry Alice person, tell me again.

Barber: Down the street and across. Greely's Beer Garden and Billiard Parlour. Just ask for Alice; say you want a game of billiards.

English Bob: Even though I don't really wish to play.

Barber: They burned the table in '78 for firewood.

English Bob: Quite right. Quite right.

Barber: [watching Honey leave Chaz's Barber Shop, where Chaz has just unsuccessfully asked Honey out on a date] Let us pray. Heavenly Father, please bless Chaz with game IMMEDIATELY.

Barber: Well, well, Danny, what's the matter? Don't see you for a long time.

Benny Battle: Well, they had me downtown for two weeks on a bum rap.

Eve Fallon: Oh, poor kid! They blame you everything, don't they?

Benny Battle: You sait it, Beautiful! The way the coppers treat me, you'd think I was a thief.

Eve Fallon: Yeah! Police get some funny ideas sometimes.

Benny Battle: Don't they though? And me as honest as the day is long.

Benny Battle: Yeah, but how 'bout the nights?

Benny Battle: The nights too! I'm the soul of honesty.

Eve Fallon: You sure you don't mean 'the heel?'