Barbara Quotes in The Karate Kid (1984)

[at the Halloween dance party, Barbara and Susan watch Ali joins Daniel in his shower costume]

Barbara: I don't know what she sees in him.

Susan: She must be into fungus.

Barbara: What is the snake ceremony?

Jean Roberts: A ceremony where Billy becomes brother to a snake.

Barbara: How does he do that?

Jean Roberts: By going on the mountain and being bitten by the snake over and over. Then he passes into unconsciousness for the last time. And if he lives, he has a vision. And in this vision, he finds out what his life's mission will be and who the spirit will be to guide him on this mission.

Jean Roberts: He's still in the rapture of the vision. A great Indian holy man, Wovoka, is speaking through him.

Barbara: You mean they had holy men, like saints?

Jean Roberts: They sure did! And Wovoka was one of the greatest. Once even Christ appeared to him.

Jean: What about Barbara?

Billy Jack: It's up to her to decide.

Jean: Barbara, will you go out with me?

Barbara: No.

Barbara: May I ask why?

Barbara: From the day I was born until this moment, and every second in between, life has been one big shit brick. I just can't take it anymore. From the way things are going, well as Indians say, "Today's as good as any to die."

Jean: You've taught her well.

Billy Jack: An Indian isn't afraid to die. Don't ever expect the white man to understand that.

Jean: I understand it. That's good for an Indian.

Billy Jack: Like the old man said: Being an Indian is not a matter of blood, it's a way of life.

Jean: I understand that, too. But she's a 15-year-old child who worships the ground you walk on. And now she's gonna die needlessly because you haven't got the guts to control your temper. It's so easy for you to die dramatically. It's a hell of a lot tougher for those of us who have to keep on trying.

Barbara: How come you never tried to lay me?

Martin: That's a stupid question.

Barbara: Don't cover up. Are you afraid of me?

Martin: No, I'm not afraid of you.

Barbara: Then what? Wasn't I good enough for you? I heard all Indian boys want to go to bed with white girls.

Martin: Don't believe *everything* you hear.

Barbara: I *know* you want to. I can tell. How come you never tried?

Martin: 'Cause you've always been an anybody's.

Barbara: What's an anybody's?

Martin: An anybody's is someone who puts out so she can get dates to be accepted. I want you to experience the fact that I don't love you because you'll give me some sex. I love you for yourself and for what you are. You see, you're a very soft and beautiful person. And I love you very much.

Deputy: Alright. Where's the father?

Barbara: *Where's* the father? That's funny! I don't even know who the father *is*!

Deputy: What's *that* supposed to mean?

Barbara: It means, concerned father, that I was passed around by so many of those phony maharishi types, who kept telling me that love is beautiful and all of that bullshit - In other words, concerned father, I got balled by so many guys, I don't know if the father's gonna be white, Indian, Mexican, or *black*.

Barbara: [hysterically] Mr. Cameron threw me out of the elevator, and then I heard all those people screaming!

Sam Royce: [trying to ease the panic] Probably the first time the old bastard ever did anybody a favor!

Matt Helm: I couldn't help noticing, but, these are your clothes?

Barbara: What if they are?

Matt Helm: Oh, I know you have a headache but don't take it out on me, I mean, what should I do with these?

Barbara: [in a breathy voice] Just throw them anywhere. I won't be needing them 'til morning.

Matt Helm: Don't you think we should be introduced first?

Barbara: You're Matt Helm.

Matt Helm: Good enough for me.

Barbara: What's in Acapulco that you can't find here?

Matt Helm: Mexicans.

Grigori Borzov: I think you are a very capable person and I value you very much. So far, we've made a good team. But, you know, you talk too much.

Barbara: If, I mean when, we get Dalchimski I suppose you'll be going home. You going home to anyone, I mean, do you have a wife?

Grigori Borzov: No.

Barbara: Lucky girl.

Grigori Borzov: [chuckles]

Barbara: I know, I talk too much.

Barbara: I spend all my time fending off guys like you.

Bob Champion: I'm glad you made an exception.

Barbara: [over the phone] Some men tried to get into the house.

Shaun: Well are they still there?

Barbara: [over the phone] I'm not sure, we've shut the curtains.

Shaun: Did you try the police?

Barbara: [over the phone] Well I thought about it.

Shaun: Are you OK? Did they hurt you?

Barbara: [over the phone] No I'm fine. I'm fine.

Shaun: Mum...

Barbara: [over the phone] Well they were a bit... bitey.

Shaun: [concerned] Mum, have you been bitten?

Barbara: [over the phone] No... But Philip has.

Shaun: [calmly] Oh, OK.

Ed: Has she been bitten?

Shaun: [to Ed] No, Philip has.

Ed: [calmly] Oh, OK.

Shaun: Listen, Mum, what sort of state is he in?

Barbara: [over the phone] Oh, he's fine. Bit under the weather.

Shaun: I see.

Ed: What's the deal?

Shaun: [to Ed] We may have to kill my step-dad.

Barbara: Hello Pickle! It's me, mum. Dad said he saw you in town today and mentioned that you might be visiting tomorrow, which would be lovely. Will you be bringing Elizabeth with you this time? Only we can't wait to meet her finally and also um... I was wondering if she wanted anything special for lunch. Cause these days a lot of people don't eat meat.

Shaun: Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me?

Barbara: Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with.

Shaun: Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood!

Barbara: Well you did call him a you-know-what!

Shaun: Oh what, did he tell you that?

Barbara: Yes he did.

Shaun: Motherfucker!

Barbara: Shaun!

Shaun: Sorry mother... mum!

Shaun: Did you know that on several occasions... he touched me?

[long pause, then Barbara turns to look at Shaun]

Shaun: That wasn't true. Made it up. Shouldn't have done. Sorry.

Barbara: My, how you've grown!

Ed: Yeah, you'd better believe it.

Barbara: It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?

[after Philip has been bitten]

Philip: You didn't call the doctor, did you?

Barbara: Well, I thought we ought to be on the safe side.

Philip: I'm quite all right, Barbara, I ran it under a cold tap.

Barbara: I really think...

Philip: We had our jabs when we went to the Isle of Wight.

Barbara: But Philip...

Philip: It's a lot of overblown nonsense, a lot of drug nuts running wild.

Liz, Declan: [as each survivor passes by their parallel counterpart] Hi.

David, Mark: [formally] Hello.

Dianne, Maggie: [friendly] Hi!

Barbara, Yvonne's Mum: [politely] Hello.

Ed, Cousin Tom: [too involved with their cell phones, briefly glancing at each other, muttering] Hello.

Adam: You can see us without the sheets?

Lydia: Of course I can see you.

Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?

Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual". I myself am strange and unusual.

Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.

Juno: What's wrong?

Barbara: We're very unhappy.

Juno: What did you expect? You're dead!

Beetlejuice: I'm feeling a little, ooh, anxious if you know what I mean. It's been about six hundred years after all. I wonder where a guy, an everyday Joe like myself, can find a little action...

[a brothel appears]

Beetlejuice: [dances with joy] Hey Adam, nice move!

Barbara: Adam, why did you build that?

Adam: I didn't!

[Adam and Barbara appear at Juno's office]

Juno: The whorehouse was my idea! I want you to get Beetlejuice out of the picture!

Barbara: [after Jane did not hear Adam call her] She didn't see you, right?

Adam: Uh-uh.

Barbara: [reading the handbook] In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead".

Adam: 'Won't' or 'can't'?

Barbara: It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it.

[Adam takes the book and closes it]

Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.

Delia: Charles, I will not stop living and breathing art just because you need to relax.

Charles: Ha.

Delia: I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane, and I will take you with me!

Charles: [after a long pause] Yeah, well you know, maybe the house could use a little remodeling. Uh... But, why don't you just leave this room alone, okay?

Delia: [smiles] Okay.

[Delia and Otho leave as Charles goes furious]

Barbara: [furiously] I'm gonna get her.

Messenger: How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side.

Adam: Fine, you look fine.

Messenger: Yeah?

Barbara: Fine.

Messenger: Thanks, I've been feeling a little flat.

[he laughs and goes through the crevice in the filing room]

[in the waiting room of the afterlife]

Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die?

Receptionist: This is what happens when *you* die.

[points at a gaunt man smoking]

Receptionist: That is what happens when *he* dies.

[points at a woman cut in half on the sofa reading]

Receptionist: And that is what happens when *they* die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something: if I knew then what I know now...

[shows her slit wrists]

Receptionist: ...I wouldn't have had my little accident.

[the dead people laugh]

Adam: Cabin fever, hon?

Barbara: Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me?

Adam: Maybe this is heaven.

Barbara: In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.

Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?

Adam: We're ghosts!

Lydia: What do you look like under there?

Adam: Aren't you scared?

Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?

Adam: Night of the what?

Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.

Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.

Barbara: What about that guy in the flyer, you know Betel...

Juno: Shhh! Don't even say his name! You don't want his help!

Adam: We might.

Juno: No, you don't! He does not work well with others.

Barbara: What do you mean?

Juno: I didn't want to bring it up, but rather than have you stumble on to it and make another mistake, I'll tell you. He was my assistant, but he was a troublemaker. Went out on his own as a freelance bio-exorcist. Claimed he could get rid of the living. Got into more trouble. In fact, I believe he's been sleazing around your cemetery lately. The only way he can be brought back is by calling his name three times. But I strongly suggest you get the Deetzes out by yourselves.

[repeated line]

Barbara: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse.

Barbara: Lydia's trying, but they don't believe her.

Adam: She's got photos, Barbara.

Barbara: Adam, you had a photo of Big Foot!

Barbara: [after the Deetzes moved in] Is this a punishment or something? What are we gonna do?

Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.

Juno: Okay, have you been studying the manual?

Adam: Well, we tried.

Juno: The intermediate interface chapter on haunting says it all: get them out yourselves, it's your house. Haunted houses aren't easy to come by.

Barbara: Well, we don't quite get it.

Juno: I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you!

Adam: We should start more simply then?

Juno: Start simply, do what you know, use your talents, practice! You should have been studying those lessons since day one.

Beetlejuice: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?

[hands Barbara a rat]

Barbara: Whoa! AHH!

Beetlejuice: There. There ya go.

Adam: You don't have to kill anybody!

Beetlejuice: Ah, possession! Good.

Barbara: [In Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!

Adam: [reading] 'Handbook of the Recently Diseased'.

Barbara: ...*deceased*.

Adam: Deceased?

Barbara: I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher.

Adam: [does so] 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press'.

Barbara: You know what? I don't think we survived the crash!

[Adam and Barbara make it back home as the sandworm is about to eat them]

Barbara: [crying, hugs Adam] Oh, Adam! We're trapped in this house with those people!

[Adam and Barbara see a dark room with decomposed souls]

Barbara: Oh, Adam... What is this?

Janitor: That's the lost souls room; a room for ghosts that have been exorcised. The poor devils. That's death for the dead. It's all in the handbook.

[he closes the shade of the room]

Janitor: Keep moving.

[Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the "Handbook for the Recently Deceased"]

Barbara: I hate this. Just- can you give me the basics?

Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you wanna know?

Barbara: Well, why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell? And... how long is this gonna last?

Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation.

[Snaps book shut]

Adam: Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.

Barbara: [to Adam] What's the good of being a ghost if you can't frighten people away?

Barbara: [to Adam] Maybe we should try that Beetle guy.

Adam: It's the first day of our vacation, and you haven't been out of the kitchen since five a.m.

Barbara: [proudly] I always make the flag cake.

Adam: Fifty stars, thirteen stripes. Did you get it right this year?

Barbara: I'll go see who that is. You start counting.

[she goes out of the kitchen into the dining room]

Adam: [starts counting the stars by naming off the states] Maine. New Hampshire. Vermont. Massachusetts. Connecticut.

Barbara: What's wrong?

Lydia: Beetle...

Barbara: Shhh!

Lydia: HE told me that if I could let him out, he would take me to the other side to find you.

Barbara: Lydia, we're dead.

Lydia: Well, I want to be dead too.

Barbara: No! Lydia, being dead really doesn't make things any easier.

Adam: Listen to her on this, Lydia, this is something we know a lot about!

Barbara: Movies and porn are different, Jon. They give awards for movies.

Don Jon: And they give awards for porn too.

Barbara: Don't talk about vacuuming in front of me, come on!

Don Jon: Why, what's wrong?

Barbara: Why? Because it's not sexy, that's why!

Don Jon: You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

Barbara: You like movies?

[after putting dog poop in a paper bag and lighting it on fire on Old Man Clemens' porch]

Billy Madison: Oh my God, Old Man Clemens hates shit.

Frank: Shh, here he comes.

Old Man Clemens: Who the hell is it? What do you want? Judas Priest, Barbara, it's one of those flaming bags again.

Barbara: Don't put it out with your boots, Ted.

Old Man Clemens: Don't tell me my business, Devil Woman. Call the fire department, this one's outta control.

[Old Man Clemens steps on the bag, then lifts up his boot and smells]

Old Man Clemens: Eck, poop again.

Billy Madison: He called the shit "poop".

[Billy, Jack, and Frank laugh hysterically]

Frank: This is the best night of my life.

[They continue laughing]

Old Man Clemens: I'll get you damn kids for this. You're all gonna die.

[Ronald walks the cool hallway for the first time and begin to talk to the girls]

Patty: Didn't you like, used to mow our lawn?

Ronald Miller: Yes, and you have the nicest pair of rhododendrons in town!

Patty: Rhodo-who's?

Cindy Mancini: Guys, I'll meet you at home.

Barbara: What did he say?

Patty: I don't care! I dig his shirt...

[the girls are in Cindy's car]

Barbara: Why wouldn't we go out with Ronald. I mean he's cute and sweet...

Patty: And good...

[Cindy and Barbara stares at her]

Patty: Come on, a lady never talks.

Cindy Mancini: Well I'll have to remember that the next time I see one.

Patty: Cool outfit!

Barbara: What a severe suede!

Cindy Mancini: You guys, it's no big deal. Bobby sent it to me from Iowa. You know they have fine leathers down there.

Patty: Oh, yeah. The best leathers come from Rome, Paris, and Des Moines!

Patty: Didn't you like, used to mow our lawn?

Ronald Miller: Yes, and you have the nicest pair of rhododendrons in town!

Patty: Rhodo-who's?

Cindy Mancini: Guys, I'll see you in home ec, OK?

Barbara: What did he say?

Patty: I don't care! Dig on his shirt...

[last lines]

Vinny Staggliano: I never realized I could feel this wa again. That I could be so totally in love with someone.

Barbara: Oh, I feel the same way Stanley...

Vinny Staggliano: You're beautiful.

Barbara: Thank you.

Max Conners: [watching with binoculars and a big grin]

Barbara: Christine? Christine! You googatz in the head or something? We are on the side of the freakin' highway!

Barbara: So, when do I get out of here?

Sandy: As soon as Mr. Stone pays the ransom.

Barbara: What's the problem? What is the ransom?

Sandy: Well, we asked for $500,000.

Barbara: That should be no problem.

Sandy: He wouldn't pay.

Barbara: He wouldn't pay?

Sandy: Then we asked him for $50,000.

Barbara: Yeah?

Sandy: He still wouldn't pay. So now we're lowering our price to $10,000.

Barbara: Do I understand this correctly? I'm being marked down?

[Starts crying]

Barbara: I've been kidnapped by K-Mart!

Barbara: [to Ken about the dead Bedroom Killer] He said I looked like his mother. He hates his mother. So, if I look like his mother and you look like his father... this is what our son would look like. Pretty strong argument for birth control.

Barbara: [seeing the Donald and Daisy Duck masks Ken and Sandy are wearing] Oh my God! I've been kidnapped by Huey and Dewey!

Ken Kessler: [Barbara has just thrown a lamp at Ken making him drop a serving tray with food on it] Hey... no dinner for you then.

Barbara: [sarcastic] Aw gee whiz, that really sucks. I'm a real aficionado of death camp cuisine!

[the moment the gag is out of her mouth]

Barbara: YOU'VE FUCKED WITH THE WRONG PERSON! My husband does business with the Mafia! When they track you down, you, your entire family, everyone you ever KNEW will all get chainsaw enemas!

Ken Kessler: She's in bad shape, Sam. We've been torturing her.

[He holds the phone to the stove, Sandy presses a tofu-burger, making a sizzling sound]

Barbara: AAAAAH!

[presses again]

Sam Stone: Don't kill her! Don't kill her! I'll pay the ransom!

Ken Kessler: Good, because not only we heard about your legal troubles, we also just found out your wife is worth quite a bit more than ten thousand.

Sam Stone: What do you mean?

Ken Kessler: We just changed our minds since you really now want your wife back, so we've upped the ransom.

Sam Stone: To what?

Ken Kessler: We're up to two million dollars.

Sam Stone: TWO MILLION DOLLARS? Are you out of your fucking mind? Where'd you get an incredible figure like that?

Ken Kessler: Oh, you'd be surprised at the quality and quantity of information a lit cigarette can provide.

[Sandy presses again]

Barbara: AAAAAH!

Ken Kessler: WHAT ELSE?

Sam Stone: [into phone] Shh! Shh! Shh!

Barbara: Gems! He's got rare gems in a safe...

[choking]

Barbara: Oh Sam, forgive me!

Ken Kessler: WHAT KIND OF GEMS? HOW MANY?

Barbara: I don't know!

[Sam raises a fist as the sizzling comes again]

Barbara: AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAAAAAAHHH!

Barbara: [stops Sandy] Four flawless one-carat diamonds!

Sam Stone: [puts phone to shoulder] The bitch blabbed!

Barbara: [on the phone with Sam] Do you have it all? 2.2 million dollars in unmarked, non-sequential bills?

[screams]

Barbara: You miserable, scum-sucking pig!

[normal voice]

Barbara: Oh, honey, I'm so sorry! They made me say that.

Sam Stone: Yeah, it's all here.

Barbara: And you have it all in a briefcase?

[screams]

Barbara: You scumbag, you low-life motherfucker!

[normal voice]

Barbara: Oh, dear. They made me say that too!

Barbara: [whistles] Nice butt. That's what they'll say.

Ken Kessler: I beg your pardon?

Barbara: Nice butt. That's what they'll say on your first day, in the men's club.

Ken Kessler: The men's club?

Barbara: Mmm. The San Quentin Country Club. With a cute little rear end like that, you'll be the belle of the ball. Your dance card'll be filled every day. You'll be so popular, making all kinds of new, close friends. Big, ugly, hairy friends! Not that you'll ever see what they look like, 'cause you'll be facing the other way.

Ken Kessler: You're very good at this. You should write children's books.

Barbara: [on the phone at Ken and Sandy's house] Help, operator, I've been kidnapped!

Barbara: [listens for a second] Well, how the hell do I know where I am?

[crying]

Barbara: I've been kidnapped by K-mart!

[Barbara has been kidnaped]

Barbara: My husband worships the ground I walk on! When he hears about this, he will *explode*!

[Meanwhile, Sam Stone pops a champagne cork with glee]

Sam Stone: Bye-bye, Barbara!

Ken Kessler: Wouldn't it be better if we were to strike at the core of Sam's being? His reason for living?

Sandy: Well, what would that be?

Barbara: HIS TESTICLES!

Barbara: It could mean the difference between life... and the chair!

[makes electrocution sound]

Barbara: Or the gas chamber.

[makes hissing and gasping sounds]

Barbara: Sometimes it's the firing squad. They miss *all* the major arteries... BANG!

[acts like she's been shot]

Barbara: And you don't die right away, you just lie there bleeding... and bleeding... and *bleeding*...

Barbara: [about the basement she is being held in] Jeeeeeesus CHRIST! IT SMELLS LIKE A TOILET IN HERE!

[on finding out that Sam has a mistress and was glad she was kidnapped]

Barbara: I've got it, I tell you, I've got it! Okay, Sam arrives at noon on a motorcycle, wearing shorts! No shoes, no shirt, nothing... maybe we'll just put him in a jock strap! Then he has to drive all over town. Sam burns really easily, he'll be bright red in no time!

Ken Kessler: I can't believe this is happening...

Barbara: Then he has to cover himself with honey, and go to a bee farm! We'll make him dance around, so the bees go absolutely nuts!

Ken Kessler: [to Sandy, who looks disturbed] I don't think she really means it...

Barbara: Then we all watch, while they sting him to death! YEAH!

[she makes kicking and punching motions]

Ken Kessler: Barbara, don't we want something that'll last, something that'll keep stinging him for the rest of his life?

Sandy: My God, he must have been seeing this woman for years...

Barbara: CASTRATE HIM! I want to castrate him!

[she mimes cutting something off with scissors, then tossing it over her shoulder]

Barbara: I have a thing about middle-aged men.

Bock: I admire your candor.

Barbara: You've been admiring a lot more than that.

Barbara: We could really use you down there, you know there's a curiously high incidence of TB. You would be a doctor again, Herb. You would be necessary again. If you love me, I don't see what other choice you have?

Herbert Bock: What do you mean if I love you? I raped you in a suicidal rage, how do we get to love and children all the sudden?

Barbara: It's hard for me to take your despair very seriously, Doctor. You obviously enjoy it so much.

Barbara: Larry kept telling me that we would just be roommates and nothing more. Then I wasn't there a week until he was trying to get me to SLEEP with him.

Boris: That's terrible. ...

Boris: Y'know Barbara, I've got lots of room in my apartment. And I won't bother you, really.

Barbara: [speaking to her ex-husband about her new husband] What's the matter, Wayne? Are you jealous?

Wayne: Jealous? I don't even know the meaning of the word.

Barbara: Yeah? You don't know the meaning of LOTS of words.

August Henshler: I don't think they should do this in public.

Barbara: Well, it's better to do it in public than not to do it at all!

August Henshler: Too much temperament. Give me the simple viewpoint!

Barbara: You've got it, boy, you don't have to yearn for it.

Barbara: You see, some men just naturally make you think of Brut champagne. With others you think of prune juice.

August Henshler: Oh, ho!

Barbara: You have nothing to laugh at!

Barbara: If she weren't my own sister I'd have name for her that...

Barbara: You guys are really starting to give me the creeps. You sound like some Ted Raimi flick or something.

Barbara: In the "sex club" we only talk about sex, we don't actual do it.

Lenny: That's okay I would not want to get anyone pregnant.

Alice: Oh you don't have to worry about that Barbara can't get pregnant, she has not started her period yet.

Barbara: Hey.

Lenny: What?

Suzy Winters: Carl?

Carl Jenkins: No way.

[walks over to Suzy who is behind the counter at the bank]

Carl Jenkins: Suzy Winters? What the hell happened to you?

Suzy Winters: Oh you know. After graduation parent's gave me the boot. I worked retail for a while. It sucked. So I yanked the studs, ditched the leather and now I work here.

Carl Jenkins: And Suzy Winters goes suit.

Suzy Winters: Not quite. Remember that thing we talked about a long time ago?

[Lifts up shirt to reveal a thestooges tattoo on her thigh]

Carl Jenkins: Oooh, wow.

[lifts up shirt to show Suzy tattoo of Iggy Pop on his back]

Suzy Winters: Iggy Pop! That is so cool.

Carl Jenkins: You know you're the first person to guess that?

Suzy Winters: Well the face is kinda messed up.

Barbara: [walks up to Suzy] I need you to go to the back and finish those files.

Suzy Winters: Barbara! I am helping a customer.

[Carl gives Barbara a funny smile]

Barbara: Is that what you call it?

[walks away]

Suzy Winters: God. What a vagina.

Carl Jenkins: Ooooh

[laughs]

Carl Jenkins: So I haven't been back to...

Suzy Winters: Me neither.

Carl Jenkins: Well maybe we should give it a whirl. See if that tree is still there. And after we can follow it with a totally non sexual vibe power lunch at Steak and Shake.

Suzy Winters: I'm vegan now.

Carl Jenkins: You're vegan! I'm Vegan too.

Suzy Winters: Better not. No offense but things are different now that i'm out of school.

Carl Jenkins: Right.

[nods and walks away]

Carl Jenkins: Where's your bathroom?

Dave Brown: You wanna cuddle later?

Barbara: I have a boyfriend.

Dave Brown: Cheat on him!

Barbara: Like you cheat on your taxes?

[first lines]

Florida Prosecutor: Go on, Barbara.

Barbara: We go back to our homeroom for dismissal. Unless you have a pass for sports or somethin'.

Florida Prosecutor: And is that what you did on the day in question?

Barbara: No. Mr. Gettys asked me to stay after class.

Barbara: These are those four outlines submitted by Universal for an hour series. You needn't bother to read them; I'll tell them to you. The first one is set at a large Eastern law school, presumably Harvard. The series is irresistibly entitled "The New Lawyers." The running characters are a crusty-but-benign ex-Supreme Court justice, presumably Oliver Wendell Holmes by way of Dr. Zorba; there's a beautiful girl graduate student; and the local district attorney who is brilliant and sometimes cuts corners. The second one is called "The Amazon Squad." The running characters include a crusty-but-benign police lieutenant who's always getting heat from the commissioner; a hard-nosed, hard-drinking detective who thinks women belong in the kitchen; and the brilliant and beautiful young girl cop who's fighting the feminist battle on the force. Up next is another one of those investigative reporter shows. A crusty-but-benign managing editor who's always gett...

[Diana cuts her off]

Kathryn: Ugh, it's the loonhead from the strike and square.

Barbara: He's kinda cute... for a greaser.

Mickey Meyer: That's it! I'm never doing it, nobody's touching mine!

Barbara: Don't you want to have a baby?

Mickey Meyer: I'll buy one.

Barbara: You're all very brave.

Joe: Yeah, well, we don't have much choice.

Barbara: Did you know Christopher Columbus was from here?

Mary: I thought he was from Spain.

Barbara: No, he was born here, but he sailed from Spain, so that's why South America is Spanish and not Italian.

Barbara: Mary, you've never been to Italy before, have you?

Mary: No.

Barbara: Do you like pasta?

Mary: Yeah.

Barbara: Do you like ice-cream? Then you'll be fine.

Joe: So why are there so many English flags?

Barbara: They're not English. They're the flags of St George. St George is the patron saint of Genoa, and England actually just borrowed him.

Oliver: [Before Barbara enters the black salamander room and upon meeting the mysterious Oliver for the first time] Do you like bullfights?

Bárbara: No, not much, truthfully.

Oliver: I don't like them much either, but it is odd that Spain is specifically the country in which bullfighting is most popular. Do you know why Spain is a country in eternal conflict? Because we cannot decide whether we are a rational country or an emotional one. The Nordic countries, for example, are cerebral countries. However, the Arabs or the Latinos, have accepted their passionate side without complex nor guilt. They all know which side dominates. We Spaniards are on a balance that is suspended precisely in the middle. That is how us Spaniards are... like the bullfights. And what are bullfights? The representation of the struggle between instinct and technique, between emotion and reason. We must accept our instincts and to learn to struggle with them as if they were a bull, so that they do not destroy us. This is exactly what we offer our clients. Could you remove your clothes, please?

[Barbara undresses completely]

Barbara: Look at all the things he did to us. We need to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Barbara: What are you a lemming?

Jake: No!

Ryan: Then prove it!

Barbara: I'll even give you a head start.

Johnny: [in a creepy voice] They're coming to get you, Barbara!

Barbara: Stop it! You're ignorant!

Johnny: They're coming for you, Barbara!

Barbara: Stop it! You're acting like a child!

Johnny: They're coming for you!

[points to the cemetery zombie]

Johnny: Look, there comes one of them now!

Barbara: He'll hear you!

Johnny: Here he comes now! I'm getting out of here!

Barbara: We were riding in the cemetery. Johnny and me... Johnny. We came to put a wreath on my father's grave... Johnny and... Then and he said, "Can I have some candy, Barbara?" And we didn't have any! And... oh! It's hot in here. Hot! And he said, "Oh it's late! Why did we start so late"? And I said, "Johnny, if you'd gotten up earlier, we wouldn't be late." Johnny asked me if were afraid, and I said, "I'm not afraid, Johnny." And this man started walking up the road, he came slowly, and Johnny kept teasing me saying, "He's coming to get you Barbara! He's coming to get you!" And I laughed at him and said, "Johnny stop it!" And then Johnny ran away. And I went up to this man, and I was going to apologize.

Ben: What don't you just keep calm?

Barbara: And I looked up and I said, "Good evening." And he grabbed me! He grabbed at me! And he ripped at me! He held me and ripped at my clothes!

Ben: I think you should just calm down!

Barbara: Oh... I screamed, "Johnny! Johnny help me! Oh... help me!". And he wouldn't let me go... he ripped at me! And then Johnny came and he ran he fought this man! And I got so afraid, I ran, I ran... and I ran, and Johnny didn't come. We've got... we have to wait for Johnny. We better go out and get him. We have to go out and get Johnny. He's out there. Please, don't you hear me? We've got to out and get him! Please! We have got to go get Johnny! Please help me! Please!

Ben: Now look... don't you know what's going on out there? This is no Sunday school picnic!

Barbara: Don't you understand? My brother is alone! He's out there lost...

Ben: Your brother is dead.

Barbara: No! My brother is not dead!

Johnny: [Noticing nobody in the cemetary] Why isn't no one around?

Barbara: Well, it's late. You could of gotten up earlier.

Johnny: Well, look, I already lost an hour of sleep to the time change.

Barbara: I think you complain just to hear yourself talk!

Johnny: [at the cemetery] Do you remember one time when we were small, we were out here? It was from right over there, I jumped out at you from behind the tree, and Grandpa got all excited, and he shook his fist at me and said, "Boy, you'll be damned to Hell!"

[laughs]

Johnny: Remember that? Right over there. Boy, you used to really be scared here.

Barbara: Johnny!

Johnny: Hey, you're still afraid!

Barbara: Stop it, now! I mean it!

[Johnny holds up a cross-shaped wreath Barbara bought for their father's grave]

Johnny: Look at this thing. "We still remember"? I don't! You know, I don't even remember what the man looks like!

Barbara: Johnny, it takes you five minutes.

Johnny: Yeah, five minutes to put the wreath on the grave and six hours to drive back and forth. Mother wants to remember, so we trot two hundred miles into the country and she stays at home.

Barbara: Well, we're here, John, all right?

[first lines]

Barbara: They ought to make the day the time changes the first day of summer.

Johnny: What?

Barbara: Well it's eight o' clock and it's still light.

Johnny: A lot of god the extra daylight does us, you know we've still got a three hour drive back, we're not going to be home until after midnight.

Barbara: Well, if it really bugged you, Johnny, you wouldn't do it.

Johnny: You think I wanna blow Sunday on a scene like this? You know, I figure we're either going to have to move mother out here or move the grave to Pittsburgh.

Barbara: Well she can't make a trip like this.

Johnny: I know that she can't.

[reaches for the wreath in the backseat]

Johnny: Is t here any of that candy left?

Barbara: [looks in the glove compartment] No.

Barbara: Johnny has the keys...

Johnny: Hey, come on, Barb. Church was this morning.

[pause as lightning is seen]

Johnny: I mean, prayin's for church.

Barbara: I haven't seen you in church lately.

Johnny: Well, there's not much sense in my going to church.

Barbara: Don't you understand? My brother is alone!

Ben: Your brother is dead.

Barbara: NO! My brother is NOT dead!

Johnny: [while putting the wreath on their father's grave] I wonder what happened to the one from last year. Each year, we spend good money on these things. Then, we come out here and the one from last year's gone.

Barbara: Well, the flowers die and the caretaker or someone takes them away.

Johnny: Yeah, a little spit-and-polish could clean this up and sell it next year. I wonder how many times we bought the same one.

Johnnie: [pointing to a mourner walking towards them to annoy Barbara] Look! Look, there's one of them now! He wants you! He's getting closer...

[Barbara stands in front of her mother's grave]

Johnnie: [scaring Barbara] DANGEROUSLY CLOSE!

Barbara: Stop it!

[see's mourner]

Barbara: He is going to hear you!

Johnnie: [goes behind the tombstone] It doesn't matter. He knows we're here. It's too late now! There is no escape!

[pulls down his shirt]

Johnnie: NOOO, MOTHER!

Barbara: You bastard.

Barbara: They're us. We're them and they're us.

[last lines]

Harry: [discovering Barbara as she returned to the house the next day. Harry had cowered to the attic and left her for dead] You came back!

[pretending to be sincere]

Harry: You... Came back.

[Barbara glares at him and then shoots him in the head]

Barbara: That's another one for the fire.

Ben: You are losing it girl, you are losing it.

Barbara: You think so?

[Barbara shoots an approaching zombie in the face]

Barbara: Whatever I lost, I lost a long time ago and I do not plan on losing anything else. You can talk to me about losing it when you stop screaming at each other like a bunch of two-year-olds.

[on the zombies approaching the house]

Barbara: They're so slow. We could just walk right past 'em and we wouldn't even have to run. We could just walk right past 'em. We have the guns. If we're careful we could get away.

[she looks at Ben]

Barbara: You told me to fight, well I'm fighting, this place is not safe, not upstairs or down. We should leave before it's too late.

Johnnie: [Johnnie and Barbara are driving to their mother's grave] Tell me something, why do we have to put ourselves through this... charade?

Barbara: Because she is our mother! Can't you just at least put her one day out of your life?

Johnnie: One day? This is the fourth time we've been up here within the three months since she died! I feel like I've been spending more time with her than when she was alive and do you know why?

Barbara: Oh, God! Please don't start!

Johnnie: She could have been buried in the city, but no, that would be easy! She knew that I was the one who could take you here which is why she had herself buried two hundred miles away from the nearest glass of beer!

Barbara: Johnnie, now we're here! So would you please stop it?

Johnnie: Stop what? The truth?

[first lines]

Johnnie: They're coming to get you, Barbara!

Barbara: Stop it!

Johnnie: They're coming!

[evil laughter]

Johnnie: They don't like being awaken this way!

Barbara: Why do you have to be so mean?

Johnnie: 'Cause I'm your older brother. Being mean and heartless is part of the job.

Judy Rose: [Barbara aims a gun at a zombie] Don't shoot, it's Mr. McGruder from the legion hall!

[he is shot]

Judy Rose: You shot Mr. McGruder! You shot him!

Barbara: Look at his back! I didn't do that!

Johnnie: [arguing about their mother] Heaven knows she damn near drove you into a convent.

Barbara: That is not true!

Johnnie: When was the last time you had a date?

Barbara: That is none of your business!

Barbara: You work very hard, don't you?

Dr. Ferguson: Work? Sure! What else is thee but work and work?

Barbara: You know what makes you such a miserable little specimen? You have all these obsolete sexual hang-ups.