Barb Quotes in Man of the House (2005)

Teresa: [Sharp has a pizza delivered at dinner, while the girls all have homemade salads] What is that?

Roland Sharp: The Carnivore. Pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham and olive loaf all gathered together in one savory pie. With jalepenos. Want some?

Heather: Yes. No!

Roland Sharp: Extra thick crust.

Anne: I can't, I'm on the zone.

Roland Sharp: What zone?

Anne: The proper combination of protein, fat and carbohydrates.

Roland Sharp: This combination here is proper as hell.

Barb: I'm a total Atkins girl.

Evie: I'm on Weight Watchers, you'll probably blow all your daily points with just one bite.

Roland Sharp: This baby has one point and one point only, and that is tasting good.

Roland Sharp: I cannot hear myself think!

[turns off music]

Evie: Okay, as we involuntarily enter into this enforced period of silence, can I ask if there's any medication you forgot to take... or some I might recommend you should try?

Barb: Yes, like take a...

All Girls: CHILL PILL!

Roland Sharp: I only need one witness!

Barb: Get. Out!

Barb: [off Roland's upset look and stops chewing her gum all of a sudden] Oh, do you want a piece?

Roland Sharp: No, I do not.

Barb: What, you don't like gum?

Roland Sharp: No. Chewing gum is the most significant factor in the decline of Western civilization.

Evie: The decline of what?

Barb: [confronted about her plagiarized paper] What's the big deal, presidents don't write their own speeches...

Heather: [Barb is playing with her breasts in front of a mirror in an interrogation room] That is a two-way mirror, girl. People are watching you!

Barb: I know!

Anne: No, he means the other Texas Rangers, you know, like The Lone Ranger.

Heather: He had that cool Indian friend, what was his name?

Teresa: Tonto?

Barb: He was hot! Why don't guys wear loincloths anymore?

Barb: You like me, don't you?

Roland Sharp: No!

Earl Devereaux: Brent, do you ever get the feeling that maybe Steve Lockwood is just a monkey?

Brent: Why would you say that about him, Earl? Why would you ever say that?

Barb: Of course he's just a monkey. How stupid are you people? No one should ever put any trust in a monkey.

Manny: Chester thinks you're a monkey.

Barb: Well, I'm an ape. Chester knows that.

Sam Sparks: But he calls you a monkey.

Manny: It is true, he does.

Barb: He's just joking around. Chester's my best friend.

Sam Sparks: If Chester was really your friend, would he still call you a monkey?

[Barb describes the dog food]

Barb: Mostly the stuff the butcher can't sell. Hooves, lips, organs... slump.

Ted: In Miami, we call them hot dogs.

Barb: Why don't you try biting him on the ear?

Ted: What is it with you people?

Barb: Would I like to sync? Kinky.

Barb: I'm outta here. I can't top this.

Lulu Fritz: I didn't date much. I was shy. And ugly.

Stacy: [V.O] Why do supermodels say how ugly they were when they were young? Is it because they want us to know they suffered? Do they think that it makes them more deserving? That we'll forgive them their bounty? Note to supermodels: None of us believe you.

Lulu Fritz: No one invited me to the prom.

Barb: [Dismissive] Makes you stronger.

Barb: Sounds great. Why'd you split?

Lulu Fritz: Oh, same old, same old. Schedules. Travel... *temptation*.

Barb: Ah! He cheated.

Lulu Fritz: [laughs] No! I did. All the time. But he stuck around like a lovesick puppy.

Barb: Knowledge is a terrible and marvelous thing.

Barb: Surprise, the man you ran over, that was my fiancée.

Alice: [praying] Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. God bless Jill, Grandma, and especially Auntie Nica. Amen.

Barb: What about Chucky?

Alice: Chucky says there is no God.

Barb: What?

Alice: He said life's a bitch and then you die bleeding like a stuck pig!

Barb: Alice! You know it's not nice to curse!

Alice: I didn't curse mommy, Chucky did.

[looks over at Chucky, then back at Barb]

Alice: Mommy, am I going to die?

Barb: No sweetie, no!

Alice: But Grandma died, and Chucky says we're all going to die.

Barb: Alice, who really told you that? Was it Jill?

Alice: No.

Barb: Was it your daddy?

Alice: No, it was Chucky.

Barb: [after Chucky runs up to her with his knife] Oh my God!

[pause]

Barb: Alice!

Chucky: Alice is MINE! Now she knows...

[peels the rest of his disguise off]

Chucky: ...there is no God!

Chucky: [looks at Barb] You have your mother's eyes. And they were always too FUCKING CLOSE TOGETHER!

[violently stabs his knife into Barb's eye]

Barb: [talking about the Chucky doll being sent to the house] It was obviously sent here by mistake; it must belong to someone else. And Alice, you already have too many dolls as it is...

Alice: Yeah, but, Chucky's my friend till the end!

Ian: Well I for one think it's a real nice gesture.

[pause]

Ian: Thank you, Auntie Nica!

[off Barb's look]

Ian: It's a doll. What's the worst that can happen, huh?

Chucky: [In his Good Guy voice] I like to be hugged!

Alice: I love to hug you too, Chucky!

[as she hugs him tightly to her, Chucky's eyes eerily start to grow wide]

Alice: [looks confused] What's that, Chucky?

[has the doll pressed against her ear, as if listening to what he's saying]

Alice: Oh, Chucky wants to know what's for dinner!

Nica: Barb, put him down!

[pause]

Nica: Look, I know that this sounds nuts, but that doll- I think that there's something in it!

Barb: [Barb is standing on the upstairs balcony holding the Chucky doll] Wait a second!

[pause]

Barb: You know about this?

[referring to Chucky]

Nica: Well... I think I do...

Barb: You know what's in this?

Nica: [stunned] Do you?

Barb: Why didn't you tell me?

Nica: I'm trying to tell you...

Barb: Wait, wait! When did you find out?

Nica: [frantic] What does it matter?

Barb: It matters to me!

[pause]

Barb: It matters to me that my own sister is out to get me!

Nica: No! No, no, no, you don't understand! This...

Barb: Oh, I understand perfectly. I understand you resent the fact that I actually have a life!

Nica: No, Barb, this isn't about anything that...

Barb: Well, you know what, Nica? It isn't my fault. Okay? What happened to you isn't my fault!

[pause]

Barb: And it isn't my fault that you dropped out of school, and it isn't my fault that you chose to never leave this goddamned house! I mean, what the hell were you waiting for, a sign from God?

Nica: No, Barb! Just put the fucking doll down!

Nica: Barb?

[pause]

Nica: Barb!

[Barb approaches from the top stairs balcony holding Chucky]

Nica: Barb, where's Alice?

Barb: Playing fucking hide-and-seek.

Nica: [from the bottom of the stairs] Barb, put him down!

Barb: What is wrong with you?

Nica: [hysterical] I know this sounds nuts but that doll- I think there's something in it!

Alice: [after eating the chili] Hmm. Hmmmm...

Nica: Alice, honey, is something wrong?

Alice: It tastes funny!

[pause]

Alice: Maybe we put too much oregano in.

Barb: [laughs] Alice, sweetheart, it's not that bad.

[pause]

Barb: Eat it!

Barb: Mom left the house to both of us.

Nica: So?

Barb: So...

[pause]

Barb: I think we should consider selling.

Nica: [astonished] What are you talking about?

Barb: Nica, this place is fabulous. It's so much closer to us, we'd get to see you way more often. And with your half of what we could get for the house, you'd be set for the rest of your life.

Nica: This isn't about me. This is about money...

Barb: Well, you know we've been struggling. Print media is dead. lan's working at Starbucks! We're going to have to send Alice to public school. And she so had her heart set on St. Bridget's. I don't want to deprive my child...

Nica: You have a live-in nanny!

Barb: Well, actually, that's not really working out.

Nica: Barb, this is my home!

Barb: Nica, I know this is hard! But do you really think you can manage here all by yourself? Mom would have wanted you to be taken care of. That's all she ever wanted...

Barb: Oh, why don't you go find a wall socket and stick your tongue in it. That'll give you a charge.

[upon seeing that Mrs. Mac is coming inside the house]

Barb: Speaking of professional virgins, here we have the Queen of Vaudeville circa 1891.

Clare: [about the obscene phone call] Could that really be just one person?

Barb: No, Clare, it's the Mormon Tabernacle Choir making their annual obscene phone call.

Barb: [on phone] You're a real gold-plated whore, mother, you know that?

Barb: Did you know, this is a very little known fact, but... did you know that there's a certain species of turtle that... there's a certain species of turtle that can screw for three days without stopping. You don't believe me, do you? Well, I-I mean, how could I make something like that up?

Mrs. Mac: Ah, Barb, dear, ah, I-I-I-ah...

Barb: No, really! They just... three days, 24 hours a day, wha-voom! Wha-voom! Wha-voom! Can you believe that, three days? I'm lucky if I get three minutes! Do you know how I know this? Because I went down to the zoo and I watched them. It was very boring. Well actually, um, I, uh, didn't stay for the whole three days, I went over and I watched the zebras, because they only take thirty seconds! Premature ejaculation!

Barb: I think the little buggers schnockered, son of a bitch.

[after the mysterious caller hangs up]

Clare: I really don't think you should provoke somebody like that, Barb.

Barb: Oh listen, this guy is minor league. In the city, I get two of those a day.

Clare: Well, maybe. But you know that town girl was raped a couple of weeks ago.

Barb: Darling, you can't rape a townie.

Sergeant Nash: Excuse me? Could you give me the number at the sorority house? Please?

Barb: Yeah, sure. It's, ah... Fellatio 20880. Fellatio. It's a new exchange, FE.

Sergeant Nash: That's a new one on me. How do you spell it?

Barb: Capital F, E, little L, L-A, T-I-O.

Sergeant Nash: Thanks.

Barb: Don't mention it.

Barb: [to Sergeant Nash] You know, for a public servant I think your attitude really sucks!

Henry Cooper: This is not happening. These are not fucking walking corpses.

Ben: Hey man, this is fucking happening.

Barb: Call the freaking cops.

Hellie Cooper: We have to baby.

Henry Cooper: Yeah, call the cops. When the dead walk, you gotta call the cops.

Barb: [zombies are surrounding the house] Call the freakin' cops.

Hellie Cooper: We have to baby.

Henry Cooper: [stunned, heading for the phone] Yeah. Right. When the dead start to walk, you gotta call the cops.